Part 8 – The Messages You Send
Posted by Gail | Filed under Gail Club News, Kids & Money
Today’s is the final installment in the Teaching Kids About Money Series. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and learned some things you can use with your own kids.
Think back to the effort, patience and time it took to potty-train your beautiful toddler. Remember the effort, patience and time it took to teach your child how to ride a bicycle, skate or swim. Money management is the term for a whole bunch of individual skills wrapped up in one neat package. But each of the skills needs to be taught, practised and reinforced. And each takes time to acquire.
You have the most influence in terms of teaching your kids about money. After parents, in rank order, teachers, personal experience, books or magazines, television, friends and siblings are the sources for money information. Since what you do and say will have the most impact on your children, you have to be sure you say what you mean and you mean what you say. An honest, straightforward approach to explaining money matters works best. Don’t take the easy way out. “I don’t have the money to buy you that thingamajig” as a pat answer for each request you don’t want to fulfill teaches little. Instead, use each opportunity to teach the important lessons of budgeting, relative value, prioritizing and patience.
By the time your children go to school, they will have already learned a lot from you about money. Even if you choose not to take an active role in teaching your children about money, they will learn most of what they take into their future lives from what you do (as opposed to what you say). If you save regularly, they will see savings as an important part of money management. If you are an avid investor, they will develop an interest in investing. If you regularly donate to charity, your children will likely follow your example.
They will know whether you are an impulse shopper or a planned spender, whether you are generous or miserly with your money, whether you see money as a tool or as a god. If you comparison shop, they will learn from you. If you place a strong value on expensive brands, they will hear your message.
I knew a couple who were distinct opposites when it came to money. The father was a generous spirit who impulse bought and loved to satisfy his children’s every wish. The mother was a tightwad, begrudging most spending. The father’s attitude was, “Money is a tool for making our lives more comfortable.” The mother’s attitude was, “We don’t have enough money.” The father gave his children money to buy gifts for loved ones. The mother expected her children to fund their gift-giving themselves.
The messages this couple’s children received were very mixed. While that’s pretty usual for many families, it doesn’t help to promote learning, since inconsistent messages are confusing for children. If you are teaching your children about money as a couple, it’s important you develop a joint plan about what you will teach.
Differences in style are natural. How you demonstrate those differences to your kids will have an impact on the lessons they eventually put to use in their own lives. Talk about how you want to teach your children the important money lessons. Starting from a shared belief — even if only in the basic ground rules — will go a long way to delivering a consistent message to your children. Good luck and remember that lessons learned with laughter last longer!
BTW, there are two new Gail Club forums… one for Edmonton and one for Separated, Divorced and Single Parents. The traffic is building well on the board, and the sharing of information does my heart good. Congrats to those who have actually managed face-to-face meetings. I know it’s tough with busy schedules. Those of you who are managing groups deserve kudos for tenacity and determination. Cheers to you all.
