Why do women act like martyrs? “Oh, no, no, you have the last (whatever)…. I’ll be fine.” I was at lunch one day with my crew when we were served very sad looking salads. Three of us had the same salad, which was supposed to be robust because the price tag was $24. I asked the waitress to bring the manager.

When the manager arrived I said, “This salad may be a $7.99 salad, but it certainly isn’t the $24 salad you promised me.” I then listed the ingredients (like steak) that were in short supply or completely missing (avocado).

The rest of the table was very quiet. When the manager asked my dining companions if they were okay, everyone nodded. As soon as he left, some started grumbling about their meals. Really?

When was the last time you saw a man put his hand over his mouth before he laughed? When have you ever seen men concerned about sending anachronistic thank-you cards? And do men really wonder if their underwear is appropriate for the clothes they’re wearing? (Women have t-shirt bras, obsess about panty lines, and judge others on the colour of their underwear.)

I’m all for things like being punctual (both Ladies and Gentlewomen are), but I’m focused on more important things than place cards at the dinner table.  And I’m much more likely to thank you for doing me a favour in some real way (a lunch out, a home-potted plant) than by filling out a card. I don’t find it hard to say no to unreasonable requests. (Ladies often do.) And I’m not about to put up with crap (service or otherwise) just because it isn’t polite to be loud.

I was standing in a very long line in the grocery store the other day. (Hey, the express line isn’t express if it’s nine people deep!) I said in a very loud voice, “We need another check-out opened.” Two things happened. A check-out person told me to be patient, to which I responded, “I don’t have to be patient, I’m the customer, get a line open quickly please.” The second thing: as soon as the line opened, the person in front of me tried to get there first.  Really? Just seconds before she was completely happy to be eighth in line. I calmly walked in front of her and said, “If you had the balls to get the line open, you could be first.” Then I put my stuff in front of her stuff.

Some people think of me as bullish. What I’m not is a simpering wuss. I have all kinds of time for people who need my help, I share what I have and what I know willingly with family and friends, and I would sooner chop off my hand than hurt someone I love. I take responsibility for myself, and I hold others to the same standard I hold myself.

Being polite used to be the be-all and end-all for women. Don’t make too much noise, don’t be better at stuff and brag about it, don’t be adversarial.  Admonishments like, “You can win more flies with honey than with vinegar” make me retch. First, I’m not interested in flies, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Second, why are honey and vinegar the only options?

Girls aren’t the only ones dropping big bucks on beauty. Guys are getting into the swim in a big way. Hair styling, skin care and the pursuit of rock-solid abs are no longer strictly the domain of the double x chromosome crowd. Ys are jumping in with both feet.

Want to make sure your savings are suffering for your self-esteem?

DIY-dye: Head to the salon for a touch up and you’ll drop $60. DIY with a box and not only won’t you have to pay for parking you’ll spend just $10. Do that six times a year and you’ve got $300 to save.

Pedi-me: Depending where you go, you can spend from $10 to $50 touching up your toes. (Ditto your fingers.) DIY or have a mani-pedi party and swap services with your sisters by another mother, and you can save $50 a month.

Drugstore deals: Some of the most popular skin care and make-up products live at the drugstore. If you’re paying top dollar for skin care at a department store, you’re a sucker. Did you know that most of all beauty and hair products are made by two giant cosmetics companies: Estee Lauder and L’Oreal? Even the fanciest dermatologists and skincare specialists recommend basic drugstore cleansers and moisturizers to their clients.

Skip the gimmicks: vibrating mascara and spray on foundation are two examples of the lengths to which manufacturers will go to grab your attention. Don’t be a sucker.

Make it last: Do you have four or five lipsticks that are almost done. Scrape similar colours into a clean container and mix. If you add a little Vaseline, you’ll have a gloss. Using a lip brush lets you get right down to the bottom on the lipstick. And if you use disposable mascara wands, you won’t have to throw away your mascara as often because you won’t have to worry about the six-month rule for mascara safety.

Supermarket finds: Many of the healthiest ingredients for your skin can be found at the supermarket and will cost far less than if you buy a pre-made product. Mis oatmeal, oilive oil and sugar together for an in-shower facial scrub. Hit the internet for recipes so you can DIY.

Dollar store treasures: Why spend more for staples like cotton balls, makeup remover pads, hair clips and all the other basic stuff you blow through when a trip to the dollar store means you’ll save you anywhere from 50-70%?

Okay, your turn. How do you save money on those must-have beauty products that you count on to make you gurgus?

There is a pyramid scheme running rampant through my hometown at this moment (called L.I.F.E. or Living Intentionally For Excellence). Even my own husband was roped into it! His friend called him and told him he had a ‘business opportunity” he wanted him to be a part of, but that he (my husband) would need to attend a meeting to become better acquainted with what the opportunity was. My husband, in one day, went from telling his friend that he would attend the meeting but wouldn’t be able to sign up for anything without discussing with me, to joining up and telling me my opinion didn’t matter! The people involved in this pyramid scheme told him, that he would encounter negative people with closed minds that would try to talk him out of this, so when I wasn’t on board, I was labeled a negative person with a closed mind! It wasn’t until he got his credit statement that showed his credit card maxed out…..and not a penny earned (although the guy who signed him promises to be retired after one year!) that he saw this scheme for what it really was. Now, even after hearing our story, my brother is falling for it!

I can’t believe these things are still around and people are still gobbling them up hook, line and sinker. Pyramid schemes date back to Joan Rivers’ first facelift. When a company or an individual recruits investors who then have to recruit other investors, this is usually a pyramid scheme. New recruits provide the funding, or so-called returns, given to the earlier investors/recruits pushing them up the pyramid.

