Relax, Breathe, It’ll be Fine
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
More than a few people have written to say they are panic-stricken by the state of the economy. They want to know how much worse it’s going to get. Friends and family are losing jobs. The sands are shifting. Life sucks.
Ya know what? Life doesn’t suck. It’s just life. And this is the stuff of life. Up. Down. Sideways. Two steps forward and one back. Three steps back and one forward. It’s a dance, and how happy you are depends at how good you are at keeping up with the changes.
Part of the problem is that ALL the news is dour. Once upon a time, all the news was good and people believed there was nowhere to go but up. Now that the news is telling us down is the new up, we believe. Stop believing. Start focusing on your own experience, and never mind the crap happening around you.
I haven’t opened an investment statement in months now. No news is better than being made to feel my world is coming to an end. I have the luxury of time to take advantage of the next up-swing, so I’m just going keep on keeping on. Of course, I have an emergency fund, so I don’t need to get at that money right away and can afford to just ignore it in the short term.
One of the things I have always found helps to assuage my navel-gazing is to get busy helping someone else. There are always people who could use some help. Whether it’s cooking a meal for a stressed-out single mom, helping an ill friend by picking up magazines and books at the library, or driving a neighbour to an appointment, doing something for someone else feels better than whining about how much life sucks.
I’m also one for being kind to myself. While I was going through my recent changes, I was not sleeping much at all. Maybe four hours a night. All that packing. All that worry. So when I moved, I made sure to set up my bedroom quickly, making it as pretty as can be… a place to which I can retreat at night. And it’s working. I’m back up to six or seven hours a night. What a relief.
It’s important to do nice little things for yourself so that you have that “taken-care-of” feeling. Maybe you and a girlfriend can swap manicures. Take a stroll in the quiet of a park. Make yourself a cuppa and just sit and watch the birds. Or the clouds. Or the kids.
Speaking of which, spending time with your fam is a great offset to spending money. There are loads of things you can do together, from game night to a romp outside. Invite family and friends you haven’t seen for a while to drop in for a pot-luck Sunday lunch. Let your kids invite the friends over for a “camp-out” in the basement. Listen to their laughter and take joy in the fact that you have so much for which you can be grateful.
If there was ever a time to embrace your faith, this would be it. Finding some way to focus on your spiritual centre let’s you put what’s happening in context. Today is only today. In the grander scheme of things, what’s happening now is a blip. Open your arms and embrace the changes that will come, and know that you will grow.
And for goodness sake, share your feelings with someone. Holding your stress in and letting all that crap circle around your head will make you crazy. Last weekend I went through a tough spell. Saturday I went into the dumper and posted about how tough it is dealing with new realities. On Sunday my son turned 13. He wasn’t with me. He was with his dad and I hadn’t realized how much of a kick to the stomach I was going to take being away from my baby on his birthday for the first time ever. I went to Kathryn’s house and cried like a baby.
Find a friend you trust and talk about how you’re feeling. It should be a funny friend, one who will poke holes in your misery and help you laugh at your life. Be a friend to someone who desperately needs some relief from the caca in their heads. Listen. Share yourself. You are the greatest gift.
BTW: All the wonderful posts that came in after my Saturday blog made me feel Not Alone. You’re a pretty terrific posse, and I’m thrilled to have you in my world. I consider you all to be a gift to me and I thank the universe for you.
March 6, 2009 at 7:28 am
Thanks Gail – you seem to know just what I need, when I need it : )
March 6, 2009 at 7:32 am
Gail, I do understand the feeling that you are going through with you son. I too, back in the early ’80’s, was a single parent and felt the same kick in the stomach feeling when my daughter was at her father’s over Christmas. Hang in there! This too shall pass! Trust me!
I think that this economic time that we are going through is a lesson for me to live simply. Although I have always lived simply, I feel that there is alway room for learning this style of living. Several of my friends meet for breakfast every two weeks and we are a great support network for each other. I don’t know what I would do with out them!
Chin up my dear!
