When Adult Kids Move Home
Posted by Gail | Filed under Bad Habits!, Kids & Money
I have to admit I’m of two minds on the whole issue of adult kids moving home. Termed “Boomerang kids” by the media and these are adult children who have left home only to return to the nest. Whether the cold hard reality of life on their own was too much to take, or they’ve suffered a significant set-back like unemployment, divorce or some other relationship malady, kids are coming home in record numbers. Some stats hold that the Kids-Moving-Back-Home phenomenon has doubled in the last half-century. And according to the National Survey of Households and Families in the U.S., 10% of all children over the age of 25 live with their parents.
Yup, I’m of two minds:
On the one hand, I think it’s terrific that parents are willing and able to help their children, particularly if the set-back those kids are facing is a result of crap happening. Who could foresee that your daughter’s lovely fiancé would turn into a drinking, gambling fool who couldn’t hold a job? Or that the lovely girl your boy brought home from college can’t keep her hand out of his wallet? If divorce happens, and you can help ease the burden by offering a roof and some emotional support, good for you as parents. Ditto kids who find themselves unexpectedly out of work, or dealing with an illness no one could have foreseen.
On the other hand, I think it’s downright dumb the way some parents let their kids move home, do little or nothing to pull their own weight, pay no rent, and still live high off the hog. There are adults living in their parents’ home who think it’s perfectly fine to eat out four nights out of seven, who don’t lift a finger to do anything to help out around the house, and who won’t cough up a penny to help with the costs of living. There are adults living in their parents’ home who get pregnant when they don’t have the money to put a roof over their own heads. There are adults living in their parents’ home who have no plan for how to get the hell out.
I received a letter from a young lady recently bemoaning the fact that she and her husband are still living in her parents’ basement. After moving home with him because she got pregnant and they didn’t yet have their crap together, they proceeded to have four children! Now she wants to know what she should do? Gosh, if you can’t take care of yourself, why would you think it’s okay to have four kids? What ever happened to “grow up” first?
If you have adult children who are planning to move back, you’ll do them no favours if you let them live the life of a teenager: sleeping late, taking no responsibility for themselves, and expecting everything to be done for them. While this is barely acceptable from a kid, it is totally unacceptable from an adult.
I don’t care how much you love your son or daughter. Adults do not have the right to mooch off their parents because the alternative is hard. If your kids have chosen to stay in school for a decade, why do they get to have all the benefits of your (hard working) life while they are students? And if they’re old enough to bring another life into the world, they’re old enough to put a roof over their own heads, and food in that baby’s belly. Enough with the coddling.
That’s not to say that you should turn your children away with a cold shoulder. But if you’re going to let a young adult move home, then you should at least have some rules about what’s what.
Make sure you have an end game in mind. How long will they live with you? What’s their move-out date? Failing that, when will you sit down again to assess how they’re doing and set the move-out date? Establish a time line up front so your adult children don’t get the idea this is a permanent arrangement. Your kids shouldn’t have to worry about being kicked out on a whim. Nor should they get so comfortable that life at “home” becomes the status quo.
Talk about the money. If your kids are trying to save the downpayment on a home, have them pay you “rent” that not only covers the increased costs of having them under your roof, but sets aside the amount for the downpayment every month. Ditto kids who are paying off debt; make sure the money is going where it’s supposed to go. Unless your child has absolutely no income, they must accept responsibility for some of the household expenses. And for those who have very limited incomes or who are busting their butts to get debt paid off, exchange what you have to offer for their skills as garbage collectors, cooks, cleaners, laundresses, snow-shovellers, drivers, and whatever else they can do to make your life easier.
One way or another, your adult children need to pay their way to keep their self-respect and not turn back into your “babies.” Let them off the hook on rent and other financial responsibilities – let them spend their income any ol’ way they want – and you’ll be teaching them to live on a disposable income they’ll never again have. And let them live at home with no expectations for when they’ll leave and they won’t. Why would they? They’ve got it good and they know it.
