So there it is, the big secret. Of course I still get a pain in my gut every time we buy something bigger than we should be able to afford (some new summer clothes, books, professional soccer tickets at half price) But apparently it is not so much of a pain that we rap our wrists and smarten up. Our budget is currently a pile of misplaced cash, empty jars, and about six printouts of Gail’s online budget worksheet—the living room is a mess.

If this were an episode of TDDUP Gail would probably award us with no money with the way we have been avoiding the money lately. How do we get back on track? The answers in front of us are either:
A) Make more money and then make the budget based on that new income because the one we have no longer fits our needs.
B) Use the student loans for their intended purpose and live off of the surplus, slowly chipping away at it over the coming months.

And of course in good husband and wife fashion we have discussed both of these at lengths. Yes making more money is a great solution except—
Yes living off of the student loan surplus makes sense for students who are making a mad dash for the degree finish line except—
Except what? Excuses. Remember when I said we got really good at reasoning out of anything? It’s just a merry-go-round and then we go out and leave the cash at home. Again.

Time for a change, time for a plan! Husband is going to be done school before the year comes to an end, and I am not far behind him, then our big ugly debt suddenly becomes a lot bigger, and a whole heck of a lot uglier. I can’t say for sure how it’s all going to go down but in the next few months it looks like our plan is to put school before the rest of it and finish it strong, because ultimately that GPA will make or break the dream of grad school for both of us. Then in that glorious time between undergrad and grad school when most people would enjoy their free time, we are going to work our tails off, like we did in the year before our wedding, and turn our debt around. For real this time!

That is one thing I have learned from this big rut we have been in financially—you have to have a solution before you’re going to try and turn it around. It simply isn’t enough to say “hey I have fallen off the bandwagon, I should probably hop back on” We needed to address why we fell off, and what we were going to do to strap ourselves in this time. It is going to be an interesting year I can promise you that!

And, the good news is, nothing has changed on that front. Well… one thing has. My new job is keeping me far busier than I expected, and other aspects of my life are becoming far more demanding as well.

This is my final post to the shared pot that Gail has been good enough to create for us.  I am glad to have had a chance to start it off. But truth be known, I haven’t had time to even read her blog of late, and although I appreciate the chance to write and reflect, I’m not able to devote as much thought and effort as I want to this blog.

And it’s hard work. Something new and interesting to say once a week on schedule… it’s more taxing on ny brain than I magined. I must say, I admire Gail’s regularity of posting: once every weekday, every week… it’s quite something.

I picked a small map diagram as my identity picture for these posts. I collect maps, and it seems good for me.

Maps are a precious invention. The notion of seeing the world planned out in miniature on a piece of paper is remarkable. And, for me, it calls out as a world to be seen. Because although it can figuratively represent a place, no map, no plan, can contain all the details. Is that shoreline a brackish marsh, or a pebbled beach?  Do these streets thrive with excitement, or are they peaceful and serene?

You can guess. You can apply your memory. You can gaze at the map and imagine. But only if you go there will you know. And it is the unexpected discoveries that will make your travels more rewarding.

And so it is with a plan. I had planned one thing, but in the details, I found something else entirely.

I find myself with precious little left to say, dear reader, other than I wish whoever takes this blog-slot the best of luck with their own journey and writings, and now let us raise our metaphorical glasses: cheers to the soundness of the plans we lay before us; and a toast, to the unexpected discoveries that await each of us.

All the best to all of you,

Richard.

“Mommy, can I go to the hospital and have a blood test done?”

Me (holding back tears): “Of course not, you are healthy, you don’t need a blood test.”

Little dude starts to whine: “But Mommeeeee I want to have a new toy!”

“I’m sorry sweetie but the answer is no.  You are welcome to use the money from your Spend jar to buy a toy.  Let’s play tickle monster. ”

You see the “little dude” had a week long hospital stay at Sick Kids hospital last year, non life-threatening but it involved many months of weekly blood tests and occasional outpatient visits to the hospital for treatment.   Our whole family was a miserable wreck, except for the “little dude”.  He was actually a pillar of strength, partly due, to his deeply felt LOVE of toys.  After every blood test he got to go to the toy store to pick out pretty much ANY TOY he wanted, not to mention two sets of doting and generous grandparents sending boxes filled with toys and games.  We all joked about opening up a toy store in our house.

During this time, I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand, my kid was going through something terrible, what parent wouldn’t empty their bank account to help relieve their child’s pain in any way they could?  On the other hand, my child was becoming quite the materialistic little person.  So I decided to set limits: he was allowed to choose a toy, but only under a certain dollar amount.  We discussed this in advance, but he still had a tantrum when he didn’t get his way.  A large part of me was crying internally, but I held my ground.  Weeks later, he decided he had enough toys for the moment and a package of candy or chips became a sufficient reward.  Success!

