Loads of people have written to me about having mates whom they love but who are driving them nuts when it comes to managing the money. And the recent airing of the Guy & Julia episode has brought out the issue even more. The comments on the Til Debt Do Us Part Facebook page are very telling.

Some people seem to think that because a body doesn’t match yours when it comes to how you manage your money, your relationship is doomed. I think that’s only true if you don’t consciously make the effort to iron out your difference. Even people who are money matches have to work at making their relationship successful. Marriage is work! Don’t let anybody tell you different kids.

The problem is that most of us go into marriage all glowing and hot, never thinking about how we are similar to or different from our mates. Since the very idea of talking about money is anathema to romance, people just avoid the issue. And when you and your mate are on the same page about a lot of other things – how you’ll raise your family, the spirituality you share, the way you feel about life in general – money tends to be the elephant in the room.

Some people contemplating a long-term relationship don’t even know how different their attitude is from that of their mate. Later, when they clash, they can’t understand how they can be so far apart in their money personalities when they’re together on so many other fronts. Or worse, they think the conflict will “just work itself out.” Hmmm.

If this seems to be a bigger deal in today’s world than it was just a generation ago, it is. Once upon a time the majority of women did not work. And it was the rare woman who made more than her mate. So guys made the money along with all decisions about what to do with it. Now that our roles in life have changed, so have our financial expectations.

With double incomes the new norm, we think we can afford to have it all RIGHT NOW. The pressure to make a good show – drive a nice car, live in a beautiful house, go on vacation, wear gorgeous clothes  — is heavier than ever. We come to measure our lives with materialistic badges and the old saying, “He with the most toys wins” has become our mantra.

People – women in particular – are pulled in all directions. Since historically we have been the caregivers, we have yet to learn how to balance that against our new financial power as major contributors to a household. Sometimes we just let the other guy make the decisions and then seethe with resentment as we watch our partners screw it up.

You’d think that with both partners working there’d be more money to save. But often two incomes mean dueling wallets. With different money personalities, different agendas, and a tit-for-tat approach to spending, there’s more debt.

So what can you do if you’re getting into a relationship – or you’re already in one – and you and your mate aren’t money matches? Tune in tomorrow and we’ll talk about creating a money match. This is part 1 of 4, which will culminate with how to protect yourself if your better half is drop-dead determined to leave you worse off.

Here’s a note that came in from Mary this weekend:

Hi Gail – can you ask folks to post some more recipes – maybe stuff for the harvest time, fall time, canning, preserving, soups/stews, large batch cooking for families with kids going back to school – make enough for dinner, some for lunches the next day, freeze some? I’m always looking to share new ideas and recipes, and appreciate receiving the same. I’m wondering if we can’t remind people at the start of every month, perhaps, to post their faves. Looking forward to your new season.

One of the things I’ve noticed in life and in doing the show is people’s propensity to keep score. Partners say (or at the very least think) things like, “I’ve been to dozens of his boring games, it’s time he came to a musical with me,” or “We’ve spent every single holiday with her family, it’s time my family got to see the kids at Christmas.” I know I’ve done it. And I’ve been royally ticked when my partner was very good at taking, and not so good at giving.

“Compromise” is the word that usually comes up when you start to talk about “evening the score.” I actually think that score-keeping is a really bad idea, although I’m the first to admit I have no idea how to get people to stop. And I hate, Hate, HATE the word “compromise.” Maybe because whenever it’s been thrown at me, as in “You’ll have to compromise,” (said in a deep, patronizing voice) it’s usually because I’ve done just about enough compromising and have drawn a line.

I much prefer the word “negotiate.” The idea behind compromise is that both couples do it evenly so that over time it’s a 50/50 wash. Personal experience has told me that this very seldom happens. Usually one partner is much “better” at compromising, and turns into a doormat for the sake of peace. The other claims to compromise, but it’s on very small things. Then the Keeping Score starts.

The problem with keeping score is that sometimes it takes a long time before the other person gets theirs and the score builds and builds on one side of the scoreboard, making the person who is doing all the compromising feel like a fool. Eventually, if you’re in a real partnership, it comes out in the wash. But what about all those feelings of resentment and being-taken-advantage-of in the meantime?

I like the idea of negotiation. Here’s how it works.

“Honey, I want us to go to my parents’ for the holidays.”

“Okay, sweetie, I know that, but I hate your parents. Your mother always acts like I was the worst possible choice in a mate. She looks right through me.”

“But she hasn’t seen the kids in five years. And she’s sick. This is really important to me.”

HERE’S WHERE THE NEGOTIATION COMES IN…

“How important on a scale of 1-10?”

“It’s a 9.5.”

“Well, it’s a 8.5 for me NOT to go on my scale, so you get this one.”

Ha, I see the flaw Gail…. What if the other guy makes all his/her scores a 10 all the time? See, that’s where my brand of negotiation is so great: For every three in a row one guy gets, the other guy gets an auto-default to what he/she wants. So if you play the 10 card three times in a row to get your way, you’d better be prepared for what comes next, because it’s my way all the way baby!

For most couples this kid of negotiation works because, on a case-by-case basis, you’re determining just how important it is to each person. If something is a 5 to me and a 7 to you, clearly you get what you want. If it’s a 9 to me and a 3 to you, I get my way. If it’s a close call, which it can sometimes be, then you’ll have to negotiate on a finer point.

“Not going to your mother’s house is a 9 for me, baby. Sorry.”

“Going is a 9 for me so what now.”

“Well, how long do we have to stay?”

“I’d like to stay 5 days.”

“Okay, I’m prepared to give this to you if we stay two days.”

“TWO DAYS!… How about three.”

“How about 2 and we call it three! Hey, man, the fact that you’re getting me to go to your mom’s house is a fricken miracle. Cut me some slack.”

“Alright, we’ll go late on Friday and leave early on Sunday. That’ll seem like three days.”

“No, buddy, it’ll seem like a month. But I’ll buy that.”

Try it. See if you can make it work for you. And it doesn’t matter how small the negotiation is, remember the three-in-a-row rule. It’s bad for the relationship dynamic for one person to get his or her own way all the time, no matter how right (s)he may be.