Choose Your Attitude
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
With all the bad news around, one of the biggest challenges is to keep a positive attitude while you fix whatever mess you’ve made and head for higher ground. Attitude counts. Believe it.
About ten years ago, Martin Seligman, a psychologist with the University of Pennsylvania, wrote a book called Learned Optimism: How to change your mind and your life. Seligman believes that optimism isn’t just an innate trait — something that we’re born with – but can be developed even in the face of difficult circumstances.
Through his research with dogs and humans, Seligman formulated a thesis he called “learned optimism.” He believes an optimistic outlook is learned. That’s good news for those people who can’t figure out where Up is. Change your attitude and you’ll find it.
It doesn’t require a psychologist or a researcher to know that when something bad happens – and into each life a little rain must fall – it’s how we respond to it that is the key to how we end up dealing with it. Where the research turns light on the issue is in uncovering how optimists and pessimists view the crap with which they’re dealing.
Pessimists believe negative events will be permanent, so if you’ve been thinking that debt will always be there, you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Optimists, on the other hand, believe those bad things are temporary; they can imagine the light at the end of the tunnel.
Pessimists also believe negative events are universal, affecting everything they do. Okay, so you screwed up your job, or your money, or your last relationship. Does that really mean you’re doomed to a life of screw-ups forever more? Optimists believe negative events to be specific and limited to specific circumstances. It’s the “if I can get to the end of this week, next week will be better” philosophy.
The research outcome I find most interesting is that pessimists believe themselves entirely responsible for negative events. Optimists tend to assign at least part of the responsibility to events beyond their control. Really? It seems when we can see an external source as a cause for our blahs, we’re better able to cope. But when we put ALL the blame on ourselves, we get stuck in the muck.
The long and the short of this: If you can change the way you see whatever has happened to you – if you can see those events as temporary, affecting only part of your whole life, and not being ALL your fault — you’ll create more positive energy and hope for yourself, no matter how difficult or negative the circumstances with which you must deal.
At the core of Seligman’s learned optimism is one powerful idea: your thoughts influence your feelings and your actions. And you can choose your thoughts.
The next time you have to deal with adversity, stop and think about what you are telling yourself about the event. Shift your thinking to see those events as:
- temporary,
- affecting only part of your whole life, and
- not being ALL your fault.
Pessimism inevitably leads to passivity and dejection. But turning your attitude around – controlling your thoughts and choosing optimism — leads to energy and hope. Think about it. Which attitude is more likely to help you deal with the poop on your plate?
Whether you’re fighting your way out of debt, dealing with unemployment, or coping with disability, your likelihood of coming out whole in large part rests on choosing to think positively. A “This is the way I am; I can’t change” attitude isn’t going to get you from where you are now to where you want to be.
When you find yourself thinking negative and pessimistic thoughts, tell yourself: “Stop!” Say it out loud. Shift your thoughts to another topic. Focus on something that gives you pleasure, count your blessings, or think about something that you’re good at. Focus on the facts, not how you’re feeling (negatively) about what’s happening.
What you think about and how you think about what happens to you is a choice that YOU make. Change your thoughts, change your attitude and you can choose a different outcome: one that is positive, focused on success, and satisfying. Remember the little engine that could!
August 21, 2009 at 7:29 am
Today, I choose to be optimistic and happy.
August 21, 2009 at 8:32 am
Shifting from a negative state of mind to a more positive one isn’t always easy. It’s like developing a new muscle – it takes regular practice, determination and small, but realistic rewards. For example – I work at a toxic/dysfunctional workplace with a lot of negative people. To help me overcome the negative atmosphere from pulling me down to their level, I have a personal mantra (‘go in – focus on the job – then leave’).
I also have images at my workplace that help to transform my attitude to a positive one (e.g. photos of my family, a nature walk I took). In addition I purposely plan a more positive start to my day by injecting time to exercise and paint (my passions) – then head off to the land of work.
Some of the ‘rewards’ I remind myself include specific things the salary provides me (e.g. pays the mortgage, helps me send my kids to university, a pension, etc.).
Self-talk is great and tapping the positive messages into as many senses further reinforces the up-beat attitude. For example, I often carry a ‘touch stone’ in my pocket – such as a pebble from a camping trip one of my children gave me when they were toddlers, reminding me that there is a wonderful world outside the negative job; putting some relaxing lavender essential oils in water at the base of the scotch tape dispenser to ‘relax’ not just me, but my tense co-workers; have a positive tune to play at the back of my mind when faced with the bullies that run the workplace.
August 21, 2009 at 8:42 am
Great post Gail! I love Seligman’s work-it’s fantastic. Great tips too-I often tell my patients to say “Stop” out loud-they think I’m nuts for suggesting it, but sometimse you have to hear yourself saying it before you can actually stop the negativity.
I think Doreen hit a good point too-it’s a tough slog sometimes to turn your mind to the positive, but as she also astutely points out, it’s do-able if you make it a priority. I’m smiling at Jenny’s comment also-one day at a time, that’s the way to do it!
