Planning Your Funeral
Posted by Gail | Filed under Money Management
Several years ago I attended my second husband’s funeral. We had been divorced for almost twelve years — and I know that’s a long time — but the man reflected in the service was in no way the man I knew. It felt strange. And it set me to thinking about what I’d want my funeral to look like. Turns out planning your funeral not only has emotional upsides, there are some financial benefits too.
One of the biggest advantages of planning your own funeral is that you’re making all those could-be-very-expensive decisions at a time when the stress levels are nowhere near as high as if your best buddy had just kicked the bucket.
The average cost of a funeral ranges from about $5,000 to around $7,000 and usually includes:
- The transfer of remains
- Embalming and Preparation
- Use of facilities for viewing and service
- A solid wood casket with velvet interior
- Hearse and limousine
- Professional service charges.
Knowing that your partner wants a plain pine box, has agreed to a plain pine box, has insisted on a plain pine box isn’t the same as having paid for a plain pine box when it comes time to plant him or her. Many are the stories I’ve heard of spouses and children who have overridden their partner’s or parents’ desire for simplicity because they were pressured — be it by a smooth-talking salesman, by family, or by their perception of societal demands — into going with something far more elaborate… and expensive.
Isn’t it better to look at all the options available and decide which is right for you in the rationale light of day so you or your family won’t end up spending more than they can afford? Having made all the decisions ahead of D-day, you’ve eliminated your family’s struggle with the decision-making at a time when they least need the added pressure.
You can even pre-pay your funeral. C’mon Gail, why would I do a stupid thing like that?
It may not be so stupid. Did you know you can pre-fund the expenses related to your funeral, burial, cremation or cemetery arrangements in Canada up to a maximum of $15,000 over your lifetime and the income accrued in the eligible funeral arrangement or EFA can grow on a tax-free basis?
If you had decided to spend the equivalent of today’s $15,000 on your funeral and stuck your fifteen grand in an account to compound and, hopefully, keep pace with inflation, you’d be required to declare and pay tax on the interest earned each year. Not so with an EFA. All the income you earned on that funeral money is tax-free. In essence, you are buying your funeral in today’s dollars despite what it may cost in the future.
You pick how much you want to spend on your big day and write a cheque to the funeral home, which puts the money into trust where it sits until you fall off your perch. When you die, the trust account is closed, the funeral home covers the cost of the funeral, and anything left (ha!) is returned to the estate. If inflation has outpaced your pre-paid package, your family isn’t on the hook for another penny.
It makes sense to look into this funeral stuff at much the same time that you’re dealing with the other “death” issues, like your will, although most people put it off until they’re moving into retirement. If you’re planning to put an aging parent into a nursing home, you might be surprised at how many make pre-planned funerals mandatory as part of their acceptance of a new client.
If you’re hesitating about planning your funeral because you have no idea where you’ll end up living in Canada when you retire, you don’t have to delay your decision. Funeral homes routinely transfer these prearrangements so you can be buried where you died, if that’s your family’s wish. And if you change your mind about your pre-paid funeral, you can cancel the contract with a letter. If you cancel the agreement after thirty days, however, the Funeral Directors & Establishments Act allows a funeral director to charge an admin fee of not more than 10% of the package you bought, to a maximum of $200, plus tax.
I’m not a fan of funerals… I avoid them whenever at all possible. I’ve left instructions to give away all the parts of my body that can be reused. The kids can then sell me to some pharmaceutical company – body parts are in big demand and carry a significant price tag – or they can cremate me and use the ashes to keep the bugs off the tomato plants. But for all those people who for religious or personal reasons plan to be planted, do your family a favour and start thinking about what their lives will be like the week you kick the bucket.
March 18, 2009 at 7:09 am
While we’re on this joyful topic, please buy GOOD travel health insurance. What happens if you die with travelling overseas?
Getting your body back to Canada can be VERY expensive- lead-lined coffins and the like- as can sorting out cremation in a country unfamiliar to your family.
March 18, 2009 at 7:23 am
So what type of funeral would you plan Gail – if you, like me, plan to donate away any useful body parts. A cremation and party? That’s what I’m thinking.
Definitely do the will thing – and up date it everytime you have a life change (e.g. new baby, 10 yrs later, when you move, etc.).
