What Makes a Good Parent?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Parenting 101
Having children fundamentally changed who I was. It’s no surprise really? The things you must learn to do as a parent to help raise happy and well-adjusted children means you’re running up a very steep learning curve. Most people manage well. Some, not so much. And the innocent are left to deal with the fallout.
So what makes a good parent? The November/December 2010 Scientific American Mind did an article on the subject. They ranked the following 10 “competencies” as crucial to children’s happiness, health and success:
- Love and affection
- Stress management
- Relationship skills
- Autonomy and independence
- Education and learning
- Life skills
- Behaviour management
- Health
- Religion
- Safety
You’re probably not surprised to see “love and affection” on the list, but did you expect it to be at the top? And did you think that your ability to reduce stress for YOURSELF and your children would come in at second place? So all you frantic parents running around trying to get it all done and fraying at the edges in the effort need to slow down and take a breath.
Maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner and modeling effective relationship skills with other people is high up on the list. I wonder how many parents realize just how much their children are learning from what they do with their friends, what they say about their co-workers, how they interact with service-givers, and the like. Your children are learning from you. Do you know what you’re teaching them?
One of the competencies I scored particularly high on was the autonomy and independence. I’ve always treated both my children with respect and encouraged them to be self-sufficient and self-reliant. I didn’t make their decisions for them, but helped them to see what the consequences might be of the decisions they were considering. Even when it came to going to school, my standard response to “I’m sick” was, “I have no way of telling how sick you are. You’re the only person that can decide if you’re not well enough to go to school? So, is this one of those days?” I never had an absentee problem with either of the kids. Sometimes my next question, “Anything really important happening at school today?” helped them to see more clearly what their next action would be: up and at ’em or back-to-bed!
Do you promote and model a love of learning? Do you provide for your children, have a steady income and plan for the future? Do you positively reinforce what they do well, and allow natural consequences to teach lessons, or do you punish and guilt your child in the hope of securing compliance?
No one is really surprised to see the last three competencies on the list, though I would argue that “spirituality” may be more important that “religion” except for the social interaction aspect.
Maybe the most surprising things that came out of the article were the things that weren’t so important: women are only a smidgeon better than men at parenting. And older parents, or those with more kids, didn’t score higher than younger and sole-children parents. And gay and straight parents were almost equally good at the job, with gay parents nosing by.
You can LEARN to be a good parent (or a better parent). Reading, taking parenting classes, learning more about how to be good at the toughest job you’ll ever do is worth every minute spent.
May 2, 2012 at 5:56 am
Timly article since I am up this early with a colicky baby! In your words Gail “lord love a duck!” We have a rule that our kids won’t be in classes unless they ask and they can only choose one. Also, once they sign up for something they have to stick it out for three years so they better like their decisions. I think this helps with the stress because we are not financially strained as all this stuff is expensive and we are not running around every night do we spend more family time. Just my two sense from a sleep deprived mind.
May 2, 2012 at 6:37 am
@MPower: I think the three-year commitment is a great idea! It teaches perseverance. A lot of people – both kids and adults – think their extracurricular pursuits are something they’ll love all the time, but it takes work to get to those highs. Most ballet dancers probably don’t like the hours of repetitive practice. Most hockey players probably don’t like the many, many early mornings. Most painters don’t like periods of artist’s block. Newbies can’t quit just because something becomes not-fun or challenging, because every worthwhile pursuit does at some point. (Well, they can, but maybe they shouldn’t!) It’s an important lesson to learn.
May 2, 2012 at 7:35 am
@MPower, you may find that a 3 year committment is going to be a bit much. I found that making them stick out an activity they’ve chosen for the season rather than quitting half-way through because they decided they didn’t like it after all was beneficial. They learned that their team members and coaches were counting on them, so just “not feeling like it” anymore wasn’t a good enough reason to quit before the sessions are over.
Plus, with a 3 year committment and only being enrolled in 1 activity may mean that some other activities your children excel at may be missed opportunities, know what I mean? And don’t forget, 3 years of hockey that your kid might end up hating is probably going to be more expensive than 1 year of trying it out and then moving to soccer or swimming…mucho cheaper in gear, sign-up fees, and all the time committments (and gas!).
