Why do women act like martyrs? “Oh, no, no, you have the last (whatever)…. I’ll be fine.” I was at lunch one day with my crew when we were served very sad looking salads. Three of us had the same salad, which was supposed to be robust because the price tag was $24. I asked the waitress to bring the manager.

When the manager arrived I said, “This salad may be a $7.99 salad, but it certainly isn’t the $24 salad you promised me.” I then listed the ingredients (like steak) that were in short supply or completely missing (avocado).

The rest of the table was very quiet. When the manager asked my dining companions if they were okay, everyone nodded. As soon as he left, some started grumbling about their meals. Really?

When was the last time you saw a man put his hand over his mouth before he laughed? When have you ever seen men concerned about sending anachronistic thank-you cards? And do men really wonder if their underwear is appropriate for the clothes they’re wearing? (Women have t-shirt bras, obsess about panty lines, and judge others on the colour of their underwear.)

I’m all for things like being punctual (both Ladies and Gentlewomen are), but I’m focused on more important things than place cards at the dinner table.  And I’m much more likely to thank you for doing me a favour in some real way (a lunch out, a home-potted plant) than by filling out a card. I don’t find it hard to say no to unreasonable requests. (Ladies often do.) And I’m not about to put up with crap (service or otherwise) just because it isn’t polite to be loud.

I was standing in a very long line in the grocery store the other day. (Hey, the express line isn’t express if it’s nine people deep!) I said in a very loud voice, “We need another check-out opened.” Two things happened. A check-out person told me to be patient, to which I responded, “I don’t have to be patient, I’m the customer, get a line open quickly please.” The second thing: as soon as the line opened, the person in front of me tried to get there first.  Really? Just seconds before she was completely happy to be eighth in line. I calmly walked in front of her and said, “If you had the balls to get the line open, you could be first.” Then I put my stuff in front of her stuff.

Some people think of me as bullish. What I’m not is a simpering wuss. I have all kinds of time for people who need my help, I share what I have and what I know willingly with family and friends, and I would sooner chop off my hand than hurt someone I love. I take responsibility for myself, and I hold others to the same standard I hold myself.

Being polite used to be the be-all and end-all for women. Don’t make too much noise, don’t be better at stuff and brag about it, don’t be adversarial.  Admonishments like, “You can win more flies with honey than with vinegar” make me retch. First, I’m not interested in flies, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Second, why are honey and vinegar the only options?

I responded that for most of my experiences dealing with autism in my own family and with friends I’ve just managed to cope… no time for more than that. I certainly admire people who are active in building awareness and shining the spotlight on issues. But I’ve never seen myself as an activist (except when it comes to the frickin’ credit score, which I see as so destructive). Nor have I seen myself as a celebrity.

But I am a mother who has had to cope. I’ve tracked some of my journey with Malcolm in a book I’ve been writing called A Mind Of My Own. Today I’m going to share the introduction. Depending on the responses (interest or no interest) I’ll continue to share what I’ve written on the subject.

I wrote this for Malcolm and for me: I needed to put it on paper because that helps me to process. And I wanted Malcolm – who is a visual learner – to see how I saw him and to help me see him the way he sees himself.

A Mind of My Own: Introduction

Imagine having a child who is different from all the other kids. He takes forever to start speaking and when he does, he does so in an odd, formal way, echoing what he’s heard, or memorizing great gobs of dialogue from videos or TV. He can read fluently, even the most complicated texts, but seems not to understand even the simplest words. He rarely starts conversations and when he does speak he repeats his own sentences over and over.

This child doesn’t deal well with change. He has an intense need to keep his routines. It’s Tuesday so he has to wear his red shirt or something awful will happen. Try to make him wear blue and the screaming will make your head ache. He has difficulty with transitions, so visits to the dentist, school outings and even trips to the grocery store can be triggers for fury. And he demonstrates ritualistic behaviour, always bathing at exactly the same time every day, always brushing his teeth at 7:35 a.m.

He’s very sensitive to sound and smell and bright lights and the feel of things. So sensitive, in fact, that it feels almost like pain. When he is upset, for any of a variety of reasons, he’ll rock, or he’ll spin, or he’ll chew his clothes or his hair or his hands.

While both his visual and auditory memory is strong, language is confusing. He doesn’t seem to be able to answer any of the “W” questions: “what,” “when,” “where,” “who,” and “why.” In fact, he may not even be able to ask a question; instead he makes a statement that ends in the upswing of a question’s cadence. He thinks in very literal terms and can’t cope with abstract concepts. And since he listens selectively, you may be tempted to have his hearing checked.

