Family Ties
Posted by John Draper | Filed under Money & Family
I’ve had a flurry of questions recently from people who are worried about their parents’ futures. Having cleaned up their own messes, they’re looking at their parents and realizing that they could inherit more trouble than money.
While we’re constantly reminded how important it is to set aside money for our own retirements, hardly anyone is talking about what to do if you have a Mom or Dad who is a dope with money and counting on you to bail them out. And if you have a partner that came from an equally shaky financial background, you could end up four poor old people for whom you feel you are financially responsible.
The problem is made worse when you’re the only fiscally responsible member of your family. Sisters and brothers have chosen to live life to the fullest, damn the debt, and will be in no position to help you help your parents.
There’s no right or wrong answer to how to deal with this kind of situation. But I’m very interested in your perspective on what a person should do when faced with a financially irresponsible parent who needs bailing out. Do you think it is okay to criticize your parents for not being financially responsible? How far can you go?
Most of us would dream of telling a friend how to manage their money, even if asked. Since I’m constantly being asked this question, and all people really want is my stamp of approval, I walk a fine line between being honest and keeping my friends. But when it comes to one’s parents, and their potential dependency, does that give us the right to read ‘em the riot act?
Have any of you even discussed your parents’ financial situation with them?
If you plan to have these conversations eventually, when’s the best time?
And do you feel it is your responsibility to step into the breach and take care of your ol’ Mom or Dad if they can’t do it for themselves?
What steps would you be prepared to take to help? For example, some children have chosen to purchase their parents’ homes from them, allowing them to live there rent free while also benefitting from the money they realized from the sale of their home. The asset continues to appreciate until the parents’ demise, at which point it can be sold and use for retirement.
Would you be prepared to continue working past the normal retirement age to support a mother and/or father who had only the paltriest of incomes?
If your parent(s) live in an area that is not close to you, would you relocate to help them? Would you move?
These are all tough things to work through; there’s a lot of emotion and a lot of fear associated with coming to terms with our elderly parents financial dependency. So now I want to hear from you!
November 7, 2008 at 6:59 am
My husband and I have had these conversations with my parents (My Husband’s parents have already passed away). My parents don’t have a lot, but they are debt free and do live frugally. At the moment, my parents are currently moving from a farm into town – but onto a large block and will be building a new house. My husband and I have offered to help finance the move if there happens to be a gap between receivng the money from the farm and needing that money to purchase the new block of land in town. My parents were surprised at this offer from ourselves. My husband and I realised a long time ago that any shortfalls in my parents finances would end up being covered by ourselves. My Sister unfortunately falls into the ‘Live life to the fullest – debt be damned’ catergory.
November 7, 2008 at 7:40 am
My parents were very good with the money they had when they were working, and did their best to fund their retirement years. (Several purchases of small annuities, etc.) Nonetheless, my mother is 92 and ticking along on 3.5 cylinders. Her biggest weakness, like many seniors, is falling. Does a family place an elderly loved one in a long term care facility and leave the staff with complete responsibility for their well being? Only if you like hospital visiting brought on by a broken pelvis or hip. Or do you pay a PSW service $22.00 per hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to augment the senior’s home care? Two extremes, I know, but big questions to ponder as you look ahead to possible financial demands during your own retirement years.
November 7, 2008 at 9:14 am
Luckily, our surviving parents–my Mom and my Grandmother, were very good with money and scared enough about retirement to prepare. Grandma is 92 and living alone in a house she owns and is doing fine. I’ve learned from them that not only will I probably face retirement as a single widow, but I’d better be prepared to be self-sufficient for a very long time. The women on my side of the family seem to live well into their 90’s while the men start dropping off around 60-70.
That’s one reason I’m so intently studying your site. I’ve been a SAHM now for a decade and I’m now in my 40’s. Child care for my toddler costs as much as I’d earn so I’m waiting to return to work when he starts first grade. I hadn’t thought of setting aside anything to care for my Mom. She’s in her 70’s and still considering working part time to bolster her savings more. Now I’m thinking I’ll have to save as much as possible, just in case.
