Part 4 — The Strings Attached
Posted by Gail | Filed under Kids & Money
If there were strings attached to the money you received as a child, those memories will have a strong bearing on the strings you attach to your children’s money. Perhaps you were never given an allowance and had to work for every penny you got. Your allowance may have been tied to chores. Or you may have been required to save all the money received as gifts. Whatever your experiences, they may colour the way you look at allowances in general, and you need to try and put them aside. Even if you had to walk seven miles to school in blinding snow with a hole in your shoe, that doesn’t mean you want the same thing for your own children.
Most people have no problem with the concept that teaching kids about money is an important part of their development. And most would acknowledge that having some money to manage is the best way to learn how money works. But when it comes to what you should ask of your children in exchange for that allowance, there are some pretty adamant folks. Some people feel an allowance should have no strings attached. Others think it should be tied to chores in the home, school grades, or behaviour (“If you don’t smarten up, I’ll cut off your allowance!”). Some parents debate about whether or not kids should work for their money through part-time jobs. Some feel that school is a child’s job, and any other work detracts from potential success at school. Others think that a part-time job is perfectly fine, while still others believe that a part-time job is essential because it begins the development of a good work ethic.
From early on, children receive mixed messages about money. At home they hear one thing, at school and among their peers, another. Mom does it one way, Dad is the complete opposite. What is consistent is that nobody seems able to agree on the money rules. And often those mixed messages stay with kids long after your parental influence has passed.
I believe that allowances should come strings-free and that it’s perfectly fine for children to get a part-time job to supplement their allowance—not to replace it—when they get older.
Think about why you’re giving your kid an allowance. The objective should be to teach him money-management skills. The fact that you work hard for your money will be brought home when your child learns relative value: how many hours he has to work to afford that pair of running shoes.
Money doesn’t work as a reward for good behaviour. Just ask any of the management theorists who have proven that money is not a motivator for adults. So why should it be for children? Good behaviour is based on an understanding of right and wrong, thoughtfulness, caring, and consideration, along with myriad other positive attributes, all of which have to be internalized.
Good grades are your child’s responsibility. School is his primary job and good grades are an indication that he is doing his job well. If you provide financial reward for good grades, you are externalizing the reward. Instead, the reward should be internalized: the self-esteem and pride that accompanies having done well at school.
As for an allowance being payment for chores, who pays you to do the chores in your home? Chores are a part of each individual’s responsibility to the family. Payment for regular chores negates a child’s individual responsibility as a member of the family unit. (Payment for extra household tasks—those above and beyond a child’s normal chores—is fine when they are specifically doing the task to earn some money.)
The biggest problem in tying your child’s allowance to the completion of her chores comes on the day when you must withdraw the allowance. Now you’re teaching your child, “I have the money and you’ll have to do as I say to get some of it!” That’s a straight-out power play. “I have the money, so I have the power.” Ouch! Not a lesson I want my children to learn. A far better tack for children who don’t follow through on household responsibilities is to do a like-for-like comparison. “Alex, if you don’t make your bed, I’m going to have to. And I only have time to do one thing, make your bed or make your lunch. Which one do you want to do?”
What do you do if your daughter takes her monthly clothing allotment and blows it all on a dress for a party? So be it. The money is gone.
You can’t stand seeing her in those ratty old jeans. That’s your problem, not hers. At some point you have to allow your children to be self-determining. If you object to your daughter showing up to special family gatherings wearing something you consider totally inappropriate, you can ask her to be considerate of your feelings and dress a little more conservatively. Take her shopping for a special outfit and set it aside for those occasions.
Can’t stand to see your hard-earned money being spent on the trashy clothes she buys? It’s not your money. It’s her money. You gave it to her and it’s hers to manage. Let her live with the consequences of her purchase decisions. If she comes to you and says, “Mom, I don’t have anything to wear! I need a decent dress,” resist the urge to take her on a shopping spree out of sheer relief. If there are no consequences to her purchase decisions she won’t learn anything. She needs to experience the natural consequences. Your best response would be, “Molly, I’m sorry you don’t think you have anything decent to wear. Maybe you should budget for some new clothes out of your next allowance.”
Clothing is often a point of disagreement between parents and children. But there are hundreds of other examples. Your son may arrive home one day with a haphazard haircut that makes him look, at least from your perspective, like a barbarian. Grit your teeth and smile. Your daughter may decide to spend her long-saved planned spending money on something other than her original goal. That’s her choice. Your son arrives home with a beat-up car on its last legs. And he paid what for it? You can say, “Get rid of that thing — you’re not parking it in front of my house!” or you can say, “Have you considered what it will cost to find a parking place for that?”
