Mind Space
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
Ever found yourself with an hour or two with absolutely nothing to do? How about half an hour? Fifteen minutes. In today’s increasingly busy life it gets harder and harder to find time just to be. And yet, when we don’t, when we fill up every minute of every day doing stuff we just Have To Do, we’re like seagulls swooping down on stale bread, screeching and scrambling, jostling and fighting.
One of the couples I worked with this season had a very busy life. One of the things they needed to learn to do was find the time in the day for themselves and each other. It’s so easy to let that time slip away. But it is the downtime, shared and together, that will replenish their energy and give their lives the space it needs for their relationship to keep growing.
It wasn’t so hard once they became aware of how much time they were NOT spending on the small things that make a life manageable, that create the Mind Space to allow for joy, shared moments and breathing. She started to make herself breakfast, sitting and enjoying 15 minutes of quiet as she ate a simple meal, instead of stuffing food in her face as she headed out to the car. He became more aware of the amount of time he spent dulling out on video games.
Sometimes we fill up our lives up with To Do because we don’t want to be quiet and alone. We’re afraid of what might come out of all that solitude. So we over-commit and then run ourselves ragged trying to keep up with our over-commitments. Sometimes it is our inability to say, “No thanks.” We end up organizaing events for people we don’t really care about, schlepping to outings we really don’t want to participate in, or doing things because other people expect us to. And we watch our time evaporate as we pine for A Simpler Time.
Instead of “what can I do”, “where can I go” and “who can I be with,” Mind Space let’s us be with ourselves to experience a moment of thought and joy. We can create Mind Space whenever we want to, taking a moment to lean back and smile, stop and look at something interesting or beautiful, or just take a deep breath and really smell what’s going on around us.
It’s remembering that we can create Mind Space that’s the big trick. For as life intrudes and the demands around us raise their voices to propel us to our next thing we must do, Mind Space can become overcrowded with the weeds of Do, Do, Do.
Want to find yourself some Mind Space? Start by looking at what you do, who you do it for, how much time it takes and why you are doing it. Grab a piece of paper and make four columns with these headings:
- What I Do
- For Whom
- How Long
- Why
Now look at your life and figure out where your time has been going and if you’re doing things you really want to do. If you don’t know why you’re doing something, or the person for whom you’re doing it isn’t a really big priority, it’s time to do some trimming. And if your life if full of purposeful action, it’s time to whittle away some time so your can create the Mind Space you’ll need to maintain your energy and focus as you cope with your busy life.
Long ago I learned to say, “No thanks.” People don’t always like to hear it. Some people get downright belligerent! And sometimes I must fight hard to keep my Mind Space intact. When everyone wants a piece of you, only you can decide how much to give. Give too much to too many and everyone gets shorted. And you wear yourself out.
Figuring out what you love to do while taking the time to breath, to smell, to look, to love, to throw open your arms and embrace the quiet time with yourself will not only mean you’re doing what you want with verve, it’ll mean you’re happy with the spaces you’ve created so you can just Be.
October 16, 2009 at 6:13 am
An excellent post. I need my mind space back.
October 16, 2009 at 6:18 am
This is an interesting excercise. I don’t think I’ve ever assessed my mind space. I think this might help me reprioritize a few things things in life. Like is sitting around mindlessly browsing the web so important, when I could be spending that time with my wife doing something meaningful or enjoyable?
I think this might take a lot of work to consciencely think about how I’m actually spending my time and then go about trying to change how I spend that time. I am a creature of habit after all.
regards,
Jason
October 16, 2009 at 8:02 am
Like Jason said, I don’t think I have assessed my mind space. However, yesterday due to a new car pool arrangement, I had FOUR hours to myself! I would have been watching swim practice, not that I mind watching the kids, but it was such a nice feeling of being SPOILED because I had this extra time. I did not accomplish one thing, I am proud of it.
Again Gail, an awesome post!
Everyone have a great day!
October 16, 2009 at 8:28 am
Recently, I started doing yoga and taekwondo with my wife. We both love the time we spend together doing these activities, and while they require us to leave the house, we both feel like we’re maintaining our Mind Space since we’re able to enjoy what we’re doing.
