What do you Really want?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
As y’all know, I’ve been shooting a pilot for a new show. This is a pilot, folks, just a kick at the cat, and no one knows what will become of it. But the process of moving from TDDUP where the objectives are clear, to a new show where the objectives are different has made me say, “hmmmm.”
One of the things that I’ve been noodling through this process is the idea of deciding what a body really wants. Both on a life front, and as part of the pilot process, this idea keeps popping up.
Very often when we don’t focus on what we really want, it’s easy to get distracted by what we kinda want. Instant gratification carries the day because we haven’t clearly defined what’s drop-dead important. Without a clear picture of what we really want, it’s so easy to become distracted without seeing the consequence of our distraction.
Some people are under the impression that a budget is what they really want because they have a sense that a budget will save their butts. I warrant that no one actually wants a budget, that we’d all be happy to spend whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, without giving it a second thought. The people who have a budget are the people who know what they really want and aren’t prepared to let it slip away from them. They have a very clear picture of where they are going, and they are hell bent and determined to get there, so they nail the details down and use the budget to keep themselves focused.
If you browse around the personal finance blogging world you’ll come upon myriad folks who really want to be debt free, really want to buy a home, really want to become smart about managing their money. By posting their progress, they’re using their declarations to keep them on track. And yet, so many people with so many good intentions, fall off track and blow money on crap just because… they got tired of being so tightly focused, their personal circumstances changed and they had no back-up plan, or what they really wanted was so big and so far away that they just stopped believing it was possible. Let’s face it, a winter vacation in the midst of the Feb Blahs has way more pull than the long term desire to get your line of credit paid off… unless, of course, that’s what you REALLY want.
People write me regularly to tell me what a mess they’ve made of their lives and how much they wish things could be different. Usually they want me to give them a plan, hold their hands, make it better. I’d love to be able to do that. But it won’t help since MY budget is something externally imposed and the only way to get from here to there… from where you are now to where you want to be… is to figure out what you really want. (Since all the tools are on this website, I am still surprised by the number of letters I get asking me how to do this.)
I have been blessed in my life by knowing what I really want: I really want to be happy. That’s not to say that I’m always in a state of bliss. As y’all well know, I’m a girl in transition and sometimes I’m not even close to what I really want. But I know what it is, and that keeps me working to rebalance my life, to figure out what’s wrong, to make changes that will get me from here to there. I am determined to be happy, and if that means shaking things up, that’s what I’ll do. If it means taking the time to stop and breathe, to look at what I have and what I’m missing, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll do whatever it takes to be happy.
Those of you who really want to be debt free need to know that to the very core of your being. It can’t be a thing you just say or it’ll never happen. Every time you want a cappachino, a DVD, or a new pair of running shoes, you’ll go for the instant gratification because what you really want is the short-term jolt of pleasure. When you know what you really want at your very core, the idea of wasting money on coffee, movies or shoes is so distasteful to you that you CAN’T spend the money. Putting money on anything but what you really want is so not going to happen that you don’t feel any sense of loss at all because you’re steadily moving closer to what you really want.
People head off to university without knowing what they really want. They end up flailing: drinking beer and skipping classes. Without something solid that they really want, they can’t stay focused.
People buy homes without knowing what they really want. They settle for what they can afford, buy more than they can manage, or sell and move in just a couple of years, as they search for the magical place with which they’ll be satisfied.
People go shopping without knowing what they really want. They have an inclination, but no clear picture of what they want, what it’ll cost, and how they’ll pay for it.
People get married, have children, work jobs, live lives and never figure out what they really want. They substitute activities for being, and acquiring for enjoying what they have.
It’s easy to want it all now, particularly when we don’t know what we really want. Figure that out, and you’re more than eighty percent home. The other twenty percent may take a lot of hard work, but it won’t be onerous or leave you feeling deprived because, finally, you’ll be getting what you really want.
