WMW: Ages and Stages
Posted by Gail | Filed under Money & Family, Take Control, talking about money
This post is a part of Women’s Money Week 2012. For more posts about Ages & Stages, see womensmoneyweek.com.
I recently received a letter from a woman who had to live through the angst of nursing her dying mother while raising six-year-old twins. It got me thinking about how families have changed. It used to be Mom was completely healthy and independent well past the time when Junior was heading off to university or his first job. Nowadays, late stage marriages and remarriages mean that the old family portrait looks quite different from today’s snapshot. And what was supposed an empty nest is bursting at the seams as aging parents, young children, divorcing children with their own young ‘uns, and kids home from university all fighting for space and attention.
Boomers are the sandwich generation, squished from both sides and spewing out the edges. In helping to launch our children into happy and responsible adulthood, we are expected to help them assume financial responsibility for themselves, to learning the value of a dollar, and to know when to defer gratification for the sake of the bigger picture. Even as we unbridle our yearlings we may be called upon to pick up the reins for our aging parents. And all this while we wonder about our own careers, expectations that have remained unfulfilled, and retirement.
When it comes to the kids, you may be in one of two positions: they may not yet have left home, or they may be boomeranging back – alone, or with spouse and/or children in tow.
Probably the most important part of the boomerang-kids phenomenon is dealing with the emotional side of the change. If children are forced to move home because of a job loss, divorce or disability, you’ll have to help them deal with the impact on their self-esteem. Don’t think yourself immune to heated moments as you redefine your roles within the new family structure. Your children may at once love you for being there to help and hate you for their need for your help. Or you may experience both compassion for your children and resentment at being put back on duty as caregiver, financial supporter, grown-up.
Lots of families have to pull together to get through tough times. As the glue that binds the sandwich, you’ve got to stay healthy, maintain your own goals, and come first, at least some of the time, if you want to hold the family together.
One of the downsides of being the filling in the sandwich generation is the complete lack of control that comes with being tugged at from too many different sides. It’s frustrating. It’s emotionally draining. And it’s expensive. Prioritizing becomes an essential skill in maintaining some sense of balance in both our lives and our finances.
Of course, the ones in the middle aren’t the only ones who feel stress. Elder parents often experience high levels of stress. As they age and their children assume more responsibility for them, they lose a sense of having any power over their environment and decisions. It’s a Catch-22, for if control seems to be external, then they may lose their desire to make their own decisions.
One of the most damaging myths surrounding aging is that getting old automatically means a decline in mental facilities. At 40 I forget things, as I will at 50 and 60. Women blame it on the brain cells we lost during pregnancy and we laugh. Both sexes blame it on the fact that we must hold seventeen thoughts at once and we laugh. It’s easy, when we’re young, to dismiss it as just having too much on our minds. But when we’re old and forget things, we automatically blame age. Unfortunately, when we project a limiting myth onto our aging parent, it becomes self-perpetuating
If your parent is not yet fully dependent on you but you’re worried about the little things falling through the cracks, there are small steps you can take to ease your mind. Arrange for the automatic payment of important, recurring bills. This prevents hassles and interruptions in service if required payments aren’t made. Arrange to be notified if a non-automatic payment is missed. And arrange for the direct deposit of pension and benefit checks into bank and brokerage accounts. Consider setting up a joint account with telephone banking privileges so you can do a quick check to make sure everything in the account is going smoothly (no overdrafts!) several times a month.
Reuniting households sometimes works like a charm — or not — depending upon the temperament, flexibility, and tolerance of the parties involved. It is important for all members of the family to deal with conflicts and communication issues before they become problems. Mutual respect will bring you closer to a functioning multi-generation family that can forge a workable and healthy living environment.
March 9, 2012 at 10:06 am
Gail Thanks for this. DH’s mom currently cares for his 93 year-old grandmother while they are in retirement. It puts quite a strain on their finances. While his mom has said she never wants to put us in that position, DH is an only child and I know he will feel the need to be responsible for them. I have a sibling, so at least we can share the load from our side.
