What Do You Really, Really Want?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Goals
So I’m sitting on set with a Princess one day and I’m about to launch into The Goal Setting Challenge. I tell her that it’s time for her to decide what she really, really wants. That’s different from what you really want because there’s the connotation of being very clear. It’s what you really, really want that will drive you to where you’re going next.
When I’m done shooting and the cameras are off I hear from over in left field, “Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.” Yup, that’s John, my sound guy, singing the Spice Girls. I just about peed I was laughing so hard. John’s a 50-something musical genius and to hear him doing the Spice Girls was really, really was funny.
But I digress.
One of the mistakes some people make when they’re talking about debt is that they focus on moving away from something. But amongst those that know what really motivates us is the theory that it is easier to move towards a goal.
Imagine you’re a circle sitting in the middle of a page. If you’re moving away, you could be going off in any direction. So imagine there are a whole bunch of arrows pointed all over the place.
Now imagine that you’re a circle sitting in the middle of a page and that you want to move towards the bottom left-hand corner of the page. You have a pretty clear sense of direction, right? One arrow. Direct.
That’s the thing about knowing where you want to be, which is why I put such a big emphasis on getting to Debt-Free Forever, as opposed to just getting out of debt. Can you see the diff?
Most often when you ask people what they want from their lives they give you a vague answer. They’re not really moving towards anything specific. But you can’t wait for life to move you to a place that feels good. You have to decide what you want, what you really, really want and head off in that direction.
If you want your life to change you have to make a clear decision about where you want to go next. Bitching about how much your life sucks won’t get you there. And moaning about how hard it is won’t make the journey any easier. Instead, celebrate the honor and privilege of having the freedom to make a choice and be grateful that you get to decide where your life goes next.
When you’re deciding what you really, really want, make sure it is, in fact, what you really, really want.
Okay, Gail, enough with the “really, really’s.”
Not yet. More tomorrow.
January 3, 2012 at 8:58 am
Just what I needed to hear today Gail! I am going to bookmark this one as a reminder during those moments when I find myself “bitching and moaning”!
January 3, 2012 at 9:44 am
What a great message today! Move toward something rather than away from something!
I began really taking your advice a few months ago and am just 6 months or so away from being credit card debt free. But now I’m motivated to move towards having a healthy savings account. Perhaps in 12 months?
Thank you Gail.
January 3, 2012 at 10:09 am
When I opened my ING account 2 yrs ago for our EF, I used their “goal” feature.
I would get excited to check and see how close I was to the goal and add extra $$ now and then to speed things up. Seeing the amount creep up was quite fun and then I started to challenge myself with decreasing the amount of time it would take to reach my goal. I was pleased to reach my $20,000 goal last month, a few weeks earlier than when I started my plan.
It definitely made a difference having an amount in mind within a set time frame.
January 3, 2012 at 10:39 am
Wow! What do I really, really want? Good question and such a big question.
My ultimate answer would be “To eradicate poverty”
DFF? Yes! and everyone would have live in a healthy, safe and peaceful environment with enough food, safe drinking water and shelter for their community.
January 3, 2012 at 11:09 am
I don’t know what I “really, really” want. There’s nothing I bitch or moan about not having or wish that I had – certainly not anything material or monetary. I’m going to have to really, really think about this.
Don’t forget to put your $5000 into your TFSA. I did that first thing today and now it’s done for the year and I don’t have to think about it until next year.
January 3, 2012 at 11:13 am
I have a coworker who is always complaining about her family’s debt and how she should be retired but will never be able to, how she’s remortgaged their house so many times, that they owe more than its worth, and will never be out of debt, and will likely end up homeless. She’s been complaining for years, and hasn’t made one step toward doing anything about it! Yet, she continually funds her grown children’s trips, education, and her own “vices” of weekly manicures and hair coloring. I used to feel sorry for her, but now it’s hard not to roll my eyes every time she starts to complain. She blames everything on everyone else, a bad business partner of her husband umpteen years ago, her brother “stealing” her inheritance, and how everyone else has good luck, but she has bad. I’ve explained to her that we have had very unfortunate luck too, we’ve lived hand to mouth, AND I make half of what she does, but then she implies that she could never “settle” for our lifestyle, but in the next breath, says how jealous she is that we can afford a holiday across the country. I wish she’d read this blog; I tell her about it. But she also figured they are beyond help; which they are, if they don’t change their ways! Sigh. My rant. May I never get that way!
