Dear Gail. I need your help. I am supposed to be getting married in a few months but my boyfriend is threatening to call off the wedding. He says that I’m irresponsible with my money and he just can’t “take me on.” He says he loves me, but that I’m too expensive. It’s true that I like to treat myself well, and I do borrow money from him (and from my sister), but I always pay them back eventually. I work in a job where I have to look good. So I get my hair done every couple of weeks and I’m constantly shopping for new clothes. I don’t like to wear the same thing more than a couple of times because people will think I can’t afford new clothes. I have a ton of makeup and it takes me a couple of hours to get ready to go anywhere. Last month I decided to get a new car. I had a car but it was a cheaper car and I wanted a better car. So I went and leased a Lexus for just over $675 a month. Now I have a bit of a problem because I’m supposed to have the money saved for half the wedding and I don’t. I don’t want to loose my boyfriend, Gail, but I don’t know what to do. Help me please.

When I read the letter my finger hovered over the delete button I thought to myself, “too dumb for words.”  How can anyone be so shallow – so vain – that they put their future and their relationship at risk for the sake of a new model car, a sassy hairdo and new rags?

People do it all the time.  They get so wrapped up in looking gooood that they completely lose sight of the big picture. They act like money morons because they’re obsessed with making the right impression.  They put themselves at risk financially to get massaged, mani’d, pedi’d, waxed, trimmed, coloured, outfitted, and slimmed. They let the most ridiculous things dictate how they feel about themselves. I once watched a co-worker leave work, go home and change her shoes because a much older woman came into her space wearing the same shoes she had on. Those shoes that were good enough to buy suddenly became incredibly “uncool.” Lord love a duck!

If you put how you look, and what other people think about you, before building a solid financial foundation, you’re a money moron. If as you buy something you’re thinking to yourself, “Wait until the girls see this!” you’re buying motivation is suspect. And if you don’t have two red cents to rub together, but you’ve got a couple  dozen pairs of shoes with matching purses and you’re about to buy more, you’re insane.

Putting your vanity before your sanity (or the sanity of your partner, as with the chick who wrote the letter) is dumb. It would probably take me a week of Wednesdays to help the chick who wrote the letter see the error of her ways. Maybe her boyfriend should dump her. That might help her reprioritize and see what’s really important and what’s just superficial.

Married people have rights under the law that common-law couples do not. The matrimonial home, for example, is the place where two married people live together. It doesn’t really matter who put what into the home, or whose name is on title, as long as you’ve lived in the house together and you’re married, it’s considered a joint asset.  Not so for common law couples.  If you don’t officially tie the knot, property rights cannot be assumed. In fact, property that you bring into the relationship continues to belong to you alone, so the end of the relationship does not automatically mean a 50/50 split.

If you’ve contributed to the upkeep of the home, if you’ve had a hand financially in improving the property, or if you’ve made payments against the mortgage, you can try to get that money back by going to court. But it’ll take a trial to settle any dispute that can’t be handled amicably. That’ll cost big money; perhaps even more than you’re trying to recapture. And the only way you stand a snowball’s chance is if you have loads of evidence of your contribution: receipts, cancelled cheques, bank statements showing auto debits to pay the mortgage, and the like.

While cohabitation agreements may seem like a cynical CYA, they’re a better idea than leaving yourself exposed. Your cohabitation agreement can describe what you’ll contribute and how your assets will be divided in the event the relationship doesn’t cross the finish line. Cohab agreements are particularly important where there’s a significant difference in what each person is bringing into the relationship and/or will be earning during the relationship. And while not everyone is keen on the idea – as many aren’t on pre-nups – having the discussion is better than playing the “well, let’s just see how this turns out” game.

For the cohab agreement to have any teeth you need to both enter into it willingly and with separate legal counsel.  You’d be wise to identify which property you want to have treated as separate property, and how joint property will be split? Will it be 50/50, 60/40, or some other ratio that seems fair to both? Make sure you also identify which debts will be shared. Better yet, share no credit (except for the mortgage) and keep this aspect of your money completely separate.

If there are children from a previous relationship, child support is covered under the law, but you should talk about how their ongoing support will be handled. And if one partner will stop working, even though spousal support is also covered under the law, support should be negotiated as part of the agreement so that everyone knows exactly where things stand.

To save money on the legal execution of your cohabitation agreement, do your homework upfront, have the things you need to include written out, and then see a lawyer to talk about anything you may have missed. You can initially do this together, but then each of you will have to seek independent legal advice to make sure the agreement meets the test of not being coerced or one-sided.

Over the years of shooting Til Debt Do Us Part and, now, Princess, I’ve seen couples rip tags off stuff, hide purchases, and straight-out lie about what they paid for something. Men lie. Women lie.

A survey commissioned by CESI Debt Solutions in the U.S. says that 80% of married couples spend money their spouse does not know about. Huh? And more than 18% of marrieds have credit cards their spouses do not know about. Wow!  That’s a lotta lyin’!

When asked why they kept their spending secret, more than 60% said it was to avoid problems at home. Hey, if you have to lie about what you’re spending, doesn’t that send a signal that maybe you shouldn’t be spending the money? Is it really worth losing your partner’s trust to buy stuff you don’t need and maybe won’t even use? After all, after you have your first five sporty jackets, how much wear will the next one get? Or how much did you waste on the one that’s going to just sit in the cupboard?

I’ve seen couples make deals relating to setting a purchase limit as in, “We won’t buy anything for more than $150 without first talking about it.” One partner gets it, and stays true to the intent. The other shops up a storm, always coming in at just under the $150 bar so they’re on the right side of the rule… but not the intent of the rule.

Some people become so frustrated with their partner’s inability to hold to the goal they’ve set together that they remove their mate’s access to the money, assigning them an allowance.  So you’d rather be treated like a child than man-up and learn to stay true to the objective? Really?

If having a plan is what it’ll take to raise your family, buy a home, go on vacation or have some money for retirement, and it takes two to make it work, you better start taking the commitment you’ve made to your mate seriously. If this sounds like you’re sacrificing your independence, you are. That’s because when you mated and had a family, you took yourself out of first place on the list of priorities in your life, and moved the good of the many before the good of the one.

Secret spending and hidden debt can destroy a relationship. Screwing up the plan because you can’t keep your hand out of your wallet is stupid. And lying about what you’re buying, how much debt you have, and what you really want is a sure way to end up in divorce court. It may take a while. But that’s where you’ll be. But you know that… right?

Sure you do. Folks aren’t totally oblivious to the implications of their financial infidelity since 38% of those surveyed were concerned the revelation of their secret spending would result in their spouse booting their butts.

I’ve suggested everything from keeping your money separate if your mate is putting the family at risk, to painting yourself with chocolate to get his or her attention. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Here are some of the more practical ways you can get on the same page.

If you’ve been operating without a budget on paper, now’s the time to create one. Sure, YOU don’t have to write everything down; you’ve got it locked and loaded in your brain. But your partner might not be as intuitive about the money.  Concrete folks need to see it in black and white before they’ll get it.

Since some people are very concrete, you might want to try doing what I’ve been doing on TDDUP: give your mate some representative form of money (can be a deck of cards with dollar amounts written on it, it can be money from a game, it can be coins that represent larger amounts of money, or screws of different sizes or … well, you get my drift) and have them figure out the budget using these very concrete tools.  It is truly amazing to see the look on people’s faces when they realize they’ve just run out of screws, cards, coins, whatever you’ve used to represent income. This approach makes the finiteness of money very real for people who usually just assume there will always be more money.

Having a jointly created plan on paper gives you a starting point for discussing how you’re managing the money. She’ll not only need a sense of the big picture, but the detail of a budget will help her see how all the pieces fit together. If you also create a calendar for which bills are paid on what days of the month, he’ll be able to pick up where you left off if you’re suddenly called away on business or have to go out of town to look after a loved-one.

Another great way to make the whole money-management experience real for your mate is to have him shadow you for a couple of weeks as you do things. You’ll be able to answer his questions in real time as he observes the process. She’ll see that when you pay the hydro bill, you make a note in your ledger that the bill has been paid, with the date and the transaction number in case hydro claims they didn’t get the money.

Over time you should transfer some of the responsibilities to your partner. Start slowly with the easy stuff. As her confidence grows, give her more to do. You’re aiming for the goal of having her do everything for a whole month while you simply watch. From that point on, you can take turns month by month or on a quarterly basis managing the money.

There, now you’re a team.

