Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
Posted by Gail | Filed under Parenting 101
I’m sometimes amused when I watch parents dealing with a child melting down in a store. I was at the supermarket when a little girl screamed her way through the check-out. I’ve never had to deal with a screaming kid in public, so I watch with interest each time I see it to see how parents cope. These parents kept telling her that they had already bought her something, and that was that. She kept it up (they were in front of me in the line, but I switched lines) and I could still hear her bellowing as I left the store.
Alex and I were in Zellers and she decided to pull the kid’s power play. I asked her to stop, she wouldn’t. If I remember correctly, she was about three, maybe four. Anyhoo, I sat her down on the floor and sat in front of her. Then I leaned in very close and said in a low and very firm voice, “Okay, if this is how you’re going to behave when we go out together, then I just won’t take you out. You’ll stay home when I have things to do. I will leave you at home ALL THE TIME. Is that what you want?”
She shook her head from side to side as she tried to control her sobbing. “What are you teaching me when you behave like this?” Her big eyes just looked up at me, brimming with tears. “You’re teaching me that I can’t take you out. Is that what you want me to learn?” She shook her head from side to side.
I pulled her into my lap and gave her a big hug until she regained her composure. Yes, people looked at us, but this wasn’t about what people were thinking, this was about my little girl realizing that she had to make some choices about her behaviour.
A couple of years ago Alex and I were at a friend’s house for dinner. Their little boy wanted apple juice. He went on and on and on and on about the apple juice, whining and crying and throwing himself backward in his mom’s arms. Finally his dad gave in and said, “I’ll just run out and get some juice. I’ll be right back.”
On our way home Alex said to me, “Hey Mom, you’d never have given in on the apple juice.”
“No,” said I. “I would have looked you square in the face and said, ‘If you NEVER want to have apple juice again, this is the way to do it. If you don’t stop yelling for the apple juice, I PROMISE YOU I will NEVER, buy apple juice again. It’s your choice. Stop now, and we’ll get you some tomorrow. Keep it up, and say bye-bye to apple juice for good.”
“Yeah,” said Alex grinning, “and you would have stuck to it.”
“Absolutely,” I said. I never believed in threatening my kids. I always knew that the only way to help them was to be honest and consistent. I followed-through on what I said.
One day when Alex and Malcolm were fighting over a toy (they’re 2 ½ years apart), I took the toy away and said, “Every time you fight over a toy, I’m going to take the toy away.” I put the toy up in a cupboard. Alex whined that it wasn’t fair because she had it first and Malcolm just tried to take it. “I don’t care,” I said. “If you fight over a toy, I’ll take it away. Toys are not for fighting over. And I don’t care who had it first, or who wants it next. Fight and it’s gone.” They only tested the rule one more time, then they never fought over a toy (where I could see) again.
One of the golden rules of parenting is, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
June 6, 2012 at 4:44 am
Hallejah! Wish parents would remember that they are PARENTS!
I used to give my children to the count of three to settle down and behave. I never – ever – got to three. Once in awhile I’d resort to town-and-a-half, – two-and -three quarters, )long-drawn-out pause ….) tow-and-seven-eighths,…. you really don’t want me to get to three …..
Never got to three- And – youngest one is in university – it still works! – when she’s being impossible! Always ends with us grinning at each other.
June 6, 2012 at 6:55 am
Great tips on parenting, you sound like my mom.
When my brother was younger, my mom and he were in the bus. My brother wanted McDonalds and my mom said no. They went back and forth until he started to scream on the bus. My mom said okay we’ll go to McDonalds. When they got there, my mom told my brother to order anything he wanted. He ordered a big mac, large fries and a large drink. When the cashier brought the food to the counter, my brother’s mouth began to water because he wanted it so bad. My mom told the cashier that she wouldn’t be needing the food anymore and they walked out of the store. That was the last time he screamed for Mcdonalds again.
June 6, 2012 at 7:07 am
I count to five because it’ll take to four to close the fridge gently and get the heck out of my kitchen. I only had to get to five on the first two days that I implemented the new system, never had to since they realized that five was non-negotiable.
