Mean mommy
Posted by Beckie | Filed under Beckie
Apparently I’m a mean mommy. The little dude (now 6) had his birthday recently and received a couple of checks from family members. He opened the lovely birthday cards and found the cheques. He is coming along nicely in his financial education, so he was pretty excited to find them.
“Look mommy, cheques, now I can go to the toy store and buy new toys after you go to the bank to get the money”.
Me: “No, sorry sweetie but that money is going in the bank for your future education.”
Little dude (bottom lip trembling) “But I wanted to use the money for toys!”
Me….”Blah blah blah -Insert lecture to the little dude about the importance of saving for his future education-blah blah blah”
In case you are worried the “little dude” is deprived in any way, he had a fantastic birthday party at Loblaws, where the kids made pizza and decorated cupcakes, and he received quite a lot of generous gifts from the other kids. He also gets an allowance ($3/week) to put money in his three jars. Two weeks later we are at the haircutting place and the little dude is telling the hairdresser about his hard knock life.
“And my mommy is really mean”
Hairdresser…looking concerned… “Really? What does she do?”
“She took my birthday money and she eats my candy!”
I breathe a sigh of relief that he didn’t say anything terrible. And I did tell him that he needed to share his haul of treats and chocolate eggs with his mommy who has a sweet tooth.
While I try to explain to the little dude how we want to save money for his future education (via RESPs), I fear at this point he doesn’t quite understand. Right now he is only in Sr. Kindergarten and he tells me that when he grows up he will become a mixer truck driver AND a firefighter. Yes, he thinks he can do both! He even told me I can come along sometimes when he drives the truck 
Right now, I feel that saving for our two kids’ future educations is a huge priority in our lives (after the mortgage, regular bills and squirreling some money away for retirement). It is more important than taking any expensive family vacations, even when he regularly asks when we are going to Disney World.
So yeah, maybe I *am* mean. But one day in the not too distant future, when he can go to school without having to take out massive student loans, I can only hope that he will be a little bit thankful that I’m so mean.
In her late 30s, with a husband and two small children, she lives in the ‘burbs of Toronto. A librarian, Beckie works part-time. In her free time, “I am a chauffeur/part-time cook/boo boo kisser/housecleaner and laundry lady extraordinaire. I do most of the household shopping and financial planning.”
May 7, 2012 at 8:02 am
We sometimes receive cheques at the kids’ birthdays specifically to put into their RESPs from certain family members. And sometimes the kids are given cash or cheques that the gift-giver expects them to be able to spend on what they want. Maybe not toys right now because they did just get a lot of stuff for their birthday, but things come up where the kids could use some extra $$. I always put the money into the kids’ accounts so it can be spent later in the year when they want something that they know I won’t buy. And it’s not always “stuff”. Sometimes they want to put their money towards something to do – like this year, we all agreed to put our Christmas money from my grandma towards Canada’s Wonderland season passes, something we wouldn’t buy otherwise. Sometimes they’ll spend their money on a souvenir or a snack we wouldn’t normally spend the money on, while out on a family outing,
Unless the gift giver intended the cheque to be put away for future savings, I wouldn’t take the money for that use at that age. When they are very small and don’t know what a cheque is, that is one thing, but at 6, I know in the case of my kids, cheques are meant for them to spend, not for me to sock away. My parents choose not to contribute to their RESPs – they want nothing to do with it, and if they knew I took the $50 cheque they gave one of my kids and put it into their RESP, then it would be the very last cash gift my kids would ever receive – it would also mean the kids would get “something” that they don’t necessarily need right now. They expect the money be spent on ‘fun’. I may encourage my kids to put some of the money away for the future and chances are they wouldn’t want to
If your son is receiving an allowance, that is money he can learn with. Birthday gifts shouldn’t need to be taken and invested without his consent. He may only be 6, but the money was given to HIM and not to YOU.
I know many will agree with what you did with the money, and some don’t, and I fall into the latter category this time
.
May 7, 2012 at 10:24 am
Well what I could have done is take the money, put it in the RESP and tell him that I am using it for our membership to X , or for part of our trip to X place.
