A Mind of My Own
Posted by Gail | Filed under Autism
Chapter Six: The Right Stimulation (Part 1)
I have always been very involved with my children at school. When Alexandra went to junior kindergarten, I began volunteering a day a week at school in her classroom. It was great. I got to see her in a peer environment and learned just how different kids are at school than at home. And I met Daniel, a little boy who was often described as “difficult.”
Daniel didn’t seem to understand the concept of personal space. He had a really hard time separating from his dad in the morning, and he could be totally deaf when he wanted to be. But Daniel would do anything I asked him to. I spoke to him like a person (not a delinquent child), and when I needed him to do something I’d sit him on my lap with his back to me, wrap my arms around him in a tight hug and speak quietly. Daniel always heard me.
Somewhere in my reading I had come across something about children who were easily over-stimulated. It seems they can’t process out the stimulation that others routinely filter. So they look at a face and they see eyes moving, nose flaring, lips wet, teeth, tongue, frowns and smiles and squints, and who knows what-all else all rolled into one set of inputs.
When I met Daniel, the information I’d read about how to deal with these children just popped back into my consciousness and I applied it. By not looking Daniel in the eye while I spoke to him, by lowering my voice, or by reassuring him with a tight squeeze (Asperger’s children often respond well to deep-pressured touch-it makes them feel safe) I made him comfortable enough that he could receive my message.
This approach to dealing with over-stimulated kids is completely counter to our cultural upbringing. When we want kids to pay attention to what we’re saying, we insist that they look us in the eye. Or we tap them on the shoulder or lightly touch their arm to get their attention. But the stimulation of the Asperger’s child receives from our attempts to gain their attention is often so overwhelming that they can’t “hear” the message. It’s just too much input.
Daniel was also extremely bright. He taught himself to read so he could read the instructions on his computer games. And he was a whiz at math. So he found most of the work at school beneath him, and he wouldn’t do it. He spent great gobs of time sitting by his cubby because he wouldn’t cooperate with his teacher.
Whenever I volunteered in class, the teacher would ask if I could work with Daniel and I’d readily agree. He was a loving boy, affectionate, funny and full of ideas. When I needed him to finish something he wasn’t good at and didn’t want to do (like writing, which many Asperger’s children find torturous) I’d turn it into a game, asking if he could finish before I did or counting to ten or thirty or however long I thought he needed. Daniel always won.
Daniel prepared me for Malcolm. He was sent into my life so I wouldn’t be emotionally invested when I was practicing the skills I would later need for my own child. The same year Malcolm was diagnosed (at about four), Daniel was diagnosed at about six and a half. While I was researching Asperger’s in a panic because of Malcolm, Daniel’s mom was also feeling somewhat overwhelmed. But I had a head start on Michelle, thanks to her son. Daniel had already given me an advance course in patience, tolerance, and reading the signals that are so important with an Asperger’s child. Since they don’t understand what’s happening to them, they can’t possibly explain it to you. And while Daniel was extremely verbal, he still didn’t understand why he shouldn’t wear long sleeved turtlenecks in the summer or why other children lied.
June 22, 2012 at 8:02 am
If this whole finance thing doesn’t work out for you Gail, I think you might be gifted in another profession too!!! LOL
June 22, 2012 at 8:57 am
Wow! I think this is my favorite one yet! Meeting Daniel was truly a blessing. Sometimes I think the universe has an ironic but perfect way of giving us the tools/experiences we need to tackle lifes challenges. Glad you were ale to apply what you learned – Malcolm is very lucky to have you as a mom! Out of curiosity, did you reach out to Daniel’s mom after his diagnosis.
June 22, 2012 at 9:05 am
Wonderful except Gail. Please keep sharing.
June 22, 2012 at 9:06 am
That was meant to read Excerpt !!
June 22, 2012 at 9:23 am
I’m amazed at your patience, but also that you were allowed to gently hug Daniel. Today’s teachers aren’t allowed to hug students, because of the possible repercussions associated with them. So kudos to you for actually being able to do what he needed.
June 22, 2012 at 11:03 am
I too am shocked to read that you were allowed to touch the children when you were in the class. If a volunteer ever put a child on their lap and hugged them I would need to inform the principal and possibly F&CS. There would also be the need to call the parents and to ask the parent volunteer to not return. My head just reels with the fall out – and longs for a day where we do not assume that everyone wants to hurt children. Of course that would mean parents would also have to start trusting schools to actually is act in the best interest of their child. The only people that can touch a child are those with special training and then they must fill in paperwork every time they make contact with a child. Making contact with a child is not unlike a police officer taking out their service weapon. To this day if a child hugs me I have to stand stiffly, turn sideways and ask them to stop if I do not want to be investigated for grooming the children.
