Comments on: When Adult Kids Move Home http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:25:59 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Fay http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-17620 Fay Sun, 04 Oct 2009 03:03:49 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-17620 Lost: He has no respect for you or his father because you have trained him not to, through your actions of love. If you want him to change you will have to play hard ball, and have the courage to kick him out if the rules (ie the ones Gail has outlined) under your and your husband's roof are not followed. It is "tough" love, but what he is doing is abusing your and your husband's love and caring nature. Good Luck! Lost:

He has no respect for you or his father because you have trained him not to, through your actions of love. If you want him to change you will have to play hard ball, and have the courage to kick him out if the rules (ie the ones Gail has outlined) under your and your husband’s roof are not followed. It is “tough” love, but what he is doing is abusing your and your husband’s love and caring nature. Good Luck!

]]> By: Marie http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-13178 Marie Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:10:51 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-13178 Lost: So sorry for the situation. Make it a RULE that if his debt decreases EVERY MONTH by a preset amount and he starts a emergency fund, he can stay home a bit longer for free. Go through setting up a budget with him. Request that he shows you the decreasing balance eVERY MONTH. Congratulate him EVERY time he does according to plans. His upbringing is you responsibility. It is your business that every one under your roof behaves responsibly (and have some fun). Lost:
So sorry for the situation. Make it a RULE that if his debt decreases EVERY MONTH by a preset amount and he starts a emergency fund, he can stay home a bit longer for free. Go through setting up a budget with him. Request that he shows you the decreasing balance eVERY MONTH. Congratulate him EVERY time he does according to plans.
His upbringing is you responsibility. It is your business that every one under your roof behaves responsibly (and have some fun).

]]> By: Lost http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-13173 Lost Fri, 19 Jun 2009 17:17:05 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-13173 I have a 23 year old step son who lives with his Dad an myself. He has a full time job but has over extended himself terribly. He has run up credit cards and bought things he just can't afford. He stays out all night playing computer games with friends and doesn't come home unless it's to shower or eat. I recently made the decision on my own because he got a demotion at work and is terribly over extended to let him off paying his room and board for the next 6 months (was $150.00 per month all inclusive). Since then he does whatever he wants, eats out daily, buys whatever he wants. He has told us his life is none of our bussiness and to mind our own bussiness. We have tried to share solutions, like getting a part time job or living on a budget. I don't think there is any time of the day Till Debt do us Part isn't on our televison but he just walks away. When he was making good money he just spent and spent until it was gone even after I told him he had to put 10% away. I guess what I am asking for is advise because he has no respect for me or his father. I feel bad about a decision that I thought would make his life easier turned into a horrible mistake and the frusteration for me and my husband is huge. Help!!! I have a 23 year old step son who lives with his Dad an myself. He has a full time job but has over extended himself terribly. He has run up credit cards and bought things he just can’t afford. He stays out all night playing computer games with friends and doesn’t come home unless it’s to shower or eat.
I recently made the decision on my own because he got a demotion at work and is terribly over extended to let him off paying his room and board for the next 6 months (was $150.00 per month all inclusive). Since then he does whatever he wants, eats out daily, buys whatever he wants. He has told us his life is none of our bussiness and to mind our own bussiness.
We have tried to share solutions, like getting a part time job or living on a budget. I don’t think there is any time of the day Till Debt do us Part isn’t on our televison but he just walks away.
When he was making good money he just spent and spent until it was gone even after I told him he had to put 10% away.
I guess what I am asking for is advise because he has no respect for me or his father.
I feel bad about a decision that I thought would make his life easier turned into a horrible mistake and the frusteration for me and my husband is huge.

Help!!!

]]> By: When Adult Kids Move Home « gailvazoxlade.com « attn:money - A community weblog for people with problems related to managing their bills, debts, and planning. http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12569 When Adult Kids Move Home « gailvazoxlade.com « attn:money - A community weblog for people with problems related to managing their bills, debts, and planning. Tue, 09 Jun 2009 02:32:09 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12569 [...] I’m of two minds on the whole issue of adult kids moving home,” Gail Vaz-Oxlade begins her article with the above title. var addthis_pub="dougatkaye"; Tags: boomerang kids, budgeting, [...] [...] I’m of two minds on the whole issue of adult kids moving home,” Gail Vaz-Oxlade begins her article with the above title. var addthis_pub=”dougatkaye”; Tags: boomerang kids, budgeting, [...]

