Comments on: Part 4 — The Strings Attached

By: Rhonda

Rhonda — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:59:30 +0000

I generally don’t tell my kids what to use their money for, I let them make their own decisions about what to buy, but i don’t agree that my kids shouldn’t have to do anything to get there money.
Then it’s like their allowance is a welfare cheque or something. If I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. That is the lesson I point out, when they don’t want to do their chores but still expect their allowance. I want them to understand that nobody gives you money for nothing, and if you want to have spending money, you need to earn it. I definitely do not treat it like I have the power and they have to do as I say. They know what needs to be done and if they make the choice not to do it, they are choosing to not earn their allowance. They have the control, not me.

By: Melanie Reformed Spender

Melanie Reformed Spender — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:02:53 +0000

“And for g-d sakes, lighten up”

I’m not suggesting a totalitarian regime or anything. I think putting too many restrictions on a teen is the best way to guarantee they will get into trouble. I’m just saying that if there is a point where I feel it’s necessary to step in. To me, there is a point where clothing can become a moral issue. By all means, she can use her money to buy it… but she’s still not allowed to wear it. (This is a hypothetical situation and I’m imagining something really inappropriate… not a skirt just above the knee or a shirt that’s a little too snug).

I guess what I’m getting at is that there will be *some* rules in the house and that they’re not allowed to break the rules even if it is their money.

By: Erran

Erran — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:18:49 +0000

Perhaps it’s foolish thinking on my part, but I have this suspicion that if the knowledge of money handling comes early enough, and they learn the discipline needed for proper money management, then it would seem that discipline would carry on to other aspects of that child’s life. I have a tough time imagining a teenager choosing to smoke pot when they’ve learned from the trial-and-error process of dealing with money that delayed gratification is what is necessary in order to get what is wanted. Immoral behaviour such as drugs, or wearing inappropriate clothing, usually stems from a lack of self-respect or inability to control one’s urges. Will there be some experimentation? Most likely. But is it so bad? Part of growing up is getting a feel for what works or does not work for a person. Harping about how bad something is only strengthens the temptation to do it. Let’s face it…a teenager is not exactly looking for the approval of their parents, nor should they. It’s part of the individualization process…the process that allows them to be a responsible person when they’re on their own and when no one but them is responsible for their own well being. A parent’s job is to guide his/her children into making appropriate choices depending on the circumstance, not to control or dictate their child. That only comes from a position of weakness.

You can state your objection, and explain why you feel you disagree with certain choices, but at the end of the day, it’s the child’s/teenager’s choice what they will do and how they will spend the money. Gail is right. Much like your love, the training (in this case, allowance) should be unconditional. Let them learn for themselves about the smart way of using their finite money. Eventually getting drunk and smoking pot will get old real fast when they want the next big iPod, iPhone, BlackBerry, designer jeans, whatever when they realize they don’t have money to afford those things.

If you want to have your child not do drugs, explain to them, as they’re just entering their teenage years, where the drugs come from and how their money that is used to buy drugs will go support people who beat and kill others, abuse people, provide prostitution and so on. That should provide enlightenment. Don’t you remember what it was like to be a teen? Wanting to save the world before you realize there was only so much you can change, that you can’t change the world, but you can do your part?

Food for thought. And for g-d sakes, lighten up. Thanks for reading my soap box rant!

By: Wanda

Wanda — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:15:13 +0000

As a grandparent, I am trying not to make the same money mistakes that I made with my children. Thank goodness, there is sort of a second time around! This time it is focussed more on sharing and saving with a little left over for spending. The parents can give the allowance; I just give a few extras so they can at least know there is a different way to think about money they receive.

Gail, I have been on this site since you set it up and lo and behold, I finally read your comment about using the ‘Search’ function by clicking the magnifying glass in the top right corner! Yes, I am a slow learner but I’ve got it now and thanks for that ‘Search’ Function as I know in the past I have questioned (to myself) why you didn’t have a search function! You did, I just didn’t look.

