Relative Wealth
Is there anything worse than feeling really good about how you’re doing, only to run into an old friend, your brother’s ex-wife, or your room-mate from university and find out how much better they are doing?
The buzz you got off a new raise can evaporate when someone tells you how much more than you they are making. The new-car-smell wears off fast when your best friend pulls up in a more expensive convertible. Whazzup with that?
If you’re wondering how come all your friends drive nicer cars, live in bigger houses, or go on more exotic vacations, you’re among a large group of people who don’t understand why they can’t have it all. After all, everyone else seems to… And don’t you work hard? Don’t you deserve to have nice things too?
Welcome to the Monster Envy. Alive and well, and spreading joy in the 21st century - the age of rampant consumerism - envy is the art of counting everyone’s blessings instead of your own.
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Yup. You’re going to hell! Actually, you’re making your life a living hell because you’re so busy comparing what you’ve accomplished with what other’s have achieved, you can’t take any pleasure in your accomplishments. That’s why you’ve gone out and spent another whack of cash on crap you don’t need and can’t afford. Uh-huh.
The only way to overcome envy and start to enjoy your own life (as opposed to weighing it against others’) is to tune out the static.
What you’re wearing today, the car you drove to work, the place where you live has little to do with who YOU are. In my line of work I meet all sorts of people who want to measure themselves on the Stuff Scale.
“I could never put my child in second-hand clothes.”
“I can’t drive a North American car.”
“I could never live in an apartment.”
“I can’t wear that outfit AGAIN.”
Really?
If you need symbols to define yourself, what you really need to do is get real.
And if your circumstances have been in the gray area for a while and you’re growing resentful of what you can’t afford, throwing yourself a pity party won’t get you anywhere.
What you need to do is set yourself some goals, follow through, achieve your own brand of success, and celebrate yourself. This isn’t about what you have or do or are compared to anyone else. It’s about what you’re doing to make your own life richer (texture, not money) and how you’re helping others achieve their goals.
So, where do you want to be in a year?
What are you going to have to do to get there?
March 22nd, 2008 at 12:04 am
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to comment that I truly agree with the consumerism discussion in today’s blog.
My husband and I have finally started to take control of our finances, we will be married a year this April 28th, have a 3 month old daughter and were in quite the financial mess coming out post-secondary education.
We both spent sooo much time comparing ourselves to others, the Envy Monster, how come they have a house and we live in an apartment?
How come we can’t afford a plasma TV? My friends can go out for dinner and buy a new purse why can’t I?
We have finally realized it doesn’t matter, we are happy with our accomplishments, He is videography and has been promoted to a superviser postion in a retirement home, I am a Registered Nurse.
These are huge accomplishments, shoes and purses don’t matter.
What we both have realizesd is that under the facade of having a new car, nice clothes, a 300 000 dollar mortgage, these people were upto their eyeballs in debt. Even my friends and I, we all thought the other was doing better than we were, we were all envious until we all fessed up.
I used to work in retail and consumerism rules, I can’t tell you how many people spent SOOO much money, especially at Christmas and they just pulled out the plastic.
I am finally at peace, We have goals, we have a family, a great marriage, and all our consumer debt will be gone within 5 years. I sleep well at night now, and that is worth soo much more than a new pair of shoes.
March 22nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
Excellent Post Gail! I am priniting this one out and keeping it in my budget binder for times that I have trouble tuning out the “static”.
March 22nd, 2008 at 11:25 am
Hi Gail,
Love your blog. Tell me do you think we are following the path of american consumerism? Will we get to the point of so much debt or lack of work that we have to walk away from our homes. Im in a situation of being house poor. I have four houses and two cottages that I currently rent out. I also work as a red cross worker and then come home and work on the houses, it never stops. Im hoping to hang on in hopes that this will be my retirement plan. However with repair comes debt whether or not you do it yourself or not. Any suggestions?
March 22nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I’m one of the people who would not drive an American car. I believe that the qualities of those cars are not up to my standard. Yet, I do realize that I can’t afford a foreign car, so I choose to own no cars at all at this moment. Surprisingly, I’m quite happy about taking the bus. I’ve heard people saying that only the “poor people” use the public transportation system. But I can assure you that it’s not the case.
One just need to find alternatives when one says to self, “I can’t do” whatever you can’t do. You might be surprised that your choices are not always black and white. If you can’t afford a foreign car, driving an American car is not the only alternative. There are more alternatives out there.
March 23rd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Your post made me pause and then laugh.