Back to the young lady who wrote me…
Sweetie, if you want to have a life, you’ve got to be prepared to pay for it. Life doesn’t come cheap. And it doesn’t come easy. Independence is a sign of maturity. If you’ve finally reached the point where you’ve recognized the importance of becoming independent, then you’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make it so. Thank your parents and get the hell out of their basement!
June 2, 2009 at 7:45 am
We are incredibly grateful that hubby’s parents let him move back in with them last year. He was on the verge of losing his job here, and got a solid offer back in their city- albeit with a 13k paycut. With a house and a solid Kate-job here, I couldn’t just pick up and move. Without their help, he would’ve had to turn the job down (we just couldn’t afford it + the commuting cost over the long term) and faced almost certain job loss (even less affordable).
So a big thank-you to all the parents out there who lend a hand and let their (responsbile) kids move back home for a bit! Some days I feel like I can’t say thank you enough…
June 2, 2009 at 8:52 am
My husband and I before we married lived in my in-laws basement for a year or so. We were able to save up for a downpayment on our house. We still paid rent enough to cover our food/utility usage though and I believe Gail is right in saying there should be conditions! Otherwise my husband (only child) may of been babied like no tomorrow and we (I) would of felt like moochs… Thank you in-laws!
June 2, 2009 at 9:16 am
But what about boomerang parents?
June 2, 2009 at 9:30 am
Thanks, Gail for posting this while my children are all still young! I see other families where the adult children are at home, and I’ve been trying to sort out a proper response my husband and I could have in the same situation. Your tips are great! I think you present a clear idea of what kind of guidelines should come into play.
(I may need to pass this on to my mom…)
June 2, 2009 at 10:02 am
I can not imagine living at home with my parents after being on my own! When I went through a divorce I worked 3 jobs to remain independent.
June 2, 2009 at 10:03 am
And then there are the parents who force their kids back home.
I’m 28, a grad student completing her PhD, and two “old world” parents that have made it very clear that once I’m done my studies I have to move back home and stay there until I’m married.
This means it will be impossible for me to gain experience in my field because there are zero jobs available in my area where my parents live. This also means I will have to move two hours away from my boyfriend, and be forced into a long-distance relationship.
But what makes it even worse, is that I know full well that my parents want to piggy back off of me. Granted, they are very hard working people. But any dime I make, they will take.
So, I ask you this: how does one thrive under these “cultural traditions”?
June 2, 2009 at 10:20 am
I agree that children should not be mooching off their parents. If you’re all adults then you need to act like adults. In this day and age however I think parents and their children are so focussed on living apart and getting their own “space” that we have created a situation where we no longer feel any responsibility for our family members. My parents let me live with them while I went through University but made life very difficult for me. When I graduated all they ever did was complain to anyone that would listen how I was still at home (and yes, I paid household bills and bought groceries and offered rent – which refused to take). I moved out within two months of graduation and never looked back.
Years later when my mother’s health began to fail my father was begging me to move back home to help with her care. There’s not a lot of incentive for me to do so. I help when I can, I even moved back to the city, but I won’t move back home.
Before kicking your kids out of your house ask yourself if having them around offers some security and peace of mind in your household?
June 2, 2009 at 10:22 am
To Dotty: Why do you “have” to move back? Once you graduate, find your job, get an apartment and start living your life! The fam’s expectations won’t be met, but you won’t be living under their thumb either, which you already obviously resent the thought of. If you’re going to be an independent adult, might as well start out by asserting that independence. You might want to start dropping strong hints now that their expectations will not pan out for them, so it’s not a total shock when you don’t move back on grad day.
June 2, 2009 at 10:23 am
And if the carrot is that they’re paying for your education now, maybe you should do a little Gail magic and figure out how you can pay for your own education, so that there’s even less force behind the stick.