By: Amber

Amber — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 22:56:45 +0000

I totally agree Gail. I just started an allowance with my daughter, and it’s no strings attached. We help out because we’re part of the family, not for some reward.

And my kid is 4, so she’s spending her money on cheap second-hand toys. That’s her choice. I don’t like the toys, but it’s her money. Plus, I am more than a little bit proud that she’s learned about buying second hand already.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:07:22 +0000

A-men Gail. Although my kids do have chores to do, I don’t tie their allowances to it. I just tie the grief of the longer they put it off, the dirtier/bigger piles it becomes. If they don’t put their laundry away, it goes on their beds every day until they do. If they don’t clean their bathroom, (and I can say YUCK here), then they extend the grossness by a week until they do. Then the other sibling gets a week of not having to do it. Consequence learned.

For the whole clothing issue or drugs/alcohol/rust bucket issue, I think that may come down to what a parent can or cannot control. If my children want to wear age inappropriate things, yes I would step in, or at the very least give some advice. I remember wearing some Madonna-ish clothing at 14 and having 3 long earrings in one ear, head shaved on the other, but when my sister asked me what friends would want to take me home to meet their parents looking like that (and a defiant sticking-out of the tongue by me), the next day the clothing was re-vamped and the earrings were tossed (“Yeah, I just don’t like that stuff anymore, but not because of YOUR opinion” was my response to my gloating sister).

But if they want to shave their heads or dye their hair blue (as Barbara Coloroso also pointed out moons ago) then so be it. Would it irritate me? Yeah, but as long as they aren’t putting holes the size of finger-openings through their ears or tattoos on their faces that will hinder them in the not-so-distant future when they decide they’re done with teenage angst and want to join the real working world, then I’ll let them try-on a few fads.

Note, I’ve got the nose of a hawk, and my kids know I’ll smell drugs/alcohol/tobacco on them or their friends when they’re still a mile away, so they’ve been forwarned of the consequences of THOSE choices made before they’re ready. Sex, well…I’ll overcome that hurdle when it’s presented I guess. *shudder*

By: winkwink

winkwink — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:37:26 +0000

This just confirmed for me that I am *so* not ready to have kids yet. Contraceptives are way cheaper than children

By: Fiona

Fiona — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:24:54 +0000

Pol*

I agree. I love what you said there. Makes complete sense

By: Pol*

Pol* — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:27:32 +0000

I am going to quote my favourite parenting writer here:
“If a situation is neither life threatening, morally threatening, nor unhealthy, let the natural consequence of what the child did give life to the child’s learning” – Barbara Coloroso
I think that applies to money too… so if my daughter is choosing to buy overly-revealling clothing that is unappropriate for her age, or my son buys a car that is outrageously worn out and unsafe (especially if he doesn’t have the cash to maintain it), then I would have to step in for moral AND safety reasons. Until they are 18 AND living under their own roof, the safety and moral welfare of my children is still my reponsibility even if the money they get for their allowance is THEIR responsibility.

(Though I agree with you on principle)

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:41:32 +0000

The purchase of pot is a legal issue, not a money issue. I think the point is that as long as your kid isn’t doing anything illegal or immoral with her money, let her spend it on HER priorities rather than your own. It’s better for her to learn her lessons now rather than when she’s an adult with five figures of credit card debt.

By: Melanie Reformed Spender

Melanie Reformed Spender — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:06:02 +0000

I agree with most of your points, but I don’t think that the child should be allowed to go outside of established rules and boundaries with their money. What if your teen spends her allowance on pot? Oh well… it’s her money? I don’t think so.

In matters that are purely of style, I agree with this post. But if my child buys something that’s completely innappropriate, he or she is still not going to be allowed to wear it. For girls especially, the temptation to grow up too fast is strong due to hypersexualized media and advertising. I’m not going to force her to button up to the neck, but I will not let her dress in a way that’s degrading to herself and other women.

Growing up doesn’t happen all at once and parents are there to guide them through the process. I believe that it’s important to give them some freedom, but that doesn’t mean a free-for-all either. As they age and prove themselves responsible in some areas, they earn more and more of it, until they are completely independent and ready to leave.