What Is Family?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
I made dinner for my Brighton family last night, people to whom I am related by mind and by heart, but not by blood. As is typical when family gets together, the discussion turned to the crazies among us and just how much hard work it is to keep a family together.
I don’t know why we were sold the idea of a “perfect family.” It’s dumb. Worse, it’s a lie, and it sets an expectation that makes us feel like losers when we fall short.
To me, a perfect family is one that accepts you for who you are, let’s you make an ass of yourself without judging you (it’s no reflection on them after all, is it?) and has your back.
I’ve been loved by people to whom I am related. I have been loved by people to whom I am not related. And I’ve been loved by people to whom I became related. My track record is spotty.
I’ve had the unconditional love of a relative, but not always from my immediate family. I’ve had the unconditional love of friends, perhaps more often than I expected. I’ve had the unconditional love of a mate, only to watch it dissipate. That was, perhaps, the hardest love to lose.
There’s a tradition in the female line of my family. My great-grandmother died not speaking to my grandmother. My grandmother died not speaking to my mother. And my mother took herself away for about 13 years – almost all my children’s lives. We are reconciled, but it isn’t an easy reconciliation.
When my mother broke up with me, I had to explain it to a very confused four-year-old Alex. “Can this happen to us?” she asked me, as she tried to understand how the woman who had spoken with me every day of her life had suddenly stopped.
“Never” I said. “Never because we know it can happen and we won’t let it.”
I think knowing that families aren’t perfect is important. I think that knowing it takes work to make a family function, that it won’t always be smooth sailing, and that some times you just have to walk away for a minute to catch your breath is important.
Perhaps because I’ve had a rocky road with family, I tend to treasure the people who come into my life with their hearts wide open. They help me to sparkle and I love to do the little things that make them smile. If their shit gets too stinky for them to manage alone, I’m happy to bring over my shovel.
Don’t forget to tell the people in your family that you love them. Of course they know. That doesn’t change how great it is to hear it over and over and over and over and over.
February 20, 2012 at 9:22 am
Great message today for Family Day (here in Ontario). Thanks, Gail! I’m going to tell my daughters and husband today how much they mean to me as we spend this holiday together enjoying the winter playground outside!
February 20, 2012 at 9:23 am
So touching Gail and oh so true. Give a hug to those you love and have a great day!
February 20, 2012 at 9:27 am
Gail – so touching and so true. Family is what you make it. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Happy Family Day! (From NS, where we don’t have one).
February 20, 2012 at 9:28 am
Today is Family Day AND my father’s 79th birthday…the whole family will be together to celebrate…this is an extra special one because in November my dad suffered a cardiac arrest…he was actually deceased for several minutes…(it all happened while my boys and I were at my parents for our regualar Saturday lunch…I was able to perform CPR until the paramedics arrived)…he is home now and the only residual effect from all of this is a left leg that has severe nerve damage…we are going to celebrate well today..with alot of anticipation of good things for the next year!!
Have a great Family Day everyone!!!!!!
February 20, 2012 at 9:58 am
Gail the story of your Gran/Great Gran/Mother reminds me very much of my Grandmother (94) and her sister (87) who haven’t spoken in over 25 years. Neither one of them will budge. And this alone saddens me as with her age and severely declining health I’m afraid they will not reconcile before my gran passes.
My sister and I were never close but when she was diagnosed terminally ill we spent alot of time together. Though we never truly bonded I’m so happy we got to spend time together, talking, laughing, reminicing. It helped heal a small part of my soul that was missing that sister connection.
Have a wonderful Family Day Gail and all those who come to read today!
February 20, 2012 at 10:01 am
An excellent message and I think one that gets lost is the BS sometimes.
We have a rule in our family, you never say “good bye” without saying “I love you”.