]]> By: Shannon http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12339 Shannon Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:55:46 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12339 Dotty, good luck to you, whatever you decide. Maybe some sessions with a therapist would help you sort out your relationship with your parents. I opted to live at home after high school and attend a local college. After my first year my mom decided to move in with her boyfriend so they bought a house with a basement apartment. I moved into the apartment and the arrangement was that as long as I was in school I didn't need to pay rent. Once I finished and had landed a full time job I started paying rent - less then what they could have rented the apartment out for, but more then just a token amount. I also had a seperate phone line and paid for that, and bought my own groceries and mostly cooked in my own kitchen. I lived there for a year and a couple months after I started my full time job, and then I moved out into an apartment with my boyfriend. My boyfriend was also living with his parents when we started dating, along with his two brothers (one was still in high school, the other wasn't and was working FT). They didn't pay rent or anything, and I remember one time I was over at their house and their mom made a comment about maybe they should start paying rent, and my bf's brother started arguing with her and said parents shouldn't make their kids pay rent, and I piped right in with, "I pay rent." He wasn't too thrilled with me for that comment! Dotty, good luck to you, whatever you decide. Maybe some sessions with a therapist would help you sort out your relationship with your parents.

I opted to live at home after high school and attend a local college. After my first year my mom decided to move in with her boyfriend so they bought a house with a basement apartment. I moved into the apartment and the arrangement was that as long as I was in school I didn’t need to pay rent. Once I finished and had landed a full time job I started paying rent – less then what they could have rented the apartment out for, but more then just a token amount. I also had a seperate phone line and paid for that, and bought my own groceries and mostly cooked in my own kitchen. I lived there for a year and a couple months after I started my full time job, and then I moved out into an apartment with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend was also living with his parents when we started dating, along with his two brothers (one was still in high school, the other wasn’t and was working FT). They didn’t pay rent or anything, and I remember one time I was over at their house and their mom made a comment about maybe they should start paying rent, and my bf’s brother started arguing with her and said parents shouldn’t make their kids pay rent, and I piped right in with, “I pay rent.” He wasn’t too thrilled with me for that comment!

]]> By: chloe http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12338 chloe Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:55:18 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12338 Dear Dotty Dot Dot, good luck with what you decide. It's hard to disagree with people you love, especially your parents. It's hard to set limits. I too stayed in school for one more degree than my mother thought necessary. Now that I am a successful professional, she disapproves of my hard-working lifestyle (why? because I am not a housewife? I have two kids and a husband. Honestly). In fact, just yesterday when I refused to pay for a sibling's share of a planned family vacation, she called me "mercenary". That said, we are having a family vacation, the whole extended family, together. I am paying for my fair share and no more. Finally, at nearly 40, I can no longer be bullied or guilted by my mother. And do you know what? all of us will have a nice time together. Let us know how it works out with YOUR parents. sincerely, "Mercenary" Chloe Dear Dotty Dot Dot,

good luck with what you decide. It’s hard to disagree with people you love, especially your parents. It’s hard to set limits. I too stayed in school for one more degree than my mother thought necessary. Now that I am a successful professional, she disapproves of my hard-working lifestyle (why? because I am not a housewife? I have two kids and a husband. Honestly).

In fact, just yesterday when I refused to pay for a sibling’s share of a planned family vacation, she called me “mercenary”.

That said, we are having a family vacation, the whole extended family, together. I am paying for my fair share and no more. Finally, at nearly 40, I can no longer be bullied or guilted by my mother. And do you know what? all of us will have a nice time together.