Last week our 2-year old flat screen TV broke. Instead of replacing it or paying $300 to fix it, we’ve simply moved it into the bedroom from the living room, rearranged the furniture in the living room so that it isn’t focused around the tv that is no longer there, and now we’re finding ourselves listening to more music, CBC radio, and reading the evenings and nights away. I’m not so sure that I want to get the TV fixed (except that I’m missing TDDUP)! We go to bed earlier, wake up more refreshed, and to top it off, my wife is preggo so she needs it! One’s Mind Space is certainly something that you have to actively create.
Thanks for the post, Gail!
October 16, 2009 at 8:53 am
This post is a reminder that despite all of the things that happen in life, we need to take care of ourselves. If any one person has made their life so busy that they don’t have time for themselves, it makes me wonder if there are other underlying issues that they’re running away from.
There’s nothing that is so important in this life that we can’t take time out from to allow us to regroup. For those that have a full-time job and bring work home and seem to be always connected to the office, here’s a new perspective – if you were to die today, what makes you think that your desk wouldn’t be filled tomorrow by someone as equally or more qualified than you?
Life is short. Live it and enjoy it, not recklessly but in happiness.
October 16, 2009 at 9:21 am
Dave – unrelated to topic but what make / model tv was it? It shouldn’t breakdown in under 2 years. I’m thinking about buying a new one, replacing my 10 year old monsterly heavy tv.
October 16, 2009 at 9:36 am
@ Dave,
.
You can catch back episodes of the previous 8 seasons on slice.ca on the internet. I don’t subscribe to an expensive cable package so don’t get slice.ca as part of my regular viewing but started watching from episode 1 (full episodes) online (if you aren’t already aware). You should definitely tap into your mind space now before baby arrives
@Moneycoach,
I’ve often told my older brother who is a workaholic (not only at work but when at home – he can’t sit still) that when you are on your death bed, do you really think you’ll be thinking “I shoulda spent more time at the office?” Not likely; as we all seem to lament how we don’t have any free time and if we did – we’d spend more of it with friends and family.
I learnt long ago to politely beg off invitations if I really didn’t feel the need to attend an event that wasn’t for me – you catch a lot of flack because so many people really wish they could say no and not feel guilty. I’ve come to appreciate the ‘mind space’ in my life and often will do housework, prepare make-ahead meals, laundry and putter in absolute solitude –the tv is turned off, the radio is not on (nothing but absolute quiet) – it is very centering and calming on the mind, body and spirit (ok, so I’m single and don’t have to deal with kids running round).
October 16, 2009 at 10:10 am
My partner and I (who are both known workaholics) have had discussion on how we want to change our work habits when we decide to have kids. We are both teachers and can be at school sometimes til 6pm regularly. We are not sure we want to do that when we have kids, but we still want to be involved with our extra curriculars. We will see how that all turns out
Now my partner has started a new after-school course. He comes home miserable sometimes and just plain beat (its a huge course that is more than just teaching, and the kiddies are not doing their part yet to make a long story short). I’ve said that if this continues the whole year, perhaps this course isn’t worth it in the future. As moneymagnet said, when you are on your deathbed, are you really thinking about work? Generally it is quite the opposite.
October 16, 2009 at 10:17 am
Here is a link to a great article that ran in in Real Simple magazine recently – 10 Ways to Enjoy Doing Nothing by Tom Hodgkinson, one of the founders of The Idler magazine.
October 16, 2009 at 10:17 am
Geoff — it is a Panasonic TC32LE70. I had it serviced within warranty once for a firmware upgrade becuase it wasn’t always turning on. Now something fried and blew the fuse. I’m trying to get Panasonic to fix it for me, but I’m still waiting to see what “management” has to say about the idea of an out-of-warranty repair.
moneymanagement — thanks for the heads-up about the slice.ca resource! Happy TV on the internet!
I can’t wait for Princesses!
October 16, 2009 at 10:20 am
This is such an important topic Gail – I’m glad you posted something about it. I love my mind space. I find it helps keep me centered and gives me time to unwind from the day. My boyfriend and I are working similar hours, except that he often works a lot of late evenings to help get projects finished. What that means is I have easily an hour and a half to 3 hours of time between when I get off work and when he gets home. This allows me to wind down form my day, enjoy some solitude with a book, or class reading, get some home work and some homework done and really relax. Oft times this is the time I use to have a bubble bath after a particularly difficult day with clients and bosses, and means that I’m much more agreeable when he arrives home – and much more open and perceptive to him.