June 6, 2012 at 7:36 am
Easier said than done. Ironically I find it easier to manage the kids in public than at home lol. I tend to give in more at home…I have a challenging 2 yr old (the older two never did as much) so….we pick our battles and she knows who is boss. I don’t mind her flipping out from time to time. Public stuff has never been an issue….even the 2 yr old I simply state the basics and remind her we will leave and she will stay home…she comes around quietly and then I redirect her to something else. No tantrums though….the odd moaning….I think a simple lesson like leaving the store and not making others suffer through the child’s tantrum is best lesson. I disagree on the whole “you’ll never have apple juice again” because smaller children don’t have that recall on why they lost it say, 4 months ago. Just my opinion.
June 6, 2012 at 8:17 am
In these various situations it is important that the child is learning to behave appropriately and consistency is certainly the key. However in public places it is also important to show respect towards others. Fellow shoppers at the grocery store or mall shouldn’t have to put up with screaming or shrieking children. The best thing to do is leave after a fair warning. You may have to leave your cart of groceries behind once but it will probably never happen again.
June 6, 2012 at 8:37 am
I raised 4 sons doing exactly that……said what i meant, meant what i said…and followed through.
June 6, 2012 at 8:44 am
Yup!! Years back when our daughter was small we were in MacDonalds in the lineup. She started creating a fuss and we left. I told her she that if she ever kicked up a fuss when we were out in public we were just leaving and going home and the treat was lost. She never did it again.
June 6, 2012 at 8:47 am
This happened one day with my son while I was shopping with my Mother and Sister who lived on the other side of the province from where I did. ( Each of us had had a 2 hour drive to reaching the shopping area) He was getting completely out of hand and pulling the screaming kid stunt. I tried ignoring him, which often worked ( because if the fit wasn’t getting him anywhere why throw it)– but not this time.
My sister walked over picked him up and carried him out of the store and mall, (telling him he would have to stay in the car until he calmed down.) He was still screaming at the time. She was stopped by a security guard who thought she had abducted the screaming child, as at that point he was screaming for his Mommy. The security guard got my son to calm down enough to ask him who was taking him out of the mall. When he sniffled and said ‘my Aunt Lorri” the guard let them go. That was the last time he ever pulled that stunt and at the time he was probably 2 and a half or 3. He is now 23.
My Mother and I continued our shopping and were rejoined by the now quiet child and Aunt in about 15 minutes.
June 6, 2012 at 8:54 am
Gail, I love the way you handled Alex in the store. You showed respect for your daughter , while letting her know your rule on behaving in public, and you reminded her with your hug that you love her, no matter what.
One of our few rules in the house was “no throwing balls or toys”, we have a backyard for that. The one time they threw a ball (they were 4+5 at the time) I reminded them of the rule, and together we chucked the ball into the garbage can. They have Never done that again (that was 12 years ago).
@Call me what you want even cheap, I LOVE what your mum did. Some people might think its cruel, but she got her point across Very Clearly without yelling, caving in or resorting to violence.
June 6, 2012 at 9:11 am
I LOVE this post. It is so frustrating to see parents give in to whiny little brats.
When my son was about 2.5 years old he had a full out temper tantrum in the middle of the mall. He literally threw himself on the floor with arms and legs thumping, crying, screaming. I stood there and waited. When he had wailed himself out I took his hand and led him out of the mall. I explained that his behavior was completely inappropriate and I would NEVER take him to the mall again if he ever behaved that way. I further explained that treats/toys were not to be expected at every shopping trip. He never again had a tantrum like that.
Part of the problem had been that my mother-in-law would treat him at every shopping trip she took him on, so my son expected that. He soon learned the difference with me.
June 6, 2012 at 9:45 am
I think part of it is that you need to start the way you want to carry on. I have never bought my children toys or chocolate bars or anything other than what was on our list when we went out. We would normally need to get a meal because we would need to drive an hour to go shopping, so that was the treat, it was understood that it was the only treat.
I also don’t think a parent needs to argue with their children. If you never give in your children know not to bug for things because it won’t get them anywhere. But you shouldn’t be an automatic “no” giver either. That’s when you might need to backtrack, and backtracking is never good. Either it is bedtime or it is not. If it is bedtime there is no discussion, get the PJ’s on and get into bed. We had to have story time on the sofa, because then there was a set number of books, and time, and it wasn’t negotiable. When we tried it in bed, there was always “ONE MORE”.