Gail says:  No way am I wading into this argument.  Do I look like I was born yesterday?  It sounds to me like your hubby may be more emotionally attached to the cabin that you are.  And you may want him to have that cabin when he does retire and you need a place for him to go for a few days.  I know you want to retire early, so you both have to decide if having the cabin is worth a few extra years of working.  Your first priority should be to get that line paid off.  Interest rates are on their way up and you want to be free of that sucker.  You can then use the money you were using to pay off the line to pay down the mortgage.  Make sure you’re on an accelerated weekly payment.  Maybe there are other things your husband has that he’s willing to get rid of to keep the cabin.  Or maybe you agree together that the cabin isn’t being used enough (nor will it be in the future) to justify keeping it.  This should be partly about getting to debt free before retirement.  But it should also be about what you really want, and what else you’re prepared to give up to get what you really want.  Both of you.

S wrote:  My husband is a spender.  I can make buffalo howl (rubbing buffalo nickels together).  I let him spend his money-his allowance.  My allowance (for me to me) is $20 every 2 weeks.  How can I get him to come to my way of thinking without nagging (doesn’t work, been there, done that) and ruining the marriage?  I pay the bills and we are not deeply in debt-about 2K on credit cards.  I pay $50 extra on the mortgage.  I would like to have no debt.

Gail says:  Marriage is about figuring out what’s important to both people in the relationship.  Why don’t you think of something that’s really important to your husband that he requires your cooperation for?  Then sit down and talk about how he would feel if you didn’t cooperate.  Then tell him that the money thing is as important for you and that is for him.  Now you want him to commit to cooperating because this is so important to you.  Tell him you’re not going to nag or bug.  He’s a big boy and perfectly capable of monitoring his own behaviour.  If he does not meet you half way on your need, you back off on his.  He’ll figure it out!

Malikum wrote:  Dear Gail, I’ve just finished graduate school and I’m currently between jobs (i.e. I’m not earning at the moment).  I am a 35-year-old woman and I’m in romantic relationship with someone who says they’re serious about our future (and he is earning at the moment, he is a fireman).  I would like to get serious too, but his spending seems so impulsive and excessive, I’m afraid of merging accounts, and therefore lives.  I am a saver, I buy what I need, and I try to invest my savings, and I admire people who are also savers.  I have recently introduced my beau to your show, but he doesn’t seem to be taking the hint.  He is critical of those on the show, but isn’t thinking about applying those tips.  In truth, I am only *guessing* that he is spending more than he is earning.  How do I broach this subject with him without him becoming defensive and pointing to my current unemployment (which I am working on, and which is a touchy subject!)?  I don’t want it to appear that I’m a gold-digger or nagging him, but I am concerned that there is not a day that goes by without his spending on restaurants, beverages/snacks at work, and entertainment, like magazines, music, posters, or kitschy goods.  I feel like his consumption is a matter of self-worth and esteem?  I would like to raise this issue and sort it out before committing my life to him.  Is that fair?

Gail says:  It most certainly is fair.  You should be able to talk about the money because it is going to be something that affects you both as individuals and as a couple your whole lives.  In our culture of consumption, being secretive about money is the name of the game.  We don’t want our partners to know how often we hit the ubiquitous ATM, click the “buy now” online or accept one of the many credit card and line of credit offers that come through the mail slot.  But if we don’t talk about the money — including what we’re bringing to the relationship in terms of assets and debts — then we’re not being upfront and honest with each other.  And that lack of openness and honesty can hurt people long after a relationship bites the dust.  So I encourage you to talk to your future “life partner” about this.

First, tell him that this isn’t about what’s gone on in the past.  This is about building a future together.

Next, ask him to share what he feels is important to him, and ask him to listen to what you think is important to you.

Then talk about what you want, need, expect from each other.

He should not be throwing your “not working” into the mix.  If he does, ask him if he would feel angry or sad if you ended up making more than he does when you do find work. How will you deal with the arrival of children, and the drop in income that usually comes with?  How will you both share expenses so it is fair and so you can also build your own savings and achieve your individual goals?

I believe very strongly that the way a couple deals with their money — handle it, cope with disappointments, negotiate disagreements — is a pretty strong predictor of the long-term success of their relationship.  Since disagreements about money tend to be intense, if you can swing those with civility and with a focus on solutions, just about everything else will be easy.  If you can’t talk about money, or if one partner uses money to control or manipulate the other, then the relationship is doomed, so just don’t go there.

If you or your partner are entering into this relationship thinking that you won’t have to (or be able to) speak freely about money, that says something.  And if you don’t have a sense of security about the future, that says something too.   While you may want to maintain some financial independence – don’t share credit! — you’ll also want to work together to deal with the day-to-day costs of living and to achieve the goals you set as a couple.  And you’ll have to talk about it to do that.

Alison wrote:  Hi Gail, Thank you in advance for your time – I know it’s valuable!  I love your show and watch almost daily to find useful tips to incorporate into my life.  I am married x10years, 3 kids (ages 7, 5, & 2.5), own a house and 2 vehicles.  My husband and I have no debt except for our mortgage.  I have two credit cards, my husband has three.  My husband would like to save every penny that we make and pay down our mortgage in record time, and I like to enjoy life and some of the sweeter things that it has to offer.  Our take home income per month is approx. $7000.00.  We have tried to use a budget but have never been successful with sticking to it.  We do not carry a balance on any of our cards and try to use cards that “pay us back” something.  Our monthly expenses pretty much break us even, but we stay in the black and manage to save a small amount each month.  We share our money – we have one account that pays for all and we pretty much make the same (him working full-time and me working part-time).

My question/problem is this:  I think that we are doing well – this is probably the most expensive time for us in life with a young family, paying a mortgage, me having to work part-time, etc. and I feel that we should be proud of ourselves for the way we have handled our finances.  On the other hand, he is in a constant state of anxiety about our finances.  It is a major problem in our marriage – I can’t spend anything without causing him anxiety and in turn, me feeling a certain amount of guilt about it.  I don’t know that I can convey to you the enormity of the problem that this causes, but I am very concerned that we are headed for disaster because of his unrealistic fear that I will spend our family into the ground (even though I have long since proved that I will not do that).  How can I get him to realize
that we are on the right track?  Do you have any suggestions for couples who are in a saver/spender relationship that find themselves at odds, despite no actual financial problems?  What percentage should we be trying to save with our income (currently save about 5%, not including RESP $)?  Please help!!!

Gail says:  If you are saving 10% of your income and you have six month’s worth of essential expenses set aside, you should tell your husband to stop worrying so much.  If you’re behind on either of these scores, it’s time to come up with a system that satisfies his need for safety and your need to have a good time.  Life has to be about joy and pleasure.  But it also has to be about responsibility and protection.  Look over what you have been spending, and on what.  Talk about what your needs are, and what he wants.  Negotiate the things you will spend money on and the things you’ll cut back on to make sure you’re saving enough and have a emergency fund.  If this is as huge a problem as you indicate, you need to start talking about it.  Perhaps you’ll decide to use an “allowance” system where you each get a specific amount you agree upon that you can blow any way you want, no questions asked.  It may be $100 a month, or an amount that is more or less depending on your financial situation.  Then you’ll have some money you can use to have a great time and he will know there’s a limit on your “frivolous” spending.

“Two years ago, I was a teacher in a big city making $71,000 a year, managing to live on my own, make large debt payments every month, put money into savings, and still have some fun. I then met someone, fell in love, quit my job and moved back to my hometown to be with him. We were married and had a daughter, and have another one on the way.

I don’t regret my decision at all, I love my family, but there is a problem. Full-time teaching jobs here are quite sparse. I’ve basically been a Teacher on Call here since I moved back along with a 10 month EI based maternity leave. My husband was fantastic and took my consolidation loan and student loans and added them onto his mortgage to help me out, since my income dropped so drastically by moving here. We’ve set up an excel budget sheet to keep track of every penny we spend in a month. It’s also set up so that based on our income we each are responsible for a portion of the household expenses. We’ve kept our separate bank accounts and finances. My income as a TOC is so small, however, that even paying my smaller share of household expenses, I’m left with very little money to spend, and no money for debt repayment or savings. I’ve given up certain hobbies and sports that I used to love, because I can no longer afford them.

My husband, however, because he earns more than me, still keeps up with his hobbies, and whenever he wants to buy himself something, he doesn’t hesitate, because he has the money to do so. Part of me has become very resentful and jealous of this. I feel like I have made lots of sacrifices to my personal life by moving here and giving up my good income, and he still gets to have fun and do all the things he did before.

