Perspective is a Funny Thing
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
People often write to me to ask me how they’re doing. The give me a list of what they’ve accumulated, their outstanding debt, and a story about how they’re doing. Some people write to ask me if they’re spending too much on housing? Too much on their cars? Too much on food?
The first question that pops into my head when people ask me how they’re doing, or if they are on track is “relative to what?” Look at this picture:
Which orange circle is bigger?
To anyone who hasn’t seen the pictures above before, the answer is easy: the one on the right looks bigger. While, in reality, the two orange circles are exactly the same size, all those little circles around the orange circle on the right make it look bigger than the orange circle surrounded by the bigger circles on the left. It’s a visual trick. It’s called perspective.
Ditto your money and how you’re doing? What are you comparing yourself to? If your friends and family live in bigger houses, drive nicer cars, go on fancier vacations, your circle may seem pretty small by comparison. If you’re flush and all your amigos are struggling, then you may feel that your circle is pretty big. It’s a matter of comparison and perspective.
Now if the next thought running through your head is, “Gail, we shouldn’t compare ourselves to anyone. We should be happy with what we have,” terrific! But for most people those blue (or are they gray?) circles have a lot to do with size of the orange circles, and they can’t help but draw comparisons. Take this letter I got from M as an example:
Dearest Gail, I’m in trouble. I can’t help feeling that I’m missing something. When I go to my sister’s house, her kids are in the best clothes. I shop for my daughter in a second-hand store. My brother and his wife have brand new cars ever couple of years and I’m driving a beat-up old rust-bucket. I make a good living, but after rent and food and childcare, I don’t have the money to take my daughter to Disneyworld, no matter how much I wish I could. My girlfriend has taken her kids twice. She’s a single mom and we make about the same money, so what is it that I’m doing wrong? Can you just point me in the right direction? I’m feeling pretty inadequate as a mom and as a person. Why can’t I do more with what I have? What’s wrong with me?
Life and the world as we know it, full of fancy magazines, pretty TV shows, and malls full of shiny stuff makes it pretty hard to ignore those gray (or are they blue?) circles completely. And even when you know the two orange circles are exactly the same size, your brain still interprets the one on the right as bigger. And the fact that many people are financing those big blue circles on credit only serves to further skew our perspective.
There’s nothing wrong with M, but by comparison she’s feeling like a very small orange circle. She can’t exactly dump her family and friends and hook up with a bunch of poorer people to feel better, so what’s an M to do?
If you can take those gray circles and move them from being about what other people have to what YOU want, you can change the dynamic of the comparison. So instead of it being, “Sally has a new car, I have an old car”, it can be “I want to have $6,000 saved for a replacement car, I’ve got $1,200 saved so far.”
It’s hard to live in the world without comparison. We know we shouldn’t. We even coach our children to not value themselves against anyone else’s standards, that their best is good enough. Maybe some of us need to be taking a page from that same playbook. As long as we’re doing our best, we’re doing fine. We are all works in progress, and as long as we’re making progress, we’re doing well.
The Globe & Mail has posted it’s Best Money Blogs list and I thought I’d let you know so that you can see some examples of stuff other people are writing. Enjoy!
June 26, 2009 at 7:24 am
Once again I agree with Gail wholeheartedly!!…A little patience and discipline go along way toward financial security…with financial security everything feels more secure…I know of several people who are on the same playing field as me in terms of job etc….it seems like they have so much more than me that is bigger and better…BUT, I have a suspicion that all they have that is REALLY bigger than what I have is their DEBT…and that is NOT better…
June 26, 2009 at 7:47 am
Excellent reminders Gail. “Compare yourself to yourself” is the best perspective to take. When I start feeling that I’m not doing so well at my stage of life I remind myself how things were for my parents during the depression and my mom during world war II in Europe.
I like ‘thinking like a camera’ when reflecting on my life. I zoom in for a close-up shot and see what’s right now in front of me – then I zoom out for a long shot and see the ‘big picture’, and realize I’m doing just fine. Then I rewind and see how far I’ve come, and then I fast forward and see where I’d like to be and what steps it will take to get there.
June 26, 2009 at 8:09 am
M, did it ever occur to you that you are doing NOTHING WRONG?
One of my co-workers earns $65 K and her husband earns approx. $95 K. They go on at least 2 cruises and a driving trip per yr. with their 2 young sons, are now putting in an inground pool $25-30K even though they can use her parents’ pool anytime only 5 mins. away, drive new cars and have the best of everything. Even with his salary, I couldn’t figure out how they could “have it all” while I have to save like crazy to go on a vacation (small one) every 2-3 years.
One day while we were driving out of town to our Head Office for a training seminar the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. They constantly live in overdraft, only make minimum payments and their financial security is built on quick sand. Their family has it all BUT FOR HOW LONG?
