Entitlement
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
I’ve just finished shooting the last episode of Princess. Wow! It’s been a bit of an eye-opener because I’ve always known that there are people who are shallow and selfish, but I never before realized how they got that way. THEM WUZ MADE. Do you know why a Princess can’t tell when enough is enough? To a large extent it’s because they have developed the sense that they can have whatever they want, whenever they want it.
Where do you suppose this sense of entitlement comes from?
People who are raised in North America may have a sense of entitlement simply because they have no idea how lucky they are. If you’ve never been hungry, never wondered where you would sleep, never had to go without shoes, then your sense of what is by rights your due may be askew.
If every winter your family went on vacation to a warmer clime, if every summer you went to camp, if each fall you started the new school year with a fresh wardrobe and all the school supplies you could imagine, why would you think you were entitled to any less as an adult. Even if you haven’t got the income to support it, you have no idea why you can’t have everything you want when you want it. And if you’ve been handed a pile of credit, no doubt you’ll satisfy your sense of entitlement, damn the long-term costs.
People who watch a lot of TV, read flashy magazines and walk the malls have a sense of entitlement because they come to believe that “everyone else has one so I want one too.” But if everyone else is going into debt to have the lifestyle you crave, then what you’re craving isn’t real… it’s smoke and mirrors. Playing the keeping-up-with-the-Jones game is stupid at the best of times, but it’s suicidal if you’re doing it on credit.
Just look at the size of the houses we’re living in now compared to those our parents were raised in. Back then people were having more kids but living in houses far smaller than we’re willing to settle for today. And only the rich and famous could afford granite counters and marble floors. Now we want a room for every child, plus a living room, family room, media room, and kids’ playroom. And if we have to share a television, we’re hard-done-by. Unfortunately, as our expectations have gone up, our ability to pay for them has been seriously challenged.
While we like to castigate the younger generation for their rampant sense of entitlement, it’s not just a problem of youth and immaturity. Age has little to do with it. Spot a person who is worried about being judged by others and you can be sure that Princess is doing some judging of her own, regardless of the fact that she should be old enough to know better. See a Princess who puts more stock in her beauty routine than in their RRSP portfolio and you’ll bear witness to the shallow and insecure who must maintain an image even when it’s to the detriment of their family’s financial security. And as for the Princesses who bully and boast, pushing the people they claim to love around so they can have their own way, age has nothing to do with that.
The question I’ve been left with after working with 45 Princesses is this: Why do the people in their lives put up with their crap? What do you think?
February 24, 2012 at 7:47 am
Unfortunately, I think the Princess syndrome has an inextricable relationship with sexism and the belief (by both men and women) that women can’t take care of their financial needs. This, coupled with the positive feeling of chivalry and knight-in-shining-armour rescue that the rescuers feel, reinforces the cycle of detrimental bailout. People who support Princesses often feel sorry for them, and pity, rather than expressing true compassion, can actually be quite demeaning. Gail, I love that you have tackled this issue in your work, challenging women and their families to reconsider the positive effects of women’s financial independence.
February 24, 2012 at 7:49 am
I put up with them because at their core, I value them as friends. Their behaviour is not detrimental to me personally, and if they don’t want to change, there is only so much you can do. I have a friend who has, in the last five years, had to do a comsuner proposal for credit card debt, had the CRA come after her for not returning money to her RRSP that she took out to buy a townhouse she could not afford and will now have to sell, and who will probably have carved on her tombstone, ” where’d my money go?” I’ve given her your book, your budget sheet, the jars, everything but she’s still in the same mess. On the other hand, she’s accessoized to the nines and has more pairs of shoes than I’ve owned in a lifetime. But she’s a wonderful person and I won’t throw away our freindship for that.
February 24, 2012 at 8:28 am
I grew up in a family that didn’t have it all. We never oncetook a vacation, unless you count sitting at baseball parks for my older brothers game, “a vacation” (I don’t. I had dreams of going to West Edmonton Mall to go the indoor amusement park, or Darien Lake, or Wonderland, and most especially, Disney World / Disney Land.
I only got to go to Wonderland as part of school trips.
I understood that my parents could only cover the basics (and even then, I was pithing in). I learned pretty early that if I wanted anything that was “mine”, the babysitting money I would earn would have to pay for the things I wanted, like a full pack of pens where I get to have a red, blue and black pen for school supplies. Otherwise I would get two blue pens, nevermind all the other colours I wanted!
So, I worked and during the summers from grade 8 on, I worked full time hours caring for a family’s kids, and also worked nights and weekends.
I still had school debt, since paying for things I wanted or needed (i.e. snacks, dance class, clothes, helping my parents paybills, etc) throughout high school didn’t exactly allow me to save everything, but I did what I could to minimize my debt – I fast tracked through university, taking a 110% course load during the school year, worked, and did correspondence courses during the summer while working at home. At the end of it, I paid off my 28k in loans in 2.5 years, all while creating anice emergency fund and renting. There was no option for people to bail me out, and I think that is part of the issue with princesses.
They never had the expectation that they would need to do things for themselves.
As to living with them … That wouldn’t work for me! My friends (for the most part) are similar in how they look at tjings. I don’tknow of any prince(sse)s, but I think it’s because people tend to hang out in similar circles. I’m guessing that many of the friends themselves don’t fully “get it”
February 24, 2012 at 8:36 am
Luckily, I’m at the end of the baby boomers, and not only did I win the “I was born in Canada” lottery, I won the parent lottery. They were both born and raised during the depression and were savers…. Not the miserly go without at all costs, but the “let’s live within our means and buy things when we can afford them” type. In their later years they bought “luxury” things they could afford, like two cars, and GIC’s to help send the grand kids to college… but still nothing extravagent. It took me a while to catch on, I lived in debt for quite awhile before twigging (read: having the crap scared out of me) onto the idea of living within my means and getting hold of my financial life,
Consequently, I FINALLY bought “Debt Free Forever”, and though I had been paying back an alarming amount of debt, when I lost my job that stalled… I contacted all my creditors (before the book) and most were willing to work with me. Now I’m gainfully employed and fortunate enough to have 2 pensions that pay the mortgage and household utilities. The rest is going to savings, retirement and debt repayment. I did a debt settlement at the behest of a collections agency, yes I want the slate clean, and made sure they didn’t put the “settled less than the amount owed” clause in, won’t send them post dated checks (I got it reduced 65% AND got to pay over 12 months as I don’t have that kind of money now, otherwise I would have bitten the proverbial bullet and paid it all off). The jars to me are like a little kids game to see what I can have left at the end of every pay cycle.
