Now it’s time to get down to the business of life. And if you want that life to be fabulous, you have to come to terms with your reality. While it’s wonderful to dream that you could make every day your wedding day where everyone does your bidding and money isn’t top of mind, it’s time to grow up and get real.

The only way you’ll be able to create a life that is satisfying and magical – yes, there is magic still to come – is to set some realistic expectations. Don’t just pull wishes out of the air and then hope that you can make them come true. “I want to own my own McMansion by this time next year” may be a little bigger bite than you can chew.  Instead, figure out what you really, really want, prioritize your goals and then create the plan to make it all come to pass.

Whether you want to own your own home, start a family or go into business for yourself, you need to break your goal down into manageable steps. Step #1: Talk to your partner. Now that you’re part of a family, you can’t go off half-cocked, assuming your buddy is on the same page as you.  You’ve got to talk about it. Sit down and discuss what it is you each want to achieve, and what kind of timeline you each have in mind.

Your new life partner may want to have children, but may want to wait a year or four until you’re settled in a home of your own. You, on the other hand, may be dying to get pregnant. Step #2 is to work out a time frame that meets both your needs.

Which brings us to Step #3: make a plan that let’s you achieve this dream without putting your new family at risk financially. Will you live on one income and bank the rest so you can save up for a downpayment on a home? Will you practice living on one income so that when baby does come along you have a big fat slush fund to supplement your paltry maternity benefits? Will you delay your family long enough to get your student loans paid off? Figure out what’s important to both of you and plan together to make your real life work.

Now that you’re married and moving forward together, you can use each other’s strengths to keep you on track. Share your dreams. Talk about your expectations. And make a plan that takes you from where you are now to where you want to be. Working as a team, you can make all your dreams come true.

3. How much credit do you use? This could be reflected in the number of credit cards she has added to that line of credit and the car loan. And don’t forget the student loans she’s been carrying around for the past six and a half years… so far.

A stack of plastic may mean your partner has a serious spending problem. Or not. It all depends on how much of that credit he’s using, and whether or not he pays his balances off in full every month.

Use a story to open up this conversation: tell her about a friend of yours whose girlfriend is deeply into her cards and only makes the minimum payments. Then volunteer some info of your own. Then say, “I think we should sit down and list all our credit, figure out which ones are working best for us, and dump the rest.”

If you’re marrying a dope with a ton of debt, have you agreed to take on that debt by helping to repay it? (Whatever you do, don’t sign for it!) If you expect your pal to clean up the mess before you get married, have you been explicit about it? Don’t fall into the “he should know that” trap. If you have an expectation, state it clearly.

4. How much research does he do before a big buy? This is another of those observable questions. If he’s about to drop a ton of money on a new vehicle, does he do some shopping around, or does he walk onto a lot and scratch his itch? Does she figure out what’s really important before heading off to buy something? Can he tell the difference between a want and a need? How often does she make wants a priorities over needs like long-term savings?

5. Does she keep her paperwork in order? Again, an observation thing. If she dumps her bank and credit card statements without even looking at them, run for the hills. Not only should some receipts be saved for tax purposes, some should be saved for warranties. And all receipts should come home and become part of the monthly accounting of where the money went. Speaking of which, does he have a system for tracking his finances? If he’s not on top of his money, are you willing to assume the role of financial gate-keeper so that the family finances stay on track?

6. Does he have an emergency fund? No. Is it because she hasn’t thought about it or because she honestly believes nothing bad can ever happen to her? Or are you her emergency fund?

The same goes for insurance of all kinds: life, disability and health. You open this conversation by talking about your benefits at work and which ones you’ll cancel once you’re “legal”. Talk about how much you each need to have stashed in a savings account to feel “safe”.  If your sweetie feels safe because he has loads of credit, explain how that doesn’t work for you since credit is just debt waiting to happen.

7. Does she have a budget? If he’s of the opinion that everything is buyable as long as you have room on your credit card, he’s not managing his money. If she thinks that as long a she makes her minimum payments on her debt it’s okay to keep charging stuff, she’s spending more money than she makes. Both are signs that there’s no budget anywhere in sight. No budget means no plan. No plan means a crisis somewhere down the road. Are you ready for a crisis? And another? And another?

If you have a partner who seems reluctant to share, you may have to make like Sherlock Holmes to gather the information you need. Not knowing is far worse than implementing a little strategy to find out what you need to know.

Some of the questions you want answered you don’t even have to ask. Let’s take the issue of a pocketful of cash: If your soon-to-be-partner walks around with a wallet full of cash is it because he’s flaunting his money or is she simply the type who likes to spends gobs without a second thought. Since debit and credit cards (when used correctly) help you track what you’re spending, unless your buddy is also walking around with a notebook or keeping track of receipts, cash may leaking through fingers with nary a thought. And with your eyes wide open, you can see this for yourself.

Some things you do have to ask about. Here are the first 2 of 7 questions you should get answers to before you take the walk. Keep in mind you don’t have to ask these all at once, leaving your pal feeling like a well-grilled wiener; a question here and a query there will get you all you need to know without scaring the pants off your honey.

