Clinging to Old Roles
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
I get a lot of letters from people who cling to negative behaviours even thought they know those behaviours are destroying their lives. An example of this is a letter I received from a woman bemoaning her life and begging for help. She and her partner decided to move in with her parents when she found she was pregnant. Four children later, they are still living in the basement of her parents’ home.
So why do we cling to destructive behaviours? Why is it that more than 90% of us can’t keep a New Year’s Resolution? And how do we stop feeling pitiful and start feeling strong?
Could it be as simple as the fact that each time we participate in a particular behaviour we get some sort of reinforcement that makes us keep on keeping on? We drink, we get a buzz. We shop, we get a buzz. We make love, we get a buzz. So why would we stop drinking, shopping or making love? After all, the buzz is good, and drinking, shopping and making love aren’t so bad.
How about watching your insurance premiums jump into the stratosphere because you’ve been convicted on a DWI? Is that too much? Or $975 a month on clothes, shoes, handbags, suits, sexy undies, or home décor stuff, all on credit cards on which you can barely afford to make the minimum payments? And what would possess a body to have four children while living in her parents’ basement?
The unwillingness to change our behaviour is most easily seen in people who have consolidated their debt with the intention of becoming debt free, only to find themselves back in hock to their eyeballs two or three years later. Debt consolidation and repayment is only half the story. The other half involves looking at how much you’re spending, and figuring out where the holes in your budget are so you can plug the leaks.
The reality is that most people don’t want to change. They know they should. They talk about doing things differently. But when it comes to the short strokes, most people are loath to pick a new path, clear the brambles and walk on. The going gets tough and they revert to old ways. The going gets good and they revert to old ways. People don’t like to change, and it takes a monumental effort and a lot of gumption to do things differently.
But sticking with same old, same old just means that whatever problem you’re dealing with now is going to be with you for a loooooong time. You can decide to remain miserable, or you can decide to change.
There are some things that may help keep the momentum of change.
Step One: Identify a behavior that you want to change. Be specific: shopping impulsively, paying bills late, not tracking your spending.
Step Two: Figure out when the unacceptable behavior occurs? How often does it occur? Is there something specific (a fight, a crying-jag, a feeling of elation) that precedes the behavior?
Step Three: Think about what the information may mean from the previous step. Try and come up with a pattern you can work on breaking.
Step Four: Set a goal. Now that you know what you’re doing wrong, and what may be triggering that behaviour, set a goal to change. Perhaps you’ll eliminate credit as a temptation to shop. Maybe you’ll decide that you’ll start tracking your spending using a notebook or spreadsheet. Perhaps you’ll set aside two hours a month for bill payment and money management. Again, be specific: I will only grocery shop with a list and I will not buy anything that is not on the list.
Step Five: Evaluate how your plan is working and make changes to fine-tune the plan. Give yourself a reward for each milestone you reach.
Change is hard. Clinging to old roles may feel easier and more comfortable, but those old roles aren’t doing anything to help you grow or better your life. If you want things to be different you have to act. Just thinking about how much you want things to change isn’t going to get you anywhere. Time to take your behaviour in hand and do things differently.
July 31, 2009 at 8:01 am
Timely post for me. I slid into past behaviors this month to the tune of 3,000.00. (Which was spent on a new bath tub, car repairs, outdoor lights and I can’t forgot DD charged a few things too in Europe). Yikes! It came down to poor planning on my part , mixed with anxiety and anticipation.
My biggest mistake I’ve made while budgeting is deprivation for the small but fun things. Like going to the movies once in a while or going out for an ice cream. So I need to build the fun money back in to the budget.
I realize that no one can change anything but me, so I’m off to pull my head out of the sand again and start over, while trying to figure out how to pay that 3000 off fast..
July 31, 2009 at 8:27 am
People that don’t change their behaviour often are the same people who will not accept that it is their own fault.
No, it is the nagging wife who makes them drink, the sneaky cop who tracked them down to give them a DUI.
If it is a work related problem, their boss is always harassing them.
