I have to admit I’m of two minds on the whole issue of adult kids moving home. Termed “Boomerang kids” by the media and these are adult children who have left home only to return to the nest. Whether the cold hard reality of life on their own was too much to take, or they’ve suffered a significant set-back like unemployment, divorce or some other relationship malady, kids are coming home in record numbers. Some stats hold that the Kids-Moving-Back-Home phenomenon has doubled in the last half-century. And according to the National Survey of Households and Families in the U.S., 10% of all children over the age of 25 live with their parents.

Yup, I’m of two minds:

On the one hand, I think it’s terrific that parents are willing and able to help their children, particularly if the set-back those kids are facing is a result of crap happening. Who could foresee that your daughter’s lovely fiancé would turn into a drinking, gambling fool who couldn’t hold a job? Or that the lovely girl your boy brought home from college can’t keep her hand out of his wallet? If divorce happens, and you can help ease the burden by offering a roof and some emotional support, good for you as parents. Ditto kids who find themselves unexpectedly out of work, or dealing with an illness no one could have foreseen.

On the other hand, I think it’s downright dumb the way some parents let their kids move home, do little or nothing to pull their own weight, pay no rent, and still live high off the hog. There are adults living in their parents’ home who think it’s perfectly fine to eat out four nights out of seven, who don’t lift a finger to do anything to help out around the house, and who won’t cough up a penny to help with the costs of living. There are adults living in their parents’ home who get pregnant when they don’t have the money to put a roof over their own heads. There are adults living in their parents’ home who have no plan for how to get the hell out.

I received a letter from a young lady recently bemoaning the fact that she and her husband are still living in her parents’ basement. After moving home with him because she got pregnant and they didn’t yet have their crap together, they proceeded to have four children! Now she wants to know what she should do? Gosh, if you can’t take care of yourself, why would you think it’s okay to have four kids? What ever happened to “grow up” first?

If you have adult children who are planning to move back, you’ll do them no favours if you let them live the life of a teenager: sleeping late, taking no responsibility for themselves, and expecting everything to be done for them. While this is barely acceptable from a kid, it is totally unacceptable from an adult.

I don’t care how much you love your son or daughter. Adults do not have the right to mooch off their parents because the alternative is hard. If your kids have chosen to stay in school for a decade, why do they get to have all the benefits of your (hard working) life while they are students? And if they’re old enough to bring another life into the world, they’re old enough to put a roof over their own heads, and food in that baby’s belly. Enough with the coddling.

That’s not to say that you should turn your children away with a cold shoulder. But if you’re going to let a young adult move home, then you should at least have some rules about what’s what.

Make sure you have an end game in mind.  How long will they live with you? What’s their move-out date? Failing that, when will you sit down again to assess how they’re doing and set the move-out date? Establish a time line up front so your adult children don’t get the idea this is a permanent arrangement. Your kids shouldn’t have to worry about being kicked out on a whim. Nor should they get so comfortable that life at “home” becomes the status quo.

Talk about the money. If your kids are trying to save the downpayment on a home, have them pay you “rent” that not only covers the increased costs of having them under your roof, but sets aside the amount for the downpayment every month. Ditto kids who are paying off debt; make sure the money is going where it’s supposed to go. Unless your child has absolutely no income, they must accept responsibility for some of the household expenses.  And for those who have very limited incomes or who are busting their butts to get debt paid off, exchange what you have to offer for their skills as garbage collectors, cooks, cleaners, laundresses, snow-shovellers, drivers, and whatever else they can do to make your life easier.

One way or another, your adult children need to pay their way to keep their self-respect and not turn back into your “babies.” Let them off the hook on rent and other financial responsibilities – let them spend their income any ol’ way they want – and you’ll be teaching them to live on a disposable income they’ll never again have.  And let them live at home with no expectations for when they’ll leave and they won’t. Why would they? They’ve got it good and they know it.

 Back to the young lady who wrote me…

Sweetie, if you want to have a life, you’ve got to be prepared to pay for it. Life doesn’t come cheap. And it doesn’t come easy. Independence is a sign of maturity. If you’ve finally reached the point where you’ve recognized the importance of becoming independent, then you’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make it so. Thank your parents and get the hell out of their basement!