I could never live like this. I haven’t compared myself to anyone since. I would rather work overtime for my extras and sleep peacefully.
The “kicker” to this story? I mentioned/suggested a T.V. show I watch – you guessed it -Til Debt Do Us Part. She said she watches the show every night and loves it!
So M, with a little patience you will be able to take your daughter to Disney World if it is important enough for you to do so. The child care costs will come to an end. You can save up for your trip with some of that money. Your daughter will be older and will be able to appreciate and remember the trip more.
I don’t see anything “inadequate” about you in what you wrote above. You are living within your means and will be teaching your daughter wonderful values. You are putting her security and needs first by providing a safe and loving home. Every child should be so lucky to have a loving mom like you.
June 26, 2009 at 8:45 am
Hallelujah Gail!! I love the use of the optical illusions to drive home the point-that was so effective, because really, what a lot of people are doing, is creating an illusion of wealth. Whenever appearances could be decieving (which is almost always) my mantra is “you don’t know the whole story”. That goes for the people like Alexandra described, and thsoe people who “make it” by sponging off of their parents well into adulthood, as well as those people who are driving older cars and living in modest homes who have healthy RRSPs and emergency funds!
June 26, 2009 at 9:25 am
Take a look at this comic:
http://christianfinanceblog.com/2009/03/24/funny-net-worth-comic/
You might have a different view of someone’s “success” if their net-worth was on display instead of their possessions.
June 26, 2009 at 9:47 am
Thank you for this Gail. I often fall in the trap of comparison–our in-laws make a combined 6 figure income, have a brand new house, landscape, hot tub, go on a couple of trips a year, etc. Even though I know they make more than us, and have been together longer in terms of getting financially set up, I sometimes feel very very inadequate. My house is so small, I feel uncomfortable even inviting them over at times. Of course, I also try to remind myself of how far we’ve come in a short time–when I compare ourselves to ourselves, I always feel much better about our situation. We actually want for very little, but visiting the in-laws sometimes makes me feel like we ’should’ have more. Hard thing to try and break from that mentality.
June 26, 2009 at 9:50 am
All of these comments are bang on…”M”…your daughter won’t think of what she “didn’t have” when she grows up…she’ll remember all she did have and how you made it all the best of the best for her…when the kids are adults the thing they remember most is whether or not they had all they NEEDED…having some of the WANTS are just a bonus…you are doing just fine the way you are:)
June 26, 2009 at 10:05 am
Gail, this is a great post! I constantly struggle to NOT compare ourselves to our friends and family who seem to be doing far better.
Sometimes I feel like everyone I know owns a house but us (we live in an apartment, and will for the foreseeable future). It is really hard to drive off the green-eyed envy monster sometimes! Then I hear about roots of trees destroying their plumbing, roofs needing re-shingling, basements crumbling, lawns needing mowing, and I remind myself that I don’t have to worry about these types of things.
June 26, 2009 at 11:05 am
Thank you for a great post! I have to remind myself of these things all of the time. Also – I think that ‘M’ is doing a fine job! Like Sparky points out: it is the memories that are built and the values passed on that are the most important. I never went to Disney as a child and still have not gone. My parents just felt it was expensive and a commercial pull. So, while my other friends were off to Disney, I was fishing and hiking in Newfoundland/Northern Ontario etc., and never felt any loss. We went on a ‘big’ family vacation only about every 4 years or so… I am actually happy that we did great yet more frugal vacations as a child – many happy memories.
Also: I am someone who has made unconventional decisions in life, then hit a bump in the road, which has all contributed to delaying my full earning potential – but I don’t regret my decisions at all. I make MUCH less money than my friends…but I balance the cars and homes they own (and their greater debts) with my life experiences (and ones I’m still building), which I wouldn’t exchange for any amount of stuff! Most of my friends understand – a few do not invite me to do things and don’t understand why I am so stringent (ie: why don’t you pay that $150 for a new pair of (unnecessary) sports shoes? for manicures? For gourmet coffee?), which is fine. Once I’m through this phase of my life, I will be earning more, but in the meantime, I must stick to a Gail-inspired budget, stay away from adding to debt and not worry about being relatively poor. It is not always easy to curb my spending…I confess…
BTW – I love the comic that Mikey posted!
June 26, 2009 at 11:08 am
My husband used to ask me when someone we knew was getting something..”how can they afford that and we can’t?” My answer was always the same…you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Not to say that I am “perfect” and don’t wrestle that green-eyed sloth from time to time…but the one thing I know that is different in our household now is that we are happy! We have purchased very few “new” things in our almost 20 year marriage (I know THAT 20 years in itself is a rare gift!) and we are happy. I would rather purchase something second hand that is in good shape than buy some new fad only to see it either depreciate in value or to watch it wear out and feel the pain of having paid for it brand new. Stuff is just that…stuff. We have friends that go on a vacation two or three times a year. Bye! Have fun! But just know that when YOU get back, we have been working on paying off our consumer debt (not much left either except our mortgage!!) and SAVING for a once in awhile vacation (which is March 2010 – last one was September 2006) so that we are consumer debt free by then and only have to work on paying down our mortgage! Thank you again Gail for your insight, wisdom and your show. My husband AND children are hooked on watching it!