On the other side, my dear friend has had to move home to stay with retirement aged parents, due to a divorce and lack of employment in her field. Its good to remind myself of what they’re facing when I help console her about being stuck at home.
All these posts this week are helping me prepare for the future, when I know my family will become the next Sandwich Generation.
March 9, 2012 at 10:42 am
Between my husband and I, we have siblings ranging from 40 to 6. Our parents are from different generations and his grandparents are the same age as my parents. It makes for an interesting family situation. My family members are older and well situated but we worry about having to support my husband’s family to some degree at some point. Thankfully, they have been relying on help from the older generation but we fear what will happen when that tap runs dry.
March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am
My parents are still in great health thank goodness. I know that when they start to decline my brother already has plans made. It isn’t that I wouldn’t want to help out, it will be that he won’t relenquish control. My temperment isn’t as idealy suited to that predicament either, so luckily my brother has the finances, and the determination to take care of it. Unfortunately when there will come a time to make really difficult decisions he will be a mess, and it will be me to decide things. He will descend into despair, and not understand why I am not, it’s because there is no one to pick me up if I give in to that.
March 9, 2012 at 11:11 am
Boomers are not the only ones in this situation. I’m an over-40 generation X, with young children, older parents, a household to build and maintain. Some friends are already dealing with parents who need their almost constant attention. The task is huge.
In this week where we look at women and money, it’s important to mention that most of the time, it’s women who will be expected to stop working or reduce their hours to care for the elderly parents. Another blow to women’s income.
I can see some change, though. A couple I know decided they would share the task: they both could arrange things with employers so they could both reduce a few hours at work. And a few years ago, when my grand-mother needed care at home, it’s my aunt’s husband who was home and provided help for my grand-mother. It was hugely appreciated!
March 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Perfect timing is this article. I’m officially the inside filling of a sandwich and I am likely suffering some depression now to boot. I am mom of 3 children, 12, 8 and 2. Wife to shift worker. I’m a Realtor in my first 2 years…struggling is beyond what this is now…and a few months ago my beloved mom, the core of our family, suffered a stroke while driving. She is recovering, but it was terrifying, and now she is (forced) retired because of it. She and my dad are struggling to get things adjusted, my sister (unmarried) is dealing with alot of day to day, as am I. It’s awful. I don’t like it. The emotional aspect is brutal, I’ve been grown up and married for years, but this felt like a slap, being forced to face death and losing a parent and growing up and losing all comforts of what it is to have your mom and dad in your life. I’ve lost the ability to feel secure…my mom used to babysit now and then when I needed it, and while she is starting to again, it isn’t the same. I feel lost and alone. I feel like my own identity is off somehow….my children have changed also because of this all….my marriage is suffering sometimes….it’s all just not fun and a huge change.
March 9, 2012 at 1:05 pm
@April, your message broke my heart! My advice to you is to build the community around you strong: good friends, special aunts, elderly neighbours, and talk, talk, talk to your husband! You can be each other’s rock… this is advice from someone who is 39 and has been dealing with a sick parent (MS patient) for 26 years.
On the hard days (my selfish days!), I remind myself that not only is it hard for me, but to think about my mom who has had life stolen from her all these years.
March 9, 2012 at 1:14 pm
@April…so many things going on at the same time for you. Just remember to take a breathe. Remember that it could have been worse. You still have your mother and you should rejoice in that knowledge. It is truly a gift. Things will get better as you and your family adjust to the changes you are facing.
My DH and I have been the filling in our “club” sandwich for many years now. I have a stepdaughter who has had mental issues her whole life and has only been living on her own for the last 10 years (she is 40) as we raised our son (now 25). He is the boomerang generation, back from University, out and then back now until he gets financially set at his very recent new job and part-time school in another field.
My DH and I have also been assisting with his almost 93 year old mother who has been legally blind for the last 7 or so years, has Alzheimers and can barely walk w/assistance. But she remains in her own home (fiesty one she is) and DH gets help in for her an a regular basis. Luckily his sister resides with her and his other sibling helps out as well. We are also lucky that our mother has the financial means to get that help in and all her children are working together. I know that isn’t always the way with families.
