SAHM vs Working Wenches
Posted by Gail | Filed under Money & Family
Anna V, you won last week’s prize. This week’s prize for sending in your “I Need Ideas” post is a copy of The Money Tree Myth. It will be awarded by random draw from the entries received between Monday and Friday this week for the Success Post.
I’m not sure why we find ourselves in deeply divided camps when it comes to many of life’s issues, but we do. There’s the “Rent versus Own” debate, which I’ve tried to deal with on a couple of occasions by making the point that doing what’s right for YOU is the ticket. The other debate the rages is the “stay-at-home moms verus working-moms” dilemma. I call it a dilemma because lotsa people aren’t happy simply making the decision for themselves, they’ve got to slam the decision made by others who may be of a different mind.
When I had my daughter, Alexandra, I chose to hire a nanny to care for her while I worked. I was in a unique situation in that I worked from home and could spend gobs of time with my chick, but needed someone who could take over, someone I could trust to raise her as I would want her raised, when I wasn’t around. It wasn’t a cheap decision… I ended up working for years just to cover my share of the household expenses and my nanny – cheap furniture, no fancy clothes, two holidays (when I had really good years), no mad shopping binges. But it was worth every penny. And my nanny really paid off when I had my second, Malcolm. Since I was a reasonable employer – I paid a decent salary, I only asked my nanny to work from 8:30 – 5, and she only did “nanny work”, not every other job that needed to be done in the house – Miss Sharon helped me care for my kids for seven years. She was my blessing!
Some of my friends were able to stay home with their kids full time. They loved doing everything for and with their kids. They had partners with great jobs and money wasn’t an issue. Or they were willing to make some sacrifices to make staying home with their kids work.
Some of my friends were unwilling to stay home. With careers on the rise, the idea of giving up what they’d worked so hard to achieve was anathema to them. So they found daycare space or a nanny and kept on truckin’. That’s what worked for them.
We each have to walk our own path. We each have to make a decision about what works for us. But casting aspersions because our way is the right way seems to me like we’re trying to convince ourselves of something. If you know you want to stay home, lay a plan and make it so. The sacrifice won’t be a sacrifice because you’ll be getting what you want: to stay home with your lovey. If you want to work while you raise your kids, it’ll be a juggle, but it’ll be what you want. And your kids will be fine if you do the groundwork and create a support system that keeps ‘em safe and happy.
Children are remarkably resilient. It doesn’t matter what our decision is, children will turn out as they will. “Maybe if I had done things differently my child would… “ serves no useful purpose. It is Mother Regret whispering her ugly ugly in your ear. Blow her off! And anyone who tells you that you’re ruining your child’s life either because you chose to stay home or because you chose to work is not your friend – I don’t care how related they are to you – so don’t listen.
Of course, the path you choose has a financial component that needs to be considered. There’s no point in staying home with baby if the end result is you’re so mired in debt you spend your evenings fighting with your partner or your nights tossing and turning in bed. And staying home with baby isn’t your “right.” Having children is a privilege, and being able to stay home with them is something you need to plan for carefully.
You will have to learn to live well on less since most people grow used to having two incomes and find it hard to cut back. The biggest mistake you can make is to think you can keep your life exactly the same while you chop out one paycheque. Don’t be a dope. Do the math to see if staying home with baby will work for you. Then make a black-and-white decision. If you want it badly enough, you’ll make whatever changes necessary to your budget and your lifestyle to make staying home a reality.
Make sure you have a big fat emergency fund. With only one income in play any kind of financial set-back can throw you off track big-time. I strongly suggest you have at the very minimum six months’ worth of essential expenses banked just in case.
The best way I’ve come up with for people to see the financial implications of staying home is to live on one income for the duration of your pregnancy. Bank the other salary and build up a wonderful safety net while you prove to yourself that it is doable. If you can’t swing it for the months that you’re preggers, you might want to reconsider how long you’ll stay home with baby.
Children are a gift. We need to see how important it is that we create a life that treasures them and gets them off to a good start. A working or stay-at-home mother isn’t the make-it-or-break-it factor that lots of insecure folk would have us believe. Stability, security, and a fabulous life full of joy and love is. Once you know where you stand financially, you’re in a much better position to make the decision that gives you the life YOU want and your baby the life she deserves.
August 17, 2009 at 7:58 am
My opinion probably means nothing but I’ll have my little say … I don’t believe in “nannies”.
When I was growing up, my mom stopped working to take care of us until my brother was about 13. He was in charge of taking care of me (I was 11), but most of the time it was the other way around. We never had a babysitter either. If my parents were invited to a function and children could not go, we stayed home..that’s it. I truly appreciate my mom for sacrificing her life that way. We never had a “family vacation” but I remember my mom and I going to Italy for a few weeks. My dad and my brother would go on separate vacations too…but never all together.
Couples today hire nannies for what reason?..to try to acquire more money, when it’s the time to spend with your kids. They only grow up once and if it means I have to cut something just so that I can watch my little one(s) grow up, so be it. No way is a foreign nanny of any sort going to raise my child!!
Thanks mom and dad for all the great memories and for thinking of us first when we were growing up.
August 17, 2009 at 8:14 am
Well said Gail! I have always worked and am about to semi retire and I am hoping to have a long life of enjoying my grandchildren! I have always had a large extended family in my life, grandparents, aunt and uncles and I know how important they are and were to my eleven brothers and sisters and myself and I can see it in the lives of my grandchildren, nieces and nephews. We have working mothers and SAHMs’ in our extended family and it appears to me that all the children are being raised in loving homes and doing well.
August 17, 2009 at 8:43 am
Thank you Gail, I needed this as I need to blow off Mother Regret today.
It doesn’t matter which you do we all have days where we wonder if we did the right (?) thing. I have been a SAHM since my kids were born and in the last three years have worked PT, tried FT but that didn’t work for our family and after a year returned to PT. As my oldest is just off to college and finances are even tighter I do wonder. Shoulda, coulda woulda but in the bigger picture we have done ok. No big vacations but we enjoy each others comapny and spending time together, we can always laugh and find fun.
SAHM vs WM is a very personal decsion and can work if it is best for YOU. I fully agree stability, security and love of life all what all kids deserve. You must decide what is best for YOUR family. I did and I am not listening to any whispers today!
Thank you Gail
August 17, 2009 at 9:18 am
I have always believed in the saying “to each his own” so everyone should just do what works for them. I was very furtunate to be able to work my business from home when my child was born and I still do that today 11 years later. It was very difficult to juggle both work, my child and home in the beginning but it got easier as she grew. I didn’t have a nanny but there were many days I wish I could have afforded it lol. Neverthless, I am very happy with my choices. I have also known mothers that went back to work and you know their children are just as grounded and behaved as my own. I truly believe we just have to stop judging one another and be supportive of whatever choice a mom makes… there is enough self guilt brought on ourselves as mothers without outside judgements. Great post Gail!