Getting to entitlement, my sister learned the lesson in the cradle, damn her, and my brother continues on willy nilly at 49…. but it’s not my concern… I love him and support him, but won’t enable him. His son is a saver, and entrepreneur and a hard worker…. both my sister’s kids are hard workers and my niece is a saver… my nephew has a learning disorder and has trouble with the saving aspect, but never overspends and my sister makes sure he saves…. so yes, it’s generational. I walk the malls with my niece from time to time and buy nothing, bought a thermos to stop the coffee habit, and am happily building my emergency fund, RRSP and my truck fund. After debt comes mortgage payoff and truck!
I’m not a Princess, nor is anyone in my family, thankfully, but I can see how it happens….. I consider my self a Gail Disciple and a Jar Queen!
February 24, 2012 at 8:37 am
Quite possibly the older members of the family feel a twinge of guilt that they may have caused the problem in the first place. Family members I can understand putting up with it because they are, after all, family. I have no idea why friends tolerate this behaviour unless they are just hangers on hoping for free meals and gifts.
February 24, 2012 at 9:05 am
I think Princesses are users and manipulators and family members get tired of being harassed. Try saying “No” to a Princess if you aren’t Gail Vaz Oxlade. They can be vicious to get their special “treasures.” Eventually family members get worn down. I can easily see how it could happen.
February 24, 2012 at 9:07 am
There are always people who allow themselves to be used by others, the issue of princesses being only one narrow example. The behaviour of both allowing oneself to be taken advantage of and abetting certain actions of others, whether those actions be unfair, illegal, nasty, etc., must have some pay-off for which one is willing to “put up with their crap”.
February 24, 2012 at 9:17 am
I think for some, they feel important when someone needs them. Even when their princess is killing them financially, they are insecure that someone that “wonderful” (i.e., beautiful on the outside) would not stick around if they didn’t foot the bill all the time.
In other cases, I think it’s a case of habituation. The princess slowly but surely sweet talks their sucker into being used to paying for some things, then adds on, bit by bit, until the sucker doesn’t realize what a sucker he/she is being. You can see the shock on their faces when Gail reveals how much the princess’s life is being subsidized! I think for some of the parents, they just got so used to paying for everything for their kiddo, it never dawned on them that this person is now an adult and should be taking over for him/herself. I agree with a previous commenter that some parents might have a subtle sense that they created this problem in large part, and feel guilty cutting the purse strings now. The episode of TDDUP with the single mother, I think her name was Tammy, comes to mind. The parents spoke of needing to understand a need and a want for their 35 year old daughter, when they were paying her utilities, and Gail pointed out that at 35, this woman should know this for herself!
To generalize, I think in most cases, Princesses are the perfect storm of someone who is a master manipulator paired with someone who has a need fulfilled by taking care of or rescuing someone else.
February 24, 2012 at 9:24 am
thanks for the read Gail!
February 24, 2012 at 9:27 am
I work in the college system, and I can see that this sense of “entitlement” also translates into other aspects of their lives – they are “entitled” to succeed, because they’ve paid for their school; they are “entitled” to have their notes and such provided for them, because it has been the way they have known in the past; they are “entitled” to have re-takes on tests or exams, because they were sick and didn’t think they needed to let you; they are “entitled” to use their cellphones during class time, because they paid to be there and don’t care if it’s a distraction to the teacher or other students; etc, etc, etc.
Although I’m a fairly new professor, I can see that this “entitlement” trend is getting worse with every passing year – and more people, as Gail puts it, are simply “putting up with it” – probably because it’s easier to fold and give in than to fight and stick your ground. I wonder if there’s any hope for the future…?
February 24, 2012 at 9:53 am
Lylas17 — bang on!
I was thinking about my experience as a university professor while reading Gail’s post, and subsequent comments. A sense of entitlement does not end with the material; it extends into the learning environment as well.
What students do not seem to recognize is that their syllabus is a contract. By taking the course, they are agreeing to the terms of that contract. So, when I write that all assignments must be handed in on time or face a penalty of zero, I mean it — and yet, there are some who assume that the due date is flexible.
Or when I ask students to come prepared to discuss a ONE-PAGE reading, and only two students (out of 47) do… what is that? I abruptly cut my lecture short, told them they wasted my time by not being prepared, packed up my things and said I was going home. If they wanted to learn the material related to that day’s lecture, it would be up to them to look it up for themselves. I was done. So, I walked out of the lecture hall, leaving them all in their seats wondering what just happened.
Collectively, they’ve been prepared ever since.
The funny thing is, I’m pretty easy going. If students are having a hard time or have experience some sort of difficulty that prevents them from completing an assignment, I’d be happy to work out an alternate schedule — provided they tell me ahead of time. But, assuming that I’ll work around their schedule after due dates have passed, is the wrong assumption to make.
February 24, 2012 at 10:05 am
@Lylas, I won’t in the same system and I couldn’t agree more. It’s exhausting, but I won’t be manipulated.
My older sister is a Princess. I believe she was born that way. Is there an entitlement gene?! We have always been complete opposites and it’s been hard (on both sides) to bridge the gap. My dad in particular has never enabled her, to the detriment of their relationship. Sadly, they’re cordial on the phone but that’s it. From his point of view it’s stupid, short-sided and indulgent to lease status cars, pay $5000/ MONTH for horses, but not not carry private medical insurance for their daughter (live in s Calif). My sis believes dear old dad is a miserly, miserable curmudgeon. I see elements of both their viewpoints and I keep my mouth shut somewhere in the middle. But my family is, and will always be, fractured.