I also enjoy my weekends, in much the same way, making sure to schedule anything for after lunch, so I can enjoy a lazy, relaxed morning in my own Mind Space before heading out to any commitments. this gives me the time i need to reflect, to plan my day, to enjoy breakfast with C, to discuss life and goals with him, or to simply pick that book back up and get through that juicy part and not feel robbed of that ability. Some of my friends have expressed a disdain for starting the activity later, but I’ve found that that’s because their Mind Space time is usually around 4:30pm – so I make a compromise on my morning, so we both can have some down time in the afternoon.
In regards to saying no thank you – I try to make sure that when I have to say No it sounds like this… “Oh Michelle, I’m already booked for that day, so I will have to decline, but please make sure to ask again if anything like that happens in the future, because I truly would have loved to have done that with you.” It is always the truth when I say this – and lets the person know that I’m not declining because I don’t want to spend time with them – it’s just that I accepted a similar invitation for that day already. Here’s the thing – there can be times when you just really don’t want to spend the time with anyone but yourself – for those times I say, “Oh thank you for the invitation, I’m not available that day though.” Often times I get asked what I’m up to. If I have nothing but want the day to myself I simply say that I’m scheduled for appointments that day and have already rescheduled them three times. The appointments I have are with myself to accomplish reading, or cleaning, or something I’ve been putting off for a while, and the rescheduling has come from the acceptance of last minute things with people that I didn’t otherwise know were happening but wanted to do. When I next speak to that person they always ask how the appointments went – and if I finished that book, or cleaned that room out or accomplished all that I had wanted to do with myself that day, when the response is that they went really well, and I got a lot accomplished, they appreciate the no more because it was fruitful. If i got stuck with something, or things took a lot longer than I thought, I let them know that too – I just don’t say the stove cleaning took longer than I thought, or that book wasn’t that good after all! I try to make sure i’m scheduled in with myself at least one weekend and week day for something I want to do – kickbox, curl, have a bubble bath, read a book, spend time with C – that way I book myself time in the way I book in friend days or client appointments. If it’s blocked out then I’m not prone to double booking or going without my Mind Space time.
October 16, 2009 at 10:39 am
As far as panasonic TVs..the plasmas type into google the red blinks of death,panasonic plasma trouble ec and wow.
Many panasonic owners are having issues with these TV’s.
Even mine had major issues.
October 16, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thanks for this Gail!
I am the absolute WORST for over-booking myself and not having time to just be alone. I will admit that I’m a pushover, and I find it nearly impossible to say no to people.
For example, I teach music lessons outside of my regular job. It’s something I love to do, in addition to giving me a little extra spending money each week. However, I have more and more students calling me for lessons, and I just can’t seem to say no. I have a couple of friends that refer students to me, so I feel like I’m letting them down by not taking them on.
My full time job is also very demanding (it’s actually more like a full-time-and-a-half job), and sometimes makes it difficult to fit in all the lessons I have to teach. The end result is that I run myself ragged trying to fulfill all my obligations, and I have no time to unwind and sort myself out. I’m single, no kids, no pets and no family in town, which is probably for the best. I don’t have time for myself, let alone anyone else!
So thank you Gail, for helping me put things in perspective. Sometimes I worry that I’m selfish for wanting to just sit at home by myself and do nothing, but you’ve convinced me that that’s not the case.
October 16, 2009 at 11:42 am
Sweet! You know, usually I read your blog and think hey… I need to adjust A or B to get to C. But for once, this is something I’ve got nailed down. The seagull analogy was perfect, often my DH and I watch our friends act like seagulls and have a good chuckle. Sure everyone thinks we’re “boring,” but our life is full of loving each other and our new daughter. When we first got together this concept was entirely lost on my honey, but now he has seen the light of “mind space” as you call it. Apparently that’s one of the things that made him fall in love with me… was that I could “slow him down…”
Often times I think of the life my parents generation or even my grandparents generation would have lived. Times have changed so much, maybe I’m a tad nostalgic but its the only counterbalance I have to that ridiculous world out there!
October 16, 2009 at 12:42 pm
So is there a tv brand any of you guys would recommend? I had an old RCA and has been repaired twice in 10 years, which seems a lot to me (basically spending $250 twice to repair a $1000 tv, spread out over 5 years each though).
October 16, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I have to constantly remind myself so slow down and take in everything around me instead of just GO GO GO all the time. My newborn baby is only going to be a newborn for so long and I need to spend as much quality time as possible with him.
Thanks for the excellent post, Gail!