March 18, 2009 at 7:34 am
Interesting topic. When I recently attended my grandfather’s funeral I realized there was so much I didn’t want. I’ve made a big point of telling people my wishes, any family or close friend who will listen (cremation, scattered ashes, no donations to the cemetery, no flowers, donations to education funds and community services, and a civil service only please). People found it weird and creepy (“you’re not going to die tomorrow!”) but I wanted it to be clear.
I do think people get caught up in societal pressures, expectations and not wanting to hurt feelings. My grandfather was buried in a stainless steel coffin that seals with rubber gaskets – prob the most expensive casket that the funeral home in that small village has ever used but my grandfather was very prominent in the area and it probably didn’t feel right for my mother and siblings to order cheap. My feelings are – what does he care now? When the 10 year old daughter of a close family friend died, they bought funeral plots for her, themselves and her sister so that little sis wouldn’t feel left out! What are the chances Lil’ Sis will want to be buried with Mom and Dad 50 years from now? Chances are, she will be married and want to be buried with the spouse.
Don’t take this as me being crass. I was devastated by the death of the little girl and by the death of my grandfather. But I also know that when we are gone, our bodies will not know the difference. I rather that the process be about celebrating the life and grieving the loss, not about pomp.
March 18, 2009 at 8:40 am
My parents are 84 and 78 years old, and I’ve talked to them at least three or four times asking them if they would preplan their funerals. My mother is entertaining the idea, but I guess my father thinks he’ll live forever, because so far he’s having none of it! My best friend’s grandmother died the year before last and it was so easy for her family because everything was preplanned and done and they exactly what Grannie wanted. With 4 siblings and 3 inlaws, I’d like my parents to make the decision, not us (and the remaining parent) while we’re dealing with the grief and making emotional decisions instead of practical ones.
March 18, 2009 at 9:05 am
Interesting about the EFA. My question – If you do prepay your funeral, what happens if the funeral home goes out of business? Is your money still protected?
March 18, 2009 at 9:06 am
Please tell me more about selling my body to the pharmaceutical company! I have always joked with my hubby that the way I react to medications, I should be in a medical textbook. Well, here’s my chance, and if I can make my family a little more money after I pop off, well, that’s all to the good! Course, here’s hoping it doesn’t happen for a long time, but who knows? If it were to happen tomorrow, my life insurance would cover the mortgage, but not much of an education for my daughter, and we do have some consumer debt I would want instantly gone off my family’s shoulders.
March 18, 2009 at 9:06 am
This is the best advice to give people. My husband passed away 3 years ago. Although he was sick for a long time, you are never fully prepared for it. Together we sat down and planned out his funeral – he wanted to be cremated – and his ashes taken overseas to be with his parents. It was hard at the time, but I am glad we took the time to do it, because when he passed away there were no unanswered questions and preplanning the funeral helped tremendously during what is an extremely stressful time for everyone.
When you are young you do not think about it, but it is certainly something that is important to discuss and everyone knows the other’s wishes. I have discussed it with my daughter and she is fully aware of my wishes.
March 18, 2009 at 9:23 am
What I’ve learned is that funerals are not for the dead but for the living and they usually cost alot more than 7,000.00. When my sister died suddenly at 37 years old, we were sitting a meeting room at the funeral home, they asked us about a casket, music, stationary. I didn’t get the chance to help her with a wedding. This experience completely disgusted me, I felt like vomiting right there on the spot. In my heart I knew she would have wanted to be cremated, but my mother couldn’t ‘burn’ her daughter (her words). Nothing was in writing.
Lesson learned, even if you don’t go as far as planning your funeral, put something in writing if it is important to you and also let someone know where the document is.
March 18, 2009 at 9:47 am
I had no idea there was such a thing as a EFA. What a great idea!
I always wondered about pre-paid funerals and what happened if you paid now but died in 50 years? Now I know. Thanks Gail.
I think funeral costs are too large and unnecessary. I don’t want to be put in the ground and my grave visited occassionally. That’s not for me. I respect that others may want that, but I prefer my body be turned to ashes and put back to the Earth. I don’t want chemicals pumped into my body etc. I just doesn’t seem natural for me.