1. Where do you bank and how long have you had your account? You can start this conversation off by complaining about your bank’s service or by praising it. Bank-bashing has turned into a national pastime so this shouldn’t raise any flags. Lenders often want to know how long you’ve had your chequing account because it speaks to your stability. You, too, should know if buddy has his accounts in order. While you’re at it, talk about overdraft protection. If she has it as a precaution but never uses it, she’s a smart cookie. If she lives in overdraft, that should be a red flag.

2. Do you have a pension plan at work, or are you saving for your own future? If your girlfriend has neither a pension plan nor any RRSP savings, what is she doing to take care of her future? If your boy has been blowing through his money without a thought to retirement, will you ever be able to convince him that saving is important? And if you can’t, how will that affect your long-term plans together? You want a partner who is thinking about the future as well as living in the present. If she just hasn’t given any thought to it yet, but is willing, you’re one up on the poor sod who is marrying someone who thinks HE is the retirement plan.

1. Who gets to decide? Couples have always struggled with how to save and spend their money. For the newly remarried this can be further complicated by their histories, particularly if spousal and child support are issues. To create a realistic picture of your financial state, keep tabs on where your money comes from and where it goes for about six months. Then you can make some decisions about how much each of you will contribute to the household, and how much discussion is appropriate (and who will prevail) when purchases are made.

2. Who we are with money? By the time we get to husband number two or three (or four), most of us have clearly defined money personalities that affect our decisions about education, housing, clothing, vacations, medical and dental services, investments and gift giving. Financial responsibilities are also a big part of this discussion. While many a newly wed may know that her spouse has financial obligations to another family (a previous spouse, a mother, or Great Aunt Lucy), living with the reality is often very different from the intellectual acceptance of that responsibility.

3. How do we use credit? While each of us may have a different money management style, understanding which styles are no longer appropriate in a new family is critical. If you’ve always chased the blues with a shopping spree, you may have to take up kick-boxing. You’ll also have to get a grip on the impact of past decisions on your new family. One that’s often overlooked is the fact that divorce financial settlements are not binding on creditors. If you and your former spouse continue to have both of your names on a loan or account, you are at risk for each other’s financial behavior. That means the new family is also at risk. So take an inventory of your financial obligations.

4. Where will we live? You’ll have to decide whose roof will work best. Or you may decide to both sell and buy a new home together. Keep in mind that if you’re staying in the same home, when you put more kids and more stuff under the same roof you’ll probably want to take a look at your insurance. From home insurance to car insurance — adding teenagers will be expensive so brace yourself — you need to do a full review. And if your divorce agreement assigns your former spouse as the irrevocable beneficiary on your life insurance to cover support responsibilities, it may be time to start shopping for new life insurance too.

5. Who gets what? You’re also going to have to deal with how your property will be distributed after death according to the law, the needs of your new family and prior agreements. Remarriage makes a will more important than ever. Biological or adopted children of first and remarriages are treated the same. While that may appear fair at first glance, when you consider the fact the first group is through college and the second set are only in elementary school, the picture changes. Most children expect money and property to follow a bloodline, not a wedding band. If you have a good relationship with your adult children, make time to talk over their concerns and expectations. And make sure you’ve clearly identified your position to your new spouse so there’s no misunderstanding about promises made.

Over time, the issues relative to merging your loves and your money will evolve. The issues you have to deal with initially will be very different than those that arise if you start having children together. Some of the things you should talk about may take some time to get to. And you may never be joined at the hip financially. But as long as you keep talking, keep sharing information and keep listening, you should be fine.

Y’know what, they’re all right. Every one of them has a point. But nothing they’ve said has changed my mind. I believe with all my heart that to be strong as a couple, you each have to be capable of standing on your own two feet. You have to be an island. Then be a peninsula.

Being on the same team means you’re going to set your goals together and help each other meet those goals. If one of those goals is to have a family, then together you have to decide how you will provide care and money to take care of that family. If one of you decides to stay home, that doesn’t mean the money-maker gets to make all the decisions about how the money gets spent or abdicate home-care responsibilities. But so often, that’s exactly what happens.

It also often happens that the non-working partner ties themselves completely to their mate financially. They share a bank account; there are no individual accounts. They share credit. One may even give up his or her financial identity completely. Hey, I’ve seen it. And it isn’t healthy.

I’m not saying your relationship is sure to bust. I am saying that to be good for each other and strong together, you each need to be taking care of the money – individually and as a team – and you each need to be independent.

You won’t both always want the same thing at the same time. If one person has more power in the family – financial or otherwise – the other’s needs will be swept aside. Not good for long-term contentment.

You must each be clear about what you need, want, expect from your relationship. And it can’t just be clear in one guy’s mind. You have to talk about it, negotiate the gray areas, come to a happy place where you’re each getting some of what you want.

Being an island isn’t so bad y’know. It is scary for some people. That idea of independence makes some people want to duck and hide behind words like love, and trust and honour and team. But independence doesn’t negate any of those things. It enhances them because each and every day you’re choosing to be together, not defaulting to togetherness because you’re trapped.