May 15, 2009 at 8:22 am
Very well put post Gail. And as always, there is a coincidence in my life that means this post comes on the heels of reading my weekly motivation from my kickbox trainer – in it he posted some wise words from Ghandi that I feel sum up your post to a tee
ACTION EXPRESSES PRIORITY
it is not your words that show people what you really want in life, but your actions towards those spoken goals. For example, I have a friend who says they want to buy a house, and move out of their current situation. I ask them if that is what they really what and they vehemently, angrily, accusingly spit back a yes. However, they have a little bit of debt that they have made no moves to take care of, and have not even started saving the money that will be necessary to do so. They want Laser Eye surgery, new mats for the weight room section of his space, new tools for his shed so he can start making things at home after working hours, and have spent thousands on hobbies he no longer practices. when we speak about his steps he keeps saying he needs to get a budget, get into the bank to speak to someone about consolidations and savings options and setting up a bill repayment schedule, but he has yet to put those tools in motion. So His actions, by researching laser eye surgery, making the appointments with the doctors, heading to the store to find those fantastic gym-floor mats for his weight room, and searching out that tool her really wants but doesn’t need do not follow his words but are his actions.
Do his actions support his words? No. So what his priorities are are not what he SAYS he wants, but what in fact he ACTUALLY wants.
ACTION EXPRESSES PRIORITY
To add another one to this thought process from the Secret…
THOUGHT BECOMES THINGS
What you think about your bring about. What you practice you preach.
So, I’ll put this out to everyone here as my trainer put this to me. Grab some paper and write it out if you can’t quite see it, ask your friends and family what your priorities are based on what you’ve been doing for the past little while, and compare it to what you’ve TOLD them are your priorities. Critically review yourself.
DO YOUR ACTIONS SUPPORT YOUR TRUE PRIORITIES OR THOSE YOU’VE SAID ARE A PRIORITY?
May 15, 2009 at 9:06 am
Excellent excellent post, Gail. Thank you very much.
“People get married, have children, work jobs, live lives and never figure out what they really want. They substitute activities for being, and acquiring for enjoying what they have.”
The film “Revolutionary Road” (recently released on DVD) is a story about the idea of really living. Try to get it at the library for free
May 15, 2009 at 9:47 am
You know, we basically live a balanced life: mentally, physically, spiritually, socially and of late, financially. But in the words of the great, but not so great as Ghandi, Irish lyricist: ‘you still haven’t found what you’re looking for.’ The tug of the now, the spontaneous purchase, the immediate gratification is so insistent. In my strongest moments it is there, in my weaker moments the urge is almost overpowering…
My HunkaHunkaBurnin’Love is very goal and task oriented. When he decides to accomplish something it is done with a flourish. Me, not so much. I admire his personality type because i hang in the ‘in the moment’ pool. I struggle to say ‘no’ to myself or kids, husband, friends and even those televangelist guys
Taking the time to express our priorities and write them and edit them has been a fantastic exercise for me…i have a frame of reference, a structure to base my responses on…because i am who i am, i have to work harder at reviewing the priorities and sticking to the plan than HHBL. I accept that. I love watching reruns of TDDUP and i read this blog daily…sometimes i feel as though this is my support group.
I have a picture of some of what ‘i want, what i really, really want’ and for the moment that is enough…i am loving the journey though.
May 15, 2009 at 10:03 am
Thanks Gail for your great posts and websites. I visit your site daily and love it. Finding your show and website has been such a blessing for our family. We use your budget worksheet and I finally feel like we are headed down the right path.
The biggest win for me has been learning more about saving. I am lucky and get a pension and company ESP. I wasn’t maxing those things out before, but I have been for about 4 years now.
Because of this I get a “free” $771 from my company each and every month into pension and ESP! I have to cough up $758 of my own money to get it…but where else can you get a 100% return on your money!! DUH- I wish I had figured this out when I was younger but I am 35 so still have some time to keep putting money away
)
I had to give up some stuff to come up with the moneybut I think it’s worth it.
May 15, 2009 at 10:20 am
I know that I too, just want to be ‘happy’ and content with, and in, life.
(now, if I could do that full time, sans-job, ooooo…. heaven) It’s all baby steps to ‘what I want’.
Part of that is being healthier – if I knew what was going on with me to achieve that part. I’ve made the proper steps in the right direction.
I want a new job, doing something that I enjoy and working for ‘good’ (making others happy?) and not ‘evil’ (top VPs bonuses). However, I do not know what type of positions are out there that I would fit into and ‘be happy’ with.