Do you think it’s okay to approach the discussion of funerals & wills with grandparents or should that be left to the parents? I have 3 aging grandparents. While I am very blessed to be 34 with 3 grandparents still alive, I try to prepare myself for the inevitable and I don’t know what their thoughts are. I don’t think my parents do either.
March 18, 2009 at 10:36 am
I can certainly speak on this issue. My father recently passed away, didn’t arrange anything before he became ill, even though I urged both parents to atleast arrange the funeral. So in the end, it was up to me. My dad was cremated, he’s in a granite box, and is being placed in a granite wall. There are a lot of options now, you don’t need to be buried casket or urn. The option is less expensive, and frankly a lot nice. My dad had been sick with advanced parkinson’s for 13 yrs, so there was no visitation. It should be noted that you pay for everything: newspaper postings, the little memory cards, someone to taking the donations, the clergy, the cars, the room rental, etc. The costs can be enmorous, but they don’t have to be. I think making your wishes in writing, and better yet arranging them yourself saves a lot of grief. I will be going with my mother to prearrange hers shortly and get all her legal papers together. We will have a small committal cermony at the cementary in May for my dad. The cementary has a small chapel we can use free of charge. We are planning a small luncheon after the cermony.
March 18, 2009 at 11:30 am
I feel so strongly on this topic. I had lost my infant son, and had to make funeral arrangements–I never want to have to do it again. You are right Michelle when you say the process makes you ill. You feel disgusted having to make choices that are so blatant, burn the body or bury it for the worms. Either way I wanted to die right then and there and leave the choice to someone else. The actual full-fledged funeral wasn’t for my benefit–it was for my friends and family and to give them their opportunity to say goodbye and release their grief. I have been to remembrance ceremonies and the difference in wierd or actual remembrances was the planning. Most times it is a collabaration of many people in your life -friends, kids, parents, family that have gotten to know a different part of you…pictures of you partying in Mexico drinking out of a bowl wearing a string bikini pie-eyed is probably your girlfriends favourite memory but cooworkers and your parents may be put off by it…It seems to easy when you are removed from the planning process, and yes, my husband and I cremated our baby, but do you think we can spread the ashes? Not yet. So even when you believe that you will be spread to the wind and be free, there may be someone left back who just can bear to let go. Sigh. All I can say is prepaying is one way to relieve at least a couple of burdens and choices. We had insurance that helped offset the cost. It was over $5000 by the time all was said and done.
March 18, 2009 at 11:50 am
You can add your wishes to the end of your will. It is a simple way to have it in writting.
March 18, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Gail I was wondering if you were going to do a blog on this. This is so exactly where I am heading right now.
My sister is dying of cancer and I am her POA and her Executor when she dies. We have talked alot about funerals since we’ve attended so many. The last time we spoke about it was right after her diagnosis for terminal cancer in the fall.
We do things on the cheap, always have as a family. When my mum died in 2000 my hubby’s family was expecting me to spend 12000 at least. Total cost, including flowers 3500. Now the plot was bought in the 1950s by my grandparents so that was already covered but we gave my mum exactly what she wanted, exactly what her mum had.
No embalming
inexpensive casket that would return her to the cycle of life quicker
grave side service
Wake afterwards at my home.
My sister is being cremated but the plot where she is to be burried is in with my dad so we already own it, no expense there.
My hubby had a hard time with my mother’s funeral. He said it looked like we “threw her away” but it was what SHE wanted and we followed her request. Then we went to a funeral for his side and he came away thinking that my family had a good idea (can I tell you I nearly fainted).
Even if you don’t do prepaid funerals (my gran has this for when she passes) talk about your wishes to your family, your spouse, your siblings and PUT IT IN WRITING if need be.
Adding it to a will can be an idea but often wills are not even read until after a burial. Make sure your wishes are know.
And don’t forget (since we’re talking about funerals etc) to get your POAs (one for Personal, one for Property) done and your Will and if you have it review it every year or two or when there is a major life change, such as a birth, death or divorce.
March 18, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Timely discussion. Living is terminal. Everyone is going to die at some point. If the business side is taken care of and final wished dicussed or better yet put on paper, it is one of the most loving and thoughtful things you can ever do for your survivors.
