A Mind of My Own
Posted by Gail | Filed under Autism
Chapter Eight: Advocating At School (Part 5)
I have been accused from time to time to time of having too high expectations. But I don’t think it is so. I customize my expectations based on my children’s strengths and what else is going on in their lives. While Alex was never any good at gym, she was first class in karate, which she took privately, so I knew she wouldn’t be in trouble with a B on her report card. Ditto most of her music curriculum at school because we did music privately and she was a good piano (and then guitar) student, well ahead of the elementary school curriculum.
Malcolm is constantly struggling with language, so I don’t use the report card marks as a gage for him for English. But I do for the other subject areas, and I congratulate him heartily for his B in science or social studies since it means he likely knew everything and communicated what he knew pretty poorly! But I don’t leave it to chance either. I make sure I have the curriculum and that he knows what he must know to my satisfaction. And I push him hard to not “settle” for easy marks. As long as he’s doing his best, I’m happy with his effort.
In dealing with the education environment in which our kids must function, you have to be flexible. You need to know your stuff and be prepared to advocate for your child. If you don’t get what you think your child needs, you have to be prepared to escalate up the line to a higher authority, change schools, or take the job over yourself.
Okay, now, before you go jumping on me about not being able to because you work or because you don’t have the time, or for whatever good reason you have, let me first say, that there’s always something that you can do. When I home-schooled Malcolm I was lucky enough to be working from home. I would get up at 4:00 a.m. to write, stopping at 7:00 to get Alex up, dressed, fed and off to school. Then I’d school Malcolm until noon when we’d have lunch, I’d drop him at school, grab a one hour nap, pick the kids up, play for a while, head home, make dinner and then go back to work, leaving my husband on kid-patrol. It was tough, man. I was tired. But it beat the hell out of watching my kid puke every morning because his life sucked so badly.
I know that without my intervention Malcolm would have been lost at school. He may have become a behaviour problem, biting and hitting in the early grades and withdrawing and fighting later on. Certainly his self-esteem would have suffered. And he would have struggled academically, losing ground every year until he finally gave up. With some effort, a loud voice, and the determination to make him self-sufficient over time, things have turned out very differently. But each day brings a new challenge. And each challenge brings new understanding.
As I learn more and more about my son, I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. What courage he shows each day heading off into the uncertainty he faces. What determination to keep moving forward. And what a sense of himself he must have to stay so balanced most of the time. He sets a high standards, and I am determined to live up to it.
An update: Malcolm is now 16 and in Grade 10 at high school For his Grade 8 year I pulled him out of the elementary school he had been going to because the only teacher option was truly horrible. The man was a bully and dumb as dirt. Alex had him for just 3 months and talked her way into high school (at age 12) to get away from him. I knew Malcolm would never survive him. All my hard work would have been completely undone.
I was prepared to home school him. But a friend of mine pointed out that there was a very small, independent school in the area that might work. So I went to meet with the principal, Linda. This woman had opened her own small school because she was so disdainful of the traditional public school’s ability to deal with kids who weren’t typical.
A warren of rooms, thousands of books, and a hugely strong policy against bullying and I was convinced. About sixty-five children from age 4 through 13 go to this school every year and Linda weaves her magic to not only cover the curriculum but to teach patience, tolerance and the skills required to stand up for yourself. All the children play together at recess; there are no segregated playgrounds. And if little kids want to get into the basketball game with the big kids, they can, with love and support from the bigger kids who are their mentors.
When it was time for Malcolm to go to high school, I insisted on orienting him to the building myself. We spent a day learning the corridors, the various “halls” – like science and tech – and how the library and cafeteria operated. And I arranged for Alex (who was in her last year) to take Malcolm into some of her classes so he could see how the teachers in high school operated. He was there for the mass change-over between classes (enough to cast the fear of god into anyone, never mind a child coming out of a school of 65 kids), and Alex taught him how to walk so kids wouldn’t bump into him: head up, strong strides, give not an inch and the river of kids will part.
At Grade 10 Malcolm had some academic setbacks. The curriculum started to move so fast that with his language comprehension and slow processor he started to fall behind. The math teacher said a lot of the right things but didn’t do a lot to accommodate him. In contrast, his science teacher took him under her wing and he fell in love with physics and chemistry. I was very grateful for all her extra attention and I told her so. Every time I said something nice to her (by email), I copied the principal.
