Don’t Worry, Be Healthy
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
By nature I’m a worry-wart. I’ve had to work hard at reducing my need to control EVERYTHING and worry less. It’s been a struggle, but one that had definitely paid off in spades.
My idea of dealing with anything was to worse-case it seven ways from sideways. If I imagined the worst that could happen, whatever did happen couldn’t possibly be as bad. Problem was, I expended so much energy worrying all the options through to the better end, I wore myself out from the inside.
Research shows that chronic worrying stems from a craving for control. Not news to me. But the more we twist ourselves into knots over the What-Could-Happen, the more we reduce our bodies’ abilities to cope with stress. Spending too much time worrying can actually weaken your cardiovascular system. Never mind the havoc it plays with your emotional functioning.
According to Robert Leahy, director of the American Institute of Cognitive Therapy, in his book The Worry Cure, 38% of folks say they worry every day and more than 19 million Americans are chronic worriers. Wow!
That’s not to say that all worry is bad for you or unproductive. But if you let your emotional mind take control of the process, you’ll be wringing your hands and beaded in perspiration in no time. You’ve got to decide if your worrying will help you find a practical solution to a problem or if it’s just your brain going round and round on a hamster wheel of What Ifs.
Learning to accept uncertainty helps too. I had this lesson in a big way last year and it has helped a lot. After trying to plan everything to within an inch of its life, every plan I made was thwarted. It was as if The Goddess was saying directly to me, “Gail, give it the hell up!” I got the message.
Mindfulness helps too. Springing from Buddhist teachings that encourage you to stay in the present moment, experiencing all emotions without evaluation, and learning to put away the wondering mind – backwards or forwards – mindfulness has been my biggest tool. Whether you choose to meditate for an extended period each day, or you take quick five minute breaks throughout the day to “stay with your breath”, mindfulness quiets the brain and eases tension.
Sometimes people aren’t even aware that they’re worrying because they refuse to admit the potential downsides to themselves; worrying in silence and ignorance may be the worst worry of all. Admitting to the potential downside and reframing the worry can help. What would happen… really happen… not as some speeded up disaster movie in your mind? If you can create a positive spin by finding the lesson in the negative experience, you’ll not only be wiser, you’ll be stronger in dealing with the stress.
September 26, 2012 at 5:47 am
I echo your experience with meditation. It’s a great look into one’s thoughts and it’s refreshing to me that I could just let the what-ifs drop. At least for me, worrying sometimes stems from feeling less-than; that I’m not up to the task, and what if I fail? That’s a old script for me, coming from a childhood with loss and dealing with others addictions.
But breathing helps give me mental space to remind myself that I’m just fine the way I am and I can approach a new situation with some open-mindedness like, “Huh, I wonder how this is going to turn out?”
September 26, 2012 at 7:40 am
Wow, I think you were only talking to me today. Thanks for helping me rebalance!
September 26, 2012 at 9:20 am
I echo your sentiments. As a person addicted to worry (and a fiction writer whose mind gravitates to the most extreme circumstances) I know what it feels like. But I also think being thankful helps change my worrying attitude, and my focus.
September 26, 2012 at 9:22 am
I have always been a worrier. Even as a child. I think I’m better than I used to be, but I’m also more careful about who I let into my life. There are certain people who create worry within me, many have been cut from my life, and some have been drastically reduced. It creates a much better atmosphere and “place” for me. I have become a much more calm, centred person.
September 26, 2012 at 9:29 am
Needed to hear this. I hate staying awake at night worrying…grrrrr…
September 26, 2012 at 9:31 am
I’m also a recovering worrier. My wife has been helpful in that regard, to show me that we can handle whatever comes our way – in other words that confidence doesn’t equal arrogance.
I like this poem I read once, that puts things in perspective for me, especially about describing the difference between your preception and the reality.
“I think over again my small adventures, my fears, These small ones that seemed so big. For all the vital things I had to get and to reach. And yet there is only one great thing, The only thing. To live to see the great day that dawns. And the light that fills the world.”
- Inuit Song
September 26, 2012 at 9:58 am
“My idea of dealing with anything was to worse-case it seven ways from sideways.” That sounds like me!
I try my hardest to keep it together, but often find myself thinking “what if, what if, what if.” This has only gotten worse since we bought our first house. Now I think “what if the foundation needs to be replace? What if the house starts on fire? Etc…” It’s irrational, I know, and it takes me a lot of work to get out of that line of thinking…
September 26, 2012 at 9:58 am
I’m a huge control freak, love control, love having a plan…. however, I never worry.
I’m a pratical person, and spending time/energy on something like “worry” has never made sense.
My parents had the serenity prayer on the a plaque by the door, so that everyday I left for school, I would read it….
“God grant me the serenity,
To accept the things, I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference”.
And if you apply that to the situations you find yourself in when you’re worrying… you’ll find either a path of action that you can change your circumstances, or the realization that these things are beyond your control… and take a breath, and accept that.
September 26, 2012 at 10:21 am
Good article.
I found that now being debt free has reduced my financial worries tremendously. Most of my concern was the stress and burdeon of having debt. Having an emergency savings has lowered it even more. Now I’m at the stage of learing to invest and continue savings. It’s exciting, empowering, and has energized my soul.
For me, taking charge of my finances, means taking charge of my life, which in turn gives me leverage to grow spiritually and emotionally.
September 26, 2012 at 11:06 am
Holy Cow Gail! I need a 12-step program for my worrying! I tell myself to relax and resist the urge to control everything and go along quite well for a few (well, ok a couple) of days, and then I fall off the wagon and go back to it! What’s happened in my family in the last 2 years should have taught me that I can’t control so much. I am really trying to learn to relax more but it is such hard work!
