Widowhood: Preparation Guide
Posted by RycePapers | Filed under RycePapers
At age 50 I became a widow. For me it was the ultimate mid-life crisis. Here are a few of the realities I faced. As someone said, every grief contains a gift so here is mine to you.
We were lucky because we had prepared a financial plan. This meant my husband Michael possessed disability insurance. It gave us about 69% of his salary. I couldn’t work as I needed to care for him, but because I always kept a spending plan, I knew where we could trim and what our fixed costs amounted to. I became Vice-President in charge of nearly everything.
While I went through all the emotional upheaval and discombobulating thoughts that come with having your life shattered, I did not have to face financial upheaval at the same time. Plan for the worst and hope for the best meant in our case, the worst. However, it could have been much, much worse without our preparation and knowledge.
We were fortunate to have time to check our decisions. We’d already arranged joint tenancy for our house, and wills, and money through insurance for his four adult children. We only needed to check that all was in order. That is very different from starting from scratch during what can only be described as emotional Armageddon. Adding financial stress during a health crisis is crushing. If I felt any blessing, it was that we were financially prepared.
If you discover you have a major health issue, buying insurance is no longer an option. You must have insurance in place before you need it. If I sound like a Girl Scout, I am. The time to put food in the pantry for the winter is when there is plenty of it and the weather is fine. When the sleet is flying in your eyes you will be hard pressed to survive. Winter will arrive, sometimes without warning, in your life and you will need to keep existing during tumultuous, and potentially lean, times.
We had protection and documentation and our taxes were up to date. We had 13 months from diagnosis to death so were able to make some last minute adjustments. Not everyone gets that luxury. I know two women whose husbands died from heart failure and they had no time to prepare.
If you believe it is too difficult to think about your will or insurance now, then imagine your partner is desperately sick, or has died. Your emotions will be too frazzled to deal with the intricacies of guardianship, selling of assets, filing tax returns, financial research, distribution of assets, health care, sustaining survivors’ existence (including your own) or many other matters. Your heart has just been broken and the world seems meaningless. Who gives a f**k. Well, I can tell you the phone, hydro, car insurance and bank will all still care deeply about your obligations. Life goes on. Their world has not been crushed, just yours.
Our investment portfolio still needed to be reviewed and, again, I feel so lucky I knew enough about our assets. Trying to learn about ETFs or GICs or any other alphabet product while in the midst of a health crisis or death, as my contractor Ron used to say, ‘just ain’t gonna happen.’ Your priorities are elsewhere. Learn the basics of what you own NOW.
Becoming an adult requires you put on your big girl or big boy pants to keep the crap from running down your leg. That means getting:
- A will
- Insurance
- Knowledge about your assets
- Powers of Attorney
- A discussion about life should health disaster or death arrive
- A financial blueprint for the happy life you are planning for.
Whether single or part of a large clan, these are must haves. Do them now while the sun is shining and the benefit is you can then put them out of your mind and enjoy your great big beautiful life.
That is what’s on my mind today, what do you think?
Victoria Ryce
I am a former stockbroker, banker, international corporate trainer, and community shared agriculture worker. Have a Master's Degree in Human Systems Intervention (people and change). A big recycler, dog lover, reader, author of two books and yoga chick. Widowed and living in the country. Grow my own tomatoes and garlic to make salsa. Yummy.
June 26, 2012 at 7:36 am
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. My condolences to you and your family on your loss. Death or a sudden accident can devistate a family. In 1998 my husband who was the sole earner fell from a roof and our life changed in an instant. 8years later after rehabilitation both educational and physical he returned to work in a job paying 1/4 of what he earned in the first place. So people if you think that if your injured on the job that government will take care of you ..don’t plan on it.Thank God for Family who helped us through all this and some really close friends but even the majority of them disapeared because people can’t handle change or something that may make them feel bad.
You deffinately need a plan for these things especially if you have young children ,private insurance definately and a will
June 27, 2012 at 12:30 pm
hi cindy, these life challenges arrive on our door without warning and not all friends and family have the coping skills needed when a big change occurs. i’m so glad you had some strong family and friends who understood and stuck with you. i had some experiences similar to those you describe where some people just disappeared. thanks for adding your perspective.
June 26, 2012 at 8:27 am
Victoria – I’ve always felt connected to you in your writing and now I now why…..
I too became part of “The Club” at age 35, my husband was 37. 10 months from diagnosis till death. 2 little girls, ages 7 and 9. What a devastating blow to our family. Thankfully, we had insurance, had wills made out, assets were joint, so all I had to do was wake up and try my best to get through each day. Being prepared was a blessing to me.