The only way the pyramid scheme can generate returns is to bring in more suckers to feed the bottom tier. When the scheme loses steam, the pyramid collapses. Now this scheme seems to have added the additional dimension of putting credit into the mix. What a recipe for disaster! And if that’s not bad enough, it’s divisive as well.

If you’re approached with a “great deal” and a promise of “fabulous returns” or a “sure thing”, ask these questions before you swallow the hook:

Do you have a brochure? No paper should be a big tip-off.

What exactly am I buying? If you can’t touch it, you shouldn’t buy it.

Who is in charge? That’s the person you want to talk to.

What do I get back for the money I am investing? If the return sounds unbelievable, ask more questions.

Why do I have to recruit someone else? No other investment relies on recruitment.

How is this investment taxed? If it’s not taxed, it’s not an investment.

Why do you need access to my credit card? Don’t be a dope. No one should be able to charge stuff to your credit card that comes as a surprise to you!

How long can I think about this? The sooner you have to make a decision, the more time you should take to think about it.

The old adage is, “There’s a sucker born every minute” has been incorrectly attributed to P.T. Barnum. While the attribution may be incorrect, the sentiment is dead on.

People, there’s no magic to making money, no matter how many get-rich-quick schemes you see out there or how many testimonials there are to a new way to “make money easy and fast”. Having lotsnlotsa money takes hard work and careful management. If you’re looking for an easy way, you’re a sap. It’s only a matter of time before you get taken.

I have a great life I get up at 6 a.m. and play on the computer for an hour. Then I bounce my ball, have breakfast and go to school. That part I don’t like so much. I’d much rather be home. It’s not that I hate the people at school. I’d just rather be home with my mom and dad, even though Mom makes me do lots of work.

If I wake up late and can’t get time on the computer, that’s not so good. I often don’t even want to get out of bed on those days. I hate it when things are different and not the way I like them. Like when the Internet is down and I can’t play my games. Or when the computer won’t work properly. Or when my sister, Alex, gets to the computer before I do and won’t get off.

I can get pretty angry when my playing isn’t going so well. I just want to break the computer. My mom says, “Malcolm, if you’re not having any fun on the computer, I’m going to make you get off.” So then I have to not get so upset. But I really am upset. I want to make those people who make those games go away.

I’m pretty good on the computer. I play chess and beat the program. I play on a website with lots of games and I win lots of points. I can remember all the levels and all the traps and where all the gems are. I often help my sister and our friends to get past really hard levels. I like to have time to run around and bounce my ball. I have lots of balls, and I run all over the house bouncing them. My favourite is my orange ball because orange is my favourite colour. My room is orange and I have orange sheets and my mom bought orange cauliflower once, but I don’t like cauliflower even when it’s orange.

I don’t like it when my balls get soft and won’t bounce so my dad bought me a pump so we can pump up my balls at home now. And I don’t like it when my sister takes my balls away. My mom has told Alex not to touch them and if she does I go and tell my mom and she tells Alex, “I thought I told you not to play with your brother’s balls,” and then Alex really laughs and Mom laughs and I laugh. I’m not sure why Mom and Alex laugh so hard, but I like the sound of it so I laugh too.

Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. I sometimes have green ham with toast. I like it because one of my favourite books is “Green Eggs and Ham.” I sometimes have pancakes; sometimes Mom makes them purple for me. I like bacon a lot and I like scrambled eggs. I love plums and peaches and oranges and apples and cantaloupe, but I don’t like bananas. I like long, skinny beans, but not the fat ones. I like fried rice and white rice. I didn’t eat potatoes for a long time and then my mom did them brown and small and spicy and I like them that way.

I love music. My mom makes me go to piano lessons. I’ve tried to quit a few times but she won’t let me. She says I’m good and if I’m bored I just have to find different music to play. So she started downloading Green Day for me and that’s more fun to play.

I have an electric guitar, which I bought for myself. I saved up for a long time and then we waited for the guitar to go on sale and then I bought it. My dad and mom gave me a set of drums for Christmas and I love the drums. And my dad and mom gave me an acoustic guitar for my birthday.

My favourite musicians are Billie-Joe and Tre and Mike from Green Day, and David Gilmour  (he used to be in Pink Floyd) and Sum 41 and I like the Chili’s song “Californication.” I used to really like the Goo Goo Dolls and Brian Adams.

My mom and dad are making me take guitar lessons. I didn’t want to go. I said I wouldn’t. But my mom said I had to at least go once. Then she made a deal with me. She said that if my new guitar teacher couldn’t play Green Day, I wouldn’t have to stay. So I went. And Ms. Stephanie Bird was okay. And then she played “Time of your Life” and my mom said, “So how about it?” I’d made a deal so I told her it was all right and I’d keep going.

My husband and I have been discussing how to go about making this work best for us and our future children. I am employed as a registered nurse and my husband is a teacher. Our gross income this last year was $110,000 dollars.

We have been very lucky as we currently have no debt, and are living in a condo rent free that my parents had purchased as an investment to rent out to future renters.

We have been thinking about the type of home we can afford to buy using my father’s gift. What kind of advice can you offer us in order to make the most of this opportunity? We are looking for a smart, long term plan as we are both 25 yrs old and have many things to save for.

We are interested in hearing what your thoughts are.

Gail Says: I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and hope you are in a good place now that some time has passed. You clearly make a good income, so my first warning is to not let lifestyle inflation blow your good sense up. To buy a home that works for you, keep in mind that you want something that meets all your needs, and some of you wants, but doesn’t eat up your whole inheritance. Keep in mind that by putting your inheritance into your matrimonial home, you husband will be entitled to split it should your relationship flounder. That being said, I imagine you’re both very excited about getting into a home of your own.