Once you see yourself as independent you can then talk about how you enrich each other’s lives.  You’ll talk about what you’ll do to make sure you have each other’s backs. And you’ll listen to each other because “together” isn’t the default. It’s what you get by acting like a team. Yup, now you’re a peninsula.

1. Hiding stuff from your partner. Ever gone shopping, brought home a bag of something, and hidden it from your mate? People lie about what they’ve paid for an item. They rip tags off their new stuff in the hope that it’ll blend in with all their old stuff. They keep secrets. If you can’t be open about what you’re buying, that should tell you something. If you think your partner is going to object to your spending, hey, listen up! And if you’re planning to mate and you haven’t sat down to talk about your money, you’re a fool, plain and simple. Communication is Job One in the survival of any relationship. If you can’t bare your financial soul to your partner, and if you can’t trust that person to tell you the truth, you should not be getting married.

2. Not having a budget. Whenever you combine two lives, two ways of looking at things, two spending profiles, you need to have a plan to ensure both bodies are on the same page about where the money should be going. Having come up with a budget you both agree to, it’s easy to decide what to buy and when. You simply ask each other, “Where does this fit in the budget?” If it doesn’t then you work together to make room, cutting a little of her golfing and his beer-with-the-boys to come up with the cash to make the purchase.

3. Putting one guy in charge. Often one person assumes the nitty-gritty of daily finances. Maybe it’s because one partner is more inclined toward these tasks. But when the other mate is excluded or totally abdicates responsibility things can turn ugly. Your partner may sail your love-boat onto a reef or grow resentful at always having to do the detail. Each of you should not only to feel involved in the big financial decisions but also understand the day-to-day details. Taking turns managing the spending journal and/or budget and having regular conversations so that both of you are clear about what’s going on means you’re both in the know and working to the same ends. It also means that one person doesn’t have to deal with all the crap, while the other merrily laughs off the stress and frustration with, “You’re managing the money, so this is your problem to deal with.”

4. Denying the Debt. Regardless of who has the debt, the impact on the family unit will be significant. If you can’t be debt free when you get hooked up, at the very least you should have is a plan for how you’ll get that debt paid off. Never sign for each other’s debt. When you do, you assume responsibilities that may choke you to death. If your buddy needs help pay off the debt, you can do that without putting your name on the paperwork.

5. Sweating the small stuff. Marriage is tough enough. Don’t spend your relationship getting your britches in a knot over every little thing. Figure out which battles are worth fighting and when negotiation makes more sense. If the small stuff adds up to big problems it’s usually because you don’t have a budget and aren’t on the same page when it comes to your priorities. One way to deal with the Money-of-My-Own issue is to allot each partner a weekly or monthly “allowance” that can be used for anything that body desires. Since the allowance is part of the budget, the plan stays in place while the individuals have some personal freedom when it comes to how they’ll spend their personal money.

6. Failing to plan for emergencies. While no one likes to think about bad things happening, bad things do happen… even to good people. Without a stash of cash at the ready to deal with whatever life throws at you, you won’t have the means to cope. One of the big upsides of joining up is that you’re able to act as a safety net for each other through life’s storms. But that doesn’t happen magically. And often couples over-estimate their partner’s ability to take over the entire financial burden should one partner lose a job, someone become ill, or the family suffer some other disaster. Every couple should have enough money available to cover six months’ worth of essential living expenses. And each partner should make it a priority to get adequate insurance coverage.

Communication and negotiation are the keys to dealing with money issues when you partner. And having some practical money-management skills to pull the whole thing off won’t hurt.

Married people have rights under the law that common-law couples do not. The matrimonial home, for example, is the place where two married people live together. It doesn’t really matter who put what into the home, or whose name is on title, as long as you’ve lived in the house together and you’re married, it’s considered a joint asset.  Not so for common law couples.  If you don’t officially tie the knot, property rights cannot be assumed. In fact, property that you bring into the relationship continues to belong to you alone, so the end of the relationship does not automatically mean a 50/50 split.

If you’ve contributed to the upkeep of the home, if you’ve had a hand financially in improving the property, or if you’ve made payments against the mortgage, you can try to get that money back by going to court. But it’ll take a trial to settle any dispute that can’t be handled amicably. That’ll cost big money; perhaps even more than you’re trying to recapture. And the only way you stand a snowball’s chance is if you have loads of evidence of your contribution: receipts, cancelled cheques, bank statements showing auto debits to pay the mortgage, and the like.

While cohabitation agreements may seem like a cynical CYA, they’re a better idea than leaving yourself exposed. Your cohabitation agreement can describe what you’ll contribute and how your assets will be divided in the event the relationship doesn’t cross the finish line. Cohab agreements are particularly important where there’s a significant difference in what each person is bringing into the relationship and/or will be earning during the relationship. And while not everyone is keen on the idea – as many aren’t on pre-nups – having the discussion is better than playing the “well, let’s just see how this turns out” game.

