The Stuff of Dreams

One of the hardest things to do is let go of a dream. People have all sorts of stuff hanging around their houses taking up space because those folks are still trying to hold on to a dream. Maybe you thought it would be great to learn the guitar. There the guitar sits, in its case, along with music, a tuner and a capo – never used, just taking up space. Or perhaps you planned on sewing new curtains, cushions, comforters for your home.  The sewing machine sits idle reminding you of all the things you should have done or failed to do.

There are all the scrapbooking supplies that you look at wistfully as you wish you had the time to get all those memories organized. There are the umpteen skeins of wool waiting to be made into sweaters, blankets, baby-clothes. There’s the fruit juicer you’re convinced you’ll use one day, the crock-pot that sits empty, the canning bottles that never seem to preserve anything other than a heart-felt desire to make your own jam just like Gramma used to make.

If you have stuff that you bought with great intentions that aren’t serving a useful purpose, perhaps it’s time to shake loose of the dream and get uncluttered. That may be the only way to make space for your new dreams. For as long as you’re holding on to the old ones, you’re stopping yourself from dreaming new dreams. And dreaming is the very beginning of setting goals and making the life you want.

Start by deciding what really matters to you. What do you actually want from your life? And are the things cluttering up your visual landscape (even if they’re buried in boxes, buried in the basement, buried in the garage) moving you toward your dreams or reminding you of what you haven’t yet accomplished. If it’s the latter, they are not feeding your energy in a positive way and it’s time to let them go to someone for whom they WILL be an inspiration.

Some of the stuff we hold on to helps us to dream. People routinely save catalogues and magazines because by flipping through them they can re-enter a world that they have no other way of getting to. It’s a little like buying a lottery ticket, shopping in your imagination for a week on your winnings, and then buying another ticket next week and doing it all again. It’s good fun. But it can become crippling if you become one of those people who actually begins to believe you will win. You defer doing whatever it takes to make a real life because you’re so satisfied by your dream life.

I have a friend that has every catalogue under the sun. She won’t throw them out because there might be something in those dream books that she may need (really, need? Or want?) I’ve tried to convince her that if there is something she really NEEDS, she’ll seek it out and find it. But she can’t let go.

Parents often fall into this trap with their kids’ stuff. Old toys, books, music and movies, clothes, furniture, everything… is saved because they have so many memories (the flipside of a dream) attached, to get rid of them would mean getting rid of the memory… and we just can’t do THAT!

It’s not unusual as we grow up to find that our dreams change. Sometimes, we don’t realize how much WE have changed, and hold on to an old dream that may no longer be realistic. Whatever your reason for holding on to STUFF that’s crowding your life, figuring out how to let go will be the first step in moving from where you are currently stuck to where you actually want to be. How much more could you be accomplishing if you weren’t constantly being reminded of what you have failed to do?

Here’s a great question to ask yourself when trying to decide if something you’re holding on to is really as important to you as you think it is:

“If this object were stolen, would I replace it?”

If the answer is “no”, that’ll give you something to think about.

Years ago I came up with the idea of A Memories Box. This is a box into which I throw the things that have a special place in my heart, that don’t really belong on display: I have an ornament from childhood, gobs of pictures, invitations to parties, ticket stubs from shows, dried flowers, my last pair of ballet shoes, two or three of my children’s outfits. From time to time I go through my Memories Box and toss stuff that doesn’t have the same appeal as when they went into the box. I went to see that show… hmmm…I don’t even remember that… time for it to go! Some things stay in the box forever. Every time I take those ballet toe-shoes out and slip them on, I remember why I quit ballet! My toes hurt! So I let go of that dream (yes, I wanted to be a ballerina) and moved on. But I put the dream away, I didn’t leave the shoes hanging on my wall as a constant reminder of what I didn’t accomplish. Instead, they are a gentle reminder of why I dreamt new dreams, set new goals and walked another path.

37 Responses to “The Stuff of Dreams”

  1. Heather Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 7:58 am

    Wow I feel like this post is just for me. I have so much trouble letting go of stuff. Especially things from my children’s childhood. I have boxes and boxes of stuff under my stairway (hidden of course) and I feel if I let go of it I am disappointing them and letting them know that I didn’t appreciate it in the first place. My children are the first to let me know that they want me to get rid of the stuff. It is the memories and not the stuff that is important. In the next couple of months I hope to go thru all of it and start letting things go.

