Work Life Balance
Posted by Gail | Filed under Balance
In 2003, the New York Times labeled women who chose to leave careers to raise their kids “the Opt-Out Revolution”. According to that Times article, “It’s not just that the workplace has failed women. It is also that women are rejecting the workplace.”
According to the Stats Man, in 1976 only 31.4% of mommies with a child 5 or younger were working, and only 46.4% of mommies with school-aged kids were working. Care to hazard a guess want the numbers are now?
Almost four decades later, the numbers are 67.2 and 79.3% respectively. Seems like stay-at-home moms are a dying breed. But are moms going to work because they want to or because they have to?
I’ve always worked. I always believed I had to be self-sufficient. The idea of not being able to take care of myself, well, it wasn’t even an idea. When I first had my children, I kept working. I took four months of with each of my babies because that’s all I could afford. Longer would have meant debt and that WAS NOT an option.
When I did return to work I chose to hire a nanny rather than using daycare because I worked from home, so when I wasn’t busy I could spend time with my kids. There were lunch-time walks in the park or quickie kisses in passing. And once the kids were in school, every afternoon where it wasn’t freezing, from dismissal at about 3 p.m. until about 4:30, was spent on the school playground, chatting with other moms, eating ice cream (in the summer), and watching the kids play. Miss Sharon, the children’s nanny, would bathe the kids, stick ‘em in their PJs and I was back on duty as mommy at 5 p.m. to wave her goodbye. I was never late for Miss Sharon. If a client tried to insist that I be on duty when I had to be with the kids, I simply said, “I’m sorry, I have another appointment.”
I’m still using that line.
For moms who aren’t self-employed, this isn’t an option. But what if you could have the perfect work/life balance, what would that look like to you? Would you work a five-day week? A three-day week? Would you work longer hours for four days to have a three-day weekend every week? Would you commute just three days a week and work the rest from home?
I was fortunate enough to be the master of my own time. Well, sort of. I did get up at 4 a.m. to write. And I did spend most of the money I earned paying my share of the bills and the kids’ caregiving. But that was a choice I made and I was happy with it. What it meant was that I could have time with the kids when there was time, and I could work when the kids were asleep. (I’m so trained to 4:00 a.m. that it took me a decade to move my wake-up time forward to 5:00 a.m.) I kept my hand in so that when the kids went to school full time, I wasn’t trying to wedge myself back into a career I’d left behind.
According to that old New York Times article, “There is nothing wrong with money or power. But they come at a high price. And lately when women talk about success they use words like satisfaction, balance and sanity.”
Are these the words you use to describe success? Do you feel like your life is in balance? Does the insanity of having to be in too many places at the same time ever reach up and grab you? Is money the main reason you work? Are you satisfied with your life?
February 6, 2013 at 6:05 am
My pets are my kids per se as i can’t have kids and i am single. I wish i had an early moring job so i could finish work by 3 and have Friday off to be with my pets more.
February 6, 2013 at 7:41 am
Balance in life is very important as it’s what gives you enjoyment, satisfaction and sanity. The danger of being a stay at home mom is not being able to support yourself and your children when/if you need to, and many will have to take over that role for one reason or another. It’s important to keep your skills up to date and obtain additional qualifications. Taking yourself out of the work force can be a dangerous thing to do, and depending on a spouse to support you is sticking your head in the sand. You need to always be able to look after yourself and support any children you have.
February 6, 2013 at 8:14 am
I’m glad you mentioned the keys to succeeding at work/life balance – consistency and determination. I work in a high pressure field where “face time” is everything. I have always told my bosses that my children are my priority. That means being home to meet the bus. It means going to their monthly student assemblies and whatever else is going on. I have spent 20 years showing them that as long as the work gets done and done well, location is not so important. If I’m there after hours, people look at their watches, and that’s the way it should be. Sometimes that meant working long after my boys were in bed, but it was a small price to pay for 3:30 to 8:30 being uninterrupted family time for the three of us.
February 6, 2013 at 8:20 am
Women sometimes stay home because of the whole romantic notion of “being there” for the kids. But when the realities of life in 2013 come at you, the financial strain of trying to make it on one income can be devastating. Couples have so many expenses that families of 30 years ago just didn’t have. Cable, cell phones, data plans, home internet alone can take up large percentages of take-home pay. I’m 42, but my parents had NONE of these expenses when we were kids.
I know I am risking some ire here – but I feel this is an important issue for women to consider. Relying on men to provide for you and your kids can weaken both you and your family unit to devastating consequences.
I think that the whole “stay at home” model doesn’t work any more. I understand the huge benefit to “staying at home” when kids are little, but I actually think this has worked against women and weakened their financial positions. First of all, mat leave benefits are a fraction of what we earn. Next, most couples just don’t have the financial sense to cut back when they make this choice – especially when they are used to two incomes on NO kids.
Finally, the legislation has made women feel like they have to take a year off – even if they can’t afford it. The magic year mark is not a giant pause button. It is important to realize when women decide to head back to the workforce after being off for years (which sometimes can take MUCH longer than people think) they have a weaker resume, a bunch of debt to pay off, and have probably let some things go like their insurance, emergency fund, RESPs and savings – those safety net items which are really NOT luxuries.
Now, you have a financially unstable household, mom and dad fighting over money, and kids who only get more expensive as they get older. Going back to work won’t replace the income they’ve lost because they have child care costs on top of everything the minute they leave the house! If they can’t get out of the hole they’ve dug, the tension can break them up.
In an ideal world, women would plan for our kids and the financial costs that come with them. They would protect their earning power. Don’t spend more than the family brings home. Women need to do what they want to do in terms of education and life experience before they create new people who are counting on them.
I took seven months off with my son, and when he was three changed work environments to have more balance. My workdays were usually 12 – 18 hours in a very high pressure job (with high remuneration). I chose less money for more time, which was the right choice for me and my family. I never regret less money because of the experiences I have had being a mom or the changes I made to my spending to keep myself financially stable.