For some reason, I notice that parents these days (including me) have trouble saying “no” to children, whether it is in response to requests for “stuff” or just in general.  When I was growing up, I recall my mom saying “no” frequently to my numerous demands.  Yet I witness this modern phenomenon on an almost daily basis while working at a public library.  Small kids will often start to scream bloody murder and many parents just ignore their inappropriate behaviour.  After a few minutes, when my colleagues or I eventually go over to nicely ask the parent to take their child out of the library and come back after the child has calmed down, we usually get one of the following responses: 1) nasty looks 2) parents who say “yeah yeah” but do nothing 3) possibly called some “choice” names directly to our faces or muttered loudly on the way out.   

Personally, I will continue on the bumpy path less travelled and stand firm on setting limits where warranted.  In doing so, I *will* disappoint the “little dude” often in his frequent requests for more toys, candy, treats and so on.  At times, my kids won’t be happy with me, and that’s okay.  I’m doing the best that I can as a parent, and that’s all anyone can ever do.

That’s right. You heard me. The reason you are reading this blog, the reason you watch Till Debt Do Us Part and Princess, the reason you search this website, is not because of your debt. Debt is not the problem.

Time and time again, I hear people say to me, “These interest rates are killing me! I can’t believe they can get away with charging this much interest. If the interest wasn’t so high, maybe I could pay down my debt.”

Wrong. Interest rates are not the problem.

“Well if my credit rating wasn’t so low, I could get approved for a consolidation loan! It’s such a stupid system anyways…”

Sorry. Your credit score isn’t the problem either.

“But if the bank would just give me a consolidation loan, then I’d have a real solution! I could have one monthly payment, and a lower interest rate.”

Incorrect. Not getting a consolidation loan is not the problem.

Some people think if they can get ANY consolidation loan, their problem is solved. “Who cares if the interest rate is a bit higher? It’s only a 5 year loan; we’ll be debt free soon!”

I apologize for sounding like a broken record, but that’s also not solving the problem.

“Luckily we have equity in our home. We can use some of the equity to pay off our debts, and finally we’ll be debt-free forever!”

Nope.  Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

“If only my parents were better off”, “If only we would win the lottery”, “If gas prices wouldn’t keep going up”, “If houses didn’t cost so much”, if only, if only, if only…

If I haven’t made myself clear yet, it’s not the debt that is the problem. It’s not the interest rate, the credit rating, the payments… It’s what’s causing the debt, that is the problem.

There is a rule of cause and effect. If your debt is the effect – what is the cause? Your debt is a consequence of your actions.  Grab your metaphorical shovel and dig deep, real deep, and think back through the years. What have you been using credit for? No, I don’t mean “well my cable bill gets automatically billed to my credit card”. I’m talking WHY.

Why have you had to reach for your credit card? Does over half your income go towards your household bills? Do you eat out too much (me)? Do you shop when you’re sad? Do you make a budget and never take it off the paper? Do you just not have enough income to go around?

My then-boyfriend, now-husband and I wanted to live a certain way but truthfully and honestly didn’t have the means to live that lifestyle at the time. I was young and still in university. He was just beginning his career in I.T. We had to do one of two things – increase our income, or adjust our lifestyle. We decided to do both.

We also consolidated our debts. Yes, lower interest rates and having one manageable payment may be part of your solution, but there’s more to it than that. Here’s a prime example as to why: When we were up to our eyeballs in debt, we consolidated our debts to lower our interest rates and to have one easy, monthly payment. We vowed that it would be the end of our debts; we were never going to use our credit cards again! But every time I tried to live life on a budget, I remembered something else I “needed” to buy that wasn’t in the budget.  Do you think we were the first couple to consolidate and then rack up debt again? Ha!

We weren’t getting to the root of the problem. We consolidated, but we kept up the same lifestyle using credit , so whammo, we were in debt again. It was a hard lesson for us to learn, and it was a shift in our mindset that became one of the keys to our success. Debt is all about attitude, and when our attitudes improved, so did our finances. Our budget didn’t stand a chance until we changed our attitude and the habits we had that kept us in debt.

With baby steps, we addressed the cause of our debts and were able to gain control over our spending. You can too. So tell me, what is the root cause of your debt? What have you done to overcome it?