My question, basically, is because he does make more than me, and consolidated my debt, should I keep my mouth shut and keep being miserable feeling like I can never buy anything or do anything for myself anymore, or because we are married, do I have a right to say that it’s not fair that one partner gets to have all the fun while the other makes all the sacrifices? What’s the best way to handle this situation? I would love to hear your advice on this.”

So we have a bunch of things happening here. First, there’s the moving back to a smaller, less career-focused town to be with the person you love. Hey, you have the right to follow you bliss. And if that means moving around, and that’s what you choose, then you’re swapping big income for happier togetherness. It’s so easy to want it all, all at the same time. But that’s not reality. You give a little, you get a little. You gave up income in return for life in a small town with the guy you love and some beautiful kids.

Next comes the reduction in income that comes from having children and being home with them. That should have been a joint decision, and you should have been getting full support (physically and financially) on that one. So his fun money may have been needed to supplement the family income at that point. If it wasn’t and he was having a great time while you ponied up your share of the household expenses, you got the short end of the stick there.

Perhaps the thing that concerns me the most is that you’re not talking to your husband about this.  Really? The guy you promised to spend your life with… you’re already not talking about something that is clearly very important to you? Does he know you want to pursue some of the activities you did before? Or does he think (as lots of people may) that you’re quite content to focus you life on the kids and have no life of your own?

Clearly he sees the need to consider your financial circumstances since he took the step of consolidating your old debt into the mortgage when you got together so you’d no longer have those payments to make with your reduced income. So he’s not a total moron. Nor is he unaware (as some people can be) of what’s changed. But if you’re not talking to him about how you feel, if you’re not sharing your dreams, your desires, your frustrations with him, you are not being fair to him.

If you’ve whined about how little money you have for fun and that you never get to go out, that doesn’t count. Whining is not communicating. Sitting down and talking about what’s in your heart and what’s on your mind is communicating.

Equities often exist in marriages. It is the rare relationship where both parties bring home the same amount of money and have the same expenses. You have to negotiate how you are going to deal with those inequities as a family. That’s what you are now: a family. I’m all for keeping separate accounts; you need to have separate financial identities. But how you choose to use your income and channel the money to meet your joint expenses is a whole different thing. You have to talk, negotiate and come to agreements about how your family’s resources are best used to meet the family’s needs.

I hope that your husband is sharing the life-responsibilities – baby care, cooking, cleaning, laundry – with you (otherwise you can charge him for that!). And I hope that as you stand in the kitchen together, cooking dinner and washing dishes, you will say, “Honey, y’know, there’s something that’s got me a little down. Can we grab a cup of coffee and go talk about it?”

MSNBC has reported that the recession has pushed more women into the role of major breadwinner. Girls, aren’t you glad you didn’t pay any attention to the “find a man who can look after you” advice your Aunt Maud dispensed? You’d be up the creek now, wouldn’t you?

It seems that based on the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 2007 almost 30% of women are earning more than their male partners. And since 75% of the 7 million Americans who have lost jobs are men, that female bulge has no doubt ballooned.

One of the biggest problems women face as primary breadwinners is the weight of having to carry the financial burden and do everything at home too. Already feeling like losers, many men refuse to take on the household duties of caring for kids, washing clothes and cooking meals, leaving women doing everything and frazzled in the process. Yes, apparently, there are still “male” and “female” jobs in many homes. And if mommy doesn’t do it, it won’t get done.

Studies have shown that while men with working wives are taking on more housework, they lag behind by five hours a week. And in families with kids the gap is even wider: women spending 17 hours more each week doing household and childcare chores.

Equally difficult is the sense of failure men feel because they’re not “taking care of their families.” These emotions run deep, and the conflicts that can arise as the power-base in the family shifts can wreak havoc on everyone involved.  Studies have shown that as a woman’s income surpasses her male partner’s, he tends to be less involved at home and that more traditional roles reassert themselves.

Clearly being a pioneer – being the first couple to change roles in your family or in a traditional culture – means breaking new ground. Few of us were raised in families where Mom brought home the bacon and Dad fried it up in the pan. So it’s going to take a little time to come to terms with the shift in perspective needed to cope with our changing roles. First, we will have to get used to the fact that the person who make more money should NOT have more say… that’s not a partnership. Second, we’ll have to stop tying our self-worth to our paycheques.

Is this finally the opportunity for us to embrace the idea that we are actually in it together? It doesn’t matter who does the laundry, it only matters that the laundry gets done. By focusing on keeping everyone sane and healthy, it’ll be about figuring out what needs to be done to keep the household running and the children safe and happy.

Of course, this will only work if we keep money out of chore talk. It doesn’t matter if one partner is making $32,000 a year and the other is making $1320,000. If you’re both putting in 40+ hours a week, household chores should be split evenly.

Don’t assume that the distribution of household chores, money, and decision-making power will just work itself out. You’ve got to talk about it. And talk about it. And talk about it. Recognize that you’re both dealing with old role models and out-dated expectations about what it means to be a real man or a real woman. If you let a discussion about who must stay home with a sick child disintergrate into who has the “less important” job or who is the better parent because (s)he cares more, you won’t ever get over your societal programming.

Good relationships are hard to find so don’t let the issues around who makes more and who does what around the house wreck your life. If you need an objective outsider to help you sort through your feelings and attitudes, get some counseling. This is tough stuff we’re dealing with. Sometimes a thoughtful and sane voice can make all the difference in the world.

Traditionally women have relied heavily on the men in their lives to provide the family’s financial security. And, for a lot of women, that attitude persists even when we know that about one-third of women make more than their mates, and a crap-load are the only breadwinners in their families. Age seems to make no difference. While you might think that younger people are getting it together you’d be wrong. Among my Princesses, for example, there’s a strong belief that you spell “financial plan” M-A-N.

So what’s the problem? Why are we still prepared to hand over control to someone else? And if were prepared to get naked with another body, why are we so hesitant to talk bout money with them?

I’ve gotten more than a few letters from people who are carrying massive amounts of debt that their partners know nothing about. And then there are the better halves who open up their buddies’ bills to find a whopping amount of used-up credit. “He had no business opening my mail,” one woman told me outranged at her husband’s rudeness in prying into her financial affairs and uncovering her debt.

“I had every right,” he responded. “I’d already baled her out twice before by consolidating her debt to the mortgage. She swore she wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t believe her.”

Ouch! So how do people end up together with markedly different attitudes and approaches to money?

Sometimes it happens because people get married without knowing squat about their partners’ financial lives. Sometimes they may not realize that their partners were maintaining their lifestyles on credit. Sometimes they didn’t understand that all that flash had no substance behind it.  (It’s like they say in Texas, “Big hat, no cattle.”) Always it happens because they didn’t talk about money.

While some people may say it’s fine for one person to handle all the money as long as the other persons “knows what’s going on”, I disagree. More than once I’ve worked with people who have handed over control to a financial moron. Letting your shop-a-holic partner or gambling mate assume control of your family’s financial future is tantamount to putting the fox in charge of the hen-house.

Even if you’re married to a financial paragon of virtue, if you don’t have your hands in the money management at least part of the time, you just aren’t as aware of the issues. Sure, your partner has said you’re a little tight this month, but until you sit and try and figure out which bills must be paid and which pleasures must be foregone, it’s all just “air” to you.

The only way for a partnership to work is for communication to be at the centre. And if you’re partnering on money, you need to talk about it.  Before you hooked up you would figure out if you were physically compatible, right? You might also talk about how spiritually compatible you are. So why not talk about your financial compatibility?

Aileen wrote:  Hi! The best way I feel to ask my question is to first give you a readers digest version of my story. 2 1/2 years ago, I entered into a debt repayment plan. I was single, working all sorts of jobs(a contractor), new owner of an acreage and ready to do anything to make ends meet (even if it meant not eating lol). January 2008 I became pregnant after being with Ron for a very short time. We both worked together to prepare for our child (Quaid now 9 months). We both kept on top of our bills and readied for baby with mostly second hand items (huge money saver). Now, I am at home with Quaid every day, while Ron is out working.  I don’t qualify for maternity leave, and I’m doing what I feel possible for work at this moment. (Quaid just started sleeping through the night 2 days ago) so the only time I have to get any work done is in the middle of the night, and usually by then I’m totally drained! We have a room mate who’s rent covers one mortgage payment ($650). But there are still bills, food, the other mortgage payment and then of course my $1100/month debt repayment. I feel like Ron is still expecting to pay only half of the bills? Every time I try to talk to him about it I feel like I’m hitting a wall. Is this something I’m doing wrong? There MUST be other’s in this similar situation? There is probably a lot more to tell, but I already feel I’m outstepping the simple question thing here. My question is this… How do I get Ron to be on the same page with me with money issues??