February 6, 2013 at 8:24 am
It’s a tough call, whether to stay at home with the kids or work. Like Linda above says, you’re taking a huge financial risk leaving the work force. How many marriages end in divorce? 50% plus? Then there you are, not eligible for EI, your skills are rusty or completely out of date, and you don’t have any work contacts. However, having one person at home means a more balanced life for the family, because it is a full time job just running a household. I have a couple of friends who manage to run a household on one income, and they’re happy with how things are. He appreciates all that she gets done during the day so that he’s not loaded up on chores in the evening. He especially loves her home cooking. She loves being able to have the time with the kids, and making a home life. To achieve that they forgo a lot of stuff that other people have.
To be honest, I don’t think most women have the option of staying home anymore. Even having a nanny is beyond the reach of the average, middle class family. Personally, I don’t think I’d want to step out of the work force either. I enjoy my job, it’s a big part of my life and I get a lot of satisfaction from it. I guess in that respect I’m really forunate as it doesn’t feel like I have to make a choice, but that I’ve been blessed.
February 6, 2013 at 8:38 am
My sister-in-law made this choice, and she was amazing at it. She kept the house humming, kids cared for and all activities accounted for, cooked at home and any presents and parties they gave were homemade and thoughtful, but not expensive. She was a real role model for staying home. She also was unembarassed by their choices and wasn’t trying to keep up with the Joneses. She created the expectations of what her family was going to be about.
February 6, 2013 at 8:39 am
I stayed home with the kids until last year. I don’t regret it as we were able to comfortably live on my husband’s salary. As life would have it, a few months after going back part-time my husband’s salary took a hit. My working didn’t stop us from having to dip into the emergency fund but it did pay for food during the tough months. I made the decision to get a full time job and now make enought money that during lean months we can get by (barely) on what I make alone. Our goal is to live off hubby’s salary and invest mine – half into home repairs and half into retirement savings. I’m grateful for the time I was able to have at home but we did sacrifice and I have no real career to speak of now. I made fairly good money because I’m educated and speak French. I certainly won’t be getting much of a government pension tho.
February 6, 2013 at 9:03 am
“Cable, cell phones, data plans, home internet” are not necessary even today. They are luxuries that it is quite possible to do without.
Having said that …. I was a stay-at-home mom for 23 years. In total I have worked outside the home about 7 years. My CPP is a pittance but I am grateful for it. I get to sacrifice twice. Fortunately my husband’s pension is sufficent to live on … but there will be no travelling unless he works for it. I have contract work to cover yearly expenses and my hobby.
Now dental care is a luxury because the retirement health insurance doesn’t cover it OR two of my prescriptions.
February 6, 2013 at 9:13 am
I stayed home and raised my 3 kids. It’s a decision I have never regretted. For most of that time I was self-employed – I had a licensed daycare for some years, sold Avon, delivered newspapers, and sometimes held part-time jobs that didn’t impact my family. Sure we never took fancy vacations, drove fancy cars or started out with a fancy big house. Those are the trade-offs. I have great relationships with my kids and never missed any of their growing up. At 55 I have put my Kinesiology degree (that I earned in my 20’s) to work, and have started a new career as a Personal Trainer, self-employed. My husband is also self-employed at home, so I believe we have the best lives – we make a decent income and we have always been there for our kids.
Work-life balance has never been an issue. Our lives are low-stress and happy.
February 6, 2013 at 9:21 am
I raised my kids in a different generation – 1970’s and 1980’s. For the most part I stayed at home with kids and we lived on one income. Anytime that I have worked – mainly part-time- we still lived on one income. In the last few years the largest percentage of my income went into saving for retirement. We have not had any debt for several years now and our mortgage was paid off around 10 years ago I believe and we donate a substantial amount to our church. We are not rich by any means and my husband has had lay-offs and job closures. One downside from me staying home however is that I will receive very little in C.P.P. It all depends on the individual family and what they are comfortable doing I suppose.
February 6, 2013 at 9:27 am
My husband and I made the decision that when our 4 kids were young, one of us would always be at home. For the first 7 years I was there and he was there for the next 3.
I agree that our generation has a slew of expenses that weren’t there for our parents and grandparents. But things like cell phones, data plans and cable are luxuries in our eyes. These are not needs, they are wants for our generation.
We led a lean life for more then those 10 years of one of us being home. But our kids got to enjoy having time with both of us when they were young and needed us the most
February 6, 2013 at 9:28 am
I worked full time when I got pregnant with my first daughter. So I took the 1 year maternity leave, and then returned to work – working LONG hours, etc. She was in daycare during the day. Then my second daughter came along, and my husband and I shared the maternity/paternity time – he loved the ability to stay home too! I went back to work, and found that I was too busy….my husband works shifts, and between that, the young girls, etc. it was TOO much. So we looked at what we were actually making with me working. Between the gas for the car, daycare, etc. my income wasn’t going far enough…it wasn’t worth working to be missing out on family and feeling stressed all the time. So I stopped working and now am a stay at home mom – and love it! As said above – cable, cells, internet ARE NOT have to haves…but even with one income, we have internet and cell phones. We make meals at home, eat out less, enjoy time as a family – plus we have an emergency fund, have RESPs for the girls, save money, and save up for trips. I sell Regal products from home, volunteer at the girls school, and help supervise lunch hours there when needed (for pay). It CAN work….and I resent people who look at me and say, “Oh, you don’t work???” REALLY???? Being a stay at home mom IS A FULL TIME JOB and if you can do it, great! But don’t look down your nose at someone who does! We all make choices….and this is mine!