Zelda
March 6, 2009 at 8:59 am
I love this post Gail. A few weeks ago we had two stressful things happen within hours of each other (both expensive) and my husband was moaning how life sucks. I said, very matter of factly, that life in fact doesn’t suck. These are hassles that we’ll get through, and we should be grateful for our health, our families, our home, etc.
I can’t agree more that when you find yourself bemoaning your life, that the so-called “simple things” are the best prescription-family, friends, helping others, taking care of yourself… As the saying goes, “the best things in life are free”.
March 6, 2009 at 9:16 am
[...] Gail Vaz-Oxlade has a no-nonsense take on the economic turmoil. [...]
March 6, 2009 at 10:06 am
The timing on this one is great, Gail.
R and I are trying to plan our (Jewish) wedding, and the last few days’ discussion has centred around the breaking of the glass. There’s a bagillion different explanations for it, like that it’s a symbol of the destruction of the Temple, it symbolizes the fragility of life, etc. but I think the one we’ve settled on is that it’s a reminder that there will bad times as well as good. We just have to keep it in perspective!
March 6, 2009 at 10:30 am
i know no matter how stressful my life gets or what curveballs are thrown i know i have so much to be thankful for. i know that i am better off then 99% of the worlds population. i have safe drinking water, indoor plumbing, a bank account, a job, a house, money in the bank, a doctor, a dentist, a child, food in my fridge/freezer/pantry, clothing, and the love of my family and friends.
truly we are the blessed.
~dinah
ps. i have started a winnipeg gail club. if you’re from winnipeg or around winnipeg and are interested in joining please check out the gail club fourms!
March 6, 2009 at 10:40 am
Across from my desk at work is the desk of my friend Mel. We daily check your blog and remind each other to check it out when it is a particularly good one. (As she did remind me today).
We discuss our hubbies and our issues, our kids and finances, work stuff and world stuff. And lets not forget FOOD! And we usually end it off with a big laugh.
I couldn’t agree more that you need to get this stuff out and it will make you feel better. Especially if it is someone with similar experiences.
So a big thank-you Gail for your wise words and a big thank-you Mel for being my friend.
March 6, 2009 at 10:49 am
Well…
I can understand why you are getting loads of letters regarding the economy Gail. Things are NOT good. And we’ve not hit bottom yet.
My husband and I will be finding out this afternoon if we are BOTH out of a job.
But…
We are ‘relaxing’ as much as we can (i am doing the majority of the stressing I believe LOL… but you’d not notice… like a duck on a pond… calm, cool, and collected above the surface… feet paddling furiously just below)
I woke up this morning, so the breathing is a given
And I am thanking an old and dear friend of mine for teaching me long ago to “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.” With his advice, your nuggets of information and insight, and my natural inclinations, I think (or is that hope ?) we’ll be okay.
March 6, 2009 at 11:08 am
Sh*t happens. This why you need a back up plan, or two, or three…
1- Revisit your budget
2- Have three but preferably six month’s worth of mandatory expenses in cash
3- Consolidate high interest debt to lower interest
4- Update your resume
5- Find a way to fill gaps in your resume so you can find another job if this one is lost (training, second job, …)
Ok, did you do all you could? You did your best so now take it as it comes. The occasional grunt is to be expected.
Now go do something fun for cheap, I dare you!
March 6, 2009 at 11:17 am
Way ahead of you Marie
March 6, 2009 at 11:18 am
But thanks
March 6, 2009 at 11:45 am
Gail,
Thanks for this post. It puts things into “PERSPECTIVE” for me. You’re here every day for us … and we’re here for you…
Most of my co-workers have been talking about “offshoring” jobs, departments that are cutting jobs, and then I hear….”I’m going on vacation because it may be the last one for a while”….funny thing is these people can’t afford it. They are in debt up to their eyeballs, and they’re going on vacation?? Gees, I put away 10% (minimum) every paycheck, and I CAN’T afford it (actually it’s more like I don’t want to part with my money).
Yes, I would love to go but it just doesn’t make sense right now.
Anyway, in these times we need to be a friend to ourselves as much as we are to others…
Thanks again,
E.