For the cohab agreement to have any teeth you need to both enter into it willingly and with separate legal counsel.  You’d be wise to identify which property you want to have treated as separate property, and how joint property will be split? Will it be 50/50, 60/40, or some other ratio that seems fair to both? Make sure you also identify which debts will be shared. Better yet, share no credit (except for the mortgage) and keep this aspect of your money completely separate.

If there are children from a previous relationship, child support is covered under the law, but you should talk about how their ongoing support will be handled. And if one partner will stop working, even though spousal support is also covered under the law, support should be negotiated as part of the agreement so that everyone knows exactly where things stand.

To save money on the legal execution of your cohabitation agreement, do your homework upfront, have the things you need to include written out, and then see a lawyer to talk about anything you may have missed. You can initially do this together, but then each of you will have to seek independent legal advice to make sure the agreement meets the test of not being coerced or one-sided.

I’ve suggested everything from keeping your money separate if your mate is putting the family at risk, to painting yourself with chocolate to get his or her attention. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Here are some of the more practical ways you can get on the same page.

If you’ve been operating without a budget on paper, now’s the time to create one. Sure, YOU don’t have to write everything down; you’ve got it locked and loaded in your brain. But your partner might not be as intuitive about the money.  Concrete folks need to see it in black and white before they’ll get it.

Since some people are very concrete, you might want to try doing what I’ve been doing on TDDUP: give your mate some representative form of money (can be a deck of cards with dollar amounts written on it, it can be money from a game, it can be coins that represent larger amounts of money, or screws of different sizes or … well, you get my drift) and have them figure out the budget using these very concrete tools.  It is truly amazing to see the look on people’s faces when they realize they’ve just run out of screws, cards, coins, whatever you’ve used to represent income. This approach makes the finiteness of money very real for people who usually just assume there will always be more money.

Having a jointly created plan on paper gives you a starting point for discussing how you’re managing the money. She’ll not only need a sense of the big picture, but the detail of a budget will help her see how all the pieces fit together. If you also create a calendar for which bills are paid on what days of the month, he’ll be able to pick up where you left off if you’re suddenly called away on business or have to go out of town to look after a loved-one.

Another great way to make the whole money-management experience real for your mate is to have him shadow you for a couple of weeks as you do things. You’ll be able to answer his questions in real time as he observes the process. She’ll see that when you pay the hydro bill, you make a note in your ledger that the bill has been paid, with the date and the transaction number in case hydro claims they didn’t get the money.

Over time you should transfer some of the responsibilities to your partner. Start slowly with the easy stuff. As her confidence grows, give her more to do. You’re aiming for the goal of having her do everything for a whole month while you simply watch. From that point on, you can take turns month by month or on a quarterly basis managing the money.

There, now you’re a team.

1. Establish WE INC.
Hopefully you started talking about the money before you got hitched, but if you didn’t today is the day.

Once you get married, get back from the honeymoon, or get the boxes unpacked, it makes sense to take some time  to have another chat, perhaps creating a mission statement that reflects your joint goals. Sure, you have individual goals, but this is where you talk about what you want to achieve TOGETHER. When will you buy a home? How much downpayment will you save? How must house will you buy? When will you have children? Who will stay home? For how long? How will you cover the income shortfall? How often will you go on vacation? Who gets to make the big purchase decisions? With or without the other guy’s input? You get my drift.

If one or both of you brought debt to the relationship, now that you’ve combined households your individual expenses should have gone down. Before you get used to spending that money, make a plan for using it to dig yourselves out of the hole.

You’ll also want to talk about how you’ll manage your money now that you’re a team, which will lead to…

2. Combine Your Cash
I’m not a big proponent of giving up your financial individuality, but I do believe managing joint expenses together makes more sense than just divvying up the bills. Making a budget together and having a joint account forces you to be accountable to each other, and keeps both people in the loop at all times. How much you put into that account and what you put through it is something you’ll have to negotiate.

3. Talk to Your HR Department
Will you add your partner onto your benefit plan? Can you claim from both? Do either of you have to pay? Assess what’s available to you now that you’re a family and make it work, as opposed to just carrying on cluelessly. You will also want to update your beneficiary designations for your insurance policies and retirement accounts.

4. Check Your Insurance
Very often marriage indicates “stability” and this can have a positive effect on your auto insurance rates. If you combine all your insurance with one carrier (for vehicle and home) you’ll pay less too. You’ll also want to change your beneficiary designations on your private life insurance. If only one of you has insurance, it’s time for the other one to get with the program!

5. Make or Update Your Wills & PoAs
Wills made before you were married carry no weight unless they were made “in contemplation of marriage”… Willsy Language for “you took your new mate into account.” If you don’t have a Will, its time to make one. Ditto Powers of Attorney for both financial and personal care. If you can’t speak for yourself, your mate should be able to voice your wants on your behalf.

Now that you’re firmly committed to each other — living together is a big step and getting married adds a ton of paperwork — you can no longer afford to have secrets, squash your little voice, or pussy-foot around. These aren the final few steps you need to take to make sure you’re covering your new family’s financial needs as you step off together on a new adventure.