June 22, 2012 at 11:56 am
I am so happy that I work (as a secretary) in a school where hugging is allowed and not frowned upon. I have several children who come each morning for a hug and others that come when they feel they need one. How sad that our world is such a place where a child who needs or wants a hug is basically turned away.
June 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Heather that is just not true – lots of teachers hug children.
June 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Wow Siobhan, that is sobering. I hug lots of kids when I go into the school to visit my kids or help the teacher. They know me from other walks of life as the Mom of their friend, the girl guide leader, the bus driver, the lady that helps them with their reading etc. Maybe it is because we are a small town and all the parents recognize/know each other too? Kids need to learn safe touch, not no touch … but yes, it is hard to know which adult might be an abuser. And I as I write that, the thought bounces into my head that it isn’t hard. You get that feeling, that voice of who it is … but you aren’t allowed to profile or act on that, so we all get treated as potentials. Very sad.
Good tips on the Aspergers Gail, and wonderful training you had prior to Malcolm.
June 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Gail,
I have a son with PDD-NOS, and he too has sensory issues like the ones you and others have described. I have also worked in a school where the little ones needed that deep pressure (hug) you described, as it helped center them, and to cope.
Many kids with sensory issues will be evaluated by an OT, who will determine what sorts of things will help (chewing, heavy lifting, deep pressure using vests/lap snakes, etc.). Way to go for helping out that little guy using your Momsense and good luck with Malcom!
June 23, 2012 at 11:30 am
I love reading about Malcolm
June 25, 2012 at 8:08 am
I was a teacher for 5 years and, when I taught elementary, the kids would practically BEG for a hug. Kids need that kind of love and reassurance from someone who is important to them…and often teachers are extremely important to kids. It is so sad to me that our schools have turned hugging into something inappropriate and wrong. I’m so glad Daniel had you there to be there for him when he needed it most.
June 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm
I do believe that a hug is innocent. If the adult was constantly hugging and doing it in such a way that is questionable that is where they should be in trouble. But to hug a child that has hurt themselves, or in the above case. What about at the end of the year and they are saying goodbye? When I took a college class one of my instructors said something about not even being able to give someone a pat on the back for a job well done because that could be mistaken. Come on people!!! We as humans need that physical contact and it’s not always sexual!
Gail, what a great job! It’s amazing how things happen in our lives to prepare us for the next step!
June 26, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Wow, I am a teacher also and I am shocked at some of things posted here, especially at Siobhan’s comments. I give hugs all the time, or tap a child on the shoulder if need be to gain their attention…you do for the children what they need. I also taught a boy with PDD-NOS a few years ago and found I needed to put my finger under his chin to look at me and focus on what I was saying to him. If we eliminate all human contact, then how can I properly be doing my job? A teacher, or a volunteer, or any other person working with children is not simply a robot; that would be extremely detrimental to children and society in general.
June 29, 2012 at 10:07 am
My daughter’s little son is just 2, with Autism. She is discovering all the time the different ways he needs to be treated compared to other children and is struggling with his sleep habits, screaming tantrums and everyday stuff. She is also 5 months pregnant and completely worn out most of the time from lack of sleep. We live 1000s of miles apart, so I’m no help but over the phone, so I think your Friday blogs will be a great help to her and me as well. She doesn’t really have the time to sit and read (usually 5 mins here and there) so I plan to do the reading and relaying whenever I can. Thank you Gail for your informative and learning side of things based on actual experience. I first heard of you many years ago with your simplified ways of managing finance, so this is a HUGE plus for her, her husband and me right now.
June 29, 2012 at 7:18 pm
I have a 22 year old son with autism. It’s been a long road, but he’s doing great, and I couldn’t be a prouder mother of my wonderful boy who has such a big heart and an even bigger smile, delighting in the simple things in life that we overlook, while he struggles to understand the social complexities of this world we live in. The people at his school growing up -teachers and assistants, as well as his peers and their parents – made my son’s experience outstanding in many ways. It was like he was in a warm, fuzzy bubble for all his school years. I will always be grateful for those who reached out and showed how much they cared for my son and supported him. We need more people in this world who aren’t afraid to show affection and help our children know that the world can be a kind place. Bravo, Gail! I always knew we were like-minded in money… but now to find out what an understanding compassionate heart you have for people who have exceptional challenges, makes me want to be your friend!