A few years back, my, then 14 year old, daughter had a horrible fight with her father (with whom I am divorced) she hung up on him and was very angry, I made her call him back and tell him that she loved him. I told her she was allowed to be angry and she didn’t have to forgive him but she did have to tell him that she loved him. A few days later another campus shooting occurred in Virginia and someone from our NS community was lost. While we didn’t know the woman personally, it was the first time one of these events struck so close to home and my daughter was particularly impacted by it. It really drove home the message my husband and I try to convey, that life is really too short and we never know when the last time we speak to someone will be. Her relationship with her father is still rocky at best but she loves him and she knows he loves her, the rest always sorts itself out eventually.
February 20, 2012 at 10:09 am
It sounds as though your life matches that of many, many others … mine included
… all of whom are faced with the idea of that ideal family.
Thanks for offering all of us this insight … hope for tomorrow
Blessings!
February 20, 2012 at 10:16 am
It’s comforting to know that there are others in the same situation. As I see my children grow without a connection with their grandparents, I am filled with guilt. Their grandparents won’t make time for them, and have even “disowned” us, and thereby, them. It saddens me. It makes me feel like I must be a horrible person, because it’s certainly no fault of my children.
And, my mother heard of all the stories regarding my MIL, and yet, she’s doing much the same thing. Her time is occupied by her oldest grandchild, who has moved in with them, and she goes to movies and restaurants with, and even took her on vacation to Florida. But she couldn’t come see my daughter’s last dance performance one morning. And, she doesn’t ever spend time with my children without their cousin present also. (This granddaughter is 24). I feel sad; my children are growing up so fast, and my mom (and dad) are missing it.
February 20, 2012 at 10:37 am
We all have exectaions of what our families will be like. What we want our marriages to be like. what we want our relationships to be like . Its hard to let them go. and its hard to realize that we cannot fix it.
The best we can do , is work on the relationships that we can work with. For thre are people who simply do not want to have the relationship any other way but the narrow vision of what they view it to be.
February 20, 2012 at 10:52 am
This story is familiar to me as it is true in my own family. Mother’s not speaking to mother’s and passing it down through the family. I also have siblings who do not speak and have just left the family.
It’s good to remember the love of friends and family on this family day!!
May you all feel blessed with the love you are receiving, not matter where it come from.
February 20, 2012 at 11:00 am
Thank you so much for sharing this post today, Gail. I have a similar experience with my own mother – we haven’t spoken in six years, and before that I was estranged from my father for 10 years. The rest of my family lives overseas, so I’ve found much of my “relatives” are people who I’m not even related to at all!
February 20, 2012 at 11:10 am
I’m with ya, Gail!
I’ve buiIt my own tribe over the years and stay close to them. I have ‘ litter mates’ since sibling would indicate a real relationship but I find it exhausting to put on a layer of emotional armour just to get through a family dinner without being scarred permanently by nasty/funny comments. Quick! Duck! Incoming insult!
You can guess who shows up when I’m in trouble and who meant to call but was busy.
Now at family stuff I practice breathing, staying in the moment and being kind.
Oh, and I practice ducking before I go! It’s a good warm up.
February 20, 2012 at 11:13 am
Well said Gail. I love your line of treasuring the people who come into our lives with their hearts wide open. It is our friends who choose us….family doesn’t. I will keep my family and friends in my thoughts today.
February 20, 2012 at 11:24 am
It makes me both sad and relieved that I am not the only person out here in this situation. My mother doesn’t like me, never has, won’t explain it, end of story. This is why the relationships I have with my three (grown) daughters, as diverse in needs and personality as they are, are so important to me. It is also why my chosen family–those I have chosen and those who have chosen me–are so precious. Thankfully my partner’s family have welcomed me and mine with open arms–I have often joked that whatever happens between us I am keeping his family. Thank you for this post today; it made me take a moment to stop and think and be thankful.
February 20, 2012 at 11:38 am
A family comes like a box of chocolates. Some we love, some we dislike, some are mysterious and some are simply the best thing you could ever experience. I have many friends who are more of a family to me then some of my family. But I do love and treasure the ones around me and I hope they know this. At 55 I’m fortunate that my Mom (75) and my Dad (78) are still around. But my most precious family member besides my son is my Grandmother. She’s 89 years old and is so full of love… it’s remarkable being loved by someone like that.