November 7, 2008 at 9:47 am
This is exactly were I am right now!!! My parents are 60 & 61 and have very little money put away for retirement. I have made it very clear to them that I will not be taking care of them financially when the retire on CPP and OAS. My father currently ears around 120K a year and my mother about 8K and they put nothing in RRSP’s. It is so frustrating. My mother said “but we did not know about RRSP’s”….I told her that for the past 14 years my husband (a CGA and tax manager) and I have been trying to get them to do something…but always the excuses. She tried to use the excuse that she was busy paying my education…I graduated in 1994. Come on!! She then tried to tell me that I spend too much money. I said I have money going into RRSP’s and RESP’s for both of my kids every month. AHH! Now they have gone and done the dumbest thing ever…they up and sold there house with no plan in place except a piece of land. I used to work in construction and told my father that he would need to plan for 6 months before doing that but he ignored me. So as of Thursday they are homeless and moving in with me. On top of this they broke down and told me how my father lost his job in September and they won’t have the money to finish the house. At that point I flipped because he was not even looking for another job. I woke them up when I said no bank is going to give you a mortgage to finish the house when you don’t have a job. He got a job three days later. He just needed to make a few calls and he got one. I also asked how they were going to pay the mortgage payments once they are on CPP & OAS and there total earnings go to 20K a year (my husband figured it out)??? That woke them up and now they are going to pay cash for things and live in the house unfinished until they have the cash to finish things and they have scaled back what they are putting into it. Hopefully they continue on this course. I have been the “parent” in this relationship since I was 15 years old and they wonder why I get stressed. Thank goodness by husbands parents have more then enough put away that we don’t have to worry about them. Parents!!!!
November 7, 2008 at 9:56 am
My wife and I have to think about three sets of parents (her parents are divorced and remarried). All our parents own their homes and could sell them and downsize if necessary, thereby having extra funds. Thankfully, our parents also have retirement funds set aside (with my in-laws having investments outside of RSPs).
We’ve already discussed our options and if/when the time comes, my wife and I are prepared to take our parents in with us. It would likely mean buying a slightly larger house on our part, but when we needed our parent’s help, they were and are always there for us. I’m also fortunate that my brother is very responsible and would assist in any way possible.
November 7, 2008 at 10:04 am
My husband and I and his brother and sister-in-law have this discussion about his parents all the time. I am a health profesional, and I’ve seen how much private care or even nursing homes can cost. I’m always pointing out that his mother could not survive on the old age pension (she hasn’t worked outside the home since before her children were born so she has nothing else) even if she were healthy (which she is not). Furthmore, she doesn’t drive, and his parents live out in the boonies. If something happened to his Dad first, they’d be up a creek without a paddle. I explained to my husband that at some point, we may have to decide between helping our children with university or paying off our mortgage sooner, and ensuring his mother has a place to live. Sometime I get quite bitter thinking that we’ve worked hard to be responsible, and we might have to bail them out because they were not. What can you do though? Do you let a frail old woman live out on the street to teach her a lesson? Obviously not. We’ve tried to have conversations with them to try to plan ahead, but they won’t hear of it. Clearly you’ve hit a nerve here Gail… I wonder if anyone else has good answers to this nasty dilemma…
November 7, 2008 at 10:26 am
my parents have no retirement savings, debt up to their eyeballs, and a mortgage that keeps getting refinanced. they are working until they die. they know that me and my husband are in no place to financially help them out and i think they have just come to accept their lot in life.
my father cashed out some of his RRSPs about 3 years ago to pay off credit card debt. my mother has a pension, but no RRSPs or savings to supplement her income. i feel even more upset about the whole situation because i am an only child. there is no one else going to come help me with money, care, and support for my parents.
right now i am learning from their mistakes. that’s all i can do.