Aileen, I’m not sure what page you are on. It sounds like you expect Ron to foot the total bill while you are at home with Quaid. Did you and Ron have a conversation about how you were going to deal with the finances once Quaid arrived? Is there anything you can sell to pay down the debt so that it isn’t gobbling $1100 a month? Have you considered putting Quaid into childcare and getting back to work full time? How about doing the majority of your work when Ron is home so that he can care for Quaid while you earn your share of the expenses? I strongly recommend you both sit down and discuss this and come up with a plan to make it work.

J wrote: I have been a longtime fan of yours and absolutely adore you…. I watch your show regularly and when I cannot, I tape it…I have been having a dilemma for the past few months. I work two jobs just to get the mortgage paid off and pay for the kids’ extra-curricular activities that would not be possible with one job. Between my husband and myself, we make around $110K per year. I am very diligent about paying into our RRSPs, the kids’ RESPs, savings, emergency funds, TFSA etc. so much so that sometimes I find it hard to live becuase the money has been allocated to all these categories and there is nothing for “entertainment”. The kids take piano, taekwando, soccer etc. I have been blessed with everything I could have asked for. My problem is that between the two jobs, I work a total of 53 hours. I work one job during the day and one at night. One of the days I work is a Sunday night. I find that my only day at home is Saturday and this day is spent in laundry, cleaning etc. I would like to spend more time with my son who is 10 years old but it would mean giving up the Sunday night. My husband thinks that I should hang on to it until we pay off the mortgage in 3 years but I feel that my son will be 13 and may not want to spend as much time with me then as he wants to now. I am torn about the loss of income and the gnawing desire to spend time with my son – I would like to go to the park on a Sunday evening, just sit and read with him,etc. – things I dont have time to do now working 4 days at each job (on two days of the week I work 14 hours per day). Gail, what do you think I should do? Maybe if I told you that I was 47 years old it might help. I strongly feel that I can make money any time but my son’s childhood will pass me by and then I will regret it… Gail, please help !! I trust your judgement… Thanks so much for always being the voice of reason…

J, I’m not sure why you are so hell-bent on getting the mortgage paid off that you would sacrifice time with your child to do so. I could understand if you had a lot of consumer debt that you’d prioritize debt repayment because of the risks associated. But there’s no risk with the mortgage. Slow down and breathe girl. You’re moving too fast and when you get to the end you might find it’s not what you expected. I’ve always put my children first. I’ve lived debt free except for a mortgage, and I’ve given a lot of time to them. They are the most precious thing to me. Now you have to decide what’s more important to you: to be mortgage free or to have time with your son.

M wrote: My husband and I are able to live on what we earn. We have a car loan which will be paid off in 3 years. No other debt. I manage the household expenses and he contributes proprtionately to his income. But I am not able to save more than $100 a month (plus a $200 pension contribution that I make through work). I just discovered that my husband has $5000 in savings that he has not told me about. I have given him several opportunities to mention it and he is silent. Should I confront him about this money, or should I assume that it is a cushion that somehow, he needs to have privately to himself, and let it go? I feel it is an issue of trust, more than an issue of dollars…. and I feel kind-of betrayed right now, since I am pouring everything I have into “our” lifestyle, but he has this secret stash that he feels the need to keep away from me.

M, it can be very hard to discover that a partner is keeping secrets. I hate secrets! I find them destructive in the extreme. I will tell you first to count your blessings that his secret isn’t a $5,000 owed on a credit card you don’t know about. As for why he’s keeping this money hidden from you, he may be saving it for something special he doesn’t want you to know about: it could be his F/U account or it could be for a surprise trip to Paris! There’s no telling.

I think what you need to get your head around is that you made a “deal” about how you would handle the finances. If he is contributing proportionate to his income and hasn’t renegged, he’s kept his part of the deal. You now need to back away and let him be. If you feel you’re being “cheated” in some way because he has more money than you, then you may have to renegotiate the “deal.”

You are doing a good job of saving: $300 a month adds up to $3,600 a year. Does your husband have a pension? How long has he been saving to acquire his $5,000? If he has been diligent, doing without things he would like to have to create this pool of money, he should be applauded.

If your only concern is the fact that the money has been kept a secret, then you need to ask yourself how important that really is? Do you love this man? Do you trust him? Has he been a good partner, responsible and caring? If the answers are all in the affirmative, you need to let this go. But you should not keep the “secret” that you know. That’s another sticking point. You should say something along the lines that you’ve found out about this money (if you were snooping where you should not have been, you’ll just have to explain that too), and clearly he must have a good reason for having kept it a secret… it’s his money, he worked hard to save it, and you just wish there were no secrets between you.

J wrote: Gail, Everything we save for, invest in, live, breathe, etc in the opinion of my spouse is for our young teenage daughter’s future. We recently went house hunting and purchased a property to accommodate my disability (I am a paraplegic), but of course – it really wasn’t about me, it is about how this investment will benefit my daughter in the future (you know, when we’re in the old aged home). I was injured at work, busting my butt working two jobs to ensure all our needs were met. Now, I can’t work and I am at home. This home will need hundreds of thousands of dollars in renovations to become accessible (thankfully insurance is paying for it). My spouse thinks these renovations will dramatically increase the value if we sell it in a few years (you know, in the event our daughter goes to university out of the area and we have to move). I feel that my daughter is beginning to feel she is “entitled”. Is this normal? Is my spouse suffering from perceived separation anxiety, Or am I just a selfish bastard.

J, it’s hard to say what’s what from where I’m sitting. But if you have one child, and your partner is fully invested in that child, what you’re experiencing isn’t unusual. It may have some negative consequences — like that sense of entitlement — but I’m not sure how you go about offsetting that if your partner is hell-bent on instilling it. I have found a lot of parents try to make up to their kids for what they think may be missing by focusing too heavily on the stuff money can buy. If your partner is determined to do whatever it takes to provide for your daughter, in light of what she feels may already be missing, that’s not a bad thing. If your daughter sees her mother’s effort as what you do to take care of those you love, that’s an important lesson. If, however, she sees it as her entitlement, no one will end up happy. Have you talked to your daughter about your expectations of her: what you — as a family — are prepared to do to support her, but also what you expect back from her? Why don’t you try having that conversation as a family to see where everyone stands. It may be a great jump off for some very interesting and enlightening discussions.

A wrote: Before we were married four years ago my husband was often too kind to his sister offering her “payday loans” where he would give her money up front and she would repay when her cheque arrived… sometimes she actually managed to pay him back, but the total she owes him currently is ~$10,000 !!! We recently had our first child and have debt ourselves that we are trying to get out of. She hasn’t been able to honor any of the cheques to repay the $500 he lent her for Christmas shopping for her three kids and we just found out they are purchasing a $400 purebred puppy next week… he called her to ask her when he could cash the cheques and all she says is “soon”. How can we ask her politly to avoid too much family tension if she is ever going to pay him back???

A, are you familiar with the old saying, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be”? I have always been of the philosophy that money lent to family and friends is money that has been gifted. Trying to collect causes so much heart-ache. (After she was $5,000 into you, did you not think that this might be an unresolvable situation?)  I suggest you recognize that your SIL will likely not repay her debt. The lending should end and so should the expectation of repayment so you can get on with your life.

As for your own debt, with a baby on the way it’s time to get out of debt, no matter what it takes and get busy saving sor that baby.

Kate wrote:  My husband and I have a joint chequing acocunt and while I like the idea of keeping a notebook to keep on top of my balance day to day, I find one of our biggest money mangement problems is we both have access to the account and therefore don’t know what the other has removed for day to day purchasing. What do you suggest?

Kate, when two people have access to the same account, there is no way to reconcile on a minute-by-minute basis. The best you can do is:

a) agree that you have a certain amount you can spend each month that doesn’t need to be “agreed upon”; everything else has to get the nod of approval from both,

b) update your notebook each evening, and

c) make sure all your “must pays” are deducted from your notebook first thing so you don’t end up spending the rent money on something else “by accident.”