February 6, 2013 at 9:44 am
Four years ago, I was happily living the stay-at-home life with 2 great kiddies, and another one on the way when the cancer lightening bolt hit my husband. Suddenly, my world changed and I knew I had to protect my kids. While hubby was fighting, I weaseled my way back into a part time teaching job. Wasn’t easy as I had been away for over 11 years but thankfully I still had a lot of connections. Cancer stole my husband almost a year ago but I’m going to let it steal our lives. Teaching full time now and so happy I have the skills to protect my family. I certainly don’t regret the time I stayed at home with my kids but I shudder to think how I would have carried had I not gotten back into the workforce. Think it can’t happen to you? Think again…
February 6, 2013 at 9:58 am
I’m a teacher as well- and one of the benefits of having higher education is the flexibility and options this gives you in employment. I opted out of teaching full time ( I couldn’t do the raising kids and working full time as a teacher- TOO MUCH) But I do work from home as a distance education tutor, I also sub. The result being that I still earn a decent income although nowhere near what I would be if I was full time- with benefits etc… However- we have also protected ourselves- private life insurance, critical illness insurance, spousal RRSPS, maxing RRSPs, savings etc….. I also work at odd hours and odd times- but I am at my kids school for presentations, events- I can take care of the house etc… while my hubby is away due to his incredibly unpredictable and erratic schedule. It works for us. Maybe if hubby had a 9-5 I’d be able to work more/ earn more but as it is….. it works for us.
February 6, 2013 at 10:05 am
I took the year mat leave with both my kids (now almost 10 and
and went back to work full time – some days were tough getting the kids up and out of the house and to daycare early enough to beat the worst of the traffic.. and watching all that money fly out the account each month for childcare- it was the equivalent of my mortgage payment!!! But I could never give up that independence- now I know why
I left my husband last year- and thank god I always worked- I never had to let money affect my decision to leave. So many women are stuck in unhappy marriages but feel they can’t leave because they have no income- no skills- no experience because they gave up their jobs for to stay at home with their kids- (well into school age so its not about being with them when they are little). I have numerous friends who would love to leave but know it would be a financial nightmare. And yes legally the husband has to support and provide $$ but the legal system can take a LONG time to provide any resolution and in the meantime your kids need to eat. And at some point the court expects women to be able to provide for themselves -spousal support runs out..
I knew I could never give up my ability to take care of myself or my kids. I bought my own house after I left my ex and his child support is really pocket money- my salary pays for all my necessities as well as a comfortable life.
You don’t always know what life holds in the future for you…
February 6, 2013 at 10:12 am
Having Internet access at home is definitely a *must have* for my husband and I; our careers depend on it. So, yes, it is an added expense that neither of our parents had to pay when they were young, but is a necessity now.
I’m preparing for my first born (April) and since I’m a part-time worker within the university system, I don’t have the luxury of a paid mat leave, but to be honest, I’m okay with that. I need to work, it’s in my blood. And having a gap on my CV at this point in my career would be ill-advised. I’m applying to teach some correspondence courses (all online) so I can at least work for home while trying to adjust to my new life with baby.
Whatever a mom/family decides is best for them, I will support. Every circumstance is so different, and the war between SAHM and Working Moms is played out.
February 6, 2013 at 10:32 am
Hubby and I are both shift workers (manufacturing and health care) so finding childcare to cover odd day/night hours was cost prohibitive. Hubby makes more than I do, I’m the only one who can breastfeed so I resigned and stayed home. Hubby took the whole parental leave when our second child was born and loved every minute of it.
Yes we had to plan and squeeze every penny for this, we have no cable, no cell phone plans beyond the “I’m stuck in a ditch, come tow me” plan, no eating out (and I mean EVER) and I mend all the clothes to last longer. We pushed to pay off all our debt before our first child was born and it took 4 years to save up the cash to buy a dishwasher.
February 6, 2013 at 10:39 am
Hmm . . . My ideal work/life balance? WInning the lottery and being able to stay home and raise kids. Ok, I guess this is the real world. Eventually I’d like to be able to work part time out of the house and part time from home (possible with the same company, possibly freelancing). But I’m a long ways away from that at the moment.
February 6, 2013 at 10:59 am
My husband and I have decided that we are going to have a child in the future, and that HE is the one who is going to be staying at home until our child is in school. I’m autistic and realize that he is better equipped for the emotional nurturing that a young child requires. I also earn more money than my husband. Finally, I believe that I was born to be an engineer and wouldn’t give up my career for anything.
We both already live off of one income (a great tool for eliminating student debt and saving for the future). Both of us could choose to go back to work, but in my opinion, time is better than money. What is the point of the luxuries (cable and toys) if you are working full time, coming home to cook and clean, and trying to get some “quality time” in with your kids, and don’t have time to sleep let alone watch premium cable? I think our whole family will be happier if my husband and I share the workload (me at work, him a SAHD), and enjoy the simple (free) pleasures in life like going for hikes or going to the library.
February 6, 2013 at 11:11 am
I am a mom of two young kids under 5 and have returned to the workforce after both mat leaves were over. As my husband has had some bad luck in the past on the job front, it would be too scary to have us both out of work. With that being said, I enjoy being at work and truly believe both of my kids excel at daycare as they are put in different situations that you can’t give them at home. I am currently working part-time and this has turned out to be a good fit for us as a family, also a way for me as mom to get some quiet down time for myself with is ever so important as I am sure many of you can relate to. On the side, a way to help cover some additional expenses is that we have taken in an exchange student, and is also win-win for him as he is also experiencing what it is like to have siblings as he is from China. May not be a long term solution, but for interm it works great for us
February 6, 2013 at 11:23 am
I actually LOVE our lives now. Hubby is a special-ed teacher and I work part time as an Accountant. We are both home by the time the kids get off the bus @ 3:30 (well our 3yo goes to pre-school by my job so I get her when I get out at 2pm).
Before this set-up hubby and I made a few scarifices to ensure one if not both were with the kids more than not. When hubby got laid off 6 mos after our youngest was born he took a P/T nite position (doing his second fav activity baking for a posh bakery around where we live from 4-9) and I got my current job which at the time was 9-1. When we looked for jobs we made sure our commutes would not be long so not to spend much on gas. We didn’t have to pay for childcare, one of us was at the bus for the older 2, and during week nites we had late lunch/early dinner before he left for work together. Most weekends were ours (call out/no show hubby was the first they called, they still call him and sometimes just cause he misses it he’ll do 1 or 2 shifts a week).
