Allowances: The Strings Attached
Posted by Gail | Filed under Kids & Money
One of the most hotly debated issues when it comes to kids and their allowances is the idea of what an allowance should be tied to. Most people have no difficultly with the idea that before kids can learn to manage money they first need to be able to get their hands on some. But when it comes to what we should require of our children in exchange for an allowance, well that’s where we often part company with friends, neighbours and sometimes even our spouses.
Some people feel an allowance should have no strings attached. Others think it should be tied to chores in the home, school grades or even behaviour as in, “If you don’t smarten up, I’ll cut off your allowance!”
Just as the allowance debate is strongly pro and con on the idea of attaching strings, so too is the debate about whether or not kids should work for their money. Some parents feel that school is a child’s job, and any other work detracts from potential success at school. Others think that a part-time job is perfectly fine, while still others believe that a part-time job is essential because it begins the development of a good work ethic.
I’m of the school that believes that allowances should come with no strings attached, and that it’s perfectly fine for children to get a part-time job to supplement their allowance – not to replace it – when they get older.
Think about why you’re giving your kid an allowance. The objective should be to teach her money-management skills. The fact that you work hard for your money will be brought home when your child learns relative value – how many hours she has to work to afford that outfit.
The biggest problem in tying your child’s allowance to the completion of his routine chores comes on the day when you must withdraw the allowance. Now you’re teaching your child, “I have the money and you’ll have to do as I say to get some of it!” That’s a straight-out power play. “I have the money, so I have the power.” Ouch, not a lesson I want my children to learn. A far better tack for children who don’t follow through on household responsibilities is to do a like-for-like comparison. “Matt, if you don’t make your bed, I’m going to have to. And I only have time to do one thing, make your bed or make your lunch. Which one do you want to do?”
The strings attached to the money you got as a child will have a strong bearing on the strings you attach to your children’s money. We know our money history plays a big part in our money personalities. Perhaps you were never given an allowance and had to work for every penny you got. Or perhaps your parents’ strong work ethic was a point of great pride in your family. If you had to put yourself through college or university working at the local carwash on weekends and waiting tables at night, this will no doubt colour the way you look at money in general. If your allowance was tied to chores, or you were required to save all the money received as gifts, you may see that as the “normal way to do things”.
Whatever your own experiences with money as a child, try to put them aside as you begin to teach your children how money works and the role it should play in their lives. To ensure money is not imbued with meanings it shouldn’t have, don’t tie things like self-esteem, power or love to money. Stay balanced when you talk about it. And, above all, figure out what message you want your children to get from your money lessons. For, consciously or not, they are learning all about money from you.
May 17, 2012 at 7:00 am
I was not raised on an allowance and nor was my husband so this has been a trial-and-error experience for us. I came to child-rearing as a step-parent when the children were 10, 15 and 16. The two oldest quickly got themselves part-time work and the youngest was given an allowance.
Fast forward 6 years – the two oldest are living on their own and supporting themselves and the 16-year shares time with her mom and dad.
She is being raised in two homes and we try to keep the rules fairly consistent. In our house, she must make her bed each day, keep her room tidy and contribute to each meal either by helping make it, setting the table or doing the dishes. If she doesn’t complete these systematically, she doesn’t get her allowance.
We have a chores jar and she can do extra chores and earn some money. Each chore has a dollar value assigned to them so she can do chores based on how much money she wants to earn or how much effort she wants to put into doing the work. She can’t get paid for a money chore if core chores are not complete. Last week she was super motivated to earn some pocket money for an upcoming trip with her mom so she picked two big chores and earned herself some good coin. Win-win for all of us!
What we haven’t been consistent with and we’re hoping will change when she gets a part-time job is how she saves and spends her money. She goes through phases of lots of saving followed by lots of spending. We’d like to see her contribute to her own education and set up some life skills for how she’ll treat money later on.
So much to learn!
May 17, 2012 at 7:13 am
I know if my mom said she only had time to make the bed or lunch I”d say lunch 10/10! Kids don’t care about making the bed
I knew my parents had no money, I started my first summer job at 12 and was responsible for most of my own spending money from that point on.
May 17, 2012 at 7:31 am
My worry with just giving them the allowance is that they won’t learn that money doesn’t just appear but must be earned. I struggle with this.
May 17, 2012 at 7:35 am
Our kids are only toddlers but I have started the laundry chore with them. They are responsible for putting their clean clothes in their own drawers and they get the biggest kick out of being in charge of that. They also LOVE putting Daddy’s socks away in the sock drawer. When I tell them to pick up their toys and they don’t I say “I said put them away, it wasn’t a question.”
I like the chore jar for extra stuff but the basics are non-optional. They’re going to get an allowance and when it comes time for big things like Christmas and back to school we’ll give them a larger amount and make them responsible for all the purchases.
