Choose Happy
Posted by John Draper | Filed under Life Lessons, Psychology
I think most of us already know that more money doesn’t make people happier. Yes, we all want our most basic needs to be met. It’s pretty hard to be happy if you’re worried about where you’ll be living next week, or if you have enough money to buy milk for the kids. But let’s face it, it doesn’t take all our money to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. There are soooo many things we buy that have little to do with our basic needs.
So how do you know when you have Enough? And what do you have to have in your life to be happy?
According to the main scientific survey of international happiness carried out by Leicester University in England, of 178 countries, Denmark has the happiest people. Canada ranks 10th and the U.S. ranks 23rd. The U.K. is at 41, China is at 82 and Japan is at 90. India is at 124 and Russia at 167. When asked if they are happy with their lives, people in countries with good healthcare, a higher GDP per capita, and access to education are more likely to report being happy. I guess health care and education are just as important as the economy then, right?
So what makes the Danes so damn happy? Maybe it’s the omega oils in all that herring. Or it could be their higher levels of sunshine… no, that’s not it! How about the fact that Danes are known for having modest expectations. Yup. When you don’t want the world, you’re more grateful for what you have and you’re less likely to tie yourself into a knot because your car is old, your house is small, or your clothes aren’t the latest fashion.
The Danes also value Friendship very highly. Hmmm.
So how important is friendship to you? And how happy are you with what you HAVE?
Y’all have heard me talk about the book, Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. Here’s a quote:
“So much dissatisfaction comes from focusing on what we don’t have that the simple exercise of acknowledging and valuing what we do have can transform our outlook.”
I believe this with every cell in my body. Simply by turning it around from What We Don’t Have to What We Do Have we can change our expectations and change our level of happiness. Now it isn’t about what’s missing. It’s about what’s there.
From time to time we have to remind ourselves of what we have to be happy about. That’s part of showing gratitude, of saying ‘thank you’ for what is in our lives. It’s easy to get caught up with what’s missing, with what we think we need or want. But taking the time to say ‘thank you’, to count blessings, to remember what we HAVE, can take us from desirous to satisfied.
According to Jonathan Haidt,? Associate Professor of Psychology?at the University of Virginia and author or The Happiness Hypothesis,
“… happiness and meaning come from getting the right relationship between yourself and others, yourself and your work, and yourself and something larger than yourself.”
He also says,
“Happiness doesn’t come entirely from within, but if you ever have to choose between changing your thinking or changing the world to make it conform to your wishes, be sure to choose the former.”
And that’s what this is all about: changing your own thinking. Not everything will always be exactly the way we want it in our lives. Lord knows I wouldn’t choose some of the things I’m doing right now. But it doesn’t matter what life throws at you, you can decide how you’ll perceive it and deal with it. It can be a momentous event or a small setback. You get to decide if it’s going to throw you off track or if you’re just going to climb over the ficken wall and keep going.
Crap happens, that’s life. It’s how you deal with it that separates the winners from the losers, the happy from the chronically miserable, the optimists from the pessimists. You choose.
YOU.
CHOOSE.
On a separate note: I’m doing an article on “How to Weather the Economic Storm” for Homemakers Magazine and I’m looking for a young woman who saw the economy changing and made some adjustments to her portfolio to protect her nest egg, or otherwise responded appropriately to the news. If you’re that girl, drop me an email at getgvo@hughes.net. I’d need to do a phone interview with you so I’ll need your phone number. You can be anonymous in the article, but you would have to verify the facts with a “checker”… the person who reviews the facts of the article for the magazine to make sure they are correct.
November 24, 2008 at 9:21 am
Great article, Gail. I got a big chuckle about the Danes. My father-in-law is Danish, soon to be 100 years old, and quite a happy man.
I see having enough as having abundance. I have shelter in the form of a modest home, clothing and footwear to suit the seasons that I purchase from thrift stores, nutritious food that is prepared from scratch, and clean drinking water from a tap.
The difference between my life today and what I was as a young girl, is that I had to pump and haul drinking water – no running water. (And an outdoor bathroom) (lol).
So many people in this world, including Canada, don’t have adequate basic necessities of life. This is why I consider having enough as having abundance.
Keeping up with the Jones’ while fostering a longing for the greener grass on the other side of the fence is a waste of time that doesn’t lead to happiness.
I have known people who were very materially wealthy and utterly miserable. They were trapped in an endless cycle of earn, shop and buy. Each time, they exuded the childlike happiness with a new toy and quickly became disenchanted because the “happiness” didn’t last.
I do believe that happiness comes from within once you understand what makes you happy. Too many people don’t take the time to really think about that. One time many years ago, I sat down and wrote a list of things that made me happy, and then ordered them by their importance to me. Today, I would probably write a different list, because my life changed when I got sick. Am I still happy? You bet I am.
