Expectations
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
I’m on a journey. Those of you who read my blog regularly know that I’ve been through some significant changes this year. One of the things I doing is defining what I really want. Here’s my list:
- I want to be happy.
- I want to love and be loved.
- I want interesting work and to be useful.
- I want to learn new things.
- I want to learn to live in The Now.
As part of this journey, I’ve been exploring the whole idea of staying in The Now. I’m learning lots. And I’m uncovering some interesting info about myself as I go. As I was listening to Pema Chodron’s book, Getting Unstuck, I realized that one of the things I have to learn to deal with is “expectations.”
It occurs to me that when I feel overwhelmed by the expectations people have (or I perceive people have) of me, my tendency is to bolt. I want to escape. The pressure is just too much. And yet I seem to have no problem having high expectations of others. I’m working on that!
Some would say that the solution to this is to turn expectations around and simply expect that things will go wrong. I’m not that kind of pessimist. And it would seem, in keeping with the idea of living in The Now, the answer is to have no expectations, but to simply accept what is as what is not.
No matter how well you plan an excursion, a party, your debt repayment plan, your budget, or your daughter’s birthday party, know that things may run perfectly smoothing, may get royally messed up, or land somewhere in the middle. The important thing is to stay in the moment and deal. Panicking, getting angry, or going over the top in frustration won’t help. Looking at what you have to work with and making an adjustment to your plan will.
When it comes to teaching your kids about money, or anything else for that matter, it’s helpful to remember that they are learning and that means from time to time they will mess up. If you’re expectation is that “they’re supposed to always do it right,” it is your unrealistic expectation that’s the problem, not your child.
People let their expectations mess them up in all kinds of ways. You’re waiting for a friend to join you for lunch. She’s late. As you watch your lunch hour tick away you get angrier and angrier. She’s always fricken late and you’re sick of it. Maybe you’ll just go. That would teach her a lesson wouldn’t it? You don’t have time to just wait around for her. Yeah, you’ll just leave. In another five minutes, if she’s not here.
If you can’t abide the idea of being stood up, is it your ego that’s egging you on?. Are you concerned about her well-being? What’s pushing your buttons? So she’s late. Is there anything you can do about it? No. Then chill. Decide if it is worth it to wait or if you’d rather just go ahead and have lunch.
I had a similar thing happen recently when I offered to help a girlfriend house hunt. We agreed to meet at the first location and after I waited about a half-hour for her, I left. I wasn’t mad, I just had other things I could be doing. When she called upset that we’d missed each other (our cell phones weren’t anywhere in this picture because of reception issues) I told her to relax and that’d we’d reschedule. It wasn’t worth getting all knotted up about. Crap happens. It’s how you deal with it that defines who you are.
I get angry, sad and frustrated letters from people who can’t get their partners on board with their plans to fix what’s broke in their budgets. Regardless of their best laid plans, their buddies mess it up. There’s the girlfriend who isn’t happy with never going out again until the debt is paid off. There’s the husband who keeps promising to do the repairs on the car but never seems to be able to follow through. The same thing applies to the partner who will not stop dipping into the joint account for lunches on the road. You have a plan and every time she dips in she throws you off track. Damn, can’t she see how important this is? How can he be so selfish that he just pulls whatever he needs regardless of the agreements you’ve made.
Maybe he’s just hungry and can’t think straight when his belly is growling. Is there anything you can do about it? Maybe agree he’ll pack a lunch. Maybe she’ll agree she won’t carry her bank card. Maybe he’ll agree that he gets $60 a week for lunch on the road, and whatever else he can scrounge out of the change pot.
Sometimes things don’t go according to plan. Sometimes our buddies, our friends, our children screw up. Sometimes we blow it. What is, IS. The important thing isn’t by how much we’ve missed the mark, it’s what we can do to refocus our trajectory.
September 4, 2009 at 7:21 am
This post reminds me of another finance guru’s motto: “People first, then money”. Every so often we need to reminded of this, thanks.