Never sign for each other’s debt. When you do, you assume responsibilities that may choke you to death. If your buddy needs help pay off the debt, you can do that without putting your name on the paperwork.

“But he won’t be able to get a car if I don’t help him,” I’ve heard. Then he shouldn’t have a car. “But she’ll pay an outrageous amount of interest.” Then she shouldn’t take the loan. “We’re partners in everything.” Maybe that’s how you feel now, but how will you feel when (s)he doesn’t pull her/his weight on the debt repayment, and you’re on the hook for his or her past self-indulgence?

As for blowing your brains out on a big wedding when you’re walking around with a ton of debt, give your heads a shake! Wedding mania, exotic honeymoons, and a houseful of brand new furniture is wonderful, providing you have the money to pay for it. Going into debt for massive self-indulgence is down right dopey.

5. Sweating the small stuff. If you’re going to spend your relationship getting your britches in a knot over every little thing, you’re going to be miserable… for a long time. Or you’re going to get divorced. You have to figure out which battles are worth fighting, and when negotiation makes more sense.

If the small stuff adds up to big problems it’s usually because you don’t have a budget and aren’t on the same page when it comes to your priorities. It’s not unusual for couples to spend $30 a month here, $25 a month there, $60 on this, $97 a month on that, and when it’s all added up, it’s a whopping amount of money. If you’re tracking your expenses, it’s easy to decide what has to go and when to stop shopping.

One of the ways some couples deal with the Money Of My Own issue is to allot each partner a weekly or monthly “allowance” that can be used for any that body desires. Since the allowance is part of the budget, the plan stays in place while the individuals have some personal freedom when it comes to how they’ll spend their personal money.

Once you have a slush fund you can each spend as you wish without questions or recriminations, you can then agree that on purchases above a certain amount you’ll consult with each other before buying.

6. Failing to plan for emergencies. While no one likes to think about bad things happening, the fact is that bad things do happen to good people. If you don’t have a stash of cash at the ready to deal with whatever life throws at you, you won’t have the means to cope. One of the big upsides of joining up is that you’re able to act as a safety net for each other through life’s storms. But that doesn’t happen magically. And often couples over-estimate their partner’s ability to take over the entire financial burden should one partner lose a job, someone become ill, or suffer some other disaster. It takes a plan. And part of that plan includes creating a pretty hefty emergency fund. Another part includes reducing your risks in whatever ways possible. Every couple should have enough money available to cover six months’ worth of living expenses. And each partner should make it a priority to get adequate insurance coverage.

Communication and negotiation are the keys to dealing with money issues when you partner. ‘Course you also need some practical money-management skills to actually pull the whole thing off.

I am totally blown away by the people who are part of this community. I have received so many cards and letters wishing me a happy birthday. Yesterday when I got Catherine’s card I burst into tears. She’d spelled out “Happy Birthday Gail” along with about 20 or so other words that are part of my gestalt (including my kids’ names and my favorite foods!) on a scrabble board. Girl, you sure have been paying attention. And I loved the poem and the little orange bowls. I will use those to cook up a storm.  That card is going up on my wall!

I can’t possibly list you all, but I want you to know that every card, every note means the world to me. You’re a lovely bunch of coconuts and I’m glad to have you helping me to celebrate today. A couple of people sent pressies – again, thank you – and to Brenda who came to the Sudbury show just to give me my b’day card, I’m glad I got the chance to give you a hug.

1. Keeping secrets. I’m truly amazed at the number of people who hide stuff from their partners. They go shopping, bring home a bag of stuff, and rip off the tags – because, of course, their partners are morons and won’t recognize a new outfit when they see it. One woman shoved her new purchases in the laundry hamper first thing. Another kept her new purchases in the trunk of her car until she could slide ‘em into the house. Many people lie about what they’ve paid for an item because if it’s a good enough deal they can slip it past their buddy. And then there are all the folks who hook up only to find their partner is a financial disaster.

If you can’t be open about what you’re buying, that should tell you something. If you think your partner is going to object to your spending, hey, listen up! And if you’re planning to mate and you haven’t sat down to talk about your money, you’re a fool, plain and simple.

Communication is Job One in the survival of any relationship, and if you can’t bare your financial soul to your partner, if you can’t trust that person to tell you the truth, you should not be getting married.

2. Not having a budget. It isn’t going to come as a surprise to you that I think every couple should have a budget. Whenever you combine two lives, two ways of looking at things, two spending profiles into one, you need to have a plan to ensure both bodies are on the same page about where the money should be going.

Having come up with a budget you both agree to, it’s easy to decide what to buy and when. You simply ask each other, “Where does this fit in the budget?” If it doesn’t then you work together to make room, cutting a little of her golfing and his beerwiththeboys to come up with the cash to make the purchase. Working together WITH A PLAN beats the bejezus out of flying solo blind and bumping into each other.