June 6, 2012 at 10:53 am
Embarrassing story. As a toddler I loved to push the cross walk button. Once, coming back from the store, mom wanted to cross quickly because the light was changed, and I didn’t get to push the button. So I threw a tantrum, in the middle of the street. Mom picked me up, kicking and wailing and threw me on the grass on the other side of the street, and let me wail it out before taking me home. I shudder thinking how dangerous that was.
Kudos to you parents who stop the tantrums before they get out of hand. Hoping I can channel you in my future life as a parent.
June 6, 2012 at 11:01 am
I love your story. I always counted to three and never got to three. I sometimes got to 2 and a half. lol. One time when my son was five years old we we in the checkout line in Kmart. There was a little girl that was about 7 years old in the line in front of us. She was having a hissy fit because she wanted some candy.The mother was not saying anything to her. My son looked at me and said, “Mom, that is inappropriate behaviour, isn’t it?” He said it loud enough that the girl and her mother heard it. I told him, “Yes, it is inappropriate behaviour.” The mother turned to me and gave me a very dirty look and I just shrugged my shoulders. I remember being so happy with the realization that my son really does listen to me. I still laugh over that.
June 6, 2012 at 11:22 am
I think all these comments are very inspiring….but also remember that sometimes parents need empathy, not judgment. I wish all parents could read the blog above…sometimes we all need to take a step back and a deep breath. Thank you for allowing me to do that.
June 6, 2012 at 11:28 am
I think your technique is great Gail. But I hesitate to judge anyone with kids when I am out. You never know the backstory, the issues or delays the child may have, the kind of day the parent is having. Most people are good parents who try really hard, and we all have bad days. Disapproving glances from the crowd when you are dealing with a kid who could be acting up for a number of reasons (which may or may not be attributed to bad parenting) is never helpful and often just makes it worse.
June 6, 2012 at 11:35 am
Wow
I wish that I had the patience that some of you do.
We have daughters we raised, loved, nurtured and supported
as they have grown into great adults
I would say no maybe once maybe twice…then they would
get a swatt on there backsides.
I tell them both to ths day that I will pay for any counselling…lol
June 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm
In my opinion, if the rule is that you’re counting to 3, then start add in halfs, quarters and eights, you’re no longer counting to 3. So your kids have figured out that they can push that limit because you don’t want to have to follow through with the consequences.
The best that I’d ever seen of the counting method was over a a friends house. Her kids starting fighting and were given a time out and mom started counting. There must be consequences because as mom counted higher the one daughter finally cried out, “Stop counting, I’m going!”
June 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm
My son and his family were at a McDonald’s in a WalMart recently, when his not quite 3 year old daughter noticed a kid at a nearby table get his toy BEFORE he had to eat his Happy Meal! Hadley decided she wanted hers too, and kicked up a fuss over her food, to the point of swatting her fries on to the floor. My son took her out of the high chair and retreated to the men’s room for a time out so his wife and older daughter could continue eating. A man actually followed him into the bathroom and wondered “if there was a problem”? Jason was quieting Hadley down and trying to explain their rules – again. The stranger must have figured that because Jason is 6 ft 4 and over 200 pounds that he was going to beat his little girl??? When they returned to the table to try again, Hadley again threw a fit, Jason took his meal and the toddler out to their minivan, again leaving his wife and other daughter to eat in peace. Again, he was followed!!! The man’s wife came up to Kristen, informed her that her husband was a retired cop and that my son was going to be arrested for child abuse!!! Personally, I much prefer a parent remove a screaming, misbehaving child if there is no way to console them in public, than have them ruin my meal. The fact that this busybody would not leave my son alone did not sit well with his wife and she not too politely told the woman where to get off the bus! There are limits and boundaries, and some people have no right to cross them. My children always knew the best way NOT to get something was to pester me for everything they saw. I can honestly say that not one of my three sons ever threw a tantrum in a store for some desired treat, and I admire my one son’s parenting skills – after all, he learned from an ‘expert”!! lol
June 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm
I have a 16 month old that I find very hard to deal with. when I take her out she wants everything and anything. She walks in a store and starts searching for things to play with. when I try dont let her she starts screaming and crying so loud. She doesnt understand what I tell her and even If i do take her out of mall which I do she will forget soon why we were out of store.
June 6, 2012 at 12:52 pm
she doesnt like playing with toys which makes it really difficult and embarrassing taking her out in public bus. she just wants to get off the stroller and walk in running bus and i dont let her walk so she screams and cries till we get to our destination. and trips are usually 40 min long in bus as it stops to 2 bus stations. any tips to keep her calm in bus would be appreciated.