September 26, 2012 at 11:21 am
I am a huge worrier. I try to plan ahead and make things easier for myself and my family but things happen you have no control over. You can’t help it if someone gets sick or an animal needs to go to the vet. I’m trying to stay in the now.
Nice post!
September 26, 2012 at 11:47 am
I wonder how many of us who read “Gail” everyday are worriers…bet almost all of us. Hence, reading Gail each day to try equip ourselves in the events of “what ifs”. lol
I’m sure we all share many common traits.
September 26, 2012 at 11:54 am
Thank you, Gail! (I needed this today….).
September 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm
” Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want”
September 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm
Hmmm…very true. I developed anxiety as an adult and needed help to learn how to manage my worrying ways. It’s not so much that worrying (per se) was the issue but rather that I couldn’t rationalize out of it well enough. I needed to learn to follow through to the worst possible conclusion (of such minor daily things) and walk backwards to the most likely…along with, if the worst actually happened…how would you handle it? It puts it all back into a healthier perspective. Gives the worries and uncontrollable things in life, less control over YOU!
Thanks for sharing your lessons with us Gail!
September 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Worry is like a rocking chair….it gives you something to do…but it gets you nowhere.
September 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm
I agree with Andrea – one of the reasons I read Gail is because I am a worrier!
I bought my house 7 years ago, I used to wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I was going to be bankrupt and eating cat food because of the expense – even though I had done all the planning and budgeting and my mortgage was less than $500 a month.
When hubby and I moved 3 years ago, I think I almost gave myself an ulcer over the expenses and renovations. Of course the renos I worried about were fine – getting rid of knob & tube was easy. Getting rid of three layers of wallpaper on the CEILING was another story.
Exercise, especially pilates and yoga, really help me keep calm. Well calmer…
September 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Amy I love that! “Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.” Especially since the Bible clearly says “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.”
Although that is much easier said then done. I usually call my mom when I start worrying and she snaps me right back into shape. She doesn’t tolerate people who worry.
September 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Sigh. I worry. I’ve seen terrible, horrible things happen to people, and I worry about such things happening to me or to my family. I can’t use any logic to overcome it, because if it can happen to someone else, it sure as heck could happen to us. And my 16 year old is learning to drive, and I find it nerve wracking and over-whelming. I don’t want her to practise with my youngest in the car; I’m a wreck while she drives… and hubby isn’t home to practise with her much during daytime hours. I’m afraid of what I’m turning her into.
September 26, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for talking about mindfulness, Gail. It’s a really helpful too for getting centered in a busy world, isn’t it?
Toronto has a new not-for-profit organization called The Centre for Mindfulness Studies, which offers seminars and workshops for those interested in learning more: http://www.mindfulnessstudies.com/
September 26, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Like everyone else has mentioned, I am a big worrier (even as a child!)! Needed this today Gail – thanks! And thanks for the poem Geoff and prayer reminder Kat!
September 26, 2012 at 9:39 pm
As a child I was told “don’t worry, be happy”. as an adult I still worry and not too happy. The serenity prayer got me through this year. I changed the things I could. I am happier. I like to plan. I go nuts if I don’t have 3 back up plans if the first one doesn’t work. I can’t believe how much sleep I’ve lost worrying. After reading Gail’s blog and responses I might sleep better knowing I’m not the only one worrying. I’ll let someone else worry now.
September 27, 2012 at 7:39 am
I think I’m getting slightly better and then I’ll enter into a bad cycle where worrying and anxiety eat away my insides. On paper there isn’t a lot of concrete reasons why I worry. My husband thinks it is leftover of my upbringing, always having to be on guard as there was no emotional security. Perhaps he is right and I hope that knot slowly dissipates over time as I learn to trust that nothing is “really wrong”.
September 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm
I am a first class worrier… I have worried myself sick many times, literally. I am working on letting go of my control issues and my need to plan everything out to the last detail. Of course, worrying is beneficial to a certain extent – I imagine those who never worry about the future are pollyannas who don’t have a sufficient emergency funds and no plan on how to deal with retirement in their live for today attitude – but you can have too much of a good thing.
September 28, 2012 at 3:28 am
@Cas-hi there, I can relate about the driving, it is a whole new worry isn’t it? However I was determined not to let my fears about the “the worst that can happen” (my family has been through that) get in the way of my daughter’s independence. It really helps to drive around the countryside a bit, or in town when its quieter to start, then of course driver training at 16. I let the pros teach her in the city! I just always thought that the more practise, the better-and cellphones are a blessing. We have always said too that any problems we are there to help! But oh letting her take her sibbling along at first sure was difficult!!
September 29, 2012 at 11:00 am
@ joey: I had my daughter in driver’s ed. They NEVER took her into a city for driving (20 minutes away)! We live in the country, and that has its own perils. Stuck behind a huge tractor that was swaying back and forth across the yellow line, and I can’t see in the passenger seat to tell her when it’s okay to try to pass. 20 minutes stuck behind that thing. I am totally for her developing independence; that’s always been a top priority for me, but driving is a worry. I was unimpressed with her training. I don’t feel that they gave her enough experience in real driving situations. Driving around a small town during the day with little traffic is something I could have done with her. Being 2 minutes from a 400 highway, she went on it ONCE, something she is only allowed to do with an instructor. They didn’t teach her how to pass, merge, or anything that requires skill and practise, and I’m not the person to teach her. While I do those things, and have driven for 25 years, I still get anxious myself.
October 14, 2012 at 7:41 pm
Plan for the worst and hope for the best; always ensure that there is a plan “B”