That way he could feel he was contributing to these things (which he doesn’t).
It’s okay that you disagree btw, you were nice about it, lol.
May 7, 2012 at 8:29 am
When my kids receive money, we have a plan in place. Ten percent comes off the top to give to church/charity. He gets to spend half of whatever is left, and the other half goes into savings. That way he gets to spend some, but he is also learning to save.
May 7, 2012 at 8:29 am
I kind of agree with Tara. I think that perhaps you could compromise and put half to his RESP, and allow him to have fun with the other half.
I know that when I personally get money for gifts, I will normally put the money into planned spending, so that I can use it to buy myself some new clothes, or splurge on activities with friends, or even just put it into my vacation fund.
I don’t know how you handle gift money that you personally receive – perhaps you do put it all into your RRSP savings (it’s the same thing as putting his into his RESP), but even if he got to enjoy half of it for an experience that you might not otherwise do – maybe you could ask him if there is somewhere he would like to go (using his gift money for his admission only – it wouldn’t be fair for his gift money at 6 to pay for your admission, too) and he could go to the zoo or a science centre and enjoy an experience as well as see how his money can be used in many ways other than just buying new toys.
I can understand his disappointment though at not having a say in any of the money that he receives as a gift – unless family specifically earmarked it for RESP, of course.
May 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Hey, I pretty much practice what I preach when I get incoming “special” money….I save some and spend some. If the little dude hadn’t already had a party, received a ton of gifts etc. he would have received a portion of the money to spend (rest to savings and charity), similar to what you, Tara, Danielle, Theresa, and others have suggested.
But I am definitely on board with finding ways to spend money without buying consumer goods. As I read in one of Gail’s posts not long ago, experiences make people truly happy, not stuff.
May 7, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Fact is the gift was for him and unless it was specifically given for his education funds you should not just take it and not let him have a say. For my granchildren I buy a gift and also give money to the education fund on their Birthdays.
May 7, 2012 at 8:32 am
We have a rule for monetary presents with my 2 children (ages 10 & 6) and our family members not only abide by it, but tend to encourage it. Cash can be used immediately or saved in their savings envelopes (big manila envelopes that hang on the wall by their rooms cause Jars get broken too easily) Checks go directly into savings accounts for college. It has worked out really well for both of my children to teach them about saving for the big items they want instead of having what I call a “gimme” moment.
May 7, 2012 at 8:39 am
we live in NS while most of our family is in Quebec and Ontario so we normally get $ instead of gifts. As we have moved alot, the little ones dont really have friends to have at brithday parties, so we take some of the money and get small things like colouring books and caulk ect. so they have something to open.
we have been saving 200$/month total in RESPs for the 2. we started when they were born and we feel that they should help pay for thier own education so with the majority of the money, we place it into an account that is just for them. the plan is for large purchases like bikes, bunk beds and the like. Last week we were able to buy them a huge little likes play set for outside (on sale and with 2/3rds shipping free lol).
we are lucky that at this age they just care about the card more than the cheque that falls out, but when they start to understad more we will be “mean” too, explaining that they can have a portion but x% is going to savings.
May 7, 2012 at 8:42 am
i agree with putting money aside some of the cheque .. sure.. but that is that child’s bday money.. the people who gave it to the child choose to allow the child to pick what they wanted to spend money on.. not what mommy wants. a child at age 6 is learning about money and that cheque would be a great way to help the child learn how to really budget.. ie 10 percent saving, give some to charity and then the rest for the child.. but some people give kids cash for the bday becasue they didnt have time to go shopping for something.. so the child should be able to use that .. she says she gives him an allowance .. the child can learn to save from that.. and for them also to say.. we will never take a family vacation .. you dont have to break the bank to do that..many things you can do to make memories.. memories with your children are as important. sorry but I disagree there are ways to save and teach your kids about savings without stealing their bday presents… wonder how she would feel if you receive some amazing gift ( and to a 6 year old a cheque is amazing) like a 100 dollar gift card to a favourite spa from someone who wanted to give a busy mom and the husband or kid said oh sorry mom.. you dont get this.. we’ll put that aside for when you really need it.. not now:)
May 7, 2012 at 8:44 am
If I am being perfectly honest, taking all the money that a 6 year old got for his birthday and not allowing him any part of it is mean. In fact I think mean is a kind word for this. The author says herself that little dude doesn’t understand the idea of future education? THere is an unmeasurable joy for a child to take a few dollars and go to a store and pick out something they REALLY REALLY want. Heck give a child a toonie and take them to the dollarstore, the joy is the same.
