Comments on: Keeping Score

By: Slinky

Slinky — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:58:49 +0000

Oh my, I’m picturing my grandparent’s having that conversation. Lol!

For myself, I’ve found that instead of concentrating on the what, asking why can help. At one point, I was annoyed with my fiance pushing to save for a new tv and he was frustrated with my dismissal of the whole idea. Turns out he never actually mentioned the fact that our current tv was on its last legs which really puts a whole different spin on things.

By: michelle

michelle — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:35:34 +0000

Since we’ve had kids this has been a much easier task for us – surprisingly! I am much more laid back about things, so it’s made him a little more laid back (I was the worst one, though). We just seem to know how important each other’s things are…the other night he had mentioned in the morning that he may want to go out to watch the game…then my cousin called who was home from away and wanted to go out for an hour or two, so I told her I may not be able to…so I mentioned it to him and he had made the plans but cancelled so I could go out!!! It makes it easier to “negotiate” the next time and do favours for each other when you make the effort.

By: psychsarah

psychsarah — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:48:39 +0000

Omzig-it was no easy task, let me tell you. It took a fair bit of discussion (admittedly, sometimes it was quite heated discussion) for my husband and I to get on the same page with this (and continues to be a bit of a struggle occassionally). Not to be preaching to the choir here, but the jars did help with this issue. If there’s only X amount in the entertainment jar for the week, we have to discuss how we’re going to spend that. It made it more real to him to see the cash sitting there, and to realize that once its gone, its gone.

It’s funny you should say that your DH will say something cost $20 when it’s really $57. The ongoing (mostly funny) debate at my house is that if something costs $26, I say it costs $30, while my DH says it costs $20-you can see how that might mess with the budget a little eh? We like to laugh at this little foible of ours…

By: dlm

dlm — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:00:23 +0000

My husband and I use the number system all the time — if we’re both over a 5, we’ll probably do the whatever.
Also toss a coin — while it’s in the air you know if you want heads or tails.

By: Cheapado

Cheapado — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:09:34 +0000

And of course, I meant few people have the wit YOU do to write so poignantly with snark.

By: Cheapado

Cheapado — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:08:37 +0000

Gail,
I was laughing my head off.
Your point always sears through your biting sarcasm.
I get it. So very few people have the wit to do so.
Keep it up.

This point has very little to do with in laws IMHO.
An excellent lesson.

By: Gail

Gail — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 14:33:50 +0000

Hustler, I’m so happy to get your note. It was meant to be funny, yet so many took it to be deadly serious. The strategy is sound for those who can make it work. The example was meant to illustrate you can use the strategy for anything, not just financial decisions. I’m glad I made you laugh!

By: hustler

hustler — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 07:24:59 +0000

This is such good advice. (I’m hoping my husband will use his 3 and it’ll be my automatic win when we’re buying a house! Just kidding.) You are so funny, I was laughing so much while reading.

By: Kate

Kate — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:25:48 +0000

I lucked out- cross-cultural marriages mean holidays are (relatively) easy! Christmas with one family, Passover with the other!

*phew*

By: Suzanne

Suzanne — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:24:04 +0000

Our family has always had a “every other year” Christmas policy. You marry into the family, you spend one year with those in-laws, the next with your own family. This has always worked for us – it might not always have been at my parents’ place, but at one of my siblings. The same for the other side. It made planning so much easier, as the families were spread out over two provinces as well. That gave each family two years to plan and save for the travel if required. As for keeping score, I can relate – my dad smoked, so mom had her ’smoking money’, which usually got hoarded and used for some farm emergency anyway. I was subjected to the desire to have (for myself) the same amount of money that my ex spent on his musical instruments, etc. but as others have stated, you can’t spend the same money twice. I guess we have to set boundaries early in a relationship to ensure fairness, because some of us are just born doormats!! One good excuse, I guess, for remaining single – I am tired of “”sharing”".

By: Bud

Bud — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:02:26 +0000

Elizabeth: I agree with you! I also have a older sister that thinks she should have it always her way and she doesn’t see it at all!
My husband and I when we first got married just over six yrs ago. Negrotiate that when we were at his family house that when he gave cue that his ready to leave.. It time for me to get ready to leave.. On the way to my parents house or siblings home we agreed that he put a time limit on visiting with them.. But as the yrs gone by he has put a longer time limit on visiting considering what the occasion is…

By: Momma Pants

Momma Pants — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:02:10 +0000

I think the example is pulling attention away from the strategy. Personally, I think it’s an awesome way for the partner in the relationship who may not be so great at articulating his/her perspective to express how important something is.

In our relationship, I talk through everything while he processes internally. In arguments I can talk circles around him until he has no choice but to agree with me. I know this is a bad habit and I try to resist the urge, but at the same time, I get very frustrated when he won’t voice how he feels about something or when he gives in rather than fighting (ahem– negotiating) for what he wants. He’s a math guy, so I think this number thing will really work for him!

By: Steve

Steve — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:58:41 +0000

Very good post. My fiance and I have a shared bank account now and there are some things that we should not purchase but it is a tough situation (we were both single for so long – and we always got our way).

The previous comment talks about trust. I am learning to trust her with everything. I don’t have any problems having a shared account, because I learned to trust her.

By: *pol

*pol — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:45:46 +0000

My sister and her husband negotiate on EVERYTHING. She agreed to keep her hair long if he agreed never to grow a mustache, she agreed to take his last name when they were married if he would agree to get ‘the snip’ after 2 kids. It seems to work for them, but I find it repugnant!
I count on my husband taking my word on it if I say there is something I definitely want to avoid, and if he does it anyway, I expect a very good reason. He hasn’t let me down. He provides excellent and logical reasons and I end up in agreement 99.9% of the time. That works in reverse as well. He trusts MY judgement, so I make sure I am careful about my reasons for doing something that I know he is not in favour of.

It doesn’t mean we don’t EVER make deals though! Christmas and holiday time are always a long drawn out process of planning and figuring out where when and how.

Negotiations can be bad too, like psychsarah points out, the money can’t be spent twice. My sister also uses negotiation in spending. If he can smoke, then she can buy clothes, if he gets beer, she wants wine, if he goes fishing, she gets new toys, if he wants a big screen TV, then she gets a King sized bed (with new linens of course). The have spent themselves in collosal sums in the name of ‘fairness’. Again, I don’t see how it is a good idea, but they seem very happy doing it (as long as it’s fair).

By: Ina

Ina — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:40:23 +0000

I can totally relate to Elizabeth – my sister-in-law is always voicing my mother-in-law’s “her way or the highway” mentality. We often don’t get a choice and end up changing our plans to accommodate what they want to do. It’s either that or deal with the mother of all meltdowns and/or incessant nagging. It’s really annoying sometimes because they never consult with us and just expect us to drop everything for them. So now we’re trying something new – he’ll just go do stuff with them, but I don’t necessarily have to go unless it’s some kind of special occasion like a birthday or holiday. I think I can only deal with the nagging once during a month…not every other week. =) There’s my personal gripe, heehee! =)