Welcome to the world of Asperger’s Syndrome. My son, Malcolm, has Asperger’s and I’ve been walking a long and very winding road with him for several years now. I’ve learned a lot. And one of the things that has become most obvious in that while we’ve learned a lot about the condition, there are still a bazillion people out there that haven’t got a clue about what Asperger’s is and how to cope. If I could only tell you what I know…

So here’s our story. It’s not a technical manual that explains diagnostics or the genetic background or the pathology (although I do try to decode some words you may run into). It’s what Malcolm and I have faced together, and what we’ve learned together. I’ve tried to pass on the hints I found most useful, and share both the frustrations and the joys so that as you take this very long and winding journey with your own sweet one, you’ll know you’re not alone.

I hope that you enjoy our stories and that you learn something from our trip. Good luck on yours.

Boyo spends Christmas day with me and then heads back to his dad’s for Christmas evening and Boxing Day, which is his father’s birthday. So this year Baby Girl and I are jumping on a plane and heading to Arizona for five days of sun and pampering. (You’ll see some best-of blog repeats during that week.)

It’s been a long and very busy year for both of us. Having five days to just be together laughing and loving the sun seems like an enormous gift. Since she’s gone off to university, I find any time I get to spend with Alex to be a huge present. And I cherish every minute. So there won’t be a ton of stuff under the tree this year; we’re going with experiences. (Boyo gets a trip in March when he’s on school-break.)

Boyo did ask for an iphone for Christmas. Actually, he wanted one way back at the beginning of summer and was perfectly happy to pay for it himself. My problem with Malcolm is that he never wants anything… very low needs/wants kid… so I’m loathed to let a gift option pass me by. I talked him out of buying it and offered it to him as his Christmas/Birthday present. I wanted him to defer the gratification and experience the anticipation for a while before scratching the itch. He acquiesced.

I find that as I grow older I want less and less. Time with family and friends is far more important to me that yet one more whatever. I lead a simple life, but there’s not too much that I want that I don’t already have. New acquisitions tend to be books, tea, and recreational supplies like canvases and yarn… not really “big ticket” items.

Last year Alex went into a kitchen store and asked them to produce something “new” that I might not have. After several “no thanks, she’s got that,” she was offered an ebelskiver pan. It makes round pancakes into which you can put fillings. I’ve become a bit of an ebelskiver aficionado, filling with savoury and sweet and having a blast with my new toy. So it was a thing that led to wonderful experiences feeding people! That’s my kind of gift.

Perhaps the one I’ll get the most flack on is the elimination of the Gail Clubs bulletin board. I’m sorry folks, but it’s been swamped with spam and until I can figure out a better way, it’s just creating all sorts of problems. Those of you who use it regularly can set up an email system to keep your communication going. The Gail Club bulletin boards will come down the last week in December.

Next year will also see the introduction of six new bloggers. They’ll have a separate blog because that’s what you said you’d prefer. Each will have his/her own day of the week, and I’ll introduce you to them before they start posting. I hope you enjoy this new adventure.

BTW, each of these writers has made a six-month commitment. If you’d like more from them, let me know.  If you’d like a spot on the roster, send some samples of your writing and I’ll let you know if a spot opens up for you. (Send enquires to getgvo@gmail.com with “guest writer” in the subject line.)

I’m also putting up Tracking Your Money The Gail Way in January so you can put a system in place next year if you’ve been looking for one. Lots of people have been asking me for apps and for software to track their money. I have a problem with amalgamation sites where you put in all your personal info because giving that info immediately breaks the rules your bank has in place to protect your financial identity. And, no, I have no intention of creating an app. There are about a b’zillion apps out there, and I’m not getting into the fray.

I use a notebook and spreadsheets to manage my money, and I’m quite happy with how they work. If you want to manage your money The Gail Way, you can download the package for $4.99 using Paypal. The package will come with a spending analysis worksheet and instructions, a spending journal worksheet with examples (although I just use a notebook and you can too) and a budget worksheet, which includes the Life Pie and The Jars.

There is no magic to this system. It’s not easy. It takes time and it requires discipline. Don’t download it and then whine about how hard it is. If you aren’t prepared to put in the time and effort, save your $4.99.

Because I’m more than just money, Next year I’m going to be blogging about some of the things I love to do. From cooking to knitting, from gardening to parenting, books I’m enjoying, movies or TV shows I’m watching, Wednesdays are going to be about something other than money. I actually live a very balanced life, and that’s what I hope to share with you.

I’ve been thinking about these changes for some time, as those of you who have been around for a while know. But change takes time and I’m loathed to rush into things, so I’ve been plotting for the new and considering carefully what needs to get a kick to the curb.

As always, I value your input. Your turn now: What changes would you like to see here? How can this community be more useful to you? You know I love to hear from you.