I did not read through all of the rest of comments, however, I believe there is some discussion going on now about “Green” funerals. For example, enbalming fluides leaching into the ground and the amount of BTU’s and fossil fuel it takes to cremate.
I personally plan to donate any useable organs. Then I want my body to be donated to a teaching hospital. My family is aware of this. Once the cadiver is “used” the school will get in touch with the family and allow them the option of burial, cremation or whatever. If the family is content with the school taking care of the cadiver they will do that. The school is very respectful and dignified when handling the cadiver. CBC once did a radio show about this topic.
March 18, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I don’t care what they do to me. I’ll be dead, so why the heck would it matter? I’ve told various people that if I die, they can do anything they want with the body – burn it, bury it, stuff it, donate it to science, whatever. And I’m in my early 20s, so I’ve got things that are slightly higher on my to-do list than setting aside money for my funeral
March 18, 2009 at 12:33 pm
As a claustrophobic person, I have always told my family I do not want to be buried – regardless of “what difference will it make, you’ll be dead!” Pre-planning your own funeral is the only way to guarantee that you get what YOU want. When my dad passed away five years ago, all five of us siblings went with mom to make the arrangements that they never thought of (he died in his sleep unexpectedly). Mom knew he wanted to be cremated, but in small town fashion, a viewing was had. I remember mom feeling sick that he would be displayed in his best western suit jacket, and that it would be burned later. I also remember how embarassed she felt, when she “pretended” to forget his cowboy boots, and how mad one of my brothers was that dad was not “buried with his boots on”. A sad case of practicality vs propriety. Brother #2 built a beautiful oak box for his ashes that was on display at the funeral, and it is still on display in mom’s living room. His ashes will likely never be buried or spread around. The maddening part is that the funeral home charged mom around $500 for the little plot of land where this box could be planted, $500 that she could have kept in her pocket. I agree that a funeral is for the survivors; between the viewing and funeral, almost 1,000 people showed up to see dad off (mom said some of them probably just came to make sure he was really dead!). Dad would have appreciated the humor, and the number of people who adored his musicality. I, on the other hand, cannot think that there would be 100 people showing up at mine, and do not want a big show at all. I agree with Gail – if any of my parts still work, the world is welcome to them. I also have some quirky body functions that medical science should check out. That should equal less time in the crematorium, and a smaller urn box!! I plan on setting out a plan, in writing, so my sons do not have to deal with this burden when the time comes. In the meantime, the sun is shining, and I think spring has sprung!!!
March 18, 2009 at 3:04 pm
To Marie:
I have worked in a law office and have assisted preparing wills and powers of attorney. The lawyer’s suggestion was to always put your funeral wishes in your power attorney as well because usually, no one looks at your will until after the funeral and everything is more settled.
Just a thought for anyone preapring their will and powers of attorney …
March 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Amanda and Diana F:
That is why I told me executor where the info is located. I should have specified that earlier!
March 18, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I admit, I saw the topic title and wanted to cover my ears – NAH, NAH, NAH I can’t hear you…..
But I pressed on to actually read it and am surprised and delighted with the way you presented such an unpleasant topic. My husband and I have a will and life insurance, but we have never discussed the actual funeral thing. We recently went to a funeral that was nicely done, but I realized as the presentation went on that the chaplain must not have known my uncle… and that was kind of sad, he was hired to be there. It made me think about who might present the final words of encouragement to the surviving members of my family on my passing….
As a matter of fact I am going to look more into this EFA thing. I am only in my 30’s but y’never know, right?
March 18, 2009 at 7:34 pm
My 16 year old and I have had this conversation more than once in the past 2 months ( neither one of us are ill btw). She wants to be cremated and turned into a “gem stone”, while I want to be cremated too and my ashes spread around to my favorite places. I’m having my will done up for the first of May and will ensure that my lawyer knows exactly what I want along with my DD, in case something ever happened to the 2 of us.
MY DD wants to have a celebration of her life if anything happens, and I’d want a memorial service.
March 18, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Hello, my name is Catherine and I am a wimp when it comes to all things funeral/funeral homes, and death. I’m dead against them – pun intended. I almost have panic attacks going to a funeral home, but am better at an actual funeral service. The playing of Amazing Grace on the bag pipes does me in, and the hymn ‘A Walk In The Garden’ does as well. My parents favourites.
