Protecting Your Kids
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
When Alexandra was born, one of the toughest decisions Ken and I had to make was deciding who would be her guardian if, heaven forbid, we shuffled off this mortal coil together. We weighed the pros and cons of everyone in our lives and no one was healthy enough, old enough, young enough, strong enough, gentle enough. Eventually we made a good choice … because we made a choice.
The idea of leaving a child behind is traumatic so most people refuse even to consider the possibility. But what if the worst does happen? Having made like an ostrich, you will have left your precious one to cope with the implications. For single parents or sole custody parents who must contemplate child-rearing arrangements in the event of their demise, guardianship issues are particularly significant.
In choosing a guardian you’ll have to decide whats important to you. Continuity of lifestyle, religious beliefs, child-rearing values will all come into the equation. In choosing a guardian, aim for a body who has an on-going relationship with your kids. Thinking about naming your parents? Since it’s unlikely they’ll turn you down, you must be sure in your own mind that they’ll be well enough to take on the job, even through the trying adolescence years. Naming a friend rather than a family member? Discuss it with your family first. Since the appointment of a “custodian”- the legalese for a guardian - is not binding, your wishes could be over-ruled by a court if it feels it is not in the best interest of the child. With your family onside, your kids won’t end up in the middle of a custody battle.
Put some thought into the financial provisions necessary to ensure your children will be raised and educated without being a burden to their guardian. Integrating new children into their household will be difficult enough without the additional financial burden of having to make more space, feed extra mouths and educate extra minds without sufficient financial resources. Using insurance and a regular savings plan, you can build your child a safety net. And if you are actively working towards a secure retirement of your own using a retirement plan, you can designate your dependant children as beneficiaries.
You’ll also have to decide whether your children’s guardian will also be the person who manages their inheritance. You might choose, instead, to appoint more financially experienced people to co-manage your children’s money and provide a regular flow of funds to meet their needs.
Before you officially name your guardian, ask for permission. This is a big responsibility you’re asking someone to assume and you don’t want the person to be “obligated” to say yes. Very often, we ask people to be our children’s “god parents” without ever considering the actual implications of this. It’s a decision that should be carefully considered before acceptance, so don’t take the first “yes” you hear. Ask the person to consider the job, and then check back later for an answer. And be prepared for that person saying “no” if the prospect of managing your crazy brood is simply too overwhelming. Once you’ve found someone willing to step into the breach, have a talk about the values you would like to see in place, the financial provisions you have made, along with all the little details.
Check back periodically to ensure that your children’s perspective guardian still feels up to the job. Life changes, and so can minds. Don’t assume the status quo simply because you’re unwilling to go through the guardianship appointment process again. Part of parenthood involves dealing with all the smelly, squishy, yucky issues. This is just one more of them.
March 19, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I was just talking about this very issue with a co-worker the other day. He has two children, 5 and 1, and doesn’t have a will or legal guardianship in place. I’ll be forwarding him this article!
I do want to just point out that the term “god parents” has no legal standing. This is a religious/spiritual designation. If someone has chosen god parents thinking they will be the children’s guardians, they must still make it legal by way of a will or some other legal agreement. But by asking someone to be god parents, doesn’t make them guardians in the eyes of the law.
March 19, 2008 at 6:40 pm
not claiming right or wrong, we choose a bit of a different path. we named my parents to get immediate custody but the plan is not for them to raise them. we had discussed the possibility of guardianship with 2 couples (family) that are close and ultimately decided on one. so what would happen would be that the day of, they would go to my parents, whom are currently young, healthy and closest to my child. they would then appoint (with permission of course) their permanent legal guardians (already discussed with everyone involved).
our concern was that lives change, people change, couples changes, daily. but my parents don’t. also, we thought that not matter what, they would have our childs best interests at heart (not that others wouldn’t, but if you’ve got other kids to think of, cash flow issues, work issues, what not, it could affect things). this way, if something happens with our desired guardians that would make them less desirable before we could alter the will, we know they are in the best of hands.
a little more complex, but the only way we could feel good about covering every possible circumstance.
March 21, 2008 at 12:17 pm
We struggled through the guardian issue too, and really found no perfect solution. There are so many variables! The faith, financial ability, emotional availability, fundimental morals and of course age that all are factored into it. In the end we had to ask my sister if she would take our 2 sons if anything terrible happened… it was a compromise since she doen’t get along with some of the rest of the family, but she is young enough to be there for them, she also has 2 kids that are very close to mine, my boys love her and they would be in a stable home. It’s all I could hope for… Od course, my boys would be raised differently and their hobbies and lives would change drastically– a terrible, terrible thought!
(I eat right, drive carefully and try to make precautions as I can to increase the chances that I will be here to raise them!)
You are right though Gail, having that stuff all sorted out legally in writing, though unpleasant at the time, reduces the background stress so you can get on with LIVING!