At one point we thought the testing was a problem at school and I was ready to jump all over that. Malcolm was doing well in class and with at-home assignments but his marks went into the 20s for tests. I investigated at home asking lots of questions and assessing what I think had gone wrong. What had gone wrong was Malcolm; he’d checked out. He was living in his head during class time and missing huge pieces of important lessons. I kicked his ass. I told the principal it wasn’t the system, the teachers or the tests, it was Malcolm. I threatened Malcolm with the loss of his phone. “Dude,” I said “if you spent half the time on history as you do playing Angry Birds you’d be getting 100%.”
After his next history test he got in my car and when we pulled into the garage he handed me his cell. “What’s this?” I asked.
“We had a deal,” he said. “I only got 65% on my history test.” The deal we had made was that he had to get better than 70% for me to let him keep his phone.
“You pulled a 65%? Really?” I was a little astonished to tell the truth. “You went from 23% to 65%?” I was actually very impressed. I handed him back his phone. “You keep it up and you can keep the phone,” I said. “Is that a deal?”
“Yes,” he said seriously. Then he added, “I love you mom.”
“I love you too sweetheart,” I said. “Don’t make me sad because I have to take away your phone. I don’t want to. So you do what you’re supposed to do, okay?”
“Yah,” he said.
Malcolm went on to recover in every subject. He started pulling high 70s and mid 80s in tests. I got him a tutor for math to get him back to even before Grade 11. Fingers crossed.
August 10, 2012 at 7:18 am
You and your family are amazing!! Our family needs some of u guys to rub off on us!!
August 10, 2012 at 8:18 am
Ok…I’m now in tears. Blessing to you and your ‘kids,’ Gail.
August 10, 2012 at 8:49 am
I love reading these blogs on Friday! Thanks, Gail!
August 10, 2012 at 9:02 am
You are such a champion for your children, and I look forward to reading your Friday blogs more each week. As a parent of two young children, but also as a government caseworker for disabled people (most of whom do not have any supports) I thank you for sharing your experiences and I wish more parents were as involved with assisting their children in being successful.
August 10, 2012 at 10:43 am
Oh Gail, Friday posts are my favourite. Your role as a reasonable yet strong parent is truly refreshing. The norm now, in my experience is that having standards and expectations for your children is old school. Of course your love for your children is overwhelming but as a parent it’s your job to give them the security and life skills necessary to have successful lives. It’s a daily challenge to find the balance. Thank you for your candid approach.
August 10, 2012 at 11:34 am
Sooo impressed with your ability to look at a situation clearly, Gail, and deal with the root of the problem, whether it’s a person, a person’s attitude, a systemic thing…so many people pick one and stick with it, even when it’s not always accurate. Your description of your journey (and your son’s journey) is like a whole PD session for me! Thanks!
August 10, 2012 at 11:55 am
Gail – I wish every parent shared your view on school!
As the daughter of two retired elementary school teachers and sister of a current elementary school teacher (who, of course, are all friends with lots of other teachers, meaning our christmas parties are more like staff parties) and a former University admissions officer and student support worker, I cannot tell you how rare your attitude is these days!
There seems to have been a huge shift lately from “blaming the student” to “blaming the teacher”, and while problems can be caused on both sides, students and their parents seem much less willing to accept that THEY might be the problem, not the educator. I’ve councilled dozens of University level students who come in, not to get help or re-examine what they could be doing better, but because their parents told them that if they complained to the right person they could get a grade overturned or be allowed to re-take a test (even worse, I’ve had more than a few parents join in on these meetings with their 20-something year old children).
Your posts prove that even students who face challenges are capable of great things when they put their minds to it! I hope this lesson can trickle-down to all the helicopter parents out there who think their children can do no wrong!
August 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Gail, I know what you mean with this story! While the circumstances are different for my son, he also had huge challenges in high school, running into depression, severe anxiety and finding out he actually had a significant motor-skill disability in Grade 9/10.
I too, was an actively involved parent, talking with the school, doctors, therapists and anyone who could have an effect on my son’s progress for the last 5 years. I challenged the system to find ways to work with his problems, I challenged him to find his way out of the hole he crawled into and I challenged myself and my husband to forgive ourselves for not being perfect at this job with no instruction manual.
We have struggled along with him, but at 19 he has graduated Gr 12 with honours, and is ready to enter university in a few weeks. He has found his first job, and has the anxiety under control most of the time – that is success!
Thanks for your worksheets on student finances – we have already set up his, so he has a clue about his income and expenses before it actually starts happening. He knows that he is now mostly responsible for his life decisions, but we are still there to talk things through before he makes them. He can live with us room and board free until he turns 25, but has to be ready to be on his own no later than that birthday. He is extraodinarily lucky to have a $75k estate trust fund for his education, and an RESP, but he will have to deal with me to access these funds. The rest he has to earn for himself.