My Mom started telling me she and my Dads wishes when I was in my early 20’s. I couldn’t hear it. Would just burst into tears. It took years before I could handle that conversation. She always wished my hubby good luck after they were gone and laughed.
Well, I have survived. Dad passed away in 96 and Mom in 99. I miss them both so much, every single day.
I’ve written out my own wishes. I’ve told my hubby and kids. Because I’ve always been so in to geneology and have had such a terrible time finding ancestors (I’m only back to the 1700’s), I want to be found if down the road someone is looking.
Hubby wants to be cremated and thrown into his favourite spot – a lake. Not me. I will be cremated and buried in the last plot my grandparents bought eons ago – where Mom and Dad are also cremated and buried (Dad ’sat’ on a shelf for those 3 years because they wanted to be buried at the same time and I arranged it all in 99) and my name and birthdate is already engraved on the back of their headstone – just have to add the ‘end date’.
It’s a difficult topic, but one you have handled very well Gail….
March 19, 2009 at 10:39 am
Lisa M.: If you have funds in an EFA, and the funeral home goes out of business, yes your funds are still protected! The funeral home has to put the funds in a trust with a bank, credit union, etc. Should your funeral service provider of choice cease to exist, you would be notified, and given an opportunity to transfer your contract to another funeral provider, or to have the funds returned to you.
Someone quoted prices for services, and although they are good, do not expect that every funeral home will match it. Take the approach of ’shopping around’ and contact several funeral service providers in your area. Ask them to send you a price list (by law they must give you one when asked). Base your decision on how well they treated you, not just by price. Consider the value for your money.
When dealing with funeral service providers, you are usually dealing with different companies…you have to pay the cemetery for the burial lot (either for a casket or cremated remains), you have to pay the cremation service for the actual cremation, and you have to pay the funeral home for the casket, embalming, services, vehicles, and maybe an urn if required.
The best thing about pre-arranged, pre-paid funeral contracts is that you ‘lock’ in the price at the time you sign it, regardless of when you actually use it.
March 19, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Thanks for clarifying that the EFA is protected April W; much appreciated! The benefits of ‘locking in the price’ as well as saving your loved ones the organizational grief is certainly something to think about.
March 20, 2009 at 10:00 am
Hi,
Interesting post and I agree with Marie.
March 20, 2009 at 11:57 am
In November 2007 I had to very quickly plan my husbands funeral after his sudden death. We had nothing planned and no money set aside for emergencies. It cost me $10,000.00 just for the funeral, this did not include flowers, headstone, plot, and extras such as food and liquor for all the visitors, stamps for thank you cards, clothes for my children for the church, pet care (we stayed with my parents for a week), food for the reception after the internment,. The extras added up very quickly all in all in cost me somewhere in the number of $15,0000.00. Fortunately I have a huge support system and live in an amazing community. This was a very stressful, and expensive (but well learned) lesson, that I will not repeat. Although I have not done a preplanned funeral I have taken insurance that will pay for my funeral plus added expenses for myself and my children.
March 20, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Further to organizing your funeral it would be VERY helpful to those left behind to have your updated information needed for your obituary. I spent many hours trying to get the information for my Dad’s obit.
Family left behind, Predeceased family names (spelling of these names are important as I soon discovered) Clubs and organizations that he was a member of , past employment, War information, I learned so much that was not talked about much.
March 24, 2009 at 9:25 am
Great article Gail. You’ve simplified the language of pre-planning and pre-paying. You also hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that many nursing homes make pre-planned funerals mandatory as part of their acceptance of a new client. What you might not know, however, is that in Toronto, there is a service called Remember Network that will actually do all the planning and the actual service at the nursing home at your request – and it costs about half as much because you bybass the funeral home entirely, saving you the costs of fancy vehicles and room rentals to name a few. It also allows the deceased’s elderly friends and care staff to easily attend the service.
March 25, 2009 at 2:45 am
Does anyone know the rules/laws about spreading ashes? I have heard that you are not allowed to spread ashes in most places.
Susan
June 21, 2009 at 1:30 pm
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