What happened to “No”?
Posted by Beckie | Filed under Beckie
Kids say the darndest things. The “little dude” added a few extra grey hairs to my head with our recent conversation:
“Mommy, can I go to the hospital and have a blood test done?”
Me (holding back tears): “Of course not, you are healthy, you don’t need a blood test.”
Little dude starts to whine: “But Mommeeeee I want to have a new toy!”
“I’m sorry sweetie but the answer is no. You are welcome to use the money from your Spend jar to buy a toy. Let’s play tickle monster. ”
You see the “little dude” had a week long hospital stay at Sick Kids hospital last year, non life-threatening but it involved many months of weekly blood tests and occasional outpatient visits to the hospital for treatment. Our whole family was a miserable wreck, except for the “little dude”. He was actually a pillar of strength, partly due, to his deeply felt LOVE of toys. After every blood test he got to go to the toy store to pick out pretty much ANY TOY he wanted, not to mention two sets of doting and generous grandparents sending boxes filled with toys and games. We all joked about opening up a toy store in our house.
During this time, I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, my kid was going through something terrible, what parent wouldn’t empty their bank account to help relieve their child’s pain in any way they could? On the other hand, my child was becoming quite the materialistic little person. So I decided to set limits: he was allowed to choose a toy, but only under a certain dollar amount. We discussed this in advance, but he still had a tantrum when he didn’t get his way. A large part of me was crying internally, but I held my ground. Weeks later, he decided he had enough toys for the moment and a package of candy or chips became a sufficient reward. Success!
For some reason, I notice that parents these days (including me) have trouble saying “no” to children, whether it is in response to requests for “stuff” or just in general. When I was growing up, I recall my mom saying “no” frequently to my numerous demands. Yet I witness this modern phenomenon on an almost daily basis while working at a public library. Small kids will often start to scream bloody murder and many parents just ignore their inappropriate behaviour. After a few minutes, when my colleagues or I eventually go over to nicely ask the parent to take their child out of the library and come back after the child has calmed down, we usually get one of the following responses: 1) nasty looks 2) parents who say “yeah yeah” but do nothing 3) possibly called some “choice” names directly to our faces or muttered loudly on the way out.
Personally, I will continue on the bumpy path less travelled and stand firm on setting limits where warranted. In doing so, I *will* disappoint the “little dude” often in his frequent requests for more toys, candy, treats and so on. At times, my kids won’t be happy with me, and that’s okay. I’m doing the best that I can as a parent, and that’s all anyone can ever do.
In her late 30s, with a husband and two small children, she lives in the ‘burbs of Toronto. A librarian, Beckie works part-time. In her free time, “I am a chauffeur/part-time cook/boo boo kisser/housecleaner and laundry lady extraordinaire. I do most of the household shopping and financial planning.”
May 14, 2012 at 9:06 am
I have trouble saying no too. Take heart- you aren’t the only one. My daughter has no problem saving money. My son (6) is still learning. He currently is saving up for a scooter. This is the first time he hasn’t impulsed shopped his money away. Every kid on the block has one ( no exaggeration here) He has been saving since February. He periodically cries a little, but he still puts his money in his piggie every week. Just recently he came to me and asked if he could earns extra money- he has started picking up “money cans” wherever we go- I give him the dollar amount- then I take them to the recycling depot. He has also started taking on extra chores around the house. This is a HUGE undertaking for a 6 year old. I am incredibly proud of him. Proud enough- that part of me just wants to run to the store and buy him that dang scooter
- but I won’t…….
May 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm
When my kids were little I was the one who always said “no”. My ex husband told me he couldn’t say “no” to them because it was his “constitutional right to spoil the hell out of them”. I was brought up if you wanted something you earned and saved the money for it. I’m still that way and debt free to prove it. I wish I could say that my kids are that way but my daughter, she’s now 26, isn’t. My son who is 22 is. He will work any extra job to make money. He put his self thru college and has NO student loan debt. Kids now a days are giving everything, no one has the concept of earning or saving, they want things now. @ Jennb you are doing the right thing not giving in it will make him a better person for it.
May 14, 2012 at 10:52 pm
I enjoyed your post, I wish I could say the same about the comments that followed. I’m getting very tired of hearing about ‘kids these days’. Its becoming a complete turn off and very difficult to have any feelings for the poster. We were all ‘kids these days’ at some point, doing something the previous generation didnt agree with, its a very long cycle in human history. Lets just accept the fact that we are all different, made up of different experiences that shape our human selves. No one is perfect and no one really does anything better then another person, we just do things differently.
Lets remember that its the ‘parents these days’ and ‘grandparents these days’ that help shape the future of the ‘kids these days’. If it takes a village to raise a child…
Lets stop complaining about the situation and start setting the right example, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem!
May 16, 2012 at 11:32 am
According to my oldest (who is 9 1/2), I have no problem saying no, it’s yes I have a problem with. Apparently the child is seriously deprived. He never gets to do ANYTHING he wants. He never gets anything he wants. He doesn’t get to eat what he wants. I NEVER say yes! Now while this is definitely not true, I sometimes wonder if we do spend too much time saying no and not enough saying yes. Also, I think we often say yes to things we should say no to (like when we’re completely exhausted, throw our hands in the air, and say, “Fine! Whatever! Have a 14th cookie! Why should I care?!”
) and sometimes we say no to things that we really should say yes to (like why have we not gone to my one son’s end of year barbecue at school – at one point we couldn’t afford to, but now we can… so why did I still say ‘no’ last year? and why have I not yet said ‘yes’ this year – the BBQ order form is due tomorrow!)
May 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Thanks to all of you for posting.
@Tara. I’m guessing that the time to say “No” is now. Neither of us have teenagers, but I expect we will have to loosen up quite a bit at that point. I’m generalizing, but it seems the more you say “No” to teens, the more they do the total opposite. And re: bbq…maybe you value your low key evenings? Maybe the $ could be spent elsewhere? Maybe you don’t feel like socializing? Sorting through piles of school mail can make many a mom mighty grumpy too, lol.
@Kate &jennb , it is interesting that both of you (at least for Kate whose kids’ personalities are definitely evident at ages 22 and 26) have two kids with different saving/spending patterns. It shows the power of the individual personality, despite the children being raised in the same environment. Hmmmm…
@Ember, not sure if you are lucky enough to have family and friends around to help with your kids, many people I know don’t have that perk. Parents are often soooo busy working and trying to keep their families afloat, that sometimes saying “Yes” is just the path of least resistance….