Are you a Gentlewoman?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Thinking Out Loud
Just before Christmas last year, a young friend of mine (she’s just turned 21) sent me a link to an article about the difference between a Lady and a Gentlewoman and said she had thought of me. I read the article and was very flattered. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Why is it that so many women focus so much on things that are less about Gentlewomanly things like being strong and responsible and more about being shallow and agreeable Ladies?
Why do women act like martyrs? “Oh, no, no, you have the last (whatever)…. I’ll be fine.” I was at lunch one day with my crew when we were served very sad looking salads. Three of us had the same salad, which was supposed to be robust because the price tag was $24. I asked the waitress to bring the manager.
When the manager arrived I said, “This salad may be a $7.99 salad, but it certainly isn’t the $24 salad you promised me.” I then listed the ingredients (like steak) that were in short supply or completely missing (avocado).
The rest of the table was very quiet. When the manager asked my dining companions if they were okay, everyone nodded. As soon as he left, some started grumbling about their meals. Really?
When was the last time you saw a man put his hand over his mouth before he laughed? When have you ever seen men concerned about sending anachronistic thank-you cards? And do men really wonder if their underwear is appropriate for the clothes they’re wearing? (Women have t-shirt bras, obsess about panty lines, and judge others on the colour of their underwear.)
I’m all for things like being punctual (both Ladies and Gentlewomen are), but I’m focused on more important things than place cards at the dinner table. And I’m much more likely to thank you for doing me a favour in some real way (a lunch out, a home-potted plant) than by filling out a card. I don’t find it hard to say no to unreasonable requests. (Ladies often do.) And I’m not about to put up with crap (service or otherwise) just because it isn’t polite to be loud.
I was standing in a very long line in the grocery store the other day. (Hey, the express line isn’t express if it’s nine people deep!) I said in a very loud voice, “We need another check-out opened.” Two things happened. A check-out person told me to be patient, to which I responded, “I don’t have to be patient, I’m the customer, get a line open quickly please.” The second thing: as soon as the line opened, the person in front of me tried to get there first. Really? Just seconds before she was completely happy to be eighth in line. I calmly walked in front of her and said, “If you had the balls to get the line open, you could be first.” Then I put my stuff in front of her stuff.
Some people think of me as bullish. What I’m not is a simpering wuss. I have all kinds of time for people who need my help, I share what I have and what I know willingly with family and friends, and I would sooner chop off my hand than hurt someone I love. I take responsibility for myself, and I hold others to the same standard I hold myself.
Being polite used to be the be-all and end-all for women. Don’t make too much noise, don’t be better at stuff and brag about it, don’t be adversarial. Admonishments like, “You can win more flies with honey than with vinegar” make me retch. First, I’m not interested in flies, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Second, why are honey and vinegar the only options?
May 16, 2012 at 6:10 am
I love this sentiment. A good reminder about how I need to stand up for myself a little more and that doing so doesn’t make me any less kind. It’s so easy to think the right answer is to be polite, to not cause a fuss and to just wait and hope for what you want and need. This gives me a lot to think about.
May 16, 2012 at 6:25 am
I did thje same thing at walmart. I got the whole line going with complains. Really, thay make a fortune off of some poor check out person when u consider what they rung up on one shift.
May 16, 2012 at 7:02 am
Most people are actually happy when someone stands up and says something! They just don’t have the guts to stand up themselves.
That’s funny that the customer was trying to get in front of you at the grocery store, when you’re the one that spoke up.
May 16, 2012 at 7:23 am
Actually the best thing to attract flies is a big steaming pile of S**t…..so get out there and disturb some..that’s my motto.
May 16, 2012 at 7:31 am
I’m having a hard time with this one. I agree that one needs to make a fuss from time to time, but one needs to be polite about it. You don’t know the whole situation before you. In the case of being short a cashier, what if the reason why was due to being short staffed due to most employees attending a funeral of a fellow coworker who was killed by her husband a few days before? (Presenting a real situation here, so don’t think it far fetched.) Asking politely first if someone is available should happen first. Role modeling politeness and manners while still getting a point across, is essential to our next generations. I see students that talk back to teachers when they perceive an unfairness. Asking for something to be explained is one thing, but, life sometimes is unfair too, and being patient is a lesson that we all need a reminder of. Just my two cents. Sometimes I certainly jump the gun and attack before realizing what’s going on. Patience and gentle words can go a long way first.
May 16, 2012 at 7:52 am
Love this!! Sick of women being a bitch just b/c they have balls!!
May 16, 2012 at 7:58 am
I too believe it’s important to stand up for your rights and sometimes struggle with this one in personal relationships. I am working on it though. I have no problems though requesting proper service. The restaurant scenario I agree with but not the retail one. Please always ask if another cashier (or whomsover) could be made available. (The cashier’s comment was rude though.) If no one is available request to speak to the manager. I work in retail in an establishment with a large square footage. Many times staff have been cut so thin that there are only 3 of us and we can’t get to the 2nd cash because we are providing service elsewhere. We simply can’t say to a customer that we are not going to help them because basically you (the person standing in line) are more important because really that’s what the truth is for you. I agree you are important (the other person wanting something) but so is the person I am dealing with. So we have to balance it all out as best we can. The mgr probably won’t be able to do much for you as the staff cut would have been ordered by corporate management BUT your concerns as the customer would certainly be forwarded and noted and it would hopefully relieve problems in the future.