June 2, 2009 at 10:43 am
Dotty, your parents can’t force you to move back home. You’re an adult. They can yell, threaten, beg, plead, make a big scene, but they can’t make you do anything. You have to decide what you want. It will most likely be unpleasant and difficult to buck tradition, but in my view having the life you want versus the life your parents want you to have is worth fighting for.
June 2, 2009 at 11:40 am
I suspect there’s more to Dotty’s story then meets the eye. Otherwise it seems to speak very poorly of her character that she’d slander her parents so obviously. I suspect there was some kind of arrangement made and now she feels trapped because of decisions made when she was younger. Welcome to the planet, Dotty.
This also helps confirm what I already learned years ago — that the smartest person in the room is rarely the person with the most degrees.
June 2, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Sandy and Shannon — I agree with you, in theory. I just don’t have what it takes to stick up to them; frankly, when it comes to my parents, I’m weak. And it doesn’t help that my two older brothers also moved back home after school. If the “boys” couldn’t do it, then the “girl” most certainly cannot.
Sandy — they helped with my first year of undergrad, but I’ve been on my own ever since. When I got to school, I opened up a bank account that they didn’t know about, to save money. I like the expression “Gail magic”, and I’ve been trying to apply it in many areas of my life, and have done so successfully, I think (graduating not only without any debt, but with a savings).
Shannon — I completely respect what your saying, and as I said above, I agree. I know that I’ll be playing into their hands by moving back home, and only have myself to blame (I am, as you say, an adult!). But I also have to consider the lifelong guilt that I would feel for not abiding by their wishes.
I posted my initial comment because I wanted to highlight a “third” reality; that sometimes it isn’t the children being lazy or the parents being too loving…
Geoff — you’re absolutely right. There is more than meets the eye. I’m struggling between “old world” values and “new world” aspirations. There was no “arrangement” made on my part… arrangements have been made for me my entire life. My only act of rebellion has been to educate myself, because I wanted more for my life than the one set out for me by my parents, which was to be some man’s housewife.
I haven’t slandered my parents. I’ve stated a truth. My reality is that my parents and I want and expect very different things, but I’ve been raised in an environment where my wants and expectations are irrelevant.
Your statement helps confirm what I already learned years ago — that the person who is quickest to judge, is the person with the least information.
June 2, 2009 at 12:26 pm
“Boomerang Kids” is the term that is used to describe adult kids who choose to live with their parents because the kids cannot make it on their own. It is often seen as an outcome of us, yes, US, having raised the most over-indulged generation ever. These kids leave our huge houses and cannot actually cope when they have to live in a 400 square foot apartment and cannot afford the imported luxury car, designer clothes, electronic gadgets, and the slick/urban/look-at-me lifestyle on $26,000 a year.
There is a saying that we do not raise kids – we raise adults. And you know what? I believe that living on your own with a mattress on the floor, television on a milk carton and having an arsenal of 500 ways to indulge with Kraft Dinner helps build character. Experiences such as these and the lessons learned help ensure success later on. You really can live on less and you really can work toward more.
The fact is that nearly all of us struggled financially when we first left home. We screamed in shock when we discovered that caller id on the phone is $8.95 a month, that clean clothes is $3.75 a load, that basic cable is $45 a month and that new iPhone means we eat less. We looked good, but we were poor and we loved it. We walked to work, took transit and bought that old clunker. We lived like hermits to save for the down payment for our first house. We made mistakes, learned from them and somehow, managed to keep putting one foot in front of another and moved forward.
Now if only we could let our kids enjoy the experience as much as we did!
June 2, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Dotty dot dot:
You are responsible for your own happiness, not your parents.
If you live on your own to prepare for a good life for your future and your future children’s future, then that is a path worth evaluating.
Happiness, financial well-being versus guilt.
What is worst that will happen if you are away? They will find stuff for you to do while you are away anyway. You will teach them what they can get away with. You are treated as well as you allow other people to treat you.
Good Luck!