February 24, 2012 at 10:06 am
Oops. It’s the teacher in me. won’t =work
February 24, 2012 at 10:09 am
I see the entitlement trend growing stronger every year and trickling down to younger and younger children. They are entitled to as much name brand clothing as they wish. They are entitled to hand in school assignments late with no penalty (and indeed manh provinicial governments are backing that up *eye roll*), they are entitled to equal play time on the court/ice even if they didn’t bother to show up for practices on time, or at all. Limitless examples. This is learned behaviour – from their parents. It is truly frightening at times to watch it in action.
February 24, 2012 at 10:12 am
There is a great book for anyone wanting to understand this phenomena or wanting NOT to raise a princess despite being well off. It’s called The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. I highly recommend it.
February 24, 2012 at 10:20 am
@Doter,
Good for you! Whew, we face the same issues. Just yesterday i had a conversation with a student who wanted to submit an assignment two week late despite my explicit instructions on the syllabus (and in class) about deadlines. He took real umbrage with the fact that he’d be awarded a zero. “But, but, but I worked really hard on that”, was what I heard. I sent him to Student Services.
I’m not sure where this stems from but it is getting worse. However, if I enable this behaviour I undermine my own integrity and market myself as a push over.
You teach people how to treat you even in the classroom.
February 24, 2012 at 10:21 am
I think the people who raised these Princesses suffer from the same insecurity as the Princesses. Feeling guilty for not spending enough time with children so instead they make up for it by buying stuff for children, sending them away to camp in the Summer instead of having them at home and spending Summer breaks with kids. As someone in my late twenties I get sometimes grouped into that “entitled youth” upbringing but the difference with my family was my parents could not afford to buy my self or my brother everything we wanted under the sun. Instead we got to spend time with our parents when they had time off to go out and explore the city with our parents, go to local festivals, shopping trips (like Knobb Hill farms in Toronto now closed grocery warehouse). I remember how excited as a kid I would get traveling with my parents to the laundromat to do laundry! Just getting the chance to be out of the house even if it was for chores is what I remember most about my childhood. Talking with friends they say we were lucky! Our parents took us out, and a lot of my friends remember spending a lot of time at home and Mom and Dad going out and coming back. The occasional yearly trip, but they all had their own tv’s, video game consoles, even cell phones when they were first affordable but not the one thing they wanted more time out and about with their Parents. I would think that children of Parents who didn’t feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children possibly didn’t create “Princesses”
February 24, 2012 at 10:26 am
I have really noticed this sense of entitlement. My husband and I have talked extensively about how we can raise our kid up not feeling that he deserves all sorts of stuff just for existing. It worries me a bit. I absolutely believe it is learned behaviour passed down from parents. It is very hard for people to reverse it too even if they are aware of it because they are so used to certain behaviours. I know because this is something my husband deals with. He is accustomed to certain behaviours and mindsets and now that he’s ’seen the real world’ and realized that life isn’t ‘that way’ it has been difficult for him to adopt new mindsets and behaviours. I don’t know why the people around entitled people put up with it. I think generally people come into their lives not realizing what is really happening and they drift away when they see the real picture. I’ve seen that happen. It seems like generally only family sticks by in the end. I’m not sure why the Princesses’ boyfriends stick with them though- that one stumps me!
February 24, 2012 at 10:31 am
IMO, it all starts with the parents. If there is no reward for behaviour, good or bad, the behaviour stops. I have seen my friend’s daughter become a terrible Princess. The phrase “we can’t afford it” never really came out as she was growing up. The parents were maintaining a life they couldn’t afford, so the children didn’t ever realize that there is an end to the pot of gold. Looks as a means to an end was emphasized. If another child won over them in any competition, something “was rigged” or they “knew someone”, never that perhaps that child was more talented.
As an adult, she and her sister continue to take advantage of the parents, always with the tacit threat that communication may be cut off if gold doesn’t cross their palms.
You can see the cycles start on TDDUP….parents needing to buy the children more clothing and toys than 10 children could use.
I’d better stop now, ’cause I could run off on a tangent and never stop. I am agreeing with all your posters.
February 24, 2012 at 10:54 am
I think people put up with it simply because it’s easier. Even though it makes the Princess worst, some people just don’t like confrontation. It’s time for some parents to develop a backbone and do some parenting. My mother would have NEVER put up with that when my brother and I were smaller.
What’s interesting is Princess’s almost always loose respect for their enablers.
February 24, 2012 at 10:55 am
Because they’re family.
As someone who comes from a very traditional family, I have the reverse situation.
My parents are the ones who feel entitled, and so do the rest of my elder siblings… but they do things like “borrow” (STEAL!) money from each other (my parents) and use it for their own lifestyles that they can’t afford.
For instance, my parents took out a $17,000 car loan on a car that they don’t really need — only my father uses it, not my mother.
I take the bus, why can’t they?
When I bought my first car, I bought it for cash for $2000 because I refused to pay any more. I would rather have the money in savings, than in a car.
My parents, don’t feel the same way about their money and feel like their kids should make up the shortfall.
February 24, 2012 at 11:13 am
Why do they put up with their crap? Easy answer to that:
It’s just easier not to fight with them. Then you develop the habit of just giving in – and that’s a difficult habit to break.
February 24, 2012 at 11:18 am
Hi Gail! I totally agree with you! North America definitely has an overall sense of entitlement. I’m working on letting go of that sense of entitlement. When friends and family start to complain about these “entitlements”, I make a joke and say, “Hah – first world problems!”
Very quickly puts it in perspective
I love your show, your blog, and everything you share with the world. Thanks!!
February 24, 2012 at 11:20 am
I never had much as a child. I wore my sisters hand me downs. I always walked to school. I never went out for dinner. I never once went to camp. These Princesses were the ones that bullied me in school. I have no pity for them and now that I sussessful. I have a fully stocked RRSP. I decent investment account. I have the ability to travel once every two years. If your hair extensions define who you are then so be it. Dont come to me when you cant pay your bills.
February 24, 2012 at 11:35 am
I think it is my fault (with my own daughters). I live in a house built in 1964 and it is the nicest house I ever lived in. My DH and I lived in a hovel to save the money for a down payment. I too wore hand-me-downs from my “rich” cousin. It was not until junior high when I met a friend whose father was a teacher that I realized something was wrong. Both my parents were teachers and had less money than my new friend. Her mother stayed home.