Snowflaking is an extension of this, on the small scale.  You find a few dollars here or there — either literally, in the sense of found money (on the side of the street, in the couch, by virtue of a little job on the side, whatever), or metaphorically, by not spending your budget — and instead of putting it to ‘wants’, you put it to your debts.  Or your savings.

Now, I was better at this when I was paying off my debt.  I’ve had plenty of opportunity this week, and . . . well, didn’t do any better with my found money than I did with my efforts to follow Arianne’s challenge and have a no-spend week last week.  I had about $50 in found money last week, and, well, I decided not to put in into my savings and instead used it for a couple of unnecessary but definitely pleasant purchases.

It didn’t even occur to me to put the found money into my savings until after I spent it, I’m afraid.  Later in the week I was starting to do some research towards the cost of going to Europe next summer, and realised that that $50 represented a ferry trip to Ireland from England, or a night in a hostel, or, basically, a day extra I can spend fulfilling a long-held dream. This is when I remembered the idea of snowflaking, that a bit here and there can do wonders for savings — the same way it can do wonders for making holes in your balance.

I think my lesson this week is that things are a case of two steps forward, one step back, one step forward, three steps sideways, and so on.  I know the importance of small steps — a couple of years ago my sister and I walked across Spain, one step at a time.  We didn’t go a full thousand miles, but it was a long walk.  I want to do another one next year.  So . . . small steps, trending forwards.  And I’ll enjoy the sideways steps too, when I can.

I’m a lady who enjoys lady things: lace gloves at tea time, snow-white kittens, frolicking in a field of tulips and GETTING FREE THINGS! Let me explain:

I was invited to an event on last night at an upscale menswear store. They’ve called it a “Scotch and Social” event where guests will taste test various cocktails made with scotch and rub elbows with the fashion-forward men and women of the city. I don’t know who I did right by in a past life but I was so thrilled to receive an invite like this. It seems so adult, so……sexy. This is what grown women do, isn’t it? We work all day, taking calls and accomplishing our tasks. In the blink of an eye, it’s the 6 o’clock hour and we’re almost late for a very important date but as a lady…you make them wait. We spruce ourselves up, put on another coat of lip gloss (chug a Coca-Cola Classic ‘cuz let’s be serious, it was a long a** day), we switch from our run-aroundable ballet flats into sky-high stilettos and we’ve taken our day look and grand-slammed it into an evening look that will stop all the hearts of all the boys we walk by.  We reach our destination, no waiting in line because our name’s ‘on the list.’ We walk in and we’re greeted with stares, men in blazers with sophisticated, velvet patches on their elbows, a kaleidoscope of pocket squares everywhere we look and then on the horizon – a long table. Like twinkling white Christmas lights, small glasses stretch across this table filled with scotch. And this, my friends, is when the night begins.

WHO DOESN’T LIKE TO BE INVITED TO THINGS WHERE YOU GET FREE THINGS?! How amazing is it that in these difficult financial times, there are events and gatherings that still exist in our fair city (or your fair city) that still want to show us a good time. Since last summer, I’ve somehow (through the power of GREAT friends) been invited to book launches, tastings, open houses, discussions, fashion shows, etc. In exchange for my presence, I’m given gifts of thanks in the form of books, accessories, baked goods, free drinks and fantastic company.

There was a time in my life when I would sit at home, broke (with the Kraft dinner, yadda yadda yadda, we all know my former life) and think I have NOTHING to do. I’m a failed adult.  I mean this in the most basic of terms. As someone who is chronologically considered ‘grown up,’ I’ve failed. Now I’m working in a job that’s taught me a ton about the things I do and don’t want out of business, I’m running my own business, I’ve bought a home, I’m steadily working my way out of debt and I’m getting to gallavant around the city without the worry of wondering if I can afford something. It’s just a fancy-schmancy good time and the city’s picking up the tab. Best. Date. Ever.

If only Gail would have a meet-and-greet in the city, that would be the fanciest night of all. (HINT! HINT!)

Wait, did I say relax? Sorry, slip of the tongue. That in between, limbo time was potentially more stressful than the heat of midterm season.Why you ask? Because I was disorganized. So much so that I almost forgot to construct today’s entry for you. In fact when I remembered and proceeded to complain to my husband that I need my routines otherwise I forget about stuff, he told me to write about that. So subject and title credit go to him this week.

But back to being disorganized—I can’t handle it. I forget when I plan things, I forget what day it is, I lose my phone and keys more often than normal, and I can’t commit to anything. A friend calls and asks “hey are you free this day?” and I reply saying “Uhm…maybe? I don’t know yet.” What is that? I don’t have homework, but something about having an all over the place schedule prevents me from penciling anything extra in. It became very apparent to me that because I was without a daily routine—a set schedule by which to plan around, I was a wreck. I can honestly say (and hubby would likely agree) that I was seriously on edge; I was that cliche “must you breathe so loud” kind of wife.