This year is the first in many that I’m actually looking forward to my birthday again. Thank heavens I threw myself a big bash 50th the year I turned 45! (Hey, what better way to hear, “Gosh, you look great!) My real 50th sucked because it was just six months after my marriage imploded. It’s the one I was sure would last forever and when it ended I was heart-broken. I just bore down and did what needed to be done so that I could get to the next day. I kept myself really busy. And because I’m a glass-half-full kinda girl, I didn’t do too much whining. I counted my blessing. (I have a lot of blessings so that ate up a lot of time.)

With my 52nd birthday around the corner I’m more like my old me: Happy in my heart. I find myself whistling and laughing to myself a lot more. And all that’s left now is to figure out what I’ll buy myself this year for my birthday.

When you look at other people’s lives you never know what shit they’re dealing with. It may look all rosy from where you’re standing, but everybody — absolutely everybody — has crap in their lives. It’s how you deal with your crap that makes all the difference in the world.

If you’ve hit a wall, if your life feels like unadulterated hell, if you can’t imagine ever finding your feet again, breathe. You must KNOW that this too will pass and you must BELIEVE that you can have the life you want. It may take some time. It may require that you just bear down and do the day-to-day for a while. Remember, where you are today is not where you’re going to be tomorrow. So suck it up and push forward.

And for y’all who are having a great life, I hope you’re remembering to say, “thank you.” It won’t always be sunshine and buttercups, so enjoy it now and store up the energy for when your storm clouds appear on the horizon.

Life is a series of cycles. We go up. We come down. We coast for a while and then we hit some bumps. We work hard so that, in the end, it all balances out.

There are days that I wonder if I’ll make it to bedtime. Then there are days like this one, where I’m full of optimism and joy and anticipation. (Can you imagine how boring it would be if every day was like every other day. Shoot me!) Overall, the joy exceeds the terror, so I have a good life. And when I go to bed at night, for every day that’s been fabulous (most of them) I end by shouting at the top of my voice, “I love my life.”

Then I listen to my children chuckling at their idiot-mother and I know how blessed I am.

Bring on the next year! I can hardly wait to see what it brings. Happy Birthday to ME!

——————–

Want to win a copy of Debt-Free Forever? Tell me a joke for my birthday. If I laugh out loud when I read it, I’ll put your name in the draw. I’ll give away 5 copies of Debt-Free Forever in total. If you want it autographed, let me know. (I don’t write in people’s books unless they want me to.)

I find many personal finance sites are highly focused on investing… it’s a trend when it comes to money. Go look at the bookshelves and you’ll see ten times as much space given to investing as to all other areas of personal finance. Even on the Globe and Mail’s website, personal finance falls under the Investing section. That’s putting the cart before the horse in my book.

One blog the Globe didn’t include on its list, perhaps because it is their own, is the Home Cents blog. I used to love Chaya Cooperberg’s stuff. Very personal. Very relevant.  It’s still a good blog, but I miss Chaya’s voice. Chaya, where are you?

Kerry Taylor over at Squawkfox also does a nice job. But this isn’t strictly a personal finance blog, which may make it more appealing to a wider audience. Kerry also covers everything from travel to fitness to home. Which begs the question…. If I were to cover more general topics here, would you like that or not?

READER PARTICIPATION REQUIRED: Do you want this site to be strictly personal finance or do you want to see more of the things that appeal to your whole life? I love to cook. And I have some pretty strong opinions about parenting.  I also read a ton and could include a new Book Review section where we could share our reading pleasures.

So, do you want the site to spread out? I AM GOING TO TAKE MY CUE FROM YOU, SO SPEAK NOW! All you have to say is “change” or “don’t change.” If you like the idea of spreading our wings here, I can make a plan for 2012 and we can broaden the subject matter.

If you’d like to see stuff from other writers, instead of just what I have to say, let me know that too (though I’m resistant to giving up my writing job because I love writing for you guys soooo much.) If you’ve followed JD’s blog over at Get Rich Slowly, do you like his writers’ voices, or did you like it more when he was doing all the blogging?

If you’re into real estate, you ought to be reading www.canadamortgagetrends.com. Smart and current, this is a source of info that’s not only interesting but relevant.

Another site I like to pop by and have a read is www.canajunfinances.com. The Big Cajun Man is funny and his voice rings true. I think this is one of the things that I look for in a writer: not just the facts, or their opinion, but their true feelings on the matter. So often what we get from money articles is dry as dust and twice as boring. Such a shame.

Here’s a good site for a credit card debt-repayment calculator.

Beyond money, one site I find very interesting www.brainpickings.org. Sometimes quirky, sometimes down-right odd, this site brings me back again and again, often inspiring me to think outside the box. I like www.bigthink.com too, along with www.informationisbeautiful.net . Check ‘em out. You might also want to take a peak at www.sethgodin.typepad.com and www.danariely.com. Super-smart guys.