Let us know how it works out with YOUR parents.

sincerely,
“Mercenary” Chloe

]]> By: Ann http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12335 Ann Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:50:45 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12335 Oh, and my mom and I still love each other. In fact, we get along better now that I'm not living at home. There's no "life-long guilt." However, I should add I want my parents to move in with me. There's a difference between living with your parents and them living with you. And, frankly, it's selfish on my part because it's a pain to keep driving across the city to check up on them every couple of days. When they get older, if they're still too stubborn to move in with me, I'll probably have to buy a house in their neighbourhood for convenience. Oh, and my mom and I still love each other. In fact, we get along better now that I’m not living at home. There’s no “life-long guilt.”

However, I should add I want my parents to move in with me. There’s a difference between living with your parents and them living with you. And, frankly, it’s selfish on my part because it’s a pain to keep driving across the city to check up on them every couple of days. When they get older, if they’re still too stubborn to move in with me, I’ll probably have to buy a house in their neighbourhood for convenience.

]]> By: Ann http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12332 Ann Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:41:49 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12332 @ Dotty dot dot: In my culture, children do not leave their parents' home until they marry. But I did it anyway--despite their protests, my grandmother's protests, my aunts' and uncles' protests--because that's what I wanted. All my life, I've been told I can't do things (e.g. move out, get a degree, buy a home, etc.) because I'm young, female, and not married, but I'm really good at tuning those people out. It sounds like you're using your parents as an excuse to stay home. @ Dotty dot dot: In my culture, children do not leave their parents’ home until they marry. But I did it anyway–despite their protests, my grandmother’s protests, my aunts’ and uncles’ protests–because that’s what I wanted. All my life, I’ve been told I can’t do things (e.g. move out, get a degree, buy a home, etc.) because I’m young, female, and not married, but I’m really good at tuning those people out.

It sounds like you’re using your parents as an excuse to stay home.

]]> By: Christina http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12322 Christina Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:37:12 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12322 It's tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home -- the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It's becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great tips in this thread -- there are more available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com. It’s tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home — the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It’s becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great tips in this thread — there are more available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.

]]> By: moneymagnet http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12317 moneymagnet Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:50:14 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12317 I don’t always get on here on a daily basis – so am catching up and commenting. So true wise Gail. The thing about what some parents view as ‘helping’ really means ‘crippling’. Although not a parent myself, you help your kids when you allow them to grow up and be contributing members of society and earn their way in life because when the day should come that your time on earth ends, you must know in your heart that your child(ren) will be able to navigate life without your presence. I was also raised in a traditional family where a daughter doesn’t move out until she marries. May late parents, however, never shoved us out the door, nor stopped us when we decided to spread our wings!! It gives you a sense of freedom and accomplishment when you can pay your own bills, hold a job and save for something you really want without having to rely on anyone; and when the opportunity should arise that you may need to move back for any number of reasons that Gail mentioned, you go back as an adult who contributes to the parents household. As the saying goes, ‘a hand up, not a handout’. I don’t always get on here on a daily basis – so am catching up and commenting. So true wise Gail. The thing about what some parents view as ‘helping’ really means ‘crippling’. Although not a parent myself, you help your kids when you allow them to grow up and be contributing members of society and earn their way in life because when the day should come that your time on earth ends, you must know in your heart that your child(ren) will be able to navigate life without your presence. I was also raised in a traditional family where a daughter doesn’t move out until she marries. May late parents, however, never shoved us out the door, nor stopped us when we decided to spread our wings!! It gives you a sense of freedom and accomplishment when you can pay your own bills, hold a job and save for something you really want without having to rely on anyone; and when the opportunity should arise that you may need to move back for any number of reasons that Gail mentioned, you go back as an adult who contributes to the parents household. As the saying goes, ‘a hand up, not a handout’.

]]> By: Gail says... http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12283 Gail says... Wed, 03 Jun 2009 09:43:24 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12283 Dotty: I'm weighing in to tell you that the only way to be happy is to have a life that you love living. If you're following someone else's expectations, you can't be happy because it's not YOUR life, it's the life someone else has imagined for you. As for being selfish, aren't those who are telling you to do what they want you to do themselves demonstrating how selfish they are? No doubt your biggest fear is the fear of what you will lose -- your family, your place to belong -- because you go against the conventions of your culture and your family. But that's what growth sometimes requires. I know what it is like to be "all on my own", and sometimes it hurts like a bitch! But most of the time it means I am the master of my fate. And that is absolutely worth it. To the rest of my peeps: I am so moved by your empathy and caring. This is a great community and I love reading what you're thinking about. I am very proud to be part of this experience. Kisses to you. Dotty: I’m weighing in to tell you that the only way to be happy is to have a life that you love living. If you’re following someone else’s expectations, you can’t be happy because it’s not YOUR life, it’s the life someone else has imagined for you. As for being selfish, aren’t those who are telling you to do what they want you to do themselves demonstrating how selfish they are?