September 4, 2009 at 8:34 am
I live with a short temper who would get mad at just about any silly life event or detail. The way I got through it is simply by serving him this motto every single time he would get angry on silly things : “There is worst in life, you could be starving to death”… And I just kept hammering this motto, with humour, every single time he would get mad… came the time where only a glance would do it and I would get the ” Yeah, yeah! I know I could be starving to death”. It’s amazing how this actually changed his attitude over time and how he actually puts things in perspective and pays more attention to not running the NOW or worthless causes. Choose your battle, put a zest of humour in it… be patient and witness the change operating, you’ll be surprised.
September 4, 2009 at 8:51 am
Taking deep, deep breaths would also help. Sometimes we are expecting too much of ourselves (or of others) that when some things fail, we feel that everything seems to fall apart too. Before we stage our grandeous reaction, take a deep breath, relax, and then count from 1 to 10. Once relaxed, start thinking what you could possibly do to fix the situation. This works well for me.
September 4, 2009 at 9:11 am
Wow What a timely post. I am expecting my son to totally handle his allowance perfectly everytime! I just gave him his allowance for September and he spent the entire thing in two days on lunches and junk food for him and his friends even though there was a fridge full of good, tasty, nutritious food. I freaked but this post has made me realize I am expecting too much from him and maybe his lesson will come in the form of a very long month short of funds.
Thanks for helping me see the light!
September 4, 2009 at 9:28 am
I love Pema Chodren. Her book, Heart Advice for Difficult Times, has been incredibly helpful. THere are a lot of lessons in there that I want to go back to. I feel like I’ve gotten off track a bit with some of the practices, such as staying in the moment and not pushing away uncomfortable feelings – just letting things be as they are and stay mindful and open. It’s so easy to want to distract ourselves, especially in unhealthy ways.
Actually I think that’s where a lot of overspending issues come in – the desire to distract ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, instead of just staying present to what is really going on.
September 4, 2009 at 9:31 am
Great post! I developed a habit of listing all the things that I am grateful for in my life whenever I start to get down or feel that things aren’t going the way I want them to. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you focus on all the good instead of the bad. I did this all throughout my divorce and when I was paying off all my debt. Sometimes I would stumble and have a big ol cry about things but that’s not always a bad thing either lol… I think the key to success and happiness really is learning how to focus on the good 80% of the time and working on the other stuff 20% cause you can’t just ignore problems away. For me that keeps things in balance. That and going for a long walk with my dogs in nature keeps my sane
have a great long weekend everone!
September 4, 2009 at 9:37 am
Eckert Tolle has written widely on the themes surrounding “The Power of Now” and though it admittedly sounds a little hokey, it’s really profound stuff.
He has been writing for quite some time now, and has begun to recieve a lot more attention recently when Oprah jumped on his bandwagon.
September 4, 2009 at 9:47 am
It’s very easy to wallow in self pitty, focusing on the negative and everything that is going wrong in life. One of the habits of being successful is beginning with the end in mind (Stephen Covey). Like money and everything that happens in life, we’re in control. Power and happiness comes from knowing that we’re in control to act and react to every situation, the outcome that we experience is a direct result of the decision that we made.
Self-realization or finally getting to that moment in life where we start to reflect is a great thing. Thanks for sharing Gail, it’s a good reminder to myself and from what I can see to others that life is short and we’re truly too blessed to be stressed. Have a great weekend everyone!!
September 4, 2009 at 9:51 am
We write a little frugal blog and we ended up stumbling on your blog. We love reading it, as it is raw, refreshing, and is quite insightful. We’re in a weird time right now – the economy is crashing, yet the mainstream media doesn’t think so. With your frugal tips, it becomes easier to buffer yourself for any downturn to come. Keep on trucking, and great blogging!
September 4, 2009 at 10:02 am
what a great blog today. Really enjoyed reading it. Great advise as always.
September 4, 2009 at 10:12 am
Awe Gail Just be yourself and people won’t be able to help themselves but love you. Obvioulsy i only know what I see on the show but I love how you just say it like it is.
Since we don’t watch much tv in the summer and we just cancel our satalite for it ive been missing seeing you and I look forward to seeing your new series. I will always like TDDUP. But pretty soon were getting the satalite back up again soon. The Biggest Loser starts up again in a week and a half.
Anywho talking about just being happy with what you have now. My husband and I are pretty laid back people. Before his current job and when we only had one car I use to stress about everything financially. My husband was making significantly less at any of this other jobs.