March 6, 2009 at 11:49 am
Colleen I love your duck metaphor! I have never heard that before and it’s so true!
Thanks,
Shelley
March 6, 2009 at 12:27 pm
After my divorce was final, my ex decided, out of the blue, that he would punish me by refusing to pay child support and completely cutting himself off from us. He moved out of province and worked under the table (I found out years later). My girls were 3 and 6 and they were devastated. There were not even phone calls on birthdays. Luckily, his large, loving family stayed close to us and that really helped.
My current wonderful husband shares his son on holidays and birthdays with his ex and of course, pays his child support plus extras. He’s often sad when it’s not “his turn” and sometimes I remind him of my story and how much worse things can be. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t but it does seem to lessen his hurt overall, so I’m sharing it with you. Hope it helps, Gail.
March 6, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I have friends and family losing jobs, their relationships strained to the breaking point, the stress seems a mountain as big as Everest and impossible to take in all at once…..
All I can recommend is that they count their blessings and try to approach the change with some hope that their good sense and good hearts will see them through to the other side.
On a brighter note, it is a cycle, it will curve away from us as it cruved towards us. I blip in history, a tiny moment that is only what we make of it.
I love that Gail has said that we need to take this opportunity to embrace what we have and enjoy the free things we can do that make us feel good…. helping others, embracing our human connections in a meaningful way.
March 6, 2009 at 12:57 pm
For those in the Toronto area – want a free pick me up?
Go Outside!
Savour the stupendous joy of not minus 27 degrees with a wind chill factor of minus a kazillion…
Yahoo!
March 6, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Because I have spent so much time alone at home over these past two years I have become a news whore. Any time, any place and I’m up for it. The problem is that it really used to bring me down. Is there ever any good news? In fact it is recommended by many doctors that you stop watching the news to de-stress because the distress of others leads to more stress in your life.
I tried turning it off – even had the Hubster wipe the news channels off of the remote so that I couldn’t click on to them – but not knowing drove me nuts. A conundrum since the knowing also drove me nuts.
Last year I discovered something. It isn’t the news itself that was stressing me out but the fact that what I was watching was so repetitious and one sided.
There is a show I watch about animals on the French channel (30 Million of Our Friends) and one day I just happened to keep watching when the Swiss news came on. I was stunned to hear their version of the events that I had just watched on CTV and CBC. All sorts of new facts and different opinions about the same stories and a whole bunch of new stories that were not aired on our news. Wow. Got me to wondering what the real agenda was with all the news networks. Shouldn’t facts be facts? Shouldn’t an important story that happens in the Sudan be reported all over the world? And shouldn’t it be the story and nothing but the whole story?
Anyways, I now watch less news but when a story interests me I watch the Canadian news (both Anglo and Franco and there is a case where 3 channels can have 4 different reports), the American news (cable and network), the Swiss, French and Belgium news and the BBC. Instead of being driven completely round the bend by information overload I am much less stressed. I think it is the balance.
Just to let you know – as far as the financial news goes you can stop worrying about whether or not you should believe what you hear. All chanels and countries are reporting that we are screwed.
March 6, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@ Colleen from Cambridge… Good Luck Today. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
March 6, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Sometimes I think the best thing to do is to just turn the TV off.
The news is so negative. It doesn’t help to have a husband who is rather “half empty”.
Colleen, I hope you & your husband get some good news. I have a feeling you’ll pull through just fine either way. **sending good vibes your way**
I’m just trying to focus on simplifying life a little, spending less, saving more and slowing picking away at my debt. If I focus on all the negatives I’ll drive myself batty!
Dinah, thank you for sharing your story. You are so right. We have so much to be thankful for.
Kate: Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. I always wondered what the Jewish tradition of breaking glass was all about. I love your view on it.
Off to exercise so I can get some happy endorphines flowing!