June 26, 2009 at 11:27 am
I recently looked at an acreage with a newer comfortable home on it; but when you compared it to the other acreages in the subdivision we would have been the seemingly “poor folk” on the corner. And then we would have ended up with “hobo” status if I ended up getting a couple of chickens (I love chickens and fresh eggs).
Even though I know myself well and know that having the 750 K house isn’t imporatnat to me, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would feel the pressure after a few years of living in a neighborhood like that? So, even though it would be a comfortabel home to live in, in our price range and a decent drive to work… I have put it on the “no” list as there are many other acreages to look at where I would feel entirely comfortable having a few chickens.
June 26, 2009 at 11:28 am
“M” – I never went on a “big” family vacation ever when I was a kid but we had the best vacations ever! We would drive to a campground that was about an hour from home and those are honestly the best memories I have to this date. I hope that someday if I have a family of my own I can create the same types of memories for them.
I have my moments when I struggle with where I am compared to other ppl but like everyone else, I have to remember where I want to be. My goals aren’t their goals. I know that living the “debt-free” live will bring me much more satisfaction (and sleep) then having “things”. I hope that in this life I can learn to love unconditionally instead of being envious or constantly trying to fullfill my life with “things”.
Mikey – Great comic. Helps put it into perseptive in another way.
Have a great weekend all!!!
June 26, 2009 at 11:53 am
Well, I too tend to compare. I’m fortunate most of my friends have the same mindset I do, but co-workers can ‘make ‘ me feel like I should have more. I have a friend who is a missionary in Russia-on her dime, not sponsored, & the conditions over there are so much worse- even for well off professionals. Many people there would envy our modest house & think we are very wealthy. The only thing my friend owns is 1 fourth of a washing machine & her clothes. But.. her passport has been filled..twice.When she comes home for a visit, she looks at all the stuff our western culture has & shakes her head. Mind you, she enjoys the creature comforts we have when she comes here, but doesn’t pine for them when she leaves ( for the most part). So, when I get in that envious mood I think there are so many millions of people in the world who would LOVE to trade places with me.And as for my friend..she is the one I envy.
June 26, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Another great post, as usual. M, from one single mom to another, your child will remember the ‘together’ time, not the stuff you seem to think important because others have ‘it’. My sons remember our camping trips, sleeping in the van when it rained too hard to set up, and eating cold ’spam’ from the can because there was nothing else handy (to this day, we can’t eat that stuff, lol). But it’s the memory of three of us crammed into reclining seats with the rain beating on the roof and talking because we couldn’t sleep that brings a smile to our faces. Especially theirs, cuz when mom is in a vehicle and it is raining, she ALWAYS has to pee!!! Being unionized, I know that all my co-workers make relatively the same as I do. Most of them have upgraded to newer cars, financed. 90% of them smoke, and 50% of them golf as a hobby. I was lucky enough to pay cash for my van, haven’t had a smoke in 25 years, and as my brother says, if he is gonna chase something around the field for a day, he is going to shoot it and eat it!! Being one of the older employees, I have quite a few of my co-workers confide in me, regarding their financial picture, and it makes me very sad. But then they turn around and finance that big screen TV because it is “only $40/month!” Some of them are in too big a hurry to buy a home, to the point of borrowing the down payment from someone, and ending up with a mortgage payment that is double the rent they couldn’t afford last month. I expect to hear more horror stories when I get back from my month off (yippee), where my son, our exchange student from France and I are going hiking in the Hoodoos of Dinosaur Provincial Park; cheap camping, lots of sights to see and marvel over. Growing up, holidays meant there was no work to do at the farm! Disneyland, Mexico, or Vegas hold absolutely no pull over me – I would rather go on a driving trip in my own country and see it’s sights. Maritimes next year!!
June 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Suzanne,
If you are going to the Maritimes, next year, and you make it to Nova Scotia and you love camping… you should definetly look up Kejimkujik (kedgi-muh-KOO-jick) National Park and if you want ammenities you should stay at Slapfoot. Its a great place.
That’s where all my best memories are from.
June 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Timely post, as usual, Gail.