I think I’m doing the best job I can most days with raising my children…some days I fall waaaaayyy short on the stick, but my kids also know I’m human with human feelings, emotions, and just plain-ol human body and time, so they learn to not be “yes dears, you’re just the best fill-in-the-blank ever and of course I’ll give over my time/life/money/etc for you” parents when it’s their turn.
May 2, 2012 at 7:51 am
Actually I was surprised to see religion on the list. Probably because it wasn’t a factor for us growing up and it’s not a part of my life now. I have two awesome kids who are being raised to respect other people’s religions and find their own paths. They are totally aware of the fact that neither of their parents believe in God but that if it is their choice, they may do so. For now they both choose to believe (they’re 11 and
and that’s o.k. But it certainly isn’t something they’re getting from the home front. Tolerance yes, Spirituality no.
I wouldn’t be a better parent by faking Faith for them. Faith is something you either have or you don’t. I’d rather teach them to be true to their own hearts and minds even if it means I’m a worse parent by this study’s standards.
May 2, 2012 at 7:52 am
that happy face emoticon was supposed to be an 8 and a closed parenthesis
May 2, 2012 at 8:28 am
For me, quitting a job because it caused so much stress and frustration has totally been a smart move. When the girls were 4 and 1, having a full time job just wasn’t the ideal – especially when my husband works shift work. Having been a stay at home mom for the past 7 years has been wonderful – and yes, at times tight with money, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I spend quality time with the girls, can volunteer at the school, and can be less stressed for sure – which helps work on all the aspects of that list!
@Mpower – you will find in the life of a child, 3 years is a long time – and the things they like change – A LOT! I agree with one season of an activity to stick it out. If after that time they want to change, go for it. I know my daughters loved soccer, until it became too rough, and they stopped. If I had forced them to 3 years, I would have caused major headaches for all of us. As such, their interests have changed and they have found more interests besides soccer.
Another great article Gail!
May 2, 2012 at 8:52 am
I always laugh a bit when I read less experienced parents state things such as ” we will let them choose ONE activity and stick to it for 3 years minimum”. LOL really? Good luck with that. Because I guarantee you when that time rolls around and they decide they want 4 things and to quit right after you’ve signed them up, you will give in, or play nasty parents to force it….and the guilt will kill you.
truthfully you can have all the best perfect parent intentions in the world, and fail at every single one of them. Why? because parenting is a trial by error fly by the seat of your pants investment. Always start with just love and guidance and lead by as much example as you can muster allowing for huge errors along the way. sprinkle that with some of the other stuff mentioned….and hope for the best.
As for the religion aspect, we are of faith, and I can’t imagine raising mine with a “we don’t believe in God but good luck to ya kid, choose what you want”. Yikes. Regardless of your feelings or beliefs I’d say if your children already believe in God and you don’t yet you’re allowing them to do so, you’ve already made a huge choice and teaching right there….and it speaks volumes about YOU not the faith itself or the existence of God or any power. Kids need choice yes, but guidance is more important at young ages.
I have 3 kids…12.5 yrs, 8 and 2.5 yrs…been there done that can’t be bothered to write a book…it’s been done lol.
May 2, 2012 at 8:57 am
As the mother of daughters 16+17 I am now seeing what the results of our parenting over the years are. Both girls are respectful of others and Usually of each other, they don’t practice any particular religion (as we are not religious) but have been exposed to and appreciate many different faiths (I love living in multi-cultural Toronto), they are both independent thinkers and have always been encouraged in that direction.
They have learned compassion and strength well over the years and I realized it 2 weeks ago when my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. When I broke down they comforted me, they gave me strength and they reminded me that we have been there before and we will get through it together as a family. He has his surgery this week and I know that their strength will help him in so many ways.
Got to change the subject back, I’m getting choked up……….
@MPower I like the idea of the 3 year commitment and see where you are coming from, but I encourage you to be a bit flexible with the rule if needed. I like @Michelle’s suggestion of sticking to it for a season.