Besides, this money was given to him by the givers it was their gift to him not to the parents to on his behalf. If I found out that my gift was giving and then taken back by the parents (reagardless of their intentions), I would be furious.
If this couple wanted to teach financial responsibility they could have taken a percentage and put it into savings but to take it all is in fact MEAN.
May 7, 2012 at 8:54 am
Have to agree it is mean. And controlling. My children just celebrated events recently where they received alot of cash, and I just told the 8 yr old we’re opening a bank account for her..to start saving some of whatever she gets from now on, but she can use for thing she’d like, within reason. The 12 yr old has begun purchasing things she needs (clothes, books) with her own cash, and has proven to be tight with her savings. We do RESPs and that is separate and the kids do not need to contribute to that, because I believe that is something extra that parents should be managing NOT kids.
May 7, 2012 at 10:48 am
Yes it was “mean” and “controlling” from my child’s perspective…
I am also mean and controlling when I tell the little dude to:
Get to bed!
Eat your vegetables!
Enough TV!
No more junk food!
As to who is responsible for education savings? To each to their own, right? I don’t think I would ever expect my little dude to pay for his clothes, but *you* obviously do…
Neither one of is is right or wrong. Just different.
May 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm
When the child is young I think it’s ok to set the money aside and your choice of where it goes. But once they understand then it should be there choice within reason. A savings account they’ll have access to vs resp would be more reasonable. Personally I’m not expecting my child to buy their own clothes or books but feel if there is item beyond what I’ve purchased using their own money is a good solution. This waa something my parents did for me and I’m thankful they did.
May 7, 2012 at 9:08 am
I think that not giving your son his bday money is extremely mean!! My mom gives all of her grandkids money for their birthdays. My kids have always been allowed to spend that on a gift. My mom would rather that the kids pick out their own presents. To me bday money is the gift, and it should be spent on a gift. I actually cannot believe that you would make him put all his bday money into his future education fund. If I had sent your child money for his bday, and it all went into future savings, the next time, I don’t know if I’d send money again. The least you could have done was pool all the bday money, and let him buy a nice gift, and asked him to put a little bit into future savings!!
This is just my 2 cents worth!
May 7, 2012 at 9:20 am
I agree with April. A child should be held accountable for their future education savings. The child doesn’t have the concept of future education. If a parent wants to contribute to a child’s education via an RESP, that is their choice and their gift to the child. Not every child will choose to go to school. By taking the child’s gift money and putting it towards an event that may not happen due to their own adult choices is robbing them of precious childhood experiences. I also don’t believe parents are responsible for paying for their children’s education. Mine was never paid for by my parents. That was their choice. And yes times were difficult for me but I learned a lot of valuable savings lessons and to value the education I had to pay for. There is nothing wrong with a grown child taking on a part-time job either while in high school or during college to pay for their way. Or even taking a few years off in between high school and college to work and save up. I know it is difficult to save up for the entire thing but no one should expect their education to be paid for by someone else. Higher education is not a right but a privilege. And despite what people believe in this day and age, it is not always necessary.
May 7, 2012 at 10:39 am
I totally agree that higher education is a privilege and it isn’t right for everyone. There is a huge shortage of people who work in the trades right now, and too many unemployed/underemployed university grads.
I dunno about “robbing” my children “of precious childhood experiences” though. If I take away a few cheques per year to put toward their RESPs vs. the rest of the bday gifts/holiday gifts/two sets of grandparents who spoil them, how is this really going to impact them!!!??
