You might want to try this at home too. If there is something that you think you can’t live without, pile a mess of it into a knapsack and carry it around with you for about a week. Doesn’t all that stuff get heavy? Better yet, if you have debt, carry a representational amount of it around. So if you owe $30,000, make 1 pound of weight equal $1,000 and carry around 30 pounds of your stuff (or weights). Will you get the message fast.

Our obsession with stuff is unhealthy. If you are shopping to make yourself feel better, to fill a void, or to prove to other people that you’ve made it, you’re shopping for all the wrong reasons. And if every time you see something new, something shinier, you HAVE to have it, you’ve really got it bad. Stuff does nothing to fill our lives with meaning. But it can lead to Debt Hell. If you’re obsessed with needing bigger houses so have the space you need to hold all your stuff, you’re playing a dangerous game.

Shopping to stave off the Screaming Blue Miseries means you’re not dealing with what’s making you unhappy. And doing it on credit is only going to add to your pile of woe. Buying beautifully things for other people to show how much you loooove them is not really saying “love” as much as telling them would, or doing something for them that would truly bring them joy. Simple things like cooking them dinner on a night when they’re at their busiest, or heading over and cutting their lawn and weeding their garden on a weekend when they’re away. Or offering the take the kids overnight so they can have a romantic evening to themselves. There are so many ways to show people you love them that shopping is really the easy way out. And if you’re doing it on credit, you’re not even using your money!

Some people think they have to drop a wad just to have some friends: if they aren’t clubbing or eating out in a restaurant, it can’t be as much fun. Really? In my parents’ day, the basket-party was the thing. Everyone would get all dressed up (no fancy, just fun) fill a basket with their contribution to the eats, and bring along some great music. And they’d have a heap of fun. How did that get replaced with limos and bottle service for a way to hang with friends?

People also get remarkably attached to their stuff. You can take away their right to choose and they’ll let you. You can take away their ability to shop, and they’ll let you. But try to separate them from their stuff and they’ll panic. I’ve seen it over and over. It’s like the stuff has some sort of stranglehold on their psyches.

As you move away from your addiction to stuff you may find yourself reluctant to give something up, even if you don’t really use it. Ask yourself why. What’s holding you back from getting rid of this particular possession? Does the item have an emotional connection?

While we were on vacation last March, I lost a ring that I’d recently bought while swimming in the Caribbean. “Oh” I gasped when I realized it. “I’ve lost my ring.”

“Were you attached to it yet?” asked Alex.

“No” I said.

“Good” said she.

We tend to get emotionally attached to our stuff.  Sometimes we say we “love” our stuff. Really? Love? Sometimes it is because we have lovely memories attached to that stuff. But memories are of the mind; they’re not physical. So why marry the stuff?

Life, not stuff, is what matters. Think about things that you’ve lost, that have been stolen or that have broken. At first you thought you couldn’t live without them. But you got over it. That connection was all in your head. But your life… well, know, that’s a series of moments that is streaming through your consciousness and how you use those moments can create joy, serenity, contentment. Or you can use them to put yourself in an ugly place by measuring them in stuff.

You know the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” When you sit back and look over your life right now, what do you think about? I’ll bet dogs to donuts that it’s not the stuff. It’s the people and the places, the experiences, the joys and the sorrows, the feelings. What you fill your life with is what truly matters, not the stuff.

How do you deal with the stuff that you’ve become attached to? How much of a hold does your stuff have on you?

Up until that point, I was willing to spend money to impress. When I bought my sports car, I felt great in it. I had vanity plates and I was HOT! When I wore expensive suits, did my hair up, put on my make-up, I did it to impress. I was very young and suffering from a wicked case of Imposter Syndrome, and all the trappings of success meant I was successful.

As I have moved through my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to learn a lot lessons. My children came with a huge number of lessons, some of which I am still trying to master. One of the most important lessons I learned – from my kids, from my reading, from my true friends – is that it doesn’t matter what things look like, it’s what things ARE that’s important

What I have found as I’ve observed those who are still struggling with Imposter Syndrome or The Need to Impress is that they are willing to spend lots of money just to feel they are keeping pace with the trends. If they can pull a little into the lead, even for a few moments, by having a shiny new toy or a slick new th’ang, they’re happy to do so. What I have found among those who no longer have the need to impress is the desire to experience life – in all it’s small and large ways – fully.