We live cheaply/frugaly..always have, always will. We reuse, DIY, and accept hand-me-downs with no shame (although our very Jones’ neighbors would probably blush reading that). We live in a condo/apt. that has just enough room for us without paying to heat/cool areas no one visits. It’s in an area where property taxes alone are what we pay in rent & we get all the perks of great, top rated schools, parks & recs. We cook ALL meals at home but will go out for a treat once in a while (which also helps with our weight loss goals). We plan trips/vacays for off seasons (what other industry has a week off in Feb for no reason). This makes living on our incomes (which have now doubled since hubby is back at teaching), saving, and having fun all posible with no debt and no stress. This is time we can’t get back and wanna enjoy. We are thrilled it can be done and without the risk of giving up careers we love and degrees we worked really hard for.
February 6, 2013 at 12:27 pm
I was glad to see a post about the fact that sometimes these decisions are taken out of our hands when life throws a curve ball. Many talk about returning to work because a marriage ended, or sadly, a spouse died. But sometimes the reverse is true.
I never had any intention of leaving the work force. I am a women with a professional degree and was committed to the idea of balance, which for me involved at least working part time. I love my kids by I also value my sanity, and for me, sanity involved having the intellectual stimulation that a career provided. I also felt very strongly about the message that an egalitarian marriage sent to my kids. However, after the birth of a child with profound disabilities it became clear that either my husband or I had to stay home to manage his care. His care was (and is) far too complex to be managed in traditional child care/school structures and full-time nursing ain’t cheap. I was the lower income earner so I left my career. My child’s medical and care needs are steep so we had to choose the earner who would best meet those needs (through salary, benefits, stability etc.).
Fortunately my husband and I were (and are) good with money and we both had excellent jobs. We could live on his income and he had the requisite benefits, income, and job security. We had always lived below our means, so financially the transition was easy. The balance and lifestyle bit for me, not so much. I missed being involved in my career. I missed the independence of earning my own money and having an identity in society outside of the “housewife and mother” role. I worry that my children have grown up seeing a traditional marriage where the woman, despite very high levels of education, assumes caregiving and housework duties while dad (who actually has less education but earns more) leaves with a briefcase.
The conversation is usually directed toward whether women work or “opt-out”. Sometimes life makes that choice far more complicated that it would initially seem.
February 6, 2013 at 1:21 pm
Daisy you make some valid points – I think the rising cost of medical care is a real issue when choosing whether to stay in employment or stay at home. Unfortunately many jobs don’t offer full benefits either .. and many jobs are contract now too.
I also think what’s not mentioned in all this is the rising inequality in Canada with respect to pay (and this was reported in the news this week although few seem to question it) … for many people now, 1 job alone is not enough to make a living on particularly if you want to save for retirement. Just look at minimum wage … how many hours do you have to work to live on it and save on it? As well, factor in the fact that full time permanent jobs are a thing of the past – if both individuals in a couple are working and have permanent jobs then they are really very lucky .. so many jobs are contract now. And then there is the whole part-time thing … a store opened up recently in my city and the newspaper reported that 6 full time and 65 part-time jobs had been created … all those part-time jobs enable an employer to employ someone with few or no benefits.
Of course getting an education can help … but then you face education debt at the end of it. And as for the well paid jobs that education offers – I’m beginning to wonder where they all are. I got a good degree (with a distinction) in social work last year and now I’m looking at jobs that start at 34K for which you have to have your own car – and I’m in my 40’s (not 20’s).
I’m also told that in order to get a good job I now need to get a masters (ie more education expense) … I have friends of a similar age who, despite doing placements, are being told that they haven’t got the right experience … and are now in a catch 22 situation of no experience, no job, no job, no experience … I have no idea what I’m going to end up doing as I’m also dealing with health issues … it seems to me that employers view people as disposable these days – if you haven’t got exactly what they want then forget it, they’re not interested in training you or making accommodations with respect to health and if they can get away with paying you as little as possible with as few benefits as possible then they will. I work for myself a bit but coping with medical costs is difficult – and I think this is going to be more and more of an issue as people age – Canada doesn’t offer much in the way of a health service really in comparison to Europe … I think we’re becoming more and more like the U.S.
February 6, 2013 at 1:27 pm
@ Daisy – one word – Respect.
You are one together-lady with a good husband and a good head on your shoulders. I often talk about how hard life can be, especially to afford the lifestyle my wife, son and I lead – and your post just reminded me of the hand life can really deal you, and how to handle it. Best, Geoff.
February 6, 2013 at 1:37 pm
@ Daisy – how kind of you to share your story. I think you are an example of “lemonade” – where life hands you lemons and you have made the very best of it. If anything, your children are going to see what a leader you are in taking charge of your situation. But I completely empathize with you feeling like you are missing a part of yourself outside of your caregiver role. Try to take some time as often as you can for just you. You certainly deserve it.
Work / life balance has always been a hot topic in the legal community. I found it was important to integrate my work with my life and not see them as separate parts. I always found it hard to be both the consummate professional with a full work life (like my dad) and a great mom with everything running smoothly at home (like my mom). They had 48 hours a day between the two of them, while I was trying to do both with just the 24 hours I had. Sleep was often the loser in that equation.
When I left my law practice, it was just before the era of being available from home, Blackberries, I-Phones, etc. You actually had to be IN the office for your face time.
I would get up at 4:30 am – head to work – bill 2.5 hours – head home – wake up my family – hubby could leave to make an 8 am meeting – get my son off to daycare – walk in the office at 8:50 and have the partners glare at their watches when I walked in as if to say “nice of you to join us”. It was infuriating. When I left that firm, I did so with my head held high because I had repeatedly insisted that they would never be my first priority while my son was young. I said so even in my job interviews, so they knew what they were getting when they took me on.