I did not have enough socks to get through a week of school. I was very ashamed and swore my own children would not have to go through what I did. Unfortunately my husband was worse than me. He had complete blinders on when it came to money (still does after 33 years of marriage, though they have been coming off a bit now that retirement looms). So my girls had plenty of clothes and socks! I was so busy as a working mom I didn’t have time to really pay attention.
Now through forced retirement (disability), I cannot believe we are living on DH’s income. I worked very hard to put eldest through college and enable youngest to play sports and travel around with her. My middle daughter saved $50,000 by the time she was 25 and bought a house. She just lost it because work dried up. She moved across the country for a new career and is doing well. My youngest is married to a US Marine and is a photographer.
They did feel very entitled for a long time, but I lectured and lectured and lectured and just yesterday my eldest posted she was debt-free except for her mortgage and student loan. I am very proud of her.
So in summary, I think our generation (baby boomers) spoiled our children too much. I did make the elder two work, but I completely spoiled the youngest who had a nice car, cell phone, no chores……but she excelled in athletics….all to get married and have a baby at age 20!
In fact, Gail we are all going to Disneyland the last week in May(paid for in cash), wanna come and do a complete intervention? We are renting a house with my brother and his wife, but there is room for you!!!! Haha…seriously though…..
February 24, 2012 at 11:37 am
I had a sister-in-law that was a Princess in every sense of the word. However, she was not like that prior to getting married and divorced the first time (all in her early teens/20’s). She got pregnant at 15, married at 16, divorced at about 18/19. Mother’s allowance back then paid huge for being on your own and having a baby. She was also very beautiful with that ‘perfect’ body other than her breasts for a 5′ 9″ woman were non existant. She would put ads in the paper (yes we had to do match up meeting ads in the newspaper back then), and would have only gentlemen that met her be of the more financially secure category. Managers or owners of companies, pharmacists, doctors, etc. Once she started that process, she basically paid for nothing herself again. She was working and every pay day, she would go out and purchase an entire outfit, dress, scarf, shoes, purse, belt, etc. Everything had to match. She has always had a complete bedroom turned into a closet for her shoes and clothes, purses and stuff.
Because of her looks, men would buy her furniture (oak dining room sets), leather living room, etc. And it wasn’t as if she was just dating one of them at a time and it wasn’t a sexual thing. She treated them like dirt to be honest.
She got a job at a doctor’s office, through a friend of hers, and became involved with the doctor (eventually engaged). Bur during that period, she met a plastic surgeon who enhanced her (several times over the course of the year from a BB size bra to a DD size or bigger). Body was absolutely perfect. The doctor did not charge her for this, he wanted a showpiece.
The doctor she was working for (a different one) paid off her car loan, paid off her credit cards, bought her fur coats, bought her an engagement ring that you could knock an eye out with and then he came to his senses one day and broke off the engagement. She hired a lawyer to sue him for breach of promise and was trying to get half of his business. They were not living together, don’t know what the lawyer’s thinking was, etc. however she received nothing in the end and went after her next mark. She did this to several men and one backfired and he beat the living crap our of her. She called the police had him arrested and removed from a home he owned prior to her moving in. He couldn’t go near his own house. Eventually he got it back and her out and then again, next guy.
On her daughter’s 17th birthday (which by the way her daughter got pregnant at 15 also and had a beautiful baby girl also), she bought her daughter breast implants because her body was like her mom’s however the daughter is only just over 5′ tall. Again engraining a sense of entitlement to be handed down, generation to generation, the granddaughter also, has never gone without a single thing. She however has passed the 15 year old stage and not had a baby so that is where part of the cycle has been broken.
She has now been married to the same person for about 20 or more years. They sleep in separate bedrooms, she has the master with attached bath and a sitting room turned into a complete closet. She drives a Mark IV and has a small convertible for a summer vehicle. She has everything she THINKS she wants.
This is just the shortened version of the story. I feel so bad for her. There is one thing that she does not have and will never have in the situation she is in. I don’t think she has ever truly had it, felt it or basked in the glory of it. She has no sense or feeling or joy that you have from true love – love of oneself or love of a partner. She will never know truly if her dauther or granddaughter love her because they’ve been bought or because they’ve been loved. It is very sad. She lives in a loveless marriage however neither one is willing to get out of the house or sell it (it’s a $300-$500,000 house), so they live in complacency of ‘STUFF’ of “THINGS”.
I just wrote this to say that someone can be a child and a princess, we all dreamed we would meet a pirince someday, however, someone can be almost 50 years old and be a princess too. Princess does not always mean that you are in the hole financially, but the spending is there, the wants are there, the immediate I see it gratification is there and the true unhappiness is there.
When you haven’t a lot in the world, have gone without wondering how you’re going to get through to the end of the month or whenever you’re next pay is and don’t have a husband, boyfriend, parent, friend to rely on or to USE and yes it is using when you do it over and over again, it changes your perspective on yourself and you life.
Love ya Gail. Wonderful show just wish there were more of them to watch that weren’t reruns. Wish they’d give you a daytime talk show!!
February 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Ouch, this posting is speaking to me. I believe I am/was a princess and unfortunately I have made one of my own. Because of the age difference between myself and my older sisters I was an only kid by the time I was 12. My mom went to work and I think out of guilt sometimes I basically got what I wanted materially because my parents were never home. Carry that into adulthood and discovering credit and well, ‘now you know the rest of the story’. My husband is a saver and often sings the words “you can’t always get what you want” to me. I made the same mistake with my kids, feeling bad about things so buying them things, feeling guilty at times because I was focused on the health of one kid.
Thanks to Gail’s website, fellow readers and commentators, and the shows, the 2×4 has hit me. I’ve started reading the books that I got from Gail and actually putting into practice what I’ve read (what a novel idea) LOL.
