Reduce Your Stress
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
Very often when I work with my Princesses I can see a physical change — sometimes on the very first day. Having finally faced up to the fact that their lives are not working, they feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from their shoulders. Their eyes shine. They look excited. They have hope.
It’s hard to be positive about your life if your debt is keeping you up at night. And you’re always anticipating disaster – the collection call, the bouncing cheque, the end of the money before the end of the month – the stress can feel like an elephant on your back. I make Princesses face up to how their behaviour is working against them. I insist that we move from delusional to rational. And the ones that do reap the additional benefit of developing a sense of peace.
So are there things that keep you awake at night? Do you cringe just thinking about what needs to be done?
Time to make a Crap List. Who in your life is making you crazy? What activities are you doing that you’re resenting every moment you’re doing them? What are you denying because the idea of facing up is just too much to even consider? And if you have anything that finishes the sentence, “I wish I didn’t…” add that or those to the bottom of your list.
If you procrastinate and hate where it gets you, which is always behind the eight ball, write it on your list. If you’re disorganized and hate the fact that you’re always wasting time looking for your crap, add that to your list. If you’re a Cronic Late Arriver and you hate being late, add that to the list. If you have a Master of the Universe complex and think you can control everyone and everything around you, and end up pissing people off and feeling totally underappreciated, add that to your list.
Okay, there’s your list of Crap; you’re half way home. Now you have to figure out what you’re going to do differently to eliminate these stressors from your life.
Is there something on your list that’s an energy drain? If so, how can you eliminate it? Yah, I’m talking about your overdraft protection, your constant running to the ATM and racking up fees, your lack of a meal plan that has you wasting feed every week.
Are there people in your life who are toxic? What can you do to minimize or eliminate your exposure to these people? If you have an idiot for a boss, a moron for a partner, a badly behaved child, what are you going to DO about it?
Always rushing from one errand or commitment to the next? How will you create some time to just relax and think?
Are you making the time to reflect and count your blessings? Sometimes folks get so busy trying to meet demands, fix problems, deal with issues, that they forget to look at what is good in their lives. Take the time to say thank you for what’s good in your life, and for the lessons your challenges are teaching you, and your stress will go way down.
January 20, 2012 at 7:20 am
It was annoying me terribly that my husband would buy tons of packaged food and ready meals in cans and boxes.
Fuming and throwing fits got me nowhere until….I asked him why he did this and he answered that there was never anything prepared. I took a good long look at myself and figured out that I had no menu planned ahead, did not have a plan for making snacks and baked goods. I got busy and asked him to promise not to purchase any baked goods or prepared foods if I could prove that I could be ready. So, I made a menu for the week complete with after school snacks and sufficient variety to please everyone. I sent my husband the menu with a grocery list and posted the menu on the fridge. So far it is working. And NOW I am working to be a better cook and presenter of food. The person I need to control is me.
January 20, 2012 at 8:47 am
I second menu-planning as a real stress reducer. I’d come home from work and just feel overwhelmed with having to cook another meal after working all day. After thinking about it, I realized it wasn’t the cooking at all that drained me, just having to think of what to cook every day.
So I went back to my mother’s plan of writing a weekly menu on the calendar. I use what’s in the house and make note of what I need to buy for the whole week. I can prep anything I need to the night before and then when I get home it’s an entirely stress-free process.
I’ve also learned to leave home a little early when I’m going somewhere because I hate being late. I find it very stressful, and leaving early is gives me plenty of time to drive at a relaxed speed.
January 20, 2012 at 9:50 am
I also agree that menu planning reduces stress as well as cost. However, in Tanya’s case, why was it just her job to have things prepared? If the husband would prepare about half the meals then the wife would have much less stress, and the family would not be eating all kinds of additives and fats and salt found in prepared foods. In the same way it is far less stressful if both partners share doing the laundry, bathroom cleaning,etc. so that there is more time for more enjoyable
things.
January 20, 2012 at 10:28 am
It was my ’surprise’ credit card balance that was causing me stress. Now I check it and my bank transactions on line every morning…it makes the ’surprise’ bills that are paid by my credit card not such a shock. Just this morning it was $966 for house insurance- ouch- but if I save $40 by paying it all at once and I get points.
I’m not a spread-sheet person or a write it down person, more of a twice a year take a microscope to it all girl so a daily reading of where I’m at keeps me in line and in a no-stress place. I learned that from Gail.
January 20, 2012 at 10:35 am
Rae – I was going to say the same thing. Why was it Tanya’s job? I guess if her husband doesn’t mind the prepackaged food it would be hard to get him to buy into the fact that he should be cooking. It is much like the money talk, both partners need to be on board.