May 16, 2012 at 8:09 am
Gail I so understand. And I am “bulish” and continually accused of being a trouble maker, bitch, moody etc. What you described is what I do daily. I don’t have time for BS. I don’t sit cute and pretty saying yes all the time. I don’t put up or shut up. I stand up. I’m not very popular but I get things done. I am kind when needed and respectful and always do for others many times to the point of having to stop myself. What I hate is people like the woman in front of you in line…this lack of balls and accountability yet the constant entitlement! NOPE!
May 16, 2012 at 8:11 am
I cringed at some of this, too. I think you should try to be polite first and then escalate it if you don’t get what you want. But my idea of polite and someone else’s often differs because of different upbringings. And it’s not a man/woman thing because my whole family (men and women) treat this the same way.
May 16, 2012 at 8:26 am
The grocery store etc., is not time for playing nice and making friends w/ the person in front or behind you. It is an ERRAND, not a playgroup.
If you don’t respect your own time & money, no one else will. You need to speak up in order to be heard, not second-guess and/or back down for fear of being impolite.
May 16, 2012 at 8:33 am
Funny my grandmother used to say bees, not flies! I wonder what your experiences would have been like if the environments were not so impersonal. What it would have been like if it was a small independent grocery store where the owner lived next door, the part time cashier occasionally baby sat your kids and the woman in front was someone you passed every day walking the dog. Would it have been a different circumstance and/or outcome.
It’s a difficult thing indeed to foster patience, understanding or resolution [like opening another checkout] when we are surrounded by unfamiliarity and strangers. It’s easy to be timid or rude when you know you’ll never see someone again.
I’m a small business owner and glad you called for the manager on the salad, it’s their job and they have the power to make things happen. I don’t think it was appropriate to call out in a big-box line-up where the cashier makes minimum wage. Having been overworked in such places, I can say from experience that they are more likely to agree with you, but have no power to make things happen.
If you can solve the check-out line problem without creating a bunch of disharmony for an entire group of strangers, why wouldn’t you? You still have the satisfaction of knowing you have the balls to make things happen and doing it without having to involve every little old lady or child that might not need to be part of it. What is, after all, power without control.
May 16, 2012 at 8:42 am
I have to admit, having worked retail as well, I was a bit put off by the cashier situation. Although I also hate long lines and wish that retail establishments would staff better, having been in the position of a retail employee, I also could not stand people who would talk to me in a bully-ish way. I had no way to defend myself because you are a customer and I could lose my (crappy, but paying) job. It also isn’t that cashier’s fault; unless they are the ones who get to make the decisions on how much to spend on staffing, and how much staff to have on that day.
Now, the $24 salad I completely understand and would have definitely said something as well!
May 16, 2012 at 9:05 am
You don’t have to be a loud mouthed bully to be effective…it doesn’t cost anymore to be polite…I certainly don’t sit around being cute and pretty, nor do I bully people into what I want done…I use intelligence and manners and a firm voice…you’ll get more respect this way too…lose the bully mentality it’s not appealing in the least…
May 16, 2012 at 9:07 am
I think voicing your opinion about needing to open up another cash line was correct. Methods may differ but I have experienced it at my local grocery store many a times when people, mind you mostly of Caribbean decent speak up! I agree with the $24 salad. Missing ingredients?? That’s a no-no! Just plain wrong on the restaurant’s part. I recall I ordered something at a chain restaurant for dessert. And the manager came out and told our table they were out of it. And he asked us first if we would like something else and we agreed and we even got it on the house! They didn’t try to pass off something as the real deal when they didn’t have all the parts! That’s proper customer service, informing and allowing the customer to make a decision.
May 16, 2012 at 9:12 am
Could we have the link to the article if is still there?
May 16, 2012 at 9:13 am
I used to be the shy one – never say anything and just deal with it. But over the years, I’ve changed that, and have found a happy compromise with being polite, yet “bitchy” when needed. Why is it when women are like this, we are bitchy, yet men are just “strong men”?
It’s a fine line sometimes – but I stand up for what I believe in when needed, and don’t let people walk over me. Good for you Gail.
May 16, 2012 at 9:20 am
I have been in many of these situations and am no shrinking violet. However, I have also been on the other side of the fence. One of the things people forget is that these front line staff are often the target of people’s frustrations. They are minimum wage workers who are simply doing their jobs. Dealing with the public isn’t easy and often people forget that these staff have a right to be spoken to politely and respectfully.
Everybody has problems they’re dealing with. People are often unaware of their behaviour. While I agree it’s important to stand up for what is accorded to you, there are times when life is too short and it’s just not worth the fuss. If my food is lousy, I will politely speak up. Gail’s response is rude, in my view. there are many ways to state that you don’t think it’s up to par without resorting to sarcasm.
Too many people live in their ego-centred bubble and don’t take the time to realize there is another person opposite you so that while you have satisfaction is claiming your rights, you have done so at the somebody else’s expense. So maybe you feel better about yourself but how have you made the other feel?
There are ways to do this. And maybe more people should just chill and not make a big case about so many things. If you don’t like the situation, take it up with head office. The people in the store are often doing their best with fewer staff. To vent to them doesn’t help. To vent at another customer- who cares? I can’t be bothered settling scores everytime somebody steps in front of me. I have more important battles to wage.