November 7, 2008 at 10:58 am
We have just had this discussion with family this week because after surgery my Father-in-law needed more care and my Mother-in-law is too fragile to do anything for him (he was her caregiver!!). We were more than willing to give what we could to help but they have a savings that they will use. The funny thing is, they didn’t want to because their emergency savings are for just that, an emergency. My bro-in-law talked them into it explaining that this is the “rainy day” they have been saving for!!
As for my parents, who knows!! They both own homes and have retirement plans and they are both over 65 – my Dad has been retired since he was 55 with a great pension. Their divorce cost them both ALOT and so they both still have mortgages. It remains to be seen what will happen in the future but luckily my brother and sister will be able to help if necessary!
November 7, 2008 at 11:31 am
Wow, what a tough subject. To me, it drives home the point of learning from others mistakes and planning early. I recall a former boyfriend of mine who, at 21 years old, watched his father (who was in his 40s) die of liver cancer. What a shock. It was a downward spiral that took only months to kill him. And my boyfriend, named power of attorney, got saddled taking care of the debts. His father probably assumed he’d have lots of years ahead of him to take care of the troubled financial situation he was in. In addition, I have watched my own father carry not only the financial burden of his mother but also the burden of her health. For years he encouraged her, in vein, to take better care of herself. And now, my grandmother is facing an amputation in her future, and my dad is struggling to navigate her through the maze and complexities of expensive long-term care facilities. Through it all, my Dad must shoulder the financial and emotional burdens. Thank goodness my parents are smart enough to learn from these mistakes and take better care of their finances and their health. I know they don’t want to weigh my sister and I down with what they have had to go through.
I will say this – you can’t make someone change. But you can be honest. Being blunt and honest, like Melanie has done, is necessary – saving someone from tragic circumstances is more important than being “nice.” But I have great sympathy for those who must watch in frustration as their loved ones make the same mistakes over and over again.
November 7, 2008 at 11:34 am
oh you really got me with this one! My parents are not that bad off in that they own their own home fully, live frugally and listened to me when I convinced them to get RRSP’s 12 years ago… the only problem has been my brother constantly getting them to bail him out of his financial messes. My dad will be retiring (hopefully he says) in a few years while my mom has about 10 years to go and they are OK but even with all this going for them it may not be enough… Thankfully they can down-size there home and they really are starting to get it. I’ve talked to my brother and explained that they are not ready for retirement – he is young and able and shouldn’t be asking them for money. He just fluffs it off saying they are fine but my parents have finally started saying “NO” to him.
In the past they felt guilty about helping him so much and wanted to give me money – I totally refused and said if they had any extra they would be doing me a favour by putting it into their retirement fund because I know to whom the financial burden will fall to if they don’t have enough.
Of course, I will help them if I can but I have a child to put through school and my own retirement to focus on… it’s funny because the other day I was there for dinner and they suddenly got all concerned about my retirement lol…
They have always been there for me and I will be there for them but enough with the mooching from my brother… I’m hoping that is finally over with. it would be one thing if it were for legitimate reasons but his financial troubles has always been because he has to have everything he sees and wants and wants – enough!
ok – gonna stop ranting… thanks Gail
You rock!