My kids have it pretty good, I think.
May 7, 2012 at 9:42 am
I understand wanting to save for your children’s education. However, your child is 6. Taking money that was given on his birthday to him in a card where he would see it, is mean. If the person giving the money wanted it to be used for his education, I would think they would have the courtesy of giving it to you privately and not putting it in his birthday card where he would see it.
I believe that the other comments have it right and you need to be willing to compromise. He’s 6, so to him, $20 is the world. Give him $20 to buy his toys and put the balance of the cheques into the bank. This has nothing to do with what he did or didn’t receive over and above these cheques and everything to do with the fact that it’s HIS money.
May 7, 2012 at 10:55 am
The one great grandmother who sent the cheque didn’t specify what the $ was to be used for. I am not a rude person to disregard a gift giver’s explicit wishes. She is well into her 90s, and Canada Post actually sent the card through without a stamp.
The other cheque was from my parents who are totally on board with the RESP, and they had already given a toy.
If he hadn’t already received a ton of gifts etc. I would have given him a portion and saved the rest.
May 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
I don’t think it is unreasonable that kids take an active role in helping to save for their education.
When I was young, ALL birthday and Christmas money was put into a bank account, and it was spent on things I wanted, but also helped to pay for gifts of other family members. I’m sure my parents put all cheques in an education saving fund, but I wouldn’t know because I DON”T REMEMBER what I did at 6 yrs old!
I’m sure you can always compromise… cash in hand, cheques in the bank, but regardless, at the end of the day it is the parents decision what they do with it… and I’m sure any kid would love to know that their parents were able to save their birthday money and present them with a couple of thousand dollars when they leave off to school, or need to buy a car…. I’m sure they would thank them then!
I think the author is doing a great job. Children as well as adults have a sense of entitlement these days, and it’s sucks, but kids have to learn that they can’t always get what they want, and do what they want… as parents, it’s OUR duty to teach and protect them, and that includes money.
May 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
Thank you all for posting, even though (most of) y’all are harsh to say the least!!
I dunno if it would change anyone’s opinion but “little dude” was more than well covered in the toy/gift department when the cheques came through. He has enough toys to open up a store. He had just received a TON of presents and a very expensive bday party.
These gifts include gift cards to Toysrus (which he spends as he pleases), as well as toys he specifically asked for from his grandparents.
This post wasn’t meant to be about me taking away the little dude’s control over his money. This was a cheque from a great grandmother (someone whom he doesn’t even know) right after he had tons of other gifts etc., as well as my parents who are in favour of RESP savings. If you had read my other posts, you would see that he DOES have control over most of the money that comes his way (e.g. HE chooses the charitable gift, he chooses how to spend, and he can eventually choose what to use for long term savings).
Re: whether parents should be saving for their kids future education. That is obviously a personal choice. I don’t intend to pay 100% of their way, but helping subsidize his possible future education is more important to me than letting him buy yet another plastic toy (I know that is what he would choose) that clutters up our house. If my kids choose not to pursue a post secondary education, that is fine too, we will repay the government grants and use the money for something else.
As for using the $ for experiences, I am totally on board with that but we have memberships to many places already (a post for another day).
May 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
I worry that the lesson he is learning from this is actually “if I get a gift then I need to be secretive with it and spend it before someone gets a chance to steal it from me.” I agree with others who suggest saving a portion of it so he sees the value of savings, especially if you have it as a fun fund so if in the future he wants something expensive like a bike or video game system he can understand the value of saving towards those things. At this age he is not going to fully understand the concept of college which is so far off in the future, and wouldn’t necessarily be required for a truck driver or a fire fighter.
May 7, 2012 at 1:29 pm
I plan on taking the “little dude” on a “field trip” to visit a relative who works at a University chemistry lab so he can begin to understand about what post secondary education might mean. I hope that he does decide to go to college or university for the sake of an education. No, he doesn’t have to. And yes, he can still be a mixer truck driver or fire fighter if he wants to.
Obviously, I don’t think of what I did as “stealing”.