May 16, 2012 at 9:28 am
I have sent food back because of problems with it. People look at me funny but like I always tell them… “hey, I’m paying for this… I want it to be right!” I am often told that people are “scared of me”, that I have a “big personality” and that I am “loud” Um… ok. If it means that I don’t take shit, stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me, then so be it. Yes, i am polite and use my manners but I don’t tend to give in unless I am satisfied.
May 16, 2012 at 9:46 am
I have a friend who sends back food often if he is not pleased with it. He is not rude about it either.
I have another friend who is a great example of grace when complaining about service. And she works in the service industry and is very sensitive to both sides of it. I just spent the weekend away with her and was amazed at each interaction. There are times when I can’t actually tell that she is dissatisfied with something and she can “complain” in such a way that people bend over backwards to please her. It’s something else to watch. She is a true gentlewoman.
I don’t hesitate to express dissatisfaction and sometimes I am uncomfortable doing it. Good to read the range of comments today and learn how to voice my opinions more.
May 16, 2012 at 9:47 am
@mybabyjohn, that’s hilarious! I love it!
I would love to see that article, Gail.
This is something I am struggling with. I have always been the ‘lady’, but ever since my separation/divorce, I have ‘grown a pair’ and now stand up for myself more than ever. I’m still as polite and courteous as ever, but I pick my battles. If I feel strongly that someone is trying to pull one over on me or that I’m being overcharged for a lousy salad (to use your example), I will definitely speak up (hey, there’s a reason the server stops by your table after your food has been delivered and asks if everything’s ok). But if I don’t feel it’s something that will really impact my life (or my day, or my wallet) that significantly, I’m more likely to take the ’sit quietly and look pretty’ solution. For me, the struggle is knowing when to stand up for myself and when to let it go. But I definitely respect a person (man or woman) more if I see them standing up for themselves than letting people screw them over. They lose my respect though if they make a battle out of everything.
May 16, 2012 at 10:06 am
I have mixed feeling about this post, the same as some other commenters here.
I absolutely agree that if you are dissatisfied with a product you are buying (whether it is a salad, a pair of shoes, or anything, really) you have a right to politely complain about the quality. This is being assertive, not aggressive. Everybody wins, because you are likely to have the situation fixed, and leave happy. The establishment keeps your present and future business. The manager gets to be the hero for fixing it.
I am less on board with the story about the lineup at the grocery store. It is not up to you to decide how many cashiers the store has on duty. That’s the store’s job. It is however, your right to shop elsewhere at a better staffed store, or email the manager afterwards with your complaint. I have done this myself.
As for budding in line in front of the (very rude) woman who trotted over in front of you, this is not gentlewomanly behaviour. I’m sorry, but that’s just how I see it. In front of you in line=served first, regardless of who got another line opened. It drives me crazy when other shoppers make a made dash when a cashier opens up, but generally speaking I feel calmer and happier if I am patient than if I lower myself to their level.
I expect women AND men to be polite. This isn’t being a “simpering wuss”. Believe me, when I am displeased I will certainly let people know and take my business elsewhere, and tell EVERYONE I KNOW.
Love ya, Gail. I still disagree with you on certain things, though.
May 16, 2012 at 10:07 am
I used to work in a supermarket and have mixed feelings with you on this one. The cashier isn’t the one that generally gets to make decisions on who opens a cash (especially places like Superstore, Walmart). If it is a slow time of day (like when the store first opens or just before closing) there are literally no more people around. Or if tons of people have called in sick. Also, not every employee in the store is cash trained. Most of these problems however can be solved by better scheduling!
I remember I called a ‘all-hands on deck’ when I was in charge of the front and I got in s*** for it from our store manager, even though I asked him first (he was so backwards). So can’t win…
haha, Lori: I always find the Walmart lines to be the worst! I am peeved that my store took away the self-serve area that always made it easy to check out. Now I’m waiting for Target to come….
May 16, 2012 at 10:17 am
I think ultimately it boils down to whether the situation you’re in bothers you or or not, and if it does, take steps to mitigate/remedy it…with tact (something I struggle with). Speaking up doesn’t necessarily mean you’re humiliating or demeaning anyone, just that you’re addressing an issue.
It may just be my experience, but every woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t speak up, or as Gail put it, martyr themselves, don’t feel good about it afterwards and often wonder why they aren’t more appreciated for their “sacrifice”. At times it becomes a pitty party.
I am quite patient, and am content to leave mole hills as they are (making mountains takes far too much energy), but I will not be anyone’s doormat.
So yep – gentlewoman for me!
May 16, 2012 at 10:41 am
I would never hesitate to send food back in a restaurant, and a manger/owner would rather you do that so they can rectify the situation then have you leave dissatisfied-after all they want you to come back! In our daily dealings with others, mutual respect and good manners go a long way, no matter your gender.
May 16, 2012 at 10:46 am
I am all about being polite…until it is time to NOT be polite.
Your story remined me about being 4th in line of the express. I have no problem being patient and waiting until I noticed the person in front of me had twice the number of items of an express lane. I had one item, so I politely asked to go first since she had a cartful. Her argument was there were multiples of the same items so they counted as one each. So if I have 100 cans of soup I can go trough the express lane??? No, because the cashier needs to scan each item.