June 2, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I am grateful to my parents for letting me live with them while I save money for a down payment and my wedding. They have made me pay rent per se (they make sure that I put the said amount of money into an account marked down payment). If one month I don’t put any money in, I have to pay them the amount and put double into the account next month. It turns out that they paid my sister back all of the rent that she had paid them and it helped with her down payment. It has been my saving grace! I do help out around the house – I do chores, buy food, help them with whatever needs done – but I am also working two jobs (one full-time, one part-time) to get as much money saved as possible. There is no way home ownership would be in my near future without being able to live at home. Yes, I am one of those 20-somethings (middle of the pact) who is at home, but I don’t take advantage of it. My parents did not help me with school or my car or anything else – like they did my sisters – I did it all on my own. They recognize that and this is their way of letting me get ahead as much as possible. There will come a time when I am ready to move out – and my parents are two of the very few who I can say thank you too for making me the person that I am.
June 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Dotty – I’m sorry that I offended you, it really wasn’t my intent. But university is supposed to teach independent thought, and you’re on a message board complaining like you are a petulent child being banished to her room. How about just saying “no I’m not going to go back home”. You don’t need them, and what are they going to do, arrest you? Assuming you live in Canada or the US that seems unlikely though i do understand that customs change depending on your area.
Life is about making hard decisions. This is one of them. If you don’t have faith in yourself, how is anyone supposed to have faith in you?
June 2, 2009 at 1:44 pm
To DOT: what about your wishes? and your happiness? doesn’t that count?
I left home (finally) at age 39…yes, 39! I saved all kinds of money while at home but when I felt it was right to leave the “nest”, I sat both my parents down and as adults, we talked. My main point was “if I don’t do it now, I never will”. Sure, I planned to get married but that never happened…what I thought was going to be my happily ever after went down the drain. So my fresh start was to move out.
It’s the best thing I did. My parents respect me more, they treat me like an adult, and best of all, have told me it was the best thing for me.
When I moved out, I had the guilt but it quickly went away because all of a sudden I was depending on myself to live. My parents live about 5 minutes away and I see them 2-3 times a week.
I’ve grown up but guess what, I know that if I needed to move back to their home, it’s waiting with open doors.
June 2, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I am grateful to my parents for helping me out more than I could ever ask with attending university out-of-town, and then allowing me to move back home afterwards. I know I appreciated it at the time, but I appreciate it even more in retrospect.
While I was unemployed and looking for work for four months I paid nothing, and once I had found full time employment I paid them a few hundred dollars monthly – and nowhere near the amount I would have paid for an apartment. They really helped me to get a head start.
June 2, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Dotty dot dot,
It sounds like you are in a tough situation – I don’t envy you!
I hope you can come to some sort of compromise with your parents that will work to at least partially satisfy both your independence and their values.
I don’t think anyone will be able to come up with the solution but you, but hopefully people’s suggestions will prove to be helpful.
June 2, 2009 at 2:07 pm
To Dotty – my parents were “old world” also and didn’t want me to move out until I got married…they literally gave me no choice… it was a very difficult decision but I did move out on my own. My parents went kinda crazy and didn’t talk to me for a whole year but they eventually came around. We now have a very wonderful relationship and they respect me as an adult. Since I didn’t give them a choice and respectfully told them that I was all grown up and to start viewing me as an independant adult who could make her own way they did – it was just very difficult for them to see that until I forced them too. It was the best decision I have ever made. Really think about it… you sound like a very grounded person and I’m sure whatever you choose it will be for the best. As for the boomerang thing – I watched my parents allow my younger brother to live with his wife in their basement apartment.. no rent, no help for my parents, nothing… they didn’t even clear their plates off the table after dinner… the dinners that my mom would cook for them!! and just as Gail said – they got so used to that level of living that they have never been able to manage their money on their own. The have their own home now and two kids however, it looks like they may be going back to my parents again because they had no idea how to manage and are on the brink of losing everything… sigh.