May 17, 2012 at 7:57 am
I cringe whenever I hear about parents tying an allowance, or extra reward money, to good marks at school. Some children will never get good grades at school because it is beyond their ability to get an A or B, or even a C. This is especially cruel when one child receives money for getting a good report card while the sibling, who may work very hard and still do poorly, gets nothing.
Capable students who do well should be motivated by their success, not a bigger allowance or financial reward.
May 17, 2012 at 8:06 am
Gail you make some great points, but I think if allowance is tied to chores the child learns that they have to work to get paid, which prepares them for the real world. If you make their bed for them if they don’t make it won’t they expect someone to make it for them when they get older?
“I have the money, so I have the power.” I never quite thought of it that way, but it’s true. When you work for a company, if you don’t do what they say, you’re fired. So they do have the power. If there is good communication between the parent and the child, the power play won’t be an issue. It’s important to explain to the child why they are required to do chores and why they’re getting paid to do them.
May 17, 2012 at 9:08 am
Our daughters (16+17) each get $100 a month allowance. It sounds like a lot, but that money has to pay for TTC tickets to school, clothes, school outings, textbooks and whatever else they want. One daughter walks to school and pockets the bus money, the other uses hers for the bus.Their money, their choice.
They both work Part Time and have both banked that cash and not touched it. We will buy them a new winter coat every two years and the same for winter boots.(I wear mine for several years, so can they). The amount they have for the coats and boots is a predetermined set amount (what I would pay for boots for me) and if they want Uggs or whatever the flavour of the year is, they pay the difference.
They do not have to make their beds. If on the day the vacuuming is being done, the floor can`t be seen for the stuff, it doesn`t get vacuumed. If company is coming over, and their rooms are messy, I shut the door. 3 or 4 times a year they get fed up with their own mess and clean it up themselves without my saying a thing. Right or wrong, I believe their rooms are just that, Their Rooms, and they can do what they want.
They both have set chores that they do around the house which are not tied to the allowance, but part of being in our family.(just like when I do work around the house).
My husband is home now after surgery and unable to do much of anything. It will be like this for 4-6 weeks. Both girls have been given more Chores that are usually done by my husband (garbage,lawn mowing, vacuuming, weeding etc) and they are doing them without gripe. One of the girls did ask if she could get $5 every time she did the lawn?
I said nope. She smiled and said “I had to give it a try”.
May 17, 2012 at 9:09 am
My allowance was definitely tied to being a “playing member of the team” and it seemed to work well. I don’t remember it ever being taken away. We did it differently with our daughter, assigning an amount that would cover certain activities she enjoyed plus a little extra for herself to do as she pleased with. Money for her savings account came from her weekend walks around campus with her dad picking up beer bottles and turning them in at the store. Money was not tied to performance.
May 17, 2012 at 9:16 am
We tried tying the allowance to chores, but that gives the kids the power to not do chores (if they don’t want or need the money, they don’t do the chores). We don’t get paid for chores, so why should the kids (doing chores is part of being a good member of the family)? I’m talking about the usual stuff around the house they should do (making beds, putting away their stuff, etc.). So we gave them a small allowance, told them they had to do their chores (not tied to money–just something they had to do) and then offered them extra money for extra chores that I would be normally be doing (washing windows, etc.). That worked out well and both kids also took on part-time work once they were 14-16. They’re almost 28 and 30 now and very responsible financially.
May 17, 2012 at 9:38 am
I echo Linda’s thoughts about tying allowance/rewards to marks. I have had more than one child say “My mom/dad says that if I get all A’s then they will give me $x. Parents have said it too. I brush that off by saying that I do not believe in doing that for my own children.
May 17, 2012 at 10:00 am
Since my family ran a business, money was always tied to work for me-no allowance. As a very young kid we would go in to ‘tidy’ the office or wipe counters, and then we would get paid. Since the whole family went to work in the evenings, weekends, and holidays, it was always presented that the money was ours because we earned it, and that everyone always works because that’s what people do. I don’t imagine that I will own a business but I intend to do the same with my kids-as you say, Gail, how we’re raised totally colors our perception. Even very young kids can ‘work’ in an age appropriate way that is more than household chores, and it builds skills, confidence, and independant thinking. When they’re very young they’ll help me or family (chores won’t count), and that way they’re prepped for working when they’re older. I know that I am proud of how hard I work at my. Atopic jobs, an I’ve always liked the feeling of being useful that working brings, and I want to share that with my kids.
May 17, 2012 at 10:01 am
*at my various jobs;)
May 17, 2012 at 10:11 am
Okay, my kid’s only two, so we’re a little bit away from this (he mostly just thinks that “monies” are fun things that make a nice noise when he puts them in his piggy bank), but I strongly believe there’s no right or wrong way for all of this, but that the really important thing is talking about it. It’s when we’re secretive & elusive about money that the real problems happen.
