Plan Your Funeral
Posted by Gail | Filed under Smart Shopper, Take Control
The last thing you want your family to have to do when they hear of your ultimate demise is go shopping. What could be more difficult that trying to pick out the right coffin, urn, whatever while also figuring out how to cope with your absence?
The average cost of a funeral runs to about $6,500, but you can save a bit of money if you plan ahead and follow some basic rules.
Rule #1: Treat the purchase of your funeral arrangements exactly the same as any other major purchase you make. Figure out what you really want and then shop around for the best price.
Rule #2: Know that burying you will cost way more than turning you to dust. Between the box you must buy and the ground you must purchase, traditional burials are far more expensive than cremation. Baking you will take your $6,500 price tag down to about $1,000.
Rule #3: Skip the embalming. It’s not a requirement as long as you get planted nice and quickly. Don’t get talked into this.
Rule #4: Shop online. I’m not sure how happy I’d be to use a casket as a coffee table, but there are folks who shop online and buy their caskets ahead of time for up to half the price.
Rule #5: Nix-nay the flowers. People like to decorate their death parties with living things but funeral bouquets can get expensive. If well-wishers send flowers to the funeral home, take those with you to wherever you’re having the service.
Rule #6: Skip the burial outfit. Yup, some funeral homes offer to provide spiffy duds for the special day. Take a pass. Pick out what you want to be buried in ahead of time so your family doesn’t have to make the decision.
For the cheapest of all, donate yourself to science. Many donation organizations offer free cremation when you donate your body. And what would be better than knowing that even in death you’re doing a good thing.
October 18, 2012 at 7:00 am
This is hitting close to home for me. Just been through 3 close family deaths in less than a year (2 in last 6 weeks or so). None of the services planned. Actually cost more like 11-140000- included lots of extras though- (flowers, limousine service, etc.) Actually I believe we had to sign something about it being law to embalm (maybe because we had visitation). We dealt with 2 funeral homes. One had very poor service (after we gave them the cheque of course) and one had the best service that you could imagine-every detail taken care of, comforting, very professional, respectful etc. We have no regrets, but it would have been easier for the family to have had the funerals pre-planned. I still believe in funerals. I find it so sad when I read – no service, cremation has taken place. The funeral is for the family and it is part of the grieving process – I believe anyway.
October 18, 2012 at 7:06 am
I agree that this is something very important to take care of. But it’s surprising how some people don’t even want to think about it. My grandparents are in their 80’s and my grandmother made all of their funeral arrangments a couple of years ago. When she was telling about it my father didn’t want to hear anything about it. I realize that it’s not pleasant to think about someone you love passing away but it needs to be done and it’s important that others know about the arrangements you have made.
October 18, 2012 at 8:25 am
My Great Grandfather passed away last Christmas and it was then we found out he had everything planned and paid for. Even carved himself an urn out of wood for himself. Took all the guess work out and made the grieving process easier. I wish we could still wake in the house. My father wants a home wake (the traditional Newfoundland way) but they are not allowed to happen anymore.
October 18, 2012 at 9:02 am
What a great topic! I love that no matter how one lived one’s life (disorganized; financially a disaster!), they can leave this Earth organized, sorted out and paid up.
When I lost my best friend many years ago, it was up to me, his mother, and another friend (we all lived in 3 different cities and our friend was from another country) to wade through this. I learned a lot. We ended up making decisions about his death and burial that he may not have agreed to (this had never been formalized in writing by him) but were in-line with his mother’s religious beliefs.
After that experience, I vowed that no one would go through that with me.
My grandmother and her siblings have all been practical in the matters of their death and they have all purchased their funeral plans well in advance. When my grandmother was alive, she would review these plans with family members so there would be no confusion. She even picked out her funeral dress. The dress was a lovely gown vintage 1940. I remarked one day how beautiful it was and that I had never seen her wear it, “Well, when I meet my Lord, I want to look my best. This is a special occasion, after all!”. And then when I saw the shoes, clean and sturdy, and nothing you’d wear with a gown, she also regarded, “It could be a long journey to get where I’m going; I need to be comfortable!”. In what would become her last year with us, she had us take her to the funeral home so she could review her final decisions and see where she’d rest and she even had suggestions for the reception afterward. All of this planning was great comfort to my grieving family and despite her advanced age and illness, we were not emotionally prepared for her passing.