Thus, it is the same with debt….everything costs too much, they “can’t get a break”, we don’t get paid enough…somebody ripped them off, no body helped them, blah, blah,blah….
Blame everyone else and don’t look in the mirror: the epidemic of the 21st century.
July 31, 2009 at 9:49 am
I think another impediment to change is that folks don’t know how to handle it when they do slip up–and let’s face it, ALL of us, even those who do make lasting changes, revert to old ways once in a while. The ugly beast of perfectionism rears it’s head and says: you’ve already eaten the cookie and blown the diet, so why not polish off the carton of ice cream? You’re already over-budget this month, so why not do a little retail therapy–the budget is blown already either way!
I think it’s helpful to have a plan for how to get back on track when you go off the rails, and to make it part of your plan from the start. “Make sure your budget contains some money for entertainment,” I’ve heard you advocate. Make sure there is some mad money. Follow the 80/20 rule when trying to lose weight–80% of the time eat as you know you should, but cut yourself some slack the other 20%. Build in days off when starting an exercise program. It’s not about never falling–it’s about picking yourself back up again every time you do.
July 31, 2009 at 10:05 am
SO here is a question for you readers….
Of the 10% of your income that is dedicated towards savings, how much goes to RRSPs, how much to emerg fund, how much to RESPs etc? What’s your split?
I curious what others are doing.
Thanks
July 31, 2009 at 10:26 am
Great post Gail. I know hubby and I made a conscious decision back in December to prepare for his impending layoff, and batten down our hatches. Conscious spending has really changed our behaviour for the better.
As a coach, I encourage my clients to connect with the big vision they have for themselves, whether that be to create more space in their lives for adventure, building a nonprofit organization, being self employed, etc. For example, someone who says “I want to be free to do x” – What does that mean to you, what would living this way feel like? What values are you honouring? By connecting what is important to us to our future plans, we’re likely to make and stick to a commitment to our big vision. Change happens when we’re committed and connected to the change. Sadly, as many of us have experienced, when we don’t connect, we fall back into our old habits and rack up more debt trying to buy things that add no real meaning to our lives.
I know am fully committed to the vision of sitting at a garden patio, somewhere in Italy next September, enjoying a coffee and pastry at dusk. I am willing to follow through with the financial behaviour and life choices to make this happen. I can already feel the sunshine on my face.
July 31, 2009 at 10:37 am
Diana.. I’m with you, I call those people victims. There are people who are perpetual victims and then there are people who aren’t. I choose not to be a victim!
July 31, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Often ‘victims’ need to spell out the constant reminder of the alternative behaviour. It is not a default way of thinking so they need to say outloud the pros, the cons, and the options before them. The power of vocalizing anything can be amazing. Once someone told me “But it’s a lot of work!” and I told him that I agreed with that assessment. No comaback from that one.
There are days when I don’t feel like following the budget. I have to remind myself that I will pay for it later and that I WILL HAVE TO give up something else. What is wrong with that statement? The choice of verb tense! ‘Will’ is in the future for something I want now. Not the best cause and effect lesson.
July 31, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Erin – we contribute about 7% to RRSP, and another 5% to cash savings. That’s a bit easier for us, since both my wife and I belong to plans that let us put in that amount in our RSPs right off our paycheques. But the savings isn’t always maintained (I know, boo!) but some months are more expensive than others, and I don’t want to have savings but credit card debt. I’d rather just pay the credit card bill in full, and keep what’s left. I know.. boo!
July 31, 2009 at 12:59 pm
To Erin – 10% goes to RRSP (savings – we have no kids) – emergency fund is in a way planned spending therefore to me cannot be part of the 10% savings – so must be built from other funds not the 10% for savings.
In regards to todays blog – my husband and I are pretty good at staying on track with the money. Recently, we have been considering buying an RV as tent camping is getting a little tiresome. The expense of it (not just RV but insurance and gas and …) is just too much for what we would get out of it. Our bathroom being remodeled is much more worth it – it is something we will use 365 days a year.
The RV would be a much sooner reward – but the bathroom will have a longer and more present impact – we will keep saving for the bathroom.