No one hands you balance – you have to aggressively seek it out and refuse to settle. The kids are totally worth the effort and they are only young once. Having said that I feel it is critical to protect your earning power for the future.
February 6, 2013 at 1:45 pm
I appreciate all the thoughtful comments here. As long as the choice you make is really your choice, and not something you feel pressured to do, then go for it! The one issue that is missing from most of these posts is this: when do men get to have work/family balance? Personally, I feel there are many benefits to having a stay-at-home PARENT for preschool children, but until more men feel as comfortable choosing to take parental leave, then we can’t claim to have a culture that is truly “equal”. I chose to stay home for 5 years and then went back part-time for a few years, and eventually full-time. I’m proud to have raised a son who has in fact taken the parental leave with 2 of his children.
February 6, 2013 at 1:46 pm
See “Cathy MacLellan” comment above.
Having one parent stay at home in many cases does not require the financial sacrifice one would think it does. In many cases it simply requires a mild shift in lifestyle. You would likely be shocked to find out how much working actually costs – likely the lion’s share of y our paycheque after daycare, travel expenses, lunch’s out etc. I saw the math on this years ago by an actuary, and it boiled down to two thing: 1) mild lifestyle changes and 2) stay at home spouse found a way to bring in $5-$10k annually. With those two things, they were financially the same as both working.
Seriously, if you find the thought intriguing, take your take-home income (not your gross) and start subtracting stuff you could get rid of. Second car. Daycare. Meals out and timmies. Maybe some cut on groceries. Clothing. Change your vacation plans a bit. Nothing catastrophic. Then see what you’re left with. I bet it’s about $10K a year. And you can earn 10K a year pretty much tax free – so find a way to replace $10K a year, and one of you can stay at home.
You just have to seriously run the numbers without the preconcieved notion that making $50K a year means you have to replace $50K a year if you quit working outside the home.
February 6, 2013 at 1:48 pm
I feel fortunate to have a great employer. I have a decent salary and lots of flexibility to go along with it. As long I get my work done, my boss doesn’t check in on when I do it. Some of it has to happen during the day (i.e., seeing clients) but other parts (report writing) can be done whenever I can think and type. This is ideal with a small child and a husband who’s job takes him out of town periodically. I love my work-I spent 11 years training after high school to have the privilege of practicing my profession, and I’m not going to stop now! Of course I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day-who doesn’t? My dream is to work either 4 days/week or 5 shorter days (i.e., 9-3) when DH”s business really gets rolling and he can fill in the income I would forgo with such a schedule. That way I can spend more time with my kiddo (and hopefully his sibling one day) get the “life” stuff done (groceries, housekeeping, etc.) and still keep my skills sharp and my connections in place.
February 6, 2013 at 2:25 pm
The Globe and Mail just published this article, discussing legal precedent being set for employers to make accommodations for childcare requests: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/court-says-employers-must-accommodate-staffs-child-care-requests/article8288899/
Possibly representing a shift in expectation?
February 6, 2013 at 2:31 pm
For my husband and I, life balance means not having children. I have every respect for the woman and men around me who put everything of themselves into their careers at work and then into their lives as parents. I love visiting with their families, there’s nothing like the sweetness of a child’s unguarded affections when they see you at the door. I have just come to discover that over the years I value the quiet solitude and peace I come home to, especially after a particularly trying day.
I also look at my own mother who stayed home to raise the four of us and cringe to think what she would do if my dad lost his job or something terrible happened to him. As I look ahead into the future I feel that a time will come when she will need my financial support and children I will be in a better situation to provide for her.
Finally, and I realize that this may sound selfish of me, I worked very hard to get my degree and follow a path of financial independence. I am not keen to give that up to raise a family.
February 6, 2013 at 2:40 pm
Interesting…
I noticed most of the people who have commented saying that they stayed at home or switched to part time. Instead of working full time.
I had this conversation with my friend just last night. She works from home and the kids are in daycare. The cost is worth it to give her peace at home for work. It is high stress job. She just knows the kids will be screaming in the background. She does not feel deprived of her children at all.
I know if we were to have children I would most definitely keep working. I would NOT enjoy staying home (I have had experience with this by playing nanny for a year to help my sister out).
I would make the commitment to have my mom-in-law move in for childcare (she would be willing) or nanny/au pair or daycare. Which ever option would be best at the time.
We currently live approx. on 1 income, the other we use for debt/savings. So either one of us could stay home. Not likely to happen.
February 6, 2013 at 2:41 pm
I am with all the people here who fear that gap on their resume and loss of future earning potential for taking a lot of time off with kids. I know it’s valuable and doable for one parent to stay home in many cases, but it also feels really scary and risky. My father died suddenly and my mom had to work full-time and it was so much easier because she hadn’t been out too long.
So, yes, there’s the reduced stress of not having to balance two major responsibilities, but the stress of “what if” can sometimes be worse. I know it just depends on the person/family/situation.
The other thing is, many of us wind up taking time off to care for elderly people later. So again, less time in the workforce, fewer pension contributions, less ability to save for retirement … It’s certainly valuable to help out your family, but would be nice if nurses and homecare workers could be funded too!
