A Mind of My Own
Posted by Gail | Filed under Autism
Chapter Ten: Social Interactions (Part 3)
Malcolm at 16:
Malcolm and Logan remain friends, spending weekends together and laughing and gabbing together. However Logan left school in mid-way through Grade 10 for health reasons and Malcolm had to forge some new relationships.
Over time he’s become much more conscious of the social aspects of life. Where before he showed no interest in what he wore other than always choosing familiar clothes, now he takes an interest in going shopping and he chooses what to wear for himself. When he shunned solid coloured shots in favour of plaids I wondered why the big interest in plaids. The next time I was at school I noticed that 9 out of 10 boys were wearing plaid shorts. It seems Malcolm was now paying attention to things I was totally missing.
He insists on wearing his hair a certain way (even though I like it better another way), and he is conscious of what is and isn’t “cool.” He looks and acts like lots of other 16 year olds and I’ve given him whatever I think he needs to help him fit in. When he asked for an iphone, I had a debate with myself. This was an expensive “toy.” He’d always had a cell phone (for my convenience) and texted. But this was a step up. What to do, what to do?
He asked for the phone in the summer. I told him he’d have to wait until Christmas and I’d give him the phone for a Christmas/Birthday present. He twitched a bit but then he waited.
Facebook and texting are a boon to Malcolm, which is one reason I gave him the iphone. Both these media give him time to think about what he wants to say, and reduce his stress because they eliminate the barrage of stimuli associated with face-to-face interactions. His Facebook page says he has 260 friends, 238 of whom I know nothing. But if he’s interacting with even 1/10th of those kids, I’m in heaven.
From time to time I hear him talking about his friends but I never see him interacting with them. Even though I offer to have them over, he chooses to keep them at school.
Sometimes I worry that Malcolm doesn’t have the social life Alex did. Then I give my head a shake. Malcolm is a completely different child. He loves his alone time. He is happy and a joy to be around. He has a much lower need for interaction than some other kids.
Sometimes you just have to let go and allow your children to be who they are.
August 31, 2012 at 8:37 am
That last line rings so true, Aspergers or not. Thanks so much Gail, I look forward to your Friday blogs.
August 31, 2012 at 9:43 am
Thank you Gail. Technology can be awesome and opens doors that may have otherwise remained closed for some. I love Malcolm’s sense of self – hair is his way and he chose plaid! GREAT JOB MOM!
August 31, 2012 at 11:48 am
Ah, yes, letting your children be themselves. That’s the challenge for many, many parents as children grow.
My 27 year old son with Asperger’s insists on a ponytail, and often a beard as well. Neither would be my choice! And jeans have never been worn, socks are always two different colors, friends are never invited over, and all legos and 3-D puzzles must remain built into massive buildings all over the room. What is boy, what is teenager, what is Asperger’s? The distinctions don’t really matter: it’s all just him.
Of course I worry about how he fits in the world, but he’s now so happy, that I try to just enjoy his life in present tense, too. Next year and onward will have new challenges, but there may be lots of new growth, too, and steps of independence to help him navigate life’s changes.
I, too, love the availability of technology now – has helped him in so many ways. He’s even learned to like to write….finally.
August 31, 2012 at 11:59 am
Thank you
August 31, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Gail, you are a most awesome mother, blessed indeed by God
When I read your Friday blogs they always lift my mood and I always find myself thinking how blessed you and Malcolm are to have each other.
To be honest I don’t know where on earth you find the time to take such good care of your family AND the rest of us, with our questions that must seem so redundant to you by now. Wherever do you find the time to do all you do?!? And some people say they don’t see “miracles” on earth;)
September 3, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Thank you Gail. I make sure to read your blog every Friday without fail. You have so many lessons to share re: parenting.
September 3, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Hi Gail,
The last sentence is exactly what I have done with my 16 year old.
Sad thing is that when my son entered high school, the kids that he thought were his friends, made fun of him and asked him to do silly things. We soon put a stop to that, when we found out. He fixated on them, but finally let them go. These kids were jerks. Without the elementary school teachers and helpers reminding the kids to be nice and include everyone, they turned into high school jerks. And my son was ‘different’ and now there was no direct supervision, so therefore an easy target.
We asked him many times to try and eat lunch with the kids he talks to in his Positive Social Interaction class and has been asked to join a group that meets at lunch which is comprised of kids like himself, but he vehemently refuses. He says they are not his friends, though they have much in common besides Autism.
The realization we came to quite awhile ago is, we can’t make people be his friends, we can’t make him be friends with people he doesn’t want to and we didn’t want him putting himself into situations in high school where he didn’t understand the social cues and was asked to do stupid things like dance, run up and down the stairs 50 times, or pretend you’re a ninja.(Which is what happened in grade 8). So we let him just be him.
Now he is content to eat his lunch alone in the counseling office and can interact appropriately with his peers when he needs to. This is who he is and as heart wrenching as it is for him not to have friends, it doesn’t seem to bug him as much as it bugged us. We have let it go and realized he is different and this is the way he is. He does have some online friends on a Nintendo chat network. We would not allow him on Facebook as there is so much online cyber bullying that goes on, that we didn’t want to have to deal with that.
Maybe one day he will find a friend, but for now he is content to be on his own.