Once I went through the grief of adjusting to a chronic illness that delivers a considerable amount of pain and fatigue, I got help to assemble the tools I needed to understand and cope with the symptoms. I didn’t exactly go over the wall, just kind of limped my way around it slowly (lol), but hey, it worked.
Today simplicity is part of what makes me happy. A simple life that I try each day to function as best I can. I used to long distance run and be quite athletic in the past. I don’t live in the past and that also makes me happy. Today, I am very happy if I can do a slow walk, enjoy the birds, fresh air, and chat with a neighbor.
Creativity is another way I experience happiness. It is a slower process now, but just as fulfilling, perhaps even more so. When I slowed down, I could really take the time to be in the moment and appreciate more aspects of whatever I was creating.
My relationship with my husband and a few close friends are part of my happiness. So is the community I live in. I am very blessed and part of my happiness is counting blessings daily. An attitude of gratitude.
When I hired and trained people for a particular company I used to work for, I believed that attitude counted for 99% of an applicant’s ability to do a job. The skills and “how-to’s” could be trained in later. Over and over that proved to be true as I watched people master new skills and become valued team members.
Attitude is the filter through which we see ourselves, our world and others.
Learning is part of my happiness. I have learned so much from your website Gail. Thank you.
November 24, 2008 at 9:51 am
Gail,
I’m just putting the finishing touches on my “Getting Debt Free” story and today’s comment is so timely. I’ve titled it “I’m 99% Debt Free but Wonder why I still Worry???” money does not buy happiness, but staying the course to debt freedom can have it’s pitfalls. When you regularly say “No” to people for fear of spending a few bucks to have some fun eventually they stop asking, I’m not saying eveything fun takes money but not eveyone is on the same course. We and so close to our goals but old habits die hard and saying “Yes” let’s do it will be hard too do, if they ask again.
November 24, 2008 at 10:23 am
Well said, Gail.
While this economic downturn does get me worried about how people will fare when it comes to necessities, there is a part of me that feels like we Western countries need a good shake-up to get our priorities straight.
How dare we feel discontent because our car/house/clothes aren’t the latest and greatest?
We are so spoiled and petulant compared to most of the world. We take and take and can’t figure out why it doesn’t satisfy us.
You don’t have to head to the Third World to get a dose of reality, either. Just pause for a moment and think how unimportant some things would become if you or your loved one were facing a health crisis.
My husband and I were talking about this just last night. We were on our way home from dinner with a good friend. A simple and pleasant evening of a shared meal and good conversation. He suddenly stopped and took my hand and just said, “We are so lucky, you know? We have been given such easy, happy lives.” And it’s true. We rent a house, drive a secondhand car, shop at the thrift store, and watch our pennies. But it’s all by choice. The frugal life has been incredibly freeing. There’s no deprivation.
And we have our health, a baby on the way, a loving supportive family, great friends, the list goes on.
Let’s hope that this realization starts to sink in for society as a whole. That instead of whining about not being able to afford expensive cars and houses the way we could a few years ago (although even that’s debatable!), that we reach out to each other and help each other out in hard times. That we take a good look at the lives we were leading and realize that we didn’t need all that stuff anyway.
What if we looked at the economic crisis as an opportunity for change?
It may not be an easy process, but we might surprise ourselves.
Hope this doesn’t sound too preachy, but the post really struck a chord with me.
November 24, 2008 at 10:34 am
I really am happy. I’m blessed to have a warm home, a good husband & wonderful son and 2 dogs that bring me so much pleasure & laughter.
We have good families that are caring 7 giving of themselves.
We have jobs that provide us with enough money to keep our home running & gas in the car etc. Overall, we are healthy and can’t complain.
I have wonderful life long friends that will be my friends for the rest of our lives. I have enough *stuff* to furnish my home and make me feel good about my suroundings. I’m blessed with creativity that I can share with others.
There are so many reasons to be happy & thankful for our lives.
I don’t need a trip south every year or a fancy car to be happy. I don’t need more jewellery or gadgets, a big house or a fancier kitchen. I won’t lie – I’d like them! lol! But I’m just as content with what I have.
You decide your outlook on life.
Just wanted to share one of my favourite quotes:
Talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it, is your gift to God.
; )
November 24, 2008 at 10:35 am
I’m so grateful for what I have!!
I agree 100% percent… you can make yourself miserable by focusing on what you don’t have. When I look around at all the things I do have today I just know I’m trully blessed and I’m so grateful for it.
Thank you Gail for reminding me… what a ray of sunshine on a gloomy Monday morning!
November 24, 2008 at 11:17 am
This is such a great post. It’s something I’ve been blogging about quite a bit lately. I love what the other readers have to say, too. I agree wholeheartedly that peace comes from letting go. Just being in the moment and being happy and grateful from everything you already have can bring you so much joy, naturally, effortlessly. Gail, I love how you quote “Your Money or Your Life.” It’s one of my favourite money books and I love their concept of reaching that perfect point of balance called “enoughness.” Having your basic needs met, maybe even a few luxuries, with nothing extra to weigh you down.