I sound like a really horrible mom but I try to calm her it just doesnt work. in the bus or out in public I basically do give up on her tantrums as she is young to understand.
June 6, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Awesome. I agree with you. I was fortunate to have two absolutely amazing children. Meltdowns in stores were not our routine either. However, I did want to leave some thoughts. I now am a foster Mum of a child who has very special needs. He appears by all looks to be handsome, intelligent and etc. Unfortunately he has huge issues with comprehension and especially with understanding language. Many times I have people shake their heads at us over different situations. What they do not know—is that what they may assume is not good behavior is in fact a good day as he has overcome loud environment, smells, and frightening situations that he is unable to regulate himself like others. So to the judgmental people in line remember you may not know the whole situation. And as Gail s story–and where she was going with this–AMEN.
June 6, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Gail, have I told you how much I love you?
Thank you for your honesty and keeping us focused.
June 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm
I just love this post. As I grow older I hear more kids screaming at the top of their lungs while out shopping or in a restaurant.
I have two children who are 16 months apart, and while they were little, we’d go to the mall and before we got out of the car, I told them the appropriate rules of behaviour. Which was, if you ask for a treat, you didn’t get one. So, while we were in the stores, they sometimes would ask for a treat (likely just to see if I’d changed my mind), and I’d tell them that they WERE going to get one, but since they asked for one, then they’re out of luck. They’d sometimes ask, but if I don’t tell you I want a treat, how will you know. Kids, they’re so funny, which child doesn’t want a treat. We would sometimes leave the store without a treat. They’d catch on eventually.
I, however, don’t agree with the leaving the mall tactic. I shouldn’t have to leave the store because my child is acting out, my kids wouldn’t do it in the first place. They’d have the wrath of Momma if they did.
When they had a temper tantrum while at home, and there would be stomping up the stairs, they’d get the old “come back down and go back up properly,” consistency is the key.
While my children were growing up, my friends would think this way was too strict and mean, but they’re the first ones to tell me my children are well behaved.
I also use the counting tool. I don’t think I ever got to three. Even when my son was 17 years old and trying to get him out of bed for school, I’d yell until I was blue in the face, then I would do the counting, and he’d be up by two. Worked everytime.
Parents these days need to realize that they’re not doing themselves or their children any favours by not being consistant.
June 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Great advice. I have three daughters and had to leave the grocery store with each one on separate occasions. They would be screaming and flailing in my arms. The ear piercing, blood curdling kind of scream. I didn’t get mad, I just calmly left. If you anticipate the behavior and have a plan of action in mind beforehand it takes the emotion out.
I always meant what I said, gave a warning and then followed through. I thought if I couldn’t control them when they were little, lord help me when they are teenagers. It worked
Another trick I used was to say to them BEFORE we went into the store that they would not be getting a treat. If we went to Toys-R-Us I would say, ‘remember we are here to buy so and so a gift’. Worked like a charm.
At 25, 21, and 19 they are wonderful, non spoiled, hard working young ladies that I love very much and am very proud of. Putting in the work early on definitely pays off!!
June 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm
fabulous advice! we have an only and when he was little we would go out to eat in a certain place somewhat regularly. He was always good because he loved eating there. One night, at about 3, he started pulling a stunt of not listening, playing with the wooden window shutters and trying to turn over the booth to look at other people. he wouldn’t listen so my husband took him to the car while I had the staff package our already prepared but not served yet food for us to take home. the manager was so appreciative that we didn’t ruin the dinner for all other patrons and we’ve been back many times over the years….never was an issue again. Oh, and did I mention our son begged and pleaded to stay, that he’d behave etc.? We didn’t give in so we never HAD to eat take out at home instead of a restaurant meal again and we’re still welcomed with a smile.
June 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm
@Pauline…I can’t stand parents like you. Self righteous, rude and judgmental .How dare you not only judge that mom and her child’s behaviour, but teach your son to behave equally judgmental in public and then be proud of him? Wow.