My daughters are Complete Opposites and where one of them could choose that one thing she wanted to do and stick to it for 3 years, the other took a while to find her usually try something new unless she knows she can excel at it. The “niche finder” is up for Anything and has done many of the things people say “I’d like to try that one day”.
We used to joke that if it had been an option, she would have Bungee Jumped in Kindergarten. No really, she would have!
Although “changing the rules” might sound like you’re giving in, I don’t think of it that way. I see it as being flexible and realistic. If you signed yourself up for something and you just Hated it for whatever reason, I think giving yourself permission to find a new “something” is Ok. Ditto with the kids.
That being said, IF, like the “niche finder” they change activities often, they can be responsible for some or all of the cost of the equipment or materials for the activities. They soon discover that garage sales are a great source of second hand equipment and said bargain stuff is Just Fine for the “sport of the month”. If they go for the second season, then the cost of equipment can be mum-subsidized.
May 2, 2012 at 9:01 am
…that was supposed to say
My daughters are Complete Opposites and where one of them could choose that one thing she wanted to do and stick to it for 3 years, the other took a while to find her niche.
The “Stick to it” does not usually try something new unless she knows she can excel at it whereas the “niche finder” is up for Anything and has done many of the things people say “I’d like to try that one day”.
May 2, 2012 at 9:03 am
I would not hold a child to their choice for 3 years either. My daughters have to stick with their choice until the end of the sessions, but after that, they are under no commitment to continue on that path. My one artsy daughter, did ballet, karate, figure skating, lawn bowling, soccer, jazz. If you don’t try different things, how will you know what you like or excel at? She now does jazz in the winter, and has chosen soccer for this summer.
If a child has to chose and stick with something for 3 years, say at 9, then at age 12 it could be far too late to try something new. The other children will be at a much different level.
I didn’t come from an affectionate family, and I am not naturally huggy. But I make sure that my children get a big hug and kiss before school every day, and every night at bed. They need to feel loved, and you need to understand the different ways that people feel loved. The Seven Love Languages is an excellent book to open your way of thinking.
May 2, 2012 at 9:43 am
Wow April, your post was a bit condescending and judgmental.
You have no idea how experienced a parent Mpower is. For all you know, she has 8 kids between the ages of 20 and 1 and has a great deal more experience than you. Maybe the kids he or she’s talking about are older, and 3 years commitment to an activity makes perfect sense for them. Or maybe they’re the same ages as yours and she just doesn’t ‘give in’ to her kids to avoid the mean mommy (or mean daddy) guilt.
Also, re religion, your ‘yikes’ comment raised my hackles, so to speak. I got the impression that you think in order to be good parents, parents have to believe what you believe, and teach their kids to believe what you believe. And I’m not sure what you’re trying to say about allowing children to make their own decisions about what they believe. I was raised by religious parents, and by the time I was 7, I didn’t believe in god (and got kicked out of Sunday School for asking questions like, “if Adam and Eve were the only two people on earth, are all humans the result of in-breeding among their children?”). They allowed me to believe what I believed, and didn’t try to provide ‘guidance’ towards what they believe.
May 2, 2012 at 9:46 am
Great article, Gail! Thanks for posting this. When it comes to relationship skills, there are added challenges for divorced parents, like myself. I don’t have a partner to model a romantic relationship to my daughters (6 and 4), but I am doing my best to raise my girls to respect themselves and others, and to be as polite and considerate toward others as possible. I also have to make sure that I only speak of their father and his new girlfriend in a positive light (even if I have to ‘fake it’, lol). And of course, stress management is a huge part of being a single parent. It’s not easy, but definitely worth it.
Mpower, I agree with the others. Three years is a long time for a child, and their interests change almost every season (especially when they’re younger). I’m all about letting them try a variety of things, because you just don’t never know which one they’re going to really get drawn into, and I wouldn’t want them to miss out on a fantastic opportunity.