It is hard these days not to want the instant gratification of new toys – when it seems everyone else has new toys – but I wouldn’t want their new toy debt – we need to keep pressing on.
Have a good vacation Gail – I will miss reading your blog next week.
July 31, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I say look around and enjoy the simple things in life! I got a roof over my head, vehicle to drive to work and errands, mtn bike to ride around the city and parks, computer to chat on and listen to other people advice and listen to stories worse then where I’m at.. I already have food in cupboard but not willing to stop eating out once in while So I have enough entertainment money for it! I got a TV to watch movies I own already! I got a nice soft cozy bed to lay my head down to sleep and stop worrying about all the debt.. THe malls r something to go to if i NEED something there. but now they r boring since I don’t speed like I use to in them.. The Juga Juice drinks r scrumptious once a wk and not more often and it’s a treat!
I have beautiful weather here now to enjoy my garden NOW! So no time to shop n get into more debt.. I want to renovate a few things in house but budget is slow and adding to save is slow in doing something! It’s more like a winter project … but I’ll enjoy more with pay cash later and no more cc to pay off!
I have moved stuff out the home since I don’t need it, use it anymore and weight has been lifted offf my shoulders. I don’t miss that stuff!!
Even though I don’t make resolutions I tell myself though out the yr I’m human I make mistakes and now is the right time to work on somethings and add to my list as see fit!
Now today is payday and Juga Juice would be nice but getting more cc payoff is more fulfilling in the longrun….. It’s time to shop but I’m shopping by paying off some regular bills n giving myself a good amount entertainment cash to enjoy for two wks… Then it be time to enjoy a bike ride since it’s the longweekend and the highways r busier.. It’s easier to get away from stress of live by getting exercise on bike through the park ..
Aahhh! I’ve just spent less enjoying the simple things of live!! I hope u enjoy of what goes through my mind every so often when there is not anuf cash to around for all my wants!!!
July 31, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Erin:
I agree that the 10% savings is only for RRSP and long term savings… ok, the RRSP use it up and I am playing catch up on them, so it is greater than 10%. I do not include my pension plan in these numbers.
RESP and emergency fund are planned spending (as is my saving towards home equity).
July 31, 2009 at 2:16 pm
We are so used to having someone looking out for us… parents government, safety regulations, police, etc…. we have no accountability left in day-to-day life!
One time I was at a memorial park, and my kids climbed onto a swag, chain fence with heavy, decorative, cast iron posts. The force of their weight made the weakly-anchored, heavy post fall over and NEARLY crushed the sibling’s foot! I was horrified at the near-accident, but more horrified that if could happen again with less lucky results. So we went home and called the park’s maintenance…. I just wanted to make sure it was repaired, but you would have thought that I was calling to sue them!!! Obviously they are used to people raging and fuming about simple “preventable” accidents. They were very defensive right off the bat, and I felt bad at the state of the world. I told them repeatedly that I understood that chain was a passive, decorative feature, NOT playground equipment, I was just letting them know (in case they didn’t) that it may have been broken! Hey, I did not expect it to fall over, but I was not angry that it did.
There are already too many safety restrictions and warning signs and big chain link fences around stuff around here, all to over-compensate for a lack of common sense and a lack of willingness to be accountable!
Small rant slightly off topic.
But to tie it in, I think it has become a HABIT in our society that is very hard to break that we expect everything to be taken care of, and we expect our safety (financial or personal) to be regulated so we can’t be hurt. We expect “someone to pay” if somebody gets hurt or was “tricked” into something.
(No use blaming society or lawyers, that’s not taking accountability for the situation either!)
Let’s try some independent thought here… if something is not what you expect, how can you make it better through your OWN actions… try it…
August 1, 2009 at 11:26 am
My biggest slip up is- ONLINE SHOPPING. I can stop for awhile, then the deprivation sets in and back I go! Convience and simplicity, I think. I need to set aside a few $$ a week for shopping, treats, whatever.
August 16, 2009 at 12:56 am
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