On the other side, my mother at almost 88 still drives (but not highways) short distances and other than high blood pressure that is controlled has no other major health issues. Some of my siblings have tried to get her to look to the future, but to no avail. One sibling doesn’t work with any of the others. Families can be so complex. Here’s hoping we will get through to our mother soon.
Just glad that DH and I are on the same page and that we take time out for us so that we can be more help (the filling) to the many slices in our club sandwich!
March 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm
This message is timed so well! This whole week I’ve been helping my Mom plan out her retirement budget and official retirement date. I’ve felt the stress knowing that if it doesn’t balance we’ll be taking care of her, along with DH’s Mom (whom we will be forced to support during retirement). My mom has been stuck on the idea of retiring this year and, despite a $250 monthly shortfall on an already squeezed budget, is refusing to budge.
On the positive side of things, having this first-hand experience in planning retirement at such a young age has been a serious wake-up call for me. I know I don’t want to burden my children with this, and just signed up at the bank yesterday to boost our retirement savings by 5%.
March 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Jackie and Terry thank you.
Jackie, I am trying to …my relatives are horrendous and selfish…only one of my mom’s sisters has been decent….and one brother…there are 6 plus mom. My sis is OCD and has caused alot of added tension between my parents…she’s 33 has her own place but insists on staying with mom as dad works out of town all week….and I’m 39 so….just all over the place. Thank you for the support. Hubby and I are good…but very far apart sadly…no time for us.
March 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Timely message for me, I am between the two generations for sure. My son is set to move out for the first time in a few months, and after a difficult few months he is in a good place, but now once again I am dealing with large issues with my Mom. The loser, my stomach! I have had to draw lines to keep some things from becoming my responsibility, and that’s almost as stressful as not drawing lines because other family members supply lots of pressure for me to shoulder more responsibility. Sometimes I apply the rule I would to finances, I didn’t create your mess, I warned you away from creating your mess over and over, I will help as I am able but what and how much I do is my choice. I usually only say that to myself, but it helps. Don’t really know any other way to do it.
March 9, 2012 at 6:09 pm
My parents have a very structured budget now that they are retired. My inlaws are a little less structured. They just bought a new car and added a monthly payment to their expenses! Oh no. The car they replaced ran fine. My mil even bought an iphone.
March 9, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Anon: Can your Mom find ways to boost her income? For example, does she have room in her home and would she be willing to bring in an international / exchange student? This can help bring in $750 per month (less food costs) and can also add some company for a single person. I had a number of female relatives who have done this.
Alternatively, is there some sort of work she can do part-time casually for a few extra dollars each month? ie: maybe looking after a neighbourhood child one day a week if that is something she would be good at. Or I also know some young seniors who work for statistics canada on short-term contracts – it is very flexible part time temporary work if you are somewhat comfortable talking to people.
These may not work for your Mom, but I post them as ideas for some other young retirees who may be looking for just a little bit more income.
Any other suggestions out there?
March 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Wow! Do I know this story so well! My mom at 74 became very sick and lost her mobility and became demented to boot. She had no plans in place for this kind of disaster. I tried to take care of her at her home (she lives in a granny flat on our farm) and found it was just too much. After two months of this as her primary care-giver, 7 days a week, I found I was broken. The added expenses were unbelievable! In Ontario you only get 2 hours a day of home care and you get one month free equipment you need to care for someone like my mom. After this you have to ‘rent’ this equipment. A hospital bed costs $180. per month, a hoyer lift costs $220. per month and the list of things you need is endless. Her special dressings cost $50. for only 5 of them… She was also placed on a med that was not covered by trillium and that was $30. per week. She is a fixed income senior with only CPP. She became very sick at home and is now in long term care and we got the first bill today for that. Her pension will just cover it ($46. per day) we still have to get this med for her, pay for her hair to be washed, pay a podiatrist to do her toe nails (she’s also diabetic so the nursing staff won’t trim her nails), pay for anything else she needs. Not only do I have all the emotional stuff of not being able to care for her at home, but now I have to juggle all of her finances. It’s a real maze for sure. Now I have to figure out what to do with her home, the utilities, her pets and all the rest of it. Obviously we can’t leave it without heat and power and her pets can’t live there alone. My advice? Make a plan while your parents are of sound mind and healthy. Make a plan for finances and personal care. It’s a tough conversation but one that will safe you so much grief later on.