I highly recommend others ‘be prepared’. You just never know.
We never saw it(cancer) coming
June 26, 2012 at 10:40 am
Hi Thanks for your post. It’s not the same but my sister is going through a divorce and it’s really hard.
June 26, 2012 at 10:46 am
Need a divorce guide! Everybody knows the steps in a wedding- pick out the cake, the dress, the food, the venue, the music, and so on … but what are the steps to a divorce??
June 26, 2012 at 11:29 am
Thank you for this! We keep meaning to do our wills……we know what we want to put in them and who will take care of our children, we just haven’t made that appointment with the lawyer. I think I requested the information when our first was born, and now we have three, and there’s always a reason to put it off a few more months (until the baby’s born so their name will be in it, once I’m back at work and we can pay cash, etc). This was a good and sober reminder, as was the one year anniversary of our close friend becoming a widow with three young children (freak accident, and he was 39).
Thanks for sharing the steps of your difficult journey with us. May you be blessed with peace.
(I will call the lawyer. Today.)
July 1, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Hi MamaHobbit, I am just following up to see if you got an appointment with a lawyer.
July 8, 2012 at 4:29 pm
Yes! Now just to finish filling out the paperwork (*ahem* that means you, husband!).
June 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Thank you for sharing and the wake up call. You are a good girl scout.
June 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm
A sober but necessary reminder. My hubby is the foot dragger on these issues as he doesn’t want to think about it let alone prepare for it. I think it makes him feel like we’re jinxing our lives??? I have been nagging for a good while but I guess I’ll just make the appointments and make him show up.
And it’s very true…you never know when a health crisis will happen and then it’s too late. I don’t want that to be part of our family story….
June 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm
So sorry for your loss. I was diagnosed last yr with Cardiomyapothy (heart disease) after having a heart attack at work.( I was 51) My Dr. told me at the hospital that I would have to quit my job and go on disability because my heart disease was too bad and would have to eventually get a heart transplant. I’m a cancer survivor too but I was scared more by this because my dad had passed away 3 yrs ago from heart disease and it runs in my family. I have made a will and trust, even had paperwork drawn up for my Dr to add to my file what my wishes are in case I can’t speak for myself in the hospital. I’ve let my family know what I’ve done so there will be no guessing or arguing about my wishes. I’ve tried to think of everything before hand while I have time to do it. Nobody likes to think about these things, but your so right about getting them done now while your still healthy and /or while you still have a clear mind to think things thru.
June 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm
I agree wholeheartedly with the pre-planning, including the funeral. I told my sons that I was thinking about getting the details figured out before I died, and they thanked me! I know that they aren’t going to want to do it, and having gone through that when my dad died and mom was totally lost – well, enough said. Some people think it is morbid to plan for death – What? They don’t think they’re going to? I have lists of all accounts, passwords, etc. Since my boys are grown and gone, they would have no clue what insurance I have through work, CSB’s, Pensions, etc. Even my utilities accounts are listed, with the online info, because someone has to take care of the final payments and it isn’t fun to have to look for numbers. While it’s not an ideal situation to receive that ‘sentence’ from the doctor, I think I would prefer that to the way my cousin went recently – 31 years old, killed on the way home from work, leaving behind a partner and 6 year old son who didn’t see that coming! Thanks for the heads up again, and I too feel a connection to your writing, thanks for sharing.
June 26, 2012 at 3:17 pm
One more thing, while on the subject and after reading Kate’s post – If you have decided to become an organ donor, make sure your doctor and your family are well aware of that decision. Something good can come to so many in the aftermath of sorrow.
June 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm
@ Suzanne, yes I have done that too. No one thinks about that until it’s too late. I had the conversation with my Mom about wanting to be cremated and where I want my ashes to go, then I brought up the organ donor program, my Mom tells me she could never donate her organs, that she wants to leave this world with everything she came into it with. I looked at her and said ” if everyone had the same attitude and didn’t donate when the time comes for me to have a transplant I would die”. She never thought about it in those terms, I know she didn’t go right out and sign up to be an organ donor, but she told her friends and they have. My brothers and sister have too, and even my son & daughter now have become organ donors. When you go to heaven you won’t need your organs but heaven knows we need them here.
June 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Fantastic reminder Kate!! I have 4 friends who have received transplants and they truly are the gift of life.
June 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Thanks for telling your compelling story, Victoria. There is indeed a connection with your style of writing. Girl scout or girl guide, your message is more than “doing a good deed.”