Sure, the ultimate ‘what I want’ is to win a big jackpot and be able to take care of my family and friends, etc (mostly to buy a proper headstone for my parents) but we all know that that is not something that can be earned, so would it make me happy? Probably, but who is kidding who? lol
These days, to achieve my ‘happy’, my boyfriend and I have been going to High Park on the weekends and feeding the wildlife. Nothing makes you think “ah, this is the way it is supposed to be…” than handfeeding a beautiful downy woodpecker, knowing that you made *his* day.
May 15, 2009 at 11:58 am
What do I really want? I want to live a healthy and happy life. My husband and I own our own business and we have one part-time employee. Due to a family issue – our part-time in employee is on leave of absence – so I am working the hours she normally does – and receiving the funds that would normally be paid to her. The extra money is nice – but in order to live the healthy part of my want – I would rather have the time to exercise more, to prepare healthier meals, to meditate and destress. I am looking forward to the day when she returns, so my life can return to normal – and the extra money will not be missed.
May 15, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Great post Gail.
I’ve learned to drill down to what I want by asking “why?” until there are no more answers…why did I want to be debt free? So I didn’t have to worry about it. Why? So I could spend what I wanted. Why? So that I could take care of my family. Why did I want to do that? Because I love them. Why do I love them? Because they make me happy.
As for happiness – I love a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “Don’t wish me happiness – I don’t expect to be happy… Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor – I will need them all.”
May 15, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Virginia – by the way, please read carefully the small script on those company matching resp. I had one at a previous company, and they had this condition on “being vested” with the company for more than 4 years. That means that if you do not stay with the company for x number of years, they claw it back. And they did. Even though , I was in the company for more than 4 years. However the company got bought by another company who bought that one (small fish eaten by bigger eaten by bigger fish) so they reset my vested time and a few years later, when I left, took 1/2 of the money.
just a note.
May 15, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I love this post… it’s one of those soul-searching, meaning-of-life ones.
I have been married (coming up on) 15 years, and most of those years have been fulfilling…. full of growth and learning experiences, but there was a time around year 11 when I thought there was no way we would stay together.
We seemed to be rolling on different tracks (I started loathing the sound of his voice). BUT I thought about what I REALLY wanted, and what I wanted was my husband — the father of my children — to be in my life and to be happy with him.
It was hard, I had to look past my aggrivation and look at him with fresh eyes to try to find the root of it. I observed him, and he looked terribly unhappy with me too, it felt absolutely terrible.
One night I went out on a limb and asked him what brings him joy. He said the saddest thing I have ever heard, he said “I don’t know”.
I told him LOTS of things bring me joy, more things than I can list, and feeling joy is a priority for me, I told him he should find out where HIS happiness comes from.
Thankfully he realized that he wasn’t really living, he was sleepwalking from one commitment to another (job, housework, fatherhood). And as he “woke up” to his life, our marriage woke up too. He gave himself permission to find out what he really wanted and took steps towards it too.
It was a close call! He could have easily decided that staying with me wasn’t what he wanted, or he may have decided that he really wanted to quit his job or some other stressful upheaval, we could have easily just let ourselves drift apart…. instead he found a hobby that brought him joy that he could share with the whole family — dirt biking and camping! (We are both “frugal” so we work extra to suppliment the fun time, it’s worth it to have a happy husband!) I am in love with him all over again. It will be interesting what the next 15 years will bring.
May 15, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Knowing what you REALLY want in this life is really a really key anchor. Ideall, everything you do, including decisions on spending, saving and debt, would stem from a really clear set of life goals, and you’d be able to articulate exactly how the things you do move you closer to achieving them. In my experience though, figuring out what those goals are is difficult – you might think at one point that you really want to be a lawyer or social worker, for example, and after going back to school for a bit realize that it wasn’t quite what you wanted after all – so you maybe think about it a bit more and try something else. Also, as others have pointed out, you may say that becoming debt-free is a priority, but then regularly succumb to temptation and run up the credit card bills instead – so your actions bely your stated priorities – so clearly becoming debt-free isn’t really a priority!
I believe that an understanding of what you really want is something you grow into slowly. I’m not quite sure what I want out of life, but thus far I’ve managed to work out a hazy idea of at least the values I want to live my life by (they include frugality, stewardship of collective environmental and social resources, human rights, and peace) , and I’m trying to align all aspects of my living with those, including money matters. In terms of concrete goals… hopefully I, and all of you, will grow into them in the fullness of time.