My rule of thumb when it comes to activities outside of school is one sports activity and one musical activity. Both my daughters are in ballet, and they finished a season of skating lessons last month. My older daughter did Jiu Jitsu for a year last year, and after a few months I joined her (it’s one of the few sports where you can actually participate WITH your child). She decided she wanted to stop and I could tell she wasn’t into it, so I made her stay just until the period of time I had paid for ended. I kept going, however, and when she saw me come home with a yellow belt suddenly she wanted to go back. This fall, I’ll put both of them in it and join their class. It’s amazing to learn a sport right alongside your child.
May 2, 2012 at 9:48 am
The idea of making a child stick out an activity for 3 years seems a bit harsh to me, especially if you’re only letting them choose one activity. As many posters have mentioned above, this could limit growth and keep your child away from an activity they may excel at.
As I don’t have children, I’m going to approach this from another side: As a horseback riding instructor I see many kids come in to try lessons (most barns offer trial lessons or ask that lessons be paid by month, so that takes the “seasonal” pressure off, I’ve also never heard of a barn expecting a beginner to have all the equipment for the sport – helmets should be provided and then all you really need are jeans and boots with a small heel until you get more into the sport) Both beginning children AND parents can have an idealized view of what a horseback riding lesson looks like (hint: your 8 year old is not going to start off jumping 4 feet in their first class…or jumping at all). Riding requires discipline and patience to work your way up in the skill set which is something not a lot of people expect. You can usually tell from the first class who is going to stick it out and who is never going to come back. Truthfully, the children who hate it I would much rather see not return. When a child doesn’t care about what they’re doing they’re putting themselves and their horse at risk as they tend to lose focus, stop paying attention to details, and are generally lazy about it. It’s not fun for the kids, it’s not fun for the instructor, and it’s not fun for the parent.
Give your kids a chance to try out a sport or lesson for the period of time you paid for (whether that’s seasonal, monthly, etc.) and then letting them change their minds if that activity isn’t a good fit seems like a more reasonable solution, while still teaching the same lesson. After all…how many of us knew at 8 what we wanted to be doing for the next three years?
May 2, 2012 at 9:49 am
My understanding of the religion point – which apparently is especially important as they navigate teenagehood – is not the belief or otherwise in a god, but the belonging to a religious youth group.
When I first heard this, I questioned whether it had to specifically be a religious group, or if it could be any group which promotes humanitarianism and group cohesion among peers (I was thinking scouts and girl guides). The answer was that it is specific to religious youth groups.
Causes quite a conundrum for those of us who don’t believe in god, don’t particularly want our kids to, and don’t want to be hypocritical, but can see the benefit of the youth groups.
Stress management is a tough one for us. I have a child who goes from relaxed and calm to “the world is ending” in the blink of an eye. Interestingly, seeing it in her has made me recognise it in myself. We will work on that together.
May 2, 2012 at 10:04 am
@Mpower I like the idea of having your child make a committment, know the length of the committment and stick to it. I noticed all of the posters who said it’s too harsh, had already made an “as much as I paid for” mentality and experience.
I find the comments overly critical.
Frankly, the idea that “paying” for an activity… somehow prevents you from doing another, is ridiculous. You can still play soccer if you’re in a dance class (art class, whatever)… just probably playing in the park with a few friends at times when you don’t have classes.
I would hope that after the 2nd season, if the child is miserable… there’s a negotiation that occurs… (consequences etc).
But don’t listen to all the others… love the idea. Kids tend to quit when they hit a rough patch… and it takes a while to be good at something….
Way to go!
re: Religion “yikes” comment — yeah… struck me as too critical. Although I tend to read the 2nd part as a compliment… that even though the parents are “heathens”, they’re still teaching good values…. LOL
May 2, 2012 at 10:21 am
I taught piano for a while, and I will say this: a child will often realize that s/he really doesn’t like to practice within 2 months of beginning lessons. At that point, parents will do 1 of 2 things: oh, I can’t get her to practice, it’s a waste of money, we quit… OR encourage their child, set a short but firm practice schedule and enforce it, so that the kid learns that work pays off. Wynton Marsalis says he dislikes practicing, and he’s a world-renowned classical and jazz trumpet player. Just my two cents’ worth
Oh, but I will add that forcing a child to do something they find truly awful (not just inconvenient or not fun) probably isn’t completely wise either.