January 3, 2012 at 11:42 am
I really, really, really want to take my kids for a big adventure in 12 years. Yup, I have a 12 year goal. I discussed it with the hubby, I’ve done the math, I’ve become realistic and… it’s definitely possible. Now we know where we want to be, we have to fill in all the steps inbetween and stay the course. It’s all very exciting!
January 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm
A timely post. When we were doing our budget for the year, I told my partner that the one non-negotiable extra I wanted in there was $500 a month to a savings account. We are thinking of having a baby in the next year or two and that is a big enough decision without having to worry about money on top of it! I just didn’t want to be in a position where we were ready but had to put it off due to money. I wan to be prepared. Thinking of the money as baby money, not as deprivation-not-spending-it money does make a huge difference. Knowing what I am saving for makes it easy to give up one or two restaurant meals.
January 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm
@Cas – I hear you. I get it all the time from friends and aquaintances. They live way beyond their means and them moan and complain about not being able to retire. We live simply and have no debt. We are semi retired, own our own lake front property (all paid for) and a motorhome (all paid for). Everyone thinks we must be rich LOL. I was a single mom for 10 years and hubby and I both have worked hard for our money and believe it should work just as hard for us.
January 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Like Natalie, we have a specific goal and it’s a few years down the road. Our goal is to purchase an acreage in a specific location and over two years, build our final family home – insulated concrete form, off-grid and move our garden production to greenhouses. We’ve spent the last few years discussing this goal and it took a lot more shape when we narrowed down the location, timeframe and cost. We have a series of savings accounts set aside for the key up-front expenses – buying land, finalizing drawings with architect and financing interim housing (the new house is in a different part of the province so we’ll be moving to do this). It will also happen as we move into our first stages of retirement.
The good thing by having this specific dream we are moving toward, every time we face a spending decision, either the hubby or I ask, “Does this bring value to our lives today? Will it add clutter to our home (if it’s a “thing”). What about our new home – how is this expense get us toward that goal?”
It’s a great way to keep in check and neither of us is being the Grinch when we say no to something. We feel satisfied with what we have now because we know where we’re going.
And it didn’t take much to get the kids on board – they are 21 and 16 and both are focussed on their own futures and they sure aren’t deprived of anything right now.
Great message today, Gail. Nice to start off the year on positive footing.
January 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm
What do I really really want?
A new car.
Now before I get lambasted for such a simplistic materialistic goal allow me to expand.
I own my house. Not the bank. Have zero debt. My husband and I make regular weekly RRSP, RESP and TFSA contributions ontop of our company contributions to GRRSP and Pensions.
The car I want is totally a WANT vs NEED. I will buy used. Pay with as much cash as possible and pay it off as quckly as possible. And then I will drive it into the ground.
Having said all that….the car I currently drive is 10 years old with 250,000 k and could likely go another 50,000k without much in terms of repair in comparison to the cost of the “new” car. So for now the “new” car will likely wait.
I am very proud of what we have accomplished. But we did not get there by keeping up with the Jones.
Living debt free is the best.
January 3, 2012 at 12:53 pm
I have been mulling this over the last few weeks. I have achieved a lot of goals this last year, still on track to debt free forever, but not close enough to add any other long term items to the list. Or so I thought. Perhaps a long term plan – more than 5 years – is definitely a horizon worth looking toward.
January 3, 2012 at 1:01 pm
A dream is a goal with no plan. Put a plan to it and take one step.
I truly believe that all dreams can come true when you put a plan to and work hard at it.
Having a dream to work towards makes the journey to get there interesting
May all your dreams come true
Hugs
January 3, 2012 at 1:01 pm
I totally read the title in Spice Girls tune! Too funny, great article, thanks as always
January 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Hi Everyone,
This really, really, hits home with me today. What I really wanted last year was to start an emergency fund and to get out of debt. I am now almost debt free, and was able to start a “baby” emergency fund of $600. I am so glad that I did, since yesterday I broke a tooth, and the fix I need is not covered by my insurance. It will probably totally drain my fund, but I sure am glad I don’t have to go into debt again to fix my tooth! I hope you all have a great year and get what you really, really want! ( Now I will have that song in my head all day!)
January 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I want to be a university professor which (unfortunately) means taking out a student loan and going into debt… but my education will pay off!
January 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm
[...] in Till Debt and Princess is that it engages you in the reflective practice of asking, “What do you want?” but also turns it into something practical by breaking down the goal into small steps and also [...]