June 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Recently we decided on the spur of the moment to go out for a sushi supper – a favorite for all 4 of us. My kids are 2.5 and 6 years old. DH and I were driving separate vehicles from work, so we met at home. Found out DS had had an accident so had to go inside to get him changed. DD was already tired (cutting out naps) and hungry so I stayed with her to talk to her and keep her calm. Nonetheless, en route to the restaurant, they both started having tantrums about various small fixable things. I even pulled the van over once to talk to them and try to calm them down. I told them that if they couldn’t calm down, we would not be going to the restaurant. They pushed it for a couple more blocks … and then I turned the van around. We did in fact go home, in spite of their pleas to go out for supper. Because I thought fatigue, hunger, embarassment (at having an accident) and the little things that set them off in the van were all factors, I was careful not to say that it was anyone’s fault. I just pointed out that they were obviously not in a good mood, and that it would lead me DH and me being in bad moods, so we would try again later. In the few months since, there have been no bad moods going to (or once getting to) restaurants! LOL
June 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm
When my daughter was young and would pull a tantrum in public I would sit down put her on my lap facing me, with her arms and legs tucked gently, but firmly, under my arms. I’d wrap her in a firm but gentle hug and just whisper in her ear that when she was ready to settle down and give me a hug, I’d let her go. The first time I did this it took about 5 minutes (though it felt like 30) for her to settle down and give me a hug. Over time, she’d ask for a hug when she started to feel herself go in to meltdown mode. I’m proud to say she is now 21 and well adjusted. Though she has no children of her own, she spends time with 3 autistic children and has actually used that method with them as well and really loves the way it works.
June 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm
When my son was little he learned a hurry that not good to pull a tantrum and think you will get away with it. He pulled one in shopping mall and immediately received a crack on the butt (he had a diaper on – I know OMG she slaped her son- thats right my son) Anyways, as he aged I would change that to the threat of going to ladies room – boys hate that. Today my seventeen year old is very well mannered and doesnt have the “wants” all the time. He knows the value of a dollar and if he wants something expensive he knows that its comes with doing chores and time. I only ever had to give him a whack once in his life. Now when we go into a restaurant and he hears ill-behaved children he knows I will leave. If I could control mine what is wrong with others. You are in public for God sakes. Others in restaurants want to enjoy their meal without hearing whining & screaming children. They are also paying good money and would to enjoy their dinners. Think about that next time you are in restaurant and there is whining or screaming children and parents ignoring them hoping they will settle down- what gives them more right than the next people without children.
June 6, 2012 at 2:09 pm
I am aghast that parents love this advice. I love your financial advice Gail, but I don’t always think your parenting writing is well thought out.
The general rule – “mean what you say and say what you mean” is sound. I wouldn’t have run out for apple juice unless I had specifically promised it as something important and forgot. And I wouldn’t do it in the face of a wild tantrum or rudeness.
But can you really mean it when you say “behave like that once and I’ll never get you apple juice again”. How long is never? If your child is now in high school and asks for apple juice do you say no? Is a year enough? Is five? What if one child in the family throws the fit and another child doesn’t? Does no one ever get apple juice again? Do you buy it but never let the child who threw the tantrum get juice? Seems like something that will evolve into an empty threat. Woe be to the person who tries this on a stubborn child who has a good memory!
The idea that you simply say no to running out for more is completely sound. But the threat that you’ll never take them out or never buy apple juice is silly. Of course you’re going to take your child out again! Seriously, you were really NEVER going to take your daughter out anywhere ever if she acted up again?
Maybe you’d curtail her outings until she learned to behave herself. But that isn’t the same thing and it’s not what you claim to have said. And that may not be a punishment. (Though it could be one…) It may simply be a recognition that a child isn’t ready to be out in such situations if she cannot be polite.
And frankly, what if a child throws a fit because he doesn’t want to go to the store or he’s tired and wants to go home? What’s a parent supposed to do then?
I was always told that you shouldn’t make the consequence something too far reaching. Never say never. Never say always. And make it something you can concretely enforce in a short period.
The toy thing also bothers me. It may work for some children and some situations. But it’s not a catchall. And I’m not a huge fan of ME solving problems between siblings by imposing rules of fairness as I see them. Relationships between siblings are complex and can’t always be reduced to a simple formulaic rule.