  2. Good morning Gail!

    It is amazing how much stuff we collect and the space it consumes in our homes. Good intentions aside does this clutter contibute to a happy home for our family? I am in the process of cleaning out my basement and I have lots of good intentions, parting with all the extra unneccesary stuf will allow our family to use the space, will be more fun and create new memories.

    I truly enjoy your daily blogs with my coffee first thing in the morning. They are always thought provoking never too long and always with great information. So thank you and keep up the great work. Looking forward to your new book as well.

    Have a great weekend! :)

  3. Wow. I am in the midst of a big cleanout myself (life-altering events will bring on the “clear-out bug” like that!) and I was having trouble with my little girl’s stuff. Finally I turned it over to her, and gave her a question to think about, “Do you want this, or do you want a Wii?” If the answer was a Wii, it went in the Yard Sale pile. Now if only I could get people to come by our yard sale to buy it all!

  4. This is soooo me. I have been wondering what to do with all the stuffed animals ( bags ful ) and other stuffs that have been accumulating in the 9 short years since out daughter came into our lives. Isn’t it amazing that a 7lb being that came into the world without a stitch on can completely fill your heart and also fill your home with STUFF!!!!
    It’s time to let go of something. The stuff not the girl.lol

  5. Gail, your insights never fail to deeply move and impress me. Daily you are spot on. This blog is a jewel.

  6. This post is very timely – thanks. I have craft projects that I started, and haven’t finished, but kept (just in case). Now I realize that I’m never finishing them – so off they go – probably to a Senior’s Centre so they can appreciate the cross stitch and knitting yarns in there. I’ve already got a stack of stuff for a yard sale planned for later this summer. Can’t wait to get rid of that stuff and make room for more…. space and freedom!

  7. As we speak, we’re doing a garage sale. Ok well we’re waiting for the misty rain to let up as it is a ‘driveway’ sale. I used to be an intense hoarder, keeping every little thing as it had sentimental value or I might use it (again) one day.

    Living in a teeny 860 square foot house does not allow for this kind of mentality. That’s the plain honest truth. The past two years I have begun getting rid of things; garage sale, donation boxes, diabetes bin collections and a family I give my boys’ stuff to.

    Having two boys and no girls reduces what kinds of things THEY may find of sentimental value when I am old and gone. That hit me hard when we were cleaning out my grandmother’s house after she passed. So much of what she valued was disposed of, because the value was only to her.

    I still have my unfinished cross stitch projects and scrapbook pages. I just dont’ have the time to do them anymore, or else I am using my time differently.

    I have become a purger. There is an intense pyschological rush I get when I see things out of my house to their new destination. I am constantly organizing/reorganizing in my little free time, perhaps in vain hope one day there will be room for everything, or perhaps hoping my home will grow another 300 square feet.

    Less seems to give me more peace of mind.

  8. There are so many blog sites I have tried and I keep coming back to just 2 – this one of course. Gail has helped me greatly to get my finances in order. The other site. Flylady. She talks about exactly what Gail is talking about here. Getting rid of the clutter helps you have a more peaceful home and life. Gail you are spot on again.

  9. Elizabeth Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 10:06 am

    My only problem is magazines…I tend to hang on to them for a long time. Then I re-read them, tear out articles of interest (file it) and throw out the rest.

    One other thing is I have a box full of photos, toys etc belonging to my cat that was killed accidentally. I just cannot let it go .. I tend to cry everytime I look in it or think of him. Having this box is like hanging on to him (for me). Absolutely will not let this go!! I miss him.

    Other than those two things, I’m ok.

  10. There’s no reason to let your kitty box go, Elizabeth. Gail said she let go of things that tended to lose their meaning for her, and that’s definitely NOT the case here. (hugs) for your kitty loss.

    Our house may be small, but I still think it would be ‘big enough’ if it weren’t so full of STUFF. This post has spurred me into gathering up all the various bits for my keyboard and taking it down to the pawn shop. Yes I wish I could play the keyboard, but I’ve had it for 3 years now, and I’m sadly not likely to start using it now. Hopefully letting go of that dream to make space for a newer, more realistic one…

  11. What perfect timing. We are in the process of doing this right now.

    We had merged two complete household and moved 2 times in the past 7 years. Plus we have been in constant renovation mode for the past 5 years.