I am now correcting my children before it is too late. The oldest one moved out to try it and at least her eyes have been opened up a lot sooner than mine were. Luckily her boyfriend is very sensible and even told her this last week that it was time to cut the umbilical cord. She shouldn’t come to us every time a problem comes up. My second child is a lot more wise when it comes to spending her money, but I have again made it a point to talk about wants and needs. The youngest is still a handful at 16 and I think it is slowly sinking into his brain. I think what helps is they see a difference in my beginning. I stop myself from buying even little things just because.
Thanks Gail again for your words of wisdom to you fellow readers for your many comments that have often given me a 2×4 moment.
February 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm
You sing it Gail! I grew up with very little. My parents were working poor. I learned to be happy with what I have over the years and drop the “I’ll be happy when/if ____” mentality. I have the “I’ll be happy now” mentality instead.
With my education we could make a lot of money as a double income, but instead we chose a modest home, one vehicle, second hand furniture, etc. We dont have a lot of payments, and we still have wiggle room in our budget on a SINGLE income. I can enjoy being a stay at home mom, and our family reaps the benefits. We dont have fancy things, but we are a lot happier than some of the people I know with all their STUFF. Also I noticed we are not “mortgage poor” like some of the people we know on a double income.
Hooray for common sense!
February 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm
@ Lylas17 (and everyone else who commented on this post) could not agree more! I spent the summers of my undergrad working as a co-op student for my University residence department. I could not believe how other students communicated – especially with staff members! I cannot even count the number of times I received emails after placements went out that would include only one or two lines saying something like “Um…what the f***!? Why did I get this room? I want a suite, move me now or I’ll call the President of the University!”
My school gives out residence placements based on a random lottery system, so while students fill out a questionnaire with preferences, they’re only guaranteed that they’ll get a space, not a specific room type.
These were also the students who would typically have their parents call in and make threats to try to get their prince or princess moved to a different room.
Unfortunately, many of the kids entering University today are encouraged to do nothing but study and severly lack social skills. I’ve also found that they don’t understand how to write proper communication in emails to the University, and many of them are terrified to pick up the phone and call to get answers because they’re used to just looking it up online. I was also shocked by what students were willing to post on university-sponsored facebook groups with their name and picture visible (everything from sexist and racist comments, to rants about how the school is run etc.). I only finished school this past year so I’m very close in age to many of these people, but I would never, ever dream of behaving in the way that many of them feel is appropriate.
I’ve also worked as a manager of student staff and find that many of them don’t understand how to function in the workplace. They show up late, call in sick frequently, text while they should be working, and hold innapropriate conversations in the workplace. As someone in their early twenties, these people drive me insane since they’re giving everyone in their early twenties a bad reputation.
February 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm
I think the people raising princesses are focusing on the ideas of what a parent/child, (or boyfriend/girlfriend, or friend) relationship “should” be like instead of focusing on the individual.
My relationship with my mother was like that growing up. She was in love with an idea of having a daughter and got mad at me for not living up to her fantasies. If I had bought into her ideas I would of become an entitled princess.
February 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm
It’s hard to fight the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality with the way our society is. My daughter came home from school a few days ago, with a very sad face. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me they had done an oral exercise in class where they had to list all the fun and exciting things they’ve done in their lives (grade 4). While her friends listed vacations to Cuba and Disney, weekends at waterparks and wonderlands, my daughter had very little to contribute. We have never done a big tropical family vacation. While we’ve done a few day trips (to Marineland or Safari), these “experiences” seemed pitiful compared to the other adventures that her classmates shared. She asked “why don’t WE ever go on vacation or do anything fun”. Truth is, we DO do fun things, but they aren’t the traditional FUN vacation type things the TV commercials advertise. I reminded her of our weekends at the cottage, going fishing, walking barefoot in the stream, our daytrips to various local entertainment spots, visiting family, having picnics in the park… and she did feel a bit better, but still… how am I, as her parent, supposed to fight this SPEND SPEND SPEND mentality. I’m certain that at least *some* of the vacations her friends took were yet to be paid, and racking up interest on a Visa card.
February 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm
@Jennifer – Excellent point!
I find that many of my female friends expect their boyfriends to pay for dates, buy them “surprise” presents regularly, and drive them around as necessary because that’s what they think boyfriends are supposed to do.
My partner and I have split costs since our second date (he insisted on paying on our first) or take turns treating one another. For some reason, this arrangement seems to baffle many of my friends.
February 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Off topic guys, but please help. I can’t seem to find Gail’s definitive answer.
My husband came home today going on and on about switching from TD to a First Canadian Credit Union.
He is also someone that makes changes and decisions rapidly, without really thinking things through. The more I try to reason with him, the more headstrong he can be… but eventually says, “maybe that wasn’t a good idea,” after the damage is done.
We are early 20’s, both employed. He recently paid off a large amount of debt (thanks to Gail’s guidance) and I am planning to be DFF in the next 6 months.
We are DINK’s (dual income no kids), also no mortgage. But hope to been in the housing market in the next 2 to 3 years.
ADVICE????
Thanks guys!
February 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Great blog as usual, I was fortunate to have working parents. They didn’t make a whole lot but enough to take yearly trips, able to purchase us clothes and school supplies and have a wonderful Christmas. 20 years ago they did have a creditcard, things were paid in cash. Today my husband and I work and we make a good living. We have a house (3 bedroom) yearly trips south (usually Edmonton) and our boys are under the age of 5. When entering a store, I remind them no toys, no games and no candy (which seems to work). I hope my boys understand the concept of money and that we can’t always get what they WANT. I am happy to purchase things that are NEEDED, groceries, clothes, shoes, winter clothing, etc. I hope my boys understand and hope they work hard for what they would like to have in the future. Time will only tell, after all they are 2 and 5 years old.
Happy Friday to you all:))))
February 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Amen Cynthia!
February 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I think the title of your show says it all, Gail! We know that if someone is repeatedly told as a child that they’re “ugly and stupid”, they will grow up believing that and develop a million insecurities. Parents who call their little girl “princess” (as has become super-common), will raise a girl who believes she is in fact royalty and should be treated as such. It’s simple math.
February 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm
@Alex:
What is your question? Should you change to a credit union from your current bank?
I’m not sure why you’re concerned. People change banks all the time. Just make sure that any auto-debits (loan payments, etc) and auto-deposits (work, gvt, etc) are changed before you close your account.
