Do Your Best
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
Have you ever seen this poem?
At God’s footstool,
to confess,
A poor soul knelt
and bowed his head.
”I failed,” he cried.
The master said,
”Thou didst thy best.
That is success.”
I’m not sure where it comes from. I just know it. Must have learned it as a child or read it somewhere and it just stuck. Anyhoo, I often get letters from people who just need to be reminded that life is a long-term game and that the best you can do is Your Best. There’s no right way to live a life, despite what you might hear to the contrary. Each of us must walk the path we’re on, doing our damndest to stay true to ourselves, learning our lessons. Of course, that requires that we be willing to deal with our truths and learn as we go.
I’ve written before about how important it is that you know what you REALLY want. So often we’re not sure. We’re unfocused and that means our attention is easily distracted. Because we’re not committed to a particular plan of action, we can be swayed easily – by friends, advertisements, experts – changing course as the winds change. Then we find ourselves in a place we don’t necessarily want to be. Oops.
I’ve also talked about how important it is that the choices you make about what you do with your life – and your money – are your choices, and that they are made consciously. Purposeful planning prepares us for what comes next. And knowing that the choices we are making are the right choices for us – not the choices someone else is making on our behalf – will help us stay the course.
Know, too, that life is a team sport. The fray of life is ever present and we can use the buzz that surrounds us to our advantage if we’re clear on what we want. Have a SIL who is a demon value-shopper? Use her tenacity to get yourself into that place, if that’s the place you want to go. Does your boss know all about making things happen? Use his insights and the skills he’s developed to master your own reality. Have a friend who just seem to always have a plan no matter what hits the fan? Talk to her about how she does it. Learn from your life partners. Grow.
While you’re on this journey, doing your best, don’t think that it’s always going to be sweetness and light. Crap happens to everyone. Don’t dodge and hide. Face your crap, work though it, do your best to learn from it. In the end you will be wiser and better able to deal with whatever life throws at you next.
When Alex and I first set up our new home, she was a very sad girl. Her life seemed to be falling apart. I finally sat her down and told her the truth about what she could expect from her life. There are always going to be bad times. It’s the circle of life. Up one day. Down the next. Then back up again. You have to develop the strength to cope with what life throws at you. And each time you live through hell, know that you are becoming better at life, more able to deal. I talked to her about the changes I’ve experienced through my life: the ups and the downs. I’ve had some very big lessons. I don’t often talk about them, because some of them were very hard to deal with, and I still ache. But it is important that we share what we’ve learned with each other, so we each know that everyone else is doing their best too.
Immigrating from Jamaica to Canada as a teenager was no walk in the park. But I wouldn’t change a thing about it now. I learned I can live anywhere and that I’m the author of my own reality. I did my best to cope with what came next, and I did fine.
Leaving my first husband left me terrified, looking over my shoulder for years, and cringing whenever I saw anyone who vaguely resembled him. Since he’d beat the crap out of me, I was shaken to my core. But despite being told differently as a young girl, I learned that women don’t create their own abuse. We don’t make it happen to us. And it takes a huge amount of personal strength to get the hell out.
When my second husband and I split up, it was because we no longer had anything in common and I was tired of compromising. Twenty-one years my senior, we saw nothing from the same perspective. I was gearing up, he was gearing down. (Though now that I’m the age he was when I left, I can’t imagine what that “grearing down” nonsense was all about. I’m just getting started!)
My last separation was the hardest. This was the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, the man I loved with all my heart. When I realized the pain we were inflicting on each other, and the impact on the children, I had to make it stop. But it was the hardest thing I have ever done. And I have changed in fundamental ways as a result.
Through my life, and all the changes, I have done my best. I take my time in making decisions… sometimes a little too much time, as with my last separation… and I plan carefully. I make sure I think about the consequences of my actions. I’ve learned to be open to whomever wants to help me get to my next place. I ask loads of questions. I analyze, play out scenarios, figure out how to cope. I concentrate on what I can control and work on letting go of things beyond my influence.
My big lesson is that crap continues to happen, no matter how well-planned your life has been, and that each UP must never be taken for granted, and that each DOWN has an important lesson that will prepare you for something else in your life.
The mantra that has come out of this is:
Where you are now is not where you are going to be.
Alex knows this now. If you’re in a good place, revel in it. Soak up every ray of sunshine, savor every sip of honey. And when crap happens, know that it will not last forever. Live and learn.