Fast forward a few years, and one of her sisters passed just this last summer. Again, all was organized well in advance and not a burden to her family.
We’re facing challenges with similar plans with my husband’s family. Both my husband and I are military so each time we head off for a tour (it seems to be one of us is gone every second year), we need to review these matters. My husband is clear he wants to be cremated. This is not being received well by his mother, who for her religious beliefs, disagrees.
At the same time though, her husband who is in rapidly failing health, sat down with my husand and I during a recent family visit, to go over his end of life plans so no details are missed. He is greatly concerned with taking care of his wife (my mother-in-law) in his passing and we appreciated getting a heads-up to his wishes as again, I’m sure we’ll be in great grief at his passing, despite that we can see it coming.
My mother, who is currently battling cancer, made sure she reviewed her wishes with my brother and I recently. Interestingly, her and my father have very different end of life plans (her – cremation, no service) (him – full-on religious service and burial) and they’re okay with that and by extension, so are we.
I’d much rather discuss all this with the living when they’re alive and well.
October 18, 2012 at 9:25 am
Preplanning is a good thing. For me, mostly, because it reduces stress for the remaining family members. We opted for traditional burial with a twist..we paid for a stacking plot. Our stone is already engraved except for date of death (of course) and our funeral home arrangements are all made and paid for with one exception…we paid for a little extra in case our daughter wants things doen a little differently for the last man standing. We have requested no viewing, no service, no embalming. This is our wish. However, last services to the body are really not for the deceased so we have no problem with her making some last minute changes.
October 18, 2012 at 9:28 am
I’ve seen this from all sides in my family. My mother-in-law passed away suddenly with nothing planned and my poor father-in-law ended up paying over $12,000. Emotions run high when you make these kinds of decisions and even with myself, my husband and his brother there to help, my father-in-law got a lot of extras that weren’t necessarily needed. My grand-mother-in-law has the whole event planned and paid for and has for sometime. She’s 85 now and wanted to make sure no one had to stress out over the event. While my hubby and I don’t have it planned out we’ve discussed it. We are both organ donors, and I know he wants to be in the ground (NOT cremated – no way) and I am okay with that (he wants us together), and we both want cheap caskets with not extras (go pine box!). My mother is the other one who wants to go the medical donation route. I found the local schools that do it for her and had them send her information. So now she can decide where she wants to go to and we all know this is what she wants.
I think the main thing is to talk about it in advance and KNOW what the others want. At 28/33 my husband and I don’t want to pay for it yet, but we know enough that we could do it without fear of doing something wrong, and having gone through it all once already we have been able to have really in depth talks about it all.
October 18, 2012 at 9:36 am
I have a slightly different view… I think that a funeral service is for the living that are left… I’m dead I don’t really care what’s happening really. My family have all moved away from the city we grew up in…. spread out all over.
I appreciate the concept of taking the burden off of the loved ones by planning it out… but find the details kind of stunt any preplanning.
First off…. where do I want the funeral service? If I were to be buried, what town would I be buried in? If I were cremated, who would get the ashes?
I have a bf I’ve been with for 13 years, last 9 living together… he hates the city I live in (toronto) —
This piece has inspired me to write a few things down for my relatives… but honestly, I don’t know where I want my final resting place to be… so I don’t want to tie anyone’s hands that might have some sort of comfort from having me close…
In the end, I’m not the one who cares…
October 18, 2012 at 9:42 am
I am 45 and would love to pre plan my arrangements. Unfortunately, this occasion is not for me to decide. I have 2 daughters who are 7 and 11. I would rather be cremated and scattered over various places that I love, but if I should die suddenly, I’m not sure that they would want their mother burned up. It isn’t something I’m going to discuss with them anytime soon either. So ultimately it will be my daughters’ decision with my brother helping to guide them. Not at all what I want.
I would want no embalming, one visitation, lots of flowers (not glads, or roses), cremation, and a very quiet private service with family only. A party later for friends.
October 18, 2012 at 9:55 am
Great post Gail. I have been thinking about this lately myself. My parents, although both in great health, are both in their 70’s. No funeral arrangements whatsoever, and, due to poor money habits, no money to pay for said arrangements.