I met one of my dearest friends last night for coffee, she had to get some important crap sorted out RIGHT NOW or she felt like she was going to lose her mind! You see, her and her husband/family have been going through some terribly rough stuff lately, job loses, car troubles, family healthy issues, it seemed to go from bad to worse. She had to take a job that is a hellish 2 hour commute, and it is a soul-sucking “complaints department” job. She feels like she is beaten battered and torn after every day and by the time she gets home in the evening she is too exhausted to appreciate being there, and it’s taking a toll on her family. After 3 months of searching, her husband is working a fairly low paying job (because it’s better than nothing) — should have finished school! — and even though he feels inadequate about his paycheques, he is doing a good job at very meaningful work and is happy. So after much serious thought, my friend has decided to quit the terrible job. A bold move considering they are barely squeaking by on both incomes. She says they will find a way, they HAVE to find a way because the job is killing her (she can not keep body and soul together if she stays with it).
She said the key to her decision was in really looking at what was IMPORTANT to their family instead of comparing her life to what other’s expectations are.
SHE CHANGED HER PERSPECTIVE!
So they will be dropping to one car, cutting out things like weekend beer and the cell phone, and generally tightening up while they find something that is more in tune with their family needs….
June 26, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I get what you’re saying Gail, and I sometimes look at other people and I think “Wha? How is that possible?” But then I think, some of our other friends may look at what WE have, (nice new house, 2 cars, new furniture and appliances and at least one vacation a year) and they must wonder how WE do it, and I realize I don’t know everything about their situations, so I can’t possibly judge.
From the conclusions that most of the other commenters make about people they know, I gather a lot of our friends must think we are in major debt. I’m here to tell you that it’s not always the case. We made modest to okay incomes, but we’ve also done well on investments. The only debt we have is a relatively small mortgage. So, it can be done. Just because people have a lot of nice stuff doesn’t mean they’re stupid with their money and are swimming in debt. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
June 26, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I agree: M, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong!! I actually think it’s far more likely your friend who’s taking her kid to Disneyworld is doing things wrong by spending more than she can afford! That said, maybe her friend just has some generous relatives who give her money regularly to supplement her income (which makes her income actually higher than yours), and that’s how she’s been able to afford the Disneyworld trips. We never really have the whole picture, do we?
And like my parents always told me, “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Maybe on the other side of that fence there is a trust fund that seems great but that came with a major family battle because someone else didn’t get that. Maybe on the other side of the fence there’s a larger income, but it came at the expense of a marriage…
June 26, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Rachel, thanks for the info, always appreciate first hand information on sites we intend to visit. My mom (74) has always wanted to go, so I told her to start saving for next summer. That’s the goal….
June 26, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Received this in the mail today. There are 43 pearls of wisdom. It was compiled by 90 year old Regina Brett and submitted to a Cleveland, Ohio newspaper. Hope you don’t mind my sharing a few….
1 . Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
9. Save for your retirement with your first paycheck.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words “in five years
will this matter!”
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
June 26, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Love the post Gai;l, but how come you are not on the top money blogs? You should be!
June 27, 2009 at 1:01 am
Being a post graduate from a psychology course the optical Illusions are not so fun anymore, anywho Gail definately uses them to create a great analogy.
The thing is no matter where we are in life or weather we want to or not, we will compare our lives to that of others. I find myself doing it all the time. But the key is I am happy with my life. Sure it would be great to own my own home, have brand new cars, Have the top of the line clothes for my kids as well as top of the line furniture for my house.
I grew up with little money so I really had no idea what I was missing. On the whole i turned ut to be quite a content person. Do I want better for my family? Of course I do, but im not letting myself get further in debt for the appearance of Being well off.
June 28, 2009 at 9:47 am
Dear Catherine,
Thanks for sharing the Regina Brett pearls of wisdom – they are very wise indeed!
June 28, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I echo those here who have suggested that we in the western world just don’t have problems. You want a change in perspective that will take your breath away? Go to any country in Africa and see what life is like for the average person there.
This is an exercise I do with myself whenever I am feeling discontent or anxious over life. One quick memory of the people I met in Kenya and Tanzania and the sort of things that they face and I am quickly embarrassed by my own riches. Compared to most of the world, my problems now are so minor they don’t even qualify as problems!
I know that job losses and things like that are nothing to laugh away, but in many parts of the world, the recession has meant a massive increase in food prices and actual starvation for some people. It’s just not in the same league.
That global shift in perspective does two things for me. It reminds me to be very very grateful for the life I have. And it reminds me to look at the bigger picture and realize that obsessing about houses and cars is such a waste of my time. That I have a lot more to give the world than that. That usually energizes me into something more productive.
I also wanted to say that I too had an absolutely golden childhood without a single trip to Disneyland. My summers were filled with camping, mountain climbing, swimming in alpine lakes, and playing outside. I have a sense of privilege about that, not a sense of deprivation about Disneyland. Why would I ever waste money on a commercial, pre-packaged, overpriced experience like Disney when I live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet and can literally step out my backdoor and enjoy nature that others will come across the world to see?