    We found with being in renovation mode, that there was no room to keep things organized, as one/two room is always in construction mode. So we made do. At one time I had 3 separate pantries. So when I coun’t find what I needed, I bought another one. I found I had 3 cases of soup, toilet paper, paper towels, etc., LOL.

    We finally have our house the way we want it, so we have started to put things away, but it is slow going. To date we have filled up 3 trailer full of stuff to be thrown out or given away and we are still working on it. There was just so many that we kept just in case. I still had baby clothes from my son who is now 10 years old.

    We just never had the time to deal with it. What a waste of space and energy(from moving it again and again) for all those years. No more, if I don’t love it, I’m throwing it out.

    Gail, I love that question. If it gets stolen, would I replace it?
    I am going to use it a lot this weekend.

  12. Christie Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Fantastic, thought provoking article again Gail! Like others, I grab my morning cuppa and head for the computer for your insights! Thank you.
    Elizabeth, when you are ready the box of things for your cat will be put away or passed on to another cat to appreciate it, but only when you are ready! I put down my elderly dog in March…while his passing was planned, it was devistating! I left his food dish, beds, and blankets out in the house and car for a few months after his passing, gradually his things are being put away in cupboards or given to friends…it all takes time, don’t rush it! His doggie seatbelt is still in the car! I hope you have a good day.

  13. THank you so much for these words! It is definitely something I need to hear once and awhile, and something that others in my life need to hear from time to time, too.

  14. Well, Gail, another truth to own up to – that we can’t keep all of our past in the place where we live.

    I’m a bad one for this and yet at other times I can pass these things on to others. I sold my son’s bassinette at a yard sale and from that time on, I could give those stuffed toys and clothes away easily. Funny how some things are more emeotionally important to you. I gave most of my boys clothing, games and books, to my sister-in-law and only wanted one thing back – for a future grandchild.

    For the past week, I have been trying to clean out my office at work. I have no space and too many possessions which aren’t referred to often. I decided to throw out anything that was also on a CD. I emptied 3 binders thick with reference materials. I threw out posters yesterday which I couldn’t easily use and thought – it’s time to let them go. So, out they went. It was a relief.

    I need to clear out the basement because I kept the family history – all the possessions left in my care as executor for my maiden aunt. This summer, I hope to get started on reducing these items. I’m determined to clear things away. Of course, I also had my own projects – which I had downsized before, but now – out they will go.

    My one son is beginning to pack up his things to take with him when he leaves this month for school in Kingston. He is luckily wanting things which I am willing to part with in the basement. Book cases and a study desk and lots of pantry supplies. Good.

    We all need to make decisions about how to live with our past. I threw out a lot from my own high school years two years ago. I thought – wow – I’m getting somewhere.

    Thanks for the reality check, Gail. I need it every once in a while.

  15. HeatherB Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 10:51 am

    I love your question too. I have also been thinking about what I might grab if the house were on fire (besides my family & dogs) and that list is amazingly short … our important papers (passports etc), a few scrapbook albums, and I waver on the other items.

    In my case, it is much more a matter of Memories than Dreams. My DH is a bit of a packrat and if I want to get rid of something that he has given me, I will inevitably have a battle on my hands. The battles used to be larger, until I started saying that I have the memories so I don’t need the stuff. But even now I get the guilt-inducing comments such as, “I gave that to you at (such-and-such a time). How can you just throw it away?”

    These comments are very hard to take. But the item goes anyway!!

    Does anyone have any suggestions for responses on how to gently handle these types of comments?

    I have also found, with things like my (late) mother’s china set, I was able to take some photos of the set and then get rid of it with no hard feelings. It’s much easier to store a few pics – esp digital! – than 2 big boxes of heavy “fake” chinaware.

    I will use your question when I am purging during my mat leave, Gail. There’s an awful lot of things lurking in my basement that I would NOT replace if they were stolen. Thanks for the food for thought!