May 16, 2012 at 10:57 am
So many here share my thinking on this post…
Assertive is not the same as aggressive
Polite does not mean wuss
I would not consider a man carrying on in a long cash line to be a gentleman (I would judge him to be an arrogant bully) so if we are trying to make a comparison the female doing this is not a gentlewoman but an arrogant bully.
I have walked up to front managers and asked if they are opening another line. If they respond no then I leave my purchases and walk out. Being rude in one minute might get a response but only from the few present. Not spending my money in a place that values me as a customer sends a much more important message.
May 16, 2012 at 11:18 am
I’m sorry — I’m supposed to put up with lousy food in a restaurant and long lines in the grocery store because “the ladies” have decided to let managment get away with it because “its not polite to raise a fuss”!!??
It’s not about being ladylike — its about getting the respect you deserve as a paying customer that supports their business and the owner’s and employees’ incomes! If its not right — COMPLAIN!
May 16, 2012 at 11:20 am
The point is that Gail saw something she wanted and asked for it. The worst that could happen was that she got a ‘no’ in response. The message is to step up and ask, in your own way… not to try to emulate Gail’s way of asking for something
The book Women Don’t Ask is worth your time to read.
May 16, 2012 at 11:55 am
Oh I LOVE this entry Gail! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!
To those that thing Gail was rude in the check out line, I don’t think so at all. She never personally attacked anyone. She simply wanted the service that was expected of the business… when a line is “express” it should be just that. I don’t understand how that is any different than not getting what you should at a restaurant. Both are equally offensive. She simply said that if they couldn’t deliver on their promise, that she was leaving. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
One thing that seems to happen (especially at our self check out at Costco) is that some customers do not realize that it’s a single line for all four stations. So a customer will just stroll up and try to begin scanning. It shocks me that no one ever speaks up. It is ALWAYS my husband and I that point it out. The customer always feels bad as they didn’t even realize about the line and the people in line always say thank you to us… But why couldn’t they just have said something themselves?
Growing up, my parents never said anything. They never complained about poor service, etc. (In fact, my father has left a restaurant half way through a meal because I had words with the waiter… I was not rude, I was very pleasant and ONLY wanted what we were told we would have. It hurt me to see him leave, but my mother sat there very proud as she could never have done it. It ended in a heartfelt apology from the manager and our meal 1/2 price. the manager couldn’t believe how awful our experience had been and I truly felt his empathy).
It took a lot of work on my part to begin speaking up for myself. I’m not always comfortable doing it, but I have two children now that watch me… I want them to know that it is ok to ask for what you were promised and it is OK to speak up for yourself. I smile when we are at a playground and my children will politely tell another child that it is in fact, THEIR turn on the slide.
It’s a great place to start.
My husband always says how proud he is of me… that I stick up for myself… I’m going to make him read this post. He’s going to smile.
Thanks for another great lesson Gail!!!
May 16, 2012 at 11:57 am
Wanted to add to my previous post that it’s efficiency one is after at the store. I agree with the comments for both sides.
Personally, I would never call out for another cashier unless I was the paid employee/manager of the store! That is beyond rude. You don’t waltz into a store and start making demands on the staff there. Wow.
…. And if someone was in front of you then they are first, like Arteme said. In front is in front.
I didn’t want to type a huge paragraph previously
but see my comment my seem like I’m on side of fence for being harsh or rude.
I do support standing up for yourself, but re-reading Gail’s post has me thinking her behavior in both instances was inappropriate and may have came across as a “princess!”. (gasp)
On the salad end, I personally feel eating in a restaurant & having some prepare a meal for me is a privillege-not an entitled, arrogant right just because I pay for it.
Paying for a meal doesn’t mean you can turn the staff’s day upside down. We are people in restaurants alike. Not Kings or Queens being served, just because we pay our bill.
May 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm
It is important to stand up for yourself, and often you can get the best results by being firm but polite. AN example from my own life, when I still lived at home the movie rental chain in our town was renting movies to my mother under my account because they were only going by the address, not checking the card which resulted in many late charges on my account that were not mine. When I went in to speak to them I was told there was nothing they could do about it. So rather than making a scene with those who have no say in the decisions, I went home, wrote a letter and mailed it back with the bill and it was all cleared up after that. The key is getting through to someone who can actually DO something about it and people tend to be more accomodating if you are polite but make sure to hold your ground.
May 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Nice! People think I’m nuts for speaking up like this. I never get angry (like you see some people freak out on TV when their plane gets delayed), but I *will* speak my mind. …Often. And occasionally loudly.
Here’s a telling joke with a lot of meaning behind it: “How do you get all the Canadians out of a swimming pool?”
Answer: You say, “Everyone out of the pool.” Because heck, we would never be rude enough to question whether the person even has authority over the pool. …And surely there must be a good reason for the order anyway?
I’ve embarrassed friends when I’ve been at a store, given the teller a crisp $20 bill and they return a ratty, taped together, and filthy $5 in change. I ask, “No, look at that! Give me a better 5 back, please.” Some people think it’s crazy, but there’s no way I’m accepting a used napkin as change and then be the one embarrassed to use it elsewhere. …Or have to deposit it in the bank.
Speak up! “Ask and ye shall receive,” isn’t just Biblical–it works in so many facets of life.
