A Mind of My Own
Posted by Gail | Filed under Autism
Chapter Fourteen — Familiarity Breeds Contentment (Part 2)
I learned about not punishing Malcolm the hard way. When he was quite young, I took a toy away as punishment for something. When I tried to give it back, he’d have no part of it. While it was a favourite toy, he resolutely refused to have anything more to do with the offensive item. And he never changed his mind.
While “distraction” is a technique often used with toddlers, Malcolm could never be distracted. Nor could he be re-directed. Instead, he would wait patiently for you to give up and then go back to whatever it was you wanted to distract him from.
Malcolm at 16:
Every now and then I’m surprised at how much Malcolm has NOT changed, and how accepting I’ve becoming of my sweet boy’s very unusual behaviour. Our last vacation together was an eye-opener.
Before we left for the Bahamas, I told Malcolm I wanted him to bring a book or two to read on the beach, in the hotel room, while we were travelling. He is a reluctant reader and I have to encourage him. He was noncommittal on the reading, so I suggested the first couple of books of a series I knew he had yet to read. My sneaky plan was to get him into those books while away and then watch him devour the rest when we got home.
When we got to the Bahamas I discovered that Malcolm had packed the entire series. Half way through the week when I said, “Dude, if you weren’t going to read the books, why did you bring them ALL?”
“I can’t leave some of the series behind.”
“Why not?”
“It belongs together.”
See, not a lot has changed since he was hauling his stuff to and from the basement to keep it all together.
The other thing that came out of the last trip was how hard travel is on Malcolm. Never one to enjoy travel, he’s done it because I think it’s good for him to have those experiences. It’s how I counter his I-won’t-leave-the-house-i-tis. But the last trip, though short, was particularly difficult.
Previously when I travelled with Malcolm I could do more to offset the stress. Deep hugs have always been the antidote for too much of everything else. On this trip, however, he was both too old and too big (he’s six foot two now) for me to pull him onto my lap for comfort. So he had to deal with the stress himself.
We arrived at our hotel in the Bahamas at about noon and Malcolm went straight to bed. He was running a temperature and totally worn out. The next day he was fine again. The trip back to Canada was equally stressful. He was actually nauseous in the airport.
When I subsequently told Alex about how hard it had been on him she said, “Why don’t you use dark glasses to cut out the lights, and noise reducing head phones to cut the sound stimulation.”
“Oh shut up!” I said. But next time I will. If there’s a next time.
As we were walking through the airport towards immigration I said to Malcolm, “You know that trip to Africa we’ve been planning.” He grunted an acknowledgement. “We’re going to have to rethink that. I don’t think you could stand two days of travelling.”
“Thank God” he said.
October 12, 2012 at 9:43 am
Thank you Gail!
October 12, 2012 at 10:31 am
After reading about your family for so many weeks now, I wonder if its inappropriate to ask for a picture of the three of you together? I just feel like I need to put faces to these people I feel like I know so well now.
October 12, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I don’t think we have to be disabled in any way to find travel and travel vacations stressful. Even traveling first class can’t eliminate the tedium of it. I wonder when we’ll all give our heads a collective shake and realize that we aren’t enjoying ourselves nearly enough to justify this whole obsession with going somewhere we aren’t right now.
I’m with Malcolm on this one.
October 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm
I know how difficult travel is with a difficult child. My daughter isn’t AS but she has a severe speech delay and a very spirited temperament and not to mention, slow to warm up. Last year, I flew from Vancouver to France with a 21/2 yr old and a 6month old. The baby was great. My daughter was THAT child. You know the kind. She screamed before getting on the plane. Than she continued on the plane. She didn’t just scream but Kicked, hit, banged her head and even bit me. I was thankful to sit next to somebody who understood and helped me with the baby. It didn’t matter what I brought for her to keep her occupied. I was criticized for travelling by myself with two small kids. Somebody asked me why I didn’t have help(that’s a different story). She finally screamed herself to sleep as we were taxiing to the runway. She was actually ok when she woke up too. The next flight was more of the same. When we got to our destination she settled in quite nicely. Coming home was just as traumatic. I have sworn off planes for her till she asks to go and understands what is involved.
October 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm
I agree that traveling can be stressful on any child, or adult, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes it’s better to have close to home experiences rather than stress your child and spoil the flight for all the other passengers who are stuck on the plane with you.
October 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I had issues as a child because my ears ached the entire time. I couldn’t sit and watch a movie because the in your ear headphones made it worse. As an adult I can’t do it easly because I stiffen up with my rheumatism. Travel isn’t something easy because of the flying for hours to get there. Once I’m there I’m fine.
October 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm
My son is also 16, is 6 ft. one, has Autism and has I won’t leave the house itis…. LOL. Gail, it’s like you are writing our life story…
October 15, 2012 at 6:06 am
I have Aspbergers as well so I get needing the whole series and travel angst. Things I’ve found to make life easier are an iPad, sunglasses, and headphones (so Alex was totally right). I actually travel a lot and I usually do okay. We try to stay with family whenever possible and I have a schedule I keep to when I get to my location that hasn’t changed in years. My husbands fine with it and my family sees it as an oppertunity to break out of the daily routine for a week. When having to stay in a hotel I find having a space of my own helps big time. We like time-shares for this reason, multiple bedrooms for much less than a suite. And we always try to go away for 1 to 3 weeks, less time and it isn’t worth the upheaval, any longer and I can’t take the stress any longer. So keep at it, you’ll find a system that works for you and your son.