  16. Colleen Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Good post, Gail.

    I have lots of stuff in my sewing/office room and guest room closets. They are not so much things of dreams, but rather things that I hope to get back to doing when I have time. I do manage to sneak it in now and then on a ‘quiet’ weekend. Amazing how much less time you have for hobbies when you have a family and a house.

    When the kids were all moved out, Mom and Dad had a garage sale and sold all the stuff we left behind. The only things that she kept were rare items of family value. They are all tucked away in the cedar chest. There was only 4 items I took from the house and brought to my own house. And yes, they are now in my sewing room closet. :)

    It is hard to let go of things… memories… sometimes. We deal with it in our own ways. I have found a way for me is to take a picture of the item that brings back memories, and then to donate, or toss out, the actual item. A box of pictures takes much less room than boxes of items.

    And to Donna… a good idea of what to do with the bags of stuffed animals/toys… give them to a women’s shelter, for the children that sadly end up there. That’s where all mine ended up years ago. As long as they are clean and gently used, they will be appreciated.

  17. I’ve sometimes hold on to things n know it’s time to let it go! When I can’t face it to go out of the house… I’ll tell hubby to get rid of it for me and I’ll walk into another room and stay busy as he moves it out the house… It’s GONE!!! YAY! What a relief :) I don’t miss it since it was clutter!!
    My little policy with things since we go through life needing stuff then don’t use it anymore… IS:
    IF U DON’T HAVE A PLACE FOR IT! IT DOESN’T BELONG IN HOUSE! Time to move it to a charity! If it has been in storage for six months to a yr. Ur not missing it…

    HeatherB: Here’s an idea!! It he buys u another thing u tell him it’s replacing the thing u don’t want anymore…

  18. Maureen Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Hi Elizabeth My deepest sympathies at the loss of your kitty. It is always hardest to come to terms with a sudden death.

    I married a Dr. Doolittle and over time became just as big an animal lover as he is. We have lost a lot of our cats and dogs and rabbits over the years. Unfortunately loving an animal is wonderful but it does set you up for heartache. On the other hand I would again happily suffer a million times the pain of each loss just to spend five minutes with each of them again. We have always paid tribute to the pet we have lost by adopting another almost right away. Not a betrayal or a way to forget but a way to pay forward the love and provide a home for an animal who might otherwise never have one. I sincerely urge you to think about adopting another cat. When you look at the litter box and toys you will still think about your first cat , and feel the loss, but you will also think and feel good things.

  19. winkwink Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    LOVE this post.

    I am going to my parents’ place this week for a visit with family and friends, and will be sorting through the stuff stored in their basement (again).

  20. EchoLake Says:
    July 3, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    I need to do a serious purge of my house. I do this every couple of years and it always feels great when it is done. But a little stressful while I am doing it.

    I have found over the years that one way to hold onto memories is to take pictures of the items and then pass the item on to someone who could use it (mostly charitable organizations – but sometimes family members). And I always have the picture to bring out the memory (now that digital cameras are so common it is just wonderful – I don’t have to develop the pictures – just put them on the computer – memory lasts forever with no space taken up).

  21. What if the STUFF reminds you of a time when you felt more in control of your life?
    I have a friend that is borderline hoarder. Her home is crammed FULL of “useful” things, and she has another family member’s basement filled with her own things too! Everytime she is on the verge of tears because of the smothering effect of all the stuff, I gently prod that she let go of some of it to give herself some relief. She gets quite angry at me for suggesting it, saying that just because she hasn’t used it in 5 years doesn’t mean she’ll never use it again! The problem is, as a single mom she had it all together, a house, a nice car, a predictable schedule and predictable expenses and a budget to follow. Since her husband and a new kid together came along she is in a tailspin of financial chaos, clutter and obligations. I can tell that she is hanging on to all these things because she wants SOME control, she pines for the days when she knew where she was going, and the things associated with it (like the crafts, sewing machine, woodworking tools, etc.) She is desparately looking for a larger home to bring all these things together, unfortunately no one seems to want the home they are in, stuffed full of “useful” things in every nook and cranny from floor to ceiling. Seriously, if she cut even the amount of furniture in half it would look more normal… but she has aquired these things for the larger home she wants….. She KNOWS that decluttering will move the process along, but she refuses to let go of anything right now. She is in an emotional deadlock with her stuff.