May 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm
I have to agree with others who have stated that yelling out at a cashier in the grocery store is not very gentlewomanly behaviour. It seems quite rude to me. 9th in line?! Oh, the horrors!! You would have had to wait for hours for that line up to go down! I think patience is a huge part of being a gentlewoman.
And who’s to say that you ‘won’ that battle, i.e. a second cahier arriving? Who’s to say that someone hadn’t noticed the line up and had their own, independent thought to open a second till and they were on the way when you started carrying on?
I find that level of rudeness and arrogance to be quite disturbing. I’m all for standing up for yourself, I do it all the time, but there is a way to do it in a gentlewomanly way!
May 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm
@Edward…that ratty old 5$ bill should go to the bank…we get them out of circulation when they are in that condition…
You will never convince me that being a loud mouth is the way to go…by all means, speak up for yourself and for others when applicable, just don’t do it as a bully…
May 16, 2012 at 12:34 pm
@ Edward:
I wouldn’t have a problem, as a cashier, you asking politely “Could I please have a $5 in better condition?”. I have a huge problem, though, with you saying “No, look at that! Give me a better 5 back, please.”. That response just comes across as rude and demanding; definitely not gentlemanly behaviour at all. People don’t think you’re crazy, just rude.
May 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm
I love when a controversial post comes up and all the perfect ladies come a postin’ their perfection. I’m sure many of you ragging on Gail and many of us loud mouths who get the jobs done, have had your moments too. Not everyone can be Miss Manners or Miss Judgment all the time now can they?
May 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm
“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” ? Winston S. Churchill
I keep the above quote in mind when I stand up from myself / am being assertive, etc.
I figure that if I don’t respect myself, my time or my money, no one else will.
May 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm
As a cashier in a big box retail store I too have a problem with your grcoery store example. If there are nine people waiting in line we cashiers can clearly see that another checkout needs to be opened, but we often don’t have the staff to do so. By all means ASK politely if another checkout can be opened, or ask to speak to a manager about the situation, but don’t take it out on the poor cashier. We are trying hard to ring the customers through as quickly as possible and the staffing situation is not under our control, don’t stress the cashier out more than she already is b/c of the huge lines!!
May 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I agree with asking for another lane to be opened, but saying ‘I DON’T HAVE TO BE PATIENT, I’M A CUSTOMER’ was just down-right rude.
Yes, you ARE a customer. And that means you have the right to choose where you shop. If the service is unacceptable, you are free to shop somewhere else.
There is a fine line between standing up for yourself and just being plain impatient, demanding, and rude. Do you expect that every time you enter a store, or get in a line somewhere, that you will never have to wait your turn? Is the cashier’s fault that you are impatient because you’re running late or are balancing ten items in your hands because you couldn’t be bothered to get a basket, or that the lady in front of you wants to count out her payment in change?
I think Gail is an extremely talent, smart, and capable lady. I have learned a lot from her teachings and she has inspired countless numbers of people to change their lives. However, I was really put off by the behavior exhibited in today’s blog and the attitude in general of this post, and it sounds to me like she probably has never have been on the receiving end of a front-line customer service job.
May 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I believe this is the exact reason that there are not more women in executive positions at corporations or in political position. Women can not admit or take credit for something they have accomplished. Its always “Oh it was nothing”, or getting embarrassed by praise. (I am this was I will admit.) Most women do not talk about the great things they have done. Men have no problem talking about their accomplishments, but women seem to think it is not “proper”.
I want to be a gentlewoman, not a lady.
May 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Isn’t the reason we watch Gail partially because of her “loud” personality? I personally don’t have one like hers, but I must say it is great entertainment.
I don’t consider being a lady as being a door mat; it is about the way you go about getting what you deserve or speaking up about something.
Take internet/home phone/or cell phone providers customer service…I hear a lot about how people are extremely rude and disrespectful to the agents, i’ve even heard family members do it. Believe me, I think there is a mistake with my bill every other month, and I do call in. But I am often patient with the person on the other end (these people get paid minimum wage a take a lot of crap from those “loud” people, many of them trying to pay for school or support a family). I am always polite and patents and 9 OUT OF TEN TIMES i can get my problem solved, and have often gotten some sort of discount or bonus for the issue. Do you think that gets offered to the ones screaming profanities into the phone? Do you think their problems ever even get solved?
I believe it is true you catch more bees with honey, and I don’t think that makes me a pushover. There are ways to be assertive and classy at the same time.
May 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm
It is always better to be polite. It makes a huge difference in the response you get. I don’t agree that women should behave more like men. After all, aren’t we more evolved?
May 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm
@ Dylan-” courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others”. LOVE the man who was Winston Churchill.
May 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm
No one should assume that everyone waiting in line is silently seething waiting for someone else to “fix” the problem. Sometimes I don’t mind waiting in line, sometimes I do, but some things are not worth making a scene over and creating a hostile environment. Pick your battles.
May 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Oh, what a ‘meaty’ topic!
I think that we need to, and and have every right to, stand up for ourselves and get our needs met as long as we aim to treat others as we’d like to be treated. The golden rule is the bechmark, isn’t it, no matter what the situation?
May 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Obviously in this situation there WAS another cashier that could and was called. It should have been taken care of WITHOUT Gail having to tell them. I have worked retail and it was my job to call for another cashier if there was one. Sometimes the other cashiers are having a chat in the next aisle, sometimes there are 3 or 4 of them standing there. That’s when I get frustrated and may come across as rude.