August 17, 2009 at 9:27 am
I love, love, love reading everyone’s opinions everyday!! My upbringing was more in line with Elizabeth’s.
My Mom sold Avon during the years when my brothers and I were younger. This freed her up to be there for us kids yet still brought in some income. She was home when we…..left for school… came home at lunch (we lived right across from the school)….and came home after school.
Keep in mind this was over 35 years ago and things were a little different but we were raised by our parents. There were no extravagant vacations. We camped every year with another family and we all have great memories of those vacations.
Watching some of things that families are going through today, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to my parents being there all the time for us kids. We weren’t wealthy by $$ means, but we had what we needed. Love, food, clothing, a roof over our heads and great family and friends.
Life was simpler before the major onset of acquiring “stuff” happened!
August 17, 2009 at 9:36 am
I have a circle of friends with a few SAHM but mostly they are two working parents with young kids. The SAHM’s often get very ’superior’ and critical of daycares. There are great daycares where the teachers form a relationship with the kids, the kids get great social experiences, and kids actually want to go there in the morning. They don’t watch tv, they eat healthy snacks, and they learn to resolve conflicts. This isn’t an argument for daycare, but I just do think that it isn’t like you are choosing between the ‘right’ and the ‘wrong’ option. That is an added guilt working parents really don’t need right now.
August 17, 2009 at 9:56 am
Just wanted to comment on the idea of living off your maternity leave amount while pregnant… it works! We just gave birth to our first on August 7th, and while pregnant and working the idea of living on 60% of my wage was daunting to say the least. But, by squirreling away the difference it saved our buns big time when the Government took their sweet time finishing my Maternity claim [60 extra days with no income for a gal whose worked full-time since16!].
In fact, hubby hasn’t had to work like a donkey since the little one arrived, he was able to take an entire week off work, and no one starved to death in the process! Our proudest moment was being able to offer his Mother a plane ticket from New Brunswick to Alberta to see her Granddaughter… we still giggle about how we could barely pull it together when I was bringing in the full wage.
The timing on this article was great, even though my maternity leave has just begun I feel the tug of my career [or is that my newly acquired mothers guilt?] at the heartstrings. I haven’t decided which road to travel down yet, but as always you’re insight has proved invaluable
Thanks Gail!
August 17, 2009 at 10:13 am
Great post Gail!
My mom worked outside the home as well as in it during my childhood and I had an excellent upbringing. Mother’s are under great scrutiny, and if anything goes “wrong” with the kids, people tend to blame the Mother. I’ve also lived long enough to see that wether you stay at home or work, is not the determining factor. It is if you live what you teach your kids which is what matters because they learn what they see not what you tell them.
Let’s not get “superior” about our choices. One is not better than the other, and you must do what works for you. Let’s judge less, and love more.
August 17, 2009 at 10:41 am
Elizabeth, I understood the point of Gail’s blog differently. I understood her to say that there are many appropriate ways to raise a child; as long as what you are doing is financially viable, it is reasonable. there is no point in having a SAHM if she is profoundly unhappy and feels poor. There is no point in working full-time if it makes you exhausted and ill.
If you are going to stay at home, just make sure you have that emergency fund, and you have a credit card in YOUR NAME ONLY. Joint cards do not give you a credit history. Many marriages don’t quite work out as planned.
August 17, 2009 at 10:44 am
I have done both – stay at home and worked PT then FT away from the home. Both courses have their challenges (and sacrifices), emotionally and financially. What works for you may not work for your neighbour. If you can help your neighbour or your neighbour can help you then isn’t that so much better than laying parenting guilt trips on eachother?
We were fortunate that my husband is self employed and when I was offered a job (with benefits) he was able to arrange his schedules so that he could be there to meet the children when they arrived home from school. We also had friends and family that we could rely on when needed. We did not have big vacations but everyone had to be involved in something – that was the rule. I miss all of the hustle and bustle now that the children have grown up and gone. Someday there will be grandchildren and I plan on being there to help. (I guess I had better start saving for that!)
August 17, 2009 at 10:49 am
oh what a great topic…I was raised to think it was terribly wrong to have other people raise your kids…I loved my job but when I had my first child I stayed home, a few years later I had my son..still at home, this was 20 plus years ago, most women were choosing to stay in the work force. I got hit from all sides, family pressure to stay at home..women who worked telling me I was so “lucky” to not work, others saying they could never stay home with the kids it would be so boring. As the kids got older I wanted to go back to work, my husband made very good money by this time (he had been able to devote tons of time to climbing the ladder at work…because I was at home). There were years and years of being alone so he could advance his career, the kids were both in elite sports…again because I stayed home and had “plenty” of free time to run them all over the province doing their thing. I ended up driving all their friends as well…their Moms worked so didn’t have the time. Everytime I said I wanted to get a job my husband would say…”why I make more working a few hours on the weekend than you could make all week” and “then the kids would have to give up their sports”…so I stayed home, if you can call being out til 11pm at the arena or dance studio 7 days a week staying home. 20 years later the kids are off to higher learning and can drive themselves, my husband decided that I had not contributed anything meaningful all these years and left to be with a married co-worker…hmmm. Sounds like a pity party but really I have realised that I allowed this to happen…the choice to stay at home or go to work is a very individual one, each person needs to weigh the pros and cons for themselves and Not let others decide for them. Its also a cautionary tale…yes it is wonderful to be there for your kids all the time and money is not the only deciding factor…but I really wish I had struck a balance, thought about what was best for me as well as the family. Its a terrifying thing to try and get into the work force again after so many years away. My ex and my kids really benifited from my being home, I did not. I would encourage all women to add their needs and wants into the choice as well, we need to not judge others for their choices and give our support…daycare or at home, the kids will be fine…but will you?
August 17, 2009 at 10:57 am
I have flip flopped entirely.
Back ground, I was raised at home (on the farm) by a SAHP mom or dad my whole life. I valued that type of upbringing and idealized it for my children.
Baby #1 I was at home, until after baby #2 was 9 months old. At that time my husband became the stay at home parent and I went back to work professionally.
Now Baby #3 is coming and I’ll be taking a year off of work and my husband has to find work. There is a bit of stress in our house as my income has to be replaced and we don’t have an emergency fund. As my husband is capable of replacing my income we will actually have more money with me on mat leave than we did before.. if all the stars align!