June 2, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Years ago, I used to envy my friends who still lived at home with their parents, to save up for their future, or at least have enough ‘fun’ money etc. My parents are deceased and I do not have anyone to ‘fall back on’ in tough times. It’s all about ME now. lol I have realized since then, that most of these kids that I was once envious of, do not have the independent wisdom that I have gained by being on my own.
I agree with Gail, it’s great if the parent’s can have the adult children return home to help them out, but never let them lose sight of what real life is all about.
June 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Dotty dot dot,
My parents had similar expectations of me – live at home until married and bring home every penny. The older I got, the more tense it got at home because they wanted to control everything. I agree with Elizabeth on if “you don’t do it now, you never will.” It’s tough because you don’t want to disrespect their wishes, but at the same time, you should think about what you want, and what makes you happy. You’re definitely old enough and they should be able to let go and respect your wishes. And you’re one step closer because you don’t live at home right now, right? So you’re already out the door! Be strong! You can do it!
Moving out was the definitely the best thing because my relationship with my parents is so much better now than it was when I was living at home. Less stress and they’ve finally realized that yes, their little girl has grown up and can take care of herself. =)
June 2, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Dear Dot,
Part of bring a well adjusted adult is doing the thing that is right for you even when the kind people who put you on the planet disagree. You teach people how to treat you, and while they will probably make it uncomfortable for you for the rest of your life, you will get used to it.
It will be difficult for you to navigate a marriage, or raise your children, if you are being emotionally blackmailed by mom & dad? (P.S. your kids will learn to manipulate you by their grandparents example and get you with that as well….I’ve seen that too….)
I speak from my own experience, (my darling Mother & family have Phd’s in emotional blackmail) I had to endure years of “why did you leave your mom all alone and move out? You’re so selfish!!”
Gail did say, “if you want independence, you’ll have to pay for it” and my dear I’ve paid for it in more ways than one, and it is worth every penny. You sound like a responsible person to me. Just know that most people won’t tell you you’re doing a good thing for yourself when you are because they’ve got their own pieces of baggage to deal with.
Be respectful, stay out of their house and have a happy life may dear as you’ve only got one.
(P.S.-They’d never do this to you if you were a boy…but we’ll have that conversation later….:-) )
Good luck!!
June 2, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the kind words of support. You’ve all given me much to think about. I certainly know what I want to do; I hope I can muster up enough strength to do it. Leaving home for school was the best move I could have ever made, from a psychological point of view. Having physical distance from my parents has enabled me to carry on a relationship with them. I’m afraid what my life would have been like, had I stayed home. And I fear what my life will be like, should I move back.
I’m sorry to hear that some of you (Didi, Ina, and Cathy) have shared similar situations. It can make you feel so lonely, can’t it?
Cathy, your post rang so true for me. When I told my parents I wanted to get a university education, they told me I was selfish. When I told them I wanted a PhD, they told me I was selfish. And when I just told my mother yesterday that I got a contract job with the government, she told me I was selfish.
You know, I’m a good kid. I’ve never spoken back to my parents. I don’t do drugs, I’m not promiscuous, my friends are good human beings, I’ve done well in school… but because I’ve displayed an ounce of independence, I’ve been labeled as selfish. My parents say their biggest regret in life was allowing me to be educated.
Knowing that some of you have broken through a similar barrier is very helpful. Not one of my friends has had to endure this sort of pressure, so finding like-minded people is quite refreshing. I recognize that this is an uphill battle, and I think I’m ready to make the climb.
I’m also thankful to bloggers like Gail, who inject reality into people’s lives. I’ve taken her financial suggestions, as well as those posted by others on these message boards, to heart and have applied them in my life. While I may be struggling on an emotional level, I’m well ahead of the pack on a financial level, and I think that’s something. So thanks to everyone for being such a great network.
June 2, 2009 at 4:39 pm
This is my first chime.