May 7, 2012 at 10:33 am
My Mom was mean and took my birthday and Christmas money to put away for university, too. I was jealous of my cousins at the time, but I still have my education, while their remote control cars and Barbies are long gone. I give money to my niece and nephew as kids get so many toys and STUFF these days. I mention to my SIL that it could be for swimming or other activity, but if it went to RESP, that is fine too. It is still to their benefit.
May 7, 2012 at 10:54 am
He is 6…how much more does he need?!
He is a pretty lucky kid. The bday party sounded like a lot of fun. Others are not so fortunate. Facing disappointment and not getting what he wants 100% is not the end of the world. It is life! I think he is better off. He will get over it. Kids just know how to say hurtful things (esp to teh ones they love!)…they are stuck in the “it is all about me” phase…they have no filter or perspective. He doesn’t understand now but he is better off in the long run.
Being a parent you have to be bad cop sometimes. Sorry “meany” mommy! It is not always fun but that is part of the role…to set boundaries. Tough LOVE. You have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
May 7, 2012 at 11:23 am
As discussed with my sister, when her daughter was born, I send cheques to my niece for Christmas and her birthday. It is marked RESP. I do not see my niece often enough (different provinces) to know what clothes she likes and what toys she “needs”. When Niece asked me what I bought her for her birthday, I told her that I didn’t, I gave money for university, she was thrilled! At seven years old, she is saving for large purchases of her choice and her education and is excited that other people are encouraging her and HELPING her.
May 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm
As a “mean” auntie myself, kudos to you!
May 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm
Wow…a lot of strong opinions in the mix here. I commend Beckie for handling the comments with such grace. She is right to say that no one here is neither right or wrong, just everyone working within what they feel is best for their family. And as food for thought – anyone who has ever watched ‘Til Debt… or Princess will watch Gail provide very tough challenges to help people out of debt – does that make her a “mean” financial advisor? I don’t think so – just makes her a direct and effective advisor!
I am a gift-giver to young children. I see my niece and nephew’s basement that is bursting at the seams with toys and “stuff” that they rarely play with. I also know that their parents have notoriously poor money management skills (they have admitted this to us) and place value in “stuff” as opposed to future investments/family/holidays. They have no savings and have not started any savings for either of the children to go to post-secondary schools. We decided that we would give them a gift that is more of an “investment” – Savings Bonds.
We decided this because the money goes into the children’s names and it delays the instant gratification of it being spent on stuff that they truly are not in need of (they are generally not cashable for the first year). The rest of the family chooses to buy clothes and toys, so the children are definitely not “deprived”.
For me, I agree with Beckie’s motives, and will likely take a similar approach in my future parenting. Teaching her children the value of money is tough… and teaching them the value of things are truly needed and/or the importance of family is even tougher in a world with very aggressive marketing…however, it’s a task that needs to be approached. I will also entertain the idea of splitting it to be part savings – part spending… probably suggesting 75% of savings – 25% spending when my future children get to the age that they can comprehend that money can buy toys.
Beckie is not a “mean” mommy, she’s just a mommy who wants to teach certain values and beliefs to her children. We all do it in our own way, and, again, no one is right or wrong – just different.
May 7, 2012 at 12:05 pm
I agree with many of the posters above, although of course we don’t know your entire situation.
As an aunt of older “kids” (in their 20′s), it makes me crazy when I give money for birthday/Christmas/graduation and their mom or dad immediately takes it for gas money, tuition, or whatever. I want the kids to enjoy the gift and to spend the money on something fun!
May 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Well that sounds like a strange situation, but hardly comparable to mine (a/my kid is only 6, and b/gift givers did not specify that the money was for “fun”).
Are the “kids” living at home, and maybe they aren’t paying their fair share to their parents for living expenses? If that is the case, then any money they have *should* be taken by their parents.
But if their parents are taking what is rightfully their GROWN children’s property, then if I were you I’d be secretly handing over the money.
May 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm
At first glance, I had the same thought as many other posters “wow- that’s so mean! He doesn’t even understand what saving for education is for!”