I promise, if you’re worrying about teaching your kids about money & you’re doing something / anything about it? You’re already miles ahead of other folks.
May 17, 2012 at 10:45 am
I guess it won’t be working for every penny, but nickel
May 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm
I grew up with the family business, and never got an allowance. At age 8, I started working, just a few hours or so on the weekend, and earned a paycheque. It was a way to spend time with my family and contribute. Half of what I earned was saved for my education, and the other half I got to spend as I pleased.
I learned that you had to work for money, and I think that has served me well.
May 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Our weekend allowance was tied to our rooms being tidy on Friday evening to our mom’s satisfaction. Chores (mainly setting the table and loading/unloading the dishwasher) weren’t really tied to our allowance per se, but obligatory depending on whose turn it was.
I don’t see anything wrong with the carrot and stick method of allowance. It kept our rooms more or less clean and taught us about reward for work?
May 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm
As mentioned before, the problem with carrot and stick approach is when the child decides they don’t need the money so they choose not to do the chore. This happened in our house when our kids got money for birthdays or other events or if they cut a neighbour’s grass and were flush with cash for the week. If the deal is – do the chore or you don’t get your allowance, they choose to forego the allowance. We ran into that a time or two and it caused great battles.
On hindsight (and we’re doing this with our youngest) we require certain chores to be done ‘just because that’s what happens in a household’ and they get their allowance and they get extra money for jobs outside every day chores. This has stopped the battles and the power plays in our house.
May 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm
This whole discussion makes me happy i don’t have children i could mess up.
May 17, 2012 at 5:07 pm
We received allowance with no strings attached until we were of an age that we could legally work part-time and then we were expected to go get a part time job after school for our own discretionary money. My parents gave us a clothing allowance every month (it wasn’t much, like $30 maybe) but we had to budget for everything, including upcoming bigger clothing expenses. It taught me a great deal about budgeting and saving for planned spending that you can easily anticipate, such as new shoes in the fall, etc. I find it kind of sad when parents don’t encourage their high school aged children to work. Not only did I learn a great deal about working for money (and min. wage feels like a lot of money when you don’t have any fixed expenses as a teen!), but it kept me out of trouble, able to get my high social needs met while working with other teens every night. Instead of being out partying and drinking or doing drugs, I was at McDonald’s every night, hanging out with other hard working kids my age and learning a solid work ethic. I know it’s not always an option for struggling students, but academics always came fairly easily to me so I never really bought the story that it would affect a teen’s ability to meet their school goals. Most kids I know who didn’t work were not at home studying more than me, they were just out partying and wasting time playing video games or watching TV or whatever.
The only thing I plan to change with my own son, is being more open about the real cost of living. I remember having absolutely no idea how much it cost to run a household, and it never seemed like something I was allowed to ask. When my son is old enough (like maybe 10?) and at the point of questioning why we can’t afford something, I will sit him down and show him our budget. Because really, our budget is simple enough to be considered grade 4 math. How eye opening it would have been if I actually knew what my mom meant when she said that she had to pay the mortgage!
May 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm
I think if and how you give an allowance to your child is a personal choice. Incomes very from family to family, as do values and priorities. Modeling how to manage money is different. We all have a responsibility to try to be a good role model to children so that hopefully, they will succeed.
I have struggled with Gail’s suggestion of how much to give my children for an allowance because it just doesn’t fit in with how we do things. I’ve finally realized that’s okay, because they manage the money they receive just fine. It helps that they are not interested in “stuff” and are quite happy with all of the free hand me downs and my bargain shopping deals. They really don’t have much need for money at all.
May 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm
I agree with Cas. We’re pretty loose on the whole allowance thing. We don’t give it but my dad, their grandpa, gives them (3 girls) money each week. They bank it here at home, my 12 yr old is becoming very tight with her money and using it for things she wants and saving the rest. My 8 yr old negotiates with me how much she can afford for her fave toys…and she gets what she wants and saves the rest, but has learned just how much these prized toys cost and when the bank is low, she gets nothing. they both offer up their grandpa change to help pay parking meters for their swim lessons etc….or when mama needs spare change. It’s teaching them the value without me and my husband forcing lessons down their young throats. the 8 yr old has insisted now that after a couple of family events where they each got alot of money, that she now be allowed to open her own bank account to save. The older one agreed to bank her large bills in hers. I’m proud.
May 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm
I got an allowance with no-strings, but a bonus for bringing home good marks (I considered that “silly money” to blow on whatever I fancied) or doing chores that I didn’t have to do. Getting that new bicycle meant to volunteer for a lot of wood-chopping.