As a Christian I finally started to make the effort to just leave it in God’s hands and that helped.
Recently when our car was deemed unfixable by the insurance company I didn’t stress. It was sad because of the history of the car and we liked the little car. It helped that we had purchased a van from friends in Janurary.
I Have the type of personality that usually just laughs about most circumstances where most people stress out about. like when i learned to drive standard and stalled 5 times trying to get through the light. I laughed so hard that people around me driving by and through the lights were kinda wondering what was going on. When they saw me laughing then they would laugh.
Also embarrasing moments like tripping over my hockey bag going up stairs right infront of a big group of people. Silence at first, i laugh everyone laughs.
Its easier to make light of most silly trip ups in life and just laugh it off. It doesn’t do you any good to stress about it. Thats my motto.
The part that i usually have a hard time just laughing off or not stressing about is in regards to financial stuff. But im getting better at not stressing. Thanks to what I have learned from your show to create a budget and better manage our money.
THANKS GAIL
For being you, putting it like it is and having such a great personality that people cant help but love you. You have inspired so many people to get straight with their finances and on track with debt repayment.
WE LOVE YOU!!!!!
September 4, 2009 at 10:13 am
I’m working on living in the now and letting go of expectations, too. It’s really helpful as the mom of two small children, who never behave as I would hope. I found that if I can just accept what is it’s much better on me than if I get caught up in the way it ’should’ be.
Thanks, Gail, for sharing your perspective. You are wise, as always.
September 4, 2009 at 10:17 am
The more I go through my coach training, the more I see what a great job you are doing in coaching people as well, Gail. You are excellent at showing people they need to look in the mirror and be real about what they are seeing, in present and future.
One of the things I struggle with is this idea that many people have forgotten that choices come with consequences, and that they would benefit by thinking about the impact their actions make before they carry them out. Your blogs serve as a great reminder to be fully conscious, not just in our financial choices, but in life.
Great blog.
Happy Friday.
September 4, 2009 at 10:38 am
Hi Gail,
Another great blog! I wrote a letter awile back under My story – Getting there, talking about this exact thing. You can’t change the people around you, you can only change yourself. You can try to help other people see things your way but it doesn’t always work.
I have a husband that spends, spends, spends. It drives me crazy. I have learned to work around it. I don’t think he will ever change and I am not willing to leave him just because he is a spender.
When he spends too much and wrecks all my best laid plans I think that atleast he is in my life. He could be gone. When I say gone, I mean dead. He almost died from a heart attack 5 years ago. I prefer him to be a spender and in my life than a void where he once was.
When someone does things you don’t like do as Gail says and think of ways to fix it. Not by nagging or fighting but think outside the box and work around it.
My husband is still a spender what I do is. I have a pop up on my computer the day our pays go in the bank and I pay bills right then and there. No waiting. It could be gone. Money is also put in a separate account for savings. Again right then. He can not get access to the separate account. This works for us.
Do we still have debt. Yes. Am I working away at it slowly but surely. Yes. Can I sleep at night now. Yes.
Find out what works for you and make it happen.
September 4, 2009 at 10:42 am
I have been getting better and better at this. I’m a fairly driven person in my personal life and my career. I have high expectations of others, especially those I employ but also of my family. But when I found myself getting angry because my husband didn’t anticipate my needs, I realized that I was really angry that I hadn’t anticipated what I’d need myself or been able to just ask for it.
Last night I had a great exercise of living in the now. I am PTA President this year and I ran our school BBQ – 300 RSVP’d and 400 showed up. We had a BBQ that was late getting set up, food shortages and wind… we could have gotten really cranky as we were feeding the masses.
But everyone stayed calm, they helped out where they could. They apologized when food ran out and we were trying to get more… but no one freaked out. I admit I had to take a moment to calm down every once in a while but I was quite proud of myself for not stressing out about it.
Like Angela (above) as a Christian I try to “let go and let God”. It doesn’t mean I have to stop planning for success, I think it just means I do everything within my power and not try do things outside of my power.