May 15, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what you really want. And sometimes what we want changes, and it’s hard to always recognize or accept that. Sometimes it’s easy to know what we want in vague terms (to be happy and healthy) but what does that mean for our long-term goals as well as our daily functioning?
It’s sure easy to get lost along the way. And sometimes making mistakes or going down a few wrong paths is the only way we can figure it out.
May 15, 2009 at 4:04 pm
*pol: Thanks for sharing that story! Wow…I think I’m identifying with your old hubby too much these days…just trying to find myself again after some life challenges. Good inspiration. Thanks for the perspective! I swear this is like pseudo-therapy support sometimes. Lol.
May 15, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Health and happiness may seem like vague wants – but I have been dealing with a health issue all of my life and happiness has not always come easy.
I now make weekly goals that help me achieve these wants – from regular exercise and eating healthy, to dealing with our family finances – it makes life much happier and healthier.
My long term want is to live to an older age then my parents (my mom passed away at 49 and my dad is still kicking at 70) – while being happy, healthy, and financially sound the whole way.
May 16, 2009 at 12:15 am
I always knew that I really wanted a family, i love my boys and love being pregnant and really don’t mind the delivery that much, although my first was a longone, it was totally worth it. Family is very important to me, and my husband and I both came into our marriage with with a big debt load. Were slowly working at getting that down, we make some progress then we get off track a little. Our van will be paid off at the end of the month and we will have $500 more a month to pay off our debt. We got a little off track this past month after we got our incometax return, bought a few things inlcuding a wii and wii fit, and lawn mower. A few things we needed. The wii fit has been great i have lost 10 lbs using it. yay!!!!
anywho, we got off our budget and the jars for a month and just this week were getting back on.
we are a work in progress.
May 16, 2009 at 8:32 am
I am in a time in my life where I work so much at my career and it is because I love helping people and there is such a need for this in my field BUT I am getting burned out and losing track of me; hobbies? I don’t think I could name something I do in my spare time…Just because there was a lack in the community and I can provide the service should not be the reason I forget about me and what I really want.. the demands made on us seem to make it what we do and not necessarily what we want and this is how the process starts to put ourselves last!
Great blog to help us re assess this, thanks so much Gail.
May 16, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Gail’s post brings me back to the same place I get to every time I try to figure out what I really want. It’s always just seemed to be that it doesn’t matter what I want, I just do whatever needs to be done and make the best of wherever I end up. I’m not complaining – I’ve done OK for myself and thanks to Gail, my debt is well on its way to disappearing – but every time someone brings up the subject of what you really want, I have no idea. I know what I don’t want and have basically spent my life trying my best to not have whatever those things are. I’ve never figured out how to move from there to discovering what I really really want. I can never think of an answer. I envy people who know.
May 16, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Nadine:
If you had a free day every week, how would you spend it to be happy? Give something a try for one hour or so.
Remember that what you really want may change with time. Realising that is also very important. What do I have and how do I use it to make myself happy?
May 17, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Gail, I’m in the middle of reading a book that you have recommended often: Your Money or Your Life. What a great set of questions and exercises to help answer that very question: what do I want?
I am in the middle of my mat leave and am going through that phase of really questioning whether or not I want to return to work full-time. I love my job and my career – I have followed my heart when choosing work and that has really paid off for me happiness-wise. It also helped me learn to live on a tighter budget (I work in the combined fields of theatre and environmental education – I know, big money, eh?)
But I am also now finding tremendous fulfillment as a mother and I feel quite strongly that my son needs me there for a few more years. Luckily, my husband feels the same as I do and is committed to finding a way for our family to live on one income. Because we’ve been frugal and are months away from debt-free, we have that choice. Staying home is an option.
It will mean that we won’t be saving as fast, so home ownership, travel, etc will be put off a little longer, but right now, those things have moved down the priority list.
Your Money or Your Life has been an interesting read during this period and has really helped frame the right questions for us to answer. Whatever the decision, full-time, part-time or stay at home mum, I feel like we will have really explored what each option means emotionally and financially.
May 19, 2009 at 1:01 pm
…it’s soo how I have come to think, thanks for putting it into words…I’ve copied it and forwarded it to my ostrich husband…I’ll keep you posted on how that fairs out!