March 6, 2009 at 2:18 pm
When I hear someone say “Life sucks”, I remind them that it is better than the alternative, cuz that’s permanent!! Just like Saskatchewan weather, wait five minutes, it’ll change. I don’t watch the news, unless it is on in the staff room. I prefer to focus on my circle of family and friends. And there are so many ways to celebrate what we do have. Just yesterday, Thursday, I cooked a turkey, with all the trimmings, and had my mother, niece and her babies, nephew and his fiance over for grub. Just us, small family gathering, and a huge turkey! I wanted to celebrate my niece escaping from her abusive husband, (another province) and make her feel special/welcome in her new city. Yesterday just happened to be my “Sunday”. Life throws curve balls, it’s all in how we respond to them that separates the ducks (paddling calmly on the surface) from the chickens (the sky is falling!) As some of the others have posted, staying focused to the budgeting process, foregoing frivolous ‘vacations’, or other such wants, will keep us headed in the right direction – financial peace.
March 6, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Sage advice – I’ve cut way back on watching the news, and haven’t opened a retirement portfolio statement in months. With 20 more years to work, I can ride it out and refuse to get upset about it. I am focusing on the joy of playing with my dogs and petting my cats and holding hands with my husband. It’s all free and very soothing.
March 6, 2009 at 7:31 pm
“Start focusing on your own experience, and never mind the crap happening around you.”
This is exactly what I’m trying to do. I’ve noticed I’m a lot happier since I gave up my TV and I don’t know how ‘bad’ things are anymore. Really, truly, I think the worst thing to do is panic. Right now I’m fine, so I will also keep on keepin’ on.
March 6, 2009 at 8:16 pm
When I think about the economy tanking I think of my sweet granny who – like most of our grannies – lived through the great depression. Perhaps it is their advanced age now, but her generation seems to embody values and the appreciation of little things that we’ve largely lost in this culture. If the economy worsens, perhaps despite short-term pain we might be better for it. We might rediscover many of the real joys of life instead of this mad chase for more money, more power and more stuff. We might be forced to do more with less which will be good for our waistlines, our long term financial health and our environment. We might wake up a little bit more to the beauty that surrounds us – the kindness of people, birds singing and children playing. We might think a little more about how other people in the world live and that 35,000 children a day die of hunger-related illnesses on this planet. Every day. Adversity can bring out the best in people. It spurs innovation and striving can bring great joy.
March 6, 2009 at 8:21 pm
A friend of mine just reminded me….
“DON’T PANIC”
(and remember your towel)
*in case you don’t know the reference I recommend Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. A great laugh and stress reliever!!!! (READ IT, so much more fun than the movie)
March 6, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I like this post, K.I.S.S Keep it simple stupid! Too much focus on the negative can really get to you.
Just a few minutes ago, found out that there has been some drama at my work. I only work there two days a week and they can still manage to talk about me. The one girl is my friend and tells me things that the others are saying. Coming from a very negative place, finding out that I am being stabbed to reading this post, is a very drastic change.
Don’t worry about the stress. In the end, everyone is just trying to live their life to the best of their ability. Can anyone be blamed?
March 7, 2009 at 1:22 am
GAIL!
I just wanted to let you know that I think your awesome. I love how blunt you are on your show and just say it as it is. I wish i could be more like that sometimes. Whats the point on walking around the issue that gets you nowhere.
Thanks for being you!
March 7, 2009 at 10:13 am
the morning i turned 50 (4 yrs ago) i woke up laughing.
this was a change from the decade i spent living with an enternal knot in my stomach due in large part to a failing marriage and wiped out finances. (that’s a whole other story)….
but, on that birthday morning, it finally hit me that life was pretty good after all because i had what truly mattered.
March 7, 2009 at 11:11 am
Happy Birthday Diana!!!!
March 7, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Hubby lost his job at the end of January. That sucked, but because we had started the budget sheet and the jars at the end of December, we knew exactly what we could live on. We calculated what his portion of the monthly finances would need to be, and we took the remainder of his severance and put it to debt and are now consumer debt free. We only have his student loans and a budget that can support us for a very long time. For a couple that has been mired in debt for 8 years, this is so exciting!
Yes, life can suck, but when you look at the opportunities that are made out of difficult times, there can be some great things available to us. I’m excited about the future.