Money Matches — Part 3: Common Problems
Posted by Gail | Filed under Money & Family, Relationships
Believe it or not, not all the arguments about money stem from not having enough. Sometimes it’s a control issue. Martha always wants to know how much money there is in the bank and so she won’t let Jason have access to the account because she’s afraid he’ll spend money she’s allocated elsewhere.
Sometimes it’s a difference in goals. Kevin wants to have fun. They’ve got a good pension plan and they have secure jobs that pay well, why can’t she just leave him alone now?
From my experience working with couples, the following seem to be the things people most often fight about. Feel free to add to the list. If you’re contemplating a commitment to a mate – or you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you feel it’s finally time to address these issues — you might want to talk about these right off the bat:
- Who will be responsible for keep the account(s) in the black, and how the other person will help.
- Who will pay the bills, and how the other person will stay in the loop.
- The similarities and differences in your spending styles, and how you will deal with them.
- Ditto your approaches to saving.
- How you will deal with changing/conflicting priorities: moving for one partner’s career, having children, retirement.
- How you’ll invest, who you’ll invest with, and how you’ll deal with different investment personalities…she’s a safety freak and he likes to take more risk.
- How much debt you’re each comfortable with, and how you’ll decide whether something is worth going into debt for.
- How your emotions affect your money management. Some people go shopping when they are sad. Some people go into complete avoidance when faced with an unpleasant financial activity (think paying your taxes). And some people spend to please others.
- How you will show you are listening to what the other person needs you to hear.
This last point is important. If I had a penny for every time I heard, “She won’t stop shopping. She won’t hear me when I say that there’s no money.” Or this one: “My husband has no idea how much it costs to run a family.” These are classical examples of “He/She just won’t listen.”
The key to making any discussion about money work – including addressing the inherent differences in your approaches to money – is to demonstrate that you respect where the other guy is coming from. If there are issues that consistently crop up, then you’ll have to take a deeper look at the attitudes that may be contributing to those issues. But all the way along you need to be supportive and accepting of the person – and deal with the behaviour separately.
“Buddy, I know you need to have some fun with your friends. But I need to know we’re not going to miss the mortgage payment. How much do you think is reasonable for fun money for you every month? Okay, let’s look at the money we have and our expenses (hey! that’s a budget!) and see where we can find that money.”
Talking about your money fairly regularly – at least once a month – is one of the biggest contributors to creating successful money matches. With regular communication, things can’t spiral too far out of control before you deal with them.
You’d also be smart to look for the telltale signs of money matching while you’re dating. If he seems to blow a lot of money on you, buying flowers, taking you to expensive events, how will you feel when the cost of his wooing comes head-to-head with his credit card balance? If she’s demanding, with expectations that you think you’ll never be able to meet over the long term, why would you choose to rope yourself into an untenable situation? Just because the person you are currently seeing seems like the perfect match doesn’t mean there won’t be issues you have to iron out. If you don’t ask the right questions, you’ll end up headed down the road to marriage without every knowing where the potholes are.
Next: Protecting Yourself
September 16, 2009 at 5:59 am
[...] Overall, some great money management tips in this blog posting. [...]
September 16, 2009 at 6:01 am
[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptBelieve it or not, not all the arguments about money stem from not having enough. Sometimes it’s a control issue. Martha always wants to know how much money there is in the bank and so she won’t let Jason have access to the account because she’s afraid he’ll spend money she’s allocated elsewhere. Sometimes it’s a difference in goals. Kevin wants to have fun. They’ve got a good pension plan and they have secure jobs that pay well, why can’t she just leave him alone now? From my experience w [...]
September 16, 2009 at 6:40 am
I’m excited to read tomorrow’s finale of this series Gail, not only in terms of protecting myself from my spouse, but from others AND myself. After completing my budget into July 2010 this weekend I was so excited to see the debts paid down and even off while building savings. Then yesterday a shiny new offer arrived in my email from one of the point-collectors and I started getting almost woozy with the thought of using what I have saved in one account to blow on something that I certainly don’t need, but want.
Thankfully I shook my head and stepped away from the computer (but I did save the email, just in case).
When my husband and I got married we were both debt-free except for car payments. Then came a child, then a house, then debt. We had the discussion during a pre-wedding weekend session, but we were so focussed on the whole wedding, we agreed to whatever the other said cause it got us our certificate and we were done. Needless to say with the children and debt we accumulated, we realized we both have very different styles, and 15 years later we’re still working on it.
I just know that retirement’s going to bring a whole new ball of wax to discuss, because he’s a payer-offer and non-saver, and I’m a saver and pay-off-when-money-trickles-in. In any event, we’re still hanging in for richer-for poorer, so hopefully with each month my savings grows and I show my husband, he’ll want to start saving too…someone has to help pay for all the extravagant travel I want to finally do in my life when I retire at 80 right?
September 16, 2009 at 7:43 am
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September 16, 2009 at 8:44 am
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September 16, 2009 at 8:55 am
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September 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm
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September 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Dear Gail
I love what you do for the debt burdened . We watch your show (tv ) but sometimes it’s really hard to watch . My wife and I have sometimes been in tears to see what has become of so many families . We do not need your help as so many others seem too. Suzy orman taught us many years ago how to get out of and stay out of debt . I have also been reading garth turners blog . The reason that I am writing you is the subject of the reverse mortgage and what it is doing to our seniors .Garth for some reason (he says that it’s a bad idea so he ignores it ) his words . Yet now he is planning to get elected as a liberal . I guess he does not need our seniors votes . If you could give this subject a little time and thought we would be greatful . If you already have please disregard .
September 16, 2009 at 10:47 pm
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September 17, 2009 at 5:41 pm
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September 23, 2009 at 12:58 am
Gail, i don’t know if you are know any Catholics, but we are required to attend pre-marital classes. one of the topics is money b/c it’s the number one issue that couples fight about. anyhow, they had a list of questions and advised us to go through them once a year. one of the ones we had which i thought was great was: how much money can one person spend without a discussion with the other partner? i think a lot of surprises/fights can be avoided if couples decide on a number and adjust at ‘family meetings’ periodically as circumstances change.
November 12, 2009 at 8:57 am
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