Letting him go is really scary – but I am realizing he is coping the vast majority of time, and he has developed skills though this prolonged crisis. We are working on being 3 adults living in the house, vs. Mom/Dad and the kid. We’ve negotiated chores on this basis, and most of the time it works. And when it doesn’t, we just have to calm down and talk it out again….
Good luck with your son’s final childhood years, it’s worth the tremendous struggles it feels like will never end.
August 10, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Gail, Nothing you’ve said that you do is anything different than from what I do and have done, with regards to my children’s school careers, since they began school. I’ve been called overprotective, annoying, picky, anal…you name it. All because I demand to be involved in their curriculum and teachers and the entire school. Period. I know how my children work and study, and they know what I expect. My husband and I are very based upon you do your best, and that is what we demand. They know as long as they strive far and work hard, marks to us are not relevant overall. Behaviour also, is a given. Behave and respect. That said, they also know I am an animal when faced with them not being treated with respect, teachers who bully or tune out, and so on. I’ve made enemies with the principal and some teachers already, because I dare to question them when my children are bullied, harassed, etc. I’ve gone above heads, again to be attacked. I do not care. My children are my priority. I intend to be there for them for life. Period. And they know it. I love reading how you protect and teach. It’s what we must do.
August 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm
@ April – with respect, are you going to go after your kid’s employers as well?
August 10, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Yes, be careful. You may be making them a target. It’s one thing to be involved, vocal, an advocate, but quite another to always be on the defense and looking for fights. You could end up doing more harm than good. Everyone’s kids are important, and they need to make sure they are all receiving the best possible education and social experience that they all can.
August 10, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Very heartwarming. Thanks for sharing.
August 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Geoff, do you see Gail doing that? I do nothing different than what she does. Mine have had issues also. I’m teaching them to not except crap from anyone. So with all due respect, mind your own damn business and save your rudeness for someone who cares.
August 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm
*accept.
August 11, 2012 at 12:28 am
Gail – I have watched your programs for ages now and particularly on how important it is to track your funds. I am a retired banker (almost 40 years) and I admit to referring clients to your books on rsps etc along with bank literature. You write (and talk) in every day terms that people can understand and it was always rewarding to see clients start paying down debt and thinking ahead a few years and not focusing only on the here and now. You seem to work out of Ontario but I was wondering if you ever give seminars in other provinces ie. Quebec. I would love to attend if you ever do. I have just been reading your blogs which are honest, funny and to the point. I wish the school boards would introduce this type of financial advice to students before they are working in the real world and discover that you actually have to pay back your credit cards. So many university kids just charge, charge, charge and then realize they can’t pay them off monthly or even yearly and are paying hugh amounts in interest. Itr is so important for them to learn about charge cares primarily and debit cards to see where they are tossing their money in a big black hole with nothing to show for it. All this to say you are doing a great service with sharing your knowledge. Good for you and keep up this important work.
August 11, 2012 at 8:41 am
@April…Geoff’s comment wasn’t at all rude…but yours sure was…are you sure you are being an advocate or are you just a bully???
And yes, I know what it’s like to have to fight for your children’s needs…I have one with severe autism and the other with tuberoussclerosis so I have been at this game a LONG time (my eldest is almost 20 and he has 1 year left in school) but I have never been a bully about it and have always gotten the job done…
August 11, 2012 at 9:54 am
There is a difference between being an advocate and a bully. Pril, as much as you say that you are protecting your kids from being bullied you are sounding like a bully not an advocate with your attitude.
August 13, 2012 at 10:32 pm
April – I get where you are coming from – but your tone is drastically different than Gail’s. You appear to be gloating about making enemies with teachers/Principals rather than working with them as Gail has. Sure, Gail has blogged about certain problems – but not in the tone that you have used. She also hasn’t told anyone to “mind their damn business”. If you wanted people to mind their own business – don’t comment about your life.
Also – perhaps the schools are creating a barrier with you because you seem to be a little over-the-top and ‘demand’ to be involved.
August 19, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Our son is 10 and although he does well in science in math, he struggles in friendships and communication skills. We spend a tremendous amount of time and money trying to help him. We recently started doing methyl B12 shots with him which have helped tremendously. Over the years, I have put my own credit in jeopardy as I tried desperately to help Jake. My husband stayed constant to his budget but I spent like a drunken sailor on supplements, any new books on the subject and on age appropriate items that I thought would help him make friends. I would like to see more shows where Gail shows families how to balance medical costs of a child with their own budget. Even though I am still in debt, I wouldn’t change a bit of what I did. My investments have paid off (some at least) in educating myself and biologically helping our son. Thanks for the blog, Gail. karen from Nova Scotia, Canada