The way you react to your children’s purchase decision will affect the ways they continue to make their decisions. In a perfect, world your child would have your exquisite taste, would ask for your advice on each purchase decision and would demonstrate a healthy helping of common sense in all things financial. But it’s not a perfect world, and making mistakes is part of the whole process.
When children make mistakes, you can do a couple of things. You can rant and rave, which will win you no points as a balanced and open-minded parent. You can rush in and bail your kid out, which will do nothing in terms of teaching what may be a very important lesson in consequences. Or you can help your child to determine how he will fix the problem. If your daughter dents the car, she should not only have to pay for the repair, she should also have to take time from her busy schedule to have the repairs done. If your son spends $200 on a pair of running shoes (when a $50 pair would have been fine), he should have to go without whatever else that money was destined for: a school trip, a special purchase or his next month’s supply of razors.
Next: Money Lessons
March 12, 2009 at 9:06 am
I agree with most of your points, but I don’t think that the child should be allowed to go outside of established rules and boundaries with their money. What if your teen spends her allowance on pot? Oh well… it’s her money? I don’t think so.
In matters that are purely of style, I agree with this post. But if my child buys something that’s completely innappropriate, he or she is still not going to be allowed to wear it. For girls especially, the temptation to grow up too fast is strong due to hypersexualized media and advertising. I’m not going to force her to button up to the neck, but I will not let her dress in a way that’s degrading to herself and other women.
Growing up doesn’t happen all at once and parents are there to guide them through the process. I believe that it’s important to give them some freedom, but that doesn’t mean a free-for-all either. As they age and prove themselves responsible in some areas, they earn more and more of it, until they are completely independent and ready to leave.
March 12, 2009 at 11:41 am
The purchase of pot is a legal issue, not a money issue. I think the point is that as long as your kid isn’t doing anything illegal or immoral with her money, let her spend it on HER priorities rather than your own. It’s better for her to learn her lessons now rather than when she’s an adult with five figures of credit card debt.
March 12, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I am going to quote my favourite parenting writer here:
“If a situation is neither life threatening, morally threatening, nor unhealthy, let the natural consequence of what the child did give life to the child’s learning” – Barbara Coloroso
I think that applies to money too… so if my daughter is choosing to buy overly-revealling clothing that is unappropriate for her age, or my son buys a car that is outrageously worn out and unsafe (especially if he doesn’t have the cash to maintain it), then I would have to step in for moral AND safety reasons. Until they are 18 AND living under their own roof, the safety and moral welfare of my children is still my reponsibility even if the money they get for their allowance is THEIR responsibility.
(Though I agree with you on principle)
March 12, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Pol*
I agree. I love what you said there. Makes complete sense
March 12, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This just confirmed for me that I am *so* not ready to have kids yet. Contraceptives are way cheaper than children
March 12, 2009 at 4:07 pm
A-men Gail. Although my kids do have chores to do, I don’t tie their allowances to it. I just tie the grief of the longer they put it off, the dirtier/bigger piles it becomes. If they don’t put their laundry away, it goes on their beds every day until they do. If they don’t clean their bathroom, (and I can say YUCK here), then they extend the grossness by a week until they do. Then the other sibling gets a week of not having to do it. Consequence learned.
For the whole clothing issue or drugs/alcohol/rust bucket issue, I think that may come down to what a parent can or cannot control. If my children want to wear age inappropriate things, yes I would step in, or at the very least give some advice. I remember wearing some Madonna-ish clothing at 14 and having 3 long earrings in one ear, head shaved on the other, but when my sister asked me what friends would want to take me home to meet their parents looking like that (and a defiant sticking-out of the tongue by me), the next day the clothing was re-vamped and the earrings were tossed (“Yeah, I just don’t like that stuff anymore, but not because of YOUR opinion” was my response to my gloating sister).
But if they want to shave their heads or dye their hair blue (as Barbara Coloroso also pointed out moons ago) then so be it. Would it irritate me? Yeah, but as long as they aren’t putting holes the size of finger-openings through their ears or tattoos on their faces that will hinder them in the not-so-distant future when they decide they’re done with teenage angst and want to join the real working world, then I’ll let them try-on a few fads.