For some kids allowing such an argument play out is a way to let them negotiate problems in their own relationship. Yes, it may take longer and may happen more often, but it MAY also provide long term benefits in helping them establish a sibling relationship independent of parental negotiation. Your rule solves the immediate argument, but doesn’t always solve the general issues around sibling differences or rivalries. And one child could easily use this rule as a way to manipulate the situation to have toys taken away from another child. Children are more clever than many give them credit. Instead I prefer to watch, listen and try to understand why certain patterns (like fighting over toys) appear. It’s not always clear cut and it’s not always easy to help children negotiate a successful relationship with others. Sometimes helping children into a good relationship is more important than immediate goals of peace and quiet. (And sometimes not…)
June 6, 2012 at 2:30 pm
My little one was a charmer,and used smiles and politeness(in the eyes of everyone who didn’t know her)to try to get what she wanted.
One time we were at the grocery store in the line next to all the chocolate bars. “momma, can i please have a chocolate bar?” “not today” I said. “but its just one little chocolate bar” says my doll. and all the other patrons are looking at me like “just give the sweet thing a chocolate bar” “NO” says momma bear. But the polite asking would not stop and the cashier went so far as to say i should just give her the chocolate bar. So that is exactly what i did, I bought her the chocolate bar, put it in her charming little hands and asked the cashier if she happened to have a garbage can behind her till. She handed the small can over to me not realizing that i was about to make my little one throw away her ill-gotten gains. the look on both their faces was priceless and the lesson it taught my little one is still brought up to this day (14 years later)
June 6, 2012 at 2:34 pm
April, I agree. While the child’s comment was likely innocent, Pauline’s was not. I would have simply told him we could talk about it later in private. Because some conversations should happen in private and that seems like one. And then told him that yes, the girl was being inappropriate, but he was not to point out bad behavior in others but we could talk about it privately if he wanted. Because isn’t it equally rude to insult people in public?
June 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm
I love this, Gail. These are rules I have with my own kids, and they do work! My kids know the “you don’t share it, you lose it” rule, and they’re usually the first to be willing to share with their peers, even at 3 and 4. Sure, they go through phases where they’re finding which buttons they can get away with pushing, but they’re short-lived, because we make it pretty easy for them to figure out what they can and cannot get away with. It’s being consistent, simple as that (not *easy*, mind you, but simple). And I’m a big believer in the philosophy of consistency. I think it has benefits beyond discipline, but that it goes to the heart of children’s feelings of security.
June 6, 2012 at 3:50 pm
I have no kids myself but my sister has three who are 6 years and under. She’s a great Mother but her kids do behave badly at times. Her eldest in particular seems to find it very challanging to maintain good behaviour as he’s so curious and defiant. Their tantrums in public aren’t common but certainly aren’t as infrequent as once or twice. I think no parent needs to be judged whilst dealing with a tantrum. After all not everyone has the same “defy me at your peril” aura that Gail and some others can radiate when necessary.
June 6, 2012 at 4:49 pm
This reminds me of a mother who said to her child in the supermarket: “You KNOW I don’t like to be embarrassed in public. This is the only warning I’ll ever give you.”
He shut right up…
June 6, 2012 at 5:10 pm
There are lots of good ideas here today. Leaving the store or restaurant when your child is having a tantrum and making a lot of noise is one of the best. It is very inconsiderate to subject others to this loud display and it is an effective method to help children learn suitable public behaviour. I can’t imagine riding to work in the morning on the bus or subway and having to listen to a screaming child. Many people like to read or do some prep work and poorly behaved kids make this impossible.
June 6, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Part of this is knowing when to NOT take your child to a restaurant, event, grocery shopping etc. I work in a performing arts centre and for every show there is at least someone who wants to bring their small child(1-6 year old) to a 3 hour play or concert that they will have no interest in and not be able to sit still or quietly through. Please don’t subject others to a possible tantrum if you know it’s something your kid cannot handle. We can’t always say no I can’t go grocery shopping today because my kid is tired or hungry but you can a lot of times postpone it until later after they’ve had a snack or a nap. If you’re cranky grocery shopping because you haven’t had anything to eat why would you expect your child not to be. If you can’t eat dinner at home with your child causing a fuss what makes you think eating out in public is going to be any different. I think more parents need to think about other people when dealing with their children. Are kids never going to have a tantrum NO but at least you can have your kids impact the happiness of others and yourself if you think about what they can handle before taking them out.
June 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm
My daughter is almost 2 and we have to start meaning what we say for sure!
Thanks for the tips!
It’s amasing at 2 what they understand!