First, figure out what you think you can manage by way of monthly expenses for a home: property taxes, insurance, maintenance (don’t skimp), utilities. This should not be more than 35% of your net income, though with no mortgage I hardly imagine it would be even close to that. Add all the rest of your expenses. Stick 1 year’s worth of those expenses in a high interest (I know rates are low, but you want to keep it liquid) savings account for emergencies. That’s your emergency fund.

Now decide what you want to do with the rest of the money. How much house do you want to buy? Do you want to set aside a fund that will allow you to travel? Are you planning to have children? If so, why not set aside some money now for your mat leaves so you don’t end up having to scrimp when you’re off with babies? Then look at houses.

Hope that helps. Let me know how it all turns out.

D Wrote: My children, aged 11 and 9, have started asking me about whether we have a lot of debt, whether we have a mortgage (we do) and how much our house cost. I was concerned that they were worried about it, so I explained that we managed our money so that we could always make our payments. I then explained the concept of a mortgage. I think I missed a real chance to do a better job of talking to them about money. What do you suggest on talking to kids who raise these kinds of questions?

Gail Says: I don’t think you missed the chance at all. You reassured them, told them about how you prioritize your responsibilities and then gave them new info (on the mortgage) to walk away with. I think you did a great job. You’re not done. Clearly your kids are interested and smart enough to ask good questions. I suggest you keep talking about how you manage your money and what they can expect from life as they grow up.

S Wrote: My family situation is a little unusual and I need some advice on where to focus my financial attention. I am a 45-yr old woman with a PhD and a great public sector job with a good pension, my husband is 70 and retired with a good pension and we have a 9 year old daughter. We have two mortgages (house and cottage) that total $260,000 (paying it down at accelerated rate), we have maxed our TFSAs, contribute $2500/yr to RESP and I have no unused room in my RRSP (investments doing moderately well). No other debts. Question: Should we focus on paying down our mortgages while we have two incomes coming in or should we be adding to our savings? I am confident I am always going to have a well-paying job, even when I am on my own. By the way, we really enjoy our life and don’t feel financially stressed at all. We just want to make some smart decisions. Thanks!

Gail Says: M first question is this: Does your husband have sufficient life insurance so that when he dies the mortgages will be paid off? If not, then you need to get at least one of those puppies gone. If he does, then you should be focusing on building up your long-term savings, since the insurance will take care of the mortgages should you become a one-income family.  BTW, congrats on having your game together.

M Wrote: I have been addicted to your shows and respect you tremendously. You offer easy-to-understand advice to the average person regarding financial matters. I am a literacy worker and have used your recent book from the Good Reads collection to educate adults on basic financial literacy. I hope you can answer my question.

My parents are what you might call, ‘penny wise, pound foolish’ people. All their life, they have worked hard for their money, budgeted well and saved enough so we wouldn’t live paycheque to paycheque. They earn below average earnings and live within its means. No lavish spending or fancy trips.

Three years ago, my dad’s friend at work told him about an investment broker who was promoting a leverage ‘scheme’ which would guarantee my parents a payout or dividend, bringing in extra income allowing my parents more financial freedom. Of course, we didn’t have the money to invest so the broker ‘encouraged’ my dad to borrow $100k to invest into the leverage scheme. My parents were assured that borrowing money would not affect their credit and that the stock prices would only fluctuate somewhat but not drop tremendously. Someone like my dad, who didn’t know much about investments or stocks, clearly fell for it, especially since his so called friend at work also signed up for this type of investment. Not a wise move.

Right after the market crash of 2008/2009, we discovered that the independent broker who approved my parents’ applications had fled to Pakistan. He had been charged for fraud, and that he approved several hundred leverage applications based on fraudulent numbers and inauthentic tax return slips and income statements. Based on my parent’s below average income, they would have never qualified for this investment in the first place.

So my parents have been paying a major interest payment (they each have a leverage account) from their pockets every month for the last two years which is putting them in a hole. The stock portfolio has dropped to a 2 star rating for a 3 star rating and the stock is 50% down.

They will be retiring in 5 yrs. Should they sell the stocks and cut some major losses now before it’s too late or ride out the market for another 4 yrs (it’s a 7 yr term), hoping to see an increase in value of our portfolio?

Gail Says: I’m very sorry that your parents have been through this. They can either sell the investments and take the loss, using the proceeds to pay off as much of the loan as they can, and then pay the rest from cash flow, or keep paying the interest on the loan and hope the portfolio recovers. At this point they should probably have a professional look at what they’re holding to see if there is hope. I can’t tell from where I’m sitting. This is a perfect example of leverage going bad, and I’m sorry it has happened to your folks.

C Wrote: You have been a tremendous influence on our household. My wife and I married 4 years ago and assembled a combined debt of +$40,000. After spinning our wheels the first year of our married lives, and not having much money to spend or save we came across your show one night while flipping through the channels. It was life altering. Within 2 years of watching our first ‘Til Debt Do Us Part’ show, we are now debt free, have a wonderful baby and have managed to save enough for a down payment on a new home which we will be moving into at the start of 2012.  That’s our story and here is our question:  We are debt free now, but do live in a tremendously expensive city – Vancouver.  Our new home is almost completed and we are now looking ahead to the future. This means creating 2, 5 and 10 year financial goals, but we are a little stuck on how to successfully set goals for the future. Our plans include a new vehicle, a 2nd child, possibly a larger home, and of course retirement. Do you have any recommendations on how to set up realistic and therefore successful 2, 5, and 10 financial savings goals?