I grew up in a very authoritarian patriarchal Eastern European family. I had two jobs at 14 to make enough money to help support the family of a workaholic non existent father. Mother fell seriously ill in my early teens and was bedridden. All expectations were that the female stay home (forever?) and take care of the family. I did until she died and for years after. I was offered money from my father to stay and be his ‘replacement’ wife. I declined. My duty was done, and I moved on letting the chips fall where they may at 24.
Might I say, depending on your culture, it is not an easy answer or thing to understand about family expectation. I carry the burden of growing up young, though not the guilt of ‘abandoning’ my family. Both are weighty and person has to make the best choices for their life at the time. No one can understand. Using your family and being caught in a cultural expectation are two different discussions.
However, having said that, I do not perpetuate this expectation with my young twin daughters. I am counting the days until college!
June 2, 2009 at 4:42 pm
No matter how we try to please our parents (getting that A+ grade, new job, new car, new home etc) we will always be viewed as being selfish. I think it’s a never-ending battle. Nothing seems good enough. They will always be upset in some way or another that you didn’t do something they wanted you to do or you “left them.” It does hurt a lot at first because you take blame, but at the end of day you did nothing wrong except be yourself – a good, hard-working, independent, self-sufficient individual. Isn’t that what most parents want for their kids? Don’t worry Dotty dot dot, you will get through it! =)
June 2, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I am a strong believer in tough love. It was the best maturity wise that I left the nest when I did. Most kids have it too easy at home versus getting an apartment means making decisions and sacrifices and growing up fast.
That was my experience.
June 2, 2009 at 7:49 pm
What causes a lot of move backs to parents is sons whos wife up and leave with the kids.
This is usually done after the said son has been helping the wife with her rrsps, cc bills for the last few years and a good amount of money is in the open.
You know the old saying strike while the iron is hot.
June 2, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Dot – I’m sure the situation cannot be easy. My boyfriend was in a somewhat similar situation, in that he had to choose between the love of his parents and a life of his own. After choosing a lifestyle that differed from his parents, they refused to speak to him – ever. They ignored his letters and haven’t spoken to him for years. He would tell you that even in this extreme case, it has all been worth it. He has his freedom – enjoying a loving relationship, a great job, great friends, and a fulfilling life.
Even if you’re afraid of the worst case scenario here, I’m sure that your freedom to work at a job you love, and find a husband of your own choosing, and doing what you will with your own money, will make it worth it. Good luck!
Geoff, I think it was unkind to suggest that Dotty was not smart. I think it is obvious that she is a smart woman, to be put through these challenges and come out with a PhD. Graduate school is unbelievably hard. It’s hard to judge without knowing what someone’s life is really like,
June 2, 2009 at 10:01 pm
dot, i understand the whole ‘old world thing’…..being raised that very same way.
please don’t let the guilt and the bit about being ’selfish’ get to you……
i believe they are coming from a point of fear…..of the new world still so strange to them (in spite of being here for many years, many need the ’security’ of old world traditions)
you’ve already proven you can make your own way and live in the new world while respecting your parents still living in the old world. i’m proud of what you have done…as a daughter (you even said your ‘brothers couldn’t make it on their own’) and as a woman.
you’re not selfish in the least-stand your ground, on your own two feet.
trust me – you won’t regret it.
June 2, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Ina, it is too bad you feel the way you do.
This post today has made me realize how lucky I am to have parents who were always proud of me & my siblings, just for being us. I never once felt like I wasn’t good enough, and my parents held high expectations for us.
A rule in our house was always that we could live at home “for free” as long as we were in school full-time, for our first undergrad degree only. It pretty much forced us to get our butts in gear and be out of the house by 23. We had to pay our own tuition by working full-time throughout the summer, and part-time during the school year. They paid for our food, and rent & utilities. It was not easy and I often felt like my parents were selfish at the time, as I went to school with lots of kids whose parents foot the entire bill. They made good money and it didn’t seem fair.