Just the other day I was oggling our friend’s shiny, new truck. It would be a perfect fit for my outdoorsy family! 4 doors, extended box with fully-loaded options and all the luxuries….. my hideous, old, rusty, plain-jane truck was parked next to his and I was feeling embarassed by it for a minute. Luckily the fellow saw me drooling and he said, “sure it’s nice, I love my new truck, but it’s costing me a fortune ever month!” and he looked like it really was costing him too much as the STRESS in his eyes reflected that it wasn’t a joke.
Suddenly, all the envy evaporated and I was plain old THANKFUL that my ugly truck was completely paid for and running just fine.
true story.
BTW- My kids wear second hand clothes (so do I), our old truck is domestic, any new outfit I do purchase is for many many wears….. I have to admit I really disliked apartment living, and we soon opted for basement suites instead when money was tight in college… I try not to be too envious of the stuff scale, and I do think my life is richer for it.
March 23rd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
at 14 months, we have yet to spend more than $200 on our daughter since her conception (not including food, diapering and medical). oh, actually we had to buy her toddler seat for the car so that would up it a bit (didn’t want to second hand safety items). we received gifts and we received hand-me-downs galore and are just thrilled. like she cares, and it’s actually pretty good stuff. she’s better dressed than i am at this point. the savings found its way to her education fund, which i’m sure she’ll appreciate more than the brand new designer clothes to puke on or rub mud into.
March 23rd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I think Gail has completely hit the nail on the head. I don’t really have a nice house or amazing clothes or a fancy car, and I certainly haven’t traveled anywhere. And yet, I actually make a lot of money and I have no debt except my mortgage. If you follow what Gail says, and get 3-6 months’ expenses in an emergency fund, and then save up for what you need (bathroom reno, kitchen reno), there isn’t a lot left over. I see all the amazing things/trips/cottages people have, and yes, I struggle with envy. Sometimes I think I watch the show just to remind myself that sometimes the people who look like they “have it all” are just pretending.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I must say I have to agree 100% with everything Gail has written in this post (not that I don’t always agree with her anyway). I’m guilty of feeling the monster envy from time to time, who doesn’t really. But, the feeling quickly passes and I’m thankful for the wonderful life I have. My husband and I may not own a house at the moment, but we just recently paid off all our debts and are quickly amassing a house fund. The city we live in is crazy expensive so it makes things a little harder, but we are used to it by now. I do find myself wondering why people we know have much more than us, yet they make much less money but if I really stop to think about it I have never once seen those people use cash to pay for anything. They are always throwing down the plastic when we are out, which makes me think that they might not actually ‘own’ as much stuff as they like us to believe.
Its easy to get side tracked thinking about what others have, but I try not to think about that any more. I have a fantastic family and that is worth more than all the money in the world. Whoever said that you can’t buy happiness is right! And whenever you find yourself thinking about what others have that you don’t. Start thinking about what you have that many others don’t have and your pity party will soon be over. Even basic things like a roof over our heads is something that others only dream about.
Once again, Gail hits the nail right on the head!
March 24th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Funny to hear the comments about not driving North American cars. I have had a few foreign cars over the years. Never cared for ‘em. ( I feel a little snooty saying I prefer American cars.)
My dream machines have always been the North American Beautys. Cheaper to fix, at least in my experience. I have had several American cars and loved them all.
Maybe my own “vintage” is showing in my attitude. I have been driving for almost 40 years.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:01 am
Speaking of putting kids in second hand clothing… that was how our Street functioned when my children were young. Certainly it’s hard as they get into their teens. I mean, they have to have new jeans in order to cut the “right” holes in them:)
Our neighbourhood passed garbage bags full of clothing around. We had a large age range of kids from 12 years down to newborn and actually, the little ones looked up to the older kids on the block, so were thrilled to get to wear so-and-so’s dress or shirt etc.
I really only had to buy socks, underwear and shoes for my 4 for years. (and thankfully in the old days there was the baby bonus, so that paid for shoes:)
Kristin, I like what you have to say and the way you are starting out with your new wee one. I get so angry when there is yet another report about the cost of raising a child to the age of …(not sure if they go to 18 or 21 in their reports)
This figure they throw around is based on what??? All new cloths the best of bedroom furniture, private schooling, eating at McDonalds every night, going to Disney World once a year, 5 years of University living on Campus, what ??? It is certainly not based on my kids, who’s form of summer entertainment was the park pool, who ate for free for the first six months, then just ate what portions of our food for another 2. Really, we saved money on food cause we eat at home when we had children. I don’t get it, who is paid to sit in a cubicle and come up with statistical rot like this?? I want their job, sounds like easy money to me:)