You’ll also obviously want to ensure that your new accounts has the hours you need them open / available, determine where you can do deposits / take out cash, etc. Maybe the credit union doesn’t have good hours or it’s inconvenient to get to, etc.
February 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I’ve been lucky and rarely have interacted with any of the financial princesses. And my sisters and I have all turned out pretty reasonable with money.
However, one of my sister’s boyfriend is a total user – and is probably the closest I have seen to a “princess.” In the 4 years I’ve known him, he’s paid for his own place for about 1.5 of those years. The rest of the time he has lived off of friends, my sister and my parents (and don’t get me started on that). Right now, as he “looks” for a job, he lives with my sister – who pays for rent, food and all bills. The only bill he gets is his cell. On top of that, he continues to put 100s of kms on her car, while never paying for gas or repairs. I’ve told my sister that I think he’s using her. My mom has said something. But it doesn’t sink in. Instead they’re talking about their future together, and having kids. And, of course, he knows that she’s got some money coming to her, and he has it way to good to be the one to leave her.
Besides him, the people I usually interact with who are entitled are university students. I’d love to say they’re all undergrads, but I see a fair number of them in grad school now too (I’m a grad student). I’m always so amazed when I receive an email or talk to a student who actually apologizes for a mistake and doesn’t expect anything. Normally I get emails from them with no subject line, no to, and no from – just a single line demanding to know something.
I don’t know how/why people put up with this. It’s not something I’m willing to do. I know this boyfriend is and is going to cause problems and potentially fracture our family. But I don’t know what you can do!? I refuse to be his friend. I’m civil, but it ends there for me.
February 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Yep, as it’s known in Twitter, everyone’s walking around moaning about their #firstworldproblems!
February 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Anyone who lives beyone their means is simply not being honest – with themselves and with those around them. Why would you want a dishonest person in your circle? If they lie about money, they likely lie about other things too.
February 24, 2012 at 4:52 pm
When I was 12, I met a girl who would be my best friend for the next almost two decades. That was how long it took me to realize that her Princess-ways were never going to change. That she didn’t want to change them, despite her protests to the contrary, and that everyone else in her life would never stop ‘feeding’ her delusions of grandeur and her backwards beliefs about herself and her contribution to society and others.
I was sad to lose her, but I felt so much ‘lighter’ once the sadness and grief passed. I had invested thousands of hours of my life dealing with her problems, drama, and endless chatter about, whatelse? Herself.
I wish her well, and nothing but, and I hope that in the years that have passed since we last spoke that her family and boyfriends finally let her grow up and figure it out for herself.
February 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Three problems:
1) Parenting by purchase. Some parents are too busy working or living “the good life” to be bothered raising their children. So they replace love and attention with “stuff”. At a certain point, people equate shopping/acquiring material possessions with happiness and emotional satisfaction. This, combined with a lack of training in financial responsibility is a deadly combination.
2) Marketing that targets the young. Advertisers are getting really good at promoting their products, especially to the young – an age cohort that is easily manipulated. We are all led to believe that we are somehow unworthy unless we consume such-and-such product or service. Marketing people are certainly doing their jobs well! I don’t think our world is a happier place for it.
3) Swings in educational theory that promote academic laziness. For example, in the not-so-distant past the government of Ontario decided that students should not receive zero for work that is submitted late. After all, if the work shows that students have met curricular expectations, shouldn’t they receive credit for it? Lateness on assignments might mean a student gets assessed poorly for “work habits” (does not affect letter grade). I think the intent was good (assess the learning outcomes, not the work habits), but the real world just doesn’t work that way. So while Ontario teachers were forced to follow this marking scheme, students learned that they could submit work as late as they jolly well pleased. Educational policy has since changed in Ontario a bit, but university professors and employers are stuck with a cohort of students who feel that deadlines are flexible.
February 24, 2012 at 5:04 pm
This may not be a popular perspective, but for me, I put up with my two princess friends because they are FUN. It is nice to get the perspective of someone with very little cares or worries in the world, and is upbeat. Some of my best memories have been with my princess friends.
When being a friend of a princess, there are a couple of play rules: you cannot give them resources, you cannot depend on them, and you cannot get disappointed when they cancel/let you down as this is what you expect from a princess.
February 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm
@Alex,
Your bf must be into the occupy movement? There has been a mass change from traditional banks to credit unions with the occupy movement because credit unions are unions of people and the members share in the profits. We were with a credit union both here in Canada and in England. They have moved from being a union to more like a traditional bank. I wouldn’t worry other than the initial share you have to purchase. Usually it is about 100 dollars. You will get yearly profit if there is a profit to be made. THe more members the more lending power and the more profits so now is a good time to join a credit union. We changed from the credit union because they did not give us a good deal on our mortgage and I found the charges a bit high. We changed to PC for the no fees. Also, I was with the credit union for 30 years and when I cashed out my share I made 10 bucks! Not a great rate of return. I think every year I got about 3 bucks. I was with the credit union from when i was 3 since my father is a teacher and the credit unions were started by the teachers union. To be more socially responsible a credit union is the way to go. A lot of our friends switched when they had the mass day to switch from traditional banks to credit unions back in the fall. They function the same way and offer all the same products but you buy into it so you share in the profits. You also share in the losses which have never happened to my knowledge. Not necessarily a bad choice if you want more honesty in your banking system.
February 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm
You asked a question at the end of your article: “why do people put up with their crap?” I think its multilayer-ed. We don’t know HOW to politely stop feeding the “dragon”, the parents created this dragon..and to starve it? well..that would be unheard of cruel and unusual punishment. It you haven’t hit the mark with children by the time they reach 18..(or even younger, before peer pressure sinks in) its going to be a uphill battle, to stop giving hand outs, and putting up with BS…guilt is a factor, and of course..some people cant be BOTHERED with friction. So, they stick their heads back in the “sand” and plug threw life, dealing with the monster they have created. I have a daughter who is 9 (and met Gail at chapters) and I refuse to raise her as I was with money. Id rather deal with a whining 9 year old as she learns her lessons in money NOW..rather when shes 19 and holding out her hand with a “mommy, can i have some money?” and try to fight her then.