Even though I tell people this stuff all the time, it’s great to be reminded from an outside soure-thanks Gail!
August 21, 2009 at 8:46 am
Thanks Gail…I am printing this off and putting it in my purse. I honestly feel like I have been dealt some really bad luck, and feel like I have lived the life of a 60 year old even though I am only 28. I am sure alot of people feel this way when crap happens.
August 21, 2009 at 9:22 am
great post gail, thanks for the morning pep talk!
August 21, 2009 at 10:30 am
Like the post Gail. During the last 6 years dealing with health issues of two kids and then a hubby (that one due to stress), unexpected death of relatives,I have come away with an attitude of “there is always someone worse off than me” and unfortunately it is true.
In my personal life, I’ve been starting small. First getting up 1/2 hour earlier than everyone else to have some quiet time. Then at my sister’s suggestion, go for a little walk in the evening by myself, no dog, no hubby, no kids. Looking at the clutter around me and playing a game with myself with a timer to see what I can do in a 30 minute stretch, it’s just going to be one room at a time and before I know it, the house will be decluttered and kept clean.
With regards to finances, I am learning to treasure little things. Okay, we got the mortgage paid off, now pick another bill. I even get excited when I talk myself out of buying a pop! I am slowly beginning to have a better attitude. Yes it is my fault that I’m in the mess I am, but I can change that one little baby step at a time and I am sure by the end of the process, I will be able to run a marathon!
August 21, 2009 at 10:33 am
Excellent post, Gail.
One of my new favourite songs is by Take That, a British band. The song is called Shine. I include an excerpt. Seemed appropriate.
Stop being so hard on yourself
It’s not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and you might want to smile, smile, smile.
Don’t you let your demons pull you down
‘Cause you can have it all, you can have it all.
August 21, 2009 at 10:39 am
There is an updated 2006 Learned Optimism at the local library. I just put in a reserve.
August 21, 2009 at 11:08 am
I read Seligman’s book a few years back, and altered the way I talk to myself accordingly. One simple change was catching myself when I was having a hard time, and seeing what time frame I was putting on things. Was I telling myself it had been a tough year? Past few months? Month? Week? Day? I now catch myself and consciously say things like, “Ok, just having a tough moment here…This too shall pass.” And I’ve given myself the space for life’s crap to pass in mere minutes, rather than days or weeks. (Not that it always works, of course….but it helps!)
August 21, 2009 at 11:23 am
erin, I know what you mean. I feel like I’ve been struck with a barrage of negative events for last several months, even years. But I am trying to focus on seeking abundance, which has really helped me. It’s easy to focus on pain and loss, but these things are part of life, and if we can’t learn to seek pleasure and joy in simple ways, amidst challenging times, we may never find the fulfilling, joyful life we crave.
I blogged about it here: http://saverqueen.com/2009/07/12/reflections-on-abundance/
Something that TDDUP has helped me with is to not get stuck dwelling on the past, regrets, mistakes “what ifs” or “if onlys”. When Gail meets with her couples, as soon as they acknowledge the mistakes, on she moves to addressing the future. From the show I have realized that it’s best to simply acknowledge that yes, in every life, shit WILL hit the fan, and the best thing we can do is figure out how to deal with it appropriately and move on.
August 21, 2009 at 11:25 am
Changing your thoughts and attitudes is a great way to change your life.
I grew up with some negative family and friends. I worked with some negative co-workers. Many times it felt like they were purposely stomping in my ‘flower garden’ that I worked so hard to tend. Like they say, “Misery loves company”.
One friend pointed out to me just how valuable my positive attitude was, and it was a breakthrough for me.
I still have negative family in my life, and there are still negative people I must deal with in my work. But… I do not let them affect my happiness any more.
No longer am I spending money as they think I should. No longer am I partaking in destructive behaviour.
Words of kindness and positive actions go a long way. There is always a way to make things better… a way to right wrongs…
If you make a mess, clean it up. Take responsibility.
Deal with it, and move on !
August 21, 2009 at 11:25 am
Jenny – does one choose to be happy? I don’t think it’s an emotion that can be forced. I think choosing to be optimistic, choosing to seek abundance, and choosing to show gratitude are more attainable. But perhaps if we focus on these things, happiness may follow.
August 21, 2009 at 11:53 am
This is a great topic. I tend to look at my cup as half empty.I, too, have to work at a place that I really don’t want to & in the very small town I live in, not many options. My job, although not as toxic as it was a year ago, is BORING! I am by myself all day long & I am a people- person. I have to stick it out for another year or two, then once debt is down go to a different job that although probably pays less, will be more suited to the people-person me.I keep asking myself- is this the way I want to spend my time?? in a job I hate?? But it has to be for a while longer. So to keep my spirits up I have been having little talks with myself on adjusting my attitude towards my job. I just reserved the book Learned Optisim at the library as well. With all the down time at my BORING job, I will have plenty of time to read it.