Note, I’ve got the nose of a hawk, and my kids know I’ll smell drugs/alcohol/tobacco on them or their friends when they’re still a mile away, so they’ve been forwarned of the consequences of THOSE choices made before they’re ready. Sex, well…I’ll overcome that hurdle when it’s presented I guess. *shudder*
March 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I totally agree Gail. I just started an allowance with my daughter, and it’s no strings attached. We help out because we’re part of the family, not for some reward.
And my kid is 4, so she’s spending her money on cheap second-hand toys. That’s her choice. I don’t like the toys, but it’s her money. Plus, I am more than a little bit proud that she’s learned about buying second hand already.
March 12, 2009 at 6:15 pm
As a grandparent, I am trying not to make the same money mistakes that I made with my children. Thank goodness, there is sort of a second time around! This time it is focussed more on sharing and saving with a little left over for spending. The parents can give the allowance; I just give a few extras so they can at least know there is a different way to think about money they receive.
Gail, I have been on this site since you set it up and lo and behold, I finally read your comment about using the ‘Search’ function by clicking the magnifying glass in the top right corner! Yes, I am a slow learner but I’ve got it now and thanks for that ‘Search’ Function as I know in the past I have questioned (to myself) why you didn’t have a search function!
You did, I just didn’t look.
March 12, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Perhaps it’s foolish thinking on my part, but I have this suspicion that if the knowledge of money handling comes early enough, and they learn the discipline needed for proper money management, then it would seem that discipline would carry on to other aspects of that child’s life. I have a tough time imagining a teenager choosing to smoke pot when they’ve learned from the trial-and-error process of dealing with money that delayed gratification is what is necessary in order to get what is wanted. Immoral behaviour such as drugs, or wearing inappropriate clothing, usually stems from a lack of self-respect or inability to control one’s urges. Will there be some experimentation? Most likely. But is it so bad? Part of growing up is getting a feel for what works or does not work for a person. Harping about how bad something is only strengthens the temptation to do it. Let’s face it…a teenager is not exactly looking for the approval of their parents, nor should they. It’s part of the individualization process…the process that allows them to be a responsible person when they’re on their own and when no one but them is responsible for their own well being. A parent’s job is to guide his/her children into making appropriate choices depending on the circumstance, not to control or dictate their child. That only comes from a position of weakness.
You can state your objection, and explain why you feel you disagree with certain choices, but at the end of the day, it’s the child’s/teenager’s choice what they will do and how they will spend the money. Gail is right. Much like your love, the training (in this case, allowance) should be unconditional. Let them learn for themselves about the smart way of using their finite money. Eventually getting drunk and smoking pot will get old real fast when they want the next big iPod, iPhone, BlackBerry, designer jeans, whatever when they realize they don’t have money to afford those things.
If you want to have your child not do drugs, explain to them, as they’re just entering their teenage years, where the drugs come from and how their money that is used to buy drugs will go support people who beat and kill others, abuse people, provide prostitution and so on. That should provide enlightenment. Don’t you remember what it was like to be a teen? Wanting to save the world before you realize there was only so much you can change, that you can’t change the world, but you can do your part?
Food for thought. And for g-d sakes, lighten up. Thanks for reading my soap box rant!
March 12, 2009 at 11:02 pm
“And for g-d sakes, lighten up”
I’m not suggesting a totalitarian regime or anything. I think putting too many restrictions on a teen is the best way to guarantee they will get into trouble. I’m just saying that if there is a point where I feel it’s necessary to step in. To me, there is a point where clothing can become a moral issue. By all means, she can use her money to buy it… but she’s still not allowed to wear it. (This is a hypothetical situation and I’m imagining something really inappropriate… not a skirt just above the knee or a shirt that’s a little too snug).
I guess what I’m getting at is that there will be *some* rules in the house and that they’re not allowed to break the rules even if it is their money.
March 13, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I generally don’t tell my kids what to use their money for, I let them make their own decisions about what to buy, but i don’t agree that my kids shouldn’t have to do anything to get there money.
Then it’s like their allowance is a welfare cheque or something. If I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. That is the lesson I point out, when they don’t want to do their chores but still expect their allowance. I want them to understand that nobody gives you money for nothing, and if you want to have spending money, you need to earn it. I definitely do not treat it like I have the power and they have to do as I say. They know what needs to be done and if they make the choice not to do it, they are choosing to not earn their allowance. They have the control, not me.