The reason I have flip flopped is that I’ve been the SAHM and the WM without the need for a nanny or childcare. With expereince comes wisdom and I know that I am a HAPPIER person working, and when mamma is happy everyone else in the home is happier.
My husband doesn’t want to stay at home for another 5 yrs plus he also knows that he wants to go back to work and so we are now forced to reevaluate our ideals and have decided to hire a nanny and she will be in place when I go back to work.
We will always be mom and dad and the kids will always know that. I want to work because it fulfills something in me that I need that a SAHM doesn’t provide. I didn’t know I would feel this way prior to becoming a parent and I would say that I was judgemental as well. Now I know that we all need to float our own boats and to stop concerning ourselves with what other people’s boats are.
Elizabeth my dear, it sounds like you don’t have children, and if you do please don’t be so critical of other peoples choices. We are all trying our best and I think I can safely say that there is no one that we (as parents collectively) love more in this world than our own child… and that we always try our best by them with what tools and resources we have.
So hats off to all the SAHM or SAHD and to all the working parents too! I will enjoy my year off with my babies and I am also looking forward to going back to work!
August 17, 2009 at 10:57 am
wow, Kim. That is a very powerful story. Thank you for sharing…
August 17, 2009 at 10:59 am
Another interesting perspective – thanks Kim!!
August 17, 2009 at 11:16 am
Wow what a great post today.. it’s like she was writing this for me.. I am a working Mom -full time and have since both my boys were born.. I took a year mat leave with each of them but other than that..
Other than the women I work with I am the only working Mom I know.. all of my friends, family , neighbours that I know are stay at home Mom’s.. so boy oh boy do I feel the guilt- I must be a terrible mother if I am the only one working right?? I don’t judge these women because they stay at home but I sure do feel like I am judged as soon I reveal that I work full time.. sort of how I felt reading Elizabeths post…
I don’t automatically assume that all they do is drink coffee and gossip with their girlfriends all day or go shopping but most people automatically think that I have a full time job so we can afford a bigger house and brand new cars or that fancy vacation..
that’s the hardest thing for me to swallow..that other people would presume to know why my husband and I have choosen the path that we have without ever even hearing my story..
I work for so many reasons- some of which have to do with stability- I come from a single parent family where there were long periods of unemployment and social assitance.. my mom never had any bankable skills to speak so it was one low paying job to the next… and she was always at the mercy of her employer.. I vowed from a young age that I didn’t want to be like that- i learned from her hard lessons- I want to know that if something were to ever happen to my husband or our marriage I can take care of my boys on my own.
And working is something I do for me.. it feeds my soul which I think makes me a better Mommy at the end of the day.. I make sacrifices everyday for my kids but they can’t have everything because then there will be nothing left- and then what will I have left to give them??
That being said I have “Mommy tracked” my career – I have been with the same company for 8.5 years in spite of being stalled in terms of promotion/salary etc because this position offers me the ability to find some work/life balance. I work flex hours three days a week so that I can take my son to school.. . I have choosen a company that is located out of the downtown core so I don’t have to waste my time with a long commute, I start at 7am so that I am done by 3:30 – alot of days I am getting home about the same time all the kids on the bus are getting back.. and my boss allows me to work from home if my kids are sick and I have four weeks of vacation-which I can use for volunteering in school or for PD days . And I have a GREAT daycare..
So before you cast judgement just remeber everyone’s journey is not the same as yours..
August 17, 2009 at 11:19 am
I agree with everyone, let’s just support each other in our choices as mothers. But I will say that just staying home with your children doesn’t automatically make you parent of the year.
I would say to Elizabeth, it would be interesting to know how your mother feels about “sacrificing her life” for her children.
I don’t think that is healthy for anyone in the family, mom, dad, kids or the marriage.
August 17, 2009 at 11:27 am
@ Kim
Oh my – thank you so much for sharing your story.. your story embodied so many of the reasons why I work-
I have always believed that whatever side you stand on in the great “mom debate” is fine.. as long as it’s your choice and it’s not a choice borne out of guilt… and it’s what makes you happy…
Best of luck to you!!
August 17, 2009 at 11:57 am
I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I returned to work after my daughter was born, but I was able to negotiate a reduced schedule. She was still in daycare, but only 3 days a week. It worked out well for us, and was a reasonable balance.
I currently have a one-year-old, and was supposed to return to work last week. I was laid off. The good news is that we do have savings, and I am eligible for a healthy severance package. I am going to try to make a go of staying home, and have plans to take in freelance work so that I can make some income and do something for myself.
I can say, for sure, that there are upsides and downsides to whatever you choose. The kids will be fine either way. They really are resilient, and they always know who their parents are. What really matters is that you’re happy with your choice, and you can swing the finances. Whatever that looks like for you.
August 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm
My mom did both stay at home and work/college when I was little. She went back to school and therefore started working when I started school and my sister went to daycare. My sister was frankly happy as a lark at daycare and was unhappy when she didn’t get to go. Everyone needs to stop judging and instead worry about what is best for you and your family. As many have mentioned staying home can make both you and your family financially vulnerable. Just because you aren’t working doesn’t mean you won’t need a retirement or life insurance. I am glad my mom went back to school and I never felt like I missed anything. It also helped me become a very self sufficient young adult.
August 17, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I think the judgements on both sides are cruel and unnecessary. Moms need to ask themselves what they want to do. I worked FT between my babies and we had a great day care that met her needs and mine. I cried all the way to work the first few days. That was what made me determined to build a career that I could do from home. I wanted to be at home and still had the desire to work. Raised in a single parent home, I have always felt it important to maintain my employable skills. By the time baby #2 came I had enough freelance work to replace what I actually took home (after child care). I work a bit through the day and A LOT after bedtime.
As a working SAHM, I get a lot of judgements: from non-working SAHMs and WMs. What kills me is that both sides offer excuses. Its about what works best for your family. I know SAHMs and WMs who are unhappy with their choice. Funny thing, neither one is moving to change it because of outside pressures.
Its sad that in this day and age we have to still justify our choices and feel guilty for following our own path. I wish we could just support instead of pointing fingers.