March 10, 2012 at 12:49 am
Wow, there are pieces of my life all through these e-mails.
As awful as this sounds, I am so glad to know that I’m not the only one juggling Everything and Everyone.
I’ve learned from the last few (several) years that I am no good to anyone if I get burned out. Taking time for myself is pretty much impossible, but I have to Carve that time out.
The rule book says “sandwiched mom’s are not allowed to get sick”, so Gail,Heather, Marianne, Lisa, Annick, April, Jackie, Terry,Elizabeth, Stephanie, Jen & L.J. no matter how difficult, you need to take a wee bit of time for yourself.
Sitting in a parking lot just for 10 minutes of undisturbed “me time” counts. You would be surprised how refreshing and rejuvenating that little bit of breathing room is.
March 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm
I find I’m unraveling. Between working, being chauffeur to my kids, trying to prepare home made meals, keeping up with housework, maintaining a budget, maintaining myself, and dealing with my parents health and niece’s mental health issues, I’m struggling to find energy for anything or prioritize. I can’t seem to find a balance and I’m failing miserably at trying to do it all, and my kids aren’t even in barely any extra curricular activities. Hubby’s been working a lot of OT, and he does his part by taking care of household repairs, and keeping the woodstove going, walking the dog, doing his laundry, and maintaining the vehicles, so I can’t ask for extra help there. I feel guilty with some of the easy prepared foods we use, but I can’t think how I’m supposed to serve nutritious home made stuff all the time, yet I don’t want my kids consuming packaged food. I don’t spend much money on myself, then coworkers comment on my hair or clothing… I should “step it up” I guess, because I’m out of place with them… I’d like to see my parents more, particularly during this current health scare, but my mind is in such emotional confusion with the role they’ve taken on as caregiver to their grand-daughter, that seeing them sends me into further turmoil…
I’m selfish I guess. I don’t want to do it all…I’m tired of trying to look out for everybody.
March 11, 2012 at 11:49 am
@Cas, not selfish, but tired. You sound like you need some time for you. Life can pass you by pretty quick when you are so busy. May I suggest a slow cooker for nutritious and easy meals? easy to throw together the night before. Also pick a night to have something packaged, as a “treat”, and don’t feel guilty about it!! My kids started making their lunches at a young age the night before, but i make sure there is everything they need-of course i make them if they don’t have time though and my husband has always made his own. Nap in the car between picking up kids if you need to. Also something that i have always found, is that even when you feel like you can’t squeeze anything else in, take a walk!! Fresh air is an amazing mood lifter-and you come back energized! and the dishes and laundry etc can wait 20 -30 mins.!! I think that when we are under stress it’s very important to have a way to cope, mentally and physically, so I hope you find what works for You. Take care.
March 11, 2012 at 9:22 pm
@ Joey: thanks… The nap thing was what I really needed… Overtired=overwhelmed. Now I’m better rested, and realize I’ve got to find a way to let some things go and also do something for me… I love this blog for all the support people give one another.. I started reading another blog about eating organically and eliminating processed foods, and it’s like an all or nothing thing, and I’ve really started feeling bad about some of the foods I’ve given my kids… And we don’t use a lot of frozen foods, or do take out or fast foods, but we do use canned goods, and packaged cookies, crackers, bread, etc. and I feel like I’ve put my kids at huge health risks… Between that and life, I took on too much… Maybe because that’s a journey I’ve only just begun, and here, I feel well on the road to stress free financial planning… But I think this is also a more supportive community… Thank you for your role in that. Am treating myself to a hair app’t tomorrow, then hopefully I’m psyched to visit my parents and niece… Dinner will be in the slow cooker. Tomorrow will be a brighter day. Literally. These temperatures are certainly helpful for mood elevating!