June 6, 2012 at 9:38 pm
I love this message. I think a lot of young parents need to hear it.. I think that’s primarily whats wrong with the youth today. Thinking they are entitled because there parents son know how to say no.
June 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm
@Pauline…I love parents like you. I Do Not think you are self righteous, rude or judgmental. You will most likely (hopefully) never encounter that woman and her child again but will see your son always. No matter what other parents might post about it, the fact is your son was Listening to you. He knows what behavior is Appropriate in public and he learned it from you. I’m so glad you are proud of him!
I bet the other people in line were in Total Agreement with your son’s observation!!
June 6, 2012 at 10:43 pm
My kids know they aren’t getting anything at a store unless they have their money. This solved so many outing issues. My husband feels guilty for not buying them treats. Allowance killed two birds with one stone. It takes the guilt and emotion out of it. When they asked we reply “Do you have any money?”
They are at an age now where I ask them what the consequence should be for their transgression. They are way harder on themselves than I am. It gets them thinking and self reflection is important.
I have yet to master getting an ADHD boy to get ready quickly for school
June 7, 2012 at 11:14 am
My niece is getting pretty bad…she’s only just past three years old, and she gets very vocal when she doesn’t get what she wants. I wish her parents were more consistent with her—they say to her, if you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get dessert. Okay, I am good with that. But then the kid still refuses to eat, and ten minutes later, they ask her if she wants dessert! WTH?
They say she’s a “fussy” eater, but they keep ASKING her if she wants this or that….why the heck would you ASK a kid what she wants to eat? Given a choice, she’ll choose junk! Which she does, every time. Do you want broccoli? No. Do you want a carrot? NO. Do you want Goldfish crackers/gummy fruit snacks/dessert? Hell yes!!
She’s also one of those kids who wants everything when they go into a store. Not sure why her parents don’t implement some of the techniques listed here, as they seem like common sense to me—if the kid is being a whiny little brat, then leave. Go home. Show them that whiny, bratty behaviour is unacceptable. But no. They just complain about it.
My niece is also one of those who whines and makes shrill, horrible noises in restaurants. But her parents never remove her from the situation—they just let her do it. Gah!
And I’m sorry, but nine times out of ten, that whiny horrid child is NOT special needs. He/she is just a product of ignorant parents who have no clue how to handle the behaviour. So yes, I am afraid I will be one of those who gives dirty looks to the parent of the screaming child. Get over it.
June 7, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I agree flynnycat. Blessings to the kindergarten teacher who gets your niece. I was just helping with a K class this year and ohhhh my. Kids that have never had ‘No’ enforced, or any rules, really … its a tough year for them and their teacher. I drive school bus and lots of people ask me about all the ‘cute kindergarten’ kids – if I had my choice I’d not have them. Kindergarten kids can be the mouthiest ones on the entire bus and they struggle to stay in their seat. My special needs kids are awesome, and have awesome parents too. Rules/routines seem to be taught more aggressively in households with the special kids. Parents are not doing a service to anyone in the community by not being consistent with discipline.
June 7, 2012 at 9:06 pm
I believe that our job as parents is to teach our kids how to survive in the “Real World” not in the fantasy land of “i Want”.
@Flynnycat, I’ve got a 3 year old niece just like yours. She likes to make this horrid noise that my sister thinks sounds like an “adorable Baby Teradactyl” !! Really?
We were out at a restaurant with our whole family(13 people) and she started making the screeching sound. I gently pointed out to my sister that the kid was disturbing the other patrons and she gave me a dirty look and told me everyone thinks its Cute?? on what planet?
We don’t have family meals in restaurants anymore!
June 8, 2012 at 2:00 am
I agree, if you set a limit you cannot give in.
But at the same time, a child needs to hear more than just “stop whining” they need to lean to express their emotions in positive ways. They need to have empathy and be soothed so they can learn to soothe themselves. And they need to know that having and expressing their emotions are okay, and that even though they are screaming messes of sadness and fear, that you love them and you can handle it.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/toddler-tantrums
June 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm
When I worked retail, I saw quite a lot of tantrums. Once, a teenager was pressing her very frustrated mother to buy her a pair of $55 jeans. I could tell the mother was about to give in, so I told the daughter that we were hiring. I also ler her know that we were willing to be flexible around her school schedule, and handed her an application. Her mother gave me the biggest smile, but the daughter looked at me like she wanted to kill me. Totally worth it.