August 17, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Just wanted to add that my daughter became a single parent at the age of 19, she was in her final year of college and 2 weeks after the baby arrived she went back to school…she also worked part time, I helped her by watching her daughter while she graduated and started up her own business. She spent her school and work breaks running to her car to pump breast milk (if thats not good parenting I don’t know what is lol). Fast forward 3 years and she is sucessfully self-employed, has met a wonderful man and they move into their new home in 2 weeks…she didn’t have a choice and worked very hard to make the best life she could for her child…she is a fantastic Mom! There are so many people who just do what they have to, others have a choise and only they can know what is best. My grandaughter will be starting daycare in 2 weeks I know she will thrive in that environment…and I will for the first time in 23 years be following my own path…I get asked all the time what I want to do …how crazy is that I haven’t a clue what I want, I’ve never had time to ask myself that question. I thank all of you for your input today…it proves that there are so many different paths to go down …being a parent is hard work and so fulfilling no matter the method…so heres to all the Moms and Dads out there!!!
August 17, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I was wondering when you would open this can of worms, Gail.
Like so many of the mom’s that have commented, I have tried PT, FT and SAHM…. in most cases it was not MY wishes that dictated what was going to happen, no matter how carefully I planned.
I was laid off during pregnancy with son #1, so my mat leave ended when he was just 2 months old! I HAD to go find a new job, ANY job because our household income was pathetic at that point with my husband’s job not to consistent yet (we were young). That FT job lasted a whopping 6 months (government subsidised contract training thing), but at least it was top-quality daycare nearby, so nursing was fairly do-able! After that I tried my first run at working from home…. slow start, hired a teen to keep my wee-babe safe and quiet while I did my phone meetings. It did not work very well from my cramped laundry-room office and I was not happy. Not happy at all, I felt trapped and isolated… ’nuff said. I was so HAPPY to get an employer that was a great fit for a few years (work-sweet-work). Decent pay, predictable assignments, low-stress environment and 3 days a week. After a short time with a bad fit for the first choice, I was lucky that I found a very good daycare, it was in the opposite direction of my work and added half hour to my commute everyday but worth it!
During those PT years we moved into a house with some room to grow a bit (from 750 sq ft with the first place to 1200 sq ft!) a bit farther out of town, and my husband found more stable employment.
Next came pregnancy #2, and with some complications I was torn from my job a bit early (and suddenly) so mat leave ended when son #2 was 10 months old… not too bad! Money was extremely tight during mat leave (55% of part time is not very much!), so I realized that if we couldn’t make ends meet on mat leave then being a SAHM was a dream that I would have to be planning very carefully to make true.
This is where situations dictated what would happen…. my lovely daycare that was farther away could NOT take my oldest to kindergarten and had no space for an infant anyways. Searching high and low, there were NO childcare options for my aged kids! Now I HAD to make staying home a reality or hand over ALL of my take home income to a nanny.
Nothing like a bit of math to get one motivated!!!!
That is when I kicked my at-home career option into high gear, and by the time mat leave ended I was prepared to bring home the difference, and even a bit more, without the cost of childcare, commuting, etc.
It’s funny how being honest and genuine about your situation makes people more willing to deal with you! I called some contacts from years gone by and said I was available for PT freelance graphic design, and enough of them were interested to make it a viable income! (I keep it low key because the kids are still priority #1 while they are young.)
It’s not a perfect set up. When the kids are really young, there are a million distractions and emergencies every single day, I felt like I wasn’t giving them enough of me (sure I was home, but I was not “there”) and of course clients assume that because I am home, that I am available 24/7…. ugh. But I seem to have found a decent life-work balance for me — most days.
August 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I wholeheartedly agree with the above comments asserting that no two family / career situations are the same; therefore, they cannot be measured by the same yardstick and blind judgment on any situation is dangerous. We all know fantastic SAHParents and fantastic working parents … and on the flipside we all know not-so-fantastic SAHParents and working parents. Perhaps it boils down to the individual, not the employment situation?
Kim – I have never been in a situation similar to yours – but I do understand and have sympathy. In the past I worked in family law and your situation is unfortunately not too uncommon. Without breaching any confidentiality I can share that the most notable case I remember was the wife of a clergyman who had dedicated her adult life to raising their family and helping his career … only to find herself divorced and with nothing in her 50s after it was discovered her minister husband did not have the morals one would expect from any random guy on the street, never mind a clergyman. I still think of this resilient lady and I learned from her unfortunate experience.
Kudos to those parents who have put their children/families first (regardless if that parent is at home or working outside) … and kudos to those parents that remember they are an integral part of the family they are caring for and therefore remember that it is okay to think about their future wellbeing (whether through company pensions, individual RSPs for them that came from spousal contributions, individual credit histories etc …)
August 17, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I very much enjoyed reading all the comments today. It is all about what works best for each family. I am primarily a SAHM, but I fortunately can work occasonal evenings or weekends in my field. It gets me out and keeps me connected to the industry. My oldest is in SK soon, and my youngest will be in a co-op preschool 2 mornings a week, which I volunteer with. I feel the key is to balance all your wants in a financial and emotional way that makes the whole family happy and healthy. Whatever that is, go for it!
August 17, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Being grateful for your upbringing (no matter which type), and having the courage to state your opinion (no matter which side) is a wonderful thing. It does not necessarily mean that a judgment is being handed down. It is just that – a personal opinion, not posted for debate, but merely to give one’s personal side of a story.
I so appreciate Kim’s input and her story!
August 17, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Interesting reading everyone’s points of view. I have no problem with daycare.. I just wish it wasn’t so subsidized! I am tired of paying for other’s kids!! Okay, off my soapbox now
August 17, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Tasha…the countries that have the highest standards of living all spend way more on subsidized child care than Canada does, these children wether ours or not will be the caretakers of tomorrow. My broither-in-law never had kids and spent his life complaining about paying for other peoples kids…who is going to look after this single guy when he is old? It is always a great “investment” to put dollars into childhood developement it helps all of us.
August 17, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Tasha – I wish there was an opt-out plan for people like you. The plan should include also no access to health care, unemployment insurance, roads, libraries, welfare, old age security etc. Or voting.
August 17, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I have to un-lurk here: WM or SAHM is not just a “can we make it now” decision, it goes on, financially and personally, for the rest of your life.
My maternal grandmother stopped working when she got a wealthy man and her first kid, and the results were not pretty. My other grandmother became a widow at a young age with four children to care for, but as she had never stopped working, she could make ends meet.
My mother decided never to end up in her mother’s situation. She continued working full time, and I had a nanny until I was old enough to stay home alone. We were sometimes poor but never desperate, and always knew that if some relationship turned ugly, we were free to leave. Without the security of that knowledge, my childhood would have been a lot more miserable.
Later, when my mother got ill, she could just stop working, because forty years of working full-time had created a sizable retirement fund.
My famliy history taught me that money — one’s own money — is freedom, and looking back 40 years, had my mother made a different choice, I’d have been out of a nanny I loved and gained a wolf at the door for it.