Gail Says: As far as the timelines go, it is only relevant that you have those dates … very specific, not 2-year goals, but by June 2013… As for how to set goals, I have an entire process outlined in Debt-Free Forever, beginning with figuring out what’s really, really important to you.  In short-form here:

Your goals should be so obviously clear that any Tom, Dick or Harriette could look at what you’re trying to achieve and be able to measure your success. After all, if you don’t know exactly where it is you’re going, how will you know when you get there? To be a SMART goal, it has to be:

Specific – You are much more likely to accomplish a specific goal than a general goal. A general goal would be, “Pay off my debt.” A specific goal would be, “I want to be debt free so I will pay off my debt, repaying my most expensive debt first, and having all my consumer debt paid off in three years or less.”

Measurable – Establishing concrete criteria for measuring your progress will help you to stay on track, reach your target dates, and experience the exhilaration of achievement that spurs you on to continued effort required to reach your goal. To determine if your goal is measurable, ask: How will I know when it is accomplished?

Attainable – If the goal is too big, frustration will get in the way.  Planning to have a million dollars in savings when you make $10 an hour may be unattainable?

Realistic – You must be both willing and able to achieve the goal. You are the only one who can decide just how high your goal should be. Your goal is probably realistic if you truly believe that it can be accomplished.

Timely – A goal must be grounded within a time frame. With no time frame, there’s no sense of urgency. If you want to save $1,000 for an emergency, when do you want to lose it by? “Someday” won’t work. But if you anchor it within a timeframe, “by August 1st”, then you’ve set parameters within which you’re working.

West Indians love sweet potatoes. There are actually a few varieties, and sometimes they are referred to as “yams”, but they aren’t. Yams are very starchy but not sweet, while sweet potatoes are smoother in texture.

Sweet potatoes are full of vitamin A and a good source of vitamin C, manganese, B6, iron, potassium and dietary fibre. Beta-carotene, which gives sweet potatoes their orange colour, only begins to tell the story of the antioxidants available. Those carotenoids help stabilize blood sugar levels and lower insulin resistance. Beta-carotene acts like Pac-Man, gobbling up free radicals that cause the DNA mutations that can lead to wrinkles. And sweet potatoes have genes that are specialized for the production of anthocyanin pigments in the fleshy part of the tuber. Ordinary, we have to rely on the skins of foods for this same level of anthocyanin antioxidants.

Sweet potatoes are incredibly versatile. Try them roasted, puréed, steamed, baked, or grilled. Add ‘em to soups and stews, or grill and place on top of leafy greens for a delicious salad. Or try my Sweet-potato stuffed Cannelloni.

Gail’s Sweet-Potato-Stuffed Cannelloni

• 4 medium sized sweet potatoes
• 2 bunches of green onion chopped not too finely
• 1.5 cups of grated Parmesan (I use Parmigiano-Reggiano) cheese
• 1/2 large bar of cream cheese
• 1 box oven-ready cannelloni
• 4-5 cups of tomato sauce (I use home-made) or meat sauce (for non-veggies)
• 2 cups of grated mozzarella cheese

Roast the sweet potatoes at 350 degrees until cooked. Skins should slip off easily. Discard skins and mash.

Add the copped green onions, the cream cheese and the Parmesan cheese.

Mix the sweet potato thoroughly and then stuff into the cannelloni.

Put sauce on the bottom of a baking dish, and lay the first layer of cannelloni. Add more sauce and sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. Add another layer of cannelloni and repeat with sauce and cheese.

Mother’s Day as been around since ancient Rome when moms got gifts on Matronalia, a celebration dedicated to Juno, mother of Mars and Vulcan and wife to Jupiter. What’s made Mother’s Day into the shopping institution it is today is a smart marketing campaign by a greeting card company and some creative retailers.

I’ve already put in my bid for what I want for Mother’s Day. My daughter has a lovely voice and I’ve asked for a CD of her singing. I asked for the same thing last year, but didn’t get it, so I’m able to anticipate it again this year. (See how I can put a positive spin on things?) And my son… well, I just want him to cuddle up with me on the couch.

Ultimately, buying something – a card and a box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers, a sumthin’-or ’nother, is sometimes easier than taking the time to figure out what your mom would truly love. Maybe it’s a home-cooked meal she won’t have to cook for herself. Or it could be a spring clean-up of the garden. Maybe an offer of a foot or back rub with a nice cup of tea and a couple of hours chat and laughter.

Instead of being with the people we love, taking time to show them how much we do appreciate them, we substitute something we can buy as a token of our love. Often the something is the same something everyone else uses – the standard gifts. Moms everywhere smile and say, “Thank you honey, isn’t that sweet? Look Dad, isn’t that so sweet?” or “You didn’t have to do that.” And they’re right. You didn’t.

We sometimes spend money to avoid giving the only thing our Moms really want from us: time. It doesn’t matter if your Mom lives around the corner and you see her every second day, or across the world and you only see her once in a blue moon, if you find a way to give her some of your time, it’ll mean more to her than all the calories in that box of chocolate.

You’re a good kid. You love your Mommy. So now all you have to do is figure out something that will truly make her happy and demonstrate just how much you think of her. Hey, you don’t have to spend a penny to do that.

And if you just can’t stand being anywhere near your mother, welcome to the reality that you can pick your friends, but…

So I was clicking around online recently for savings accounts’ rates. There’s a site called RateSupermarket.ca that purports to be a one-stop shop for things like mortgage, credit card, savings and insurance rates. I clicked on savings, put in my province and asked for the rate comparison.