I feel the same way about our finances right now. Completely without routine or organization. The new budget for the summer can’t really take effect till the start of the new semester because of the changing schedules (or that was just the lazy lie we were telling ourselves) but the old budget was no longer meeting our needs because we weren’t on campus for the majority of the week any more. We were in budget limbo, and that kind of disorganization is where old habits seemed to thrive.

I need a routine! There I admit it. I am not the kind of person (which I have just realized) that can go through the days without some sort of structured schedule. This is quite the conclusion to come to considering I have had an all over the place shift schedule for most of my working life. As a student, I am forced into a new schedule every semester, and it dictates my entire life for those three months. I don’t know if I was always a routine based person that is simply reaching the end of their sanity with shift work, or if being a student has turned me into a routine based person, but summer semester has begun and already there has been a complete upswing in my mood. Perfect, that is one thing fixed with the reinstatement of a daily routine but our budget and spending habits are still suffering. Don’t worry, I will admit to more of our guilt in a future post. For now I leave you with a question: what do you do when there is suddenly disorganization in your daily routine? I would love the secret to not being a basket case when something changes and suddenly not even my six calendars can keep me organized.

My church, like many downtown churches, is land rich and, increasingly, congregation poor. The demographic the church once served effectively doesn’t exist in the neighbourhood anymore, but the church is anchored with buildings to a very precise location… so, as the world changes, it has to adapt.

One of the things our church has is a slender townhouse on the property, by no means elegant, but very much there. For years, it was nominally rented to a charity that helped homeless men re-establish the skills they need to have a home. So a rotating series of men lived there, for well over a decade, and the charity paid a small rent.

But, in the past year, the church’s relationship with the charity was brought to an end. The parish spruced up the house as best we could (it’s still an ongoing process) and put it out to market, to help bring in some money to help fund other outstanding liabilities.

It attracted the attention of a student at a university, and he assembled some friends, and they’ve decided to lease their first house together. I toured them and their parents through the townhouse, and all its Edwardian eccentricities (there’s no small amount of evidence that electricity and central heating were put through the house well after it was built).

These were great families to meet, and great young people as well. I was thoroughly charmed. At the very end they all gathered in the living room, and the young man talked about the research he had done on the neighbourhood, and into the different bills they’d have to set up. He’d even written a room-mate’s agreement for them to sign, and started asking me questions about what they could and couldn’t install.

Next story:

My workplace has hired a summer student. Today was his first day, so I took him out for lunch to make him feel welcome, and help make his first day at work relaxing and easy. I found out he’s in second year university, also studying geography like I did, so I felt some affinity. He’s going to be engaged in what is shaping up to be an immense research project for the summer: perfect for a student.

And it turns out this is almost like his first real job. Last year he travelled, and he’s so fresh out of high school that summer camp is still a very real thing for him, and during the year he’s a student.

He told me something fascinating: the best part for him about this job is he’s getting paid. He was entirely prepared for a summer where he’d be an unpaid intern. I’m actually really glad the company hired him for a paid position. Being a student is expensive, and it seems frankly exploitative to hire someone for nothing. Not to mention “you get what you pay for” when it comes to quality of work is a solid rule in my opinion.

The common thread for me with these two young men, is when I listen to them, I see shadows of myself stepping out into the world. I remember looking for an apartment in Peterborough, and then in Toronto. I remember looking at summer jobs as a student and trying to do the calculations for how much I needed.

And I feel a sense of pride for both of them: I don’t want to interfere, I don’t want to tell them how to do it right. I want them to define their own terms and succeed on them. I want the journeys they are starting to be exciting. And I want it to be filled with the good the world can offer them.

I am beginning to develop a deeper appreciation for the Yiddish concept of “be a mensch.” The world is full of optimistic young people who need mensches in their lives; people who will deal with them honestly and generously.

When it became clear that my church would have to wind down it’s relationship with the charity, I worried about what it meant to close down this charitable outlet. But, having met them, I’m happy our church is opening its house to the students. They’re brand new tenants, and they need someone to extend them a little faith and credit, and let them figure out what it’s like to have their own house.

There’s a realization in me that I can do little things to make other people’s journey’s easier. I think I’m going to try to commit to that from now on.

“Look mommy, cheques, now I can go to the toy store and buy new toys after you go to the bank to get the money”.

Me: “No, sorry sweetie but that money is going in the bank for your future education.”