September 4, 2009 at 11:00 am
Great post! This is something that I have been working on too, and it is a constant decision in every moment to decide if you are going to dwell in the past/put all your hopes of happiness in the future OR just be grateful for the moment that you have right now regardless of what is happening. I haven’t read the book she mentions, but really enjoyed the Power of Now and A New Earth. May the moment be with you all!
September 4, 2009 at 11:38 am
That is a good list, Gail. I wish you the best of luck in achieving each and every one of those goals.
Expectations is a big issue for me, too.
I don’t really know what is expected of me by my friends and family. I’ve learned that a lot of people won’t just say what they are thinking… or what is on their agenda…
I do know what I used to expect from my friends and family. I have learned that people are not going to do things as you would do them, just because that’s the way you do things. You learn to work with their ways rather than ‘convert’ them to your ways.
I’ve learned sometimes to just have no expectations at all. Frustrates me to no end at times, but I don’t dwell… I move forward.
Work should be clear on expectations… and for the most part it is… but there is always that odd wrinkle. I refuse to work a 14 hour day just because the Hours Of Service dictates that I can. I am not a machine.
Good luck to all with dealing with, changing, or learning from your own expectations. They can be quite a bugaboo.
Inner peace is worth the effort.
September 4, 2009 at 12:15 pm
the Master teacher told us to ‘be at peace’…………right?
September 4, 2009 at 12:20 pm
“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.”
-Pearl S. Buck
September 4, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Today’s post is so timely !! We’re running around like headless chickens trying to get our kids off to university, trying to anticipate every little thing that could go wrong (an impossible task!) knowing full well that life will step in and throw a curve ball. I have to learn to go with the flow and remember to breathe and remember to keep re-reading your wise words. Thank you.
September 4, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Hi Gail and everyone,
The time has come, as I’m sinking into serious debt. I understand the concept, but have difficulty with the fact that my income is not static. I am self employed and my income varies, sometimes vastly, from month to month. I often end up living on credit cards on the months that I am not making much, always with the thought that “I’ll pay it back next month”, and of course something (christmas, birthdays, need new tires) comes up and I end up not being able to catch up, and in fact going further into debt. I am committed now. I plan to help myself!! But any tips for what to do when income varies?
Gail, I’ve watched your show for a very long time, and LOVE it!! I have learne a lot, and put nothing into action
Thanks!
T
September 4, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I kind of take things this way…
I have a like,fondness to anything in direct relationship to the amount of problems it gives me or I have with it.
That includes humans, electronic devices, cars, software etcetera.
September 4, 2009 at 5:34 pm
This post reminds me of getting married. SO MANY PEOPLE got so hung up on what it has to be on the “big day” that they forget what the goal is…. to have make your commitment to each other official and then celebrate it! So many of my friends were just devistated when every little detail wasn’t “just so” that they almost let it ruin their day.
I was very casual about it. I wanted it to be special, but nothing was going to prevent me from enjoying my day…. not the marraige commissioner disappearing until the last possible second, not the sudden rain squall on our outdoor ceremony, not the dog barking during the vows, not my own mom missing the family photo shoot (not a picture of her for the whole wedding!), not the caterers forgetting to set out a head table for the wedding party (we had to mill around the guests and didn’t get to even eat a bit), not running out of food before everyone had even gotten there, and all the other little details that did not go as planned…. they were all insignificant when I was there — in the moment — with the love of my life beside me! All the important stuff went exactly right, I married a GOOD man, and here we are 15 years (and 2 babies) later, still trying to keep focused on what’s important and the big picture of being in the NOW… with a plan in place for the future.
PS, I bolt when folks set their expectations high for me too!
September 4, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Wishing you success on putting a check mark beside each item on your list Gail. I think though, that some on the list already have them. Each person has his or her own perspective of their life and sometimes others see that person differently and more often than not in a better light.
I heard something interesting today, something I’ve never heard before. “A mother is only as happy as her saddest child”. That is so true. As Moms we worry so much about our children (no matter how old they are) and more than anything else we just want them to be happy.
Something I see and experience very often…for every action there is a reaction. We all have to stop, take a deep breath and decide what our reactions are going to be.
September 4, 2009 at 6:49 pm
I like your list Gail – all seem very do-able.
I used to have a lot of very complex yet unfocused expectations. Not so much now and I have never been happier. Have set the bar so low that I can’t help but succeed and how can you be unhappy if you have just had a success? I am very flexible and so is the bar.