No one else understands your situation as well as you do, and you cannot know the future. You cannot say “what’s better for the kids”, when the alternatives might turn out very different than expected. Becoming a SAHM might be a risk, but it might be a risk worth taking. You can only made the decision for yourself.
Tasha: I don’t have children, and I don’t mind subsiding day care. It’s in my interest that kids are well socialized, and that women are free to pursue careers. The least I can do is throw some money at a thing that benefits me.
August 17, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I agree with the majority that SAHM or WM is a very personal choice. Financially AND Emotionally.
I have plenty of friends with kids; some work, some are SAHM, some are SAHM with small home businesses, and all of them are happy with the decision they’ve made. I think alot of it has to do with the support we provide each other; not one of us judges each others decisions, and are always willing to lend a helping hand if need be. And all of their kids are happy, healthy and loved. What more could you want for your kids?
I was raised in home were both parents worked, and both my sister and I are well rounded, happy people. No, I don’t have children….yet. They are definately apart of my future plan, though. And when it happens, I’ll have some tough decisions to make but I think it boils down to these three questions:
1. Do I want to be a SAHM or a WM (which will make me a happier)?
2. Am I able to sustain my decision financially?
And most important:
3. Will I love and care for my children an less if I’m a SAHM/WM?
It’s nice to see an open and frank discussion on a subject that affects so many women (and a lot of men too!) Whatever decision anyone makes, whether we agree with it or not, is theirs and theirs alone.
August 17, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Interesting post and comments. I agree completely that we Moms need to do what works for us and our families–with some provisos there about children being resilient, but doing best in situations with “stability, security, and a fabulous life full of joy and love.” There are MANY ways to supply such a life.
I think part of why this is such a ‘hot-button’ topic for many folks, though, is that when people make choices different than what they do about what are perceived to be important life matters, they feel somehow judged for their different choice. Trivial things–Chinese or Italian? red car or blue?–don’t matter, but when the choices are about childcare, or schooling, or dietary choice, or marital status….well, some folks get their back up. Being a homeschooling, vegetarian, SAHM I am no stranger to this dynamic! But MY choices simply work for me and us, and say nothing whatsoever about YOU and yours.
There are a few things I wish though. I wish good childcare were more available, better paying and better respected in this country. We want our children to have enriching, stable environments…and this is hard to achieve at times when daycare staff turns over quickly. I have no problem subsidizing daycare (these children are our future doctors, police officers, teachers and so on), but I would equally like to see some financial compensation for women (or men!) who choose to stay home. Simply allowing me to build up RRSP room each year equivalent to what someone would earn as a full-time nanny of two would be a start!
I’d also love to see an article, Gail, on steps SAHM’s can take to protect themselves and mitigate the financial risks of choosing this option for a phase of life. In our home, I am the CFO, so to speak, we have our insurances in place, I have credit cards (and hence credit history) in my name only, we make spousal RRSP contributions, etc. But I’d love to know what else I/we can be doing.
I’ll leave off with a quote I used to have as my email signature line, from Jill Churchill: “”There is no way to be a perfect mother–and a million ways to be a good one.”
August 17, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I am so proud of my mom – she worked all her life as a nurse and built a very successful career, while raising me and my brother. She and my dad worked opposite shifts while we were young so someone could always be at home with us. We had hand-me-down furniture when I was a child and didn’t go on any expensive vacations, but we had lots of love and everything we needed. They have always been frugal and careful with their money so every need was taken care of. I admire and respect them a lot.
As for Gail’s post, I couldn’t agree more, we need to respect each others’ choices and not judge. I do not have kids myself and never will, but I don’t mind paying my taxes to support others, as they are the generation of the future who will be running the show when I’m old and gray and sipping my lemonade on the porch.
There is a story in the Talmud of an old guy observed planting a fig tree. When asked if he really expected to live long enough to consume the fruits of his labor, he replied: “I was born into a world flourishing with ready pleasures. My ancestors planted for me, and I now I plant for my children…”
August 17, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I just wanted to throw this thought in there: sometimes a child needs a stay-at-home parent more than other people’s children. My grandmother bravely went to work outside the home (think of the frowns she must’ve gotten in that generation!), and she loved her job. But she couldn’t bear it when her preschool-age child (my mother) one morning threw herself down on her bed and sobbed “mommy, I miss you SO much, please don’t go!” She decided then that she needed to put her career on hold until her children were older. It’s not only about the money or what the woman needs, it’s about what the family needs as a whole.
Anyway, this post is mostly for the women who feel like they want to try being SAHMs, but are worried they won’t be able to afford it.
I actually have found the financial sacrifices quite easy. Yes, it means lifestlye changes, but I really have no regrets about making those. We shop sales and at Costco, we don’t have the latest, most stylish Britax carseat (yes, some less expensive models are just as safe!), we plan our meals, and we hardly ever go out to eat. But every little savings that we work to find adds up, and when I consider the cost of daycare, transportation, a work wardrobe (and drycleaning for it), more meals out (’cause let’s face it, I sincerely doubt I’d have the energy to do all the baking and cooking I do now if I worked out of the house as well!), etc. etc. etc., I don’t think we’d be so far ahead to make it worthwhile financially.
And while I’m staying at home, we’re on our road to debt-free (including most of the student loans!) in under three years! It can be done, even on a modest income like ours!
So if you want to stay home with your kids and feel forced into working, maybe try depositing half of what you currently make in a month in a savings account and adjusting your budget accordingly. Get creative! Make it work. Next month, cut out half of what you’ve got left and see if it still works (etc.) Hey, it’s worth a try, isn’t it?
Also, don’t assume that your career life is over once you’ve stayed at home. You CAN rebuild a career when you’re older and you’re kids are in school or out of the house etc. My mom’s doing it (she’s even recently earned an MBA), and she lives with no regrets!
August 17, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Holy Can Of Worms Batman!
Interesting conversations here today. It’s a personal decision for everyone – no right….no wrong. I’ve stood on my soapbox here before saying that I really, really try not to stand in judgment of anyone else or their decisions.
Having said that I’ll throw in my two cents about what we did.
I stayed home from 1972-1978. Hubby had just finished school. We had a two year old daughter. I would have kept working, but, our daughter had five convulsions over a 2 year period. Now that is scary.
Our son was born in 1974. He had one convulsion at 18 mo. Even though my Mom was right beside me (she was always a SAHM – and looked after our daughter her first two years) it was an upsetting time for us as our children could not have a temperature of 99C or more and we watched them like hawks.
The febrile convulsions were something they grew out of thank goodness.