August 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I have to say I am typically an optimist and never stay long at the pity party but found in the last litte while I had been letting the green monster get the best of me.. I was spending to much time looking around at our family and friends and comparing our lifestyle to theirs and feeling like we didn’t measure up or that we must be doing something seriously wrong if we can’t afford all the things they do.. you know like new cars, big houses, vacations.. etc..etc.. and then I had an Ah ha moment at the local Tim Hortons/convenience store one day..
I was standing in line at the Tim hortons to get my kids some timbits and there was another line beside me where people pay for the gas- there was a younger kid there -maybe early twenties who was trying to pay for his gas but his debit card wasn’t working (NSF most likely) and he had no other way to pay .. he tried calling his friends but no one could help him out and he was getting beside himseld as the lady was not letting him go… after getting my order I walked over to him and asked him how much his gas was….$10.. I happily gave the lady 10 dollars to pay for his gas and told him to have a nice day.. he was so appreciative and I felt so good ..but more importantly it made me remeber that while I was bemoaning the fact that we didn’t have a bigger house or a nicer vehicle this poor kid was just trying to put $10 worth of gas in his beat up old truck – probably to get himself to work… so for me I am on a renewed effort to remeber how fortunate I am and to remeber that the success of your life and your happiness is not measured by how many “things” you have accumulated..
August 21, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Thanks, Gail, I needed this right now. I was laid off during my maternity leave, and the whole thing was finalized last week when my leave ended. I’ve been wallowing a bit. I really think that those 3 tips, viewing it as temporary, a small part of my life, and not all my fault are helpful. It’s time to dust myself off and move on, and optimism is the way to do it.
August 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I try to live an optimistic life – which is a little challenging at times seeing as I have “severe chronic depression” – my depression is under control at the moment -but it is a life long illness. Part of the reason it is under control is that I live an optimistic life – I acknowledge on a daily basis the shit that is out of my control and congratulate myself on working on the things that are in my control.
As far as pessimists believing that all the negative in their lives are their faults – I must disagree – the pessimists I know believe that the world is out to get them and that their life is crap because of the world not because of their own choices – it really annoys me when people won’t take responsibility for their own actions.
For all those opitimists out there – keep looking toward the sunshine – the clouds will pass eventually.
August 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Today I’m choosing to be an optimist too.
I’ve been really down today too for no reason, this post really helped.
August 21, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Great post Gail, and insightful messages from everyone.
I’ve been very lucky in that I have lived with a 100% optimist for 40 years (as of August 30th). He has been my rock. I am 98% optimistic as well, but do admit that my chronic illness does get me down when I’m in a flare-up.
I can close my eyes no matter where I am (ok, so not when I’m driving!) and relax and think of myself soaking in my 58″ claw-foot tub. It completely relaxes me. And, at the same time I hear my Mom whispering in my ear ‘this too shall pass’. Seeing as I’m almost older than dirt…I can tell you all that this expression has worked 100% of the time for years so hang in there!
Sending everyone here cyber hugs to get you through whatever caca you are dealing with!
August 21, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“This too shall pass” I don’t remember who first told me that, maybe my dad when I was crying over a broken toy or a skinned knee… but it has served me so well over the years! Post partum depression was the only time I forgot what it meant…. but eventually that too passed!
We are so tiny and so short-lived in this universe, why waste it by being negative or dwelling on past pain? Be being GOOD and seeing GOOD, life will be GOOD!
August 21, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Amy, You must feel so good to Pay It Forward like that, that was so very nice to take notice and help out. You know his day turned out better because of it too
August 21, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Great post, as always, enjoy your weekend!
Thanks Gail
August 22, 2009 at 9:44 am
I’m an optimist by nature, but I bought the book today because it highlights being able to either learn for yourself or help others as my husband is a natural pessimist and it’s driving me crazy! Here’s hoping the book has some touchpoints that’ll help me ’secretly re-train’ him, because after 15 years of it I’m ready to clobber it outta him!
August 23, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I’ve recently changed jobs and taken a wee bit of a pay cut but with more security. As such I’ve had to re-vamp my budget that before was quite aggressive in the debt repayment dept. At first I was quite excited to take the new job, then this morning worked on the new budget with actual income numbers and was a bit deflated with what looks like it’ll increase my debt repayment timeframe by a year. But then I decided to take a new look at it, realize that I’m finally out of debt on all but one credit card, my vehicle is 20 months away from being mine, warts and all, and I’m still putting away a small bit in emergency funds and savings to make sure I don’t slip into the gaping hole I was in this time a year ago.
Attitude adjustments can do wonders in whether you see the glass as 99% empty (this morning’s grim financial forecast) or 1% fuller than yesterday (newfound “it takes one pebble in a water bottle to raise the amount to quench a crows thirst” attitude).
Awesome post and great timing as usual Gail. The road ahead has been stretched out a bit, but there’s a solid plan in place now that wasn’t there a year ago. Thank YOU!
August 28, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Sorry a little late to the game… I would suggest in addition everyone should read “Who Moved my Cheese” and google “Pike Fish Market”… totally about attitude.