The salad is riduculous. Everyone should have complained. Yes it is a privilege to go out for a meal, but I expect to get what I paid for. It was a $24 salad, this isn’t some corner burger joint.
I do agree that according to different backgrounds, certain people can come across as rude. I worked with a lady from Austria who seemed very rude all the time, she wasn’t really, it was just her way.
May 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm
I agree with the dissenters on this one, too.
I don’t think being loud and making a fuss is being a Gentlewoman.
So many people have such a sense of entitlement these days.
Perhaps the other people patiently waiting didn’t appreciate the loud and rude outburst, either. It’s not always about “you”.
I also resent the implication that writing thank you cards is being obsequious.
I know what a nice surprise it can be to receive a thank you card for good service, kindness, a lovely evening or a special gift.
Graciousness surely is a trait of a Gentlewoman.
I am afraid the death of good manners is a plague in modern society.
May 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Gail you would have loved to shop with my Dad.
He carried a whistle and when the check out lines where long and nothing was being done about it He would blow the whistle where the Manager or who ever decided to come out of hiding would ask what He was doing. I think one time he actually told them he was a regional store rep. that was reporting on their service and this was going to be rated very unsatisfactory. I don’t think the poor guy new what to do but more check outs were opened and the customers started to cheer.
This was probably over 15 years ago but it still makes me laugh.
As for the shopping experience lately I think it is terrible. Most cashiers have the last word of saying there you go. Not Thank-you for your business or something more pleasant.
When I do get a pleasant and good cashier you better believe they hear about it and so does the store manager. In some cases there is bonus’s and promotions for this person. We can all complain but we also have to give credit to those who really do a excellent job.
May 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm
I took my bf out for dinner and a movie at our new local VIP Cineplex. We paid $20 for the two of us as I used Scene Points and another $68 for dinner and snacks. I was unhappy with about half the meal as it wasn’t cooked or made properly (wings with hot sauce rinsed off and recoated with teryaki) yucht! I got two free movie passes and half the money on the meal back. I was told by the server that they didn’t have a knife to cut my fish and chips for pete’s sake! I don’t back down when I think there is a cause to say something when I pay a lot for a night of fun out. I would’ve personally gone to grab a manager at the store and say can you please open another line up instead of yelling at the cashier. I know a lot of the time places are just understaffed.
May 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm
I see both sides of the arguement.
However, I dont know any grocery store where there isn’t a line these days. My best bet is usually Save On self checkout. Seems to be the fastest.
It’s reality that going to Walmart, or Costco or Superstore is never a “fast” experience. Ocasionally Costco isn’t that busy, but Walmart is always crazy busy when I seem to go there.
I am always friendly to the cashiers, they haven’t done anythign to me. They are doing the best they can. However, I agree that it doesn’t hurt to ASK if another cashier can be made availible.
But i think the point Gail is really trying to make, is that no one speaks up and deffinatly not woman usually.
In my case my husband gets embarassed I always make scenes in resturants. But heck, if i’m paying YOU to make a meal, i want it the way i want it. I always make sure to let the server or the manager know afterwards if it was a great experience or the food was really good.
May 16, 2012 at 5:23 pm
I am the first to send a meal back at a restaurant if it’s not what I ordered, as I expect to get a great meal. If the food sucks (or is $8 salad posing as a$24) and we don’t tell the server or management, but rather we bad mouth the restaurant, we are not helping anyone. Be polite, but get what you pay for.
This also goes for our kids. I have taught my girls (16+17) since they were small that if you order your burger plain, thats what you should get. Your money is the Same as an adults money (more value actually, because they will be customers long after I am gone) Be polite, but be Firm.
They now work part-time in a bakery and are Very Respectful of the customers, and thats why the customers come back.
The customer many not always be right, but they are there spending money, so let them vent and make them happy.
If a customer has a lousy experience and the staff bend over backwards to correct it, will be the Best Customer. The customer who isn’t satisfied, will tell Everyone they Know!!
May 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm
I have noticed this too. Women sacrifice too much, don’t speak up for themselves, and are way too concerned with what people think. I notice this in my friends, and in myself sometimes. I don’t think I am a lady though.
I will speak up if I think it’s worth it and I don’t like being quiet.
May 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm
The lines are long because we stand in them like sheep. If we speak up by being vocal as Gail did or by leaving our items in the cart, they’d pay more attention.
May 16, 2012 at 6:23 pm
I have found cider vinegar (with a drop of detergent to reduce surface tension) is a very effective fruit fly trap.
May 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm
While I tend not to speak up when I probably should, and I sometimes appreciate it when someone else does, I do think it needs to be done in a respectful way. You shouldn’t stick your head in the sand, but there is no need to be rude about it, either. As others have pointed out, it’s usually not the fault of or under the control of the person who is in front of you, but passing on your concerns and asking if something can be done about it is totally okay.
@Andrea, I disagree that having someone else prepare a meal for you is a privilege, and you should happily accept whatever you get. It may be a privilege in your life to be able to go out for a meal, but when you have gone out and paid for a meal, it is your right to get what you paid for, and that is what you should ask for. I don’t think Gail was rude about the salad. She didn’t insult the server or the manager, or belittle them, she merely pointed out what was wrong with the product that she had paid for. And it was fixed. The other people with her were a bit disingenuous when they were also grumbling, but lied to the manager and said they were fine.