July 29, 2009 at 7:03 am
Thanks so much for sharing this, Gail. I’m typing with tears in my eyes. I honour your unyielding strength and spirit. Many blessings to you.
July 29, 2009 at 7:32 am
I am thankful for what I have. I remember this when things go bad. Right now my workplace is toxic and dysfunctional – finding a healthier one isn’t that easy. And I am thankful that I have a steady stream of income to live and send my kids to post secondary school, supportive friends and family and a rich personal life. Others are not so lucky. I am thankful that I have a clear head and am able to take my situation – whatever it is and make it right – to the best of my ability.
Gail – you are so strong and brave. Alex and all of us are fortunate to have you as a role model. At times where I start losing hope and berating myself I think of this quote (wish I knew the author):
“When you come to the edge of the light that you have been given –
and are about to enter darkness,
Know that one of two things will happen…
Either your foot will find firm ground – or –
You will be taught to fly.”
July 29, 2009 at 7:57 am
Wow-what a great message to give your amazing daughter. I think some parents try to shelter kids from the rough stuff, and then when it happens at some point (because as you say, it definitely will) they flounder. Your life lessons are hard won-are you ever a tough cookie!! It’s great that Alex (and all of us) can benefit from your wisdom by proxy.
The way I look at it, if I have learned from a difficult experience, I won’t regret having gone through it. Since I think you can always learn a lesson from the tough situations, that means no regrets! What an inspirational post to start the day!
July 29, 2009 at 8:33 am
that was so inspiring, Gail! I, too, am about to take a BIG turn in my life where everything changes. I am scared, but i also took time to make this decision. I know crap is gonna come my way, but I will do my best to get through it. thanks for always inspiring us.
July 29, 2009 at 8:42 am
Thanks for sharing with us Gail. I too, have a few tears in my eyes while typing this. Both because of what you have shared, and what it has made me think about. Sometimes it is very scary to think of what will happen when you do make those decisions, but, knowing there will be “light at the end of the tunnel” always helps.
A few years ago, I was working full time, and it was a toxic environment – lots of in-house politics and I wasn’t enjoying it. Our two daughters were 5 and 2 at the time, and I wasn’t giving them the best of me at all (trying to be super woman, yet not being very super at all). So my husband and I discussed what we were really achieving with me working full time, and not being at home with the girls. Turns out, we weren’t gaining a whole lot! So, I stopped working, and became a stay at home mom. It was VERY scary at first, knowing that I wasn’t bringing in that income. However, knowing where our money was going, and changing things up a bit made it all worth while. I did feel guilty too, thinking that I wasn’t bringing in my share. However, I was doing my share, and more, by staying home and raising our girls. I wouldn’t change that for the world. That decision was huge for me, but there was definitely a bright side to it.
Thanks again for all the wonderful quotes. I plan on using them frequently when I’m feeling unsure of things. Big hugs to you, Gail.
July 29, 2009 at 9:01 am
Hi Gail,
Loved, loved, loved this post! I am sure everyone has moments they consider their most shameful, hurtful and painful, but really, I also try to teach my son that roses do grow from crap. My best moments and clairity to change have come from those down times…I wish you all the best in your personal life, and hope you have peace
July 29, 2009 at 9:07 am
Hi Gail,
Thanks for this post. I know that you try your best not to share too many personal details with your loyal followers. But this last post was really quite inspirational. if you note the comments that have already been left, you are reaching out to so many different people!
I only hope that I can communicate so clearly and so well when my young children are Alex’s age.
Thanks for all you do!
July 29, 2009 at 9:52 am
Wow, you made a lot of people cry today, Gail.
Having had the pleasure of meeting you, I can actually hear you speak these words. I admire your strength. I thank you for your words of wisdom. I’m sure we all do. Thank you for opening yourself to us. I’m sure its not easy to open up, never mind opening up to the world of strangers.
We are all in a rollercoaster ride called life. Sometime, I too find it overwhelming and I just want it to stop. Its especially hard when its someone else that’s going through it but I feel the pain just as much because its someone very close to my heart.
I send your post everyday to my sisters. They enjoy reading it as much as I do. Thank you for being you.
God Bless.
July 29, 2009 at 10:17 am
What I love about you, Gail, is that you seem to be able to speak to me in the perfect way at the perfect time. And I know I’m far from the only one.
I am in my early 30s and I have two small kids and I’m just learning that I can be the author of my own life. I’m frequently terrified. But I’m figuring it out. Thank you for your practical and inspiring words. I really appreciate them.