Not being Canadian… I didn’t realize there was a “family day” celebration. That’s great.
PS: Will your show ever feature peeps from the US?
February 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm
It’s amazing how many of us have disfunctional families. My mother is currently not speaking to me. Honestly, I just don’t care. We’ve never had a close relationship. She recently visited, and decided to bring up stuff that was 30 years old… from when my dad and her divorced. She tried to make all the hardships I’ve faced about her. And blame my dad for what she doesn’t have… a close relationship with me and my children. I called her on it, and now she refuses to speak to me. But this is nothing new, she often ignored me growing up while she was drunk….
Fortunately I had grandma when I was growing up (dad’s mom) who was a wonderful role in my life. And it’s with her and my dad’s love that I was strong enough to break the cycle of alcoholism, drug abuse and mental health issues. Yes, I have a mental illness. I am BiPolar. But I live a happy life with a good husband, wonderful children, and a very supportive extended family. None of it is prefect, but with hard work, we make things work!
Contrary to my mothers brief of me having “the perfect life”, the “perfect marriage” etc. None of those things exist. And we all work for what we have… my DH and son are out in the barn… my daughter and I just spent the morning cleaning the house together.
This afternoon we will spend some quality family time together before heading off for hockey game #3 of the weekend! Go Team Go!
Happy Family Day to those enjoying it!
February 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Great message! My husband’s family is a bit broken and he grew up not knowing one of his grandparents and not seeing his other grandparents often for quite some time. Since he’s been an adult he’s been able to mend some relationships and meet his grandfather. It’s been a bit weird for him (Hey Grampa! lol) and it’s hard for us to know how to suddenly make a relationship with a grandparent when you don’t actually feel a connection but he’s at least glad that he’s been able to meet him and we’ll just take the rest one step at a time.
February 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Just wanted to add, Wednesday will be 14 yrs since Grandma has been gone! I still miss her everyday!
February 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Some people, blood or not, will love and honor us. It is on us to treasure them, whoever they may be, and to stop madly obsessing on obtaining love and acceptance from those who “should” love and honor us, but who obviously do not.
Happy Family Day to Canada!
February 20, 2012 at 12:56 pm
Gail, thanks for the message, and for sharing. Family’s a tough nut to crack it, and unconditional love isn’t limited to those to whom we’re related by blood. Good reminder to make the most of what we have and to enjoy most those who love us.
February 20, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Great message. Unfortunately there can be addiction or mental health issues that change the dynamic. It’s still important to have unconditional love & to let those people know it, even if there is little or no reciprocation.
February 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I hope to be someone soon that has the ability to be on the ball with connecting with my family. It seems I am always too busy to see my loved ones. Also with young children we seem to always have someone sick. Hopefully spring will come quick and with it less colds.
February 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Thank you Gail and Happy Family Day!
February 20, 2012 at 4:52 pm
In my opinion unconditional love needs to be earned. It isnt a birth right. Just because someone is part of my family doesnt mean I have to accept them for who they are. The reality is that people are flawed. You either choose to accept peoples flaws or not.
February 20, 2012 at 6:07 pm
I love my brother from afar:) Can’t stand to be in the same room with him or live with him growing up. We are each close with our mom but I am sure we come from different planets, I come from Earth and I am not sure where he came from
Happy Family Day in Ontario 
February 20, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Happy Family day from this Albertan. Thanks for sharing such personal moments.
February 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Gail – I have to start a book with your memorable quotes! I love this one: If their shit gets too stinky for them to manage alone, I’m happy to bring over my shovel.
TOO FUNNY! LOL
I am fortunate – my mom grew up in a dysfunctional family and made sure that we wouldn’t – family always came first in our lives and we knew (know) we were (are) loved. I am try to do the same with my family. Life is too short to hold grudges!
Today we had a wonderful family day! We played hockey with the kids in the driveway, went to the playground close to home and had a family movie night! I love spending time as a family and it didn’t cost us a cent!
Thanks for the great reminder Gail and thanks too for letting us know that it’s ok to be human and not be perfect.