If I have a problem in a checkout line, I do recognize that it is usually not the cashier’s fault, and even if I’m frustrated about the number of lines open, or the rate at which they are moving, I can’t take it out on the cashier. I almost always receive friendly service, and usually an apology for the wait once I get to the front. Rarely do I encounter a rude cashier, no matter how much they have to take from customers. Asking if another checkout could be opened is reasonable, but I recognize that it’s not the cashier’s fault.
May 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm
It’s sad to me that so many people seem to think that being rude, obnoxious, and demanding is the way to behave and make the world a better place.
May 16, 2012 at 7:30 pm
I was born and raised in the deep south. I was groomed from birth to be a lady. And destined to be Gail Vaz-Oxlades doppleganger.
I once went to bat for my young son after a slime ball ripped him off on a car deal. This ass told me, “In my country (Russia) women don’t talk to men like you speak to me!”. I told him, “Welcome to America!”
He gave my son a complete refund.
May 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm
I had a “great-aunt,” who was either the FIRST or ONE of the FIRST FEMALE Washington, D. C. attorneys, back in the early 1900’s, who sd that the “difference” between a “man and a gentleman” and a “woman and a lady” was that the first two were what you were born with, the other two (a gentleman and a lady) were EARNED, because you had gained the “respect” of YOURSELF and those around you. YOU, GAIL, are BOTH a GENTLEWOMAN (from explaining your position so well in your article) AND a LADY, as you CARE abt PEOPLE–as Suze Orman says: “People first, then money, then things!!!”
May 16, 2012 at 8:47 pm
Manners have their place, but so does righting a wrong. It’s a fine line, but sometimes you just have to say your piece whether the other side likes it or not.
May 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm
I also have mixed feeling on this issue. I wonder how many people sending their food back end up with spit in it when it comes back!
May 16, 2012 at 11:53 pm
Usually, I agree with Gail, but I was actually very offended when I read this post, and many subsequent comments. First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lady, as defined in this post by Gail. Many women (and men) are not of the personality-type to speak up- and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Just as there are people of all different eye colours and hair colours, there is a wide variety of personalities. Some people simply, honestly, don’t sweat the small stuff and let all manners of slights, real or perceived, just slide off of them because they aren’t bothered by them. I’m not like that. I speak up. I often am rude about it because I am having a bad day, or I am exhausted, or I am in a hurry, or for whatever reason. I can at least acknowledge that I’m not in anyway perfect. However, I am working hard on improving this aspect of my personality that I strongly dislike. This is not the example I want to set for my 3 daughters. I would love to model patience and politeness and respect at all times.
I think that just because some people have stronger personalities and feel comfortable speaking up doesn’t make them right. The person who talks the loudest doesn’t have a more valid point over the quiet one politely waiting to get a word in edgewise.
Writing thank you letters is not a waste of time; it is an act of graciousness that is being lost in our impatient, entitled society. My daughters are being raised to send thank-yous for gifts, just as I was. I am so grateful to my mother for instilling this responsibility in me. In today’s society, it is so much easier to call or email; but a hand-written thoughtful thank you goes so much further.
It’s important to not let people walk all over you, but it’s also important not to walk all over people in return.
May 17, 2012 at 8:39 am
@Kay, I agree that “The person who talks the loudest doesn’t have a more valid point over the quiet one politely waiting to get a word in edgewise.”, but I also know the Loudest is usually the only one heard.
May 17, 2012 at 10:19 am
Personally, the issue is not speaking up and “reminding” the cashier that another cashier is required. As a previous cashier manager of a Canadian Tire store, I can tell you how frequently a cashier *should* have called for assistance and did not.
Drove me freakin’ nuts. If there’s a line up, call for help, it’s not brain science, and 9 people in line is ridiculous, and while there could be extenuating circumstances… 99 times out of 100, it’s a cashier not calling for assistance when he/she should.
HOWEVER, I think it is incredibly rude to then “claim” that the the extra cashier is there *specifically* for you and jump in front of someone that had already been waiting in line.
It depends upon how you think of the world… if someone is weaker, and isn’t able to voice up for their rights, does that mean you should take their rights away, just because you were strong enough to stand up for yours?
I don’t know why the other people ahead of Gail weren’t complaining, but they should have been. And just because they didn’t, doesn’t mean they lost their spot in line.
In my perfect world, the strong take care of the weak.
May 17, 2012 at 10:44 am
I try to teach women this every single day. I do workshops on it and try to show them how to be empowered, to have a voice and to do it with respect and love, not only for themselves but for others.
There is nothing wrong with saying no when you want or need to, with speaking up for what you want and for disagreeing with something or someone if you truly don’t agree.
We can make ourselves the victim and then complain about it or we can take action and put ourselves in our own power without taking someone else’s power away.
More women need to hear this message!
May 17, 2012 at 11:19 am
Funny how Gail states how she did something and some are dissatisfied with her actions. Cutting in front of the person that didn’t say anything to help the line she should have given Gail the go ahead and not been conniving and feel like she made the change!! Give credit where credit is due. Me I’m a people pleaser and let people walk all over me due to having no friends thinking my behavior deemed me to deserve this. Heck (insert a 4-letter word) it I take the potato stance; I yam what I yam and yam proud of it. I have what I need and BS isn’t on my pile. Gail, you go girl; to the head of the line!