A budget can be a relationship-saver when one of you is a spender and the other is a saver, since by having a plan you can address both your needs. It’s particularly important when you are both spenders heading to the brink of bankruptcy. Knowing where you stand financially means you can make informed decision about your spending without a huge debt hangover.

3. Putting One Guy in Charge. It’s not unusual for one person to assume the nitty-gritty of daily finances. It often falls to one partner to pay the bills, check the insurance coverage, decide on how to invest the retirement savings, figure out how much to put away for education savings, negotiate with lenders, pay the taxes… the list is virtually endless. Often it’s because one partner is more inclined toward these tasks. The problem is that when one person is excluded, or totally abdicates responsibility, it means the other can mess things up with no monitoring or grow resentful at always having to do the detail. It’s important for each partner to not only to feel involved in the big financial decisions but also understand the day-to-day details.

Taking turns managing the chequebook, and having regular conversations so that both of you are clear about what’s going on, means you’re both in the know and working to the same ends. It also means that one person doesn’t have to deal with all the crap, while the other merrily laughs off the stress and frustration with, “You’re managing the money, so this is your problem to deal with.”  (Yes, there are dopes who say this.)

Tomorrow: More Money Mistakes Couples Make

According to The Stats Man, between 1982 and 2001, 47% of Canadians spent more money than they earned. Imagine. Almost half of us were living on credit. This before the real ramp-up in credit offers and the subsequent crap that’s hit the fan. I shudder to think how many people are spending more than they are earning today.

Meet Dick. He’s married to a lovely lass named Debbie. Both are teachers. Debbie helped put Dick through school, earns more, and just had a baby. Dick thinks playing golf, gambling on-line, and having fun with the boys is the be-all of life.  Dick and Debbie are living well beyond their means. Debbie knows this. She’s distraught. Dick thinks Debbie is a tight-ass and wishes she’d loosen up.

I receive letters from the Dicks and Debbies of the world all the time.  Either Dick wants me to get Debbie to relax or Debbie wants me to knock some sense into Dick. I scratch my head.

Do people really know nothing about each other before they choose to marry? Do people honestly believe that if their partner is a Spendmeister before they marry, that they will become something other than a Spendmeister after marriage? Does anybody think that a conversation about goals, values and predispositions might be a good idea before you tie the knot, move in together, or in some other way make a major life commitment?

While we would like to blame credit cards and lines of credit as the culprits in the Oh-my-gawd-look-at-how-much-we-owe dilemma, the reality is that it is our own pre-disposition to spend that gets us in the hole. Yes, I think lenders have been both irresponsible and rapacious in their policies. But it is we, the consumers, who have allowed this to happen by accepting untruths like:

• you will always make more money, so you’ll be able to afford to pay it back,
•  you work hard, you deserve it
• credit is cheap, use it to get what you want and have a great life.

According to The Book of Gail, the number one rule is, “Don’t spend more money than you make.” Course, you’d have to actually know how much you bring home (not that “gross” number people like to banter about) to know how much you have to spend. You’d also have to know what your “nut” is: the basic monthly essential expenses it takes to keep body and soul together.  I’m astounded at the people who know neither.

It should be easy to bring the lesson home to Dick by telling him to make and live on a budget. But like many other Delusional Dicks, he’ll just leave important categories off or ignore expenses because they aren’t always present. “Medical costs, hey, we get those covered, we don’t need anything in this category.” “Home maintenance, hey, the house is practically new, we won’t have to spend a dime.”

The things Spendmeisters won’t give up are their personal pleasures. “Whaddaya mean I can’t go for beer with the boys after the game.” “Whaddaya mean I can’t buy that dress for the party.” “Whaddaya mean there’s no money.”

Delusional Dicks (regardless of their gender) cannot see the risks because they always believe the pie plate will land face up on the carpet. (While some people call this optimism, it’s delusion when it puts people at risk.) They can’t even conceive of anything bad happening, and they refuse to take any steps to protect themselves, never mind their families. Delusional Dicks wise-crack and rationalize their way through life until the two-by-four finally knocks ‘em flat, and then they blame something else, brush themselves off and move on.

So what do you do if you’ve partnered up with a Delusional Dick?

You could run screaming to the exits. A little money spent wisely with a divorce lawyer today could save you tons of debt.

Or you could say, “Hey, I’m taking control of this, you’re a moron.”  You’d assume the role of Mommy or Daddy, while your partner got to keep on being a child, creating problems you’d have to solve.

Or you could separate the money, each contributing to their own upkeep, each doing their own saving and investing. There would be no joint credit, no joint assets.  Delusional Dick would stumble eventually and – here’s the really hard part – you’d have to NOT bail him/her out.  It might not end well, but it might be enough to bring Delusional Dick into the real world. Only time will tell.

I’ve been married three times, and I haven’t had two husbands who’ve dealt with money the same way. It seems with every re-union, there are a whole new set of habits and preferences to learn about, and a ton of negotiating to do. It’s not a job for one sitting.