After having had the experience, and also having gone through a 2nd degree that I had to fund on my own, I learned SO much about budgeting, saving and making sure I only spend on the things that are important.
June 2, 2009 at 11:21 pm
I was told in no uncertain terms that I was on my own the minute I graduated highschool. I was told that from day one, and I was told why too! My dad told me how the best lessons are learned from experience, and I had my whole life ahead of me to learn that working harder was not always working smarter…. and that something that I earn myself is much more appreciated than anything handed to me. (Then he died just before I graduated, but that’s another story).
But I was prepared emotionally, and really looking forward to being an adult and earning and learning about life and what I could do with it!
I HAD to earn the money to buy a car before my parents would let me get a drivers license! I HAD to get great grades so I could get the bursaries so I could go to college! I had to budget my butt off so that I could stay in the town that had the college I wanted to attend, and I had to work one (or more) part time jobs so that I could afford to finish the diploma. I never considered the luxury of going home! And I never asked for a hand out. Why put them through that?
They raised me to be a responsible adult…. call it tough love if you want, I call it practical parenting!
I had a friend that had college paid for by mommy and daddy. And a friend that still lived at home in her 30s. I am happy they got to extend the bliss of childhood a bit longer, but I think their parents weren’t doing them any favours sheltering them from the “real world” of personal financial responsibilty.
My poor boys are hearing it young…. “you are responsible for your own expenses”…. “If you want it, you’d better start saving for it”….etc… they are going to so tired of hearing it all, by the time they are 18, they will be running for the door!
June 3, 2009 at 5:43 am
Dotty: I’m weighing in to tell you that the only way to be happy is to have a life that you love living. If you’re following someone else’s expectations, you can’t be happy because it’s not YOUR life, it’s the life someone else has imagined for you. As for being selfish, aren’t those who are telling you to do what they want you to do themselves demonstrating how selfish they are?
No doubt your biggest fear is the fear of what you will lose — your family, your place to belong — because you go against the conventions of your culture and your family. But that’s what growth sometimes requires. I know what it is like to be “all on my own”, and sometimes it hurts like a bitch! But most of the time it means I am the master of my fate. And that is absolutely worth it.
To the rest of my peeps: I am so moved by your empathy and caring. This is a great community and I love reading what you’re thinking about. I am very proud to be part of this experience. Kisses to you.
June 3, 2009 at 11:50 am
I don’t always get on here on a daily basis – so am catching up and commenting. So true wise Gail. The thing about what some parents view as ‘helping’ really means ‘crippling’. Although not a parent myself, you help your kids when you allow them to grow up and be contributing members of society and earn their way in life because when the day should come that your time on earth ends, you must know in your heart that your child(ren) will be able to navigate life without your presence. I was also raised in a traditional family where a daughter doesn’t move out until she marries. May late parents, however, never shoved us out the door, nor stopped us when we decided to spread our wings!! It gives you a sense of freedom and accomplishment when you can pay your own bills, hold a job and save for something you really want without having to rely on anyone; and when the opportunity should arise that you may need to move back for any number of reasons that Gail mentioned, you go back as an adult who contributes to the parents household. As the saying goes, ‘a hand up, not a handout’.
June 3, 2009 at 12:37 pm
It’s tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home — the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It’s becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great tips in this thread — there are more available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.
June 3, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@ Dotty dot dot: In my culture, children do not leave their parents’ home until they marry. But I did it anyway–despite their protests, my grandmother’s protests, my aunts’ and uncles’ protests–because that’s what I wanted. All my life, I’ve been told I can’t do things (e.g. move out, get a degree, buy a home, etc.) because I’m young, female, and not married, but I’m really good at tuning those people out.
It sounds like you’re using your parents as an excuse to stay home.
June 3, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Oh, and my mom and I still love each other. In fact, we get along better now that I’m not living at home. There’s no “life-long guilt.”