Here’s a fascinating site that shows world statistics updated in real time.

Y’all know I’m on Twitter now @GailVazOxlade, and I’m building a money list there. If you want to be included on that list, or you want to check it out for inspiration, pop over and have a look. I don’t keep a blog roll on my site because I just don’t have the time to check for broken links… I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

BTW: I’m having a twitter party on June 9th. Don’t know what that is? Just ignore me. Want to participate, go to the new Gail Vaz-Oxlade Fan Page and like, and you’ll get updates.

Oh, another BTW…Do you have a favourite ap that’s helping you manage your money better? (I get this question all the time. Me, I use a pen and notebook and an excel spreadsheet… I’m a little old school.) Tell us about it and why you like it.

• Not one thing of real value was gleaned from this. Please, Star… can’t you find any better bloggers out there?
• C’mon people, she’s from Ottawa.
• Less time at the spa and more time reading would help you realize that spendthrift is a single word.
• It is a sad day when I might have to go to the Toronto Sun for financial advice as opposed to the Star.
• Bad at budgeting – Bad at math
• I too am expecting in September And am not getting meals out, spa treatments or colouring my hair. This blog isn’t going to help the average reader or expectant mother. 6 Agree
• I just can’t imagine the struggle this poor woman has gone through. Ones heart goes out. 6 Agree
• This is an insult! Tell “Marie” to take the cake out of her mouth and maybe learn what it is actually like for the rest of us.7 Agree
• Poor Little Rich Girl When people like this Jennifer Stewart complain about their tax dollars going to programs to help those less fortunate, it’s really sickening. 6 Agree
• VERY USELESS article what is new there? I’m already doing all advised stuff, the press better find out why gas prices here are 30-40% higher than in US and Europe. 8 Agree

I think if you don’t like a blog you should just go away quietly. Nobody is making you read the blog (or article). And spewing negativity doesn’t do anything but make the writer want to run and hide under a rock.

I’ve got a pretty thick skin. But when I read comments like the ones above it makes me sad. Ms. Stewart’s writing is clear and she is sharing her experiences. That’s what bloggers do. There’s no need to berate her or use her as a verbal punching bag.

I see quite a bit of this as I browse the web. When it’s directed at me (which, happily, isn’t often) I cringe. But, as one person put it, I’m an old war-horse. I worry that voices willing to share will be quieted because of the negativity they encounter. And that would be wrong.

It wasn’t so long ago that nobody was willing to talk about their financial experiences. It wasn’t so long ago that things like debt management and budgeting had to sit at the back of a bus driven by investing. (It’s still so in some places.) We should be happy to see so much being written. And if a particular writer doesn’t strike a cord with you, just don’t read ‘em.

All this is to say that I’m really grateful to my readers here because you’re such a lovely, thoughtful and supportive bunch. I know you don’t always agree with what I say, and that’s your right. And I’m happy for you to say so. But I am so happy you do not reduce my site to a barrage of negativity. I think – old warhorse that I am – I’d fold my tent and slink away!

Here’s hoping you all have a wonderful 2011. To dreams coming true, goals being achieved and happiness all ’round.

As you head off on a new journey of 365 days, what one thing will you do differently so that at the end of your journey you are where (or closer to where) you hoped, planned, dreamed you’d be?

I think I will focus on smiling more… moving my muscles so that at rest I am smiling gently. It’s so easy to droop into dissatisfaction. I want to make this the year I focus on satisfaction in repose.

Life has been pretty busy of late, and I haven’t done much stopping and seeing. So that’s my second for the year: to take time and see the glory that is all around. Yes, a little more seeing.

It hasn’t been all work. I’ve been painting a bit. I love to work in oils. I’m in no way a realist, but I do love abstract. And a few of this year’s pieces were good enough to hang. I love this last piece I did:

I’ve been knitting. I took this up to learn something new and to have something useful to do on set when the boys were lighting the next scene. I’ve made a hat and scarf for Alex, a hat for myself, and a blankie for Tasha’s new baby Toni. Here’s the blankie:

(Actually, baby’s name is Julianna, but I named her Toni in utero and so I continue to call her Toni, which seems to be fine with Tash.) In part, my willingness to experiment with knitting came because I received a packet of knitting needles from an i-friend who had read I was thinking of taking up the hobby and sent me off her late mom’s needles. Such generosity. I truly do appreciate them, and every time I knit something new, I think of her. This year Catherine sent me a beautiful red Christmas lap-blanket, which encourages me to try something new this year.