May 17, 2012 at 11:55 am
Kudos to Gail for speaking up in the grocery store lineup. I detest these long line ups and have on more than a few occasions have had to ask people not to cut into the lineup and to go to the back of the line and wait like everyone else. I have determined that the only opinion that counts in the retail game is in the dollars that line your wallet. So, I vote with my pocketbook and generally avoid stores with the worst customer service – are you listening Wal-mart, Superstore and Canadian Tire? Shopping in your stores seems to be a never-ending source of frustration and life is too short….
May 18, 2012 at 7:53 am
Just last week I got a free lunch because the mussels and clams special I ordered had no clams in it. I’m eating it, hoping to finally get to some clams, but dommage – no clams. So spoke to the server, who a few minutes later came back and said they would remove the cost from the bill. I was polite about it, but I didn’t get what I ordered.
Last night we had delivery from Swiss Chalet and the chicken was inedible. Dry, hard, like they gave us day-old chicken. Called up, complained, and got the charge reversed on my credit card.
You don’t have to be mean about it, usually a polite complaint works.
May 18, 2012 at 10:17 am
Gail, I really admire you. I have to admit, I probably come off more like a lady, but that’s because I’m too shy – I hate being seen as a “lady”! I would love to have the courage to speak out more. Sometimes being “polite” and “ladylike” simply doesn’t work! I think it’s fine to make a polite complaint…but if that doesn’t work, more drastic measures are called for, for sure! I totally agree with what you said, and I’m definitely trying to be more assertive myself.
With regards to the cashier situation, I work in consulting and we are understaffed. Sometimes that means the customer doesn’t get the best service, and they complain or put pressure on us. Is it my fault we are understaffed? No. But guess what? The fact that we are understaffed is certainly not their problem! They have every right to complain to me, because they’re the customer! I have to be a professional and take the heat (and then complain about the understaffing to my manager). Now I know these cashiers are probably minimum wage, not consultants, but in customer service, I don’t think it matters how much you’re paid. The basics are the same.
May 18, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Sparky I 2nd you, and 2nd you again.
I would consider myself an “assertive lady”. I take pride in manners and I expect manners in return. I speak up for myself and I certainly am opinionated but I choose my words carefully.
May 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm
” . I calmly walked in front of her and said, “If you had the balls to get the line open, you could be first.” Then I put my stuff in front of her stuff.”
I convey my empathy to you regarding frustration level regarding lack of staff…. however there are shades of grey between assertiveness and aggression….subjective and perception by each individual
May 20, 2012 at 6:45 am
I would have allowed the person in front of me to go first. First in line – even though you opened that line. I totally agree there should be enough cashiers available to cover the amount of people shopping in the store (so more cashiers on the weekend!).
It’s perfectly right to speak out when you are unhappy.
You are a customer and customers have a right to quick and efficient service. The store should never run on too few service personnel. If an emergency came up where the store would be short staffed – they should get temporary personnel or give someone more hours. I don’t like loud obnoxious people just for the sake of “look at me I’m loud and obnoxious, aren’t I special?” because it makes it harder for a person with a real issue to be taken seriously.
I know how hard it is to be a cashier. Never take it out on the cashier. I always smile and say please and thank you with the cashier and maintain eye contact.
Knowing me though, if someone put a cheap salad down on my table when I was expecting a $24 quality one, I would say what the hell is this? Because I’ve done done that before in a similar situation. You should get quality for your money.
May 21, 2012 at 10:54 am
http://thegloss.com/odds-and-ends/bullish-how-to-run-your-career-like-a-gentlewoman-2/
May 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm
I would never order a $24 salad, because there is nothing they can put in it that would make it worth that much, or that I could not make myself at home! I am not sure what was expected, but to me, anything would have been a disappointment because there is no salad on earth worth that kind of money, and I’m frankly shocked Gail ordered it, LOL!
I don’t think that being a loudmouth makes someone a “gentlewoman.” Gentlewomen are known for their good breeding, which precludes being a loudmouth. Asking for something is one thing; demanding it is quite another. I have found that barging in and bellowing seldom gets me what I want, and makes me look like an ass. In fact, I’ve spoken up against people who are loudmouths to cashiers (I asked a woman bawling out a Wal-Mart cashier if it would kill her to be nice). I’ve found that being pleasant when expressing what is wrong or what I want gets me so much farther than being snide or sarcastic. People with small minds use sarcasm. Instead of standing in line bellowing, Gail could simply have approached someone and politely inquired if they might consider opening another till. She would have got the same result and not looked like a bellowing bully. I feel so much better when I give others the respect that I would hope to receive myself. I don’t think it has to do with being a woman—-I am by no means simpering or dainty or whatever else Gail said. But I do believe in treating others as I would like to be treated, and that means not getting pissy that I’m in a long line and bellowing for someone to do something about it already because my time is important, damn it! My husband is every inch a man (more so than most) and he doesn’t behave like that. I find it so telling that those of you who think bellowing and bawling out others are great things to do keep referring to it as “growing a pair”. I am a woman, and I neither want nor need to “grow a pair” thank you. Self-assurance and assertiveness do not come from testicles—they come from the brain and the heart. Women should stop trying so hard to be like men and focus more on being human. Just my two cents.