My first attempts to work outside the home at age 13 or 14 led to me being ripped off big time … First time, I made about 60 cent for eight hours of hard work in the summer heat, second time they conveniently “forgot” that they promised to pay me. Taught me to pay very close attention to these things.
May 17, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I received an allowance for less than a year at about 12 years old. I worked for money as soon as I was 13 babysitting that then led to “regular” jobs when older. We didn’t have much so that actually went into the family pot for every day living, I had no savings or money skills when I left for University. I had worked very hard (full time at 15 plus school) but had never really had money at my disposal.
We have started doing allowance at our house and use the Gail system for kids. Since we have only one it’s not too much $ from our budget on a weekly basis and he’s learning delayed gratification and principles of saving. So far, so good and hopefully he’ll avoid the money pitfalls that had us learn the hard way as adults.
May 18, 2012 at 7:31 pm
I didn’t get an allowance til I was in high school and no money management really started til then I think. My mom and I would go school shopping and she would say ‘there is x amount for pants, if you get one pair or five is up to you.’ The allowance wasn’t much. I got ten dollars a week which didn’t include clothes or school supplies (there was a separate amount for that) In hindsight though, peers who got more for allowance, or got a daily allowance were often in more trouble I found. Some of my friends would get five dollars a day, and that would be spent on smokes or drugs or takeout every day. It makes me weary of allowances, although I know they are a great thing for kids. Daily allowances are especially dangerous. It doesn’t offer any sense of saving for important things or planning ahead. At least I knew if there was something I wanted to do taht weekend I would pack a lunch all that week.
My son is only a baby yet, but I really worry about how to teach money right. Money was hardly ever brought up to us, especially in terms of the household.
May 18, 2012 at 9:05 pm
There are always strings attached to money. “Free money” is misleading to kids as it doesn’t work like that in the real world. You don’t do your job, you lose your job and the income along with it. Some kids don’t mature as early as others. When they want the money, and are ready to learn, they will do what’s needed to earn it. I stopped giving my daughter her allowance when I got tired of reminding her to complete her share of the household responsibilities. I will be reinstating her allowance as of her 9th birthday next month, to see if she is ready yet for the lesson.
May 19, 2012 at 11:52 am
I disagree with Aimee. By definition, an allowance is something that is given, much like the government gives Mother’s Allowance. The mother doesn’t work for the government in return… it’s an allowance. As such, there were no strings attached to our daughter’s allowance. She was given it to learn to manage money. She did chores around the house because she lived here. She also started working part-time at 12 because she wanted to make more money and has always been fiscally responsible.
May 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm
I don’t consider the mother’s allowance my money. It goes straight into my kids’ RESP’s for when they are older, and I’ve never touched a cent. Everyone has a different view, and different strategies work for different families.
May 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm
I don’t think an allowance should be tied to household chores as I think that everyone living in a household should contribute to daily chores as they all live there, no one is going to pay you to clean your house when you grow up. But I am also against just handing out money. I earn my money and my children need to learn money is earned, not just handed out. I will likely do what my inlaws did, living on a farm they gave their children a set amount of money each month and called it their wage for working on the farm and my husband and his sister had to use it to buy some of their needs such as clothes, as well as their wants and this taught them to all be very responsible with their money.
May 22, 2012 at 9:57 am
i give my 9 year old an allowance every week but she is aware that the amoutn must be divided in her jars and that she is now responsible to purchase her underwear and socks. i gotta say, she’s really good about it.
May 22, 2012 at 10:53 pm
We started giving allowances about 3 years ago, when our older two were 9 and 7. I gave them a set amount for clothing and school expenses, and a varying amount for mad money, charity and savings. The varying amount was, and is still, based on how much I work. Being a part time worker, my pay varies. The kids love it when I work less, but one of the consequences of having me home more is a smaller allowance. They get their allowance with no strings attached (meaning they do not “earn” it), but there ARE strings attached in the sense that they are learning that the less mama works, the less money that is available for everything, including their allowances. They get it, so while they themselves are not “working for money”, they understand completely that someone has to work for our money. That fact is NOT LOST because it isn’t them working for it. In fact, I believe it makes them more appreciative of the time I do spend at home with them rather than out working. Given the choice between getting no allowance and having me home all the time, or getting a large allowance but having me work full time, they all would choose having me home.
But more importantly, they are learning how to manage their money with a budget – thinking ahead to upcoming needed purchases, holding back a set amount for “emergencies”, and also learning how to say no because there isn’t enough money in their budget for everything they might want. Overall, it’s been totally a win-win for all involved.
August 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm
When we started giving our daughter an allowance we made it very clear to her that it would be given on MONDAYS only. That way she had to be careful through the week if she wanted to go to the mall on the weekend.