The first thing I noticed was that ING Direct didn’t show up on their list. Strange, I thought. ING has always offered better rates than traditional banks. I wonder why they aren’t here.

The day I went online (April 26, 2012), the highest paying account was being offered by FirstOntario Credit Union. Their high interest eSavings account was offering 2%. That’s better than everyone else out there, beating Ally who sat at 1.8% and my own ING account at 1.35%. So I clicked on through.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived at FirstOntario Credit Union’s site to find that their high interest eSavings account was paying only 1.85%. Seems the rate quoted at RateSupermarket wasn’t the right rate. If I’d let myself get all hot and bothered over the higher interest rate I would have been disappointed.

All this is to say that if you want to be sure you’re getting a good deal, you can’t rely on anyone else to do the legwork for you. You must be prepared to put some time and effort into doing the research so that when you make your decision, it is an informed one.

Enough already with being lazeeee. You work hard for your money, dragging your sorry butt out of bed when the weather is crappy or when you feel like a piece of dirt. If it’s worth that much effort to make it, shouldn’t you put a little bit of effort into managing it?  Quit trying to find a short-cut and do the damn legwork.

———-

Zsanett in Winnipeg wants to know if there are any “financially awoken followers, here in Winnipeg and area who would be interested in getting together and discuss and share their stories.” If you’re interested send an email to getgvo@gmail.com with Zsanette in the subject line and I’ll forward on to her.

Once I discovered the holes in Malcolm’s language I set to work. For the category word problem, I cut out hundreds and hundreds of little pictures and played the game of putting them into categories. Boats, cars, planes helicopters, skidoos, bicycles, tricycles, and everything else I could find a picture of fell under “transportation.” Horses, dogs, cats, birds, cows, chickens, fish, lizards and every other animal I could find fell under “animals.” Once we had them as animals, I sub-divided them into new categories like farm animals, wild animals and pets.

For the pronoun problem I got lucky. One of Malcolm’s favourite books was “Green Eggs and Ham.” We not only read the book, I bought him a video of the book and a cassette rendition. When he listened to the actors playing the two parts change from I to Me to You, he got it. For the He/She problem, there was a book by the Berensteins called “The He She Book.” We read it a couple of thousand times and combined that with constant correction; I’d use an appalled voice and vivid expression and say, “Malcolm, is Tanya a boy or a girl?” He’d say “girl,” and I’d say, “So why are you calling her ‘he?’” We’d laugh together and eventually he got it.

While it sounds as if I was very matter-of-fact about solving Malcolm’s communication problems, it didn’t come easily. When the language pathologist, Nolene, told me that Malcolm’s language was so significantly delayed, I just about swallowed my tongue. How could that be? We were an extremely verbal household. We read books. We talked constantly. What was I doing wrong? While it’s natural to look to see what you’ve been doing wrong, you aren’t the one to blame. But you are the one to fix the problems. And it seems I was fixing problems even before I knew I had them.

One of the things both Nolene and Mary (the development psychologist) remarked on when they diagnosed Malcolm was that he was remarkably well adjusted for a child with his level of disability. He should have been throwing tantrums. He should have been angry. But he wasn’t. He was a happy, if sometimes afraid, little boy who loved his mommy to bits (“two bits”, in our house). And after watching us interact for quite some time (the testing took four days) they knew why.  I had adjusted to Malcolm in a variety of ways that made him think he was just fine. I’d eliminated most pronouns when I spoke to him. It was, “Malcolm, go and get Malcolm’s shoes and bring them to Mommy.” I’d somehow figured out that it wasn’t stupidity that had him answer, “I don’t know” to virtually all of my direct questions and started using the “wrong answer” tactic to get him to correct me with the right answer. While that kept Malcolm’s ego in tact, I wasn’t really helping to solve the problem. Once I knew what the problems were, I set about solving them with the fierce attention of an Aspie (which is how some people with AS refer to themselves).

One of the best things I did as a mother of an Asperger’s child was read everything I could get my hands on. When I read Temple Grandin’s book, “Animals in Translation,” I was blown away. Here was a woman with Asperger’s Syndrome who was not only successful (giving me great hope for Malcolm) but also remarkably articulate about her Asperger’s. She described her thought process as “thinking in pictures.” For her to recall or learn a concept like “power,” she would have to visualize a “power line.” She wanted everyone to know that people with autism aren’t broken and don’t have to be fixed. They simply think and learn differently. And echolalia is a symptom of the way the brain of a person with Asperger’s operates.

There’s a lot about an Asperger’s brain that bodes well for Malcolm’s success in the future. He has an excellent rote memory for both visual and auditory information. He’s fabulous at tasks demanding visual-spatial judgment and visual-spatial pattern recognition. He’s a math whiz and is gifted musically. And he has a warm and loving heart. Contrary to what is often said about autistic children being distant and emotionally disconnected, I haven’t found that with my son. He does make strange with people he doesn’t know. But the people he loves, he loves big. And he couldn’t be more affectionate. I’m very proud of him, of how hard he works, and of how thoughtful he is.

Perhaps the single biggest challenge parents of an Asperger’s child face is the need to balance helping them become adept at dealing with the world with accepting who they are as individuals. That means figuring out what’s “Malcolm” versus what’s “Asperger’s” when it comes to measuring his reactions or dealing with his idiosyncrasies. I’m always surprised when I read a book or article and discover that Malcolm’s love of trains or reaction to squishy food is typical of an Asperger’s child. So that’s the Asperger’s, I say to myself. Hmmm. So where does the Asperger’s end and Malcolm begin? It’s a puzzle I’m always working at. It’s a good thing I like puzzles.