When we moved into this house two years ago, I knew that I was going to have to redo the floors. An aloe vera that tried to commit suicide (it grew too big and it jumped off the shelf bleeding PURPLE all over the white carpet) and an errant glass of blueberry juice confirmed the need to change the flooring. I’m not sure why this house has six different types of flooring on a single level, but its time to simplify. Next year I’m looking forward to putting in hardwood throughout, with ceramic in the bathrooms and laundry room. I’ve been diligently saving every month for the past two years and now my floor fund is topped up to where it needs to be. I think I’m going with wide-plank, dark hardwood with nice high baseboards.

I’ll be on book tour in the early part of January, first in Toronto and then out west. I’ll tweet where I’m going to be (GailVazOxlade) if you want to catch up with me. I go back into pre-production for Princess in March, and then full production in April and that’ll pretty much eat my year, along with all the writing I’m doing.

Kate, my editor at HarperCollins, is busy doing an edit on A Woman of Independent Means – which will be renamed – and it should be back on the shelves for 2012. Anybody have any ideas for a new title? It should be short and catchy like the last two books.

My kids have dealt with some big changes too. Alex went off to university and is working her butt off. (Looks good on her.) She’s also got the role of Hope (female lead) in Urinetown, which is the musical her university is doing next year. I’ll be there howling my brains out when she performs. Malcolm transitioned to high school without a hitch and I’m saying a very big ‘thank you’.

My house is cozy and warm, I’ve been cooking up a storm for Christmas and Alex spent most of yesterday making desserts of all types. The pressies are wrapped and the stockings hung by the chimney with care. There’s snow on the ground so I can revel in a white Christmas.

I have met many wonderful people via my show and the website whom I am very happy to call ‘friend.’ Some of you write to me regularly, send me cards, share your life’s ups and downs with me. Here’s a picture of Harry’s Christmas Tree this year… note the “skirt” around the bottom of the tree. Harry makes me laugh with his wonderful letters and I love that he takes the time to share his recipes with me.

I am hoping for a happy and joyous new year for all of my friends.  You have been a source of strength and a constant delight. I am honoured to have you in my life and I look forward to hearing your wisdom, your challenges, your achievements and your moments of glory throughout the next year. You are all magnificent and you warm my heart. Thank you. Happy Ho Ho Ho!

1. Would you follow me if I had a Twitter account?

2. What would you expect/like to hear from me if I Twitter?

3. How many times a day would you expect/like to hear from me?

It’s a short-but-sweet questionnaire! I guess I’m not sure if I have enough to say to add value to the experience. Since I don’t have a Twitter account, I haven’t participated in the experience yet and have some doubts. If you Tweet then perhaps you’d also share what you like about Twitter and how you use it? And if you follow people on Twitter, who do you follow and why?

I’d really appreciate the feedback. I’m going to do some more research, but I’d love your input.

I’ve had hundreds and hundreds of letters from people who are desperate for help.  Many are asking for me to come and see them, to call, to help them individually. I’d love to. I wish I could. But there just aren’t enough hours in the day to deal with all the debt and disaster that’s out there. Ultimately, if you want things to be different, YOU have to do something different. You have the tools. Between the websites and the new book, you don’t have any excuse for not picking up the reins of your own financial life.

The book is not expensive. I asked the publisher to keep the price point affordable and HarperCollins did their best to make a beautiful book that won’t break the bank. And it’s everywhere now, although it may take a couple of months to get into the library system. The website is free and is loaded with heaps of fabulous information ready for the reading. (Remember, I don’t answer questions that are already on the website, so if you haven’t heard back from me that may be why.)

I’ve made a lot of changes in my life. After months of struggling, I finally feel like I’ve got my sense of balance back. I’m focusing on today and that’s helped a lot. And I’m working hard at remember to say thank you for what I have, and not be pissy about what I’ve lost.

Very often we look in at people’s lives with a little envy or wistfulness.  Their lives look so sparkling bright compared to our deadly boring ones. Or they look so happy and we can’t see any way but down. We don’t exactly wish we could be them, we just wish we didn’t always have to put on a brave face; we want to sit down and rest for a minute.

All that glitter, it’s an optical illusion. Every life has joy and struggle. And if some people don’t show the struggle it’s because they may be too afraid that if they falter for even a moment, the whole thing will come crashing down. But sometimes being real about the crap that’s in your life is what it takes to get past it.

Several times this year, I have been overwhelmed, and it is only after saying something profoundly important out loud that I’ve recognized what my wall has been so I could break it down. But if I hadn’t been talking to someone about how I feel, I wouldn’t have come to these very important realizations. So I encourage you to talk. Find friends and family who are willing to listen, and then spread yourself around (since you don’t want to overwhelm any one person with your crap.) This isn’t about whining and feeling sorry for yourself, or drumming up sympathy. This is about telling your story over and over so you can work it out for yourself.

That’s one of the great things about the Success Posts. Just the act of writing your own story out let’s you see things more clearly. And since the people on this site are wonderfully supportive and full of encouragement, you can spill your guts and ask for some feedback in relative safety. We do get the occasional ass on the site and I apologize for that, but that too is life.