Have y’all voted on this week’s blog poll? Go to the first page of the blog (where the picture shows up) and scroll down until you see the poll on the right. I’m very interested in seeing your responses to this question, so vote!

J wrote:

My wife watches your show every day. She is pregnant with our first child and plans to go on mat leave beginning in September. We got married about a year ago and have always held separate bank accounts. As it stands now, I pay approximately 90% of the household bills. She is receiving short-term disability now and will so go on mat leave. She pays her car payment, her insurance payment and a consolidation loan payment. She recently approached me after watching your show to suggest we get a joint bank account, and have both our pays deposited to the account and pay all the household bills. We both have credit card debt. I have never had a joint bank account with another person, always pay my bills on time and I’m hesitant to give up the control I feel I have with my financial situation. Can you give us some tips?

J, I understand your need to be in control of your financial situation. If you are already carrying 90% of the costs associated with joint living, I’m not sure what the joint account would achieve. I would suggest:

a) You both get your debt paid off, as a priority

b) You then set some joint goals that you contribute to jointly, proportionate to your income, and

c) You have regular discussions about the money, where it’s going and how happy you are about that

You must be spending more money than you make if you’re carrying credit card debt and she has a previous consolidation loan. Time for you both to start living within your means. That means a budget buddy. And it has to be realistic. And you have to stick to it. It’s only going to get more expensive when baby gets here.

Sandra wrote:

We have a combined gross income of 125000 (his 75000 + mine 50000). We have no savings and seem to have no money at all for extras – our mortgage is a line of credit of about 53000. Due to past experience I have taken over paying most of the household expenses – all utilities, house insurance, 1 car insurance, my own credit card, our daughters line of credit, groceries. My spouse “forgets” to pay the things he is responsible for-house taxes, the other car insurance, income tax. Today he advised me that he has 10000 owing on his credit card and he had paid 1200 in payment on it. I had thought it was about 5000 and had been trying to get him to pay it off from the line of credit. He refuses to consider any amalgamation of this debt but with over 20% interest rate on his credit card he will never get rid of it. He keeps saying he is dealing with it but he does nothing. We (or at least I am) are considering converting to a traditional mortgage ( I will then know that the taxes will be paid), he agrees with me but I think this is so I will drop the issue and he does nothing. Should we convert to a traditional mortgage and include his credit card debt in the mortgage? How do I get him to see that he/we are drowning? How do I get him to apply for a lower interest credit card (I have done this and it was painless = I am not innocent either as I am carrying about 1000 on my credit card) I have tried the direct approach, I have tried the ” we will do it together”. I have tried tears and anger and am at a loss as to what to do.

Sanda, m’love, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what it feels like. But I don’t have “the cure.” Sadly, there are people who do not recognize the importance of taking the right steps and who just will not listen to reason. And there is nothing you can do to wake them up.  I would go ahead and do the consolidation to a reg mortgage. Then I would set up a house account (my name only) and have him transfer monthly (automatically, if you can swing it) the money for all the things he is supposed to pay for and I’d pay them from that account. Now there is only one “transaction” he has to do a month (and hopefully it’s automatic) so he can’t forget. Then I’d make it clear that any mess he makes is his mess (make sure you’re not signed on any joint debt). You need to build yourself an emergency fund, so make sure part of his contribution includes money towards this goal. You should also read the blog on protecting yourself.

D wrote:

I have recently moved in with my boyfriend, who is absolutely wonderful except for one aspect: money!! Now that we live together I have become aware of his financial situation, and even though it his debt, I am feeling the stress and being overwhelmed by it. I have developed a plan for him to get out of his debt, and I do admit he has downsized his lifestyle by far, but I still feel like he is not doing everything he could be doing to help his situation. Also I feel like I have been holding his hand and pushing and nagging him to start taking action. This, of course, has made me lose respect for him. He wants to get married, and I would like to as well, but I have told him I will only marry him when he has made a considerable dent in his debt, and proven to me that he is making an effort and understands how serious his situation is. How can I get him to understand and take control of his own problem, and at what point to I give up and let this wonderful -in most ways- go? PLEASE HELP!

D, Make sure you have a plan for when the debt will be paid off. It may take a year or three. If it takes longer, you’re not trying hard enough. Be supportive of both your efforts to fix this. If he’s paying off the debt, you can be saving for the wedding, a house, or whatever joint dream you may have. You should each have goals you’re working toward. Make sure you’re having some fun. If you have to nag, he’s just not that into the process. This is a big opportunity for him to show you that he is a grown up. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. Only you and he can decide that. But along the way, you need to be having a great time (doing cheap things) so you don’t become all about the “mess”. You’re young. Use your imagination.

Suzanne wrote:

My husband and I have two different outlooks on finances. I am a saver and he is a spender. We are from two different countries, but he now lives here in Canada, and I am trying to teach him and show him how to save here for our future and our son. He on the other hand believes money was made for spending, and credit cards aren’t a priority to pay off. This is causing a massive stress in our marriage and we are currently separated. Do you have any tips on how to communicate and for me to show him our debts are to be paid off first before we can save for later. Any tips to how we can talk and what to do to make this happen without arguing? I want to save our marriage but he isn’t helping financially as he should be.

Suzanne, you face a very difficult time ahead as you try to make this work. If you both love each other enough, it will. Take heart in the fact that you are among many who find themselves married to a partner with very different perspectives on money. Patience and the desire to make it work are key. Here’s what I would do:

1. I would do up a budget for the things we are both commonly responsible for: housing, utilities, food, the baby’s needs (now and in the future so you each should contribute something to an educational savings fund), anything that should be a fifty/fifty slit.

2. Open up a joint account and agree to each contribute half to this “house account.” This is the account from which all the joint bills/expenses are paid. Both put money in. If you cannot trust that he won’t tap the account, it has one signature — yours — and you pay the bills from the account. If he doesn’t make his monthly contribution to the account, then there’s no more discussing because now he’s just looking for a free ride.

3. If there are things your partner wants that you do not feel are necessary — think premium cable, fancy cell phone, restaurant outings, etc — then these bills go in your partner’s name and your partner is responsible for paying for them. If he doesn’t pay, the services get cut off, but it’s no never mind to you.

4. Determine who is responsible for which debts. If they have been jointly held (both names on the account), get busy separating them. Each of you should have your own credit for which you are responsible. Never sign for the other guy. Now you each have to come up with your own debt repayment plan. If he chooses not to pay off his credit, that’s his decision. He’s a big boy and will have to live with the consequences when the credit finally runs out. Keep your hand out of your pocket. No matter how much he promises to change, he must SHOW he has changed by taking care of his financial commitments.

5. Since saving is a priority for you, but not for him, make sure you set up an RRSP in your name and make regular monthly contributions (as little as $50 to get going is fine, just get started.) You should also find a way to squirrel away some money for emergencies.

6. Do not have any more children unless you are full prepared to be a single mom of two kids. Life holds many surprises and having kids is a huge responsibility. You should know you are able to take care of your kids by yourself before you have more.

J wrote:

Dear Gail: I have been watching your show for a year now, and I’m amazed at the level of success your participants achieve. You provide both the participants and the viewers with an excellent and much needed service. I am not so different from most of those participants, unfortunately. My husband and I make excellent money (over 200,000 last year). I “manage” our money, but mismanage is a better term. In spite of our income, we have $66,000 in consumer debt. Each month I go a little further in the hole. I am not a shop-a-holic or a gambler, and we don’t have a lavish lifestyle. However, my husband has always been very insistent that we save for retirement (about $800 a month, not including my pension) and that we pay off our house (we have paid off $130,000 in the last five years and will have it paid off in three years). Nothing is left over for clothes, gifts, or vacations. About four years ago, I was very depressed and began to let things slide. So when we wanted to buy things or go on trips, I just said, yes we can afford it, never telling him that to afford it, we would go into debt. Now after four years the debt has mounted, he doesn’t know and I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t think he would leave me, but I know he would make my life unbearable. I guess I need the courage to bite the bullet, because the stress is killing me.

J, girl, you’ve got to get this mess in hand. Have you done up a budget to show him where the money is going and how “strapped” your cash flow is because of your aggressive mortgage pay-down plan? This would be the first step. You also have to be honest with him. Really. You have to tell him the truth. It isn’t fair to him. And it’s killing you. So do up the budget so you can show him the problem, tell him the result — the consumer debt — and then show him YOUR plan for solving the problem.