Once they were school age, my hubby took them to school with him (where he taught) and as it was a rural school they stayed for lunch. I worked full time for a few years, but, my job went to part time. I stayed with the job so I could be at home when the kids got off the bus. I’m one of those Moms that had something tasty coming out of the oven when they hit the door.
It is going to take me some juggling as we retire because I don’t have a pension, but we made the decisions we made and c’est la vie!
August 17, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I too believe its a personal choice. I, myself worked while bringing up my son. I went back to work when he was 5 mths old. I loved him dearly but staying at home was not option for me…I was going stir-crazy! My son would not have been happier if I had stayed home because mommy would have been miserable. Granted there were tough times trying to juggle schedules but it can be done. He grew up to be independent and able to look after himself which was far more than I could say about many of his friends. As for Elizabeth’s parents, I cannot imagine that never having been out without the children is something to aspire too. Parents need time alone without their kids, and children need to know mom & dad can go out, leave them with a babysitter and life will be fine. Being a SAHM is one thing but totally isolating yourselves is another can of worms altogether. It’s a personal decision and financial as well…weigh the pros and cons and then follow your heart.
August 17, 2009 at 9:33 pm
bottom line is………………. women can do just about anything……
August 17, 2009 at 10:24 pm
There’s some great comments on today’s topic. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories — the good ones and the challenging ones. I agree with the general feeling that more support and understanding for all parenting/working styles is preferred to more judgment and condemnation.
For me and my husband, we make it a point to remember that being a parent is part of who we are. We have other roles too — spouse, son/daughter, friend, coworker, etc. And we have interests, goals, and dreams from before we became parents to a beautiful little girl. So while our life has changed having this wonderful little child (and a second on the way!), while her safety, her future, good health, and happiness are all top priorities for us, we know that for us it’s important to balance her needs with our needs.
So once in a while, hubby goes out for a Wings Night with the boys. Once in a while, I pamper myself with a trip to the spa or salon. Once in a while, hubby and I go out on a date night. And more often than not, we all go out together for family outings. We do our best to talk things out and have a balanced life and so far — it seems to be working well for us! *knock on wood*
August 17, 2009 at 11:16 pm
I am returning to work from my second maternity leave (and my last!) in a few weeks and I CANNOT WAIT!!! I have no problems admitting to people that I am looking forward to going back to work and I do get strange looks from STHMs (maybe they think I am a awful mother) but I don’t care. Not everyone is cut out to stay at home with their kids. I have found a wonderful daycare that can provide wonderful things that I just don’t have the time and energy to give my great kids and I don’t feel bad leaving them at all. I have to admit that I have a great job that I love (I work for the Goverment of Ontario) and there is no way I would ever give up my permanent, fulltime job with benefits, pension etc because I would NEVER get it back again. There isn’t a right or wrong answer…I do get peeved though when SAHMs think they are better for giving everything up for their kids…my kids will turn out as good as the SAHMs kids, I have no doubt about that!
August 18, 2009 at 1:51 am
@Elizabeth
> We never had a “family vacation” but I remember my mom and I
> going to Italy for a few weeks. My dad and my brother would go
> on separate vacations too…but never all together.
That is so sad! Family vacations are amazing! I have the best memories of our family vacations when us kids were small! So much more exciting then somehow, staying in a hotel room with the entire family…such a bonding experience…
> Couples today hire nannies for what reason?..to try to acquire more
> money, when it’s the time to spend with your kids. They only grow up
> once and if it means I have to cut something just so that I can watch
> my little one(s) grow up, so be it. No way is a foreign nanny of any
> sort going to raise my child!!
What is up with the “foreign nanny” comment? Sheesh. Let me guess, you only speak one language and you haven’t left the country (not counting the US) more than 5 times your whole life.
Did you ever consider that maybe a nanny is necessary b/c one salary is not enough with school, car and housing debts? Or what about single parents?
Or b/c indeed, parents want to have the money, but not for jewellery or another car for themselves, but use the money to give their kids Real Life experiences. They are watching their kids grow up too: growing up learning about different cultures and nations through travelling; visiting with family that have moved away; eating cuisines prepared in ‘ethnic’ restaurants; live theatre/opera/ballet; lessons or summer camps in the field of the child’s interest; and study abroad for school or work abroad programs.
So yes, some people hire a nanny for their kids so they can make more money. If the money is spent so that the kids can have a “rich” life with many interesting experiences that broaden their horizon, and the time together with the kids remains Quality time, then I say go for it. Quality, not quantity, is the key.
So for those SAHPs who can afford to stay home due to savings/the one income is sufficient to give your family the life-style you want, I say CONGRATS! To those parents who must go double-income with nanny to give your family the life-style you want, I say CONGRATS! (and by life-style I don’t mean more clothes or toys for kids/parents, but life-style in terms of richness and fullness of life)
Chacun a son gout! (sorry can’t work the accents on my laptop)
August 18, 2009 at 2:27 am
I wrote: “What is up with the “foreign nanny” comment? Sheesh. Let me guess, you only speak one language and you haven’t left the country (not counting the US) more than 5 times your whole life.”
Actually, I take that back. I don’t mean to offend all those people who speak only one language and who aren’t well travelled… I just meant to say that “foreign nannies” can be great for a cultural exchange and as a teacher for a second/third/fourth language for kids.
August 18, 2009 at 8:23 am
Iona – I wish there was an opt out plan for people like me too!!! I don’t mind subsidizing daycare for those that need the subsidy. I personally know of several couples who make over $100K per year and they only pay $400 per month for TWO children in daycare. How is that equitable?
August 18, 2009 at 8:49 am
It’s very interesting to see how much pressure women put on other women, in the stay at home versus working mom. Guys would never do that — apologize or justify for having to go to work? Or justify staying home? We’d just understand that hey you gotta work, or high-five the guy for living on wife support. (While recognizing staying at home is a LOT of work).
As for opting out of daycare ideas floated above, then I guess people without kids should also opt out of paying for school programs they don’t use, community center programs for kids, library programs for kids, etc. Just don’t complain when the crime rate goes up and Canada pension runs out in twenty years. We live in a society where sometimes you pay for things you can’t persoanlly use but still get the overall fringe benefits of.
August 18, 2009 at 9:31 am
Balance is key. I have now been a stay at home mom for 12 years. I do enjoy it, but I also understand it is not for everyone. I know many working women who have great childcare and want to return to work, but it was just not for me. I have done whatever it took to be able to stay home with my children. We too live rather modestly, but we have what we need and I appreciate the fact that I am able to stay home.
We as a family have made sacrifices for me to stay at home with the children, but it really is a way of life. I cook everything from scratch, watch for sales and we may not have brand name stuff, but the children are dressed nicely and when they return home from school something nice is always waiting for them.