My sister, who is even more of a nightmare when it comes to money, I know will also not be able to contribute. Soooooooooooooo, that pretty much leaves me to foot the bill. Fortunately, I have heard both of my parents say that they are fine with cremation, which will save on costs BIG TIME!
Not a subject that I enjoy thinking about, but, unfortunately it is inevitable.
As for myself, I wouldn’t want to put a $10-14 000 cost on any of my loved ones. Especially during their time of mourning.
October 18, 2012 at 10:55 am
We too went through this 5 years ago when my father passed rather suddenly. My parents had discussed details many years before, though no arrangements had been made. We had a very short time to research options, and even with cremation the funeral home route was more expensive than my mother could afford (she was determined to pay for it all herself and not burden her kids). She found a wonderful service that does basic arrangements, same urns as funeral homes for a fraction of the cost, everything very simple, which suited us all perfectly. They made it easy for my mom.
As it was, we had a visitation for family and friends in the church hall, with the urn and a picture of my dad beside. It reminded me of a home wake. There was still a full religious burial.
So, for those who want it simple, there are alternatives to using funeral homes.
October 18, 2012 at 11:11 am
I am a licenced funeral director and there are some myths in the responses I have read. Yes a home visitation is still an option. M-power if you are being told different this a lie. It is you beloved and your choice where to hold such events for your peace of mind not a funeral directors. Of course this is all relative to where you live (own home, condo, apartment- then you are speaking of logistics). Technically in province of Ontario you are only required a funeral directors signature on a statement of death and nothing else is required from them. You can build a casket/coffin out of presswood and arrange a direct cremation with a crematorium. For the cremation you are required to obtain a burial certificate from the city and you pay the crematory for their services. They will call you to collect rcremains at later date. If you are having visitation however embalming is required for health reasons. I personally feel a funeral is for the living however having said this spending a fortune on one is NOT necessary at all. Gail is correct you can shop online for a casket and get them at almost cost. The average funeral home gets a minimal of a 200% mark up on a casket alone. Im sorry but that is robbery. And $500 admin cost??? Why pay 5k for a casket you plan to put in burn unit- rent the casket, yes this is offered. WHen you are being told that a casket is water and air tight please remember this is ABOVE ground so the warranty is no good and really are you going to check? Unfortunately I will have to face burying my parents in not too distant future (hopefully not too soon though) and 10K is not in budget for each one. They are aware of my intentions and being licensed director I do not require a directors services. A little research before you NEED it you can get just about anything on the cheap. Its a sad day when your loved one is being played like a engine in your car however that is “progress” for you. Stick to the basics.
October 18, 2012 at 11:53 am
I personally have made my wishes clear: (1) I want a wake not a service, and I’m fine with being donated and carved open like a chicken. (2) Nobody who didn’t know me gets to make a speech at my wake. (3) Everybody who speaks says one good thing and one thing that I did that drove them nuts.
October 18, 2012 at 11:56 am
Hi Everyone,
My husband passed away several years ago from cancer at a very young age. We made lots of decisions ahead of time, and it was a real relief to me when there was so much to deal with all at once. I was amazed at how much had to be decided so quickly. I have now started saving up for my funeral, even though I am only in my fourty’s – I don’t want my children to have to deal with this when the time comes. I have also written down instructions on what I would like for the service,etc. It feels like a relief to me to have this dealt with.
October 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Science will not just take any old body so don’t not plan your funeral because you’re going to “donate to science”. Check with the local university to see if you’ll meet the requirements when you kick it.
Are there different rules for funeral options if you’re an organ donor?
I want a plot and a headstone so future generations will know I existed (I’m going to have a cool epitaph too) but if anyone spends more than the basic amount for that I’ll haunt them.
October 18, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Hope I’m not breaking any of Gail’s rules, but, here is a link to a place that I have researched. Seems reasonable enough.
http://www.ontariocremationservices.ca/fees.htm
October 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm
It is amazing how differently people feel about their final arrangements. I want to be buried in the same cemetery where my parents and six previous generations of my mum’s family are buried. My sister could care less about that, and is planning on giving her body to be studied. We know from our great aunt’s having done this, that a year later the bodies used in the last year are cremated and there is a private joint ceremony for the immediate families.