On the other hand…everyone knows their children best.
May 2, 2012 at 10:48 am
It’s really hard to tell, when you are in the moment, if you are doing things right. The only real measure of success is what kind of adults they turn into. I think we did a pretty good job with our daughter and I measure that not by her successes or failures (there have been a few of each) but by this conversation she had with friends (she told me about it later). You should know, she goes to school in another province. Friend, “how often do you talk to your parents?” DD, “All the time, like a couple of times a day. Why? How often do you talk to yours? Friend, “I don’t know maybe once a week.” We text frequently, just to catch up. You might think that makes her dependant, completely untrue, she is one of the most independant eighteen year olds I know (although I may be slightly biased, but she really is).
So while all the items on the Scientific American Mind are well and good, communication is key, making it ok to talk, to discuss, and oh yes debate.
May 2, 2012 at 10:53 am
I don’t think religion (or even spirituality) needs to be anywhere on a list of ‘what makes a good parent’
May 2, 2012 at 11:39 am
What I foind funny here, is the constant need of guidance on how to be a good parent. I don’t have any kid yet, but I will someday, and if humanity was able to raise kids for thousands of years, we shouldn’t need a list of: what to do! ro raise our own kids. I think the only think really important to be a good parent, is to believe you can be one. The moment you want to provide your kids with all they will need to grown and become adult of their own, then you are a good parent. All kids, teenager, young adult and adults are different because theyr were raised all different. You can be 2 kids of the same familly and yet will receive different education. Same values, but different ways of learning it.
I am the oldest of 3 in a single parent familly. Moneu was never something we could count on. I was lucky enough to receive some support from my grand father, and my mother made a lot of mistake in her mom’s job, but I still love her and she loves me more. And the only way I can be a good parent is to teach my own kids what I have learm from my parent, try not to make the same mistake they did, and hope my kids will grown up to be good persons.
May 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Three years to a six year old is half a lifetime. Would you, as a 30 year old, be willing or able to commit to one activity (without wanting to try other activities) for 15 years? Hanging in with an activity until the end of season makes sense, but three years would seem like a life sentence.
May 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm
I read Gail’s posts everyday and seldom comment, but have to add that I knew April was religious by her dictatorial and dogmatic approach to this subject. No need to even mention ‘we are of faith’!! There is ironic comfort in the predictability of that correlation
May 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm
@postcable-I’m giggling at your last sentence. It certainly rings true to me
Thanks to Gail for sharing this info. I’m inspired to read the complete article and the original source articles too (but I’m a geek that way) as I’m a new parent, always interested in evidence based advice (as there is certainly a plethora of parenting advice to be had at every turn, much of it questionable in validity in my opinion).
While I’m not religious either, I understand that research often bears out benefits of participating in religious activities. As in, religious people are often found to be healthier as a group, feel less socially isolated etc. This means that it does belong on the list, even though it is a polarizing issue. I’m not sure how to handle it myself, as neither DH or I are religious people, so it won’t be a regular aspect of our parenting. That said, if you focus on the other 9 competencies, you’re probably doing pretty well by your kids. Through my work, I see first hand the benefits of good parenting and the tragedy of poor parenting. It makes me strive to show my son that he is loved unconditionally, and that he is responsible and accountable for how he treats himself and others, this goes for his health, safety, money, significant others etc. A monumental task that I’m confident I won’t completely succeed at, but I’ll try my darnedest to get right.
May 2, 2012 at 2:53 pm
I find it interesting that everyone who is dismissive of religion on this list isn’t religious. Of course you can be a good, hell, a great parent without religion! No one is suggesting your decision not to raise your child according to a particular faith makes you a bad parent. But involvement in religion can bring benefits, from providing parents with non-family social support during the hard times to helping kids develop a compassionate world view. Yes, you can get these things without a formal belief system, but please don’t be so dismissive of those that do.