I have a lot of “sayings” magnet-ed to my fridge. They give me inspiration, direction and a laugh. A few of them are – Don’t sweat the small stuff; It’s not rocket science; In a hundred years will it matter?; There is nothing more dangerous than a woman with a plan; Fail to plan, plan to fail; If they can send a man to the moon why can’t they send all of them?; The only person I have any control over is me and sometimes the dog, if he’s tired; And my favourite from John Lennon – Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
I used to have a short temper and no patience and was angry all the time. I discovered the reason for this. I was pissed off. Anger is a big emotion and a destructive one. I stopped being angry and got happy when I learned that anger was a six pack made up of fear, pain, frustration, disappointment, despair and feelings of helplessness. If you deal with each part individually it breaks it down into smaller easier to handle emotions and you are much less likely to bounce an apple of off your sister’s head or throw all your husbands shoes out onto the front lawn and turn on the sprinklers.
I also used to have very strong uninformed opinions and could argue at the drop of a hat. Black was white and then (to confuse the enemy) switch and attack that white was black. Then just to be really contrary I would retreat and state that all the world was grey and then defend this position to the death.
I was also a right fighter. Had this need to always be right which is no way to run a relationship. Then someone (I think it was Dr. Phil) asked the question – do you want to always be right or do you want to be happy? I actually no longer find it necessary to discuss endlessly whether or not there is a right way to fold fitted sheets and both my husband and I are very happy about this.
Life is a journey and it is short so you really can’t afford to burn daylight. Have to figure out what you really want. And of course if you can afford it. Ha! I have an incurable disease and an expiry date stamped on my ass. I can honestly say that nothing that has happened to me in my life before has ever put things into such clear perspective. This really changes your view of the world and changes your priorities and expectations. But you know this has not been an all bad experience. What is is. I really live in the now, now.
Now in the morning when I wake up the first thought in my head is – thank you, I made it- and the second thought is – what can I do today to make my loved one’s lives happy and better? Of course I am not a saint so there have been times when I wake up and the first thought in my head is – thank you, I made it – and the second thought is that I could probably get away with smothering my snoring husband with his pillow by pleading that the meds I am on have affected my judgment and hearing. Whadayathink?
I have Great Expectations for you and me.
September 4, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Maureen…. 2 more for you:
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let him sleep”
and
“Would you rather be right, or be happy?”
(that last one makes my daily life so much more pleasant with kids and husband and clients, by letting me concede from time to time — even if I think I’m right — just to chose my battles carefully so I can win the war!)
September 4, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Thanks for the post Gail! Good luck with your list – and I’m going to try to work on mine. I loved Maureen’s blurb as it sounds so much like me at times. I am going to get rid of the anger – it is not helping me at all – and I want to be a happier person. I want to live in the now too. I just have to let go of my expectations of others and realize that life is what you make it – and I want to make it a lot happier and more fun loving. Thanks again Gail (and Maureen).
September 4, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I have gotten to the point in the last few years that I don’t let things bother me. If i have loads of laundry, i don’t get all excited. i do it when i feel like it. i’m living my life.
Today at work, i knew i’d have about 170 envelopes to stuff. I made it my goal to get it done, and I did. took me 6.5hrs, but it was done, so nothing to deal with mail until wednesday.
September 5, 2009 at 1:17 am
Maureen,
Do you have your own blog (or have you thought about starting one?). I’d read it. Doesn’t need to be anything fancy or geared towards any specific subject, maybe just “Maureen’s Musings on Life”. I think there are a few of us that enjoy your writing style, whatever the subject is. Finance / family relationships / making it through the day / etc. etc. etc.
September 5, 2009 at 1:02 pm
One of my favorites to magnet to on’e fridge is… “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things….!” (George Carlin)
Happy Long Weekend Everyone!
September 5, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Anon, thanks for suggesting that Maureen write a blog!
Maureen, I LOVE reading what you write. When there are a lot of comments and I have little time, I skim through them but always stop to read yours.
You have a fabulous writing style. You are hilarious – a really wonderful witty way of putting things. You’ve been through so much change, and I just love reading your perspectives on all kinds of things.