I find it difficult when there is no ceremony or wake of any kind. That gives no chance to say good bye. And for people with a large extended family, it is often the only time that cousins and their offspring can share their stories. I don’t think you have to spend a fortune, but I also don’t think the bottom line should be all about the dollar in this case.
October 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I am an organ donor. I never thought donating my body to science would be an option for me, until recently. Last December by grandfather passed away. He had donated his body to science. If felt a little strange at first not having a body or ashes to grieve with, but on the other hand I’ve never felt it provided ‘closure’ to look at a dead body either. We waited until St Patrick’s Day to have a memorial service for him so that family would not have to travel in snow conditions. Waiting 3 months was hard on my grandmother (her idea) and the rest of us. However, that being said, we had a lovely service and all the family was able to be there for it. I gave the hardest speech of my life presenting my grandfather eulogy, but I wanted to do it for him. We had a church service which involved a donation to the church, the organist and paid for use of the hall. We bought food and family & friends made trays of food also. I ordered a kit on-line to make the memorial pamphlets and we bought a few pots of mums with an enlarged photo of him. It was nice, simple and the way granddad would have wanted. After the service we gathered at my grandparent’s home with the immediate family. The one advantage of waiting til spring for the memorial was that we were ready to enjoy the time together as a family and were able to smile as we talked about Grandfather.
When it comes to donating the body to science, we have the option of receiving granddad’s cremated remains or he can be buried in a group plot which honours those who have donated to science. It can take 1-3 years before we have him back. At that time, we spread some ashes and bury some.
As for my own wishes, cremation and a memorial/wake is what I would want with my ashes spread in my favourite place. I use to think that I would want a visitation with body for the sake of my child if I died young but I have explained to him what happened to our grandfather and he was there for the service, grieving etc. I think he would be fine with cremation.
As for pre-planning funerals, my great-grandmother pre-paid/planned her own just before the GST came into effect so she could save the taxes!
Also keep in mind that pre-planning your funeral is protected. You don’t have to commit to a specific funeral company or location. The funds are insured so that should a company go out of business, your ‘investment’ is not lost.
October 18, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I worked at a law office for many years and as crazy a it sounds, our estate clerk was involved in trying to find a university that would accept the gentleman’s body. It seems the timing was bad and there was not a need at that time. The body ended up being transported to a university in the States and the family had to pay all the costs to get it there and it was not inexpensive. We felt so bad for the family as they wanted to honour his wishes but it was a chore and a half to find someone to accept the body.
October 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Interesting point about science not wanting the body. However, hard to plan for. I’m not planning on leaving my family destitute anyway so if they have to shell out some coin to bbq me, I’m good with that too I’ll make sure they know that it’s not science or the highway.
October 18, 2012 at 5:21 pm
I am hoping that my parents will be dead by the time I go, and my SO being 15 years older than me, it’s likely he will be gone too. I am leaving instructions for my cremation and scattering of the ashes in my favorite body of water. My parents have also planned and prepaid their cremation and scattering at sea.
I am not sure what city or country I will be living in when I die (presumably in old age) so that’s why I haven’t prepaid anything, but I will at some point. Of course if it happens sooner than I expect then my SO knows what I want and will take care of it.
October 18, 2012 at 5:44 pm
I’ve prepaid my burial expenses as costs will just keep rising. Most funeral plans are outlined and the money is put aside, although I’ll probably be here for a long time as deceased female relatives all made it to their nineties. I wouldn’t feel right expecting my family to foot the bill or burdening them with making all the arrangements. I’ve always believed in paying my own expenses.
October 18, 2012 at 8:09 pm
As someone mentioned, donating your body to science isn’t free. At least that’s what my friend found. Once they were done with her Dad’s body, she had to pay for the cremation (and transportation of the remains, too, I believe). So don’t think you’ll get off with no costs.
October 19, 2012 at 12:06 am
Hello,
I joined a memorial society for $20:
http://www.calgarymemorial.com/index.html
I registered a family member shortly before their death and was able to save about 2/3rds of the cost of a funeral. The savings could have been more but I wanted to ensure the funeral had some special touches, like lovely flowers. The only cost I thought was outrageous was the cost the local newspaper charged for a notice.
Being part of a memorial society means there are standard packages to choose from, and the cost savings decrease the more customized the funeral becomes. A local funeral home provides this service for society members, in my case, a company that has a very good reputation. I was so impressed with how well my family was treated by the staff – they treated us as if my family was paying full-price
I would recommend folks look into memorial societies in their communities as a viable option for funeral arrangements.