April 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm
So true about the mixed messages kids pick up from parents with different styles. My mother was a saver/hoarder, and my father always expected the money to magically appear. My mother would ask “do we really need this?” and my father would say, “with ‘this’, I could do this better….”. Even after I left home, I would ask my mother’s advice on purchases – did she think this was a good deal, etc. She would always make me think about whether I absolutely needed something, or just wanted it. I can see how my ex and I would have sent mixed messages to our children as well. Son #3 and I had an important ‘class’ last night. He had gotten paid cash for some manual labour job last week, bought the one thing he wanted with his money, and decided to put the rest in the bank so he wouldn’t be tempted to spend it. Of course, since we have PC accounts, this was done at the Superstore ATM. For the past few days he had been craving pizza, so we ordered last night, and he was going to pay with his debit card. DECLINED! He was devastated, then got angry that his money wasn’t available for him to use when he wanted it. I had made him get his debit transaction out of the garbage at Superstore, so the date and balance were checked. I then had the task of explaining how ATM deposits took a few days to verify – he could have put an empty envelope in the slot for all they knew. (Last night would have been at least five business days, so we have some investigating to do) I then proceeded to explain to him how my paycheques are deposited into my savings, and take me 24 hours to transfer to my chequing for access. He doesn’t think too much of this system, although I explained that PC planned it that way so that savings does just exactly that for us, the customer. Saves. AND eliminates most impulse spending. We sat down last night and calculated what was going to be needed this weekend for purchases, and the rest stays, collecting interest, until needed. This led to explaining how payperiods, cutoffs, and pay dates worked. I can remember all to well having to explain to staff how even tho they might have worked three weeks up to the pay date, their cheque was only for two weeks. (And that was the hardest to explain to my son!) I can see how I have failed my children to some degree in the money management department, because money was always hush hush in my childhood. I have used the comparison shopping lessons, they see me save for a major purchase, plan trips around who has what on sale, and put things back when they are a want, not a need. In fact, when they were a bit younger, I became them, grabbing everything that caught my eye, and saying “I want” repeatedly. The shocked looks on their faces was priceless, and I never again had a problem with that issue! Today, son and I are going to plan our meals for the next week or two, using pantry and freezer supplies up, and making a shopping list for our trip to the big city tomorrow. I will be involving him more, and making him think with his own money, and hopefully, we can help each other through the money maze. Luckily for us, we have this site to help navigate.
April 9, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Dear Gail, as an overall comment about the series I found it invaluable. I like to think I’m a sensible person but found myself falling complete slave to the excesses of the 80s which continued for the next 20?? years. I don’t think there is anyone out there that couldn’t take pieces of each of these blogs and apply them successfully to their own lives. Did I agree with everything written? No, but I don’t think you wrote them so we would all turn into clones. They gave me thoughts, ideas, skills and tools on how to teach our child about money as we feel it is best for us. Ultimately the goal is simple again, help teach our kids to live within their means, understand the pros and cons of credit and how it works and one of the best ways I feel to teach kids anything is to lead by example. Am I perfect at it? Not by a long shot. But I give it a good shot each day and these blogs and helped tremendously. Thanks again Gail.
April 9, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Hello all: I just spoke with Gail and she said it’s okay for me to post here. I’m a freelance writer looking to speak with parents — who’ve been directly affected in some way — about the challenges and changes of parenting in a recession. What’s the biggest challenge? Is it making you a tougher parent? What advice do you have for other parents? If you’re interested in being interviewed, or know someone who is, I can be reached at karansmith@sympatico.ca
Thanks for your time. And thanks Gail for this opportunity to tap into your network!
Karan Smith
April 9, 2009 at 8:27 pm
My parents were night and day!
Dad was concerned about budgetting and making what we had go as far as possible, being innovative to get stuff done without spending too much and even repairing old broken things (As a teenager it was terribly embarassing)! His job was always up and down, being self employed (but he loved his work), and he strived to stretch as far as possible. Mom on the other hand was all about the latest stuff. Pretty house, pretty car pretty clothes and my sis and I were never wanting for clothes or toys. She looked for the job with the best paycheck and the best benefits, and personal satisfaction was found in the after hours time. I bet that’s why they divorced when I was so young, they were polar opposites took their ideals very seriously on the subject. A fish and a bird!
I think I take after my dad more, and my sister takes after my mom…. I am a tightwad and happily deprive myself of new stuff, it drives my sister nuts! She has a career and loves having the beautiful things (I admit I like her place better than mine, but I really prefer my relaxed self-employed, stay-home life ) I look for quality things over fashion.
April 10, 2009 at 1:21 am
In the long run I really hope that living our financial values and sharing them with our kids will be a positive influence for them. Your words reassure me that our actions and example are the biggest factor in the attitudes our children will develop. I’m glad to hear it, it takes a bit of a load off because it means that rather than follow the ‘perfect’ curriculum I can do this more or less organically.
I feel fortunate that my husband and I are very close together, financially speaking. We have similar values, and I hope that is also helpful for our kids.