No doubt your biggest fear is the fear of what you will lose — your family, your place to belong — because you go against the conventions of your culture and your family. But that’s what growth sometimes requires. I know what it is like to be “all on my own”, and sometimes it hurts like a bitch! But most of the time it means I am the master of my fate. And that is absolutely worth it.

To the rest of my peeps: I am so moved by your empathy and caring. This is a great community and I love reading what you’re thinking about. I am very proud to be part of this experience. Kisses to you.

]]> By: *pol http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12271 *pol Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:21:21 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12271 I was told in no uncertain terms that I was on my own the minute I graduated highschool. I was told that from day one, and I was told why too! My dad told me how the best lessons are learned from experience, and I had my whole life ahead of me to learn that working harder was not always working smarter.... and that something that I earn myself is much more appreciated than anything handed to me. (Then he died just before I graduated, but that's another story). But I was prepared emotionally, and really looking forward to being an adult and earning and learning about life and what I could do with it! I HAD to earn the money to buy a car before my parents would let me get a drivers license! I HAD to get great grades so I could get the bursaries so I could go to college! I had to budget my butt off so that I could stay in the town that had the college I wanted to attend, and I had to work one (or more) part time jobs so that I could afford to finish the diploma. I never considered the luxury of going home! And I never asked for a hand out. Why put them through that? They raised me to be a responsible adult.... call it tough love if you want, I call it practical parenting! I had a friend that had college paid for by mommy and daddy. And a friend that still lived at home in her 30s. I am happy they got to extend the bliss of childhood a bit longer, but I think their parents weren't doing them any favours sheltering them from the "real world" of personal financial responsibilty. My poor boys are hearing it young.... "you are responsible for your own expenses".... "If you want it, you'd better start saving for it"....etc... they are going to so tired of hearing it all, by the time they are 18, they will be running for the door! I was told in no uncertain terms that I was on my own the minute I graduated highschool. I was told that from day one, and I was told why too! My dad told me how the best lessons are learned from experience, and I had my whole life ahead of me to learn that working harder was not always working smarter…. and that something that I earn myself is much more appreciated than anything handed to me. (Then he died just before I graduated, but that’s another story).
But I was prepared emotionally, and really looking forward to being an adult and earning and learning about life and what I could do with it!
I HAD to earn the money to buy a car before my parents would let me get a drivers license! I HAD to get great grades so I could get the bursaries so I could go to college! I had to budget my butt off so that I could stay in the town that had the college I wanted to attend, and I had to work one (or more) part time jobs so that I could afford to finish the diploma. I never considered the luxury of going home! And I never asked for a hand out. Why put them through that?
They raised me to be a responsible adult…. call it tough love if you want, I call it practical parenting!

I had a friend that had college paid for by mommy and daddy. And a friend that still lived at home in her 30s. I am happy they got to extend the bliss of childhood a bit longer, but I think their parents weren’t doing them any favours sheltering them from the “real world” of personal financial responsibilty.

My poor boys are hearing it young…. “you are responsible for your own expenses”…. “If you want it, you’d better start saving for it”….etc… they are going to so tired of hearing it all, by the time they are 18, they will be running for the door!

]]> By: Marcie http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12266 Marcie Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:02:07 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12266 Ina, it is too bad you feel the way you do. This post today has made me realize how lucky I am to have parents who were always proud of me & my siblings, just for being us. I never once felt like I wasn't good enough, and my parents held high expectations for us. A rule in our house was always that we could live at home "for free" as long as we were in school full-time, for our first undergrad degree only. It pretty much forced us to get our butts in gear and be out of the house by 23. We had to pay our own tuition by working full-time throughout the summer, and part-time during the school year. They paid for our food, and rent & utilities. It was not easy and I often felt like my parents were selfish at the time, as I went to school with lots of kids whose parents foot the entire bill. They made good money and it didn't seem fair. After having had the experience, and also having gone through a 2nd degree that I had to fund on my own, I learned SO much about budgeting, saving and making sure I only spend on the things that are important. Ina, it is too bad you feel the way you do.