Deena wrote:

My spouse and I have been together for 7 years with one child and until now our income is never combined. I work about 27000 a year and he about 60,000.Our biggest expense is the mortgage – when I tally our expenses and income,it appears that we can save at least a thousand every month. We are an immigrant family – I have been here 7 years and him 9. I have debts of about 12000 – he has none – yet he never offers to assist me with paying them off. I struggle by on my income trying to pay my debts off. Looking on from the outside our relationship seems perfect but many times I feel resentful of the life.In my culture a woman controls the money -yet in my own household,i basically control my own and I am not doing a good job of it – and he feels as if I am incapable of saving,its just that I don’t have enough to save.Up to last year I had a pretty good credit score,now no one will offer me credit.I have cut up my credit cards and has cancelled one with a smaller amount.Gail,I think perhaps we need relationship help????The only thing we ever fight about is MONEY – nothing else.I will understand if you cannot respond to me,this is a kind of therapy for me – to voice my discontent…thank you all the same.Your show has given me hope…i am going to work it through on my own.

Deena, I am sorry you are struggling so. I don’t know enough to be able to help you with financial specifics, but here are some things to think about:

If you and your husband are sharing your expenses 50/50, while it may be equal it is not “fair” since he makes so much more than you do, and a marriage should be a partnership. So the first thing you should do is figure out your expenses proportionate to your income. In other words, since he earns 60K of your $87K joint income, he would pay 69% of the joint expenses, while you pay the other 31%, leaving you each with some money to save, pay down debt, and do whatever else you like.

If you cannot get your partner to agree to this arrangement, then I would cut all non-essential expenses: cable, cell phone, all shopping, cut way back on groceries, everything you can cut to the bare bones that does not affect your child, and focus all your extra money on debt repayment.

If your partner insists on keeping “luxuries”, then he can pay for them. Right now your priority has to be two-fold: get that debt paid off completely and start building your long-term savings.

BTW, here is a tip from Julie:

Not a question or a success post – I have a spreadsheet file which may be useful. In the questions section of March 2008, someone was looking for a spreadsheet to calculate lump sum payments on a loan and you asked for suggestions. The best one I’ve found is a template that came with the 97 Excel ValuPack. You can find it here:
http://thehardyhome.com/software/Office%20Pro%2097/VALUPACK/TEMPLATE/EXCEL/
The name of the file is loan.xlt, and of course, once you use it, you save it with an .xls extension. This is the best file I’ve found for imagining different scenarios with my mortgage prepayments.
I know you are swamped, so don’t fuss about responding. I hope this is useful,
Julie

If you’re counting on your buddy to do the things you need to keep your financial boat afloat and (s)he doesn’t, you may have to accept that you’re in this ship alone. If you love your mate, that may mean accepting them for who they are and getting on with the business of life. And if you have children, it may mean putting up a protective wall around yourself and your kids to make sure you are safe.

I’ve received hundreds of letters from people who are unhappy with their mates’ behaviour when it comes to the money. They feel at risk. They feel out of control. And they are stressed, sad, worried, depressed, and don’t know what to do next.

If you are living with a partner who is irresponsible with money, you have three choices:

1. you can stay, living life on the rollercoaster and hoping for the best,
2. you can leave, up-rooting everyone and bearing the cost of the breakup both financially and emotionally – so you better be dead sure this is the right step, or
3. you can accept that you can’t change your mate, stop your whining, and create a protective wall that isolates your partner’s aberrant behaviour and keeps your family safe.

Whether your partner gambles, drinks, does drugs, uses credit like it’s never going to run out, likes to change his/her vehicle every six months, or can’t walk past a store without dropping a bundle, if you’ve begged, pleaded, cried, threatened, and even tried to walk away, maybe it’s time to accept that this is who your partner is. If you can’t live with it, you know what you must do. If you can’t live without it, but don’t want his or her storms to sink your ship, take these steps:

1. Make sure you are not on the hook for any of his borrowing. That means no joint credit (which I disagree with anyway). No co-signing. No sharing of credit cards or bank accounts (keep your cards and your PINs to yourself) especially where overdraft protection may leave you on the hook.

2.  If you own a home together, accept that your home may not be around forever. Any joint assets will be at risk since if your partner ends up in bankruptcy, those assets will be part of the proceedings. The only way to avoid this is if your partner’s name is not on title. If it is, paying down your mortgage may be an exercise in frustration since whatever assets you build up may be affected by your partner’s wanton spending and rampant debt.

3. Keep all the important “must-pay” bills in your name. Put all extraneous bills – cable, telephone, sports fees, etc. – in your partner’s name. If your buddy blows at getting the bills paid on time, you don’t want it to affect the really important things or your credit history.

4. Make sure you have a big fat emergency fund. While the general rule of thumb is six months’ worth of essential expenses, if you’re married to a financial moron, you’ll need to have  9 months’ to a year’s worth of expenses socked away. Your partner is an emergency waiting to happen. Be prepared.

5. Save/invest separately. Ha! Who are we kidding? Your partner isn’t saving. Just make sure she doesn’t know where the money is or has any access to it. It doesn’t exist as far as she’s concerned.

6. Come up with a plan for the expenses. He has to give you a specific amount every week to meet the family’s needs. If he doesn’t then you’re stuck with a free-loader and should reconsider your options. If he does, that money goes into an account that you use to make sure the essential bills are paid. The other stuff he can pay from his own account. Yup, you’ve got separate accounts!

7. Keep your hand out of your pocket. This is the toughest thing you’ll have to do. You cannot save your partner. You should not attempt to rescue  her when the tears start. It’s part of the condition. You have to grit your teeth and NOT bite the hook. If you fail at this part, you’ll failed altogether!

This isn’t about punishing your partner it’s about protecting yourself. And if you have children, they need your protection. Just because one member of your team can’t see beyond his or her own nose doesn’t mean the whole family should suffer. If you’ve got a partner who just doesn’t get it, you’ve got a rough road to walk, and I send you many hugs.

No doubt I’m going to get a LOT of comments on this post. And some of you will have questions. I’m going to check in and answer them as often as I can over the day.

Sometimes it’s a difference in goals.  Kevin wants to have fun. They’ve got a good pension plan and they have secure jobs that pay well, why can’t she just leave him alone now?

From my experience working with couples, the following seem to be the things people most often fight about. Feel free to add to the list. If you’re contemplating a commitment to a mate – or you’ve been in a relationship for a while and  you feel it’s finally time to address these issues — you might want to talk about these right off the bat:

• Who will be responsible for keep the account(s) in the black, and how the other person will help.
• Who will pay the bills, and how the other person will stay in the loop.
• The similarities and differences in your spending styles, and how you will deal with them.
• Ditto your approaches to saving.
• How you will deal with changing/conflicting priorities: moving for one partner’s career, having children, retirement.
• How you’ll invest, who you’ll invest with, and how you’ll deal with different investment personalities…she’s a safety freak and he likes to take more risk.
• How much debt you’re each comfortable with, and how you’ll decide whether something is worth going into debt for.
• How your emotions affect your money management. Some people go shopping when they are sad. Some people go into complete avoidance when faced with an unpleasant financial activity (think paying your taxes). And some people spend to please others.
• How you will show you are listening to what the other person needs you to hear.

This last point is important. If I had a penny for every time I heard, “She won’t stop shopping. She won’t hear me when I say that there’s no money.” Or this one: “My husband has no idea how much it costs to run a family.” These are classical examples of “He/She just won’t listen.”

The key to making any discussion about money work – including addressing the inherent differences in your approaches to money – is to demonstrate that you respect where the other guy is coming from. If there are issues that consistently crop up, then you’ll have to take a deeper look at the attitudes that may be contributing to those issues. But all the way along you need to be supportive and accepting of the person – and deal with the behaviour separately.

“Buddy, I know you need to have some fun with your friends. But I need to know we’re not going to miss the mortgage payment. How much do you think is reasonable for fun money for you every month? Okay, let’s look at the money we have and our expenses (hey! that’s a budget!) and see where we can find that money.”

Talking about your money fairly regularly – at least once a month – is one of the biggest contributors to creating successful money matches. With regular communication, things can’t spiral too far out of control before you deal with them.

You’d also be smart to look for the telltale signs of money matching while you’re dating. If he seems to blow a lot of money on you, buying flowers, taking you to expensive events, how will you feel when the cost of his wooing comes head-to-head with his credit card balance? If she’s demanding, with expectations that you think you’ll never be able to meet over the long term, why would you choose to rope yourself into an untenable situation? Just because the person you are currently seeing seems like the perfect match doesn’t mean there won’t be issues you have to iron out. If you don’t ask the right questions, you’ll end up headed down the road to marriage without every knowing where the potholes are.