November 7, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Well, we live in rural Saskatchewan & housing here is still pretty affordable ( we just bought a house to flip or rent for $27,000 – built in the 60’s). My MIL & husband moved here 10 years ago. They sold their farm in Ontario & retired here because houseing was so cheap ( their house cost onlY $17,000 & was in great shape). My FIL passed away 5 years ago & left MIL in good shape financailly ( she is of the generation that is very frugal). However, she has ‘ helped’ some of her kids ( not us) througout the years. This last year she had to move because her daighter , who lived next to her & therefor could look out for her, moved to be closer to a main town, where we live. MIL was very upset to leave her home & refused to go into a home. Not to worry we said, we have lots of room & so we took her in. We built a bathroom for her & gave her her own suite & made things easier for her to get around.She was still depressed ( she tried very hard not to be but couldn’t help it). We even discussed selling our house & building a new one with a ‘granny suite’. That brought a glimmer of hope to her but she still wanted her own house. & cried often I could see a stroke heading her way. Housing has gone up in SK, but we managed to find her an affordable one right next to her daughter & only 15 minutes from us. The problem is her savings are dwindling.. due to the fact she keeps bailing out her youngest ( in his 50’s ). My husband has worked tirelessly to get her house ready for her to move in ( moving day is today…he just home from work 5:30am, will move all day & go back to work to night until 5:30am). Anyway, the thing is she is trying to get her son to move in with her. She said she will will him the house, that this is his future etc. Her daughter helps her with her finances & we have been told to butt out. I did ask MIL how much she had saved, because she has been spending money like crazy & by the time all the reno’s are finished, she might have 10 grand left( she’s 83, but in good health except for arthritis). I told her she has to be careful with the rest of her money, Any medical emergency might arise & if her pensions won’t cover her expenses, the house would have to be sold. When I talk like that, she just talks right over me; doesn’t want to hear it. What I am afraid of is her son( baby) will quit his job in Ont. & move in with her & she will give it to him. She is even talking about buying him a truck!!. If something happens who do you think will be expexted to take her in again??? She is a wonderful person, but I can’t go through this again. We have no say in her finances, yet because we have the ‘most’ money in the family, we will be expected to foot the bill. My husband is still paying for child support… don’t get me started on that!! My delema is.. do we just keep our mouths shut if things get financailly tight for her ( remember, we were told to stay out ..actually we were accused by SIL of trying to get all the inheritance!!). My husdand is of the mind at this point, we will help Mom the best we can..& stay out of the rest. We don’t care who gets what. I don’t either, except, I won’t take her back if something happens & she can’t afford to live there. She had more money to retire on than I will ever have, & because she has a soft spot for her kids, has ‘helped’ them to the point she is in danger of depleting her savings. She has to live with her choices. Am I being too hard hearted? May be we should sell our house & buy a trailer. That way no one will want to move in with us ( step kids have all moved in & out with us twice). Thanks for letting me vent!!
November 7, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Sounds extraordinarily frustrating Debbie. Wish I had advice for you but it just sounds like a really tough situation. All I can do is wish you the best of luck!
November 7, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Debbie, I agree with Saver Queen (great name btw) – that’s a tough situation. It sounds like you’ve done an extraordinary job of trying to help and it may be for naught which sucks. What I might suggest is a ‘blocker’ between your finances and your mom’s. It’s hard to accept but sometimes you have to let people fail on their own; here’s where the blocker comes in. Get a lawyer or accountant to represent your interests, and they can say you’re not in a position to help but that they can help your mom go through her assets and put together a plan of action so she can help herself (she has at least some property). I equate money problems with alcohol and other excessive consumption problems — sometimes you can only offer support until they person really, truly admits they need help – after they hit bottom. That makes me sound harsh but I’m not really trying to be.
November 7, 2008 at 1:33 pm
All the stories that people are sharing are so full of emotion. Thank you all.
It’s pretty clear that there’s no “easy” solution to any of the above situations. Working in a hospital, I treat a lot of elderly people and prepare them and their families for life after discharge from the hospital.
My coworkers and I approach patients and families with honesty, empathy, and options. We allow them to make their choice and regardless of whether we agree with them or not, we respect their choice and support them in the best way that we can.
I guess that’s what I recommend to everyone. So educate yourself on what options are out that are relevant to your situation. Look up things like financial support, insurance (I learned that there is such a thing as long term care insurance), and living arrangements. Get expert advice if you need it. Not just from financial planners but also from community support agencies and the like (e.g. home care, meals on wheels, seniors caring for seiors etc). That way, you can have an informed conversation with your family members.