July 29, 2009 at 10:48 am
Thank you for those words Gail. Right now my husband and I are going through some crap that is out of our control, but I know that things will change, hopefully soon as he has begun to develop hives whenever he starts stressing about our current problem. We have had so much thrown at us in the last 6 years with one situation after another, but we get through it and unfortunately there is always someone with bigger problems than ours which usually puts life in perspective for me.
You are correct. If you have a plan or a goal, you can see things through. We have been trying to teach our three children this, 18, 16 & 14. I think right now the only one who gets it is the 16 year old. I tried to explain life to my oldest last year after my father died unexpectedly. I told her s*** happens and you need to deal with it. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Yes we have had 2 kids with health problems, one corrected with surgery and one with a ton of drugs (still), but then I think of a dear friend who lost her daughter to a brain tumor, and even if my kids drive me nuts at times and I don’t quite like them, I still have them, she doesn’t.
I have also learned over the past few years that I control my life and my responses to situations, no one else.
Thanks for all your posts Gail.
July 29, 2009 at 10:53 am
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” – from The Last Lecture
July 29, 2009 at 10:53 am
Sending a big hug your way today Gail.
You have had a lot of bumps along the way in your life, and have made the best of it. Your children will be so better prepared for life because of what you’ve shared with them and taught them. I know I am grateful for the wisdom you share with all of us, and from the responses shown here on a daily basis, I see that others are grateful too.
My own life has had hills and valleys too. Some that happened because of outside influences… some that were of my own making. I have learned from all of them. I have made the best lemonade I could with the lemons that came my way.
My life is not what I thought it would be when I was a little girl, but I am at least happy where I am now. Could I be happier, sure. Could I be unhappier, for dang sure.
Thank you for your insight and wisdom Gail. Keep smiling. And know that you are not alone.
July 29, 2009 at 10:54 am
oh.. and this one is for Alex… when it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple: just don’t listen to anything they have to say; pay attention to what they do”- from The Last Lecture
July 29, 2009 at 11:15 am
I do believe that one of the best things we can give our children is a sense of gratitude, even in the midst of crap happening. My son is only 3 and whenever he is having a “sad day” or when we are reading at night, I ask him what good things happened for him that day. I hope to help him develop a positive outlook on life by having him focus on the good things in his little life, since I believe that seeing the silver linings of clouds helps one fly!!
Thank you so much for sharing, Gail. I’m sure Alex appreciates it too, whether or not she will admit it yet.
July 29, 2009 at 11:21 am
Debbie has mentioned ‘The Last Lecture’ by Randy Pausch. There is a You Tube video of this lecture, just go to http://www.youtube.com and search on the last lecture or Randy Pausch – sorry the link doesn’t seem to want to work today! The book is also well worth the read.
It is hands down, the most inspirational 1 hour and 17 minutes you will spend. I know it moved me tremendously and gave me something I was sorely lacking at the time – PERSPECTIVE!
Warning, you will cry, but that’s OK.
Randy Pausch (Oct. 23, 1960 – July 25, 2008), truly had a great attitude!
July 29, 2009 at 11:48 am
Thank you for sharing that with us. That took bravery. All the crap all taken without the “victim” attitude is what makes you strong enough to help others… (I’m all misty eyed too) Thank you for your straight-forward attitude it is so wonderful! Don’t let anyone tell you different!
July 29, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I agree about “The Last Lecture”. I had never cried at a professor’s lecture before!
Thank you Gail. As a public personality, it must be many times harder to share such personal information and I really appreciate it. You are an inspiration to us all.
July 29, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Thank you for sharing Gail. If everyone had your attitude about being more open would this world not be a better place?
I’m sure Alex and Malcolm have been learning their whole lives about smelling the roses along their life path and accepting that ca-ca does happen so do what you can about it and get on with your life.
CyberHugs are sent your way!
July 29, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Gail,
I have such enormous respect for your honesty, integrity, and intelligence (a well as a kind heart!). That respect has increased one hundred-fold after reading this post.
Thank you (and enjoy the rest of summer!!!
Lynne
July 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Gail,
I read your blog every week and have yet to make a post but your comments today made me want to share my mothers words of wisdom.
When my marriage fell apart along with all of financial disaster associated with it she told me that I had to be strong for myself first in order to be there for my daughter and that the words that got her out of bed during bad times were:
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”
Funny enough it worked. Today I am in a great place. Mothers are a wonderful thing to have, particularly when you have one like mine.