October 19, 2012 at 2:34 am
[...] This week Gail Vaz-Oxlade talked about why you need to Plan Your Funeral. [...]
October 19, 2012 at 3:03 am
When we had my grandmother’s body cremated (as per her wishes), we learned that it’s the law in BC for the body to be placed in a coffin. The cheapest available was about 700, and the total cost of cremation etc was about 5000, and that was without a memorial service plaque, etc. Just viewing, cremation and an urn as well as the funeral home’s very helpful guidance about dealing with the legal aspects. We also learned that you can save about 40% of the cost by pre planning and pre-paying for your own funeral.
October 19, 2012 at 3:48 am
[...] This week Gail Vaz-Oxlade talked about why you need to Plan Your Funeral. [...]
October 19, 2012 at 8:12 am
http://www.basicfunerals.ca/services/respectfulcremations.html
Provides services in every part of Ontario. Reasonably priced.
October 19, 2012 at 12:12 pm
I work at a church and help with a number of funerals. Probably every province is different as far as regulations, but, do shop around and also ask about costs for things. Quite often every little thing that the funeral home does for the family there is a charge for it. Think about what you really really want. A funeral is for the living but there is no need to spend a huge amount of money. Want a slide presentation of your life? Why not now start going through some photos. I have done presentations for families and had it ready for them for the day of the funeral. If the funeral home does it, that’s another charge. The little brochures about the person’s life, ushers, etc, it is all part of the cost.
October 22, 2012 at 6:59 am
@AndreaM – just finished reading your reply and I LOVE the story about your grandmother and her choice for clothes! What a positive outlook!
I hope those who are ill in your family find health and happiness! And thank you to you and your husband – your contributions for our country are greatly appreciated!
January 4, 2013 at 11:12 am
It is very interesting to read different peoples stances on what they want from their funerals. I personally have decided I want to be laid to rest at one of these beautiful woodland burial sites. I think they are a lovely peaceful location, I think it is best to have some plans made to ease the pain of your loved ones.
March 17, 2013 at 11:42 pm
One of my clients brought this site to my attention. As an Ontario Funeral Director, and with respect to Gail for opening the issue, Gail is definitely not well informed on Ontario’s Funeral and Cemetery industry laws, nor on the matter of body donation. Each province has different regulations in these industries.
It would be far too difficult to detail and respond to all of the misconceptions I’ve read, but do keep these things in mind.
Yes, shop around, but do it in advance. Prefunding your funeral arrangements, through a funeral home, will ALWAYS save grief, emotional overspending and DOLLARS. Ontario law gives consumers the right to cancel “prepaid” funeral contracts at any time, and Prepaid funeral funds do not belong to the funeral home… they ALWAYS belong to the consumer and remain in specifically government approved annuities, insurance plans or trust accounts.
Many people pre-arrange and fund their funeral and final expense costs WITHOUT choosing a funeral home. We have several options available in Ontario.
About 98% of bodies offered to science are REJECTED, and this must be arranged in advance.
Do not confuse organ donation with donating a body to science for research.
Embalming is NOT required by law under most circumstances.
Every body cremated or buried MUST be in a casket or container… that’s the law.
Only a licensed funeral service establishment (and there are several classes or types) can offer funeral services to the public.
If you see an advertisement for cremation at $1000 (as Gail suggests) don’t believe it. It is NOT the total of all costs to be paid. In reality, the total charges will include Crematorium Fees, Coroner and Death Registration Fees, a basic container, the funeral establishment’s professional fees, transportation of the deceased, required documentation, HST etc. In addition, most families will still want to place a death notice in a newspaper and/or purchase an urn. The TOTAL cost WILL be at least $2400 to $3000… and all that will do is leave a family with a container of cremated remains to deal with. The typical $995 in the advertisement is the funeral service provider’s service charge ONLY… all of the above items are additional.
The best source for information is the Ontario Board of Funeral Services web site. Why would you consult a funeral home’s site for unbiased advice? The Board is the governing body charged with enforcing Ontario’s regulations.
And finally, to Gail. Please learn your facts before you publish them… posts like these only serve to generate more confusion for people on a sensitive subject.