Little dude (bottom lip trembling) “But I wanted to use the money for toys!”

Me….”Blah blah blah -Insert lecture to the little dude about the importance of saving for his future education-blah blah blah”

In case you are worried the “little dude” is deprived in any way, he had a fantastic birthday party at Loblaws, where the kids made pizza and decorated cupcakes, and he received quite a lot of generous gifts from the other kids.  He also gets an allowance ($3/week) to put money in his three jars.  Two weeks later we are at the haircutting place and the little dude is telling the hairdresser about his hard knock life.

“And my mommy is really mean” 

Hairdresser…looking concerned… “Really?  What does she do?”

 “She took my birthday money and she eats my candy!”

I breathe a sigh of relief that he didn’t say anything terrible.  And I did tell him that he needed to share his haul of treats and chocolate eggs with his mommy who has a sweet tooth. 

While I try to explain to the little dude how we want to save money for his future education (via RESPs), I fear at this point he doesn’t quite understand.  Right now he is only in Sr. Kindergarten and he tells me that when he grows up he will become a mixer truck driver AND a firefighter.  Yes, he thinks he can do both!  He even told me I can come along sometimes when he drives the truck

Right now, I feel that saving for our two kids’ future educations is a huge priority in our lives (after the mortgage, regular bills and squirreling some money away for retirement).  It is more important than taking any expensive family vacations, even when he regularly asks when we are going to Disney World.

So yeah, maybe I *am* mean.  But one day in the not too distant future, when he can go to school without having to take out massive student loans, I can only hope that he will be a little bit thankful that I’m so mean.

Doesn’t it feel like your neighbours, your family, and your friends are always getting pretty, shiny new things? One day your co-worker has a new iPad, the next day your friend has bought a new car, and before you know it your kids are asking to go to Disneyworld because all of their friends got to go! All the while, you are sitting there on your couch from 1914 listening to radio broadcasts on your old phonograph because you can’t afford to do anything else. (Well, maybe it’s not THAT extreme but it can feel like that sometimes!)

Seriously, how are all of these people able to afford all of these expensive things!? It can easily make us feel defeated and unhappy with our lives. So naturally, we try to keep up with the Joneses!

I’m guilty of comparing my life to the life of my friends. “How can they afford such a huge house?” “Their house is always so clean.” “I wish we could afford an SUV”.

Feeling deflated and poor, I had a flashback to the age of 14 when I thought the exact same thing about our family. Why did my family argue so much and why did my friends have such awesome parents who let them do whatever they wanted? “You never know what happens behind closed doors,” my Mom would say. Man, I hate when she’s right…

We usually assume that the Joneses can afford that trip to Hawaii that they took, or that the brand new house they live in is a result of impeccable financial planning and great salaries. Behind closed doors, you may not know that the Joneses were given their first house by their deceased grandparents, which they later sold for an easy $200,000 in their bank account. You may not know that the trip the Joneses went on with their whole family was actually paid for with a credit card that they will be making payments on for the next ten years. You may not know that the shiny SUV the Joneses are driving pulls a $700 payment out of their bank account every month and puts them into the red. The truth is that you don’t know what is going on behind closed doors.

The average Canadian’s debt-to-income ratio has reached a new record high. This means that on average, for every $1 a Canadian earns, they are spending $1.50. So about those Joneses you exhaustedly try to keep up with? They’re broke! Heck, they may be trying to keep up with you!

If I could, I’d bring you into my office for a moment, and let you be a fly on the wall. Once, a couple with elementary-aged kids sat across from me, and cried out about how much it sucks that they’re in debt:

“Our friends down the street are the same age as us and they make about as much money as we do. How do they manage to have a boat and go on camping trips all the time!!”

Fast forward to a few weeks later, and another young couple sits across from me. “How did we get so behind the 8 ball? We work so hard! We have friends down the street who have such a big house and they’re always so well-dressed, and they make the same kind of money we do. I mean we have a boat, but that’s our only entertainment. And we can’t even afford to put gas in it to go very far!”

Oh yeah. That happened.

Neighbours. Friends. Comparing themselves to each other. Both couples severely in debt, and no one had the slightest idea.

I know you’re supposed to leave your work at work. But if there’s one thing I take home from work with me every day, it’s that I don’t want to keep up with the Joneses. Why should I set standards for myself based on someone else’s life? I have set my own goals in life. I want to go forwards, not backwards; stay in control of my money; not define the value of my life by what I have.

Have you caught yourself  comparing your life to someone else’s? What do you think is really going on behind closed doors? You may be shocked to learn the real truth about the Joneses and realize that you’re not as poor as you may feel.