I think the point we should be getting from this post is that your kids don’t love you more based on what you buy them! The poorest parents in the world can be the best because it is all the other non-material things that make a good parent. Sometimes it is hard for us to remember that when we’re standing in the store with a screaming toddler (or teenager) saying “we can’t afford that”. We are so brainwashed in our society that “good” parents enroll their kids in the top private schools, pay for expensive sports or music lessons, buy designer clothes for their infants and earn top income (in their spare time).
May 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Great message! How we feel inside affects how we parent our children. We can’t expect our kids to “do as I say and not as I do”.
Giving them the opportunity to learn how to make healthy choices for themselves is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
Oh and on the subject of spirituality, more and more spiritual groups are popping up everywhere for that social aspect.
May 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm
re: Religion
Both my husband and I were raised in very religious homes (religious sounds weird- we were very involved in our churches sounds more like it..) but we no longer identify as Christians and don’t attend a church unless we are visiting our parents and they beg to have the opportunity to show off their grandchild. That said, I absolutely understand that religious involvement has a profound positive effect on children. I struggle with the fact that I have no idea how to raise a kid outside of a church environment. Even in mine and my husband’s interactions, it is quite apparent that our world view was formed around Christian standards and I can’t imagine how my son will understand the way we think about things without learning the background… He won’t even understand half of our jokes! I do intend to pass on a high moral standard but it will be a learning curve since when I was taught right and wrong, it was taught on the basis that right is right because God says so and vice versa. I am not sure how I will be able to recreate the social aspect of church involvement and it saddens me that he will not experience that but I am hopeful that we will find some other way to ensure that he is surrounded by a close knit group of people that care about him.
May 2, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Amanda, thank you. My point.
As for the rest, it is only taken as judgmental by you because you feel that way-defensive. I don’t attack those who dont’ have religious beliefs as I said in my post. Yikes was meant to be just that-Yikes. Your children tell you they believe and you don’t? I guess I just don’t understand how that happens. Peer pressure lol?
As for my faith, it is in GOD. Call it what you want. And does my parenting involve the church? Not necessarily. It is part of our lives and existence so….church is just a small aspect. My children thrive having their belief system in place and yes they can question it all they want as I do also. Open and honest. Nothing social about it either. I’m sorry you feel I judge..I’m not. I just don’t understand that person who posted about the kids believing and the parent not.
Cast your stones.
May 2, 2012 at 6:47 pm
My 2 cents…
I think that as a parent, one needs to set rules and expectations. Some of the unhappiest children (poor social relationships, struggling in school) seem to come from families where there is little structure. One parent came right out and said, “We have no rules”. Today, the son had to write a prayer (class assignment — Catholic school), and he asked Mary to “make him nice”. Broke my heart.
Set expectations. Children tend to feel good that you believe that they can live up to them. They feel loved, cared for, when they know there are rules.
May 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm
Re. kids and commitment to activities and sports: I think that three years could be a long time to listen to a lot of whining and complaining for no good reason. I wouldn’t put myself through it! When my kids were younger we used to say they would have to finish the session or season or whatever we had signed up and paid for, and they knew that going in. This has worked out fine. I would like my kids to have the opportunity to try something new if they wanted to. They were never signed up for a lot of activities so I am happy that they were the ones that they chose.
May 2, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I’m going to take this conversation in a different direction. I am not a parent, and I have no idea if I will ever be. But I am a teacher — a kindergarten teacher. Really, I see a lot of outcomes of parenting in the classroom. It is shocking to me how many parents just assume that their job is to love their kids, feed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed every night. Parenting does not end when those children are sent off to school. If I send home reading books and they do not ever get read, it is the child who is directly affected. I am careful with homework; I do not ask much because I know people are busy. But really, it is a 10 minute job!! I have taught several grades, and each time, there are monumental differences at the end of the year for parents who tried their best to help their children with schoolwork. The same goes for discipline at home. We have 20-30 students in our classrooms and do our best, but the parent has such an impact on their child until they are a teenager. It makes me really upset, because I care so much about the children and wish I could spend more time with them to help. Yet, they actually do belong to their parents. I continually ask the question: If parents love their children enough, and they say they would do anything for them, then why don’t they?