Thank you for your inspiration.
Jennifer
July 29, 2009 at 3:49 pm
well, WOW, I really enjoyed this one!
I don’t know you Gail but you touched my heart and you have my respect and admiration for “walking the walk”. It’s wonderful to learn something new every day, and for me, this was it.
You know my mom always says that each of us walks around with “a cross”. Some are bigger than others. She says,..”And when you complain that yours is too heavy, think of others who don’t have what you have….think of people who struggle,… think of the babies who are born sick and may never see their first birthday, …think of..” and she’ll go on with many other examples. Then she asks,” So, how heavy is your cross now?”…Well, by this point, I’m feeling like a idiot.
Let me tell you that I don’t complain anymore…yeah, sure sometimes I say that I’d like to have this or that item, but I appreciate everyone and everything that is in my life right now.
Did I tell you that I really liked this post?!
Thx
E
July 29, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Thank you for sharing, Gail, both about your own life and the wonderful and inspiring quotes. I was crying even before I read your post, as this morning we put down our beloved dog, and now the tears are flowing freely. And yes, in some sense it does feel like we failed…we tried everything to make him better, but couldn’t…but we did our best. “Each UP must never be taken for granted, and each DOWN has an important lesson that will prepare you for something else in your life.” So very true!
Hugs to you and your daughter. I hope the next chapter of your lives brings you even greater joy than you have ever known.
July 29, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Gail, an amazing post. I may disagree with some of your postings, but on this one we are completely in agreement – a great message from a great and classy lady.
July 29, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I so needed this post today. thank you.
July 29, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I believe that each “happening” to us has a purpose to teach us to grow and prosper…only a few of us ever get the message. You are a true inspiration, thank you for your message today. It put me back to where I need to be….
July 29, 2009 at 9:54 pm
(((((((((((((((((((((((((gail))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
bravo
July 30, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Gail,
How amazing. I wonder what inspired you to post this day? Were you having a “sad” day? Was Alex?
This past year has not been the best for me. And my kids still cry out of the blue, and tell me how much they miss “their old house” and how they want things to go back to how they used to be when dad lived with us….
And it’s hard, sometimes, to look them in the eye and tell them it’s better this way…..
But it is. They might not understand why now, but they will.
And every morning that I get out of bed and go to my job and be a strong, successful, capable woman, they get it just a little more.
And there’s more dark cloud behind me now than there is ahead, I’m becoming sure of that.
Thank you .
I know that we all need times where we revisit the painful parts of our lives, have a little cry, grieve, and then take a deep breath and move forward.
Love from Harrow,
Lynda
August 3, 2009 at 2:43 pm
[...] Do Your Best (even when “crap continues to happen”) | Gail Vaz-Oxlade [...]
August 5, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I think of your advice as my daily bread, just common sense. I found myself just going thru life when my marriage broke up and then had a fight with b. cancer. Friends and family thought poor Judy but to tell the truth I woke up. 4 years later people want to be around me, I am so on the right path to life and can truly say I am happy and content. I am my friends energy but you are one of mine. Thanks
March 8, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Gail, I recently found your show on CNBC and now I’m going back and reading all your old blogs from start to finish.
Up until this post, the one I enjoyed most was the post about “thoil” as I think it is a word I will incorporate into my life from now on.
However, I can totally relate to this post on so many levels. I had a mother who was married three times and I was a product of the first marriage so I lived through it all with her. Suffice it to say, her last marriage was the abusive one. Wish she’d had both the recognition that you did and the guts to leave as she died somewhat mysteriously in a kayaking accident, not wearing her life jacket and the only other person there was her husband. Long story. I was so afraid of this man that I didn’t even collect her things after she died. But, my take away has been what to look for in a husband and I have been happily married for almost 18 years now.
I also have a daughter. She has some special needs and goes through bouts of depression plus we move a lot as her father is military so the verbiage was familiar about missing a home etc. Yesterday was one of those days when she was really down and hard on me to see her go through. I gave her a pep talk similar to the one you gave your daughter but I think I am going to share this post with her as extra reinforcement.
It is so true that we are not alone and we should learn from one another. Thanks so much for sharing of yourself. You truly make a difference and this post for me is just icing on the cake as I love your financial advice.
Wish you were a neighbor as I would just love to hang out with you.
May 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Thanks for the article, been researching numerous places for info.