November 7, 2008 at 2:19 pm
This one was difficult to read. We’ve been talking about what do to about my parents since before we got married (it was part of our pre-marriage counselling). My husband’s parents are great, plus there’s three other finacially sound siblings who love their parents on his side. My family is a mess. My parents are divorced, both with erratic money and job histories. My dad married a woman who owns a house, so it’s a little easier. My mom, however, is constant source of worry. We’ve pretty much decided that when the time comes, we’ll buy a condo as an investment for us – and let her live there rent free. With the stipulation that no other relatives except her partner lives there. It’s great to hear all of your comments.
November 7, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I work for a financial planning firm and see the horrors of poor planning all the time. It is not an easy subject to bring up but maybe beginning with some questions about estate planning (especially if you are the executor of their wills) can be a good start. If they don’t have wills, your horror will be worse so possibly beginning with that conversation will lead to being able to help them put their “financial house in order” before it’s too late.
November 7, 2008 at 3:20 pm
oh…. it is a stress of mine for sure!
It is not in the budget, but it is in my mind
My husband’s parents have ZERO savings and no plan! I think FIL is planning to have a heart attack before retirement the way he takes terrible care of himself, and MIL has her own set of health issues that are beyond her control. However, we do love them very much and my husband’s siblings will also do anything to make sure they are comfortable and well taken care of, even if it means full time care over what the government allowances are.
As for MY parents, Dad is very responsible and I am sure has his ducks in a row for a very long life… my Mom has re-married younger to a fellow with great pension potential. So as long as they are together I think she will be okay no matter how terrible she is at spending. I love her, but I really really don’t want to have to worry about her as an elderly person… I don’t think she would let us take care of her anyways.
November 7, 2008 at 4:19 pm
A difficult subject for sure. Especially when I’m obviously older that all of you as I struggle to get our ducks in a row for retirement. Hubby retires next summer (with an excellent pension) and I’ve never had a pension as I’ve worked part time to be there for our children. We have our home, a line of credit, and some RSP’s. No other debt.
Both my parents were money savvy and are deceased. Only parent remaining is my 84 yr. old MIL who is in a very nice retirement facility. So far her money is keeping her there, but, I know my hubby’s two sisters and 2 brothers will be very supportive whatever happens.
Sorry to flip the coin here, but, my problem is the opposite. We have an adult divorced daughter with three degrees who is very frugal and excellent with her money, but, cannot find a permanent teaching position. She will next week be looking into retail. How sad. I know that she will have to come to the Bank of Mom and Dad and the stress for me is palpable.
Thanks for letting me share!
November 7, 2008 at 4:57 pm
This is such a sensitive situation – no matter what side of the equation you are on!
A standard rule of thumb when dealing with aging relatives is the 40/70 rule. The latest the “money talk” should happen is when you are 40 or they are 70, whichever comes first.
Being the “go to” financial person in the family is hard. It is hard on you and hard on your spouse. In our family, we have polar opposites. One side of the family is financially responsible and prepared while the other side is in perpetual crisis.
We worry constantly about the latter half but at the same time we have an obligation to our children and ourselves to look after our own financial health. We are careful not to disclose too much about our own financial situation to avoid having to deal with requests for financial bailouts.
When we do give money, we have to make sure we can afford it and we deem it a gift not a loan. This helps to avoid awkward family get togethers when someone owes you money.
We offer non-financial help whenever we can: babysitting, referrals to experts, gifts etc.
November 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I like Geoff idea!
Either sit down and budget with them or pay them the financial planner!
I like giving people tools instead of bailouts.
November 7, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Eeeek! Even though this is a matter of the heart you really have to think with your head. If you bail someone out, they’re not learning anything and they’ll continue what they’ve done. What’s worse, if you bail someone out and they’re helping bailing out another..! Bad cycle.