    I used to be like that! A few traumatic losses had me clinging to the THINGS in my life. I started to feel more and more suffocated, and I realised it was a matter of space. So I am letting go of some of my unfinished business and dreams….you are right, it opens up space for new dreams and opportunities, and no small amount of FREEDOM too!!! Then there are the 2 big totes of painting supplies….. I WILL paint again one day, just not now…

  22. Excellent post, Gail. I got rid of all my knitting stuff about 20 years ago, when my oldest was 4 or 5. Walking past a display of knitting in a store, he said “I don’t know why anyone would want to knit. It takes years to make a sweater.” That did it for me!

  23. The fact that you mentioned a guitar, sewing machine, and wool made me laugh because it’s those exact three things I was thinking about getting rid of! My husband has a bad habit of giving in to my many whims. When I got pregnant, I said “Wouldn’t it be great to be able to sew clothes for our new baby?” and for my birthday, a new sewing machine appeared. Or when I said, “I would LOVE to be able to play guitar!” and there it was for Christmas but with no time for lessons, it’s barely been touched. The knitting stuff was my own fault. I have made a few things but with two kids now, it’s all just taking up room.

    With a 6 year old and a 6 month old, the toys and clothes are starting to take over the house. I used to be a huge collector, (I only just got rid of my collection of birthday cards, every one I’ve ever had, I’m 29 this year!) and I don’t miss them like I thought I would. I’ve also stopped giving cards because a wedding card last month cost me almost $8 only to be thrown out. I have a 200 lb box of pottery that I made in highschool 12 years ago. It’s all half finished and is horrible but my Mom kept it and gave it to me recently and it was stashed under our stairs. We had to move it when the basement flooded and I realized what a pain it was! I didn’t want to get rid of it then, but it’s not like I’m going to decorate my house with it…..it’s really BAD!

    The kids hardly get their clothes dirty before they’ve outgrown them, so I’m selling them off piece by piece. Some still even have tags on them! But I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. Instead of buying new, I look around to see what other Moms are getting rid of. (Facebook has lots of groups in my area for Moms who want to sell or swap, most of the items are brand new!) Since birth, I’ve bought my daughter only a handful of things from the store, on sale, on because I couldn’t find it on Craigslist or other used websites.

    Now that my son is out of school, we’re organizing & decluttering the house room by room. Anything that could be sold, is being listed for free anywhere I can. (I HATE garage sales but seeing as I work at a newspaper, I can get classified ads for the big stuff for free!) Our goal is to buy our first house in the next year and I don’t want to move anything I don’t have to!

    Thanks Gail for your show, your site, your books & all the great advice. My husband may roll his eyes when I’m redoing our budget or ask him to hand over his debit card, or when I’m watching another re-run of your show, but he can see how it’s helping our downpayment grow & he doesn’t complain.

  24. Pol- perhaps suggest renting a storage space for her while she is trying to sell. Leaving only the things she needs to get by with for the next couple of months. Then once the house is sold she can take the time to sort through it and reintroduce it to the new house or maybe she might even feel that relief and accept that it should not be brought back?

    My father in law is someone like your friend…but I think I have convinced my husband that the stuff is not coming to our place, ever, he can take pictures but I don’t need all his memories that our not ours in our home.

  25. Great post, Gail!

    My mother saved every schoolbook, “work of art” and essay I ever wrote. When I bought my first house, she schlepped the entire collection across the continent to deposit these things in my basement. It took me a number of years to go through the stuff. Most of it went straight into the recycle box.. after all, does anyone really care what they got 19/20 on their spelling quiz in November in grade 3? Also, many of the boxes were sealed when both my parents were heavy smokers, so the stench of stale cigarettes permeated much of it.

    I have had difficulty getting rid of books and things that were gifts from people who have sinced passed away (the “lovely” handstitched orange and brown cushion made by my ex-husband’s grandmother), but even those are being moved on to others. Garage sales, Craigslist, Kijiji, EBay, and consignment shops are great opportunities to sell things. Shelters (women’s, men’s and animal), senior’s homes, school book fairs, Book Crossing (www.bookcrossing.com) and freecycle (www.freecycle.org) are marvellous destinations for the leftovers for our decluttering activities.