I have been fortunate in the last year to find a little part-time job that has allowed me to work from home, as this is perfect now that my last child in now in kindergarten. I am still able to drop off and pick up from school and give my self a little encouragement at the same time. No use staying home with the children if you are miserable. I a quite content and I think this is key. I am happy to be with my child, happy to work a few hours a day and happy to keep a nice home for my family.
Our home is harmonized, I personally can’t imagine rushing everyone out the door to daycare, working all day and having to prepare an evening meal and all the other stuff that goes along with being a working mom, makes me exhausted just to think of it. I do however think that families really need to add up the cost of work, (daycare, meals away from home, clothing etc.) and see how much you are really bringing home. You might be just as far ahead to take a very part-time job in the evening or opposite shifts. I know mommies need something for themselves and believe me the first year after I quit my job was a huge transition, it is not easy being at home either, but they are only little once and a job will be there anytime.
August 18, 2009 at 9:36 am
Tasha I have no idea who you know that makes 100k and gets daycare for $400 but I’ll tell you that is definitely not the norm. I believe when I looked into it the cutoff was around 35k. Nobody is getting a free ride there unless your friends are not being honest about their incomes.
August 18, 2009 at 9:45 am
I enjoyed reading all the comments on this topic. This is a very personal decision – which has to be based on your personal situation. I went back to work FT after maternity leave with my first daughter, and then when our second daughter was born 3 years later, I took half my maternity leave and shared with my husband, who took some paternity leave. I then went back to work full time, and both girls were in daycare. However, my job (which had great benefits and pay), wasn’t fulfilling me anymore, and I was stressed with the running around and figuring out dinner, etc. Plus, our daycare costs skyrocketed (change of subsidy formula). My husband and I sat down and figured out what the costs were and how much I was really bringing in with all our daycare and other costs figured in. He has a great job, also with benefits and great pay, so we decided that I should stay at home. Yes, it is difficult some days (mentally), and we did cut costs for some things (we don’t have cable or satellite TV – and we actually appreciate that now!) My husband is great, and we make time for ME days and evenings to get out and enjoy time for myself. I volunteer at the school and with other community groups which will be great for when I do want to go back to work (networking comes in many forms!) Both girls will be in school full time this year (youngest is just going into SK), and I will see what happens (if I want to go to work PT or FT). But I would never change our decision. It has worked out great for us, and I applaude those WM’s who have found a balance. That is the key – finding a balance in life in all categories – money, happiness, fulfillment, etc. Congrats to all parents in how they accomplish this!
August 18, 2009 at 9:53 am
For Kim – thank you for sharing your story Kim.
I am in a similar position, SAHM for 20 years and now that the kid is off to college, I finally have the opportunity to go and do something for myself. BUT, the scariest part is – I don’t know what I want to do!
I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I would like to do, I am lost, lost, lost. I am 44 years old and finally venturing out to find a career. I will admit, I am a little scared, I don’t know if I will be able to handle it all – I just don’t know.
So, this week I finally walked into the unemployment office and asked to speak to someone who would be kind enough to sit with me and try and figure out where I should go, what I should do.
I was very lucky, I got a lovely lady, who spent 2 hours with me trying to figure out what I would do best and to have confidence in myself. Like this lady put it – SAHM’s think they know nothing, but when you start to look at all the stuff they take care off, to keep the family moving along smoothly, they have execellent skills that can be used in the workplace.
I walked out of the Unemployment office and enrolled into college for Tourism and Hospitality. I plan on working part time initially, then slowly moving into full time.
As for your husband – what can I say, I just shake my head! I must tell you that each time my husband made a comment about me staying home and not doing too much – I went on strike! No meals, no clean clothes, no nothing – until he finally understood how much work it is to run a home and take care of the family. A blessing in disguise was when I got really ill and he had to take over everything – he spent 2 hours one afternoon, trying to figure out how to operate the washing machine, complete with instruction book in hand! He has never complained since.
Kim you can do it – I know you can – I hope this post helps you. It is never too late, as long as we are willing and able, we can have careers. Good Luck!
Thanks.
August 18, 2009 at 10:16 am
For Diane – Like yourself, I cook and bake from scratch, I shop the sales for everything – food, clothing, furniture, etc. I repair and mend clothing, knit hats, scarves, mitts, sweaters and any DIY that needs to be taken care of, is done by myself – so just when one adds up all these savings – it can add up to a reasonable salary.
And I agree with the peace and tranquility in the home – From the morning routine to the time everyone gets home, the meals are ready, etc, no one is rushing around like crazy and everyone is happy and relaxed.
Just a quote from my husband when anyone comments that I am a SAHM – “I earn the dollars but my wife knows how to stretch the dollars”!
Thanks.
August 18, 2009 at 10:17 am
Tasha says:
August 18, 2009 at 8:23 am
Iona – I wish there was an opt out plan for people like me too!!! I don’t mind subsidizing daycare for those that need the subsidy. I personally know of several couples who make over $100K per year and they only pay $400 per month for TWO children in daycare. How is that equitable?
What ages are the children? If it was 2 school age kids for before/after only that sounds about right. For a preschooler there is no way unless they have a home daycare provider who is giving them a super good deal. We make just over $100k per year and pay about $750 a month for a 2 and 5 year old in daycare full time.
It would be impossible to qualify for a daycare subsidy making over $100K a year. It may be your friend is refering to what she is paying after the Universal Child Care Benefit.
August 18, 2009 at 10:45 am
Gail’s blog is simple, whatever choice you make, make sure you have thought out your plan and planned accordingly. And I think it is really important not to look down your nose at either side.
I have been both. After the birth of my first child my in-laws looked after my daughter and I know very well that I am one of the lucky ones in having family helping. My mother said she would never babysit her grandchildren, she raised her own kids and wasn’t raising any grandkids. After the 2nd one I went back to work. After the third, in less than 4 years after the first, I stayed home. I was lucky in that I could do one doctor’s dictation from home, it didn’t bring much, but at least I felt like I was doing something.
Looking back, we should have been tucking away all my money while I worked but we didn’t. No planning. Got married in August, pregnant in December, house buying in February, first baby born September.
I was offered a job one day a week when my youngest started grade 1. It wasn’t in the field that I trained in, but it was good hours. Within a year I was up to 3 days a week. I took over when the main person went away for the summer. I was offered the job, but my request was that I had my kids school hours – no problem. I just remembered what I did when my mom went back to work and I was left home until they got home.