This was one of the issues both Nolene and Mary had when it came to giving me a diagnosis for Malcolm. Mary suggested we steer clear of labeling him and just think of him as a unique child. I had no problem with thinking of him as unique – our house is filled with unique people. In our house, “weird” is a compliment and “normal” is an insult. I don’t quite know how it got to be that way other than the fact that all of us – my (now) ex-husband, my step-son and step-daughter, my daughter, Malcolm, and me – we’re all weird. We have oddities and absurdities that we each tolerate in the other simply because we know just how weird we are.

I was determined to get a diagnosis for Malcolm, mostly because I sensed that it would give me the ammunition I would later need to have his very unique needs accommodated through school. And I was dead right. The diagnosis, rather than something to be afraid of (as many parents think) has been the key to opening doors from which Malcolm has greatly benefited.

As a mom working with a child whose needs are not typical (Is there such a thing as a typical child?) I strive to do enough to make Malcolm comfortable in the world without remaking who he is. Yes, he is different. But then so is just about every interesting person I’ve ever met.

I don’t want to make Malcolm conform. I don’t want to make him fit in. I want to help him find his own place so that he doesn’t always feel he is an outsider. And I want him to feel great about who he is. So I work hard at it.

I listen to his umpteen stories about chess moves with enthusiasm and I ask questions to show I’m interested. I tell him how smart he is, without being soppy about it. Most of all, I tell the truth: yes, you have difficulty with language, but look how smart you are at math and music. (Asperger’s kids hate lies and if they catch you in one they will hold it against you for a long time – maybe forever.)

Being truthful sometimes means I have to say things that could hurt his feelings – delicate as they are. So I work hard at framing what I say in a way that minimizes his pain and maximizes the results I’m trying to achieve.

When I couldn’t get Malcolm to brush his hair every day – he just wouldn’t do it because he was used to me doing it for him and I’d stopped – I said, “You know, Malcolm, ten year old boys brush their own hair and it’s time for you to learn how.” I wasn’t trying to diminish him, just point out a fact of life. When he retorted with, “I can’t do that, I have Asperger’s Syndrome,” you could have bowled me over with a feather. It was the last thing I expected him to say,

Now what?

“Well, buddy,” I said, “Asperger’s Syndrome may explain your difficulty with language or the fact that you don’t cope very well with change, but it doesn’t have much to do with you not brushing your hair. Here’s the hairbrush, brush it!”

Since this was the first time Malcolm had even acknowledged his Asperger’s, I was of two minds. On the one hand I was thinking, “That little bugger!” On the other I was rejoicing because he was opening the door for us to have further conversations about Asperger’s, how he was dealing with it, how he felt about it and how we would proceed as he grew older.

There are ways to have fun without it costing an arm and a leg. Why not invite friends over for a clean-out-the-fridge party. Everyone brings their leftovers and you act like it’s a Chinese food fiesta, nibbling on bits of this and that as you gab about the week and catch up on the gossip.

If you’re towing kids, consider hosting a game night. You can make bucketsful of popcorn for very little money. Add some homemade iced tea, and you can play Monopoly, Scrabble or Charades all night. Each family can bring its favourite game, you can drop the game names into a hat and pick randomly to see what you’ll be doing first.

Want to wear those kids out before bed so the ‘rents can watch a movie and sip some wine? Get ‘em outside. A game of flashlight tag, gathering leaves for a spring tree paste-up, or blowing bubbles and feeding the ducks are great ways to fill their lungs with fresh air and wear ‘em out. Suggest impromptu races with rewards (like gummie worms) for all the runners when they hit the finish line.

If you’re leading the single life, start a tradition. Invite a bunch of friends over for competitive Scrabble or poker night. Each person brings a libation and nibbly to share with the group. See how easy?

Challenge yourself to be more mindful of your money on weekends. Think twice before blowing your budget on those days when watching your wallet isn’t necessarily top of mind. You can have fun on the cheap and head into the week cheerful because you stayed on track and still have money left in your entertainment jar.

——–

Zsanett in Winnipeg wants to know if there are any “financially awoken followers, here in Winnipeg and area who would be interested in getting together and discuss and share their stories.” If you’re interested send an email to getgvo@gmail.com with Zsanette in the subject line and I’ll forward on to her.

So what makes a good parent? The November/December 2010 Scientific American Mind did an article on the subject. They ranked the following 10 “competencies” as crucial to children’s happiness, health and success:

• Love and affection
• Stress management
• Relationship skills
• Autonomy and independence
• Education and learning
• Life skills
• Behaviour management
• Health
• Religion
• Safety

You’re probably not surprised to see “love and affection” on the list, but did you expect it to be at the top? And did you think that your ability to reduce stress for YOURSELF and your children would come in at second place? So all you frantic parents running around trying to get it all done and fraying at the edges in the effort need to slow down and take a breath.

Maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner and modeling effective relationship skills with other people is high up on the list. I wonder how many parents realize just how much their children are learning from what they do with their friends, what they say about their co-workers, how they interact with service-givers, and the like. Your children are learning from you. Do you know what you’re teaching them?

One of the competencies I scored particularly high on was the autonomy and independence. I’ve always treated both my children with respect and encouraged them to be self-sufficient and self-reliant. I didn’t make their decisions for them, but helped them to see what the consequences might be of the decisions they were considering. Even when it came to going to school, my standard response to “I’m sick” was, “I have no way of telling how sick you are. You’re the only person that can decide if you’re not well enough to go to school? So, is this one of those days?” I never had an absentee problem with either of the kids. Sometimes my next question, “Anything really important happening at school today?” helped them to see more clearly what their next action would be: up and at ’em or back-to-bed!