Next: Protecting Yourself

It’s important that each of us know ourselves when it comes to how we think and feel about money. And it’s just as important if we’re planning to share our lives with someone else that we figure out if we’re a money match or a money mismatch. Not feeling the same about money doesn’t mean an automatic no-go. It simply means you know where the other guy is coming from. Yes, people who are less compatible can face more challenges when pairing off. But those who subvert their own money personality to match their mate’s are just asking for trouble. It can’t last. And when your mate finds out you’ve been pretending, it’s going to be a tough pill to swallow.

Coming up with a plan for how you’ll manage your money means negotiating a common ground.  You start by admitting who you are, how you feel about money, what’s important to you and what isn’t. Then you listen and accept the other guy’s open and frank discussions about what makes him or her tick. Finally, you work together to come up with a plan that keeps you both happy. If you can’t come up with the strength it takes to get through an exercise like this together, then you just shouldn’t even bother hooking up. After all, marriage is work and if you aren’t prepared to work hard, don’t even bother to start.

Money means different things to different people. In my book, A Woman of Independent Means, I talk a lot about how money can mean abundance or denial, power or autonomy, love or control. Are you a money miser? Are you a spender, an avoider, an acquirer, a depriver or a debtor? Have you ever sat down and thought about how your attitude to money affects how you experience life?

The reality is that it doesn’t seem to matter how much people earn, many of them are not happy with their financial lot. And when two people bring emotional baggage to a relationship – particularly the emotional baggage that surrounds money and that they NEVER talk about, the relationship can turn into a power struggle and life can feel more like strife.

One of the easiest places to start the conversation about money is talking about what you’re most comfortable with and what you feel is most risky. Putting on the table the things you need to feel safe is a natural part of the hooking-up process. And talking about the things that make you feel most unsafe is a natural extension. Since many money issues have a comfort/risk component, it’s easy to move from a general discussion to a money talk.

• How much money do you have to have in the bank to feel safe?
• Do you each know what your money set-points are?
• What kinds of investments do you feel are safe (for you) or risky?
• How much debt is too much debt?
• What kind of debt are you willing to take on?
• How much insurance is enough?
• When you have children, how will you keep those children safe financially?

As you get to know each other, you should be working to clarify each other’s goals. If it’s airy-fairy (I’d like to own a house), nail it down (what kind of house, where, when, how much house?)

You also need to talk about your different approaches to planning. For while one of you may be all spontaneity and impulse the other may be a structure freak.  Figure out what’s important to yourself and the other guy before you run into a wall.

Next: Common Problems

Loads of people have written to me about having mates whom they love but who are driving them nuts when it comes to managing the money. And the recent airing of the Guy & Julia episode has brought out the issue even more. The comments on the Til Debt Do Us Part Facebook page are very telling.

Some people seem to think that because a body doesn’t match yours when it comes to how you manage your money, your relationship is doomed. I think that’s only true if you don’t consciously make the effort to iron out your difference. Even people who are money matches have to work at making their relationship successful. Marriage is work! Don’t let anybody tell you different kids.

The problem is that most of us go into marriage all glowing and hot, never thinking about how we are similar to or different from our mates. Since the very idea of talking about money is anathema to romance, people just avoid the issue. And when you and your mate are on the same page about a lot of other things – how you’ll raise your family, the spirituality you share, the way you feel about life in general – money tends to be the elephant in the room.

Some people contemplating a long-term relationship don’t even know how different their attitude is from that of their mate. Later, when they clash, they can’t understand how they can be so far apart in their money personalities when they’re together on so many other fronts. Or worse, they think the conflict will “just work itself out.” Hmmm.

If this seems to be a bigger deal in today’s world than it was just a generation ago, it is. Once upon a time the majority of women did not work. And it was the rare woman who made more than her mate. So guys made the money along with all decisions about what to do with it. Now that our roles in life have changed, so have our financial expectations.

With double incomes the new norm, we think we can afford to have it all RIGHT NOW. The pressure to make a good show – drive a nice car, live in a beautiful house, go on vacation, wear gorgeous clothes  — is heavier than ever. We come to measure our lives with materialistic badges and the old saying, “He with the most toys wins” has become our mantra.

People – women in particular – are pulled in all directions. Since historically we have been the caregivers, we have yet to learn how to balance that against our new financial power as major contributors to a household. Sometimes we just let the other guy make the decisions and then seethe with resentment as we watch our partners screw it up.

You’d think that with both partners working there’d be more money to save. But often two incomes mean dueling wallets. With different money personalities, different agendas, and a tit-for-tat approach to spending, there’s more debt.

So what can you do if you’re getting into a relationship – or you’re already in one – and you and your mate aren’t money matches? Tune in tomorrow and we’ll talk about creating a money match. This is part 1 of 4, which will culminate with how to protect yourself if your better half is drop-dead determined to leave you worse off.

Here’s a note that came in from Mary this weekend:

Hi Gail – can you ask folks to post some more recipes – maybe stuff for the harvest time, fall time, canning, preserving, soups/stews, large batch cooking for families with kids going back to school – make enough for dinner, some for lunches the next day, freeze some? I’m always looking to share new ideas and recipes, and appreciate receiving the same. I’m wondering if we can’t remind people at the start of every month, perhaps, to post their faves. Looking forward to your new season.

For those of you who live in and around the Toronto area, remember that the Potluck Picnic in High Park is set for this Saturday (permit or no permit!) For more info, go to the Gail Clubs bulletin board and click on Pot-luck in the Park. Thanks again to Saver Queen for being the point girl on this. See y’all there!

We’re all trying to figure out how to manage our money. Sometimes we have the help of a good partner. Sometimes our partners are the problem. Sometimes they’ve got it right and it is we who are offside. Relationships are tough. When you mix in arguments over money, relationships get tougher!

M wrote:

How do my partner and I get on the same page? He is a spender and I am a saver. I work two jobs and he works one. We are on a DMP where I was told to make a little bit more to help pay debts that were mostly his (but jointly in our names) I’m really frustrated and tired and when I talk about money he says I’m nagging and getting upset over nothing. Any advice? I just want him to step into my shoes for a day.

Melissa, hand him the money to manage, put in your fair share, and stash away everything you can to build up your own safety net. Make sure you’re not jointly signed on the credit. If you are, get your name off. There’s no way to change another person… they have to want to change themselves. If he’s not willing to work towards common goals, you need to make sure you are stashing away a load of cash to take care of your needs in the future. Love is fine, and you should love him all you want. But don’t be blind to the impact his financial mistakes can have on your financial future. Protect yourself.

J wrote:

My boyfriend of over three years and I have started to talk more seriously about marriage and our future. I want to marry him but am nervous about his huge debt load and the possibility that it will take so long to pay it off that we will not be able to afford to have children or own a home anytime soon- he is just finishing up law school owing about $100,000 in bank, student and personal loans. With this economy the big law jobs right out of school are nearly extinct which will make paying off the debt that much more difficult. I’m a first year teacher with no debt whatsoever but again with the economy my job is not secure. As well may parents, who have worked very hard to teach me about being responsible with money and not getting into debt are nervous that if we were to get married I would legally assume half of his debt and that it would work against my excellent credit rating.

J, you are not legally responsible for his debt unless you sign on the dotted line for it. So don’t take it on. However, his debt will also affect your ability to borrow to buy a home, and may affect any assets you build together. So until the debt is paid off, don’t build up a lot of home equity, and don’t share your investments. Keep yours in your name. As for paying off his debt, he needs to find a job (or several jobs) that pay enough to repay that student debt. Because he has a professional degree, he should amortize the debt repayment over 10 years…That’ll cost him about $500 a month in interest, and he should put a minimum of another $900 a month to the debt for a total debt repayment amount of $1400. He may want to consider not only getting a job with an established firm, but going into business for himself. If he has the get up and go, he can create a good income and get that debt paid of lickety-split.