I may be reducing my stress this weekend by cutting my best friend out of my life. Since her separation in the summer she has turned to alcohol, and the “bad boy” boyfriends, and new friends that think it is okay to get trashed in front of your children. I had a very frank talk with her just after Christmas, and she just got back from the Bahamas, so she was planning her follow up talk upon her return. Hopefully being away from the bad influences opened her eyes, if not I will be saying that we need to take a break from each other.
January 20, 2012 at 11:06 am
I am a stay at home mom and wife….a Domestic Engineer and part of my job is to keep my family healthy. Menu planning plays a big role in that and it has the added bonus of keeping the expenses down. My husband works out the the home for most of the day. I take it upon myself to do the prep of the food and snacks among other things. I think it was great that Tanya’s husband was buying the prepared stuff instead of telling her to do it. He took it upon himself to make sure there was food to meet his family’s needs and didn’t stress her by telling her to do it. They worked as a team and solved both problems….maybe Tanya is a Domestic engeneer too!
Gail great tips, I read this post just after making a “Procrastination List” which I hope to hit every Wed for 15 min at a time.
Lisa good for you for having that talk with your friend….that is exactly what a good friend should do! You did the listening and hanging out part and now it is tough love, I hope she can thank you for it one day.
January 20, 2012 at 11:46 am
On my crap list was being rushed every morning trying to get my toddler to eat breakfast, get winter gear on, get out the door with no stalling, doddling, temper tantrums, etc, and get her dropped off at daycare in time to get to work (while not freaking out in the car about traffic and wishing everyone would just get out of my way — which was ridiculous). I realized the problem was not my slow toddler, who I had been trying to rush through the morning routine. It was me! I needed to get up 15 – 30 minutes earlier, which I started doing. But, the second hurdle was then I was extra tired and would get grumpier as the week wore on. So, again, my problem was I needed to adjust my bedtime. So, now I have a earlier bedtime, earlier wake time, no stress morning routine and a cheerful toddler. A simple solution to a major annoyance. And all this week, I’ve gotten a “Way to go, Mommy! We not late!” from the backseat on the way to daycare. A great way to start the day.
January 20, 2012 at 11:57 am
Maria, thanks for you input. I was thinking just what you pointed out and wondering why someone would trash the husband when we don’t know the entire story.
January 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Yes, everyone I am a domestic engineer for the time being. Way more real food and variety as well. Surprise is that they like my baking, too. Enough for second meals are put in the freezer for ‘fast food’ meals.
It is loads more effort than opening a box and turning on the oven, but gratifying. Agree about the husband. Mine believes that all housework is women’s work and probably will never change his mindset. He is 60.
January 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm
@Maria thank you for the kind thinking. He does make sure there is food enough – no matter how it arrives. My blessing was to stop complaining and ask what I could do to change it. I do not mind doing the housecleaning and laundry. Keeping that stress free involves doing it daily and it is not a burden. The children and husband do not make too many messes and eating outside the kitchen/dining room is forbidden.
January 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm
I’ll echo your toddler, Ellen. “Way to go!” That’s the right solution to a problem many parents face (but often don’t solve the way you did).
My “I wish I didn’t” thing is spending too much time on the computer just surfing the internet. I’ve downloaded a pop-up that reminds me to do other things. Now I just have to pay attention to it instead of closing it!
January 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Excellent post, gives me a lot to think about!
I have one question for everyone about the savings portion of your budget. If I contribute 4% of my pay to a pension plan at work and my employer matches the 4%, does that count as 4% of the 10% savings required in my budget or 8%?
January 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Cheeky Mommy:
If picky…
your real income is 100%+4%=104% of your gross income. Take your gross and add the employer contribution to obtain your ‘real/net gross income’ (net, right?).
I do think that Gail does add the amount that the employer contributes to your long term savings.
So you long term savings from your pension is (mathematically picky) shy of 8% (7.7%). It is a great benefit.
January 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm
In July my timing for daily stressors was horrendous. I took a long hard look at what I was doing to myself, fully conscious of the fact that I am the only one I can change. I would do “just one more load of laundry”, read “just one more email”, and then realize I hadn’t taken out the garbage, grabbed my son’s guitar for lessons, or even located my house keys. I was doing it to myself.
I set a rule that I was not allowed to start ANY new item 30 minutes before I had to leave the house – and it has been amazing. Now a train, someone driving slow, or a detour doesn’t send me into orbit when I am trying to get somewhere.