October 16, 2009 at 1:53 pm
It seems everyweekend there is SOMETHING going on! (But at least it’s not every night like some families.) We don’t have the kids enrolled in anything, and my husband has to go to bed at 8-something weekdays because he needs to get up very very very early for work.
We don’t have a TV upstairs, just one in the family room. Some evenings after dinner, there isn’t time to even turn it on before getting ready for bed. The whole family hits the hay at the same time as daddy, it’s just easier that way, but it makes for a dull evening.
And still somehow we don’t seem to have time to have a life outside family events…. Sometimes I pine for extra-curricular activities of my own… painting, pottery, yoga — something! But this terrible bedtime always messes it up. I just can’t expect my husband to work those nasty long hours and then come home to house work and getting the kids ready for bed too. My daytime schedule is much more relaxed, but still stuffed with never ending chores and household/business duties and work deadlines.
How is it that in this age of conveniences, we seem to have so little time?
I will try the mind space idea… should be enlightening.
(PS saying “no” or “I’m sorry I already have plans” has never been an issue for me)
October 16, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I’m a bit in shock hearing the TV tales. I have a 13 yr old 27 inch Sharp that has never needed maintenance or repairs. Bought it for $500.
Guess I’ll never buy a Panasonic. Thanks for the heads up on that.
October 16, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I am in dire need of some Mind Space myself. Thank you so much for the reminder, and the practical suggestions. Now I just need to find someone to take the 1-year-old off my hands for 20 minutes.
October 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I love my mind space – and have always had it – even when my kids were babies. My husband is awesome, and has always shared the responsibilities around the house, and this has enabled me to have me-time very often. For those with young babies, make sure you get some time for yourself – you definitely need it (for the health of you and your family). Every night, when I go to bed, I pick up my novel and read. I love to wind down my day with a good book, and lose myself in the story. Keeps the day to day stresses at bay when I need to relax for a good night’s sleep.
As for TV’s ours is a 20 year old 27″ Fisher – bought 2nd hand over 10 years ago, and no problems (knock on wood). No need to buy a new one (especially after reading about the problems on here!)
October 16, 2009 at 5:04 pm
This is something I learned a couple years ago. Only I called it ‘me time’ and ‘family time’ but same idea. Time out to reflect, be quiet and relax and declining things we don’t want to do and don’t want to be guilted into. I learned saying “Sorry, no thank you” years ago and it is simple, easy and hassle-free. I feel no obligation to elaborate to people when you say it with a sweet smile. There’s only 24 hours in a day. Every day I’m truly grateful and blessed that I have another day on the earth to be with my husband and kids. No one knows how many decades or days they have so be cautious about spending time the way you truly want.
@Amber-if your little one naps..sneak into a bubble bath and relax in the middle of the day. It’s not weird. It’s refreshing and can give you the mind space you need. I do this when I can and it feels decadent(because it’s in the middle of the afternoon) I always breathe easier and enjoy MindSpace. : )
October 16, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Just want to add that, like another poster, I decline invitations by saying, “Sorry, but I’m not available” or “we already have plans” as a socially acceptable form of saying “no.” (In fact, all my voicemail messages say “I can’t take your call right now” and I screen calls at home.) Also, re the link to the list by Tom Hodgkinson’s posted above: in addition to The Idler magazine, he’s also written a book, How to be Idle, which, like his other book How to be Free (and believe me idleness and freedom are related) is brilliant. Many of Gail’s readers, focussed on the difference between wants/needs and what it takes to be truly happy, would enjoy these books.
October 16, 2009 at 6:39 pm
My mind space time is when my 3 year old son has a afternoon nap, i’m lucky in that he still does nap, sometimes I sleep too if i feel I need a rest and at others I read a good book.
I get lost in my own world or i should say the authors world when I read, my partner often has to say something more than once to get my attention.
I also find simple joy in just washing my hair and having a quite moment, sometimes I wonder how the world got the way it is we as a society have progress in alot of ways but we have also regressed in others it’s sad.
Every one have a great day
October 16, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Great post, as always, Gail. I have a tendency to fill my life up with commitments – mostly because I am training for a new career on top of working full time. I am sure to schedule 1 full weekend day where I have no commitments, and am moving into ensuring at least 1 weekday evening is free as well. We all need downtime, to reconnect with ourselves.
I could always use a nice 2 week holiday, too, but we’ll see how the budget is in a year.