Yours, mine and ours: There’s no one right way to handle money in a re-marriage, but since you can’t escape responsibility for your partner’s decisions, you better talk about it. Some couples maintain separate savings and checking accounts, paying for their own personal and children’s expenses and sharing the costs of running the household. While they may still quibble over shopping habits, keeping some money separate leaves each partner free to indulge.

Who gets to decide: Couples have always struggled with how to save and spend their money. For the newly remarried this can be further complicated by their histories, particularly if spousal and child support are issues. To create a realistic picture of your financial state, keep tabs on where your money comes from and where it goes for about six months. Then you can make some decisions about how much each of you will contribute to the household, and how much discussion is appropriate (and who will prevail) when purchases are made.

Who we are with money: By the time we get to husband number two or three (or four), most of us have clearly defined money personalities that affect our decisions about education, housing, clothing, vacations, medical and dental services, investments, and gift giving. Financial responsibilities are also a big part of this discussion. While many a newly wed may know that her spouse has financial obligations to another family (a previous spouse, a mother, or Great Aunt Lucy), living with the reality is often very different from the intellectual acceptance of that responsibility.

Where credit is due: While each of us may have a different money management style, understanding which styles are no longer appropriate in a new family is critical. If you’ve always chased the blues with a shopping spree, you may have to take up kick-boxing. You’ll also have to get a grip on the impact of past decisions on your new family. One that’s often overlooked is the fact that divorce financial settlements are not binding on creditors. If you and your former spouse continue to have both of your names on a loan or account, you are at risk for each other’s financial behavior. That means the new family is also at risk. So take an inventory of your financial obligations.

Home safe home: Put more kids and more stuff under the same roof and you’ll probably want to take a look at your insurance. From home insurance to car insurance — adding teenage will be expensive so brace yourself — you need to do a full review. And if your divorce agreement assigns your former spouse as the irrevocable beneficiary on your life insurance to cover support responsibilities, it may be time to start shopping for new life insurance too.

Who gets what? You’re also going to have to deal with how your property will be distributed after death according to the law, the needs of your new family and prior agreements. Remarriage makes a will more important than ever. Biological or adopted children of first and remarriages are treated the same. While that may appear fair at first glance, when you consider the fact the first group is through college and the second set are only in elementary school, the picture changes. Most children expect money and property to follow a bloodline, not a wedding band. If you have a good relationship with your adult children, make time to talk over their concerns and expectations. And make sure you’ve clearly identified your position to your new spouse so there’s no misunderstanding about promises made.

Over time, the issues relative to merging your loves and your money will evolve. The issues you have to deal with initially will be very different than those that arise if you start having children together. Some of the things you should talk about may take some time to get to. And you may never be joined at the hip financially. But as long as you keep talking, keep sharing information and keep listening, you should be fine. 

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Wedding season is around the corner. Girls are going to be strutting their stuff in dresses that cost a bagful of money, and boys are going to wonder what all the fuss is about. The equivalent of a home downpayment will be spent on flowers, food, booze, and myriad other must-haves for the Big Day. Some people will spend DAYS getting married, hosting family and friends, and maxing out their credit.

Natasha, who does my makeup on the show, also does weddings and is looking forward to a banner season. Since we’re shooting on Tuesdays and Wednesdays this year, she’s free Fridays (Friday is the new Saturday) to make up all the brides and bridesmaids who need her skillful touch. And some won’t be satisfied with having her do the deed on the day; they’ll want a dry-run to make sure they’re happy. Money’s no object.

If there’s one theme running through the stories of the newly weds I’ve worked with it’s that a wedding that takes FOREVER to pay off is dumb. People will do the darndest things on their wedding days, or in the month’s running up to it. I worked with one woman who spent far more than she could afford just to prove to her much-despised family that she’d made it. Hmmm. Great way to start a new life with your partner, huh? Another couple I worked with had to invite half of Europe to keep the parents happy. But the parents weren’t kicking in to have all the family and friends flown in. Whazzup with that? Whose day is this anyway?

When you’ve been married as often as I have, you not only get good at wedding planning, you’re pretty determined to do it just the way you want. When I married my keeper-husband, Ken, we created our own vows and we were married in a park. It rained, an auspicious sign I was told. Convention was nowhere in sight.

Whether you’re getting married for the first time, or you’re jumping into the breach yet again, you’ll want the perfect wedding. But perfect doesn’t have to be expensive. It just has to be fabulous. So why are people prepared to take on gobs of debt to have a party that meets a bunch of other people’s expectations?

Your extraordinarily happy day doesn’t have to be the most expensive day of your life. Perfection comes at a price – not only financially but emotionally. You only have to take a gander at some of the Brides-Gone-Berserk TV shows to see just how off the rails you can go.

The first step to making your wedding work is to set some realistic expectations for what you want from your special day. You and your better-half-to-be should talk about what’s most important to you and your families. The next, and equally important, step is to establish a spending plan within which you will work. These two steps are closely tied together. What you want from your wedding will set the tone for how much you spend. And how much you have to spend should guide you in setting some realistic expectations. Making your dream wedding a reality shouldn’t mean digging a debt hole that will strain your new marriage; far better to eliminate some of the less important things. With a little creativity and some legwork you can make the day memorable in the most charming ways without a hangover of unmanageable bills.