I’ll be doing a media blitz and book signings in January and February. As soon as I have the dates and locations, I’ll put them up so you’ll know where to fine me. I did a taping on the John Tory show on CFRB yesterday, and that’ll be on the air next week. And I’ll be visiting several Costco and Chapters stores in the new year.

Speaking of the new year, I hope you all have a fabulous 2010. If you are in the midst of caca right now, I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all go away for you. Sadly, I don’t have a magic wand. But I can tell you what I’ve heard from the wisest people in my life: What don’ kill yu, mek yu strongah!

To all the people who have wrapped me in their love and good wishes in the past year, thank you so much. You have saved me. And I am so happy to have finally arrived back at myself. I cannot begin to tell you how much you have meant to me, and how much strength I’ve drawn from you.

I am sending you all the very best wishes for 2010. (Can you believe it’s frickin’ 2010 already!) I hope you can find the joy and sense of balance that will make the year one of your favorites.

Happy Ho Ho Ho!

BTW, this is my final blog before Christmas. Next week I’ll be re-running a series of blogs that I particularly like and will get you thinking about what you want to do differently in 2010.

Alex demanded turkey this year …we didn’t do turkey last year and  I’m not a huge turkey fan.  Without a bunch of people to cook for my motivation was low. So I told her if she got three people over for dinner I’d pony up. Sure enough, we had turkey dinner with six of her friends.

The sweet potatoes were a HUGE hit. Butter, brown sugar, fresh pineapple and a little rum! Mmm. And I apparently make awesome mashed potatoes: red-skins, butter and salt is all. I cooked a fresh turkey for the first time — mostly because I was  up to my armpits during the week and didn’t even get to the market until Thursday, and we were having our dins Friday to not conflict with everyone else’s family meals. So fresh it was. And I don’t think I’ll ever go back to frozen. What a delicious turkey it turned out to be. I filled the cavity with a couple of cloves of garlic, some Jamaican seasoning (a bottle of mixed stuff) and a pound of butter. Then I roasted it upside down (breast down) first covered at 460 degrees for about an hour, and then at 350 til it was done, uncovering it and flipping it over for the last 45 mins or so. I also made cranberry jelly… a couple of packs of berries, sugar, fresh ginger sliced into the boiling cranberries. Toward the end I added some orange rind and mixed in a little orange liquor, whatever was on hand.

The best part was the joy.  I love listening to the kids yammer on about their lives and what they’re going to do next. It was such a pleasure to see them stuffing their faces and heading to a turkey-coma. I burnt the (frozen) pumpkin pie (don’t ask) but no one seemed to care much.

So here I sit this morning thinking about how much my life has changed in a year. I’m not broken anymore. I am happy to count among my blessings the fact that my children are once again full of joy and optimism. Malcolm is at a new school and is thriving. He’s almost my height now and I can’t believe how happy he is. Alex has gone into her final year of high school with gusto, has one of the female leads in Seussical The Musical at school this year, and is gainfully employed as she saves up  money for university next year. And I… well I am looking ahead and wondering what life holds next for me. I’m at the beginning of production for my new show, Princess, and awaiting the publication of Debt Free Forever. I’ve just been told that CNBC has bought TDDUP and that it’ll start airing in the U.S. on that station sometime in November (?). And I’m in the midst of revamping the website and blog to give it a fresh feel and to make it easier to navigate.

I am happy. I remember part way through the past 12 months sitting down and writing out what I wanted, and “to be happy” was at the top of the list. Life gets bumpy sometimes. Sometimes it’s downright dismal. But if we can hold on, if we believe that things will be better, they get better. Having great friends to help hold you up is a big part of surviving when the crap hits the fan. (So does having some money in the bank.) But I think the most important thing is knowing you will be okay… remembering that “this, too, will pass”, and holding on. Of course things don’t get better by themselves. Even as you are “believing” you have to be busting your butt to make whatever you want next a reality. Sometimes it feels like you’re barely surviving, dangling by a frayed thread. But if you do hold on, if you believe that where you are today is not where you will be tomorrow, you can take a deep breath and resolve to roll with whatever comes next.

I hope this Thanksgiving finds you happy and able to give thanks too. If this is the year your life is falling apart believe me when I say it won’t always be like this… things will change… things always do. And if you can find even one small thing to say “Thank You” for, you will allow the light into your gloom. Just one small thing.

Thank you to all of you for having been so wonderful over the past year. Your blessings and encouragement played no small part in helping me transition to where I am now. I send you all a huge hug.