October 16, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Has anyone figured out how to have Mind Space at work? In my department, we try to find Mind Space because we know it’s important on many levels. Management has apparently told someone in my department that we should not drop our involvement in any of the committees/working groups/meetings we are currently involved in, despite the increasing workload and decreasing staff numbers. So we’re expected to keep up with heavy workloads PLUS attend various meetings of questionable relevance to us.
Maybe I should say to my manager “Gail says I should say no to commitments for people who aren’t a high priority for me.” Think that will go over well?
As for the TV conversation…we have a Sharp Aquos. We bought it about 2 years ago and we haven’t had any problems with it. You’ll have to ask my hubby for the specs but it’s about 52″ and it’s got a great picture.
October 17, 2009 at 6:49 am
@tv conversation i would never buy a panasonic tv again. after our wedding 7 yrs ago we bought one of the old flat screens (you know, the conventional tube tv with the flat front) it was $800 and it lasted 2.5 years. brand name does not always mean better.
now we have a “westinghouse” LCD – its going on 3 years now and so far so good.
what happened to the days when you could have the same tv for 15 yrs?
October 17, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I actually lost my ‘mind space’ time when I switched jobs–used to get home 1.5 hours before hubby, and loved to just relax and wind down. Now he’s almost always home when I get there, and it irritates the jeebies out of me. Bit of a frustration.
Hubby HATES mind space. Is always doing something, even when he’s having a bath, he’ll be reading a book. I tried to ask him once why he didn’t like to be alone with his thoughts, and he said ‘I already think enough’. Worries me a little–what’s he so afraid of by being still for a while?
Re: TV’s–we had a Sanyo REALLY HEAVY flatscreen for about 8 years before we sold it (too massive for our new place)–never had a problem with it. Our new one, a Samsung 40 inch LCD, (paid for in cash from inheritance money) works fine so far, but we also haven’t had it that long.
I hear Sony’s are supposed to be very good, but that plasma’s have more problems generally than the LCD’s.
October 17, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Geoff
if you can get a Sony 36″ crt the last trinitron flat tube model in mint shape buy it.
my plasma was going to cost $746 at less than 20 months old
They dropped it to $246
It still took them 3 weeks of trying different boards.
Follow this thread right thru:
http://www.avsforum.com/avs-vb/showthread.php?t=1001318
October 17, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I am the ‘yes’ woman both in my personal and professional life. I historically never say ‘no’, regardless of how it may stress me out or cut into my time. This all changed recently I received a diagnosis of an illness that prevents me from being able to continue my life as it was. All of a sudden I can’t be the ‘yes’ lady…it was a struggle for me. It took me a LONG time to realize that I need to take care of myself and my relationship with my partner. Right now I am unable to work so my days are very vacant. I have lots of mind space. But for the first time that I can remember I am doing things for me and not just neccessities. I am learning to enjoy peace and quiet instead of feeling that I constantly needed stimulation.
October 18, 2009 at 9:05 am
I agree with moneymagnet, once you start saying “no, thank you” you get a lot of flack, probably because other people feel guilty that they can’t seem to say “no”. Why are we raised on guilt? You hear it everywhere “take care of yourself” but then we don’t do it. We even feel guilty when we’re sick!
October 18, 2009 at 10:32 am
I have never filled my time with obligations I had no desire to attend. I work full time and go to school part-time, my only son is grown up and gone. I moved out west 2 1/2 yrs ago from rural NS and it was always “I wouldn’t move out there, its too busy”, “city life is too fast-paced”…my response has always been life is as busy as you make it. Yes, some factors may be somewhat out of your control such as traffic but there again you decide where you are living and truly I have found living here in Edmonton doesn’t have much in the way of traffice issues except with construction which is the same everywhere. My life is no more hectic or busy in the “big city” than it was living in the boonies. Life is about decisions, work we don’t have as much control but once past workplace doors your time is yours. I find people spend far too much time attached to blackberries and cell phones. Turn them off and set them down. Not only is it incredibly rude to be on a cell phone talking or texting meanwhile completely disregarding those you are with, or others around you such as in restaurants, stores and yes even in the library but you are robbing yourself the time that should be spent with just yourself or those you are already with. I love my quiet time and curling up with a good book is my idea of heaven. I just do not let unnecessary obligations take up my “me time”.
October 22, 2009 at 11:46 am
Yours – Lola xxxWriting is all about making sense of life, but sometimes it just doesn’t. ,
October 23, 2009 at 9:16 am
This is a remarkable scandal. ,