Do you promote and model a love of learning? Do you provide for your children, have a steady income and plan for the future? Do you positively reinforce what they do well, and allow natural consequences to teach lessons, or do you punish and guilt your child in the hope of securing compliance?

No one is really surprised to see the last three competencies on the list, though I would argue that “spirituality” may be more important that “religion” except for the social interaction aspect.

Maybe the most surprising things that came out of the article were the things that weren’t so important: women are only a smidgeon better than men at parenting. And older parents, or those with more kids, didn’t score higher than younger and sole-children parents. And gay and straight parents were almost equally good at the job, with gay parents nosing by.

You can LEARN to be a good parent (or a better parent). Reading, taking parenting classes, learning more about how to be good at the toughest job you’ll ever do is worth every minute spent.

There are ways to significantly reduce the amount of interest it costs and the time it takes to get to mortgage-free.

1. Choose an accelerated payment frequency. Most mortgages come with a vanilla-flavoured monthly payment. If you want to speed things along, choose the caramel-almond version: an accelerated weekly payment. Since you end up making an extra payment directly against your mortgage each year, you’ll save $70,003.63 in interest. That’s gotta be worth the extra thirty bucks or so you’ll have to come up with each week, dontcha think?

2. Shorten your amortization. The shorter your amortization, the more you have to come up with for each payment, but the less you’ll pay in interest overall. If you shorten a 35-year amortization to 30 years, you’ll save $55,430.90 in interest. Go with a 25-year amortization and save $108,345.42. Can’t swing the higher monthly payments every month? Then…

3. Make a principal prepayment against your mortgage. Most mortgages come with the flexibility to make an annual prepayment each year. It usually runs somewhere between 10 and 20% of the original mortgage amount. So on a $300,000 mortgage you could make somewhere between $30,000 and $60,000 principal pre-payment, assuming you could come up with the money. Hey, that’s what you can use a least a part of that bonus you’re getting for! But you don’t have to come up with a huge amount for the principal prepayment to work for you.  You know that RRSP contribution you made that resulted in the $3,200 tax refund. Slap that sucker against your mortgage each year and you’ll save $112,348.58 in interest on that 35-year mortgage.

The Financial Consumer Agency of Canada has a terrific mortgage calculator tool that you can use to run your own scenarios to see just how much you can save on your mortgage. Spend a few minutes playing with the numbers. It might help you focus on a goal that will see your mortgage paid off up to ten years sooner! Invest a little time now and save a lot of time making mortgage payments, and scads of money too.

So how about instead of focusing on numbers you focus on choices you must make instead. Let’s say, for example, you’re heading off to buy a new coat. You’ve got a budget of $80, but when you walk into that fancy schmancy store you love to “just browse” in you fall in love.

The coat is on sale. It looks fabulous on you. It’s $320. That’s four times what you planned to spend, three times more than you have. So you rationalize. Hey, that’s just an extra $240… what’s $240… not all that much, right? You can find $240 to have this fabulous coat that you can wear for the next ten years. Hey, that’s just $24 a year… so worth it!

Stop.

Don’t look at the numbers in terms of numbers because being the delusional fool that you are, you can talk yourself into anything. Instead look at the choice you’re going to have to make between two sumthin’ sumthin’s that you want.

On the left side of the scale is the $240 extra for the coat. On the right side of the scale is the ________________________________ (what’s your pleasure?) Fill in the blank with lunches out, daily designer coffee, drinks with friends, the concert tickets you were planning to buy.

You have a finite amount of money so you have to make a choice.

Will you give up coffee on the way to work for 48 days? Is that gorgeous coat worth it to you to make your own cuppa at home and avert your eyes as you walk past the coffee house?

Will you pack your lunch every day next month so you have the money for the coat? Will you forgo the baseball game, the theatre tickets, seeing your favorite band with your old roommates from university? What will you give up in real tangible terms to have that coat?

Believe it or not, money really isn’t about numbers, it’s about choices. Do you know what you’re willing to give up in order to get what you THINK you want?

When I found out Malcolm had Asperger’s Syndrome, I just about flipped a kidney. Man, was I scared. I wondered what I could possibly have done to make this happen. They used to call it a “disease,” but now it’s thought of more as a different way of thinking. A lot has happened in the world since Malcolm was diagnosed. Perhaps, most importantly, my whole family has learned that having Asperger’s isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s just different.

Asperger’s Syndrome (sometimes called AS) is referred to as a form of high-functioning autism. People with Asperger’s typically have normal or above average intellectual capacity along with poorly developed social skills. It’s thought that their emotional and social development or integration happens later than usual.

One of the big clues that Malcolm was different was the fact that he didn’t talk. He was almost four years old and barely said a word. He was in pre-school, so he had lots of opportunity to talk. And he was writing – the names of books, the names of videos he liked to watch, the names of every station on the subway line spelled perfectly and written in the colour in which it appeared on the wall, and the entire “warning” that shows up at the beginning of a video. So clearly he was smart. He was just quiet. Or so my husband and I wanted to believe.

My daughter talked early. At three years old she was pedantically explaining how to properly pronounce “pachysephalasaurus” to her aunt.  So when my son didn’t start talking, I had no benchmark for “normal.” He was clearly bright; he was just slower to speak. Wasn’t that pretty typical for boys? He had a remarkable memory – he could quote whole paragraphs from his “Thomas the Tank Engine” videos or from books we had read to him. In fact, he used those quotes to tell us what he wanted. When we asked if he was tired he’d say, “I’m tired of pulling coaches, I want to see the world.” He had a quote for every occasion. I remember laughing with my husband and saying that if we were reading him Shakespeare and that’s whom he was quoting, everyone would think he was a genius.