Then I thought about it a bit more. As a recent University grad (with no kids, so I can’t share the mom perspective) I am incredibly happy and lucky that my parents put so much effort into education savings for their four kids. We were all lucky enough to not have to work through school for anything other then spending money (since tuition and housing were covered) and all graduated with no debt. As I am exactly 1 year out of school in a very tough economy for entry level positions, I’m currently watching many of my friends struggle with multiple minimum wage jobs to pay off OSAP and other loans.
Do I remember the toys I got when I was 6? Nope, can’t think of one.
Saving for education may not be something he appreciates at 6, but at 22 when he can be saving money for his first house, or a trip to Europe, (both of which I’m working on right now) he’ll appreciate the decision you made!
May 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Thanks so much for sharing your experience.
Given the rapidly rising costs of tuition, and then the general unemployment/underemployment for recent grads, it is a recipe for crazy debt loads for young people, even before they try to buy a house and have kids. I know life isn’t fair, but it seems like life is becoming *more* unfair for young people.
May 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I also meant to add – my parents are both public school teachers, so we are a classic middle-class family of 6 (7, if you count the dog).
I’ve also found that, while job opportunities are few and far between (most “entry” level career-track jobs want 4-6 years of experience and I had to move across the country to find solid, full-time employment) many of my friends were not taught how to properly manage money. They always had everything they wanted and knew nothing about savings accounts, etc. It’s unbelievable how many people I know used their OSAP money for reading week trips, or to buy a car, not realizing how hard it was going to be to pay off when they finished school. (I actually know people who refer to OSAP as “free money”)
Keep at it, Beckie! Graduating debt-free (while teaching me about saving…I’ve been putting money in an RRSP since I was 19) is the greatest gift my parents have ever given me, except, you know, life
May 8, 2012 at 6:18 pm
I also think that what you are doing is a good idea. You will have to wait about 11 years, but I’m sure that you will get a big thank you from your son.
I also just graduated from university. My parents used to put 100% of my birthday / Christmas money towards an RESP. I didn’t even realize it for the longest time, and I certainly didn’t feel deprived. There were always more than enough toys in my house. As I got older, my parents changed it to 50% of gift money would go to the RESP and the other 50% would go to whatever I wanted. Even then, I never felt that I was missing out on anything, and had a better appreciation for saving money.
By the time I went to university, it was such a relief to never have to stress about money. It was a privilege to go to school when my only focus needed to be studying. I am so lucky that my parents had the foresight to contribute on my behalf to things that I didn’t even know I would appreciate so much.
I graduated from my M.Sc in December debt-free (thanks to the RESP and saving my money from co-op and the graduate studies stipend), am half way through saving for a down-payment on a house, and happily employed.
May 7, 2012 at 1:23 pm
I agree that a PORTION of his gift should be put towards saving for his future ~ I have done the same, BUT as it is his birthday gift, he should also have a measure of control over it as anyone else would. The gift-giver did not give YOU some extra money to save for education; they gave HIM a gift to be put to something that HE chooses (and he should choose a PORTION of savings if this is what is regularly taught). I would, in fact, help him start a “Disney World” fund because that is something he really wants to do and he could learn a lot by saving for a big-ticket item.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given was to invest in experiences and not stuff when it comes to children and it is true that when I look back on my life thus far, I remember all of the places and the feelings and people (mostly family) associated with the places and remember almost none of the “stuff”. Vacations (even little ones) are just as important as retirement savings because you can never get those years back when the children are small and everything is still magical. There should be some balance and it seems that that is what’s lacking in taking ALL of his birthday money and not taking family vacations. The priorities are definitely there, and this is great, but there is no balance.
May 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Read the post again, I said we don’t take “expensive” family vacations, we still take vacations and do a ton of fun things. Nor did I say what the gift givers intended to have us do with the cheques (read my feedback on earlier posts).
Why does a portion of every single cheque need to be relinquished to a small child? This is assuming the gift giver does not specify how to spend the money (as they didn’t, in this case).
He also had an amazingly fun (and pricey) bday party i.e. experience. He chose the place and we invited the whole Kindy class.