January 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Ah! This was certainly a well-timed post. Actually this week I was thinking that all I did was work, work, work, and I never have time to get to the things that I need to do. So, keeping this in mind, and having some vacation days that I had to use before the end of April, I decided to take 2 days off this week and do the things that I needed to do. One of those items was going through the mounds of paper (credit card statements, receipts, flyers, etc.) that had accumulated for the last two months on top of a desk. The amount of clutter was unbelievable! Well, that was all done yesterday, and the a lot of paper has now been recycled. I feel better and less stressed that this has now been done. I feel more in control and I have organized the finance files for Jan. Today was spent relaxing, and I took a nice long walk through the forest with my dog, and did some home baking (I was so busy during November & December with work that I never even got a chance to do my Christmas baking). Tonight, my husband and I are having a date night, and using a restaurant gift card that we received as a gift at Christmas. Tomorrow, of course, back to normal and work. But I feel with just these 2 days off — after working 7 days a week for the last year– it was certainly worth it.
January 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm
@ Ellen, I too would rush my boys in the morning and we still were late. I started to wake up a bit earlier than usual and I would prepare their bags night before. I am not too worried about having a clean house, as long as the dishes are clean and the boys have clean clothes the other house cleaning can wait. I work 9-5 Mon-Fri, not much time in between to house clean. Weekends I would clean but I would also make time for my boys.
Great blog, It’s a new year and I would love to cherish the moments with my boys then worry about the house. So far this year we haven’t been late for work and school.
Thanks Gail….:))
January 20, 2012 at 9:46 pm
What timing with this post!
I’ve been doing just that, I’ve been re-evaluating my long term relationship. I’m finally realizing that I will keep having to adjust my three year debt repayment plan if we remain together. I dig myself further and further into debt the longer I am with him, everything is in my name. I know I’m just as responsible for my situation, if not more so since it’s my credit and my inability to say no to him. I’m not putting the blame on my partner. I’ve been trying to balance not saying yes or no to him regarding money because I am the sole breadwinner and tried really hard not to get into a parent/child relationship with him in regards to finances.
I now realize that he and I do not have similar financial goals and priorities. sigh….
January 20, 2012 at 10:57 pm
@ Marie: thank you very much, that is exactly what I was looking for, and yes, it is a wonderful benefit! My company actually makes joining the firm pension plan manditory after 2 years of employment!!!
@ Jane: if my experience from a past relationship is any indicator, the more you give the more he’ll take. The longer you stay in that kind of relationship, the more you let him use you, the harder it will be for you to break free because he will try to drag you back in. You are his meal ticket, after all! And if you don’t leave, you are just reinforcing his behaviour and he is unlikely to change, he has it pretty good afterall, so why would he?
Believe me, it took me a long time to get over how much money I could have saved or enjoyed spending, if I didn’t spend all my time working while he spent his time enjoying the life that my money provided! I wasn’t’ even going into debt, if I had done that, it would have taken me a lot longer to get over my bitterness than it would have taken me to pay off the debt.
You should check out some of the episodes of Princess…especially the one with Spencer. Even if he is a nice guy and likes to spoil you, if you are going into debt to buy yourself those presnts/dinners out, they are really not gifts are they?
January 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Wow – I can relate to a lot of these! Happily I have figured out the mornng routine (which is a stressor with 2 small kids) and the menu planning.
On my crap list is more what Gail refers to as “Master of the Universe complex” or for me, trying to be Superwoman and get it all done and perfectly. I put really high expectations on myself to be an excellent mom, wife, teacher, etc. and have realized you can’t do it all perfectly!
My biggest issue right now is work load. Yes, we have good holidays but for the rest of the year, I work like a dog and my weekends and evenings are filled with marking and prep. It’s gotten to the point where my 6 year old is making a lot of comments like “You’re always working Mommy” or “You’re marking again”? It breaks my heart that I don’t get to do more fun things with them!
I always underestimate how long it takes too. One day I scared myself when I did the math – 80 students, 1 assignment a week if it took 10 minutes to mark (and it always takes longer!) = 800 minutes! Yikes!
I find that at work I don’t have the time to do it because I’m busy prepping for classes, photocopying, doing on-calls or supervision, etc. I still really enjoy being in the classroom – just need to find a way to be more efficient with the marking load so it doesn’t interfere so much with family – it’s a big stressor for me!
I discovered next semester that ONE of my classes has 35 students!! If anyone else has a lot of work they bring home (not just in teaching since I know other professions do as well) and they have any suggestions, please help! I’m all ears!
Becoming more effiicient with this would really help my stress levels. I find it consumes my time so much that I have trouble making time for all the other stuff (financial planning, menu planning, etc.)
January 21, 2012 at 12:21 pm
My stressor is the chores. Now I never let the house get gross but it is NEVER clean either. Right now I have 4 loads of laundry, a mammoth pile of clean dishes to be put away an entire bin of stuff to be sorted from my last quick clean before mom came over and all my bills from christmas just sitting in a pile on my desk. I hate it but I also hate taking it on. A large part of the problem is that I live alone and work 3 jobs so there is never anyone to help or reason that it has to be done now and I am often exhausted.