February 6, 2013 at 2:48 pm
I look forward to the day when choosing to have one parent at home, means it’s as likely to be the dad as the mom. The common thread through many of the comments is sadly “I eaned less than my husband, so it made sense for me to stay home”. Wouldn’t it be better if the most suitable person for the job stayed home? Or the one in need of a break from their career? Or the one whose career could most easily be resumed after a break? Personally I took the maximum maternity leave allowed at the time 6mths for my first and 1yr for the second. Then I went straight back to work. One of us would do the daycare run and the other used the extra time to do an extra chore before work, or hurry home to start dinner. When two people have a child ideally there are two parents and both people contribute 110%. It doesn’t have to be financially but for us that worked best. I have always enjoyed my career, but if I won the lottery I’d quit 5 minutes later. Likewise I know my DH is far more patient which is great with small kids, unfortunately there wasn’t paternity leave with our first, and by the time we had our second his job just wouldn’t have accomodated an extended leave. I did the maternity leave and enjoyed my baby time, but I was glad to get back to work. I know I’m better with older kids and teens, who would frustrate him endlessly. We all have different strengths and shortcomings. Initially my return to work was partially a financial consideration, but mostly I’d grown up in a home where both my parents worked and that was just normal. My DH grew up in a house that resembled an episode of Leave it to Beaver. His Dad went to work and his mom baked bread. Literally. I’m sure they thought our marriage was odd. They ask endless questions about his work, but barely mentioned mine. They thought it was nice how I was so keen to help out with the family finances. There seemed to be no recognition that I was more highly educated than their son or made the same salary. I’m sure they thought I’d stop working once we had children. After nearly 30yrs I often wonder if they are still wishing I would come to my senses and stay home and take care of their 50+ year old baby. Over the years I can’t tell you how often I heard “aren’t you lucky he does so much cooking!” For the first few years I let it slide. They really are lovely people, just very different from me. But after a while it really can bug you. When I’d still hear those comments after the first decade of our marriage, I’d occasionally comment that he was really lucky I did so much laundry. Dead air would follow. Yup I’m a smart a$$. I couldn’t help myself sometimes!
BTW-as several commenters have mentioned, there is also the issue of maintaining your selfsufficiency and financial independence. I personally need to know that should there be a death/divorce, that I could carry on just fine financially. I have three friends who have divorced in the past few years. Two were homemakers (kids are now 20/22 so I really can’t call them stay at home moms anymore) and the other had recently returned to a low paying secretarial position after 20 years at home. In all cases they were in limbo for a year or more, while the terms of the divorces were worked out. They couldn’t buy homes because they didn’t know how much they’d get and if they’d get any alimony. None had top notch work skills because they’d been out of the workforce too long. One had even given up her military career and pension to stay home. She could have been retiring now on a full pension, but instead is struggling to find a minimum wage job and coming to terms with living a very different lifestyle.
February 6, 2013 at 3:28 pm
Very timely post for me. I just came back to work three ago after ten months on parental leave. My husband is taking the last two months ….
I knew I had to go back to work for two reasons: 1) I am not meant to just be a mom … I didnt find enough satisfaction in it and 2) I make more than my husband.
At this moment in time I feel like a do have balance. I know that further into being back to work I will probably wish I only worked four days a week. I am fortunate to have four weeks of vacation a year and two weeks of personal/sick time as well so I plan to give myself a lot of long weekends and we also plan on hiring a housekeeper so that the time at home can be spent enjoying one anothers company. Balance is, in my opinion, is a very hard thing to achieve. I know quite a few stay at home moms who long for more … more adult time, more me time, to have a career etc. and working moms who long for more time with their kids.
I think in this generation two incomes is quite necessary for most people unless one makes quite a large sum. For us it is and we have a modest home and two used cars both paid off and no debt to speak of. To live comfortably and save money for emergencies, retirement and our sons education we both have to work. If one of us stayed home all savings would have to be cut to make it work.
I don’t feel expenses vs. income is in the same ratio today as it was in my parents age. My dad always says how their first home was the same amount as his yearly salary …. that doesn’t exist nowadays.
February 6, 2013 at 3:46 pm
I think that those women who are able to stay home are blessed. If i had planned better and saved more for motherhood i would stay home as well. Will likely go down to 4 days a week as soon as possible. I am well educated and love my career but you cant get these years back. I never want my child to think that my career ambition was more important.
February 6, 2013 at 5:08 pm
Both of my parents always worked – they were shift workers and worked opposite shifts so someone could always be home with us. My mother told me that I should not depend on someone else to support me, that I would be one husband away from financial disaster, and I took that to heart.
Also, I am like Michelle who posted above – I need lots of solitude and time for myself, so I chose not to have children. It was the right choice for me (I am in my 40’s now and still happy with my choice).
February 6, 2013 at 5:54 pm
The previous generation usually had only one parent working outside the home.
They also relied on company pensions for retirement, so there weren’t RRSP contributions.
Most kids didn’t go to college or university, so there weren’t RESP contributions.
Most siblings shared a bedroom, so houses were smaller and so was the mortgage.
Most vehicles didn’t need to pass a safety or environmental inspection, so they were driven into the ground, were often old and worn out, and there was only one per household.
Most meals were simple and filling, often with little awareness of food groups, servings, cholesterol, etc. We ate lots of carbs and fat and lots of simple, non-exotic food. We almost never ate in a restaurant.
household budgets now reflect choices but also reflect a higher expectation for quality of life.
February 6, 2013 at 6:34 pm
I think the point is, it’s a choice. And each choice you make has positive and negatives. And, it means making further choices. If you choose to stay home full-time, then that may mean sacrificing a housekeeper, a 2nd car, name brand clothing, trips, etc. If you choose to continue working, then it may mean paying child care and finding decent care, being more organized, and making your family time really count. But, you don’t get to complain about the choice you made. Because most people can’t have it all.
I chose to go back to work. I needed it. I needed adult company. I live in the country (a choice we made), and so I chose to go back to work. Compromise is that I get my summers off, and I get great time with my kids, and not have to worry how my kids will keep themselves occupied when they’re too old for daycare. Sacrifice is, that I don’t get paid for those months. But I can’t complain about that choice I made.
February 6, 2013 at 6:45 pm
@ Kelly: Just read your comment… I beg to differ with your comment, “household budgets now reflect choices but also reflect a higher expectation for quality of life”… Do you really think that those choices reflect a higher quality of life? Not sharing a room with a sibling is better? Having a bigger house shows a want for higher quality? I’ve looked in our local lottery homes, apparently worth over a million bucks. Look closely. There is shoddy workmanship in those houses. Even cosmetically, little time or care put into it. Look at the central vac outlets, electrical outlets and phone jacks. They are not uniform distance above the floor. It would take a few extra seconds to make everything even. Gosh no. As for food quality, Kraft Dinner, Campbell’s soup, etc, all have ingredients now that they didn’t in our day. Vegetables came from our gardens. Fruits were local. Cheese was an extravagance. Powdered skim milk was cheaper. Bread and muffins and cookies were home made. So were meals. No M&M meat shops with high sodium. Foods were lower in fat and sodium and preservatives and other chemicals. Clothing was more expensive, but it was better quality and made in the country you lived in. Oh yes, our quality of living is much higher.