January 3, 2012 at 2:58 pm
I’ve started re-reading Your Money or Your Life yesterday, as I was feeling kind of like I was floundering. I’ve had the DFF goal for so long now, and as I get $5000 out, I end up going $1000 in for something unforseen that I hadn’t yet built the EF up enough to cover. So I was getting frustrated, and then after really reading the first chapter and reading this post today, along with comments, I am starting to see what I really, really want take more shape in my head. It’s still fuzzy, but since I’m home sick today, and will likely have to extend to tomorrow too, I think I’ll look at it as a mini-me-cation and focus on where I want to be in 3 months, 6, months, 1 year, and 3 years…my 5 year plans never work out, so I only want to get to 3 years. Which will actually coincide with when my oldest is in his first year of post-secondary, so maybe I’ll have an idea of what I need to pump up in RESP’s for his younger sib…please God not too much, and maybe we can take a 2 week down-south Xmas vacation in 3 years. Frivolous? Absolutely. Memorable? For sure!
Happy 2012′ing everyone!
January 3, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Well, hello folks! I just finished reading your book Gail, and started to fix our finances. We managed to make Christmas happen and not go into any overdraft or increase debt. My visa is at zero (yay) and I have made my first savings deposit this month. My goal….debt free in 10 months and 1000.00 savings each month. Tax free savings account here I come….what a difference it makes writing everything down and keeping very receipt…..I already. Eel far ahead if where I was just one month ago. Whoo hoo!
January 3, 2012 at 8:32 pm
thanks alot Gail.. now I have “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls playing in my head.. who were super cool way back in grade 6 lol
January 4, 2012 at 12:40 am
I love this one Gail. It is so important to stay on track, and is very common for people to lose a sense of where they are going, leading them into financial trouble. People think that just because they pay off their debt at one point in their life they will be safe financially forever. It is a big difference between having no debt and having a debt-free life and this article emphasizes exactly that! I guarantee that this read will be sure to help many people realize, and fix their debt problems.
January 6, 2012 at 11:10 am
Hi Gail,
While I agree in principle, “moving away from something” can be a motivator as well. Certainly if there are negative consequences associated with that behaviour.
A “stop doing” list for some people, can be equally powerful as a “start doing” list.
Whether you are “moving towards” something or “moving away” from something, the plan needs to be specific, measurable, time-oriented and realistic.
For every yin there is a yang and your article above doesn’t really address this.
Thanks for reading
January 8, 2012 at 11:09 am
I’ve always looked at getting out of debt as the low hanging fruit in getting your finances in order. It’s easy to see that the first issue is to deal with the debt you already have. There are many approaches to get their but it’s a straightforward first goal and for many people it’s enough of a mountain that they don’t look beyond it to a time without debt.
Once the debt is gone, then you really need to to take a long, long look at your priorities. With extra money available once the debt repayments are done you need to form a clear plan of where to send that money or it will easily be frettered away on crap. Surely that wasn’t the reason you wanted out of debt in the first place.
Now that we’re down to just the mortgage, and we live on 55-60% percent of our take home pay, we needed a clear plan of attack. We decided retiring early was a priority (ie. late 50’s). We also want to travel with our kids in the meantime even if it means retiring a few years later than if we didn’t travel. “Stuff” just isn’t important to us. We pay cash for 3yr old cars and drive them until they go to the scrap yard. We haven’t had cable in over 20yrs. We rarely eat in restaurants unless we’re travelling. As a result of this clear focus on our goals, it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice to send all the excess on a weekly basis to our RRSPs, TFSAs, an extra mortgage payment, or set it aside for an upcoming trip. When you look at it as getting one step closer to your goal, rather than missing out on something it changes your whole perspective. At this point I honestly wouldn’t get any enjoyment out of an expense restaurant meal, or 200 channels on my TV. I’d see it as wasted dollars that could have gone to retiring x days earlier, or x nights of hotel in ______ (pick a city).
Our priorities aren’t the same as other peoples and that’s fine. Any priority is valid as long as you consciously chose it.
January 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Gail,
I just want to say that you are awesome. I love your shows and your no nonsense wisdom. I am not like your typical fan as I am the opposite of your show guests. I have tracked every penny I spend from the time I made my first money as a teen. I have been married for thirty years. We agree about spending, buy what we can afford, pay cash and the only debt we have is our home. We spend about half of what we make. I chose a very altruistic career for many years and lived on a very, very modest income for twenty years. It can be done.
Thank you for confirming through your shows that our commitment to stay out of debt was the right choice.
I think that what you do, you do with passion and wisdom and it is obviously making a difference in people’s lives. Now, if I could only get my own grown children to listen to my advice a bit more. That’s something I really, really want.