Dear Gail, I’m in serious trouble. Last year I was working around 55 hrs per week and accumulated a truck load of debt. At the time I wasn’t concerned because I was covering payments with no problem now I’m working 36 hrs/week and I am heading to bankruptcy faster than the speed of light. I have bill collectors calling weekly and I’m stressed beyond belief. I have an 18 & 15 year old who are dependent on me and I just don’t know where to start or how to get out of this mess. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated because I’m at my wits end!!!

If you’re working flat out and you still can’t live on what you’re making that should be your first clue that there is something seriously wrong with your spending. Com’on. How do you ever expect to pay off “a truck-load of debt” if you can’t live within your means when you’re making good money? And what makes you think that things will always be as they are? If you’re at the top of your game income-wise, the only place to go is down. And you better be ready for it. People who are earning big bucks should be socking away big bucks for when the cycle shifts.

Then there are the people who choose to ignore their problems.

My main concern is that I’ve had a wireless bill in collections of almost $4400 for almost 6 years now. I thought about paying it off but I’m thinking it’s going to fall of soon anyway. I later understood that it might not and now I’m confused.

Now that this chick isn’t so sure the debt is just going to magically vanish, she wants me to tell her what to do. Why do people think that if they just pretend there’s nothing wrong their issues will go away? If you have a dispute with a service provider, as this woman does, ignoring it for six years doesn’t exactly put you in a position to dispute the charges at some point down the road. Nobody’s listening anymore. The company is just going to do whatever it has to so that it gets its money. And if you don’t work out something with the company, they will tell all their friends, who will tell all their friends (and by that I mean your credit history will suck) and you’ll find your ability to borrow at anything but the most exorbitant rates extremely hampered. Ignoring a problem won’t ever make it go away. And hoping the system will work in your favour — that the debt will just disappear and you won’t ever have to deal with it — is downright delusional.

And the people who claim to not want to upset their partners. And partners who let themselves be deluded.

After 10 long years of financial problems, including joint bankruptcies that cleared 2 years ago, my husband’s failed business and 3 separate marriage counselors, I am desperately trying to keep my family together and not resent my husband. My husband has finally decided to close his business and has recently started a full time job but he has some business debt to clear up. He is hesitant to share information about certain things in regards to his self employment and just today We received a letter in the mail notifying us of a Personal Property Lien from the Ministry of Revenue. My husband has kept certain things from me in the past because he didn’t want to upset me.

OMG! Here are a couple of people who have been playing a game with each other. He wants to protect her… really? She needs protection from his irresponsible behaviour, not from the truth. And she has let herself stay in the dark because, no doubt, it was easier that making him fess up. I have a name for people like this: Mushroom Princesses: in the dark and up to their armpits in crap! When you are dependant on another person’s income, you are at huge risk, so it behooves you to know what the frick is going on. And if that person isn’t prepared to be completely open about where the money is coming from and going, then you’re a dope to stay dependant. At some point you need to wake up and smell the danger lurking. If you don’t you are colluding with your partner to remain ignorant.

I received these three letters on the same evening, so I haven’t pieced them together from the week’s mailbag.

I want to help as many people as I can. Really I do. But when people are completely unwilling to take control of their own lives and do the simple but hard things necessary to make their lives better, I have no magic wand I can wave to make the uglies go away.

I actually had a woman write a huge sad story to me recently, which she ended with, “Gail, work your magic.”

I’ve said before: sound money management isn’t rocket science. Well, it isn’t magic either. It’s discipline.

Many of the people who write to me have seen the error of their ways and want me to help tweak their plan. They have clear questions to which they need answers so they can choose a path that will work for them. They want to make an informed decision. And I can help those people. For the folks who are looking for magic, I’m sorry, there isn’t any.

Money is a tool. Use it wisely and you can have everything you want. Misuse it and you’ll find yourself up to your armpits in alligators… it may take a while before you feel them snapping at your heels but I guarantee you will.

Ultimately, we each must take responsibility for our own successes and failures. When we try to hand the problem to someone else to solve it means we’re not quite ready to accept responsibility. We’re still looking for someone to save us. And as long as we’re unwilling to find a way out of our own messes, we can’t be saved.

If you haven’t been to the Globe & Mail “vote for your favorite blogger” event, you should go and see the suggestions for great places to find out more about money. While some moron has tried to hi-jack the voting, that should not detract from the fact that some very good sites have been suggested.

I don’t include a blog-roll on my site because I just can’t keep up with what goes off the air. Very often I click on a blogger’s recommended sites only to find the site is older than Methuselah or defunct, and I hate that! But I do have some fav sites, and I’ve added my two cents’ worth to the Globe.  So pop over and see what other people are reading. And if you have a favorite site that hasn’t been mentioned, you should add it to the list using “comments” and spread your cheer.