February 21, 2012 at 7:01 am
Cas, don’t worry too much about grandparents missing their grandchildren. Like I keep telling myself, they are grownups and can make their own decisions so obviously the decisions they’ve made are the ones they want. They may wish they’d made a different decision as the years pass but I know that I won’t die with regrets.
And I woke up at 4:48am, one of my sisters/sisters-in-law should have their baby today!
February 21, 2012 at 11:22 am
@Cory, I agree with you. There’s an old saying: “you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.” I disagree with that statement because I think you can choose who in your family to interact with, based on their personality or behavior.
Having said that, I feel very fortunate to come from and still have a close-knit family. Even our blended family of eight kids still manages to get along fine. Oh sure, we get annoyed with each other at times but it never seems to last long. My hope is that that familial closeness continues as our young children get older.
February 21, 2012 at 11:45 am
Thanks for making me smile with this article today Gail!
February 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm
So true, no such thing as the perfect family. My gramma was more of a mother to me than my mother, who resented me for “ruining her life” – she got married because she was expecting me LOL. Anyway, I have a wonderful husband, who I could happily shoot sometimes, 4 great kids (2 adopted and 2 natural) who make me pull my hair out sometimes, but mostly fill my days with joy and many, many friends who I consider family. We fight and make up, but under it all is the love. Happy family day.
February 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Love this post! So many people I work with have beliefs that they should maintain relationships with people simply because they are related by blood, even though these people treat them terribly. I’m not advocating breaking up families by any means, but if one party isn’t willing to treat the other with basic respect, I don’t think you should feel obligated to continue to take abuse simply because of a familial relationship. On the other hand, I’ve also seen the heartache suffered in situations where people have lost touch with family members over something that seemed important at the time, but pride keeps the parties from reconciling after much time has passed.
I love the last line-as I kid, my Dad would say “I love you” and I would say “I know”, and he would respond, “But it doesn’t hurt to repeat it anyway.” He was so right. I put this into practice with my husband (who grew up without this sentiment) and now my kiddo (who’s too little to understand, but will one day).
February 21, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Love this post!
February 22, 2012 at 11:35 am
Timely post. I’m not astringed from most of my family. This being said I’m one of those grand child’s that has lived with watching my grandmother baby and come through for my older brother yet leave me in the cold. For the longest time it didn’t bother me because my great grandmother made a special point of having a relationship with me. Unfortunately my great grandmother passed 5 years ago (96 years old). It wasn’t a shock but it’s been sad ever since. Now I see comments to my brothers facebook and his new fiancé’s page about how she’s so exited they are getting married and how she just can’t wait to meet her I think of myself who was engaged a few months before my brother and I doubt my grandmother can even remember my fiancés name never mind befriend him on facebook. Sounds petty and small but it’s these things that make me not give a crap about whether or not a I have a relationship with her. While I still call her on holidays and her birthday, I don’t make any special attempt to impress her because no matter what I do I’m not her little grandson (who is 33 going on 16). Too bad really because I’m sure my children (when I have them) will have to deal with the same treatment. Lucky for me my mother is nothing like that and will hopefully treat all her grandchildren with equal love and affection.
February 23, 2012 at 9:59 pm
Last Friday, I took my youngest son, my step-son and a friend of theirs swimming. These teenagers have all known each other since they were in diapers. When the lady at the cash register asked if they were all siblings I did not blush when I said “Yes they are”. In my mind – these kids are siblings who will be present for each other for all of their future life events. It really got me thinking about family, how blessed I am to have two wonderful boys. How blessed I am to have two step-children I love dearly. How blessed I am to have 3 honorary children who have spent many hours in my home, as mine have spent in theirs. This group of kids are so close, that no matter whose home they are in, they feel at home. All of them have enriched my life.
February 24, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Wow. My family is just like all of you….and I thought I was the problem, but it appears it happens everywhere! What a burden lifted off my shoulders today!
This blog is like my family too! Very uplifting, always there when I need a kick in the pants or a big hug and always at the right time……
Love you Gail!
April 13, 2012 at 1:19 am
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