May 2, 2012 at 9:29 pm
@Cas – great point! My parents were Foster Parents when I was in university and what I found interesting – the foster children would fight my mom on the rules at first but then, if my mom slipped one night, they would be saying to her “Isn’t it our bedtime”? So yes, you are so right! Kids crave the discipline and routine since it signifies someone cares.
I am fortunate to have been raised in a very affectionate family and I am the same way with my children. I can’t hug and kiss them enough! And I so agree with relieving stress – I find myself getting angry with my kids when my work load is too much and really, that’s not their fault.
I also agree with maintaining relationships – which is so easy to overlook. Hubby and I pay extra to do an activity together each week we enjoy – costs a lot to hire a sitter too but it’s worth it to have that time to hang out with each other and other adults and have fun.
@ April – I don’t think anyone has a problem with religious parents raising their children to be that way. There are many benefits to religious communities. However, your original comment of “Yikes” made it sound like those who don’t raise their children that way are not being good parents and with that, I disagree. That’s why I like Gail’s term of “spirtuality”. I truly believe in God but differently than I was raised and I, as an adult, would like my parents to respect my choice (I think that’s what the person meant by their child thinking differently religiously). I was raised Catholic and have fond memories of the sense of peace I felt going to church. On the other hand, I have some serious concerns with the historical control and the fact that priests who molested children were never charged like any other criminal would have been. Do I want my children to respect that? No. When I questioned a nun in a course I took why women could not be priests or why priests could not marry, the response I received was “Because that’s the way it’s always been”. Not a good enough answer for me. I want my children to believe in God and community but also to question what does not seem right or fair. Some religions are better for that than others. And if one of my children come to me one day wanting to practise a different religion because they’ve explored and enjoy it (ex. to get married to a partner of that belief), that to me is their choice.
I think the key is that all of us want our children to be respectful and part of a community.
None of us are perfect as parents – we all learn from our mistakes. Gail has set a good reminder for me that children really do learn from our actions, not just our words.
May 2, 2012 at 9:40 pm
Some great advice here! No children yet, but it’s always nice to hear what the experienced have to say.
May 3, 2012 at 9:42 am
Who would have thought the first poster would provoke such comments?
@ Sarah – thank you for being a teacher, you made some good points about discipline. I have a four year old and my wife and I have always stressed manners with him – and he’s often complimented on them which makes him happy and us proud.
re: religion – I’m not religious nor am I particularly defensive about it. I’m just not. If my son were to become religious when he became old enough to make a conscious decision to do so (ie bringing children to church is not something I’d do, but if at 15 he wanted to go to a synagogue I’d be fine with that as long as he makes an informed choice). PS I’m not Jewish.
I think in general what I have found most life-changing about being a parent is the joy I get out of seeing my son succeed – or rather try – at something. It’s the try that counts. I don’t want him to be a quitter but I also want him to try different things out (within reason).
In general what I fear I will struggle with most is if he’s very different from me. I think we all struggle with that a bit. I mean in some respects I think I want a mini-me but really waht I want is someone who thinks for themselves and does what they think is right, and thier logic and reason are sound. That, and for him to invent the next facebook.
May 3, 2012 at 12:44 pm
I agree with Gail that “religion” seems out of place on this list. Our family is not religious, but I teach my children compassion and tolerance. Our girls have their freedom to pursue whatever faith and spirituality appeals to them despite our atheism. This has not left them maladjusted; on the contrary it seems to have prevented a lot of barriers. They have friends of many different religious backgrounds and nationalities and they have interest in learning about all faiths and beliefs rather than comparing everyone to what they “know” about spirituality.
May 3, 2012 at 1:40 pm
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May 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm
@Aimee – excellent point! I can tell you too that working at a very multicultural school, I find the students respectful and tolerant of others because they are exposed to such a wide range of beliefs and have friends of various backgrounds and religions. I’m with you on teaching kids about compassion and tolerance.