February 6, 2013 at 7:32 pm
I agree that it’s any woman’s choice whether to stay home or to work but I think a lot of people here are turning a blind eye to the fact that the husband’s salary, which you have decided to live on so that you can be home with your kids, can disappear with no warning. As mentioned above, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Don’t think for one minute it can’t happen to you. Then there is illness, injury, unemployment and death. Again, don’t think it can’t happen to you. Be sure that you are able to support yourself and your children, if need be.
February 6, 2013 at 9:20 pm
Yes I’m one of the women Blaze mentions re: being in limbo, sorting out a legal separation and divorce. And yes, you do pay a very high price with respect to career prospects – I don’t have kids but I moved country for my husband’s job and now starting over again things are not looking good (in spite of the degree that I got as I mentioned in an earlier post). And minimum wage is a joke. Maybe you can live on 1 salary if you are a couple but living on one’s own and managing on minimum wage is impossible unless you work all the time and don’t sleep … I’m hoping that I can find a reasonable (ie 40k) job this year.
But isn’t it sad that we’ve become a society where we can’t trust that relationships will work out anymore and so as women the only option to be 100% certain we won’t end up in the financial hole is not to give up work? … what gets lost as a society in all that? I’m not saying I would like all women to go back to being at home with no choice but when women are penalised by employers so much if they take time out from their work to raise kids what does that say about society in 2012? Why is having a family life/home life still seen as incompatible with running a business? I don’t believe that it should be – it’s just the way that it’s been framed by big business.
@Kelly – I also dispute the whole higher expectations thing re: today’s couple’s/families. I’m not saying that all couples live realistically but I think people end up paying more for food and other things because they are rushed trying to squeeze home life into a work life that demands more and more.
In fact, one of the things I’m struck by in these posts is how hard it is for women (and men) who parent to achieve life balance … to find companies that will accommodate them. It’s 2012 and we’re still facing this? I’m not a parent but I think that parents need much more support in being parents because at the end of the day if people stop having kids because it requires too much financial sacrifice then we as a society will be poorer for it .. todays kids are tomorrows doctors, nurses etc (that’s assuming they can afford the education costs).
February 6, 2013 at 9:45 pm
@ life insurance – it’s not just about the math. If my wife had stopped working for the last 5 years, it would have been very hard for her to re-enter the work force at some point as the people she managed 5 years ago would have been promoted, received training, done more things with their careers while she was at home. It would have been difficult for her emotionally to go back to work 5 years later and be managed by the people she might have hired.
If you have a career that can accept a ‘pause’ – like say doctor, teacher, plumber, etc (and even those are arguable) it might make sense to stop working and stop paying daycare. But for those of us in the corporate world it would be extremely difficult to explain a gap like that. And lastly house prices in this city (Toronto) make it difficult to swing on just one income.
February 7, 2013 at 11:11 am
Cas,
I think the higher quality of life that is reflected has to do with saving for retirement and saving for children’s higher education, spending money on maintaining vehicles so they aren`t polluting the environment and dangerous on the road. I don`t remember anyone in my extended family who bought snow tires, but it is now a requirement by most (if not all) insurance companies.
For the record, my family takes a great deal of pride from preparing home cooked meals from scratch and taking regular family holidays that consist of living out of a tent for a week or two. I agree whole-heartedly that convenience foods are hardly a reflection of higher quality living. Perhaps I got carried away with my enthusiasm that they are perceived to be “better”.
another point I wanted to add is that, for better or for worse, couples tended to stay together until “death they do part” in previous generations. I know a great many couples who benefitted greatly from ending an unhealthy relationship, but it does add a HUGE financial burden for the same 2 individuals to maintain 2 households instead of only one.
February 7, 2013 at 11:40 am
Kelly I think you are bang on
As for us we have 2 kids under 5. I work full time in a professional position that allows good benefits, vacation time an salary. I work 8-4 so although my kids go to daycare I can pick them up and drop them off at a reasonable hour and we have our evenings together. My husband had a longer commute and we decided that 1 of us always has to be close and available for our kids. Some of our choices like buying a bigger house I know make me ‘have’ to work, but really in our area 2 incomes is very necessary for the kind of like we want to provide for our family. Sure there are days when I wake the kids early I feel guilty or when someo e is sick the scramble to make sure they can stay home is really tough and on those days I question our choices. But I think whether you work or stay home as long as your kids are raised with their best interests at heart and have loving and supportive parents that’s all that matters
In a perfect world I would like to work 3-4 days to allow myself more opportunity to be involved in my kids school that is the one thing I struggle with
February 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm
@ Kelly: you do realize that a. Depending on where you live will decide whether you need an e-test for your car or not. B. vehicles manufactured before 1988 do not require a test. So, you can still buy an old clunker, breathe in those fuels and not have to pass an e-test.
Also, many parents when I was growing up, believed in paying off the mortgage ASAP and not accumulating debt. Today, many are retiring in debt. Having RRSPs means little then. Same as RESPs. It only looks like a better quality life. I’m not saying all, but many are walking down paths that are not healthier, richer or better.
February 7, 2013 at 11:03 pm
As of yet, I’ve not been asked if my vehicle has snow tires by my insurance company. And, we’ve recently changed. Many vehicles used to be standard; much better control over your vehicle in winter conditions.
February 8, 2013 at 1:12 am
At the end of the day, we should be working to provide for our families and shouldn’t sacrifice family for work. That being said, I don’t think it have ot be just women who stay at home with children, and both men and women need work/life/family balance.