A Disneyworld fund is a a great idea. I’m on board with that.
May 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm
After reading many of the comments on this page I wonder how many of you really understand what is happening here. “little dude” is 6 years old. He has a loving family who gives him great birthday parties, lots of attention and has tons of toys from what the post says. I don’t think what the rest of you are saying is all that nice. Being a parent is difficult. You need to set boundaries and enforce them so our children can learn to set their own goals and be able to adapt to an environment where they won’t be able to always get what they want. As a working mother of 2 children who does the SAME THING when my kids get money for birthdays I think you are being a very responsible parent and teaching your child a true lesson in life. Good for you!!!
May 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm
I am a mean Mommy. My children are 4 and 2 and they are the only children in both mine and my husband’s large European families. Both of their birthdays are close to Christmas and I am starting to dread the holidays because of the massive amount of stuff they get. I am also guilty of buying cool-but-unnecessary toys/clothes. We donate many, many items.
Both sets of grandparents, as well as, Great Aunts and Uncles give monetary gifts which immediately go into the kids (joint account). In addition, any gifts they are not interested in/don’t like/already have that I can exchange for cash, I do and also deposit the money into their account.
My DD is 4 and we have just started her on an allowance so that she can (hopefully) can an understanding about money and gratitude for all that she has. I do not feel one bit guilty taking their gift money and investing it. Like Becky’s kids, they are truly blessed with very much. I place all of their gift money into an ING account and use the funds for their RESPs and a small stock account. Any dividends they earn are reinvested into the ING account. While I was growing up, any money gifts were used to buy things my parents would consider as extras ie skates, lessons, etc. My children’s reality is different so I cannot apply the same standards to them.
In the end, I think we are all on the same page in ultimately wanting to teach our children about financial responsibility –we are just going about it in our own ways, according to our circumstances.
May 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm
As a recent graduate I was so thankful for RESPs, they helped to pay for 2 years of residences, and 3 years of tuition and books. I only had to take out a loan for my last year of school and it was a small loan at that. I put lots of the money I made during my high school years into my RESP because I knew the cost of school. And with the rising costs of living and tuition, I can only hope Little Man will be very happy that you made him save all those pennies for his education. Although I do agree that there needs to be a little bit put aside for fun, let him pick one nice toy to get and he has to use his own money to buy it.
May 7, 2012 at 6:17 pm
So to recap – a kid gets tons of birthday presents, has what sounds like a fun and generous party and to balance that out a mother decides to put a cheque from granny and a cheque from great granny into the bank for savings. If the kid’s class was invited that may mean up to 15-20 toys from friends (what’s a typical class size these days?). I see no issues with putting the money in savings and am shocked people here are so offended.
May 7, 2012 at 7:25 pm
I find your responses to people a little offensive. You picked the topic and wrote about it knowing that others would have an opinion. I think you should take a page from Gail’s book and not feel the need to add your opinion to every comment.
May 7, 2012 at 9:46 pm
I felt the need to clarify that the gift givers did not stipulate any conditions and that my kid normally has plenty of control over his material world.
Many of the “Other voices” bloggers post regularly in response to comments on their posts. Why do you feel it is an issue for me to do so and how was I offensive?
In fact, I felt offended by a few posters…not because they disagreed with what I did, but because they said things well…meanly, lol.
May 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm
I love that your reply to post comments – it shows that you’re taking an interest in what other people think and not just writing your blog post and leaving it. We may not all agree with you and I know that can be hard to read again and again, so it’s nice to see that you aren’t just ignoring the negative comments
May 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm
Thanks so much Tara.
This little writing gig is really a learning experience for me. I’m an intensely private person by nature, so in opening myself up to criticism I’m learning to “deal”, so to speak.
May 7, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Well, far from me to tell someone how to raise their child. But I see a lot of red herrings here.. The argument isn’t whether putting the money away in savings is a good thing (of course it is), or whether the mom is mean (I doubt it), or whether the money belongs to the child to do as he pleases (well, kids can’t really do as they please, that’s why there is an age of majority).