February 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm
We are definitely surrounded by Princesses, of all varieties. We work hard to keep our children grounded. To teach them the value of a dollar, how to manage their money, tjat life isn’t about how much you have. They have learned to save for what they want. And appreciate what they have because they worked for it. They see friends and family that have “this” or “that” and want to know why they can’t have it too. When we discuss the cost of said item, and what would have to be sacificed on their part to have it, they don’t want it so much. And many people around us don’t get it. My Brother In Law and his wife are tens of thousands of $$ in debt. With NO plan to get out. When I said we would be debt free in 2013 (ahead of schedule YAY us!!!!), she says it will take them at least 10 – 15 years. They have NO plan to get out. They will still be in the whole in 15 years (if not worse). And will try, unsuccessfully, to make us feel guilty because we are enjoying our lives. Their kids get whatever they want. Video games, toys, clothes etc. She will cook different meals for each child. Buy something just cause “they really wanted it”. Puts them in ANY activity they want. She caters to them, and they KNOW it. I am the bad guy cause my children are only allowed ONE activity. Oh well, I can live with that. My kids appreciate what they have. No tantrums, no manipulating, no selfishness. And a clear understanding of how lucky they are!
February 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I grew up in a house where my parents were in charge. There was no gray area. They also had no trouble telling us no. They didn’t want to be friends with us, because they were our parents. They didn’t have a lot of money, and they never tried to hide that fact from us. We went camping because it was cheap, and our parents weren’t going into debt so that we could go to Disneyland. They didn’t care if we wore clothing my grandmother made us instead of store bought clothes, no matter how much we complained about not being “cool”. My brother and I both got work permits as teens – if we wanted the latest and greatest, we were expected to get it ourselves. I respect my parents for that.
February 24, 2012 at 7:34 pm
And I have begun avoiding many Princesses, because I simply do not have the patience for the garbage. They cry about having no money, then are showing me the newest toy they have (new phone, camera, computer etc). Meanwhile I will be out of debt within months, and the value of that to me is PRICELESS!!!
February 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm
@Kris…. you are fortunate to have had parents that taught you so well!!! Those lessons they gave you, have more value to them then anything they didn’t give you!
February 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm
@Lynne… I totally get what you are saying… I had a friend like you describe, but in the end, I didn’t find the “friendship” to be worth it. No amount of a good time can compare to having friends that are TRULY there for you. And that’s why I let go of my “princess” and looked to my real friends, who are still fun (but not carefree) and understand what being a true friend is all about.
February 24, 2012 at 8:03 pm
@ Doter and Lilas – BANG ON! It happens in secondary education too where they don’t even have the excuse that they are paying tuition! And the cell phones…they seem put out when asked not to use them. What does it say when it is one of their PARENTS texting them during class time?
@Marianne – I keep saying the same thing you did! I get why families would give in but these boyfriends??? THAT I don’t get either.
February 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm
By the way, is it just me or is anyone else shocked by the 20 something girls on Gail’s Princess shows who pay for things like Botox and plastic surgery? Really? That young? Why is that? That is another thing I just don’t get!
February 24, 2012 at 8:09 pm
Anonymous: I feel for you and your daughter. I work in a school in a very affluent area. There are a few that have much lower incomes, and do not have the same experiences and gifts that many of their classmates have. There are also a couple who have parents that have more “old-fashioned” values. So, there’s always at least 3 in a class that are the “have-nots”. All you can do is keep doing what you’re doing: remind your child that they are not alone, and continue pointing out the positives in their lives. Knowing that they are loved, that they have your attention,and that you care enough to set boundaries, are the best things you can ever give your child. And many of those “privileged” children don’t have that.
February 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Found your blog thru a FB page, so I’m kind of jumping in the middle here. I’m heading for 50 yrs old this summer and I am daily amazed at the sense of entitlement people have now. I’m not knocking on the 20-somethings either… it seems an epidemic even with those of an age you would think wouldn’t be an issue for. And it isn’t just “Princesses”… I know as many “Princes” as “Princesses”.
Unfortunately I don’t see an end to this ‘royalty’ syndrome. It is very hard to break/unlearn the nasty lifestyle of selfishness.
February 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm
Gail,
I’ll give you a rundown on our situation and then ask a question.
Our family is on OW. My spouse is participating in a program to upgrade his skills to help him find a position in the job market after spending at least 25 years in automotive retail positions while I am home with a toddler who is on a wait list for speech therapy & we also have 2 other children in elementary school, one of whom is on a wait list for ABA therapy re: autism.
I don’t think we are allowed to do the jars because at some point we have to let OW review our account activity. So what would an alternative suggestion be?
I just found your site today and will have to start reading through it.
Thank you.
February 24, 2012 at 11:58 pm
There is one worse than a case of entitlement, and that is when it is paired with a sense of being a victim, especially when the “victimization” has been self-imposed … very sad to see.
February 25, 2012 at 5:53 am
I wished your show aired in Norway! I have heard so much about it!!
February 25, 2012 at 10:57 am
@OW mom – I’m so sorry about your situation. We have had friends and family go through the same surprise unemployment after working in the automotive business for so long.
If you can’t use the jars physically, can you do so on paper? If you go to Gail’s online ressources here on her website, she has excellent tools for budgeting for the jars. You could still do this but on paper as opposed to the jars. For example, you could write $100 a week for food, etc. If you do it this way, you would have to meticulously keep track of what you spend so you know how much you have left in each category. If you want the visual aspect, maybe post the paper somewhere where you can keep an eye on it and minus the totals as you go but you can see it visually. That way you are still able to show your account activity.
February 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm
My oldest brother is a princess and I doubt he will ever grow up. He depends on my parents a lot and is sucking the life out of them. They are retired now and should be able to relax and enjoy life but he keeps them in a constant state of unease with his drama. We are not allowed to confront him for his B*shit because it “upsets” him. We other 5 siblings see what is happening but every time we try to help or intervene it drives a wedge between us and our parents, and strengthens his hold. We now all dread holidays where we have to go pretend that nothing is wrong for a few hours. Princesses ruin the lives of the people around them with their selfishness and entitlement. I don’t know why my parents don’t do something about him. If I ever acted the way he does I would be disowned. Sadly, some days I wish I was so I wouldn’t have to deal with the drama.