Best of luck to everyone in all the above dilemmas. Remember your own future first before you’re in too deep with someone else’s. The parents might be pulling at your heart strings..but one day you might end in that same boat if you’re not cautious with your own money now.
Good luck, all! : )
November 7, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’m so relieved to see that you brought this topic up Gail! I admit it infuriates me to keep reading about financially irresponsible “children” who keep turning to their parents to bail them out – it’s a much covered area in the media. Every time I read an article I always think “where are all the stories and advice about the irresponsible parents?”.
My in-laws and my Dad are financial disasters. My husband and I live in his parents basement as they can’t pay the mortgage, credit cards etc without the money that we pay them every month. At the time we moved in, it was in response to his Mother’s confession that she couldn’t pay the bills as his Father had stopped work due a cancer diagnosis. In truth, as we later found out, that they hadn’t been doing well financially for quite some time. And 2 years later (with his Father in good stead for over 18 months) they seem to think that our current living arrangement is a perfectly acceptable situation and don’t understand that we’d rather be spending that money on our own mortgage. They say they’ll leave my husband the house when they die and regard us unreasonable when we point out that may be 20+ years. 20 years living in someone else’s home with all of their stuff, in a part of town that we wouldn’t choose etc. His Mother cries at how “unfair” we are or how terrible her life is every time we try to discuss things and his Father is an absolute stork, he just claims it’ll all be fine and walks off. And my Dad is no better! We do love them and they are lovely people but there seems to be no way out except to continue making all the compromises and hope for the best.
November 7, 2008 at 6:12 pm
My parents are a mess an still spending on useless things. They have no savings, debt up the yin-yang and still adding to the credit cards every month “because they have no choice”. It makes me sick with worry. Now my father is physically incapable of working anymore and they’re on a very tiny disability pension.
My biggest stress right now is that I can’t afford to help them out should this house of cards fall apart. I’m still trying to get myself on track. Thanks to Gail’s Blogs, my finances are getting better and better… but I still can’t take on any extra debt or financial burden… especially considering my student loans. This article really hit home. I wish someone had an answer, but I don’t think there really is one. I can’t force my parents to stop spending.
November 7, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Like some of the other people commenting, my mom is very responsible having grown up in poverty, saves and still works at 67 full time, but my inlaws are totally in debt. They go on holidays and spend money they don’t have and say but thats what credit cards are for and god will provide. I want to scream! I mean its great to have a belief in god but really do you think that even though you are acting irresponsibly god will somehow bail you out? My husband and I just keep our mouth shut since all the other “children” in the family are just as irresponsible at his parents (apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) and maintain our frugal lifestyle while they all drive “awesome” leased vehicle, rent gorgeous huge homes and claim bankruptcy about every 8-10 years while we have a single vehicle and shop at thrift stores. They don’t ask us for money because they think we are broke ha ha, meanwhile we laugh to ourselves and shake our heads at their advice to us. What else can we do but see the humour!
November 7, 2008 at 8:30 pm
What a timely blog! This issue has been on my mind for some time now and at this point I feel as helpless about it as I think my parents do. I am unable to talk about money with my mother at all and never have been. It is a topic that creates a defensiveness in her that I have never seen around any other topic. She has never worked outside the home and her behaviour indicates that she has no understanding of how things work financially but I don’t entirely believe that she is that naive. My father and I have have chatted on several occassions and I have as respectfully as possible brought up my concern that they are 65, have no savings, still have a large mortgage on their house from refinancing and spend without planning, saving or really thinking at times. I am one of four siblings and we have also discussed that they will not be able to count on any of us for help- one sister lives in another country, my brother still lives at home and is trying to get it together so he can start a life, my other sister is working to keep her home together as her husband has been laid off for the past year and I am helping my husband get through university and also live far from them. I acknowledge that they are adults and it is their money to do with as they wish. I know that finances have caused years of stress and sleeplessness nights for them but they seem to have completely given up long ago and accepted this as their lot in life. They respectfully decline to talk about options and see money as a very private personal matter that should not be discussed or shared with others.