Can you imagine being among a group of friends who do not spend their time showing off their new shoes and accepting the “oohs” and “aahs” that are the social requirement? How about being with people who don’t spend their time together sharing bland compliments and insulting those who may not be around? Can you believe she wore those pants? He makes good money, why doesn’t he get a decent haircut!

If you want to be really impressive, focus on being positive towards everyone. It’s fricken hard; I’ve been working on this one a lot. The reason it’s so hard is that it is in our nature to one-up the next guy and when we see the opportunity we often take it. And it is from this that our Need to Impress is born. But you have the opportunity each time you see the situation setting up for a Impress-Fest to guide the conversation to a better place.

Instead of participating in the Mine is Bigger Than Yours game, share your ideas, your learning, your experiences with personal growth. Instead of talking about STUFF, talk about what you’re thinking, feeling, learning. Talk about your dreams. Talk about what you want to accomplish. Talk about your challenges and how you’re dealing with them. And encourage those around you to share their dreams and aspirations.

If your friends are stuck on STUFF, it may be time to find some new friends. No, you don’t have to dump the old ones, but if you want to head off in a new direction, it’s always nice to have a like-minded pal along for the journey. Call up someone you’ve met who you may have thought of as interesting but simply not a good fit for your group and see what they’re up to. Broaden your friendship circles. Broaden your horizons.

The next time you feel the need to use STUFF to make a statement about YOU, ask yourself this: What is it I’m trying to say about me? Is it yet one more attempt to impress? If so, think about this: You’re a pretty special person all on your own. You’re living a unique life. And you have important information to share about how to be happy. Maybe it’s time to let your friends focus on YOU instead of the STUFF.

But I’ve also written quite a lot about how to Shop Smart, about Conspicuous Consumption and about Thoil. Some of my friends like to make fun of the fact that I don’t know one type of make-up or shoe label from another. Some people tease me about my cluelessness when it comes to fashion. And some wonder if I ever just blow a bundle.

Once upon a time I was a fashionista. I had a hat and a pair of FM pumps for every $800 suit I owned. I drove a really expensive sports car. I had my hair and my nails done every few weeks. I was a doll, and I dressed myself up and turned myself out. I wanted to leave people with an impression. And I did. I was very successful as a consultant, and my “image” went a long way in convincing others I was very confident. (Ha!)

Then I grew up. When I had my children, everything about me fundamentally changed. Time became more important than money (extra money to buy stuff, that is), and I swapped my fancy-fancy for plain ol’ plain ol’. I learned that I was really smart – so I didn’t have to convince anyone anymore – and I didn’t give a rat’s butt what people thought of my “behaviour.” I howl (like a wolf) when I’m happy. I cry when I’m sad. I spit when I’m pissed.

Thoil became my word of the day. Could I reasonably justify spending that money on whatever it was I was looking at? I moved from defining myself by the stuff I had to figuring out what I really enjoyed, buying that, and keeping the rest of my money where I could use it for good or pleasure later.

Some people call me cheap. Some people think I’m frugal. I think I’m just plain ol’ sensible. It’s dumb to waste money. And it’s dumber to do it because of the “impression” you want people to have of you. If you’re shopping up a storm – whether it’s a big-screen TV or a $1200 handbag – so people will say, “Wow!” you should wonder why they’re not saying “Wow!” just because you’re YOU!

I don’t care what people spend their money on. Really I don’t. If it floats your boat to have a different set of glasses for each outfit you wear, and you’ve paid for them all without using credit, you should have a great time with them. But if you have a different set of glasses because you’re defining yourself by how you look in those glasses, you should ask yourself what else you could be doing with your life (other than shopping) to define who you are.

So often we fall into the trap of not really knowing who we are or what we want. We’re like refugees from an episode of Sex In The City. Gawd. How pathetic. While it may not be as glamorous to live a contented and peaceful life, it’s far more satisfying than aching for all the things we feel we should have, but simply can’t afford. Or worse, refusing to deny ourselves, and racking up thousands of dollars in debt for stupid stuff.

My ex-husband used to quote me a poem:

contentment is for
babies and for cows.
to live life vibrantly is
to dangle securely from
the end of a
frayed string.

Nope, not for me.  I value my peace of mind too much. I’ve experienced contentment and it’s a sweet spot.  I don’t care who calls me cheap or frugal or whatever else is going. I’m sensible. And I’m happy.

How many of you know someone dangling from a frayed string?