If you invite the world and his uncle to your wedding, you’re going to be on the hook to attend a b’zillion weddings (and buy presents) when your friends and family reciprocate and invite you in return. I’ve just worked with a couple that, in the first year of their marriage, went to seven weddings. She was very embarrassed as she told about writing out a gift-card that included a cheque she knew would bounce. Wow! Why would people do that to themselves?

Everyone wants a visual record of this special day. But photographs or video can cost a small fortune: $1,200 to $5,000. If that’s out of your budget, get creative. Provide your guests with disposable cameras. Everyone taking pictures of everyone else having a fabulous time will create a memorable record of the event. If you have a friend who is especially good with a camera, request her services as a wedding gift. 

Spend $350 on a limo, or hitch a ride with mom and dad.  Spend $500 – $1,000 on a wedding dress, or let a friend or relative make it for you. Better yet, go retro and borrow a dress from a girlfriend, aunt or your mom. There now, you’ve taken care of the “borrowed” category (as in something old, new, borrowed, blue.)

Choose seasonal flowers rather than imported or green house flowers in your bouquets and centrepieces. Flowers that are not in season send costs up, up, up. Use your bride’s maid’s bouquets to adorn the head table and use the aisle flower arrangements from the ceremony as table centerpieces at the reception.

The reception is another good place to cut costs. For a small gathering of 30 people or so, have your reception at a restaurant – just don’t book it as a wedding reception. Reconsider the time at which you’re having your reception. A lunch, afternoon tea, finger-foods in the early evening or desert table will be far less expensive than the hip-of-beef-approach. You don’t have to offer every alcoholic beverage available under the sun. Stay away from mixed drinks. Go with a couple of wines (one white, one red) and a couple of beers (one domestic, one imported) and you’ll save tons.

While this last tip might not save you any money, it may save your sanity. Be ready to delegate jobs when people ask, “What can I do to help?” Write every job that needs to be done on index cards. Then when people asked what they can do, give them a card. Also consider naming a friend as your Wedding Director. On the big day, any questions, problems or complaints should go to the Director so you’re free to enjoy your wedding.

Review your spending plan frequently to keep yourself on budget. Here’s a simple budget worksheet that’ll show you the average spent, which you can use to manage your expenses.

It’s really easy to let enthusiasm spiral into huge costs. But with a little creativity and a willingness to do it yourself, at least in some areas, you can have the wedding day you’ve always dreamed of without having to promise away your first born.

I received a letter recently from a mom whose daughter is getting married shortly. She wanted to hire me to give her daughter a crash-course in money and life before the wedding. It got me thinking about what’s available out there in terms of advice for the soon-to-be-wed. So I took a look around. Sad to say, the information is patchy. Long on big, sweeping statements. Short on details, and even shorter on common sense.

I got to thinking about what I’d say to Leah if we had a chance to sit and chat. The result is a series of articles I’m putting up today to help people who are getting married to think about their money, their lives together, and how to plan for both.

Here’s a list of what I’ve got for you

So You’re Getting Married?

To Consolidate or Not to Consolidate?

We Inc.

Coming Clean

Choosing a Financial Guide

Our Wedding Budget Worksheet

The worksheet not only shows you what people spend on average for the various parts of their wedding, but it lets you estimate what you think you’ll spend and then record what you actually spent so that you can see how on- or off-track you are.

Now, you can choose not to use the budget worksheet. After all, this is a magical day, a day of dreams-come-true. You CAN have it all!

And then you can pay for it for a b’zillion years. You can give up on owning a home, delay having children, pay scads and scads of money in interest and wonder what the hell you were thinking when five years later you’re still not finished paying off your magical day, your dream-come-true. 

Have you seen all those shows about brides-gone-nuts? Is that what you think a wedding should be about?

My husband has a theory that people get married in front of dozens or hundreds of people so that they’ll feel the social pressure to stay together. If that’s why you’re having a big wedding, bank the money to pay for the divorce.

If you’re having a big wedding to make your parents happy, tell them to pay for the party.

If you’re having a big wedding so you can party until 3 a.m., get polluted without guilt, and make a general dope of yourself, have fun with that!

And if you’re having a big wedding because you just wanna, and you can afford it – there’s absolutely no debt involved and you already own your home – then go for it.

But if you’re going to be left with even fifty cents of debt, you’re an idiot and your partner should run screaming from the room right now. Go. Run. After all, who goes into debt for a fricken party?

Since I don’t want to be a wet blanket, I’ve said all I’m going to say about have a big, flashy, EXPENSIVE wedding. It’s your life and you gotta do what you gotta do.

BTW Leah, your mom sure does love you. She went through hoops to contact me and was very persistent. You’re a lucky girl. I hope you have a wonderful wedding, that all your dreams come true, and that you remember that everything that happens to us is a blessing because it makes us grow. Keep growing.

kisses, g