November 7, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Luckily, we won’t have to face this dilemma! My father has told me that he’s going to off himself when he’s too old to take care of himself (charming, I know) my mother is MIA, and when she does return to the picture (which she seems to do every 3-4 years) there’s no way we’ll be helping her out. My husband’s father is doing fine for himself, with a union job with good benefits including (most likely) a retirement fund, and my husband’s mother has sort of let it be known that we’re not her favourite, therefore, one of the other 5 siblings can help her out!
So, I count myself lucky!
November 7, 2008 at 11:59 pm
my parents are terrible with their money.
i have tried to help them with budgets and such but they just dont seem to want my help. i feel so helpless because i do not need their debt once they pass!
November 8, 2008 at 7:23 am
Cassie, don’t worry, your parents’ debt won’t be your debt as long as you haven’t co-signed with or for them. If you aren’t on paper, you aren’t on the hook. g
November 8, 2008 at 12:21 pm
After reading all these stories, I have a couple of problems which are a little different but they equally drive me crazy.
My mother who is 85 and has a decent amount of pension to live on, inherited a lot of money from her maiden sisters, maybe 15 years ago. My mom has tried to spend all the money in her lifetime – even if it wasn’t intentional. Now I’m talking about $100,000. which mom inherited.
In preparation for her inevitable death and as her power of attorney for property and health as well as future executor, I tried to locate her will last week -well what a surprise- I’ve found that it was left in a draft state. So, I called for an appointment for finishing up her will, but wonder what else I need to worry about.
Now this is the problem. My mother seems to have lot her senses. She really thinks that buying little things from a company by the initials of P C H will really lead her to winning a fortune in their draws. I’ve read the materials and thought how stupid of you Mom. It would be better to throw money away on the lotteries or on all of us – $30- $80 a week, rather than to give it away to a company who likes to exploit old, frail and nearly demented women. She really believes that every time there is a new draw and her name is somehow in that favoured list that she will be the winner. I call it a scam as does my sister and brother.
Gail, do you have any advice for how to close down all the advertising which comes to my mom’s door?
My sister and I have tried to talk with her and yes I’ve really put on the role of ogre. Why are you paying for all of this stuff?? Don’t you see that you are being ripped off? What a waste. Look at all the junk which I’ll have to throw out when you die. You could have spent whatever amount of money on something that mattered to you, etc.
My mom doesn’t have life insurance -quite a surprise for me as my parents always had insurance. So, with spending all of the money which was inherited and meant for her retirement upkeep, on these possible winning lotteries, she has put me into a difficult position to be able to clear her estate with anything left over – as was intended by my aunt.
My mom, thinks that all we want is her money and that she will spend it as she wishes – which is her right. Well, I was the executor for my aunt – her sister, and I know full well that my aunt would be rolling over a thousand times in her grave in the knowledge of how mom has used her savings. They were meant for enhancing her retirement with paying for care or necessary things to help her lead a good life up to the end.
What do you do with a woman who refuses to listen to reason? I told her that I wasn’t paying for her funeral. I couldn’t afford it. Her reply was take the CPP payout and cremate me. The plot is already paid for as my dad died 17 years ago.
You only hope that she will not continue to fall prey to these exploiters who send her fist fulls of lottery dreams – with a little purchase. She does stop for a while after we get upset but then goes right back to it.
The real problem is how to help with P C H concerns and when to finally step in to take control of monetary situations. Any help, Gail?
November 8, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I’m lucky that my parents have oodles of money, they were born during the end of WWII in Europe so they were poor, and spent their life saving money. My in-laws are another story…I’m not sure how much debt they are in but bought their first house a few years ago (they are in their early 60’s and only MIL working) so they have a mortgage plus its not uncommon for collection agencies to contact them. We can’t help them, we have our own mortgage and daycare to pay for for years to come and I don’t know if my husband would want to help them. I know this might not be the right thing to say but if my parents pass before the in-laws do (believe me I hope not!) I wouldn’t want to give any of my inheritance..if there is any…to my in-laws to help them out, I would want to make sure my kids get a good education.