However, the issue also has nothing to do with how many toys the kid already has, or how nice a party and how much loot he got. I think the issue is mostly that a child who understands what a gift is felt that it was taken away from him arbitrarily. Yeah, sure, one day he will understand the value of an education (we hope) but right now, all his little 6-year old brain knows is that he had no control and no say over something that was supposedly his.
I don’t think this is about money, but control. Helplessness is a destructive emotion. Would it have been so terrible to let the kid play with a couple of bucks of his own gift?? To at least give him an illusion of control? I know the mom meant well, she does sound caring. But note the kid was upset. He’s not talking about the loot he got, he’s talking about how he feels ripped off and how “mean” his mom was. I know his mom isn’t being mean. But I’m not sure that right now he does. My mom used to do that to me too. She is a lovely woman but honesttogawd to this day I still remember not being allowed to wear my new gift shoes at least once when I got them for my own birthday. I know it’s stupid but it still makes me go grrrr. Just don’t let it turn into a pattern, mom! Give your kid some say!
May 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Keeping up with the girls’ RESPs was always one of my biggest priorities. As an adult who started out her working life already $35K in the whole, I swore I’d never leave my kids to their own devices the way my parents did me (and they could have easily afforded it too).
I will expect my children to work part-time jobs both to learn responsibility and to start building good resumes, but I will not leave the burden of paying for their education to them. For me it’s one of my biggest jobs as a parent.
May 8, 2012 at 10:23 am
I am saving for my daughter’s education, but I will definitely not have the attitude that saving for her education comes before everything else. I plan to have lots of fun with her. My best friend died at 17 years old and wasn’t able to use the laptop or education funds that his parents set aside. I think people should focus more on the present.
May 8, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Hey Beckie, carry on, you’re responding quite graciously to some pretty judgemental posts. And keep doing what you’re doing with your kids, it works for your family and yes, a 6 year old needs direction and guidance – giving kids so called “choices” about all things at all ages isn’t always the right course! And many, many kids just have an obscene amount of stuff and treats these days, so less is always better.
May 9, 2012 at 12:42 am
Way to go Lynn! I agree, to each is own and Beckie, you took the responses in stride. Way to create a debate! Keep it up.
May 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm
I would love to hear Gail’s take on this one…..
May 9, 2012 at 11:39 pm
See the bottom of this blog:
http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/910
I can’t speak as a parent, but from a gift givers perspective, I would tend to agree. It doesn’t matter to me how many other gifts the child got. The money is in leiu of a gift, and therefore I would expect that the child would get the same use from it as they would if I had bought them a toy (or tickets to the zoo, or whatever). It wouldn’t even occur to me to specifically tell the parents that the money is for the child to spend; it’s implied. Now, if I specifically told the parents, this is for savings, education, whatever, that is a different story. Although personally, I’d feel I was a little mean if I only gave money for education/savings (unless they were in high school or university and would actually appreciate that).
May 10, 2012 at 10:14 am
Perhaps a better way to achieve what you are trying to do lead by example instead of force. He is going to feel powerless if you take what you want of his whenever you want. His money and his candy… Instead of just taking what you want you will create resentment and this will worsen as he ages. When you are sharing your candy with him.. just say how nice it makes you feel to share your treats with him.. you wouldnt let him take your candy without your ok.. Same with the money….
If someone gives you a cheque.. obviously its found $$ and you arent going to spend it since you won’t let him do that. So get all excited and donate to your charity of choice, put the rest in savings.
Your job as a parent is to empower your child not make him feel powerless. If his stuff is not is.. what is?
May 10, 2012 at 10:17 am
Let him see your excitement, the donation and let him go to the bank with you and see it being deposited.
May 11, 2012 at 7:46 am
Nice investigating work Eunice!
I think it is mean to take a gift (monetary or otherwise) away from the child. Perhaps there is a large purchase, new bike, new game, cell phone etc. that is more expensive than most people can afford and your boy can save this money until he gets more and put it towards this goal….that way he learns to save and gets rewarded in the end.