I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Spock on Star Trek:
After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a
thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.
Oh, and Goal 0 Debt: You’re working hard and it sounds like you’re going to reach a burn out point soon. My suggestion: Invite your friends out for a free activity. For example, pack some hot chocolate in a thermos and go out for a winter walk, hike, ice skate, or game of football in the park. Or invite everyone over for a pot-luck. (You don’t even need to supply booze – one person’s job can be to bring some wine). Or do a swap. Or make some homemade treats and brew some coffee and have friends over for a chat. You need some fun and it doesn’t have to be expensive!
November 24, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Oh SG – I’m already having a bit of a crush on you and then you quote Star Trek and seal the deal. Goal 0 Debt – SG’s advice is right on. Life is about balance and I think in the end that’s what happiness is – having balance between wants and needs, rewards and sacrifice, taking chances and losing a few rounds but winning the fight, that sort of thing. Hopefully less cliched.
November 24, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I love-love-love “Your Money or Your Life” – it’s excellent.
It is very freeing to realize that you don’t really want or need anything – no more “stuff”. That you have Enough.
November 24, 2008 at 2:51 pm
This is so timely with Christmas looming…. I fall into the same trap every year since having kids. I know that they would “love” a toy, so I get it for them, and then I see other toys that they would really enjoy, and more and more and more, until it looks like a toyshop under the tree just from ME!!! I don’t go into debt over it, toys are disgustingly cheap and there is a HUGE selection out there for any boy or girl…
The problem is that this trap I fall into has to do with thinking about how much they would like the toy that they don’t have yet! Just this year it has finally sunk in that they can’t (and shouldn’t) have EVERY toy that they would enjoy, they couldn’t possibly play with them all!!! AND they already have so MUCH that I need to accept that.
It’s harder than it sounds, I want my kids to have every happiness that I can afford… see the trap? Happiness does NOT come from the volume of toys, in fact I have seen the opposite, they get burned out and really don’t have fun at all after a certain point.
It is a real smack on the forehead finally getting that!!!! It’s just STUFF!!! Stuff that will be outgrown, broken and forgotten, just taking up space on their floors after the thrill of receiving them has faded. I think I am much wiser this Christmas, thanks in no small part to my regular visits to this blog.
November 24, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I love this post, Gail. It’s really beautiful. ( I should have read this first thing in the morning : ), I thought I was having a bad day..but I should know better/looking back I’m so thankful).
Beautiful post. Thank you.
November 25, 2008 at 10:07 am
Tracy J – it’s good that you are learning that lesson now because yes, toys at a young age may be cheaper so you can get lots but as they get older their wants get more expensive and it is impossible to keep up with the “full” Christmas tree every year.
I had the hardest time with this as my children turned into teenagers and clothes, gadgets etc were so costly that they only had a couple of things under the tree that cost the same as the multiple toys I used to buy. I felt so bad for so many years thinking they would be so disappointed on Christmas morning, they never were though as I always got them to tell me one big present they would like and a little present and always made sure I got those 2 things for them as well as a couple little surprises from Santa
)
November 25, 2008 at 11:59 am
Great Post!
I need to remind myself of this often — to focus on the positives not the negatives! I’m blessed with a loving family and a good education!
November 26, 2008 at 7:20 am
Thank You, Gail!!
I think of you often lately, as I too am moving through divorce. After he moved out, I knew that the temporary arrangements were untenable for the long term and needed to change my life. It’s been a tough 3 months but I chased after (and won, I think!) a better job and am now no longer worrying about how I’ll keep my kids in everything they’ll need, while maybe or maybe not getting regular support money.
Like you, my beautiful house that I’ve worked so hard on fixing up is going to be lost to me, but God or grace, whichever you believe in, has stepped in with a cute-as-a-bug PERFECT little place for us to rent.
It feels a bit like the eye of the storm for me, because the ca ca is about to hit the fan as we draw up all the legal papers. However, with my new income and new cute house, I’ll be insulated against the worst of it.
And Happy??? Boy, am I ever!!! In fact, maybe truly happy for the first time in ten years. I am slowly pruning away the dead weight in my life!! One of my best friends is a dairy farmer. They are tied to the farm, as the animals need milking twice a day. This means hardly ever eating dinner out or taking long trips anywhere. And yet, I find ways to invite myself over as often as I can. Their life is so modest yet the love that radiates from that family could warm up a hundred cold hearts.
I am learning a lot from them.
Gail, I hope you are doing well and that this Christmas is peaceful for you. I hope the joy outweighs the sadness, which will inevitably be a part of my Christmas this year as well as yours. But you already know that you are a rockin’ lady who will keep on succeeding long after this heartbreak is behind you. I am learning to be one of those, myself. And of course, starting over on a BUDGET is going to keep paving the way to a happy life, too!!
Peace!
Lynda in Harrow