Giving Care — Part 4
Posted by Gail | Filed under Money & Family
Imagine your child coming to you to say, “Mom, Dad, I don’t think you’re doing such a hot job of taking care of yourself anymore.” It’d be pretty tough to hear. Unimaginable even. So when the time comes to tell a relative the bad news, expect some resistance.
They may object to the idea of having strangers in their home. They may hate the thought of spending money they feel they should be saving for the future. Whatever the barrier they throw up, your first step will be to help them determine and prioritize their needs, and then find resources.
Never mind the angry words and accusations your mom or dad may throw at you. That’s part of their fear in watching their reality change. And be prepared for lots and lots of questions. They need to be able to express their wants and make some of their own choices in order to feel in control.
Start talking to your parents NOW about what they want as they age. It’s never too early to begin this critical conversation. Be prepared for some emotional encounters but don’t give up. Talk to your siblings about how you plan to divide responsibility for your parents’ well-being. Talk to your peers about how they are facing the challenges of eldercare, the problems they have encountered and solutions they have found.
Finally, take an objective look at yourself. Are you prepared to be a caregiver? How will you accomplish this, along with your other roles as a spouse, parent or business professional?
Before you leap into making promises, think. “You can always live with us” or “I’ll never put you in a home” are easy to say and a lot harder to do. And as you watch for signs that you’ll have to step in, don’t focus on what your parents can’t do; focus on maximizing what they can do.
Communicating openly is the best way to ensure you and your parents age gracefully together. By preparing yourself and your parents for what will happen next, you will be able to honestly say: “I have done the best that I could.”
How will you know it’s time to step in? It may be time if you see any of these signs. Your relative:
- doesn’t change her clothes or get dressed in the morning
- has noticeable body odour, is unkempt in appearance
- has lost five kilos or more – clothes seem too big
- has very dry hands, feet, arms, or cracked lips, which might indicate dehydration
- has little or spoilt food in the fridge
- complains of shortness of breath on stairs or after bathing and dressing
- stumbles or falls or needs help getting out of a chair
- forgets about taking medicines
- doesn’t answer the phone or doorbell, declines social invitations, or stops attending church or community activities
- misplaces valuables or complains things are lost or “have been stolen”
- has unpaid bills or notices about services being shut off
- becomes lost on familiar routes
The Canadian Caregiver Coalition is the national voice for the needs and interests of family caregivers. This site offers valuable links to a variety of resources including provincial care-giving sites.
Living Lessons® and Info Line (1-877-203-4636) provide a wealth of information on end-of-life issues and has an extensive list of useful resources.
The VON website has fabulous links and a caregiving section.
Human Resources and Skills Development Canada provides details on Employment Insurance Compassionate Care Benefits.
The Family Caregiver Magazine has past issues available for download and a very comprehensive resource list with Canadian sites.
Peel regional health has a terrific list of caregiver responsibilities to help you organize.
Caregiver Network Inc. has gained an international reputation for providing uniquely personal information to help caregivers meet the challenges of eldercare. Also home to the Canadian Aging and Caregiving Resource Guide which contains listings for Federal, Provincial and support agencies of interest to caregivers.
Caregiving can be fatiguing. Taking time to take care of yourself is as important as the time you spending caring for your loved one. Asking for help is a sign of strength; so is knowing that you are entitled to feel good — not guilty — about what you do. Pause, reflect, and recharge your batteries and take stock of the special moments in each day. You can only be good for someone else when you are good to yourself. Remember, it’s your life too.
July 28, 2009 at 7:13 am
Having already been in the caregiver roll since age 20, I am now 36. I absolutely encourage people to make sure that people have their affairs in order well in advance of their mental or physical decline. The authorization for access to tax information and medical information. Privacy laws requires this information on file.Talk to your parents to find out what they want when things start to change. In home care vs being in a LTC. the cost associated with both. Discuss the implications of them moving in with you if that is something you are considering. You could be on call 24hrs/day. Not easy if you have a young active family. Community resources are there, but can be very scarce in some areas where LTC spaces are limited.
July 28, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I have worked in a hospital for 10 years and it is unfortunately part of my job to explain to a patient and to their family that they are not safe to return home and that they need to consider another living arrangement.
Today I learned something new. Community Care Access Centres (home care) in Ontario now assess a person’s “eligibility” for nursing home. I guess there are so many people applying for nursing home beds that the government has decided that CCACs should determine who is most deserving of the limited nursing home beds. I have a patient who is considered “too high functioning” to be a nursing home candidate. However, she is not high functioning enough to be a retirement home candidate. So where does that leave her? With a son that is frantic because he thinks she’ll be discharged home where she won’t cope at all.
The health care team I work with is very confused with these recent changes and we’re not sure how to best deal with the above case and with future cases where patients fall outside of nursing home eligibility criteria. I guess we’ll just take it one patient at a time and do our best to find the most suitable and safe living arrangement for each person.
I won’t get into a rant about how the provincial government needs a sound long term strategy to best deal with an aging population that will require more care services as time goes by. Gail’s got a good point that we all need to have that difficult conversation with our parents, our in-laws, and our spouses or partners about the possiblity of needing long term care. Perhaps Long Term Care insurance is not such a far-fetched idea.
August 7, 2009 at 9:09 am
I hadn’t heard of The Family Caregiver magazine before. Thanks for the heads up. Nice post.