February 8, 2013 at 12:28 pm
I am a work from home mom, while my Hubby works full time out of the house. I take in clothes to mend, sew new garments and I also re-purpose clothes I find in Thrift stores, and re-sell them with a consignment shop. My DD is going on 12. We made the choice together that when we had kids, I would stay home, because we didn’t like the idea of daycare. We wanted our values passed on to our daughter, not someone else’s. That was our choice, and we made sacrifices to make it work-especially for the first 2 years, where I didn’t work from home.
What brought me to my current position was observing other Moms at playgroups, meet-ups, and later school, being frustrated with their business wardrobes, and the costs. So, I spoke up and said that I have skills in sewing and, for a small fee, would be willing to do alterations or mending for them. I also pointed out that they could invest in a couple of well tailored outfits-done by me of course!-that could bring new life to an old wardrobe. In short, I saw a niche market that needed to be filled, and I jumped into it.
So, now, if I choose to go back to a work out of the home job, there is no gap in my resume, because I have been employed steadily for the past 9 years…and by the same token, if one doesn’t want to stay home with their kids because they are worried about resume gaps, there are simple ways around that! Once the kids are in school, volunteer! Most schools are begging for more parent volunteers, and would love to have someone step up and come in…add to that there are lunch programs that can use extra help-our school has paid lunch program positions, so there is a chance to earn extra $ there…Volunteer experience *is* good experience, that many employers look at.
In the end though, each family has to decide what’s right for them. Just because one way works for me, doesn’t mean it will work for someone else.
February 8, 2013 at 2:43 pm
I’ve done it all: working, working from home, and being a stay-at-home mom. Usually I’m a WAHM. Let me tell you, I find being a SAHM or a WAHM to be MUCH harder work for (usually) a lot less pay, but I often choose it because it is what my family needs. On the same token, my family also needs me to be healthy, and when my mental state (I have always struggled on and off with Depression) dictates that I need to be out of the house more, I go back to my part-time job at Starbucks.
I do fell successful in all of this, actually. Whatever the current circumstances of my work life, so long as my family’s needs are being met, I’m happy.
I see my ability to be independent as a separate issue from that of whether I am currently earning an income. I *know* that I am capable of earning the kind of income that could support us/me when the crapola hits the fan: Creativity and resourcefulness are my tools, not my current position (paid or unpaid).
February 9, 2013 at 10:33 am
When my son was born I took the full year mat leave. Then I returned to work part-time. Hubby worked shift work. Thankfully my MIL looked after our son on the days I worked for a reasonable pay and I knew he was the best of hands. I worked 3, 9 hour days. It worked well for us. When he was 4 he went to daycare full time. He loved it. The structure, learning, and social interactions were excellent for him. At the same time as he was entering daycare, I had to return to work fulltime because hubby was not only laid off from his well paying career, but he was diagnosed with an untreatable eye disease that means he can no longer drive or work in him field. He did retraining but could not find work anywhere. He struggled to even get an interview. Going from a tradesman for 20+ years to looking for office work was difficult. The only jobs he seemed to get a chance at were not safe for him to do with patchy vision. So now hubble is a stay at home parent and I work fulltime. Its been very stressful for me to become the primary income earner. I had worked very hard to climb the ladder and I’m not done yet. Fortunately I love my career. Hubbie has fought depression and struggle with facing loading his vision and does not enjoy being home. Thankfully he qualified for CPP Disability benefits and since he had good earnings his benefit amount is higher than a lot of people receive.
It is hard when our son says “mommy I wish you were home when I got home from school” but I remind him that he is lucky to have his dad home and we still spend a lot of time together. I go to his school functions etc.
Like Gail says, its about finding a balance. Our situation is far from ideal, but I am lucky to have my husband and son. Lucky to make a fair income and be able to have a nice home. We don’t go on vacations and I will be driving my car to the ground but I’m okay with that.
I have to agree with Kelly about the extra costs. Coming from a family where my parents were very young parents without educations, it is important to me to help my son with is education by contributing to an RESP. We have life, disability and critical illness insurance, I had an RRSP and bubble now has an RDSP. Its tough to make the money spread and my accounts certainly are not maxed, but we are doing the best we can. I don’t want to be a burden to our son later on, and if we are faced with another health crisis or death then we need to be prepared.
February 10, 2013 at 12:11 am
I’m currently trying to figure out what the perfect scenario looks like for me and if I can make it happen. My amazing boss has asked me to come back, and agreed to help me figure out a part time schedule IF I will take my Canadian Securities Course when I return. Seems fair … I love that more and more women are becoming entrepreneurs to be home with the kids more and establish their own identity and have some power over their lives. Great post, gotta go find that whole article!
February 10, 2013 at 7:45 am
Hello. I have been on both sides of this. Unfortunately, some of us have no choice but to work. And, for some it is still difficult with both parents working. There are no easy answers, but just making certain your children are properly cared for is the first and most important priority.
For working moms, it would be nice if companies were more compatible and promoted family-friendly environment. I had to leave work last week as my son got sick at school. The next day my manager tells me that was unacceptable. So, what should I have done, leave my son sick at school? NOT! The work place needs to become a little more flexible. We give them over 40 hours a week, then can give us a few hours back here and there when we need it.
Thanks, Gail, for your wonderful online tools! I use your budget worksheet and it helps us tremendously!! You are wonderful!!!
February 11, 2013 at 9:33 pm
To me, it’s all about sacrifice. I am a stay at home mom. I don’t have a new car, new clothes, travel etc…but I am happy that way. I have experienced all of my children’s milestones. That is something wonderful..no pay cheque will give me that happiness. It’s precious time that you only get once.
February 15, 2013 at 7:26 pm
Finding the balance between work and life, especially with kids can be tough, even when it’s at its easiest times! Many kudos to those of you that can handle the balance. It’s great to see so many employers getting in assisting their employees in finding that balance.