November 10, 2008 at 1:14 am
Mountains of Worry, I understand your concern and telling your mother that purchasing something doesn’t increase the chances of winning and that most major winners purchase nothing won’t make any difference. It is terrible that these places target the vunerable.
January 6, 2009 at 3:40 pm
For me, it’s my grandmother (aside from myself, 24F) that I worry about. She is in her late 70’s and lives off of CPP and old age secrity and is widowed. Due to some poor financial and personal decisions, she no longer owns her own home (my dad bought it when she was about to lose it to the bank); and retirement savings were not something I think were even considered when she was younger. She has about $10,000 in savings. She is *very* frugal with her money, and is not comfortable talking about; however my mom does all of her grocery shopping – and we know she doesn’t eat well. We wish she would *spend more* money on herself.
About a year ago, my mom found out that she hadn’t done her taxes in over three years. This meant that her old age security and farmacare benefits had stopped, not to mention she hadn’t been receiving GST credits (about 90+/quarter).
I have now taken over all of her taxes and associated benefit programs to ensure that they are done and information stays up to date. It was a trial, but after several one on one conversations, she understood that I just wanted to help make sure she had her benefits, she let me help.
I now have her receiving her pharmacare benefits (discount on prescription drugs), she received a back GST payment of $1014, and a small tax refudn of about $300. Woohoo!!! She also *should* be getting both CPP/OOS – but I will know for sure next month. She doesn’t have debt to pay off, but she was happy with the extra $$.
oh – and I got her set up on direct deposit!! This has been great! No more cheques, or trips to the bank (I live in a different city). She can see the $$ flow on her bank statements.
It’s hard to help parents/grandparents – but if you go in with the right attitude you’ll do fine. At the end of the day, they are adults and get to make there own decisions (and that means deciding if they would like to take your help or not) whether you agree with it or not.
July 18, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Wow, I envy most of you. My parents are 60 with no savings, no house, lots of debt (don’t know how much), and in total denial (God will provide! Riches waiting in heaven..). Both have growing health problems, dad says he’s going to work ’til he’s 120, mom just quit her job because it was too stressful (hm, big surprise) and went on EI with no plans to work again. One bro (34) lives at home, other bro (33) has yet to put a penny in RRSPs, let alone saving for a house. Grandma is living alone in a 2nd-floor apt 4 hours away in desperate need of care. My first child is due in 2 months and after having attempted to discuss finances with them several times, I’m ready to hire a financial advisor. They still tithe (10% gross straight to the church) and think that the church will take care of them if they need help. Dad is self-employed, so no pension.
I have resolved that I need to save for the inevitability that they will require in-home care, or be in a retirement home. I fully expect to hear, “told you god would provide.” Thanks mom and dad.
August 28, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I luckily have parents who are preparing for retirement and have also set up trusts for my three chirldrens education (yippiee!!)
On the other hand, my husband parents, his whole family infact are..pathetic…with money. My MIL has a fairly good job, and has been with the same company for 30+ years, we are truly hoping for a nice retirement package for her, I know she isn’t saving otherwise . everyone but my husband lives at home still (3 sisters, all over 30!) Last year we had to bail them out with 5000 for their taxes and some bills, but we are a single income family as I am home with the three kids. We are already planning on buying them a house to live in rent free, which is fine, but why should we be helping out his 2 of three sisters (and husband and child) who are perfectly capable of working!? can I stipulate that it is rent free but only for mom and dad and my one sister in law who is severly handicap? kick out my sister in law and her husband and daughter and my other sister in law? how can I do this without causing to many hard feelings and being the bad guy when we are trying to help.