However, I should add I want my parents to move in with me. There’s a difference between living with your parents and them living with you. And, frankly, it’s selfish on my part because it’s a pain to keep driving across the city to check up on them every couple of days. When they get older, if they’re still too stubborn to move in with me, I’ll probably have to buy a house in their neighbourhood for convenience.
June 3, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Dear Dotty Dot Dot,
good luck with what you decide. It’s hard to disagree with people you love, especially your parents. It’s hard to set limits. I too stayed in school for one more degree than my mother thought necessary. Now that I am a successful professional, she disapproves of my hard-working lifestyle (why? because I am not a housewife? I have two kids and a husband. Honestly).
In fact, just yesterday when I refused to pay for a sibling’s share of a planned family vacation, she called me “mercenary”.
That said, we are having a family vacation, the whole extended family, together. I am paying for my fair share and no more. Finally, at nearly 40, I can no longer be bullied or guilted by my mother. And do you know what? all of us will have a nice time together.
Let us know how it works out with YOUR parents.
sincerely,
“Mercenary” Chloe
June 3, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Dotty, good luck to you, whatever you decide. Maybe some sessions with a therapist would help you sort out your relationship with your parents.
I opted to live at home after high school and attend a local college. After my first year my mom decided to move in with her boyfriend so they bought a house with a basement apartment. I moved into the apartment and the arrangement was that as long as I was in school I didn’t need to pay rent. Once I finished and had landed a full time job I started paying rent – less then what they could have rented the apartment out for, but more then just a token amount. I also had a seperate phone line and paid for that, and bought my own groceries and mostly cooked in my own kitchen. I lived there for a year and a couple months after I started my full time job, and then I moved out into an apartment with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend was also living with his parents when we started dating, along with his two brothers (one was still in high school, the other wasn’t and was working FT). They didn’t pay rent or anything, and I remember one time I was over at their house and their mom made a comment about maybe they should start paying rent, and my bf’s brother started arguing with her and said parents shouldn’t make their kids pay rent, and I piped right in with, “I pay rent.” He wasn’t too thrilled with me for that comment!
June 8, 2009 at 10:32 pm
[...] I’m of two minds on the whole issue of adult kids moving home,” Gail Vaz-Oxlade begins her article with the above title. var addthis_pub=”dougatkaye”; Tags: boomerang kids, budgeting, [...]
June 19, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I have a 23 year old step son who lives with his Dad an myself. He has a full time job but has over extended himself terribly. He has run up credit cards and bought things he just can’t afford. He stays out all night playing computer games with friends and doesn’t come home unless it’s to shower or eat.
I recently made the decision on my own because he got a demotion at work and is terribly over extended to let him off paying his room and board for the next 6 months (was $150.00 per month all inclusive). Since then he does whatever he wants, eats out daily, buys whatever he wants. He has told us his life is none of our bussiness and to mind our own bussiness.
We have tried to share solutions, like getting a part time job or living on a budget. I don’t think there is any time of the day Till Debt do us Part isn’t on our televison but he just walks away.
When he was making good money he just spent and spent until it was gone even after I told him he had to put 10% away.
I guess what I am asking for is advise because he has no respect for me or his father.
I feel bad about a decision that I thought would make his life easier turned into a horrible mistake and the frusteration for me and my husband is huge.
Help!!!
June 19, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Lost:
So sorry for the situation. Make it a RULE that if his debt decreases EVERY MONTH by a preset amount and he starts a emergency fund, he can stay home a bit longer for free. Go through setting up a budget with him. Request that he shows you the decreasing balance eVERY MONTH. Congratulate him EVERY time he does according to plans.
His upbringing is you responsibility. It is your business that every one under your roof behaves responsibly (and have some fun).
October 3, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Lost:
He has no respect for you or his father because you have trained him not to, through your actions of love. If you want him to change you will have to play hard ball, and have the courage to kick him out if the rules (ie the ones Gail has outlined) under your and your husband’s roof are not followed. It is “tough” love, but what he is doing is abusing your and your husband’s love and caring nature. Good Luck!