  26. Hello @ Angela. This is a great blog as well as a great post. Decluttering is dear to my heart – and for me it also began with Flylady -http://www.flylady.net. There’s lots of tips and encouragement to ‘bless someone else’ if something has finished bringing a smile to you.
    I even think more clearly when there is less clutter.

  27. Gail, this is a GREAT post and for me it was perfect timing. We are having a garage sale in three weeks time and I will be re-reading this post just before I gather my goodies to sell. I really liked the part about clearing the way to dream new dreams because I do have some new ones and I was feeling held back before I even started and I had no idea why.

  28. In regards to documents, magazine articles, catalogues, etc. that pile up that you think you want to keep for reference–consider investing in a scanner and digitizing the whole mess. It takes up much less space digitally than it does in your life–and if you stick it into something like Evernote (free!) you might even be able to do text search on the document. A lot of magazine articles can be read online too–or have information that is also available online and easy to bookmark or save for reference.

    (Plus, you can use the scanner to make digital copies of receipts that you buy for big-ticket items so that if you need it half a year down the road due to a broken product, it hasn’t faded away completely and is easier to find; credit card statements, and assorted other documents you might need in the future but might not want cluttering your house.)

  29. You have to ask what it is.
    Theres 10 pounds of dust on it.
    You found it by mistake.
    Its not your wife’s parents.
    Get rid of it.

  30. [...] Go here to read the rest:  The Stuff of Dreams « gailvazoxlade.com [...]

  31. Interesting post and comments. I am in the process of clearing the clutter (confusion) from our financial lives, and at the same time starting on the physical clutter in our home. (And on my person…but that’s a whole ‘nother story after 2 kids close together! :-) ) I actually think all 3 are related, and ultimately stem from not being fully conscious / aware / proactive about one’s life choices.

    One aspect of the going through our stuff is new to me: I am decluttering without moving! We moved a LOT when I was a kid, and it only continued through university and young adulthood—and each time I moved, I/we got rid of a lot of stuff. (Too much, in fact; I don’t have a single story or art project from my childhood). Well, at almost 39 years young I have just this year finally managed to live in one home for 5 years! (Finally planting perennials, LOL). Add two kids and a very busy self-employed hubby into the mix, and wow! We’re drowning in stuff!

    So I started reading a book called _It’s All Too Much_ from the fellow who does the Clean Sweep show (which I’ve actually never seen) and liked his approach. Rather than starting in on the clutter right away (sorting, organizing, etc.) he says to stop and ask of each room (or part of a room, like a closet): what is the purpose of this space? From this perspective it became easy to see things that did not belong where they were being stored (e.g., hockey skates, ironing board and picture frames in the masterbed closet), as well as places where the clutter was being caused by there being too many uses—dining room table: eating area, homeschool area—including messy science experiments!, arts and craft space, place for family to play board games and do puzzles, place to chat with friends over coffee….the list went on and on. So it made us focus on where else we could move some of those activities in the house (which is a challenge in a 1950s, 1000-sq foot bungalow). I also liked what he said about family heirlooms and other “treasures”: if they are being stored in a box in the back of the closet/basement/garage, they aren’t treasures to you. Display them or pass them along.

    And now I have Gail’s question to add to my process, about replacing stolen items. Excellent! Happy decluttering everyone!

  32. This is a great post! Thank you.

  33. As I read this post, I’m in the middle of shredding a full container (or more) of old paper – do I really need to hold onto Hydro bills from 1995? eep It feels good, but my poor shredder…
    My dad kept *everything*, and when he passed, my mom had a field-day tossing items. I’m talking about things like, rusty nails & screws (you never know when you’ll need one and need it *now*), and cans of paint with a drop left in them – just in case you needed a touch up!, etc. I swore I would not be the same way.
    If I can’t eat it, wear it or use it in some fashion, it doesn’t enter my home. I just have to get rid of a wack of items I currently have, and the last week of July is scheduled to be my major purge week (vacation week from work).
    Anyone need a very old bass guitar originally sold by Sears? LOL

  34. [...] The Stuff of Dreams ~ @Gail VazOxlade [...]

  35. Thank you. I needed this reminder. :)

  36. I’ve been searching for this exact info on this topic for a while.  Bookmarked and recommended!

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