The one thing that I found fascinating when I was at home was the number of women who looked down at me, their husbands thought it was great that I was at home. But looking back, these women also had careers in fields that they could advance, I didn’t. When I went back to work, I had a few friends that totally looked down at me because I was sacrificing my children. To tell you the truth, I always felt like a failure as a SAHM. My house wasn’t clean like other moms I knew, my meals weren’t as good as others, my kids didn’t have a lot of outside activities, I actually felt like a failure.
August 18, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Tasha…
I agree with the other posters … something doesn’t add up re: your friends who only pay $400 a month… My daycare costs for 2 children full time are $1400 per month.. we make about $140K a year and there is definitely no subsidy..
August 18, 2009 at 1:12 pm
for NKM and Diane..
your comments:
“And I agree with the peace and tranquility in the home – From the morning routine to the time everyone gets home, the meals are ready, etc, no one is rushing around like crazy and everyone is happy and relaxed.”
Can I borrow your kids?? Cause regardless of whether or not I stayed home my very active boys are never still for long.. and our dinner is always on the table by 5 (cooked from scratch by me each day) not so at my SIL’s house whio is SAHM.. most nights it is 6:30 or 7 for them because each of the 3 kids are in 2 activities a piece.. because she stays at home she feels the need to enroll them in a ton of stuff.. not that every stay at home mom’s life is like that .. but once again assuming someone’s home/life is a particular way simply becuase they work or they don’t is not always an accurate assessment….
August 18, 2009 at 1:33 pm
WOW. This is such a hot topic. I wonder what people plan on telling their children as they grow up and start to plan for work/university etc.
When I think of how long it took me to really know what I want (after years of not thinking about myself) I know that my job as a mom is to encourage my children to find out about themselves. What are their gifts and interests, what do they like/think/feel and how can I raise them to value themselves.
I think that there will always be times of sacrifice when you are a parent, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle.
August 18, 2009 at 2:47 pm
“…but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle.”
I just have one question: What, exactly, is wrong with a lifestyle of self-sacrifice? I think that maybe we should ALL be striving to live a life of self-sacrifice (ESPECIALLY as parents) as opposed to a lifestyle of indulgence. Yes, it’s fine to indulge now and then, but I think the indulgences should be SECONDARY to a lifestyle of self-sacrifice, not the other way around. And yeah, it’s hard, and there will be times of frustration, but I think we all are capable of improving upon our basic nature in that respect, and that the more we live a self-sacrificing lifestyle, the more we will get used to it, and the better off everyone will be.
If we’d all been living self-sacrificing lives from the get-go, I doubt any of us would have ended up neck-deep in consumer debt and having to implement agressive plans to get out of it.
August 18, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Jenna,
I think there is a difference between sacrificing your life’s choices and opportunities and self-control (ie: not succumbing to immediate gratification).
August 18, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow this is a hot topic!
I’m 16 weeks pregnant with my first child and have always had a job since graduating from college (fortunately as I know that is not the case for many people).
I have not yet decided what I will do regarding a return to work after maternity leave. Mostly because so much could happen between now and then. As well, I’ve also been considering changing careers or industries all together (been in this one for 12 years).
However, I know that if we financially can not make it work (beyond the basics, I want to provide a child with the same comfortable lifestyle my husband and I have now) then return to work I will!
August 18, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Geoff, as usual, your comments are insightful, thought-provoking and improve the general tone of the comments on this blog. Thanks.
August 18, 2009 at 8:57 pm
As expected, a poop-storm has risen over the great debate of who is ‘better’, SAHMs or WMs. I was a SAHM, PTWM, and now a full-time WM. As always, I’ve tried to do what worked for others and for myself, every time feeling guilty regardless of whether society thought what I chose was right or wrong. And here we are again with the same ol’ mud slinging that really is nobody elses business besides the person making the choice to stay at home or work. Maybe if we stop being so judgemental and realize that throwing stones may result in our own non-stone-proof glass houses being shattered, we could lay off the nonsense of thinking our choices are always right and everyone elses is wrong…food for thought. For the moms that choose to stay home, good for you, good on ya, keep it up if it makes YOU and the fam happy. For the moms that choose or have to work, again, good for you, good on ya, and keep it up if it makes YOU and the fam happy. Maybe for everyone else with opinions that judge, mind your own happiness and leave others to theirs.
*climbing off soap box because I’m sick to death of judgemental, self-righteous attitudes that leave no room for walking a mile in another persons’ shoes. Maybe some day you’ll find yourself in a situation that you previously judged harshly without knowing all the answers.
August 19, 2009 at 10:23 am
For WM – I hope you know that I am not judging you WM.
What I was trying to say is, if I had to work full time and run the house, I would be a basket case for sure, because I know it would not work for us, we would be rushing around like crazy and the stress level would go through the roof. The choice I made to stay at home was the right choice for me – may not be the right choice for anyone else. You have to do what is right for you and your family and I absolutely respect that.
Thanks.
August 20, 2009 at 10:28 am
I’m one of the WM’s who didn’t really have a “choice” at the time – unless you count living on the street and starving a “choice”. I’m the major breadwinner and have been for most of our marriage. My husband makes hourly wages that would just about keep a single person afloat if their job had benefits – and his doesn’t. When I was pregnant, it was the first time that the year’s worth of mat leave was available. I wanted to take the whole year because I wanted every minute I could get with my baby, but I had to go back to work after 5 months because we were weeks away from foreclosure and we didn’t have any food in the house. There were many days that I didn’t eat so that my husband would have enough food to be able to work. Because I was nursing, our daughter didn’t suffer any deprivation (thank goodness I’m fat – I had lots of extra calories stored up to make her food!) We have hustled ever since to make enough money to get ourselves out of the debt we got into at that time just keeping body and soul together, and we’ve moved into a spot where we’re financially comfortable – but we’d be right back down and out if I wasn’t working. My husband has gotten to be a stay at home dad for a few months at a time because he lost jobs off and on, and it was tight but doable. He gets the “choice”, and he chooses to work, because it makes him feel good about himself. If envy were acid, all that would be left of me is a couple teeth and a belt buckle – I would love to have the choice of not working. If I ever win a lottery, this place wouldn’t see me for dust. I feel like I’m missing out on my child’s life, and she’s growing up so fast.
August 25, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Amen to that!
October 26, 2009 at 12:04 am
I’ve been a working mom, work from home mom, a stay at home mom, and a single parent. All have there challenges and rewards. I prefer working. What annoys me though is those that whine about wanting to stay home but they have to work because their husbands don’t make enough. So not true….. stop whining and admit your working because you choose to. If you want to stay home then figure out how to make it work.