Now, knowing what I do about Asperger’s, I know that quoting other sources – referred to in the world of development psychology as “echolalia” – is a common trait of Asperger’s Syndrome. Echolalia is a normal way to learn language and most children use it. Toddlers babble in a rhythmic way, mimicking the cadence of language. Later children copy sounds, words and eventually phrases and sentences they hear adults use in specific contexts. The question, “How are you?” is usually followed by something similar to, “I’m fine thank you, how are you?” With Malcolm, “How are you?” was always followed by “How are you?” which was then followed by two repetitions of “I’m fine, thank you.”

When children first learn new phrases, they learn them using a “gestalt” – or whole – style of language acquisition; they learn language in chunks rather than the tiny component sounds and specific meaning of each individual sound or word. Eventually most children graduate to an analytic form of learning language, analyzing the way language is used in other contexts and understand the individual words and sounds.

The point at which children move from gestalt to analytic learning or from echolalia to spontaneous language is often marked by unique new words or interpretations. Most children invent words or phrases by adapting what they already know to encompass something they don’t know the word for. They generalize grammar, for example. Instead of saying “I went,” they say “I goed,” generalizing the “ed” for past tense. And since there is no word for the space behind your knee, but the space under your arm is an armpit, a “kneepit” is born.

In Malcolm’s case, the move from gestalt to analytic language came really slowly. While most kids start the move at about 30 months, for Malcolm the move came after age 6. And it only came after I became aware of what was happening to him and started actively teaching him language. He appeared stuck. He could only repeat what he’d heard before. He wasn’t acquiring any new language on his own. And when he did repeat, sometimes he had no idea what he was saying. He’d simply latched on to one of the words he’d heard and then chosen some phrase containing that word to repeat. When he asked him if he was hungry, he’d recognize the word “hungry” and quote Stellaluna, assuring us that he had no intention of eating worms again. When I wasn’t crying, I found the things that would come out of his mouth pretty funny.

Malcolm’s phenomenal memory meant I wasn’t always aware that he was repeating since he could keep much more in memory than I could. Once I realized what was happening, I had to start mixing things up a bit. I couldn’t continue giving him pat phrases that he could use since that wasn’t really teaching him anything. I had to start changing things around, giving him new words along with the old ones, and showing him that language was creative, dynamic, evolving. I had to drill him in vocabulary and then incorporate as many new words as I could into our everyday language. It was a constant push to get his vocabulary up to speed.

People with Asperger’s often speak in a pedantic way, using formal and very structured language. It’s one of the reasons peers have so much difficulty relating to these children, and it’s one of the reasons they earn nicknames like “Professor.” They also have a tendency to interpret language literally. I remember coming back from Winnipeg after working on a pilot for Til Debt Do Us Part. I was explaining to our piano teacher where I had been and I said, “I shot a pilot.” Malcolm was horrified. “You show a pilot!” he shouted. I had to explain the multiple meanings of both “shot,” and “pilot.” That summer we spent many hours learning idioms. And we giggled quite a lot while we were learning them because Malcolm has quite a sense of humour and found the pictures created by these phrases very amusing.

Malcolm has come a long way when it comes to his language development. When he was diagnosed at 4 years old, he had the vocabulary of an 18 month old. He had virtually no pronouns and no category words. When you asked Malcolm, “What colour is the crayon?” he would respond with “I don’t know.” But if you said of a blue crayon, “The crayon is orange,” he would object and say, “Is not orange, is blue.” He knew all his colours – even chartreuse and magenta – but didn’t know what you wanted when you used the word “colour.”

Ditto pronouns. He couldn’t keep up with the changing places of I and You, of I and Me, of Us and We. It was baffling. Were you Me or were you I? And when it came to He and She, they were interchangeable, with a default to He. So while he could have been diagnosed with gender confusion – not being able to tell boys and girls apart – it was actually pronoun confusion.

———-

I’ll post part 2 of this next Friday. If you want me to keep going after that, say so now. If I don’t get at least 100 YES comments, I’ll assume that this isn’t interesting to enough readers and I’ll stop posting these. If I do, then I’ll continue for another month and then check back in again.

Doing well personally, while doing good environmentally is a little like having your cake and eating it, dontcha think? So here are some more ideas you can share with your workmates, friends and family for ways to become a Green Queen while you save some serious bucks too. Hey, why not challenge a friend or co-worker to see how much you can actually save by implementing one or more of these strategies. May the best man win!

1. Are you still using disposable batteries? Do you know what those things do to the environment when you throw them out?  Learn all about rechargables, the best ones to buy and how to save money at greenbatteries.com.

2. When was the last time you checked the seal on your home? Did you know that you could be overspending by up to $350 dollars a year just because your home is leaking? Hold a candle near windows, doors, electrical outlets, range hoods, plumbing and ceiling fixtures. If the smoke blows, you’ve got a draft that may need caulking, sealant, weather stripping, or insulation.

3. How much air are you riding on? One of the easiest ways to save money is to put some air in your tires. Pumping up your tires can improve your mileage by 3 percent. That’s like getting a reduction of 3¢ a litre on a buck-a-litre fill-up. Hey, when was the last time you saw $1/litre gas?

4. Don’t know where to shop for the best ethical deals and save money? Try signing up with ethicaldeal.com out of Vancouver, B.C. It’s like a Green Groupon which sends you daily deals from local green companies.