February 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm
I am so depressed. I wake up thinking about our debt, and continue all day. My husband says he is worried but refuses to file six years of tax returns, empty a storage rental unit we are paying $150.00 a month with his mothers contents as she went into long term care. Sell a cottage or our house to get rid of $400.00. we have two old cars and can’t afford the repairs or to replace. He was unemployed for two years so the paperwork should be up to date from his business but not…………he is a procrastinator and I just cant get through to him that we have to move on.
February 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm
OW Mom – I don’t use jars as I don’t like having money like that sitting around in the house. I have a little organizer I bought at the Dollar store. I use it for coupons and as my “jars”. I have cue cards (also found at the dollar store) and each area (groceries, clothes/gifts etc) have a cue card. I keep a running total on these. And because the organizer is the size of a wallet, I keep it in my purse.
We still use our bank cards for everything. But the reciepts go in my organizer and I sit down after my weekly shopping and record what I have spent etc. I will also use grocery store gift cards to help budget. Purchase a $500 gift card at the beginning of the month, and that is my grocery money for the month. The only thing is, you have committed to shopping at that store. But it keeps me on track.
The only thing I keep money on hand for is the “entertainment” portion of our budget. I pull that amount out at the beginning of the month split it between DH and myself. That is our spending money for the month, which I don’t keep a record of. (It’s tea money, chocolate money, etc) And once it’s gone, it’s gone.
February 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm
@Mary…. is it possible that your husband is also depressed? Between debt, unemployment, and his mother maybe he is having a hard time too. The debt thing can become a horrible cycle. The farther you go in, the harder it is to get out, the more likely you will sink farther…. I am asking from experience. Everyone thought I was just lazy and procrastinating, when in reality, I was dealing with a mental illness. Getting dressed in the morning was a struggle, nevermind all the other stuff. Good luck! (And if there is a chance he’s depressed, try and get him to go to the Dr’s)
February 26, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Hi,
Does anyone know if Princesses will be shown in Australia at any stage?
Sarah
May 4, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Hi Gail,
My best friend Danielle is in desperate need of financial help- she is spending it in all the wrong places (partying, shopping, dinners) and has accumulated about $10,000 debt in one year. I would really like to submit her to your show “princess” so you can teach her how to use her money properly!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE she needs your help!!
August 26, 2012 at 2:10 am
My wife and I have seen almost every episode of ‘Princess’ to date, and I have noticed that there seem to be two distinct types of Princess. The first is exactly as Gail describe, and all but a couple fit into this category. The second type of Princess, however — and there has only been two or three that really fit into this category — clearly have the clinical manifestations of a psychological disorder. A couple of individuals have demonstrated clear narcissistic/sociopathic traits with a total lack of ability to empathize with others on ANY level, as opposed to simply making bad decisions and being selfish. They probably lack the capability to truly change, as this is simply the way they are wired.
January 5, 2013 at 10:08 pm
Why do people in a Princess’ life take her crap? Without resources, a Princess dries up fast. She learns how to bait a hook and boat a bass…little work, big rewards. When played successfully, the game goes in favor of Princess. Princess lets one believe he’ll be getting what he wants, by some future point at least. Princess is also like a vulture which can spot the weak-willed and spineless. She feels nothing for her prey.They get the lesson life has planned for those who don’t stand up for themselves.
Princess knows there’s a sucker born every minute.
February 16, 2013 at 9:05 am
These Princesses seem to act in a similar manner towards the people around them as drug addicts do, in terms of the bullying and financially parasitic behavior.
I made the mistake of allowing a ” friend” to move in with me just months after a marital separation. This roommate was on and off drugs, and for several months, he did not pay his share of the rent. There were a lot of clues I missed along the way, and I basically became this person’s “patsy”. He was a male INTENSIFIED version of Ashley C (black Ashley). We were roommates for 3 years and it was the worst 3 years of my life – being stuck with a line of credit he manipulated me to take out for him, as well as handing over up to a third of my paychecks, as well as being bullied into taking out payday loans in order to “loan” him the money. I was doing a juggling act between 5 payday loan agencies, the borrow from Peter to pay Paul scenario. To stop the cycle, I went to a Credit Counseling agency and went on an orderly payment of debt program. However, I even fell behind there, because even after this roommate and I moved to separate places, I was still unsuccessful in cutting him off, and I put up with his mooching for another 3.5 years, until I had a mild nervous breakdown, and spent 7 months living with relatives to recover. It was during that period I saw the Princess and the Till Debt Do Us Part shows. This is when I noticed that the Princesses were as bad as drug addicts in terms of how they treat others like they don’t matter, just like this person treating me like I did not matter.
I am a musician with a Bachelor of Music, but I do industrial work to make my living. I am an active facebooker, and have a number of music majors/ graduates from hispanic countries on my facebook list. I have had my professional model flute since I was 15 and am now 40. Mine is one of the most basic of the professional models. Other university students and professionals have flutes 3 to 4 times more expensive than mine. Many of the hispanic music majors are using student models (same as what our school band students use) to go through university. A number of the graduates have intermediate models at best – however, many of them play better than our music majors. Many of them are also putting themselves through school.
I went to Guatemala last June for 2 weeks and my eyes were opened to a lot of things. I met a 16-year-old boy at my pastor friend’s church, whose family dwelling is smaller than my bachelor suite apartment; who had to drop out of his grade 10 year because his family could not afford the 30 dollars a month to send him to school. Then, in contrast, I notice the spoiled and entitled attitudes some of the 16-year-old’s in the church I attend here in Edmonton have, and I want to wake them up with a good swift kick in the behind.
February 27, 2013 at 3:12 pm
I can say that watching the show I do most of what they do and I think the same way as some. That I work damn hard for my money so why can’t I spend it the way I want. It’s just hard getting out. I try learning but I don’t know how to balance my budget. It’s hard to balance when you’re doing payday loans, etc and trying to get out is hard. How do u balance a budget with that problem? Not pay it and pay it in monthly payments?