This post today has made me realize how lucky I am to have parents who were always proud of me & my siblings, just for being us. I never once felt like I wasn’t good enough, and my parents held high expectations for us.

A rule in our house was always that we could live at home “for free” as long as we were in school full-time, for our first undergrad degree only. It pretty much forced us to get our butts in gear and be out of the house by 23. We had to pay our own tuition by working full-time throughout the summer, and part-time during the school year. They paid for our food, and rent & utilities. It was not easy and I often felt like my parents were selfish at the time, as I went to school with lots of kids whose parents foot the entire bill. They made good money and it didn’t seem fair.

After having had the experience, and also having gone through a 2nd degree that I had to fund on my own, I learned SO much about budgeting, saving and making sure I only spend on the things that are important.

]]> By: diana http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12265 diana Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:01:19 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12265 dot, i understand the whole 'old world thing'.....being raised that very same way. please don't let the guilt and the bit about being 'selfish' get to you...... i believe they are coming from a point of fear.....of the new world still so strange to them (in spite of being here for many years, many need the 'security' of old world traditions) you've already proven you can make your own way and live in the new world while respecting your parents still living in the old world. i'm proud of what you have done...as a daughter (you even said your 'brothers couldn't make it on their own') and as a woman. you're not selfish in the least-stand your ground, on your own two feet. trust me - you won't regret it. dot, i understand the whole ‘old world thing’…..being raised that very same way.
please don’t let the guilt and the bit about being ’selfish’ get to you……
i believe they are coming from a point of fear…..of the new world still so strange to them (in spite of being here for many years, many need the ’security’ of old world traditions)

you’ve already proven you can make your own way and live in the new world while respecting your parents still living in the old world. i’m proud of what you have done…as a daughter (you even said your ‘brothers couldn’t make it on their own’) and as a woman.

you’re not selfish in the least-stand your ground, on your own two feet.
trust me – you won’t regret it.

]]> By: Saver Queen http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/687/comment-page-1#comment-12262 Saver Queen Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:00:24 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=687#comment-12262 Dot - I'm sure the situation cannot be easy. My boyfriend was in a somewhat similar situation, in that he had to choose between the love of his parents and a life of his own. After choosing a lifestyle that differed from his parents, they refused to speak to him - ever. They ignored his letters and haven't spoken to him for years. He would tell you that even in this extreme case, it has all been worth it. He has his freedom - enjoying a loving relationship, a great job, great friends, and a fulfilling life. Even if you're afraid of the worst case scenario here, I'm sure that your freedom to work at a job you love, and find a husband of your own choosing, and doing what you will with your own money, will make it worth it. Good luck! Geoff, I think it was unkind to suggest that Dotty was not smart. I think it is obvious that she is a smart woman, to be put through these challenges and come out with a PhD. Graduate school is unbelievably hard. It's hard to judge without knowing what someone's life is really like, Dot – I’m sure the situation cannot be easy. My boyfriend was in a somewhat similar situation, in that he had to choose between the love of his parents and a life of his own. After choosing a lifestyle that differed from his parents, they refused to speak to him – ever. They ignored his letters and haven’t spoken to him for years. He would tell you that even in this extreme case, it has all been worth it. He has his freedom – enjoying a loving relationship, a great job, great friends, and a fulfilling life.

Even if you’re afraid of the worst case scenario here, I’m sure that your freedom to work at a job you love, and find a husband of your own choosing, and doing what you will with your own money, will make it worth it. Good luck!

Geoff, I think it was unkind to suggest that Dotty was not smart. I think it is obvious that she is a smart woman, to be put through these challenges and come out with a PhD. Graduate school is unbelievably hard. It’s hard to judge without knowing what someone’s life is really like,

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