D wrote:

My husband and I make about 135000$ a year. We have 2 kids and no debt and no credit card balances. We put 15000$ a year in RRSP and I have a pension fund since I work for the government. We also have a college fund for our kids in place. We have a modest yet very satisfactory home and 2 used vehicles, which are paid for. Our problem is that we have very different views on budgeting and spending money. For example, I want to travel, my husband sees spending 5000$ on a trip every 2 years a waste. I find him to be very frugal with expenses pertaining to other members of the family, but he wants no limits on his own and gets upset when I question his spending. My husband finds I overspend. We recently renovated our home since we were having a second child it bumped our mortgage from 27000$ to 122000$ (this is the ONLY thing we owe anyone). I don’t think the amount is unreasonable, my husband doesn’t often let me forget that the renovations were for me and only me when we discuss budget allocation. Our problem is communicating about the finances without it being confrontational and accusatory. It seems it always ends in an argument. I thought that if we had money, made smart choices, and saved, money would not be an issue in our marriage. It turns out I was wrong. We have recently adopted your jars as a mode of controlling our budget. I’d hoped it would make a difference in our relationship with money. It has made me think twice about buying non-essential items. However, it has not helped us discuss family finances more effectively. Do you have recommendations on how we could sit and discuss our finances without it turning in an argument? I just want the constant power struggle to end.

I don’t often recommend this D, but it may be what you guys need. First, figure out what it costs to carry your monthly essential expenses… mortgage, utilities, saving for your children’s education, groceries,… you get my drift. then divide the cost proportionately… if you make 100K and he makes 50K you would split the expenses 2/3 you and 1/3 him. Put your “budgeted” amount into a joint account to cover everything for the “family”. Keep the rest of your money separate and do with it as you wish. Now there’s nothing to argue over.

Roxanne wrote:

My brother and his wife are bleeding my parents dry! After an early teen pregnancy with another woman (he has full custody), he never moved out of the family home. Meanwhile, he tried to start his own business, but it’s never really taken off. He doesn’t make enough money to pay for his rent-free lifestyle. A couple years ago, he and his new wife got pregnant. So now he has himself, the wife and two kids living in my parent’s home, he’s 33 and no intention of getting a job that will pay the bills and moving out. Plus, he and his wife are now having problems and most of the fights are cash related. My parents do make a lot of money and have been able to subsidize his life of slacking thus far, but they are moving towards retirement and should be finalizing those preparations, not bailing him out every time. How do I make my brother and his wife realize that they need to grow up and pay their own way?

Sorry Roxanne, I don’t think you can. And I don’t think it’s your job either. Clearly your parents are willing participants in this scenario, and you have no part in the whole thing. They get to say what to do with their money. And if they’re happy to have a son who can’t be responsible for himself and his family, that’s something they will end up paying for. You, m’love, must find something else to focus on. This one you can’t win.

Sandy wrote:

My husband and I have the same argument about our debt. We own a home and RRSPs plus RESPs for the children. When you subtract our liabilities from our assets we have almost $250,000 in equity. Would you still consider us to be in debt??? I say no. My husband says yes because we still own money on our mort. I would like to stop fighting about this!!

Sandy, the purists say all debt counts. According to The Book of Gail, if the mortgage is well in hand and on it’s way down, (you have to live somewhere), I count debt free as being “consumer debt free”. I am not a purist. I’m a pragmatist. That being said, the objective should be to have ALL debt gone by the time you’re approaching retirement (so I do have provisos) and if that’s not happening, I’d suggest it’s because a body isn’t taking the mortgage debt seriously.

J wrote:

My husband and I have separate bank accounts. He makes about 4x a year more than I do and has a wonderful savings account. He believes that we should split all expenses in half. I don’t think that is fair. What is a fair percentage for a husband and wife when paying bills/household expenses/travel, etc.? (we don’t have a mortgage, just property taxes.)

J, I believe equal is not fair when there is a discrepancy in income. You should be splitting your expenses proportionately to be “fair.” Combined, according to what you say, you have 5 units of money: You bring in 1 and he brings in 4. So you would split your expenses with you paying 1/5 and he paying 4/5. If he finds this intolerable, then you’ll have to negotiate.

Mary wrote:

My husband and I are DINKS in our 50s. We have been together for 20 years. We started watching your show quite a few years ago and you make a lot of sense. One thing I love is how you get couples working as a team on their finances. I used to work for a bank so it seemed natural for me to look after the finances. He always told me that numbers made his eyes glaze over and his head hurt. I started showing him our budget and our bank statements and he would just nod and tell me how good it looked (pat, pat… good girl! Grrr…) I have tried to simplify things and automate them as much as I can and he says that if anything happened to me, he would ‘muddle through’. But I’m tired of doing it all. I want to get him more involved and have him take on a share of the responsibility too. We have a consistent debt repayment plan in place (about $8000 owing on credit cards) and are slowly building an emergency fund. We were a little late getting started on RRSPs but are finally tackling them as well. We have a mortgage and I keep an eye on what percentage of our take-home pay goes where. I know we will be working past age 65 because of our late start and I am starting to research jobs we can do at that age and beyond. How can I get him involved and thinking about the big plan including our future and whatever retirement we can manage?

Mary, it’s pretty tough getting the guy who wants to ignore the money to pay attention. But you’re right, it is exhausting always being the dog on duty. You could:

1. Tell him just how important it is to you that he get on board and start participating in some of the decision making,
2. Pack it all up and hand it to him and say, “Honey, it’s your turn.”
3. Keep doing what you’re doing because, while you’re tired, it’s working.

Only you can decide what will work. Taking all your clothes off and refusing to get dressed until he has this conversation with you might work. But you may not be comfortable with that strategy. This is the part of my job that’s the hardest: trying to help people from afar means I know very little about who “they” actually are. What might work for Joan, won’t work for Harry or Betty.  I think the important thing to remember is that if this is really important to you, you need to signal to him that this is really important to you. You have to grab his attention. What’ll work? You know better than I.

ML wrote:

My husband is a clergyman, so we’ve always had to live very frugally. I went back to work 3 years ago after 10 years as a stay at home mom. We manage our money very well and after years of living in church owned housing, we saved and had $60,000 to put towards a down payment on our first home (we’re in our 50’s). But my problem is that we are TOO frugal. We do all the things you recommend. For years we have kept the sort of budget sheet you recommend and we try really hard not to go beyond the limits we set. But we are constantly stressed about going over and rarely go out and enjoy ourselves. I feel guilty every time I spend a penny, and feel that with all the hard work we do at our jobs, we deserve a break every now and then to go out for a nice meal or see a concert. But we almost never do anything like that. In spite of working hard at my job, I still make every meal we eat. So my question is: Can you be TOO good at managing money and never allow yourself any fun?

ML, you can be so focused on staying on track that you don’t allow yourself the fun that is part of what makes a life worth living. I’d recommend that you and your hubby go over that budget of yours and carve out $100 a month for fun: dinner out, a movie with the works, a trip to a concert or theatre, whatever pulls your crank. If you make the $100 work, and still have wiggle room in your budget, make it $150. The idea is to move slowly from saving every penny to having a little fun.

R wrote:

I have an interesting question for you…

• Stats:
• Male 45 – income 55K$
• Female 36 – income 32K$
• Mortgage – 6.35% – 117K$ – 16 years left – 480$ bi-weekly – house worth 300K$ [lots of equity]
• Line of credit – 2.50% – 11K$ – will be paid off in 1 year – mainly deck and home improvement projects.
• VISA – 6500$ limit – average 2K-3K$ – paid off every month – we buy all on VISA
• No interac fees – no bank machines fees – no bank fees.
• 1998 Honda Civic SI – 0$ owing – great shape
• 2000 GMC Safari SLT AWD – 0$ owing – great shape
• Kids – 1 – 16yo boy, 1 – 8yo gal

My wife is an accountant and keeps me in line, but she thinks we are in bad financial shape, and I disagree. We do not live beyond our means, but we have an opportunity and I ‘d like your opinion. I have always wanted a pool and now we have an opportunity to get one. We are renegotiating our mortgage early, as the rates have drop dramatically recently. We had 6.35% [8 years left] and can now get a 4yr @ 3.79% [saving 9K$ in 4 years after the 6K$ penalty -15K total]. Due to the fact we have a ton of equity and our line of credit is secured to our house, we have lots of flexibility available with this renewal. Right now we have 137K$ available on line of credit or for other loans. What I am proposing is to get a 35K$ increase on the mortgage at the new rate to cover a pool. This will almost exactly maintain our current amortization period and payments, due to the drop in interest rate. Here’s the question: Would you do this or say “pass” on the pool and get your debts/mortgage paid off sooner? Keep in mind that I and my kids will be too old to enjoy a pool when all the debts are paid off [mortgage].

Okay, it’s your turn to weigh in with all your wit and wisdom. What would you tell R?