January 21, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I do believe that there is a trend here that shows that BOTH money management and time management are important in reducing stress.
I found the same problems as others here… do just one more thing before leaving. Once I controlled that, I became better at getting places in a more reasonable time. I am not perfect because I am not a morning person…
These examples show WHY monitoring your expenses or monitoring your time will let you know what is reasonable to allocate in order to complete the chores that need doing. If it takes 45 minutes to get there, leave at LEAST 50 minutes early. If you allocate your time in a reasonable fashion, things will get done with less stress. You must also ensure that the time is dedicated to the task at hand and only deviate when absolutely necessary.
I am progressing in not overloading my schedule.
Christac: What I had to do in my case? I allocated 30 minutes to those unwanted chores just before a TV show I wanted to watch. Whatever gets done in that half-hour is better than none and I have a reward coming up after completing my task.
January 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm
Timely post – I have been on Weight Watchers and a decluttering mission since Dec 30 (I don’t like New Year’s resolutions). This has been getting rid of weight and junk in my house, but there are still things that are weighing me down that need to go. I need to waste less time online, I need to say “no” to a couple of volunteer activities that I participate in and I need to stop procrastinating on my university course since we are coming up to a very busy time of year at work and I won’t have time to do it later on in the spring. Then I’ll be freaking out about it, and making everyone who has to live with me sorry that they do…
@ Tracey H – can you give some details on this pop up you downloaded? Sounds intriguing…
January 23, 2012 at 1:41 am
I need to right a crap list. Definately on it would be the stress of knowing that we are well into our 25th month of our 3 year debt repayment plan and are way behind. The only way we can catch up is if we really tighten our belts and put any extra money that comes our way onto the debt. Then my DH tells me today that he wants to see if we can go to Vegas in a few months. I just kinda hmm hmmed. I’ve very clearly told him that that kinda talk of planning trips and taking them, which we have and have, during our debt repaying stresses me out a lot. Why can’t I get that through to him?
January 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm
I can relate to this post and a lot of the comments as well. Like Tanya, my husband also tends to buy a lot of packaged foods mostly because he’s a very picky eater and as a result is also an uncreative cook. When I went back to work full-time, he took over the duties of being primary meal-maker and grocery shopper. This helped relieve some of my taskload but not my guilt as we were eating a lot of processed food. Finally I had enough of arguing and discussing and just asked him, “What can **I** do to help us eat better?” The past month we’ve been planning our meals ahead of time (together) and are not only eating better but saving money by reducing takeout as well.
Mornings are always stressful, so I make sure I have everything ready to go the night before, including my lunches, so all I need to do is grab and go. (I’m still working on getting up earlier. That hasn’t been as easy!)
The biggest stress reliever for me is learning to just ASK for help. Instead of assuming my husband knows exactly what needs to be done, I’ve gotten better at just asking him to help with certain things around the house such as child pick-up, bathroom clean up, or even making the bed.
Unfortunately I have no solution for my work stress, but I do try to take breaks throughout the day (like I’m doing here) to clear my head.
January 23, 2012 at 7:39 pm
@ Stephanie – you mentioned taking a lot of trips stresses you out and you’ve told your husband this but it sounds like you keep taking them (is that correct?). Could it help in this case to just refuse to go on the trip because you want to pay down debt? Actions can speak louder than words so maybe if you are going on trips, he may think you’re not really serious about the debt repayment.
@Anotherdawn – I agree – asking for help is huge. Sometimes we don’t know how but it does make a big difference!
January 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm
It is always nice to see an article that is actually manageable to do without putting more stress on your life. While it may not be the easiest thing to cut out the negativity in your life, it is definitely possible. This article puts into perspective all of the positive things that can come out of making a few adjustments and its great to see the savings that can be made!
January 25, 2012 at 10:33 am
I am expecting my first child in a few months and trying to finish a dissertation proposal before then. I am stressed by things that should be joyful-picking out cribs and getting ready for the baby shower. A lot of this comes from my pressures at school, but when I look even closer, I realize its coming from me. Not even my adviser is demanding I finish the proposal this spring. I am the only one pushing to do the impossible, instead of just enjoying the moment. And I think its because I know I am a good researcher, but I don’t know if I will be as good of a mom. And its hard to give up something you’re good at for something with a steeper learning curve. My husband helped me by asking what I thought was the worst that would happen if I end up taking another year to finish my PhD? What is the worst that can happen? And then what will you do? I realized the worst that could happen would be not to appreciate what we have right now and the time we have to enjoy getting ready for all the big changes coming up. Gail talks about this in her book-wanting what you have at this moment and feeling so much richer because of it.