I was at my publishers on Monday to go over plans for my new book, which will be coming out in January 2010. Debt Free Forever: Taking Control of Your Money & Your Life takes you through the process I’ve been using with families on Til Debt Do U$ Part so that you –– or someone you know — can go from delusional to In Control! I’ll tell you more as we get closer to the publication date.

While I was at Harper Collins, I picked up four copies of SquawkFox’s book 397 Ways to Save Money and am offering them in a random draw to four people who send me their Success Stories by Friday July 2nd at midnight. Squawkfox also happens to be one of the blogger’s in the Globe & Mail’s blogger event, so it all dove-tails quite nicely, dontcha think?

One of the biggest boo-hoos I get from folks on my website is that I only deal with couples. Well, we’re heading into production on the new show called Princess this fall. Head over to the Princess Facebook page or to Slice’s Casting Call page for more information. (Have you all joined the Til Debt Facebook Group? Since I don’t accept people I don’t know on my Facebook personal page, this is the way to go.)  If you know someone who fits the Princess profile, maybe you’ll want to nominate her (or him) for the show. Since there’s “no partner required” for this show, singles can now get in on the action. But I’m warning you, the process – like Til Debt – will not be a cake-walk.

And, finally, I’m wondering how these blogs are working for y’all. Most blogger’s write shorter daily pieces and I’m wondering if my more verbose style is working for you or if you’d like shorter pieces… sometimes less is more, after all. If I’m being too long-winded let me know and I’ll shorten up a bit. You’ll notice I’ve added links for StumbleUpon, Delicious and Digg to the end of the blogs. I’d appreciate it if you’d vote for any blogs you really like since this opens the site up to more potential readers.

Have a terrific Canada Day!

People pay to have their houses cleaned, their lawns cut, their driveways shoveled, their hair coloured, their coffee brewed. We order in or drive-thru because we don’t have the time to cook, never mind clean up.  We send clothes to the cleaners because we don’t have time to iron. And we pay people to clean our carpets, paint our rooms, and fix what we break.

So what’s your time worth, and how many of your chores do you outsource either because you’ve run out of time, or because you just hate doing them?

Once upon a time managers had secretaries to do their typing and make their telephone calls. I distinctly remember being at a meeting at a big bank when one senior executive turn to another and said, “I’ll have my girl call your girl.” (I still cringe when I think of it.) Email and voice-mail did away with personal assistants. But even as the corporate world was trimming back on helpers, individual families were ramping up their outsourcing to cope with the greater demands at work.

Outsourcing became a significant engine for our economic growth creating new employment where no such categories had previously existed. As people became more focused on work, and lives became busier, we needed other people to take the load off and a whole new category of business owner was born: the personal service consultant! I’ve met people who cut hair in your home so you don’t have to show up for an appointment. I’ve met people who walk other people’s dogs because those folks can’t make it home in time to relieve their pooches’ bladders in time to avoid a carpet mess. And I’ve met people who shop for clients who can’t find time (or energy) to hit the stores for themselves or their family and friends.

Once upon the time it was only the very wealthy who could afford to hire chauffeurs, maids, gardeners, cooks, and laundresses to do their bidding. In some countries, labour is so cheap that the middle class routinely has people sweep their doorsteps, cook their food and do their laundry. In North America, these people have evolved from being servants to small business owners selling their time and effort to multiple clients, and building their businesses until they have their own employees to do the grunt work.

And what’s the risk to these small business owners in The New Economy. After all, with frugality being rewarded socially and economically, many of us are coming to see these services as indulgences rather than necessities. I’ve heard from more than a few friends who are in the biz of making other people’s lives easier that business is down. It’s as if everyone is holding their breathes to see what happens next.

Maybe it isn’t worth $40 to have Fido’s hair professionally washed and cut anymore. Perhaps $50 to have your home swept and dusted just doesn’t seem like it’s worth it. And if you can save $60 a week by sitting down with your kids to do their homework, as opposed to shipping them off to a tutor, couldn’t that $60 be redirected to their post-secondary education fund?

Is it realistic to think that a family can function with both parents working full-time plus, while keeping all the at-home balls in the air without the help of outside resources? After all, in the traditional model where mom stayed home and dad worked, there was plenty of time to cook from scratch, darn socks and iron sheets! Today, cooking at home means popping a prepared lasagna into the over, holey socks are turned into dusters and sheets never come close to an iron.

As y’all know, I love to cook and I’m fine cleaning up after myself. I like doing laundry. And I’m good at keeping things organized. I’ve painted rooms, wall-papered and cut my own dog’s hair (when she was still with me… I’m dog-free now and missing it!) I dislike vacuuming and dusting, and am not particularly diligent with yard-duties since this is the first time they’ve been on my plate.

So how do you cope? What are you prepared to spend money on to free up time, or to create more balance in your life? And what have you stopped spending money on because you just can justify it any more?